137th Street

MPDP walks toward the camera and introduces the show's concept. As for the obligatory MPDP outfit report, she's wearing dark low-cut (of course) blue jeans, a reddish-orange nubby turtleneck sweater, and a brown jacket with faux (I'm assuming) fur on the cuffs. And her hair is less wingy than usual. She announces that they are in Puyallup, Washington, and indicates that Mount Rainier is behind her.

We see the homeowners playing cards at a kitchen table. The camera shows a very Frank-style saying painted on the country-decorated walls. It says, "Old friends gather here." The designers are Doug and Frank, and the carpenter is Ty. Doug's hair is looking a little grayer than usual. Maybe it's the light. I'm sure he doesn't color his hair. Well, not "sure." MPDP informs us that Mount Rainier is actually a dormant volcano that hasn't erupted in over a hundred years, and she hopes the redecorating doesn't cause any eruptions with the homeowners. Foreshadowing?

Loreen and Charlie are the first set of homeowners introduced to us. They need a new living room. Boy, do they. It's a fairly standard suburban living room, with a fireplace at one end. It's just super-cluttered with country-style accessories. You've got your pine shelf with heart-shaped cutouts, your perpetual calendar with cows or some shit painted on it, your folk art wallpaper border, your gingham patterned wallpaper on the bottom half of the room, your Boyd's Bear on the fireplace to a dried flower arrangement. You know the drill. Loreen says she'd like to see the wallpaper removed, some color added, and "Charlie's new rocking chair" moved to the garage. It's not really a rocking chair so much as an overstuffed teal recliner. Loreen, I'm with you. Charlie says that there isn't enough shelving in the room, because they have a lot of pictures to display. Charlie's also okay with moving his "rocking chair" to the garage. As for her friends' room, Loreen says that she'd like to paint the walls, perhaps a mocha color, and take advantage of the nice fireplace. Heh. She says that Pam and John are fun, and that the room doesn't reflect that right now, because it's pretty blah.

Pam and John's living room has a nice bay window, plain white walls, a green plaid cloth-style rug on the floor, birdhouse accessories, and lots of green-painted wood. MPDP voice-overs that Pam loves crafts, as we see Pam and John building some sort of large phallic symbol out of grapevines. I don't know. John says that he thinks their living room isn't like the rest of the house. Pam says that they really like the fireplace the way it is. John agrees, and says that other than the fireplace, they are open to change. It's like they know. I'd also like to point out that Pam totally interrupted John while he was speaking and held her hand up to him like he was a pet. It's just a sign of things to come. Pam thinks that Loreen and Charlie have big furniture in a small room, which leads to a lack of seating. John adds that they are a big family, with four kids, and have trouble all fitting into the space. John is interested to see what the designers have in mind, and they have some ideas too. You'd think with a statement like that, they would get Hildi.

MPDP executes the key swap. Pam and John head over to meet up with Frank, who is already starting to peel off that awful folk art wallpaper border. I think angels might be involved in the pattern, but I can't swear to that. It's so Lillian Vernon. Also? Frank is wearing this weird blue smock with a white design that looks like a Rorschach pattern. Frank asks what they think needs to be done. Pam would like to see something done with the fireplace, which is so ironic that I want to throw up. The fireplace in question is a blah gray brick. John points out that they need to work on seating, to make it more comfortable. Frank says that "comfortable" is the key word, and lists all of the things they are going to do. I would list them all, but we're going to see them do it momentarily, so just hold your horses and keep reading. I would also like to add that the furniture currently in that room might be the ugliest furniture I've ever seen. The couch has that '80s deal where it looks like cushions stacked up, but the cushions are attached to the back of the couch. And then the pattern is this brown mess that I can't even describe. It actually looks kind of like a paint drop cloth, so I'm surprised Frank doesn't want to keep the furniture. And then poor Loreen dropped some orange patchwork pillows on the couch, and the pillows might actually be cute, but in this setting, they are just sad. After Frank's pep talk, they clear the room. Just getting rid of all the tchotchkes improved the room about a million percent.

Loreen and Charlie head over to join up with Doug, who has already pulled out a hacksaw and is sawing the legs off the coffee table. Doug explains that he thought the table was a little too high, so he's going to "hack it down." Doug asks what they would like to see in the room. Loreen would like to see the walls painted, and color added. Charlie says that the furniture needs to be covered. Doug suggests brown denim for the furniture, and then explains the rest of his plans. Loreen is very enthusiastic about everything Doug has to say. As we will soon find, Loreen is pretty much enthusiastic about everything anyone has to say. Doug says that he wants to do something about the fireplace, and Loreen agrees. She agrees? Maybe it was that old psychology trick where you ask a person a bunch of questions where they answer yes, and then you spring the question you really want to ask on them, and they are so used to saying yes that they just agree without thinking. Doug says that he wants to paint the fireplace, and Charlie laughs knowingly. Loreen says, "No way." Doug points out a little card on the mantel that Pam left which reads, "No paint." The fireplace, by the way, is this weird gray brick, like what's up with the gray brick in Puyallup? ["That's strange -- on my screen their fireplace looked like it had a lot of peachy tones in the brick, which I thought was especially hideous, and made Pam's insistence on keeping it all the more mystifying to me." -- Deborah] I'm generally against painting brick, but only when it's actual red brick and not some weird gray crap. I mean, the fireplace is fine, but it's not a work of art or anything. Loreen doesn't want to paint it, and reminds Doug that she and Charlie have to live door to Pam afterward. Charlie adds that Pam probably has an alarm rigged up to the fireplace to tell her if any paint is added. Doug says that they will revisit the fireplace issue later on, and they move on by clearing the room.

Doug grabs a measuring tape and explains that they need to figure out where the chair rail is going to go so that they can then tape off a grid on the wall. He wants to end up with a grid pattern on the wall, and explains how that will happen.

Frank shows Pam and John how to strip the awful wallpaper border. They discuss how great Paper Tigers are for taking out your frustrations. See, it just gives me a repetitive stress injury.

Doug continues to lay out the grid on the walls. He tells Loreen and Charlie to continue working on it while he goes to find another level. Charlie asks if they are only doing the one wall, and Doug says that it's going to be all of the walls. Loreen doesn't look too excited about that, but I'm not sure if she doesn't like the design, or the amount of labor it will take to complete. Possibly both.

Pam and John are still scoring the wallpaper when Frank arrives with the paint. Four different colors, to be precise. Look, I can understand that some people don't like a monochromatic look, but four colors? Is that really necessary? The first color is a dark peach. Bleh. As I've mentioned before, peach may be my least favorite color in the world. Pam loves it. Pam opens the can, which is a deep red. Frank opens the final two colors, which are a light yellow, and some other peach shade that I don't really see that well. Peach and red? Is it just me, or is that a really bad color combination? Frank explains that the red will go below the chair rail. The peach will go above the chair rail. The other colors will be used in a technique, of course, that Frank describes as "not really country, not really contemporary, but kind of a home-y cottage-y, more of an upbeat level." Um, okay. If you say so.

Doug and Charlie tease one another over whether their lines are actually level.

Frank unveils his fabrics. The fabric for the cushions looks to be kind of a goldenrod. Frank has another fabric that they're going to paint to match the red on the walls. Pam is all for that. A third fabric is a checkered pattern with like a million colors in it, none of which appears to match the paint colors or the other fabrics. I just don't know. The final fabric is blue denim, which Frank explains will stand up to wear and tear. But the blue? With the peach and the red and the yellow he's already got? Why? Denim does come in other colors.

Loreen says that the grid lines are scary to her. Doug laughs and says that if she thinks the grid is scary, she's got a lot of fear in her future. He indicates the "No Paint" sign and says that they may want to readdress the issue. Loreen says that every time Doug comes back into the room, the sign will be bigger because it's her motto for the fireplace. I admire her spunkiness, and she's being really nice about it, but she should just realize that she's going to bend to Doug's will and give it up.

Frank applies "a wash of paint" to the chair rail. It's peach, I guess. Pam asks whether it's okay for them to get a little messy, and Frank jokes that Pam isn't capable of that. John and Pam think that is hilarious! So clearly Pam's a bit of a control freak. Not that there's anything wrong with being exacting about decorating in general, but on this show, it's not going to work out well.

Doug explains to Loreen that he has a problem designing the room around the existing fireplace. Loreen assures him that it's going to be great, and that he's going to be so glad that he got the house. Doug looks at her like, "Girl, please." But what he says is, "No, I'm not happy." Loreen assures him that it's okay not to be happy sometimes. Man, she is really working it.

Frank demonstrates how to wipe off the paint they applied to the chair rail. He explains that one of them will have to be the judge of how much to take off. John immediately says that he will be the judge and Frank says, "Oh, I have no doubt in my mind...that that is not true." Frank knows the score.

Loreen apologizes to Doug, and tells him that the lines will be great, and so will everything else. Doug gets upset and says that if it's going to be great, Loreen and Charlie can just do it. He'll hand over the plan and let them do the work, but he's leaving. Doug says that he's there for a reason -- to redo the room -- and if he can't make a wonderful change, he doesn't know why he's there. Doug's hissyfit over, he stomps out of the room. You know, when I originally saw this, I thought Doug was being a huge bitch (which he kind of is). But having seen a lot more Doug episodes since then, I just think it's funny. I mean, I do think he was honestly exasperated, but it's also part of his drama-queen tendencies. Loreen yells after him, "We could put fabric over it. We could do fabric. Fabric would be great! You guys love cloth! Or, we're going to pull up the carpet. You could put carpet over it, and that would be really good." Ha! I love the line, "You guys love cloth!" She was just so desperately reaching for anything that Doug might latch onto. The door slams, and Loreen camera-talks, "Well, now he's a little cranky."

Frank rolls red paint onto the walls. Pam is still working on the chair rail. She asks him whether the section on which she is working is the same color as the previously finished sections. Frank (and some would say that he sounds a little exasperated) tells her that he thinks it looks fine, and that it's a hand-done technique, so it doesn't have to look perfect. Pam says that she just wants to make sure that it's close. Frank keeps babbling that it doesn't have to be exactly the same all around, and between this scene and the one about being messy, I get the feeling that he was getting a little annoyed by Pam's control freakiness.

Doug takes his fireplace sob story to Ty. Doug pouts with his arms crossed. Ty asks if the homeowners think they are designers now. Doug's like, "I'm saying!" Doug says that he keeps asking himself what he's doing here. Ty says that he keeps asking himself the same thing, and Doug totally loses it and starts laughing, which also makes me think that his big tantrum before was only about 30% real.

Frank demonstrates how he wants to attach a piece of plywood to the top of a wicker chest. Then he wants to upholster the top with the red-painted fabric to create...a coffee table? An ottoman? I'm not sure. Frank demonstrates how to paint the fabric red, using the same paint as they used on the walls, so they know it will match. Well, that will make one thing that matches something else in the room, at least.

Doug proposes to Ty that they use the wainscoting (and he pronounces it with a short 'o,' so Deborah would be happy) ["I'm oozing with the Doug love." -- Deborah] to build a surround for the fireplace. Doug points out that they wouldn't be painting the brick, because "Heaven forbid, you paint the brick." Ty thinks they can do it.

Paige Cam. MPDP asks Charlie what's happening with the fireplace, because she heard there was a disagreement. Charlie walks over and points out the "No Paint" sign, and explains that it came directly from Pam. MPDP asks if Doug is still going to paint the fireplace. Charlie says that Doug is not. MPDP can't believe that the homeowners won that battle, and Charlie says that he and Loreen will tape themselves to the fireplace if they have to.

Oh, dear. They've got the paint on the walls in Frank's room, and the peach/red combo is worse than I even imagined. People! Peach! And red! John says that he thinks the upper parts of the wall will need two coats. Frank reminds him that they're going to do a technique as well, and John says that they'll need to concentrate the technique on the thin spots.

Doug returns to Ty's Palace of Particleboard with plans for the fireplace surround. Doug explains the plan to Ty, using his little drawing. Wow, there are measurements and everything. Go, Doug! Ty thinks they can do it. Doug says that it's a cleaner, more modern look, which is why he wanted to paint the fireplace white in the first place.

MPDP inspects Frank's room. He asks what she thinks, and she says that she was really excited to see color. Frank says that there is a lot of color in the room (you ain't kidding) and there will be even more when they add the fabrics and paint techniques on the wall. Did Frank grow up in Kansas before the tornado hit or something? It's like he lived his childhood in black and white, so now he needs to use as many colors as possible. Frank, the colors aren't going anywhere. If you don't use them all in every room, they'll still be around week. MPDP asks John if he likes it, and doesn't even let him answer before asking if Pam likes it. John thinks that she does, and adds that she was standing there watching them paint. In other words, she was standing there telling them how to paint and then criticizing their work. I can read between those lines. John adds that Pam is working on something else, and MPDP asks knowingly if Frank gave her a project. You see? Pam was clearly a huge pain in the ass that told everyone what to do instead of doing any work herself. Frank diplomatically says that they all need to work on projects in order to finish on time, and that they have been "scootin' a boot across this floor."

Charlie asks Loreen to hand him the drill. Loreen says that it's the first power tool she's gotten to carry. If Amy Wynn were around, Loreen would already be using that drill. Doug tries to talk, but he has the screws in his mouth, so you can't understand anything. Later, Charlie and Doug carry the framed mirror over to the fireplace and try to center it between the sconces.

John paints his self-portrait on a U-shaped piece of wood, but filled in, so that it looks like a face. John says that it's a stunning likeness. Frank laughs and laughs. Pam offers John three nails to use as his hair, like way to pick on your husband's receding hairline on national television. John has his own ideas, and Frank encourages him. Pam laughs at her husband. Frank tells Pam to leave her husband alone, but Pam says that she loves his painting and wants to bring it home. John says that his wife is selfish. They all crack up. That was the one segment where Pam actually seemed to be enjoying herself. Later, the three of them hold their self-portraits. Pam tells John that she's looking at him with adoring eyes. John says, "I'm looking at you with scorn and malice." Frank guffaws. Actually, they all laugh.

Doug shows Loreen how to hang the curtains, and then suggests that they bring the furniture in. Cue the "loading the room montage." The best part is when Doug sits down on the fireplace faade and sets the "No Paint" sign down to him. As a rainbow crosses the sky, MPDP puts down her umbrella and announces that time is up. She asks, "Will Charlie and Loreen's forecast be bright and sunny in their new family room? Will Pam and John's new fireplace be a huge hit or go up in smoke?"

And it's time for the reveals. First up is Doug's room. Doug has painted the walls a chocolate brown (with a grid pattern) and added bead board wainscoting painted an oatmeal color. The bay window is covered in oatmeal-colored curtains which I don't really like, but at least they look halfway decent. The body of the furniture has been slipcovered in brown denim, and the cushions and throw pillows are the oatmeal fabric with the brown pinstripe. There is an entertainment armoire that is covered in the oatmeal bead board. On the walls are the tissue paper artwork, which doesn't really work in the room, in my opinion. It's too free-form and colorful in what was supposed to be a room filled with straight lines and only two colors. The coffee table has been lowered and painted oatmeal and brown. And then there's the fireplace. The new surround completely covers the old brick. The wood is all painted oatmeal. Above the mantel is a huge mirror, framed in brown-painted wood. On either side of the mirror are brown sconces, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, because why do you need task lighting to the fireplace? But whatever.

MPDP asks Doug about the fireplace, which was "a bone of contention for two days." Doug admits that he's a little scared about the reveal, but he knows it was the right thing to do, because the existing fireplace wasn't a strong element. MPDP says that the room is much more contemporary than the other rooms in the house, but the wainscoting kind of ties it in. Doug agrees, and adds that they can change the wall color or other things if they hate it. Doug says that the room is a departure from their normal style, which Pam and John asked for, and if you're going to be on the show, you have to let go.

After the fast-motion version of the redecorating, MPDP leads Pam and John into the room. She tells them to open their eyes. John does immediately, and looks shocked. Pam kind of peeks through one partially opened eyelid. John looks stunned, and says, "Wow!" MPDP grins and watches Pam carefully. Pam cautiously looks around the room, searching for something she likes. She says that she really likes the wainscoting. John softly says that it's different, and then shakes his head as if he's not happy. Pam adds that the furniture needed slipcovering, so that's good, too. MPDP asks the big question about the fireplace. Pam replies, "You guys are going to be fixing that in a little bit." Um, no they aren't. I understand that she doesn't like it, or it's not to her taste, but that was a pretty bitchy thing to say. John says that he just sees a lot of firewood. Pam tries to think of other things to say, but gets choked up, and whispers to MPDP that she's going to have to leave the room. MPDP asks if she's that disappointed. Pam doesn't even try to speak, and just repeats that she has to leave the room, then exits. John watches her go, then states the obvious: "Boy, she's not happy. She's really not happy." Off-screen, Pam's mike is still on, so you can hear her start sobbing. We only hear a few small sobs. I taped this episode from a repeat airing, and I swear that on the original episode, there was a lot more sobbing sounds. Maybe I just exaggerated it in my head. MPDP asks John if he can see anything in the room that he likes, or that he could use. John says he doesn't know where to start, because he only sees one piece of furniture that "looks remotely like the way [he] left it." Well, duh. Isn't that the point? John says that the room is really just not them. MPDP asks if they had fun during the experience, and John says that he did, adding, "This two minutes, I would go through again, just for the experience." MPDP says that they should go comfort Pam, and they walk off.

Now we get to see Frank's room. The walls are red and peach. The placemat valance with the gold clothespins hangs over the sliding glass doors. The furniture has been reupholstered with the patchwork fabric. There are new green doors on the TV cabinet. Green! Yet another color. The coffee table is red, and the bench seat is covered in blue denim. The top of the wicker chest, which seems to be used as additional seating, is upholstered in red fabric. I don't know why Frank went to such lengths to match the fabric to the wall color when nothing else in the room matches. The fireplace has a new four-panel screen with folk art-style people painted on each panel. A wreath hangs above the new fireplace mantel. On either side of the wreath are three country-style shelves, each loaded down with additional tchotchkes. Overall, the room looks garish and cluttered.

MPDP tells Frank that he's created "a warm, cozy, friendly family environment." I think Frank is wearing a girdle. I'm just saying. MPDP points out all of the new furniture in the room, and wonders how Frank ended up $20 under budget. Because he buys crap! At Wal-Mart! Nothing against Wal-Mart, but I'd rather buy one quality piece than a hundred junky things. Frank says that there is "a large segment of society that is comfortable with this." With crap? Frank thinks his room is family-oriented. MPDP compliments the fireplace screen and the three faces they painted. MPDP wonders why both Frank and John gave themselves hair. Frank says that it's "a wish thing."

MPDP leads Loreen and Charlie into their new family room and commands them to open their eyes. Loreen immediately yells, "Wow! Look at that! Look at the fireplace! Wow!" She is seriously yelling at the top of her lungs. MPDP starts cracking up at Loreen's exuberance. Charlie says that he loves the shelves. Charlie says he's not sure about the valance, and MPDP explains that they are placemats. Loreen spots the bench and then starts yelling again that they painted the cabinet. Charlie asks where his chair is, and MPDP says that it's probably in the garage. Charlie says that's where it usually is. Loreen spots the painted faces and screams, "It's like a picture of Pam and John and Frank on the wall!" MPDP points out the fireplace screen, and they all giggle over that one. Pam and John sneak in. No champagne this time. Loreen says that she loves her new living room, and tells Pam that everything in her room is reversible. Pam crosses her arms and looks pissed off. John jokes that at least it's not orthogonal. MPDP asks Pam and John how they are doing, and John says that it'll be fine. Pam's face is bright red. MPDP tells Loreen and Charlie that Pam and John had "an adverse reaction." Loreen admits that she was afraid that would happen. Pam snarks, "So why didn't you say anything?" Wow. I have to say that the first time I saw this episode, I didn't really like Pam, but I just figured she was kind of bossy and annoying, and I felt a little bad for her when she cried, but I also thought that it was great television. And then when she bitched at poor Loreen, who tried so hard to stay positive, and stood up to Doug to the point where he pitched a hissyfit, I just lost all sympathy for her. That was such a shitty thing to say, especially on camera. MPDP sticks up for Loreen. Pam recovers and asks if Loreen and Charlie like their room. Loreen says that they do. Charlie is psyched that his fish is up on the shelf, but Loreen breaks the bad news that it'll be going out in the garage with his chair soon. MPDP asks if they are all going to still be friends, and everyone is sure they will. MPDP bids us all goodbye.

So, here's the thing about this episode, which has probably engendered more debate than any other. I think it really illustrates the central split between fans of the show. The first camp feels that people who go on this show, especially in the second season, know what they are getting into, and have to realize that they might get a room they hate. And also that the workmanship -- given the time and budget constraints -- is not going to be professional quality. The second camp feels that the designers should serve the customers, the homeowners, and at least try to take their feelings into consideration, because that's a designer's job. I tend to be in the former camp, which is why I have little sympathy for Pam, even though I've read her interviews and posts to various message boards. I understand that she had personal issues unrelated to the show that caused her to be emotional. I understand that she originally wanted a different room to be redecorated, but then couldn't have that for production reasons. I understand that the paint job and carpentry were beyond shoddy. I don't think that any of those things excuse her attitude throughout the episode or her remark to Loreen at the end. I just feel like if you go on this show, you are taking the chance that Hildi is going to glue hay to your walls, or Genevieve will make a wall of moss in your bedroom. Clearly, Pam and John had seen the show before; the "orthogonal" reference was a dead giveaway. You'll see no tears from me over the fate of Crying Pam.