By LuluBates
Dawn breaks at Top Chef Manor, but no one can get out of bed because everyone misses Tim, who went home after boring the pants off the judges with his rustic roasted vegetables. But the game must go on, so they head to Top Chef kitchen. They are greeted by Padma and Michelle Bernstein, who may or may not be Sandra Bernhard's alter ego, but is the guest judge for today's "weird protein" quick fire. Andrea of the Ogilvy home perm and DIY hair frosting is not happy because she knows Michelle from some West Side Story-style snap fight in Miami, and they are sworn enemies. After Padma forces Michelle to swear to be fair in judging, the contestants choose their protein. The oddest option is Duck White Kidneys, which are really testicles and make the men instinctively cross their legs and giggle that Angelo picked them. Obviously, Angelo thinks the safest bet would be to make testicle marshmallows. This is exactly why I am not a top chef, nor do I aspire to be, nor do I want to eat at their restaurants. Except Kevin. No, wait, including Kevin. Fifteen minutes into the quick fire, Padma announces that this is actually Musical Chairs Wacky Protein and everyone has to take over the protein to the left. Amanda is thrilled to hand off her emu eggs to Kelly. Kevin is not so happy to inherit Angelo's duck nuts. Andrea is suffering under an onslaught of Michelle hate and can't concentrate. Andrea's darkest fears are confirmed when Michelle calls out her tough boar on national television. Andrea will have to kill her cousin and steal her boyfriend in retribution. Alex and Stephen round out the losers. Winners include Amanda, who had her way with a llama; Tamesha, who frenched a duck tongue; and Kelly, who turned an emu egg into a western omelet. Kelly took immunity, because Michelle Bernstein secretly would rather be Grand Slamming it at Denny's than scarfing down duck nuts to a former supermodel.
Padma lays out the rules for the elimination challenge: The contestants will be divided into two teams and prepare a cold dish for the judges and their competitors to consume and ridicule. Kelly gets to mock and belittle everyone's food, since she has immunity. For some reason the thought of cold food has sent the cheftestants into paroxysms of panic that seem to result in everyone wanting to do Asian flavors. But don't worr,y they all end up feeling "very confident" and are "going for the win". The team comprised of Alex, Kevin, Amanda, Ed and Kenny go first. Obviously, no one has anything nice to say, but this does not stop them from saying a lot of things. Tom can't stand all the negativity and gives the contestants the hoary eye, verging on a stern talking-to. The contestants get to choose the best and worst dishes. Kevin's plate earns top honors from his competitors, while Kenny's convoluted plate slates him for elimination. No doubt he considers this payback for having once been a top contender. Then it is the group's turn to face the firing squad living on their competitors' palates. Little tiny firing squad. In their mouths. Just go with it. Tiffany gets good reviews, but Stephen, Tamesha and Angelo are all big salty-yet-under-seasoned-yet-tasteless losers. But it's Tamesha's viscous scallops that take her to the bottom of the pack. To be clear: IT'S NOT TOP SCALLOP. Just remember that, future contestants.
While awaiting judgment, the cheftestants spoil the punchlines and tell each other who had the most revolting dishes that made them yearn for duck testicle marshmallows or just a plate of barf. Obviously, Kenny is shocked because everything he touches is perfection. Padma pulls Tiffany and Kevin into the judging room and announces the good news: People like them! They really like them! Kevin takes the win and also the Hilton Hotels vacation to Hawaii. Kenny and Tamesha are up for elimination, and Tamesha is also shocked. Was it the jus? Was it that she cooked scallops, when scallops are the new desserts and will totally get you kicked off? The judges are unimpressed with Kenny's claim that his competitors put him up for elimination for strategic purposes because his dish just kinda sucked. But it's Tamesha and her scallop that get sent packing. At least Angelo will still have the sexy salmon to flirt with.
Good morning, chefs! It's Week Six of the competition to see who can become America's Top Chef and then quickly sink back into obscurity. I mean, really, aside from Harold who has Perillo, what the heck are the rest of the winners doing? Are they locked in Gail's kitchen desperately trying to escape with shivs carved from the Glad Family of Products? This grim fate does not stop chefs across America from vying for the opportunity to cook scallops on national television. It's like people who play the lottery over and over again despite the fact that all lottery winners suffer horrible fates at the hands of greedy relatives, QVC, and life insurance salesman. Fact! The cheftestants struggle to get out of bed trapped under the weight of their Tim hangovers. Unbeknownst to us mere audience members, Tim was a veritable Father Figure to the contestants. Hopefully not in a George Michael kind of way. So they all have the sads now that he is gone on home to ...well, like twenty minutes from where they are in D.C., but whatever. They miss him so bad sometimes and they just have to lie down and cry some more. But duty calls and America must see who is going to win the round of the competition! Angelo is out of bed because he wants "to focus on his food" as opposed to before when he focused on other people's foods. Probably Tim's food, which is why Tim went home, because [spoiler alert!] Angelo is a wee bit of a schemer. Andrea of the Ogilvy home perm and not-for-national-television frosting job is also in a "good place", which, of course, means she is going to get toaster caked at the first opportunity.
Off to the Top Chef kitchen in the product-placed hotel! Kevin gives us the lay of the land: Michelle Bernstein (who Top Chef keeps trying to make happen) is the guest judge and the kitchen is lined in wacky proteins. How wacky? It's a veritable house of horrors of proteins: Alligator head, llama bits, rattlesnake, yak, and emu eggs. Andrea is not at all happy to see James Beard award winning chef Michelle Bernstein as the guest judge. She puts on a serious bitch face and almost rolls her eyes. Apparently they are both women chefs in Miami and thus, biologically, cannot be friends. It's a uterus thing. Padma blithely asks Michelle if her Andrea's relationship will affect the judging. Michelle doesn't say no, but smiles that it is "all about the food." Once again, she does not say no. But this is entirely Andrea's fault for saying she was in a "good place" and then not knocking on wood, throwing salt over her shoulder or spinning a live chicken over her head for five minutes.
For the dimmer chefs who didn't figure it out for themselves, Padma explains that they will be cooking with the exotic proteins. They have one hour to cook. Everyone draws knives and dives in. The proceedings grind to a halt when Angelo grabs a bowl of so-called duck white kidneys. Padma asks him if he knows what they are, he stops and stares at the bowl as if expecting pasta Bolognese and getting Spaghetti-Os with hot dogs in it. Michelle Bernstein explains that they are actually duck testicles. And, whoa, ducks are HUNG. Who knew? I mean, really, have you ever seen a duck nut sac? time you're giving one of our fine-feathered friends a tummy rub, be sure to sneak a peek, okay? I wouldn't say no to a TwitPic. Oh wait, yes I would. That would be Mallard Porn, which I'm pretty sure can't be sent across state lines. Angelo blinks at the bowl a few times while everyone laughs at his expense. But he'll show them! He'll is going to tea bag the lady judges and THEY WILL LOVE IT. Duck nuts FTW! Obviously Ed knows all about duck testicles. Because he sees them every day in the bathroom. Aw snap!
Amanda has last choice because she was a drug addict and drugs don't pay, so she gets stuck with the emu eggs, which, by the way, look like elephant balls. Angelo explains that he just poked one of the duck balls and they were so soft and silky that he was inspired to make Duck Nut Marshmallows. This is very awkward for me. No, really, but mostly because I have embarrassingly low brow sense of humor and duck nut marshmallows are making me giggle uncontrollably. Also, Angelo talking about how soft the poor duck's balls are is just too much. I mean, poor duck! Getting offed and then having his disembodied family jewels fondled by Angelo and getting made into a marshmallow! It's just all a little tragic. Also, funny. God, I wish I was above this sort of thing. Anyway other people are cooking too! It's just not nearly as interesting to see Amanda whine about her emu eggs, Kevin pepper his ostrich, or Alex prep his foie gras as it is to see Angelo feel up a duck.
GAME CHANGE! Padma walks into the room and orders the chefs to drop what they are doing and move one station to the left. Protein-based musical chairs! Play it at your child's party! Everyone groans, except for Amanda who chortles with glee because eggs were much too much for her. She is happy to give the oversized ova over to Kelly. Everyone makes pouty faces, but not nearly so much as Angelo, whose dream of teabagging the ladies goes up in smoke. There is a lot of bleeping. So who gets to cook the balls? Kevin. He won't taste them, because eating a duck's nuts would be pretty squarely in the gay camp. Okay, I'm just making that up. Kevin isn't a homophobe or a duck fetishist.
With only half an hour on the clock, time flies and soon enough Padma and Michelle are ready for their taste sensations. Tamesha serves up a lovely duck tongue soup, which I imagine is like French kissing a duck, but with cilantro. Andrea feeds arch frenemy Michelle Bernstein some chewy buffalo meat. Alex makes ostrich that has been "barded", which I am pretty sure means he sang it some lullabies before braising. Kevin feeds the ladies his nuts and Angelo is positively tittering in the background as Padma eats it with a very straight face. Angelo's crocodile is well seasoned, but the texture is all wrong. Stephen fried up a frog leg, Kenny makes a rattlesnake cake, Kelly does up an emu egg omelet, and Amanda roasted a llama.
As guest judge, Michelle Bernstein gets to mock the losers: Stephen had insipid frog legs, Alex had dry ostrich, and Andrea's boar was a bore, also her mom is ugly, her hair is frizzy, and if she ever crosses Biscayne Blvd there's gonna be a fight. The top dishes? Kelly's emu omelet was a delight, Tamesha's duck tongue was almost perfection and Amanda's llama was well done. The winner? Kelly! She is thrilled that her very simple omelet beat out everyone, although I am sure we can all agree that if Angelo had been able to complete his Duck Nut Marshmallows they would have won. In fact, they probably would have just crowned him Top Chef right then and there.
Moving on to the Elimination Competition. Padma announces that the Cold War is alive and well in Top Chef kitchen. So they all have to make dishes that are best served cold. Stephen makes Freaky Face at the thought of making cold food, probably because his salad was so ill received last week. However, almost every single dish Stephen has made has been poorly received so I have no idea what Freaky Face is all about. Maybe he is just stretching his eyeballs. Not only does everyone have to make a cold dish, but they then have to serve that dish to the judges as well as to half their peers. Their pissed off angsty revenge-filled co-competitors will then vote on who is to be selected as the winner and loser in each group. Battle lines are drawn and everyone starts talking defensively about how everyone hates them and their mad cooking skillz. Mostly it is Kenny who is talking defensively, because that is where his real mad skillz lie.
Padma announces that the lucky, lucky chefs get to go on a cruise on the Presidential yacht around the Potomac while they plan their menus. Kenny is doing a lot of talking, so he has laid the groundwork to probably end up in the bottom three. Amanda thinks no one (but her of course) has realized the impending hurt feelings when people start publicly judging each other's food. Kevin isn't sure why Angelo is offering so many tips and pointers and suggestions to their other teammates, but Kevin is wily and wary and staying far, far away from Angelo's advice. Kevin goes to take a nap on the Presidential Bed, which is only there to serve as a reminder that Kennedy used this boat, and to complain to Kenny about Angelo's burning desire to help. How dare he, right?
Off to Whole Foods! Angelo spies some sexy sockeye salmon and just can't help himself in front of it. Sexy is not an adjective I usually use in reference to raw fish, but I also don't fondle drake testicles and think "marshmallows!" These are all clear indications that I am not Top Chef material. Then Tamesha makes a fatal error. She opts to make scallops (gasp!). Everyone runs around the store and the only interesting thing that happens is that we discover that Stephen is approximately two feet shorter than Angelo. Also, Amanda looks silly in plaid.
Back in the Hilton's kitchen, everyone starts running and explaining that their dish will be "really delicious", while everyone else's will not. Andrea pauses in the action to delve into her history with Michelle Bernstein. The two women were rising stars in the Miami culinary scene when Andrea got married and started having children. Michelle, being bitter and alone with only a cold kitchen to call home, continued to rise, while Andrea chose motherhood over the cold joys of a well-prepared mise en place. Andrea is still an excellent chef, but she has three delightful children while Michelle has a James Beard award to cuddle at night. So it is your basic Working Woman vs. Mommy Track situation. Head on over to Jezebel.com or UrbanBaby message board to continue THAT conversation cause lord knows we aren't having it here.
Kevin is making a surf n' turf and he is feeling "very confident" about it. Kenny knows that when his competitors see the dish they are going to know he is serious competition. He also knows they are going to put him in the bottom because they can't take the level of competition he brings. There is something about Kenny that makes me think that in the movie of his life he is played by Ice T. Amanda is making a chicken galantine and taking out her frustration at trying to run an entire chicken through a meat grinder by running in circles and squawking probably just in commiseration with the poor mangled bird. This does not endear her to her colleagues. Angelo runs around trying to help Tamesha and Stephen and everyone but Tamesha and Stephen is suspicious of this. Angelo reminds us that he doesn't trust everyone in the house and he is there to win, but not to play games. Except maybe with Tamesha or maybe just with the leftover salmon he has tucked in his pants. Time's up!
After a few establishing shots proving that they are still in fact in Washington D.C. , which were probably not worth the time and money it took to get the security clearances to shoot the boring B roll (ooh the Supreme Court!), the cheftestants roll into whatever grand gilded ballroom they are cooking in today. Then they prepare to be judged. Kevin, Amanda, and Ed all pretend they are very nervous to be judged by their roommates. Kevin explains that each group will choose which one dish is the best and which is the worst in each group. The best will be up for the crown, the worst will be up for elimination. Kenny, who I am starting to think is actually a paranoid schizophrenic and is about to knife somebody if the producers don't start lacing his wine with Thorazine, lays out the ground rules for the strategic backstabbing, which are extremely simple: who do you like? Vote for them to win. Who do you consider your competition? Vote for them to lose. I am so glad that Kenny is publishing his Paranoid's Guide to Surviving Top Chef. For sale soon in the Bravo store!
Alex then reminds us that while the competition is being set up as team vs. team, it's really still competitor vs. competitor. Amanda gives him a taste of her galantine and he taste cartilage, but DOESN'T TELL HER! Thus confirming Kenny's worst fears. Welcome to the Jungle, baby! It's hard to tell with Alex whether he is much of a dick in person as he is in his alone time with the camera. Is his confessional camera persona going to come as a complete surprise? Or does everyone know he is an asshat?
Ten minutes to service! The judges line one side of the table, while Angelo, Tamesha, Andrea, Stephen, and Kelly sit opposite. Angelo has used so much product in his hair that it has given up the fight and has laid down in silent protest. We still see your scalp! Amanda introduces her dish first: Chicken galantine with plum compote and some surprise cartilage for texture. Kevin brings out his surf and turf that is tuna paired with veal and sprinkled with romaine leaves, pine nuts, and "Mediterranean condiments", which I am pretty sure is just Heinz ketchup with a Greek label. Kenny offers a duo of lamb. One half is grilled lamb salad, the other is lamb carpaccio with black-eyed pea hummus. Alex has also offered lamb, but his is sous vide and coated in pumpkin seed dust and treachery. Ed made a vichyssoise and salmon and pumpernickel sandwiches. Judgment time, part 1!
Kenny's lamb is first on the chopping block. Angelo's strategy is clear: Trash everyone, but make the criticism sound really sincere. Kenny's lamb is too raw, Alex's lamb and beet puree are under seasoned, Amanda's galantine isn't cold enough and Andrea got the lucky piece of cartilage. Every time Andrea appears on camera they cut to Michelle Bernstein making a very carefully composed "non judgmental" face. Out of nowhere, Ed tells us that he hopes they send Amanda home. I don't think she should go home, because it would start a shame spiral that would cause her to start using again and maybe pulling a Jeremy London or maybe a Rachel Uchitel. That said, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew might need more contestants! Or maybe Sober House needs a cook.
Kevin's dish is and everyone thinks it needs more acid. At that, Tom Colicchio has had enough. The dish is delicious! Quit being so freaking mean! They then start talking over each other as quickly as they can to start complimenting the dish in the hope that Tom will think they are nice. Tom is not quite that stupid. Tiffany thinks Kevin's dish is really nice! No, for reals! When Ed's dish arrives, egged on by Angelo, everyone quickly forgets to play nice and berates Ed for serving a dry sponge-like pumpernickel. Tom just sits back, shakes his head, and tries to understand the youth of today.
Then the cheftestants get to choose the best and worst dish. Kevin's dish easily takes the lead with everyone "concurring". Everyone except Andrea agrees that Kenny's dish is a conceptual failure and is nominated TO LOSE. Andrea just couldn't get over the fact that Amanda intentionally served her cartilage in front of Michelle Bernstein. The bitchy chefs excuse themselves to go cook their masterpieces.
And now it is time for one of Bravo's minisodes where we randomly and pursuant to nothing happening on screen now cut back to the house where the Top Chef contestants live. Andrea and Ed are trying to have a quiet conversation about Angelo, but they are not quiet enough to avoid Bravo's super sensitive Whisper 2000 microphones! Andrea calls Angelo "the ringleader", which I guess is rude? And Ed agrees, which I guess is also rude? Ed explains that he isn't letting Angelo get into his head. He's known him for years, you see! He knows his tricks! Also, they used to date the same girl! Hahahaha... wait. What? Angelo isn't gay? Was my gaydar thrown off by all the sexy salmon, soft duck balls talk? Ed laughs that back in college Angelo was dating a really pretty girl and Ed got her drunk or put a bag on his head or something and picked up Angelo's sloppy seconds. In case you didn't catch his meaning he spells it out: Ed "used to bang" Angelo's girl. Ed is super classy. I really don't know what is more surprising: That Angelo isn't gay or that Ed ever got laid. Regardless, this is all getting filed under Things I Did Not Need to Know.
Team B is preparing their dishes for the slaughter and after the roast they gave Team A, everyone is a little nervous. I wonder if Team A will have the balls to send Angelo to elimination? Or whether the glaring and suspicious eye of Tom Colicchio will keep them in check? Angelo is aware of the possibility and his nerves get to him. As if trapped in a nightmare from which he can't wake up, he watches himself over-condiment his dish and JUST CAN'T STOP! Oh the horror! Tamesha, however, has learned from her competitors' mistakes and is determined to not make any. Obviously this means she will make a whole bunch, but it's cute to watch her delude herself.
As soon as Team A sits down, Tom tells them that the bar for bitchiness has been set very high. Everyone laughs and whips out their pocket thesauruses to look up synonyms for "underseasoned" "bland" and "needing acid". Angelo hands his dish to a waiter warning him that "it's like a baby", which probably doesn't really inspire good service. If Angelo goes down it's because the waiter hocked a loogie in his dish AND HE TOTALLY DESERVED IT. Tiffany is up first. She has made a peppercorn crusted ahi tuna in gazpacho sauce. I'm not exactly sure how gazpacho "sauce" differs from just gazpacho, but I'm sure it is just a lack of culinary training on my part. Angelo presents his slow-poached sockeye salmon, but leaves off the "sexy" part, which is disappointing. It does, of course, have Asian flavors. Andrea made a tartare trio sure to make even Michelle Bernstein beg for seconds BUT SHE CAN'T HAVE THEM! Nope, no way. Stephen opted for steak with crispy rice and Tamesha made scallops with pickled rhubarb.
Tiffany's dish is up first. Amanda seems to be unclear on the challenge because she immediately compliments the dish. Um... what? Then Alex joins in and says it was expertly prepared. Andrea is . Michelle Bernstein stares silently as Kenny says the beef tartare was under seasoned and Ed agrees. Michelle totally paid them to say that. Stephen's chilled beef is greeted with rather lackluster responses, which is par for the course for him. Amanda takes one bite of Tamesha's scallops and starts waving her hand in front of her mouth because it is way too spicy. Kevin thinks the scallop was cooked incorrectly and it had a funky flavor. Angelo's dish gets the harshest comments, but Kevin still nominates for the win because it is the only one he really wants to eat more of. Obviously Kenny can't even consider that possibility without punching something, especially when there was too much condiment on it. Everyone else opts for Tiffany's tuna, so she is up for the win.
As for the losers, Tamesha's train wreck was clearly the loser. Stephen always seems to skate by on the fact that his dishes are too boring to remember while, for example, Tamesha has such bold flavors that a wrong step sends in crashing in a culinary fire ball of awfulness. I'm not sure if that is really a good tactic for Stephen in the long run. But, hey, he has managed to last longer than a lot of far, far better chefs so, yay?
Sitting in the Stew Room, Andrea just can't wait to tell Amanda about the cartilage and to hand her the receipt for the dental work she will need after biting into it. Amanda looks rightfully horrified. Angelo almost manages not to smirk as he tells Kenny that he is up for elimination. Kenny is not amused. Kenny is not amused, but he is aware that THEY ARE ALL OUT TO GET HIM. Why? Because he is the best cook in the entire universe and they all know it. Padma comes in and invites Tiffany and Kevin in to be judged. Tiffany and Kevin do a good job pretending that they are super surprised by this outcome, but didn't everyone in the Stew Room tell them that they were selected? What's the surprise? Gail thinks Kevin's dish came together really beautifully. Michelle Bernstein thinks Tiffany's tuna was the most refreshing dish they had and everyone wanted to keep eating it. As the guest judge, Michelle gets to announce the winner: Kevin! Not only does he get the win, but he also gets a Hilton vacation. Six nights in Hawaii courtesy of the Hilton! Airfare included! Woot! That's the first time I've wanted to be a Top Chef contestant, like, ever!
Kevin's victory is soured by the fact that he has to go tell the losers that they are, in fact, LOSERS. Tamesha looks surprised, but Kenny look resigned to the fact that everyone is out to get him and he will have to cut some people as soon as he puts up with the farce of having that wannabe Colicchio dare to judge him. This is such a weird season. The producers keep creating new challenges, but the challenges are so poorly designed that the best chefs keep ending up in the bottom and cooks like Stephen, who obviously aren't nearly as good, keep skating by. This is not a well-planned competitive reality show.
In front of the judges, Kenny looks pissed, as is his wont, but Tamesha looks nervous and is showing her age. They start in on her demanding to know why she chose to use a long pepper? She claims she has made it with that pepper before, but they aren't buying it. Michelle Bernstein chimes in to degrade her scallop. It was cooked on one side and then put into a viscous liquid and was all around gnarly. Tamesha has watched the show enough to know to stand behind her dish despite the fact that Michelle described the dish as if she was frenching the scallop and not in an Angelo sexxxy time sort of way. Tom lists off the 27 ingredients that he could taste in the dish and not one of them was scallop. He brushes off the dish as loss. Tamesha nods meekly.
Kenny (who could be a viable competitor for Colicchio in a Provincetown bear competition) stares down the judges as they try to explain what exactly was wrong with his dish. Kenny doesn't believe any of it, though. He knows his dish was practically perfect in every way. But he knows his competitors want to bring him down. Tom didn't think the two dishes Kenny prepared worked together and Gail thinks it was so complex that the commonality of capers was lost. Kenny nods like he has any idea what the hell Gail is talking about and then Padma asks him the question he has been waiting hours for someone to ask: Why did his peers vote for his elimination? Kenny stands up straighter and recites with conviction the speech he penned in the Stew Room. I am a threat to the other competitors! I am consistently in the top! I am the competition!
Having been forced to lay off of Andrea, Michelle Bernstein has a lot of pent up bitchiness at this point so she cuts off Kenny's speech. She reminds Kenny that although she just got here, she has taste buds and she hated his dish. If she was going to list all the things she hated about the dish they would be in the Room of Judgment all day, all night, and probably into week. Kenny blinks once, then twice. This does not compute.
Padma sends them out to stew some more. Once Kenny leaves the room, Tom starts wretching at the thought of ever eating Kenny's puree again. Gail reminds him that Tamesha's flavors staged a civil war on the plate and no one wants to have a battle in their mouth. It's just unseemly. Tamesha feels certain that she is getting sent home, while Kenny seems content to stew and plot Angelo's death by braising. It's a very The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and her Lover sort of way to go. He's going to poach him in olive oil and serve him with a cauliflower puree! The judges pull the losers back in and announce that it is Tamesha's time to go. She looks downtrodden but Colicchio was pretty nice about it and thinks that she could re-work this dish into something delicious. Probably. Maybe. Tamesha lets her potty mouth shine and blames her departure on a minor mistake. Tiffany blames Angelo for Tamesha's departure. And then Tamesha blames Angelo, too, but less so. She's still proud of herself.
Stay tuned for week when Kenny goes off his meds and knifes Stephen!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is never cooking a scallop or a duck nut. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Watch clips from the episode here, then see who we think will win!
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