By Kim
The season begins in DC with seventeen cheftestants, and as has been the case with the recent seasons, they start with a Mise en Place tournament for the Quickfire Challenge. They change it up a little bit and make the last round one in which the final four have to use the prepped ingredients to create a dish and the winner gets $20,000. Kenny from Colorado impresses early with his speed, winning the first three rounds handily. But the cocky Angelo wins with his dish of roasted chicken wing and thigh, chilled potato onion jam and potato noodles.
Elimination Challenge: Create a dish that reflects where you are from for three hundred people at the kickoff party for the Cherry Blossom Festival. They divide into four groups, with the winner of each group being up for the win and the loser being up for elimination. The four finalists from the Quickfire get to choose the groups, and the judges are Padma, Tom, Gail, and Eric Ripert. Here are the groups and their dishes:
Group One:
Amanda, California: red snapper Carpaccio, clementines, sencha oil, daikon, and caraway gelee, which the judges find messy and underseasoned
Arnold, Thailand and Tennessee: Kaffir lime and Thai basil cake, palm sugar anglaise, and "myint" (his last name) julep, and gets no comment from the judges that we see
Kevin, Mid-Atlantic: Pennsylvania lamb, Meyer lemon and pistachio marmalade, and spring onions, which the judges like, flavor-wise
Jacqueline, New York: Duo of Hudson Valley chicken liver and port wine mousse, which is grainy and she knows it
Group Two:
Stephen, Ohio: potato-crusted ribeye, celery root puree, scarlet stadium mustard vinaigrette (for the Buckeyes), but the judges don't like that the meat is deep-fried
Ed, New England: sautéed cod cakes with Boston baked beans and shaved fennel salad, but the judges think there's not enough cod
Lynne, Hudson Valley: corn-camembert ice cream on waffles, bacon praline and caramel sauce
Tracey, Atlanta: stone ground grits, maple cheddar, Port Royal rock shrimp, which the judges find bland
Kenny, Colorado: cinnamon-coffee rubbed trout, black bean mole, goat cheese polenta, and quinoa, and the judges like the seasoning and the texture.
Group Three:
Alex, Russia and California: deconstructed short rib borscht with crème fraiche, which they think is well cooked.
Tamesha, Caribbean: jerked chicken sphere, soft polenta, tamarind, mango, and cilantro, which gets no judge commentary.
Andrea, South Florida and Italy: pork with chorizo potato gnocchi, calabaza, and orange gremolata, which the judges find tasty if not from Miami
Tim, Maryland: pan-seared Maryland rockfish with pickled leek, dill, and grilled crostini, which the judges aren't super pleased with.
Group Four:
Tiffany, Texas: Cajun shrimp and crawfish salad, chicken-fried tomatillos which gets no judge commentary.
Kelly, Rocky Mountains: spice crusted NY strip steak, fiddlehead fern, and wild mushroom sauté, which the judges think is well-seasoned and well-cooked.
Angelo, rural Connecticut: Arctic char with pickled shallots, tapioca, and smoked bacon froth, which Tom loves but Gail thinks has too much dill.
John, Michigan: maple mousse Napoleon with crisp macadamia nuts and vanilla sauce, which the judges think is too sweet and they can't taste the maple.
The four winners are Kevin, Alex, Kenny, and Angelo, and the overall winner is Angelo, which certainly doesn't make him any less cocky. The four losers are Stephen, John, Jacqueline, and Tim. John is ultimately let go because his puff pastry was mushy and the dish was overall too sweet, and he was trying to highlight maple and the judges couldn't taste the maple. And also possibly because he had really gross-looking ratty dreads and who wants to eat food created by someone who probably smells of patchouli and unwashed hair? I'm just saying.
Hope you were ready because this episode starts right away since there's no "Previously On" to fill time. After multiple shots of Washington monuments (including, but not limited to, the actual Washington Monument), we move on to a flurry of cheftestants telling us why they wanted to be on the show. It's all mostly about proving something to someone, and they don't tell us anyone's names yet, so it doesn't have much impact. I really think seventeen cheftestants is too many to start out with. Twelve would be good. It's enough for a decent length season (and they could even split the finale into two parts if they want) and yet it's a reasonable number of people to keep in your head from week to week. But no one asked me. Then there's a preview of the season featuring a refusal to let someone use a foam gun (I think?) and someone yelling in the Stew Room. New judge: Eric Ripert. New challenges: Featuring NASA and Nancy Pelosi. New sponsors: Dial Nutriskin. And then Padma actually says with a straight face, "Hail to the Chef!" Wah wah.
So let's begin meeting the cheftestants! First up is Tiffany, from Texas. She started working at IHOP in high school, and she decided to always work harder than her co-workers and see what happened, and now she's an executive chef. She whoops that she wants to be the first African-American to win in "Barack Obama city." I already like her. She seems fun, but she's also a hard worker. Let's hope she can cook.
chef is Stephen from Ohio. He has a wife and thirteen-month-old twins at home. Speaking as the mother of four-month-old twins, if my husband left me to go live the life in DC while I stayed home, I might throttle him. I hope she has family nearby. Anyway, he thinks being on the show will change his life, and maybe he's right.
Tracey was voted one of the top 25 chefs in Atlanta. I was kind of skeptical of that honor, because was it like an online poll? But I looked it up, and it was done by a food critic, and the chef listed just above her was Richard Blais, so it's legit. She reminds me of Sookie from Gilmore Girls. Hopefully she doesn't burn herself quite as often.
Kenny claims that he scrambled his first egg when he was three years old. He's also apparently from parts unknown, weight unknown, as they don't tell us any information other than that he's confident in his abilities.
Quick break from the cavalcade of cheftestants to plug DC and all of the great chefs that live there, for those who were wondering why they were setting the season in DC this year. Look, I know nothing about the culinary world. I know there are great chefs in NYC and that's about it. You don't have to sell me on DC.
More cheftestants! Kelly is from Vail, and she owns a restaurant with her husband. She was named one of the top young female chefs in the country. Could there be more qualifiers to that award? I was named one of the top female recappers for TWoP that has been writing for the site for a decade and is named Kim. The competition was fierce!
Lynne is one of the older contestants, and she works as an instructor at the CIA. She recognizes that she doesn't have a flashy personal style but she claims that her food is good. She is the definition of middle-aged white lady. She speaks in a monotone. Her hair is dishwater blond. I hope her food is more interesting than her appearance.
Straight (no pun intended) from boring Lynne, we go to flashy Arnold of Nashville. He liked to dance in his kitchen. I think they cast him just so they could use his dancing audition footage. He also got a wardrobe stylist and a facial before coming on. I think Arnold enjoys the company of men. I'm just guessing.
Kevin of New Jersey works at a restaurant called Rat's. I'm sure there's a colorful story behind the name, but I don't know that the name inspires much confidence in the food. "Where did you guys eat last night?" "Rat's." "No, not what did you eat, where?" "Rat's." "No, not what was the kitchen crawling with, where did you eat." "Who's on first?" Anyway, Kevin already knows Kenny, but we don't know how. Because we don't know where Kenny is from.
Jacqueline is a caterer from Brooklyn who kind of looks like Meryl Streep. She wants to prove that a self-taught chef can compete with anyone.
Timothy is a hometown boy, from DC, and he's got the dead wife angle working for him. Look, at this stage in the show, anything that makes someone stand out is fine by me, because there's no way I am going to remember these people otherwise. So Tim is Dead Wife Guy until he does something interesting in a challenge that will make me remember him.
So Tim starts talking to this guy Angelo. The first thing you need to know about Angelo is that he's wearing white pants. So he's the kind of guy who would wear white pants. And he's not from Europe. So there's that. And in their conversation, Angelo keeps bringing up famous chefs he's met and worked with and places he's been (Monte Carlo), obviously expecting that Tim hasn't been any of those places (because Tim's black? I'm just saying). And Tim is like, "Yeah, met him, been there." Tim's totally harshing Angelo's buzz, and Angelo is coming off like a dick. Even more so than I originally thought when I saw the white pants. Angelo also tells us that he ran a Chinese restaurant that was the first to earn a Michelin star. In 2005. So what's he done in the last five years? That seems weird. Is he all talk? We'll find out when he starts cooking. I know most chefs have a healthy ego, but something about this guy bugs me. He looks like a weasel. Tim feels the same way as me, so now Tim is Awesome Dead Wife Guy.
Padma and Tom show up and everyone is excited, especially John from Michigan. Oh, John. John has white guy dreads and hipster glasses. Much like white pants, that tells you oh so much about who he chooses to be. He's in his 40s, so he can't even blame youthful exuberance for his decisions. If I saw that guy in the kitchen while I was eating in a restaurant, I would be grossed out. He just doesn't look hygienic. Call me judgmental, but I like my food minus E Coli.
Padma welcomes everyone. Did I mention they are on the roof of the Newseum? After Tom welcomes them, Padma introduces the first Quickfire, which is a mise en place tournament. First, they have to peel ten potatoes. The twelve fastest move on to round two, where they have to brunoise ten cups of onions. The eight fastest move on to round three, where they have to break down four chickens. The four fastest move on to the final round, where they will use the potatoes, onions, and chicken to create a dish, which will be judged by Tom and Padma. AND, it's a High Stakes Quickfire (why do they still call it that when we're not in Vegas anymore), and the winner will receive $20K. Tom lifts the lid on a silver platter to reveal the saddest, most wrinkled stacks of money ever. I mean, I would love to have that money in my hands, don't get me wrong. But for maximum visual effect, they couldn't get some crisp new bills? Also, it's weird to go into a Quickfire and we've only been introduced to twelve of the seventeen cheftestants, isn't it? Who are some of these people?
The cheftestants take their positions and don their white jackets. Padma tells them to start and Tom blows his whistle. Tom freaking loves that whistle. I think he longs to be a high school basketball referee. They have to peel the potatoes with paring knives. I wonder what's wrong with a peeler? Is it a badge of honor to use a knife? My mom used to use a knife and when I bought my first potato peeler, I was like, "Why? Why was I forsaken all these years?" It's so much easier. Kevin says that he was still on his first potato and he heard Kenny's first potato hit the table, which worried him a bit.
Hey, more introductions! Amanda, also from parts unknown, explains that she's not as experienced as some of her competitors, and she sliced her palm open in the first round, which made her feel dumb. Hey, it wouldn't be a mise en place competition if someone didn't bleed on the food. I would imagine the adrenaline would make it tough to control yourself. I was in a typing speed competition once (not to brag, but I won -- try to avoid being too impressed) and when I first started, my hands were shaking so badly that I almost couldn't type. Luckily, it's tough to cut yourself on a keyboard.
Kenny is the first to finish and it looks like some of the others don't even have two done when he finishes. Angelo finishes . Then John, Tim, and Kevin. Kelly finishes but Tom tells her that she left too much peel on the potatoes. DENIED! I wish that had happened to Michelin Star Angelo. Tiffany and two people named Tamesha and Alex finish up (who?) and there are four spots left. In quick succession, we see Tracey, Lynne, and one of the boring white guys (Ed?) go through so now there is only one spot left. Will Kelly clean up her produce in time? The suspense is killing me! Nope. Andrea finishes first.
Round Two with the onions. No one is crying, as far as I can tell. Maybe the onions aren't fresh. Since they're just getting thrown out (presumably), they could use old produce. They all start chopping, especially Angelo who has vowed not to let Kenny win another round. Not that it matters -- there's no prize for coming in first in any of these rounds. And yet, Kenny does finish first. Yay! I hate Angelo and I love seeing his look of disappointment. The best part is that Kevin and Tiffany both finish before he does. And suddenly his pants are blue. Wait, he did have white pants on before, right? I'm so confused. Alex, Lynne, Tim, and Tamesha take the last four spots.
Let's meet Andrea! She was pissed because she's won cooking awards but she couldn't dice an onion. Anyway, the third round (breaking down four chickens) begins. Kenny the Animal finishes when it looks like his closest competitor is only half done. That guy is amazing. Too bad this isn't Fastest Chef, or he would totally win. Stupid Angelo finishes , then Tim. One spot left! And it's Kevin. So it's an all-male final round.
The final four move to a new table. Angelo wonders if Kenny's speed will translate to good food, and Kenny says that he's there to win it all. And one of them will get, don't forget, $20K. They have to make a dish with chicken, onion, potato, and whatever's in the pantry. Kenny explains that he wants to represent speed, efficiency, and poise, and he wants everyone to see that he's a powerful male. Oh, Kenny. I was loving you. Now I have to downgrade you to like. Because why do you need to be powerful, and what does it have to do with your manhood? This isn't MMA. (Kenny would totally win if it were -- he's a big dude). Angelo says that he feels focused and "like a ninja." I wish a ninja would appear and cut off his hands with a sword or something. Everyone's running and stirring and straining and plating and time is up.
Angelo made roasted wing and thigh, curried onion jam, and potato noodles. I'm not so sure about the chilled onion jam, but there's not a ton of it, so I guess it would be okay. The potato noodles sound good, though. Padma is wearing this vest that shows off her postpartum bosom nicely. I'm sure most straight guys and lesbians noticed that like twenty minutes ago.
Kevin made a boneless chicken wing with hot and sour broth, tomatoes, fennel, potato, and mushroom. These dishes are so tiny that I can't believe there's enough for both Tom and Padma to bite into.
Tim made garlic roasted chicken with a potato galette and oyster mushrooms. I had to look up what a galette is and this kind of doesn't look like the definition I found, but I'll take Tim's word for it. He has cherries in his dish too. At least there's some food on his plate.
Kenny made a duo of chicken with Moroccan spice, potato puree, and onion confit. This seems like more cooking than anyone else did; I guess the speed comes in handy there.
Tom delivers the bad news first: Tim used too much cream in his dish (that's what she said? I don't know) and Kevin's broth was too salty (that's what... I'm sorry. I will stop now). So either Angelo or Kenny is the winner. Ken-ny! Ken-ny! Tom liked how Kenny featured the roasted potato and liked his flavors, and he thought Angelo's chicken was well-cooked. And the winner is...NOOOOO! Angelo! In an interview, Angelo says that he wants to be the first cheftestant to win every single challenge. Oh, come on. If that happened, I would quit the show. Because that just means that everyone else sucks. Kenny says he doesn't care, because he doesn't see Angelo as a threat. Good.
Elimination Challenge. Create a dish that represents your hometown. Kelly is fired up because she cooks regional Colorado cuisine all of the time. What does that even mean? She cooks bison? And... mountains? And Boulder hippies? So then it gets complicated: the cheftestants will be divided into four groups, and one person from each group will be up for the win while one will be up for elimination. As the Quickfire finalists, Angelo, Kenny, Kevin, and Tim get to be team captains. Does it really matter who gets chosen in what order? Obviously, you want the worst people on your team so that you can win easily, but these guys really don't know anything about each other. I mean, maybe I would pick Amanda, who cut her hand open, but other than that, does ability to peel a potato quickly necessarily translate to good cook? And the choosing order ends up having nothing to do with who succeeded in the Quickfire, so who the hell knows?
Ed is the last one standing. Who's Ed? Oh, he's from NYC and he has an impressive resume. He's also the other nondescript white guy that I kept getting confused with Stephen, twin dad. So since they have an odd number, Angelo gets to decide which group will have five, and he puts Ed on Kenny's team. Kenny is like, "He's fucking with me. Good." Padma tells them that they have four hours to prep and then one hour to set up for the Opening Ceremony for the Cherry Blossom Festival.
They all move on to the townhouse where they will be staying during the competition. That must be one big townhouse. The snorers all room together. There's a really nice patio section, which will probably be claimed by the smokers. John sits down to write in his journal (of course he does) about the day. He writes about the hotel and the Quickfire, where he was disappointed in his own performance, but he hopes to give the judges a piece of who he is in the challenge. So, he'll be serving up a dirty hairball wearing glasses? And probably a hacky sack? Do the kids still hacky sack?
Shopping time! With seventeen people, it's tough to get the food you want, especially at the meat counter. Jacqueline wants to do a chicken liver mousse. She does look like Meryl Streep, but also Kate Hudson. The shopping is finished, and everyone heads to the kitchen.
Arnold has bought an orchid? I don't know. Anyway, he claims that he doesn't even know how to use "some of these fancy tools," but I think he's probably playing down his experience. Smart. ANGELO! Take note. If everyone thinks you're not a threat, you can slide under the radar for a few weeks.
Tim's plan is to use rockfish, and he explains that the others in his group are Alex, Andrea, and Tamesha. Tim does NOT intend on being in the bottom four. Unlike the others, who totally want to be in the bottom, Captain Obvious. He's joined by his teammate, Sergeant Self-Evident (Alex) who says that his borscht will either succeed or fail.
Amanda is in Kevin's group, along with Arnold and Jacqueline. Amanda thinks she was chosen because Kevin thinks she sucks, but he's WRONG! Just because she sliced her hand open doesn't mean she's the worst. Kevin explains that he's cooking lamb, but he uses a lot more words to say that. Jacqueline is calling dibs on an oven in a really annoying way. She's bugging me already. Not as much as Angelo, but that wouldn't be possible, because he's bugging me a million times more than anyone. Jacqueline knows that traditionally there is a ton of butter in a mousseline, but she's decided to make a light version. Because light versions always taste awesome. Like light sour cream. Except it doesn't. It tastes terrible. That is a terrible decision.
Angelo's group has John, Tiffany, and Kelly. Angelo explains that he's from a small town in Connecticut, and he's making char with bacon froth. I hate him more now because he's using bacon (trendy) and froth (trendier). Then he says that he can control every single flavor in his dishes like it's an orchestra. God, I want him to colossally fail. I hate his smug little face.
John explains that maple flows through the trees in Michigan. Well, maple is a type of tree, and sap is what flows through those trees. And I have to say, when I think of Michigan (and I lived there for two years), I don't think of maple. Cherries? Wine? Vernors ginger ale? Check. Anyway, weirdo John is making a maple-based dessert, which he knows is a risk, but he thinks it will work and he thinks he can win.
Kenny's team is Tracey, Ed, Lynne, and Stephen. Tracy jokes (I hope she's joking) that Stephen is from a hick town and probably doesn't know how to cook. Tracey? She's a stoner. She's totally got the stoner laugh. Kenny, we finally discover, is from Colorado. Is he from South Park? Can he make chocolate salty balls?
John is having problems with the ovens, Specifically, he burnt the macadamia nuts and hasn't even cooked his puff pastry yet. He and Tracey clearly burned one before the competition started. Meanwhile, Jacqueline is running out of time and decides not to strain her puree. This will be important later. You know it's important because, with seventeen contestants, they barely show anything, so if they show it, it's important.
The chefs arrive at the auditorium and start setting up. Jacqueline discovers that her mousseline is grainy, so she decides to try to cook it again and hope it smoothes out. That seems like a bad idea. Maybe blend it again. Whip it into a different dish? She doesn't have much time, but man. The guests start to arrive and the food is served.
Then the judges arrive. They are Tom, Eric Ripert, "the luscious" Gail Simmons, and Padma. Did Padma just call Gail fat? I think she did. So Amanda is first up, and she gives them all a lesson on California cuisine (which I'm sure they don't need) and introduces her dish: red snapper Carpaccio, clementines, sencha oil, daikon, and caraway gelee. It looks horrible. It looks slimy and there is pepper and orange chunks and yuck.
Arnold explains that he's from Nashville and his mother is from Thailand, so he married the two cuisines and made Kaffir lime and basil cake, palm sugar Anglaise and "Myint" (his last name) julep. Kevin is from south Jersey, so he made a Pennsylvania lamb, Meyer lemon and pistachio marmalade, and spring onions. And Jacqueline made a duo of Hudson Valley chicken liver and port wine mousse. She explains that she went light on the fat. Um, isn't chicken liver fatty by nature? Why would you make a light version? Gail is surprised too, and Jacqueline says that she used egg white as a binder. Sounds flavorful, except minus the flavor part.
The judges start to eat. Amanda's slimy dish is termed messy and Tom snipes that it's not seasoned well. They think Kevin's food is tender and well-seasoned. Jacqueline's dish is not Eric's favorite, which is a nice way of saying that it sucked, and Gail notes that it's coarse. Jacqueline knows that serving grainy pate is not okay. I don't know enough about food science to know why it turned grainy; it could be because she didn't strain it or because she didn't use enough fat, but it's clearly all her fault and not just one of those things that happens.
Oh, there are so many more dishes to go. Here's the group. Stephen made potato crusted rib eye, celery root puree, and scarlet stadium mustard vinaigrette. The chunk of rib eye looks like a chicken tender; there's a reason they don't serve beef nuggets like they serve chicken nuggets. Ed made sautéed cod cakes with Boston baked beans and shaved fennel salad. Lynne made corn-Camembert ice cream on waffles with bacon praline and caramel sauce. What part of that is Hudson Valley specific? I guess the corn and maybe the Camembert. Waffles? Bacon? I don't know. It looks good, though. Tracey made stone-ground grits, maple cheddar, and Port Royal rock shrimp. Kenny made cinnamon-coffee rubbed trout, black bean mole, goat cheese polenta, and quinoa. Once again, he cooked like twice as much as anyone else. Speed demon.
Judge tasting. Tom thinks Tracey's shrimp is bland. Tom adds that Ed's beans and cod cake is a little heavy and there's not enough cod. They move on to discuss Stephen's rib eye, and Ripert says he can't taste the beef, and Gail adds that all she tastes is fried. Then, in the biggest non sequitur of the week, a former Bachelor pops up and says that he wouldn't serve it to his kids. What? Why would you serve any of these dishes to your kids? What does that have to do with anything? They think Kenny's food is great, well-seasoned, and has layers of flavors. Kenny interviews that he's nervous to serve seafood to Ripert.
Alex is up , and explains that he decided to deconstruct borscht. Oh, he's one of THOSE. I thought I was done with the Voltaggio brothers and their deconstruction. Anyway, Alex made deconstructed short rib borscht with crème fraiche. Tamesha made a "jerked chicken sphere" (it's a meatball), soft polenta, tamarind, mango, and cilantro. Andrea made pork with chorizo (isn't that pork?) potato gnocchi, calabaza, and orange gremolata. Tim made pan seared Maryland rockfish with pickled leek, dill, and grilled crostini.
The judges try Andrea's gnocchi first. Padma doesn't see the Miami connection, but likes the flavor, and Tom agrees that it's well-seasoned. Seriously, he has said that about every dish he liked so far. I wonder if he watches these episodes back and cringes. They all agree that Alex's borscht actually works, to their surprise. Moving on to Tim's fish, Tom doesn't like the sauces, and Eric points out that he kept the skin on, and it was too thick, so it didn't really work. Tim interviews that he is confident in his dish, so you know he's going down the tubes.
The final group is up. Tiffany made Cajun shrimp and crawfish salad and chicken-fried tomatillos. Her plate kind of looks like puke. It's not appetizing to look at, so I hope it tastes good. Kelly, the regional Colorado cook, made spice crusted New York strip steak, fiddlehead fern and wild mushroom sauté. Um, wouldn't that be more a NYC dish then? Angelo made Arctic char with pickled shallots, tapioca, and smoked bacon froth. It looks like raw fish that one of my babies spit up on. John says again that maple syrup is running through the tree. Y'all, I don't think he knows where maple syrup comes from. I mean, yes, the sap runs through the trees, and you collect it, but it's not like then it just goes in the jar. There's a process. Didn't he read the Little House books? Anyway, he made maple mousse napoleon with crisp Macadamia nuts and vanilla sauce. It looks like something you'd buy in the frozen food section because you were desperate for a dessert and that's all they had.
The judges start with Angelo's dish. Tom says it's really good. Gail thinks there's a lot of dill, but Tom thinks it's appropriate. Tom says that Kelly's steak is well-cooked and well-seasoned (ding!). Is Tom the only one making comments this week? up is John's maple mousse. No one tastes the maple and they think it's too sweet. John isn't sure if he's safe from elimination. It's not looking good, dude.
The chefs crowd into the stew room and await judging. Padma comes in and asks to see Kevin, Alex, Kenny, and Angelo. So it's the four that won the Quickfire, minus Tim, plus Alex. Interesting. We have some frontrunners. The judges start by congratulating them for being tops in their groups. They start with Kenny. Gail says that she thought at first that he had too much food, but when she actually tasted it, it worked. Tom agrees that the flavors worked well together. But was it well-seasoned, Tom? They tell Kevin that his dish was simple, but it tasted good. Gail tells Angelo that you tasted the chili and the acid and his dish was "really smart." Oh, Gail. Don't do that. Ripert adds that the bacon foam was a pleasant surprise. I've got a bad feeling about this. And finally, they tell Alex that he did a good job keeping the original flavors intact while deconstructing the dish. It falls to Eric Ripert to announce the winner, and the winner is... Angelo. BOOOOOO! I mean, I'm sure his food tasted good. I just hate that he won both challenges in the first week. And then he says that he setting a "presidents," so at least he did something dumb to mar his victory slightly.
The top four return to the Stew Room and announce that Angelo is the winner, and then Angelo sends back Stephen, John, Jacqueline and Tim, who interviews that he thought maybe Angelo was joking. Ooh, it doesn't bode well when Tim isn't even sure why he's in the bottom four. The judges start by asking Stephen why he cut his meat so thinly that it couldn't help but be overcooked. Stephen says he had intended it to be cooked on the outside but medium rare on the inside, and obviously it didn't work. Ripert adds that his meat looked like chicken nuggets. Ouch. Gail questions why Jacqueline would try to make her dish low-fat, when it was chicken liver. Jacqueline says that she's never made the dish without her recipe, but she's served it hundreds of times. Tom asks why she needs a recipe if she's served it hundreds of times. Jacqueline starts talking about the seasoning and Tom interrupts, "That's not what I asked." This ain't the bush league, girlfriend. Answer the question! Jacqueline says she doesn't have the recipe memorized, so either she's lying or she's dumb, because come on. Tom looks disgusted and kind of perplexed.
Tom tells John that his dish didn't have enough maple and the pastry was soggy. John says he bought the pastry pre-prepared, but he thought of the pastry as "an instrument to bring the mousse to your mouth." And yet by weight, it was like two-thirds of the plate. So that was a bad decision. Gail points out that the pastry was a big part of what they tasted and John says he was being stupid. Honest, but not a great defense. They move on to Tim, who thinks his dish was awesome. Ripert points out that the skin on the fish was tough, and he should have removed it. Tom rubs it in, saying that Tim is the only one who was a captain and lost, since all of the other captains won. Tim says that he let himself down, although he never says what was wrong. Maybe he was just in a strong group.
The bottom four return to the Stew Room so that the judges can deliberate. Gail wonders why John chose that dish, if he didn't know how to make the pastry. Ripert adds that the cream was grainy and thin and Tom calls it "amateurish." They move on to discuss Stephen, and Tom thinks that he got caught up in the story of it (he had a long explanation about Ohio and the Buckeyes that I didn't bother explaining because snore) and forgot about the cooking of it. Ripert wonders why Jacqueline thought her dish needed to be diet, and Gail adds that what she thought was the selling point of her dish (lowfat) was its downfall. Then they talk about Tim's fish, and Ripert mentions the skin thing again. I guess that's all he did wrong, though, so he's probably safe.
Weird interstitial. While in the Stew Room, the cheftestants divide up into those who drink and those who don't. And then there's a subset of those who drink called "Those Who Make Dice Out of Giant Boxes and Play Craps and Bet Fruit Snacks." I would probably be in that group. A few people (Tiffany, Ed) are all clutching their pearls that some people aren't taking the competition seriously. The cooking is done, and they're just waiting to hear who goes home. Why not blow off some steam? Lighten up.
It's finally time to find out who's going home. He starts out by telling Stephen, "if Cleveland rocks, your dish didn't." AM I RIGHT, FOLKS? Seriously, Tom. Leave the jokes out. That was terrible. Jacqueline's mousse wasn't well-made. John didn't show who he was as a chef. Tim didn't represent his region well. So who's going home? It is... John. Oh, thank God. I don't know how much more of those gross dreadlocks, weird glasses, and giant teeth I could take. If you watched the Extended Judges' Table clip on the official site, they pointed out that he bought pre-made pastry and canned mangoes, so he really only made the mousse. He's like the Sandra Lee of this show. He deserved to go home. How did that dish take him five hours? Anyway, he claims that he's grown as a person. Hopefully he hasn't grown more hair.
Watch highlights of last night's episode now.
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