By Kim
Quickfire Challenge: Work in teams to make 100 dishes in an hour, highlighting consistency and precision. Blais and Mike team up for pork Bolognese with fresh macaroni and pecarino cheese. Padma and guest judge Lorena Garcia think the consistency is good, with the portions similar. Tiffany and Antonia make beef tenderloin salad with cilantro, mint basil and chimichurri sauce. Padma thinks they did a great job with consistency as well, and Lorena is impressed, since their dish had four components, which makes precision difficult. Lorena liked the flavors and spices in the men's dish, and points out that while the women did a cold dish, which might be easier, it had more components, which makes it more difficult in the end. She based her decision on flavor and precision, and the winner is… Antonia and Tiffany! The boys are really sour that they got beat by stinky girls, and I love it.
Elimination Challenge: Create a lunch to celebrate the 80th anniversary of the Nassau Yacht Club, and the meal has to incorporate conch. The challenge takes place on a "deserted" island. The cheftestants arrive to find crates filled with every ingredient they need except for conch. They have to snorkel out and gather their own conchs. Blais's swimming is especially comical. Then they have to cook over a wood or charcoal fire, since they have no electricity. Here's what they made:
Blais makes sweet potato linguini with conch and spiny lobster. Some of the lobster is undercooked. The judges are also fooled by his sweet potato linguini, and some think it's actually pasta.
Antonia makes red snapper with conch tartare and lobster nage. It has a lot of flavor and the diners love it. Colicchio points out that you can barely taste the conch and the fish is unevenly cooked.
Tiffany makes conch and coconut chowder with sweet potatoes and conch ceviche. The judges aren't sure if the chowder is supposed to be cold or not, but it is cold (and it was supposed to be hot). They like the flavors, though some find it too sweet, and Colicchio thinks the flavors are undeveloped.
Mike makes banana leaf-wrapped grouper, braised pineapple and conch vinaigrette. The diners and judges thought the fish was well-cooked but some think the other elements overwhelmed the fish.
And the winner is…Mike! This is freaking me out. What if he wins? I hate him. And the person going home is… Tiffany. Whew. Now this is a final. We have our frontrunner (Blais), our sentimental favorite (Antonia) and our villain (Mike). We'll see how it shakes out.
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After Carla's elimination, the remaining four are sad for a little bit, since Carla was kind of the mom of the group. We are all sad, I think. Tiffany, especially, is sad since she and Carla were so close. Antonia tells the others that the bottom three cheftestants were told that they need to step it up, because none of their dishes were that great. Antonia interviews that she couldn't get back into it after the fire in the kitchen, and she's starting to feel like she did at the end of her season, like she never really got into a groove. Mike is about the only person who's feeling good right now -- he won the Quickfire and the Elimination, so he feels like he's "back on track." Was he ever on the track to start out with? I feel like he's on track for the first time and that is disturbing me. What if Mike wins? What if he is the Ultimate All Star? I don't know if I can live in a world where that is true.
The morning, Blais wakes up Mike, who was having a sleep-in. That bed looks really comfy. I can't blame him. Anyway, they all leave the suite, wondering what the day will bring. Blais mutters that it will probably be cooking with not enough time and not enough equipment. Mike adds that there will be a twist in the middle of nowhere. Well, they've clearly watched this show before.
They walk into the kitchen at the Atlantis, where they find Padma and guest judge Lorena Garcia, who is there to promote her NBC cooking reality show that will probably be canceled by the time this is posted, so why bother helping to promote it? Padma introduces the Quickfire Challenge, which is about consistency and precision. They have to work in pairs, and they immediately split into same sex pairs. Mike interviews that he knows Antonia is his cousin (sigh) but she's also the Black Hammer. He has a point. Each team has to create one hundred dishes in an hour. The judges will randomly taste a few plates for testing purposes.
Antonia claims that she would have picked Tiffany even if Mike hadn't grabbed Blais first. Uh huh. Sure you would have. Although I don't know if Antonia and Blais would be a good pair, either from a culinary standpoint, or a personality standpoint. And we all know how much Mike likes to ride coattails. We get an unfortunate shot of Antonia's underwear when she bends over to examine some ingredients. Oh, editors. You couldn't have skipped that one? Mike claims that he and Blais are the favorites, and everyone knows it. Well, Blais is the favorite, and Mike is his partner. So...there you have it.
Mike and Blais decide to make pasta. Mike is making fresh pasta and Blais is making a pork Bolognese. That seems like cheating. When I make pasta, I make (as my dad would say) enough to feed the Chinese army by default. I am incapable of cooking less than an entire box of pasta for some reason. We eat leftovers for days. Granted, I am not making fresh pasta, but it does seem like the kind of thing that is easy to expand, and it takes only a few minutes to cook. The Bolognese will be fine, although I would imagine it would taste better if it cooked for more than an hour, but Blais knows how to fake the flavors. It's smart to make something easy, but I don't know if it will pay off at judging time. Blais wants to win this one to build some momentum and "spread intimidation." He is big on that intimidation thing. Doesn't he think that the other cheftestants already know what he's capable of? Does he feel underestimated? Because I feel like everyone has already acknowledged that he's the clear favorite to win.
Tiffany and Antonia are doing seared beef tenderloin with salad, which also seems like a bit of a copout. I mean, I don't know why you would CHOOSE to do something complicated and end up with inconsistent plates. Like if you tried to poach a hundred eggs or something, which could be a disaster. And I do think the ladies' dish is tougher to make consistent, since it's not basically a one-pot dish. Tiffany explains that they have four components, so their dish is more complicated to plate. Blais doesn't agree: he thinks protein plus salad is a fallback dish, not a winning dish. Both teams race to the finish, but they do finish before time runs out.
Time to eat! The judges pick out two plates for each dish, and the rest go out to the waiting diners. Blais introduces their dish: pork Bolognese with fresh macaroni and pecorino cheese. It's basically an upscale version of what my mom used to call goulash: brown some ground beef, throw in a jar of sauce, boil up some elbows, throw it all together and top with shaky cheese (i.e. Parmesan in a can). Yes, I did grow up eating gourmet. Padma thinks the presentation looks the same on both dishes, and Lorena thinks the pasta was consistently cooked. The diners thought it was tasty.
Antonia and Tiffany made beef tenderloin salad with cilantro, mint basil, and chimichurri sauce. Padma is impressed by the plating. Lorena points out that the meat is portioned consistently, and also notes that they had four components, which made things more complicated in plating. Mike claims that he could have made their dish by himself and sent Blais to the store for a six-pack. It's a funny line, if anyone but Mike had said it, because I can't stand him. The diners also think it's tasty. They must not have had great comments from the diners, because we barely see their reactions, even though there are nearly a hundred of them.
So what did Lorena think? She liked the idea behinds the pasta dish, and thought the spices were used well. She admits that the ladies made a cold dish, which might have been easier in some ways, but they also had more components to the plating, which added complexity. So who's the winner? Lorena based her decision on consistency and flavor, so she awards the win to Antonia and Tiffany. It is so worth it, just to see Blais and Mike so pissed at losing to GIRLS. You know that was running through their heads. And I'm sure they came up with a million excuses why Lorena did not recognize their brilliance, especially since every interview comments we've seen so far has been about how the men's dish was far superior in both flavor and complexity. Antonia interviews that Mike and Blais were "sour grapes, salty losers." Good. Mike's reaction is, "Whatever." Tiffany reiterates again how great it would be for a female chef to win the season. So that will probably happen, because they've talked about it a TON.
Once the winners of Quickfire are announced, Padma slides right into the Elimination Challenge. The Commodore of the Nassau Yacht Club has invited them to a celebratory dinner for the club's 80th anniversary. The party's theme is "Deserted Island" (Dessert-ed Island? That would have been a good challenge) and the party will take place on an island. Lorena explains that they need to use conch as an ingredient. Mike laughs because he totally practiced cooking with conch before coming out.
The cheftestants go home and discuss the challenge. Blais and Mike are hanging in the bathroom talking about it. Blais says he's been prepping at home: he has twenty pounds of conch in his freezer, he's been baking bread, and he grew a beard. Well, he's practically Rocky. Did he chase chickens? And jog up stairs while wearing a gray sweatsuit? Mike wonders how many people they'll be feeding and what equipment they'll have. He points out that if they don't have equipment, everyone will just do ceviche. Mike brags about how he's dominating. Bleh. Tiffany is proud that she's made if further than she did in her first season. Wow, I wonder if she'll make it even further?
The cheftestants arrive at a marina, where Padma waits for them, wearing a bikini and a sarong. What, you don't just hang out in a marina wearing a bikini and a sarong? Like on the daily? She explains that Captain Andy (who Mike calls Sammy Hagar's twin, which isn't far off, though I would have gone with fat Sammy Hagar who wasn't presumably abducted by aliens) will be taking them to the deserted island. Their time starts when their feet hit the beach.
One short boat ride later, they arrive at the island. Mike explains that he's trying to "stay cool, calm, and collective [sic]" and if you think I'm not quoting every dumb thing he says, well, have you read my other recaps this season? The boat obviously can't go right up to shore, as there is no dock and the water is too shallow, so the cheftestants have to jump into the water and swim/run to shore. It is less than graceful. As soon as they get on shore, they all head for the stash of crates. Were they washed up on shore or dropped by the Dharma Initiative? Inside, they find lots of proteins, fruits, and vegetables, and also various other cooking needs: oils, spices, etc. But what they don't find is conch. Inside the crate labeled conch, they find snorkels and masks. So they've going snorkeling. Tiffany perfectly delivers the line: "There are sharks out there. I'm pretty sure." Heh.
Then comes the really mean part. Look, I don't like Mike Isabella OBVIOUSLY. But I have tried to stay away from body snarking, because the reasons for disliking him are vast and myriad, but his body size and shape have nothing to do with it. The producers disagree with me, so they insert an interview of Blais joking, "I don't want to see Mike Isabella topless. And you don't either." And then there is the most unflattering shot of chubby Mike waddling towards the water, wearing a snorkeling mask. Look, even Padma would look dorky in a snorkeling mask. Poor form, editors/producers.
The four cheftestants head into the water and start diving down to grab conchs. The water seems to be about as deep as the deep end of a swimming pool. Antonia does well. Blais is terrible. Like he can swim through the water fine, but he doesn't seem to be able to swim down to the bottom and grab a conch. It's pretty funny to watch, and even he admits that it's comical. Tiffany just enjoys the experience. No word on how Mike did. I'm sure whatever he did, he did it fatly.
Everyone heads back to shore and starts prepping. Antonia admits that she's never cooked conch before. Someone didn't do her homework! They have to cook everything over a wood fire, although they do have a grate. I'm assuming it's wood fire. I guess it could be charcoal. Blais notes that he can't pull out any of his culinary tricks here: they have a grill, a table, and some ingredients. I like that.
Antonia worries that their food is going to have sand in it, since A) they're cooking on a beach and B) it seems kind of windy. Everyone moves on to the task of removing the conch from its shell. Blais couldn't practice this one at home, because we can't get conch in the shell in the States. I don't know if it's an import problem or just a logistics problem -- how would you keep the conch alive during transport? Anyway, everyone grabs these tiny pickaxes and starts hammering away, trying to break the shells and pull out the meat. Mike decides to boil his shells to kill the conch inside so it will come out easier. That seems like a good idea, though I would be worried that the conch would start cooking and become rubbery. I'm just waiting for someone to hit themselves in the face with a pickaxe or stab themselves with a knife. Tiffany seems to have the most trouble of everyone, and she remarks that if she doesn't figure this out soon, she's not going to have enough time left to cook.
Now that all the conch is out, the cheftestants pour water over their tables to try to eliminate sand. Mike complains that he can't get the grill very hot. Antonia says that she really likes her dish this time, unlike in the last challenge, as she makes a conch tartare and a lobster nage (which means she's going to poach the lobster in flavored broth, then thicken it). Tiffany wants to do something different, so she plans conch and coconut chowder. She's using the coconut a lot of a different ways, and adding conch ceviche on top. Blais thinks the conditions are getting to him, as he feels sore and old and tired and dehydrated. Mike is trying to be inspired by local ingredients. Blais is making a dish that isn't Caribbean. He was inspired by the inside of the conch shell to make pasta out of sweet potatoes by slicing them really thin (with a slicer) and cooking them like pasta. It's risky, but it looks really cool.
Everyone dons chef coats (not sure why) as they start to wrap up. Mike accuses Antonia of always doing the same food no matter what the challenge. That is rich, Mr. Always Makes Greek Lamb with Feta. He's only diverging from his usual MO here because he trained exclusively for this Caribbean finale. Antonia is having trouble with her wood-burning grill, specifically getting the fish cooked the same. Mike is also having some problems, although he claims he learned from cooking over open fires in the desert on his first season. Antonia notes that the guests are arriving, and she still can't get her fire hot enough.
The guests are all wearing white. Is this heaven? Or Ancient Greece? Also, they totally didn't have to swim to shore; the boat pulled up into the shallows and they waded in water that was ankle-deep. That's bullshit. Tiffany is finishing up. She explains that she likes dishes with two different temperatures, like soups with a cool finish, which is why she is putting the ceviche on top of the hot chowder. Won't that cook the ceviche, if it sits there? What do I know?
Padma and Tom make small talk with the Commander and the Ex-Commander of the Yacht Club as they wait for their food. Because it's almost time to serve, that means it's also time for Blais to have his nervous breakdown. He notes that everyone else is cooking a Caribbean dish, and he totally didn't. He interviews that he hates everything he does after it's done. He really needs therapy or something. That can't be healthy.
Blais serves first, and Padma introduces the Commodore and his wife, along with Gail, Tom and guest judge Lorena. Blais made sweet potato linguini with conch and spiny lobster. Lorena's lobster is undercooked. The diners like the way he cooked the conch, because they normally eat it tartare, I guess. Tom goes on this whole soliloquy about how amazing it is that Blais cooked pasta on a beach, and Gail has to break the news that it was ribbons of sweet potato. Lorena was also fooled. Oh, Tom. Everyone is like, "Ooh, ahh, sweet potato."
After Blais serves, a storm starts to roll in, which makes keeping the food hot more difficult. Antonia manages to get her fire as hot as she wanted, and hopes that her fish is cooked properly. She serves red snapper with conch tartare and lobster nage. Gail has to take a drink because of the strong flavors, but Lorena loved the punch. The diners like their food spicy. Tom thinks she disguised the flavor of the conch, and also notes that the fish wasn't consistently cooked. That Tom is such a killjoy.
Tiffany is trying to finish up but the others are hovering around her. She finishes plating too early, and is worried that her soup is going to get cold. When it's her turn, she serves conch and coconut chowder with sweet potatoes and conch ceviche. Padma bitches, "I'd have liked the chowder if it was hot." They debate whether the chowder was meant to be served hot or not. Lorena liked the ceviche, but one of the diners calls it too sweet overall. Tom concludes that it's a nice dish, but the flavors are undeveloped. Sounds to me like she didn't let the chowder cook long enough, or get hot enough initially, much like Carla in the Target challenge.
Mike is wrapping his fish in banana leaves. He knows that Elia got eliminated first with a similar dish, but he's sure that his will be cooked through, and tried to make it more refined. He serves banana leaf wrapped grouper, braised pineapple, and conch vinaigrette. One of the diners thought the fish was overwhelmed by the other components, and Tom doesn't know why he added butter. Gail loved the dish, and she points out the pineapple specifically as a highlight.
The cheftestants dissect what just happened. Blais is, of course, having doubts. Antonia wants Mike to reassure her that her dish was fine, and she interviews that she felt relived after service, but then remembered that someone was going home. The judges note that everyone did well on a very challenging task.
Weird interstitial. The cheftestants discuss how their situation is like Gilligan's Island (it's nothing like Gilligan's Island, except for the Island). They decide that Blais is the Professor, Mike is the Skipper, Tiffany is Ginger, and Antonia is Maryann. And Carla was Gilligan. I don't agree with those characterizations but we can't all be put in little boxes. Mike.
As they wait for judges' table, the cheftestants discuss their food. Everyone has regrets except for Tiffany, who feels really confident that she executed her plan. Does she know the chowder was cold? Blais is worried (duh!) that his dish was too classic, and Antonia snarks that sweet potato noodles are super classic.
The final four head in to see what the judges thought. The judges are still wearing all white and kind of look like a bad movie version of Mount Olympus. Especially Padma. Tom says that they managed to keep the sand out of their dishes, which deserves accolades. Antonia was proud that she made her own food, especially since she bombed the challenge. Lorena thought it was great, but Tom wishes she had cut the conch bigger so that the flavor wasn't masked, and that she had cooked the fish consistently. Oh no! Antonia's biggest fear! Inconsistently cooked fish! Padma thought it was a little too conventional and predictable. Antonia says that's her style of food, and she executed.
Blais hopes that his dish was unique. Padma compliments the noodles, and Tom admits that he thought it was really pasta, and it led to a great, unique dish. Gail notes that he didn't go local in either ingredients or flavor profile, but it worked anyway. Lorena thought his conch was perfect, but his lobster was undercooked.
Tiffany thought her dish was great, and it made sense to her. Lorena loved the whole thing, especially the cilantro. Gail loved the idea of the chowder, and that she used the conch two different ways, but she wonders if the chowder was supposed to be cold. Tiffany says it was supposed to be hot, but it was windy when she was plating. She doesn't mention that she finished plating too early. Tom liked the dish okay, but thought it was a little sweet. Must be all that coconut milk.
Mike tried to embrace the challenge and use local ingredients. Gail loved the pineapple and that the dish was interesting. Tom thought the banana leaf lent a smoky flavor to the fish, although he didn't love the butter that Mike used, as that isn't really part of the local flavor profile.
The cheftestants leave. Mike is disheartened; he thought he had a great dish and feels like he got a smack in the face. Because of the butter? The judges discuss the food, starting with Blais. Gail points out that he connected where he's from to where he is right now by making a Hamptons dish with Caribbean elements. Colicchio liked the flavors and the twist with the sweet potato noodles. Lorena thinks the lobster was inconsistent though. Blais, back in the Stew Room, doesn't believe that his lobster was undercooked. Is he calling Lorena a liar? I do note that her opinions seem to diverge from the other judges for most dishes, and that makes me wonder. When discussing Antonia's food, Tom can't stop talking about the conch being cut too small, but Gail points out that though it was predictable, she pleased the diners. The judges wonder if they had eaten Tiffany's chowder hot, if it would have been different, and it was also too sweet. And finally, they liked the mystery of Mike's dish, although the added butter might have made it greasy.
The cheftestants are called back in. Tom says that they all did a great job in challenging circumstances, but one chef had a unique dish and used the conch well. And that was...Mike. Oof. Seriously, is he going to win? If someone knows, could they just tell me now, so I can prepare emotionally? Let's get to the other end of things -- who is going home? Tom says that one dish was slightly less successful than the rest. Blais had undercooked lobster, Tiffany had cold soup that was too sweet, and Antonia's dish was a bit too spicy and inconsistently cooked. So who's going home? Tiffany. At least they didn't fake Blais out again. That would have been really mean. Tiffany is very gracious in loss, and admits that she was outcooked by the others. She cries in her exit interview, but explains that she's never worked with a big-name chef, and she's entirely self-taught. She should be really proud. I know I gave her shit this season for lasting longer than she should have, but obviously the judges saw something in her food. Good for her. time: finals part one!