Maine: Joseph Drive

MPDP welcomes us to the show while standing in front of the lighthouse at Penobscot Bay, Maine. MPDP has a new haircut and a new hair color -- it's much shorter and blonder. I'm glad she got rid of the flippy wings, but the camera is way too close to her face and it makes her look really puffy and older than she actually is. I think MPDP has a pretty face, but this camera angle is just...blech. Plus, her new hairstyle has these Carol Brady wisps in front of her ears that just aren't working for me. MPDP tells us that they are in Portland, Maine, "where the lobsters are fresh and the lighthouses are abundant." Cut to Laurie and Frank at some sort of street mall. Laurie is very, very pregnant. Ty is also there, goofing off. MPDP makes some unfortunate ship and fog references.

The first team consists of a mother and teenaged daughter: Lori and Nicole. They seem a lot more normal than the Long Island Lolitas, thank God. They want to redo Lori's bedroom. Lori says they've lived in the house for two years, and that she's redone every room in the house but that one. It's a plain bedroom; nothing fancy. The bedding and curtains are a bright yellow floral pattern. The room as a whole has a very J.C. Penney Design Studio feel. Nice, but blah. Nicole says that they want an island-type atmostphere. Lori adds that it gets dark early in Maine for much of the year, so she'd like a bedroom that's...oh, dear God. What was that? Lori has her television on this brass monstrosity. The best way I can think of to describe it is that it looks like the pipes in a pipe organ. With a television precariously balanced on top. The hell? Nicole says that while rich fabrics are nice, they wouldn't be good in Maine because it would be dark and depressing. As a segue to meeting the other pair, Nicole and Lori say that his bedroom is barren.

Cut to the other pair: two friends named Ed and Angelica. Ed wants to redo his bedroom. Angelica says that Ed needs to loosen up. Ed says that his bedroom is his bachelor pad. Ed seems to live a bit of a spartan existence. His furniture is nice -- Mission-style wood for the most part. But it is fairly streamlined, and not in a good way. It just looks like he bought the whole bedroom set from the store and plopped it down in his room and was finished with it. Ed says that he likes natural wood, and Angelica says that he has too much wood in the room. I don't think it's a case of too much wood so much as not enough anything else. Ed says that he'd like the room to be rich and warm. Angelica brings up "the babes," and Ed jokes that he'd like to be able to pick up women by asking them if they want to see his Trading Spaces bedroom. Sadly, I think that would work on some people. You can totally tell this is a guy's bedroom, because even when he knew it was going to be on television, he didn't add in any extra pillows on the bed to make it look nicer. He's just got the two flat pillows he uses to sleep at night. Most women would want to add at least two other pillows and a couple of throw pillows for good measure. Not to be all Men are From Mars about it or anything. Angelica explains that the two know each other through Lori. I get the feeling that Lori and Angelica wanted to be on the show, but Angelica doesn't live close enough to Lori or doesn't have a house, so they somehow conned Ed into doing it. Angelica adds that Lori's television stand has got to go. Testify, sister.

During the key swap, some bullfrogs are croaking. MPDP has never heard that before, so she's freaked out about it. I, on the other hand, hear that noise every night from my deck, because I live in the boonies. That, and the peepers. Anyway, keys are swapped.

Frank meets up with Lori and Nicole, who say they want to add color to the room. Nicole adds that she wants to make it a "passion pit" so that Ed can bring the ladies over. Ed is, to put it nicely, a bit of a geek, so I don't know how many ladies he's going to lure over there. Then again, maybe he's a real slut. What do I know? Frank pretends to be upset that the teenaged Nicole is talking about passion. Frank explains that he wants to make the room much more modern and masculine. Lori adds that they need to have "a little feminine touch for the women." They are really obsessed with Ed getting laid, aren't they? Frank jokes that they'll stick a powder puff in the corner, and then they clear the room.

Angelica and Ed meet up with Laurie, who is examining the god-awful television stand. MPDP voice-overs that this is Laurie's last room before she goes on maternity leave. Angelica tells Laurie that she looks like she swallowed a basketball and Laurie thanks her. I really hate when pregnant women talk about how fat they are. You're not fat! You're pregnant! Unless you were fat before you got pregnant, in which case you're just fat and who cares? Anyway. Laurie does look like a stick figure who swallowed a basketball. Laurie reveals that she's eight months pregnant and reiterates that this is her last show before her break, so she wants to make it a good one. Laurie asks what they want to do. Angelica wants to add color. Ed wants to get rid of the treadmill in the corner. Laurie agrees with both of them, and adds that she wants a new headboard, a bookcase to house the television and pictures, and new window treatments. They all agree, and then clear the room.

In a weird change from the normal procedure, we don't get to see Frank revealing his paint colors and everything. Instead, Frank and his team are already rolling on gray primer. Frank explains that since they are painting the walls and ceiling a dark color, they want to make it less splotchy.

Laurie goes through this whole rigamarole where she makes her team members face the wall and strike a pose.

Frank explains that he's painting the ceiling because he wants the room to be "very womblike." Wuh? How is that masculine? I think he could have gone with something like cozy instead. He makes Nicole pretend not to listen as he explains to Lori that he wants it to be "the pit of wild monkey love."

Meanwhile, Laurie has painted a swirl around her team members in the wall color, which is a -- you guessed it -- soft yellow. Laurie's painting the walls yellow! Stop the presses! Everyone likes the wall color. I don't know why Laurie had to go through that whole posing and painting business. Just pry the lid off and be done with it.

In the bumper back from commercial, Ty uses a tape measure to pretend to measure the circumference of Laurie's belly. In Frank's room, Lori asks about "this monkey business again." Frank says that he's old, and that he's trying to recall back to the days when their idea of "wild monkey love was a nice cave and a warm fire." Thinking about Frank and sex is giving me a headache. And a stomachache. And a brain ache. I just ache. Especially since you can already see the sweat glistening on his forehead. Frank goes on a rant to the effect that everyone always thinks he can only do country and that he paints chickens on everything, and this is the first time he's had the opportunity to do a man's room without vines or chickens or farm animals. I've never thought of Frank as someone who paints animals everywhere. He tends to use faux finishes and paint watermelons and such. But not really chickens.

Laurie is also having a revelation. She reveals the earth-shattering news that fabric did not determine the wall color in this room, and then muses that it's happened a few times recently. Is that really such a big deal? I mean, I know Laurie uses a lot of fabric, but it's not like she's revealed that she's going to keep the ceiling fan. That's where I thought she was going with her big announcement. Laurie reveals that she also has a new light fixture. MPDP asks if they get to see the wall color or the light fixture first, and Laurie says that it depends on her mood. Everyone makes pregnancy jokes. MPDP hoists up the horrendous television stand and Laurie tries to pretend that she's going to use it as the light fixture. MPDP almost falls for it, and Laurie does a good job of keeping a straight face and explaining how she's going to do it, but MPDP finally walks away with an "Oh, Laurie."

Frank and Ty confer about carpentry needs. Frank says he needs a smooth shelf. Ty is surprised, and Frank talks about the chickens again and then says that he's going "Scandinavian sleek." Ty says that Frank is "going Scandy."

Laurie shows Ed the bedding she has chosen -- it's a charcoal gray toile on a cream background. When you pull back the duvet cover, the pattern is a charcoal stripe. It's very nice, but it's also very Spring 2002. Isn't toile kind of over? When it shows up in the Domestications catalog, you know the trend has peaked. Laurie shows Ed how she's going to make the curtains out of a cream canvas, with a charcoal and yellow border.

Ty explains to Frank how he's going to build small containers with casters that can roll under the table. Frank likes the idea but is worried about the cost of the casters. Ty says that they can use the money they'll save on the wood. Frank seems confused.

Meanwhile, Laurie is showing Ed how to sew.

Ty and Frank reiterate that he wants "clean, smooth lines," and that there will be no faux finishing or distressing. Ty can't believe it.

Ed is surprised at how much Laurie got from her budget. Laurie explains how much some of the fabric cost, and reveals that she spent half of her budget on fabric. Ed wonders when they get to see the light fixture. Laurie says that they will see it today, because she wants to get the light up so they will have lighting for their homework. Ed says that he wasn't very good at homework in school. Very important foreshadowing there. Laurie says if he keeps sewing, they might not have much homework.

Now, Frank does his big paint reveal. It's very, very green. Like hunter green. Nicole and Lori like it a lot. Frank rolls some on the wall to show how smoothly it will go on over the gray primer. And it does.

Laurie visits Ty to discuss her carpentry needs. She wants an Italianate curve for the headboard. Ty asks if it looks like spaghetti. Laurie throws out some nonsense Italian words like "prego." Mmm, spaghetti.

Frank asks his team if they still like the color, and they do. It's a little too your mom's living room circa 1987 for me, but whatever.

Ty is completely unsurprised to see that he'll be building another television cabinet. He says he wants to spice it up a bit, because all he does is build entertainment centers. He shows Laurie that he wants to put cut-outs in the sides. Laurie really likes the idea. In the bumper to commercial, Frank draws a chicken on the wall.

Frank asks Lori if she's good at crafts, and she says she's not. He tells her that she'll be great at making the candlesticks that will go on the television cabinet. Nicole is out visiting Ty, who is totally flirting with her and she could totally be his daughter, and that's gross. Although I must admit that Ty looks kind of hot in his sleeveless t-shirt, and I feel dirty for thinking that. And not dirty in a good way. Frank shows Lori how he's using plumbing floor flanges and pipe nipples to make his candlesticks. Lori gets the giggles over "pipe nipple." You know, there has been far too much sex talk involving Frank in this episode. Ty shows Nicole how to use the circular saw to cut the plywood. Frank shows Lori how to screw a small pipe nipple into a flange. Lori clarifies that there are small pipe nipples and big pipe nipples. Frank says, "Yes, they come in all sizes. Just as in life." Okay, ew. But, heh. That was kind of funny.

MPDP checks out the painted walls in Laurie's room. MPDP jokes that she hasn't seen the light, and Laurie needs to show her the light.