By Kim
Quickfire Challenge: Guest Judge Wolfgang Puck presides as each of the remaining three gets to assign another cheftestant a Quickfire, and then halfway, they each get to assign each other a twist. Mike assigns Antonia to do canned foods and she ends up with the double apron twist with Carla as a partner. Antonia gives Blais hot dogs and adds the one-hand twist. Blais assigns Mike the one pot challenge, and adds the no-utensils twist. Antonia makes curry coconut soup, Blais makes a hot dog on handmade bread with curry ketchup, and Mike makes pork shoulder with black beans. Wolfgang likes all of them, but decides that the winning dish belonged to Mike.
Elimination Challenge: Prepare and serve a last dinner for three culinary icons. Mike chooses to cook for Michelle Bernstein, who wants fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy. He assigns Antonia to cook for Morimoto, who wants miso soup, pickles, and sashimi. Mike assigns Blais to cook for Wolfgang Puck, who wants apple strudel, goulash and spaetzle. Padma tells them that there will be a surprise revealed later.
Antonia serves a bento box with tuna sashimi with pickled daikon, mushrooms and eggplant, miso soup and rice. Morimoto thinks the miso is too salty, and Gail complains that the tuna has harsh seasoning. While various diners like the components (rice, pickled vegetables), Tom doesn’t think the dish as a whole is subtle enough. Morimoto tells Antonia that the miso soup was too salty, but it was interesting.
Mike serves fried chicken with pea puree, and an egg yolk empanada with mustard gravy. Tom has some issues with the way the chicken was prepared but liked the overall effect, and it seems like everyone agrees that the non-traditional approach kind of worked. Michelle tells Mike that his chicken wasn't juicy enough, and the breading slid off the meat, but other than that, it was perfect.
Blais serves beef goulash, spaetzle with sour cream, and apple strudel with tarragon cream. No one has any problems with the flavors, and Gail can't praise the strudel enough. Wolfgang thinks his mother would have approved, and tells Blais that he loved the goulash, but thought the spaetzle was too tough.
When the dinner ends, Tom immediately tells Blais that he's going to the finale. That must have been payback for making him sweat a few weeks ago, and thank God it's not Mike who gets the free pass. Then Padma tells Antonia and Mike that only one of them will be moving on, and she busts out the envelope she showed them earlier. She gives it to Antonia, who opens it and reads that there will be one more challenge. Tom tells them that they have 45 minutes to go back in the kitchen and make one bite. The winner goes to the finale.
Here are their bites: Antonia made seared grouper in coconut lobster broth with a yam, apple and dill pollen relish. The judges thought it was a good concept, but the sauce was almost overpowering. Mike made tempura lobster over beef tartare with caramelized olives and chimichurri sauce. The judges thought it lacked flavor a bit, but was really creative, especially with the sauces, and was technically perfect. Padma polls the diners and it's a tie, with Wolfgang unable to choose a side (at least that we see).
And then Padma tells Antonia to pack her knives and go, so we're not going to have a female Top Chef All Star after all. Boooooooo. And if Mike beats Blais, I will seriously vomit.
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I always love the opening dramatic shot of an empty Judges' Table, especially since this time one of the chairs (Padma's) isn't pushed all the way in. That is so like Padma to leave her chair out! She probably normally has an assistant who goes around pushing her chair in for her. No manners, that one. Anyway, Mike, Blais, and Antonia talk about how Tiffany was sweet and awesome and accomplished, but Mike is sure that the best competitors are left. Every time he includes himself with Blais and Antonia (and the Voltaggios), I die a little inside. But I'm starting to see his point. Even if I think he's an asshole who cooks boring food, obviously the judges see something else. And he has won a lot of recent challenges. He's not just coasting, as I feel he did in his first season, since they came to the Bahamas. It is annoying that he flew under the radar until he made it there, and then sees fit to bash everyone else, but he's...kind of earned it? I still hate him, though. Blais points out that Mike has won two challenges throughout both of his seasons, and Blais has won eight. I kind of love that. I don't know why Blais's cockiness doesn't bother me, or only bothers me when he's putting down the ladies. I guess because he has shown that he has the goods to back it up, at least more so than Mike has. Antonia interviews that the boys are expecting to dominate, but it's not going to happen. Is that a promise, Ms. Antonia?
The day, the final three enter the kitchen and find Padma standing there with Wolfgang Puck. And it's time for the final Quickfire. Padma explains that they've chosen seven classic Quickfires from the past eight seasons, but the twist is that they will get to assign the challenge to one another. Since Mike won the last Challenge (urp!), he gets to go first, and he assigns Antonia to do the "only canned and dried foods" task. Does that include dried herbs? Antonia interviews that it's the hardest challenge on the table, and she kind of wants to kill Mike, paisan or no. Antonia makes Blais do the hot dog challenge, where he has to make a hot dog. I know the title threw you there, so I thought I'd include the details of the task. Blais, in a Herculean reach, assumes that since Wolfgang Puck is from Austria, he loves hotdogs. As if the American hot dog is anything like a Germanic sausagefest. Blais gives Mike the one pot challenge, because he has observed that Mike uses a lot of pans. Antonia interviews that this was really dumb, because now Mike doesn't have the ingredient limitations that the others have. Indeed, Mike is grinning like a fool. No, he might be an actual fool. Blais has super dark circles under his eyes. I am concerned about his mental state.
Time starts. Antonia is worried that starting with canned food means not using the best ingredients, so she's concentrating on adding flavor. Mike decides to do a spin on pork and beans and use the pressure cooker as his one pot. Braising pork normally takes three hours, but they only have forty-five minutes. I have never rooted so hard for undercooked pork in my LIFE. Blais can only use store-bought hot dogs (otherwise he would make his own), so he's making his own bread and his own ketchup. He's kind of making curry cocktail weenies. Which isn't a bad idea.
Padma returns to the kitchen about halfway into the challenge and asks for their attention. She announces that they each get to add "a classic Top Chef twist" to a competitor. Their choices are cooking with one hand, cooking with no utensils, or putting on the double apron and cooking tied up to Carla. Yay, Carla! Although I wonder why it's Carla and not Tiffany? Blais gets first pick and he STUPIDLY chooses no utensils. He's only got one pot! What does he need utensils for? Do one hand. How's he going to get the lid of his pressure cooker off with only one hand? Dummy. Antonia assigns one hand to Blais, so she gets to cook with Carla.
Mike notes that he's pretty much just waiting for his pressure cooker to be done, so he's kind of standing around. Antonia and Carla seem to be working well together, though it is a challenge. Mike is all up in her business since he's bored, and Blais realizes that he made a mistake in assigning his twist. Blais is having trouble slicing a lime with one hand. Use something else to anchor it so you can slice! Spike it on something to hold it steady! What is wrong with him? Antonia is benefiting from being with Carla, due to Carla's calm and steadfast nature. It's actually calming her down. Mike checks his pork, but it's not quite done. Please be undercooked. PLEASE! TRICHINOSIS FOR THE WIN! Blais points out that it's likely the last Quickfire of his Top Chef career, so he really wants to make it count. Unlike the other two, who are phoning it in? Shut up, Blais.
Time for service! Antonia made curry coconut soup with canned shrimp, andouille sausage, peanuts and fish sauce. Did she use canned sausage? Do they make canned sausage other than little Vienna sausages? I am ignorant in the way of canned meats. Wolfgang says there are strong flavors but good balance. Blais made a hot dog on handmade roti bread with curry ketchup, mayo, and mint leaves. That sounds gross. Also, Blais says that he made "hot dog stock" instead of what it should be called, which is gross water that you boiled the hot dogs in. I am not fooled. Wolfgang thinks his kids would like it. Mike made pork shoulder with black beans, chili paste, ginger, and cabbage salad. Wolfgang likes the salad, which adds balance.
Wolfgang gives his judgment. He thinks Blais's food had too much ketchup, but it was a nice sandwich. Antonia's soup was delicious, but a little too concentrated. In going for added flavor, she may have overseasoned or gone a bit too far. Mike had pretty good balance, but the pork was a little bit undercooked. Wolfgang thinks the winning dish looked good and had great flavor, and that dish belonged to Mike. NOOOOO! Why are they doing this to me? Where did this chef come from? Blais interviews that Mike is on fire and the pressure is on.
Padma invites them to join her and some special guests at The Cloisters. Blais jokes that the special guests could be aliens or rock stars and they've learned to expect the unexpected. Is this Big Brother all of a sudden? Is Julie Chen going to pop out? That would be kind of awesome, actually. Especially since she is BOTH an alien AND a rock star. But first. It's actually just three legendary chefs: Wolfgang Puck, Michelle Bernstein, and Morimoto. According to Mike, Bernstein is "one of the best female chefs in the country." I mean, she wouldn't compare to a MALE chef. But amongst the inferior ladies, she does okay. GOD SHUT IT MIKE.
Padma introduces the challenge, which is to make the chosen Last Supper for these famed chefs. Blais explains the subtleties of the challenge: some people pick comfort food for their Last Supper. Wow, thanks. I thought most people decide to try a new cuisine. Since Mike won the Quickfire (URP), he gets to choose his chef first, and he chooses Michelle Bernstein. He also gets to assign chefs to his fellow cheftestants. I really do not like this theme of letting Mike go first all the time and decide everything. I don't care how many challenges he's won. He's getting an unfair advantage. Maybe they should go by total challenges won this season. Or degrees of non-grossity. Mike would be last in both cases, I think. Anyway, he gives Morimoto to Antonia, hoping to deliver the death blow, and thus Blais gets Wolfgang Puck. Antonia totally gets what Mike is doing, and Mike admits that he wants to compete against Blais in the finals, because he's the best. If he really is the best, shouldn't he be able to make the finals without Mike's handicapping the competition? Just asking. Of course, Mike would never think Antonia is better than the mighty Blais. Or did he just admit that he thinks Antonia might be, so he has to give her the toughest challenge? Hmm. I would need a psychology degree to untangle that one. Padma adds that there is a final surprise in an envelope that she will reveal later. I bet they have to cook their food on the moon. That's all that's left, as far as twists go.
The cheftestants have ten minutes to plan their last meals with their subject. Wolfgang tells Blais that he wants all manner of Austrian cuisine, including spaetzle and strudel. Was Maria Von Trapp his nanny? Does he also like brown paper packages tied up with string? Mike talks to Michelle Bernstein and finds out that she wants fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy, even though that's not what she ate growing up. She thinks Mike has an easy task. She's right. He sucks. Poor Antonia has to talk to Morimoto, whose English is heavily accented, and he obviously wants some traditional Japanese favorites like miso soup. Antonia thinks hearing about Morimoto's childhood humanizes him a bit, but she's worried about trying to cook Japanese food like his mother did. She should be worried. It's not like we've ever seen her cook Asian food, really, and now she has to cook for a master.
That night, Antonia jokingly, but not really, says that Mike screwed her over twice today. Mike says he won't give her an easy road to the finals, and then goes on to deliver some serious bullshit about how he picked Michelle because he thought it would be the biggest challenge. Antonia tries to call him on his crap, but Mike is committed to the lie and acts like cooking for Morimoto is a walk in the park. Mike adds that he's never cooked biscuits, and he's not starting now; he plans to cook an empanada. Blais says he's not going traditional either. Blais interviews that Mike has the advantage of not having to understand another culture AND cook. Mike is really excited that Blais finally sees him as a competitor. Yeah, get those stupid GIRLS out of the way so that Mike and Blais can have a SHOWDOWN. Ugh. He is the worst! And then Antonia is crying in her bedroom about how she doesn't want to get eliminated. Can we just bring back Carla?
The morning, everyone is stressed out. Antonia can't stop laughing, even though nothing is funny. Blais is his usual stressball. Mike picks at him, and Blais is like, "Scoreboard." Which is immature, but also true. And then Mike burps. I just encapsulated the entire season in one paragraph.
Time to start cooking! Hopefully that means less of Mike's bullshit. Blais is really worried about cooking apple strudel, since he's never made it before. Too bad Carla isn't around to help with the pastry. Man, Carla would have done really well at this challenge. I promise I'll stop talking about Carla now.
Mike is very carefully putting an egg inside an empanada, and he's also cooking the fried chicken sous vide. That seems like a terrible way to cook fried chicken. There's a reason there is a long history of cooking FRIED chicken in a FRYING pan. Because it tastes really good that way. Why mess with it, just to show you know a technique? Colicchio enters the kitchen and casts aspersions on Mike's methods, as he should, and then interviews that he thinks Mike chose the easiest dish anyway. I really hope Colicchio hates Mike. It gives me hope for humanity. Colicchio asks Blais if he thinks Mike has momentum, and Blais says he does. Colicchio interviews that Blais enjoys breaking down challenges, and that's the best way to approach it. Then Colicchio talks to Antonia, who explains how nervous she is about making the rice perfect. Colicchio kind of admits that she has the toughest row to hoe.
Back in the kitchen, Antonia and Blais are second-guessing themselves as usual while Mike is just burping and scratching himself. Meanwhile, the judges discuss the food. Michelle thinks that Mike grasped a lot of what she said, and also tried to be creative, but Wolfgang thinks he was too creative, and should have made it like dear old Mom. Except that Michelle said her mom never cooked fried chicken, so...yeah. Gail thought Antonia tried to be delicate, and she did a good job with her fruits and vegetables. Morimoto knows it was a difficult challenge, and she did well, but it wasn't the best. Wolfgang thinks Blais kept it simple and used the best ingredients. Gail agrees that Blais combined his own modern techniques with Wolfgang's original dish with great results.
The three finalists are called in to face the music. Padma reminds them that only two of them will move on to the finale. Michelle says that she told Mike to make the chicken juicy and crispy, and it was not juicy and the breading was falling off. Other than that, she liked the dish. Yeah, other than totally screwing up the main ingredient, it was fine. Wolfgang doesn't know how Blais is so awesome. Morimoto thinks Antonia's version was different from his expectations, and her miso soup was salty, but it was...interesting. That doesn't sound like a compliment. Colicchio sort of abruptly tells Blais that he's made it to the finale. Wait, what? That's it? There's still like twenty minutes left in the episode. What's happening? I'm confused. What happened to Padma's magic envelope?
Padma whips out her magic envelope. Maybe it just says, "Mike, you suck" inside and then he goes home. That would rule. But we have to sit through two commercial breaks and a weird interstitial that is everyone saying, "What's in the envelope?" sort of like Brad Pitt in Se7en going, "What's in the box???"
But seriously, what's in the envelope? Antonia gets to read it aloud. The contents explain that there will be another challenge. Mike and Antonia have to go back into the kitchen and make one bite for each of the seven diners. They have forty-five minutes and they can make whatever they want. Time starts, and they take off.
Well, this is a lot more fair than Antonia having to make a bento box. Now she can make whatever she wants. I'm betting she wishes she didn't have that post-meal celebratory beer (or beers) now. Mike explains that he's going to make something unique -- beef tenderloin and lobster tails. Surf and turf! Who ever heard of such a thing? This man is a genius. Antonia is making fish in a sauce, which isn't exactly the height of creativity, but she also didn't claim that it was. She's making a coconut curry broth, which is weirdly similar to what she made in the Quickfire, no? She explains that she wants to make an aggressive dish to show the judges what she's capable of. Colicchio explains to the other diners that this is a high-pressure situation, since the cheftestants didn't have any time to plan. I would hope that each of them had a one-bite meal in their pockets for just such a scenario.
Here are their bites: Antonia made seared grouper in coconut lobster broth with a yam, apple, and dill pollen relish.. Mike made tempura lobster over beef tartare with caramelized olives and chimichurri sauce. By the way, each is way more than one bite unless you are a giant. Gail liked the idea of Antonia's dish, but thought it was really powerful. Tom says she may have made it that powerful on purpose, since it was just one bite, and you need the impression to last. Morimoto loved it, and thinks the grouper, being mild, needs strong flavors added. As for Mike's food, Michelle didn't think it wowed her with flavor, but she loved the olive sauce. Gail didn't like the olive on its own, but thought it worked well within the dish, and it was unique. Morimoto points out that the dishes were on opposite sides of the flavor spectrum, so it's a tough decision. Gail says if she had to eat one dish again, she would eat Mike's, and Michelle agrees. Morimoto and Padma choose Antonia's food. Melanie also chooses Antonia, but Tom likes Mike's dish better. Wolfgang has to break the tie. He thinks he will remember Antonia's dish longer, but Mike's was technically perfect. So who will he pick? Mike and Antonia are dying, waiting to hear the results. Too bad they can't fast forward like I can.
Mike and Antonia return to stand in front of the diners and find out who won. Tom says that Antonia was very aggressive on the spices, but had great use of vegetables. He tells Mike that his meat was on the bland side, but his sauces were good. He even tells them that the decision was a 4-3 split, because it was that close. So who is going to the finals? Not Antonia. She has to pack her knives and go. Aw. I didn't love Antonia's food, but I did like her personality, and I don't know if it's come across, but I HATE MIKE. So I guess I'm rooting for Blais now? I tell you what I am rooting for. I am rooting for Blais to get out of his head and cook the food that I know he can cook and stop second-guessing himself all the time. And I'm rooting for these two men to stop being such dumbasses and recognize that women can cook as well as men, and sometimes better. Anyway, episode is the final episode. And if Mike wins, I don't even know what. Vomit is possible. Screaming. Cursing the gods. Boycotts. I might set a cop car on fire. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of.