By Kim
The Fan Favorite is Fabio. Read the rest if you want, but not much else happened.
Andy Cohen starts out by asking if anyone thinks he or she will be the fan favorite, and they all agree that it’s probably Fabio or Carla, although Stefan thinks it’s him. Colicchio quickly dispels that notion.
After a montage of Hosea’s journey to victory, Hosea says that he’s hoping to use his winnings to open a restaurant. The judges talk about why they chose Hosea, and it boils down to that Hosea had a great day and Stefan and Carla just had good days. Stefan claims ridiculously that he didn’t even want to win.
After a montage of Fabio and Stefan’s Euromance, Stefan is presented with a T-shirt that says “I heart Fabio” (on sale now on Bravo’s website). What? No monkey ass T-shirts? Then there’s another montage of kooky Carla. Are they going to ask any questions on this show, or is it just going to be montage, reaction, montage, reaction?
Hey, did you know Daniel, Eugene, Radhika and Leah were all eliminated on or around their birthdays? Fascinating. Also, the judges can be really harsh, especially Toby. The judges defend themselves by saying that real-world food critics can be worse, so they should get used to it.
Leah and Hosea flirted and then made out. Hosea tries to be magnanimous but then gets all defensive and says that he knows similar things have happened in past seasons, but the participants didn’t get caught on camera. They admit that they’ve seen each other since filming ended and they broke up with their significant others. Neither will commit to actually relocating for the relationship, though.
We find out, through unaired footage, that on the night that everyone wore the crazy headbands to Judges’ Table, Leah and Jamie were totally drunk. Also, Ariane cried a lot. Also, Stefan digs chicks and is kind of a poon hound. And everyone had a nickname, which leads to the second T-shirt of the night for Ariane: “I’m a Cougar in the Kitchen.” Ooooo-kay. Jamie complained a lot. Jeff doesn’t really think Tom’s food is boring, and wonders why they showed him shirtless all the time. A lot of the men were bald.
Fabio wins the Fan Favorite, because he’s funny and has an accent. Wow, what a boring reunion.
Oh, God. Andy Cohen is hosting. Look, Bravo is my overlord so I don't want to piss anyone off, but there's a reason that some people work in the below-the-line jobs and some people are on-camera talent. And it has nothing to do with "How much do you LOOOOOOVE reality shows!" Because if that were the case, I would be hosting Rock of Love Bus right now. But I'm not ridiculously good looking and I'm not natural in front of a camera, so here I sit in my home office, snarking away. Andy Cohen is, I'm sure, great at his job as Senior Vice President in Charge of Making Sure No One Steals Any More Franchise Shows or whatever, but he's not a good interviewer and he's not natural in front of the camera. Remember when Rosie or Bryant Gumbel used to host the Survivor reunions? And they sucked? And now Probst does, but they suck in a different way? There just has to be a better option for the reunion hosting. I don't think Padma should do it, but someone who is familiar with the show and not afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions and doesn't make me want to STAB MYSELF IN THE EARHOLE. I'm just saying.
Andy starts out by introducing Colicchio, Padma, Gail, and Toby. Colicchio seriously looks like he needs a nap, and possibly an alcoholic beverage. He really doesn't want to be there, guys. But it's in his contract, so there you go. I think he hates Toby. And he's pissed that Jamie didn't win. Since this reunion is so boring, I'm just going to make shit up about the various participants based on my own crazy meandering thoughts. Hope you find it entertaining, but keep in mind that this is parody, and thus not actionable. So anyway, Colicchio is all, "Why did Toby get to come? Does that mean he's coming back season? Because if I have to hear one more labored pop-culture analogy, I'm going to cut a bitch." Tom is the voice of the viewer, y'all.
Andy welcomes the chefs, especially the final four of Hosea, Fabio, Stefan, and Carla, who they have jammed all onto one small couch. Fabio is totally doing that subway-riding big ball thing where his legs are super far apart and taking up at least 2/3 of the couch and poor Carla is practically climbing up the arm of the couch to have some space, since she's two feet taller than Fabio anyway. Andy starts with the hard-hitting questions by asking if anyone wants to admit that he or she might be the Fan Favorite. Daniel raises his hand and everyone laughs. Oh, Daniel, you card. No one likes you. Hey, I think Daniel filled in his facial hair! So at least one good thing came out of this season. Daniel realized that he looked like a dweeb. A couple of people mention Fabio and Carla as contenders for Fan Favorite. Leah says she thinks it's Stefan and everyone giggles because we've been trained by the editors to think Stefan is evil. Stefan claims it's possible: "Read zuh blogs!" Colicchio says it's not possible and Stefan mock-grimaces. Andy asks if Stefan really believes he has a shot and Stefan says he wouldn't have shown up otherwise, like he's not contractually obligated to do so. I mean, why else is Jeff there? Toby asks what would stop someone from voting for him or herself, and is told that you can. Oh, Toby. Welcome to 1998. Seriously, has he never seen or heard of an online poll? And how unscientific they are? I mean, one glance at any poll on this site proves that. Which is why no one takes them seriously, unless of course it could mean winning money. Anyway, Stefan tried to vote for himself, but we won't find out who won until the last part of the show, because they have to give us a reason to watch what doesn't happen.
Andy asks everyone to applaud this season's winner, Hosea. What is the dumbest, lamest question you could ask Hosea? How does it feel to have won? Because that's what he asks. Bleh. And Hosea says it really sucks and curses the day he entered the competition. No, he says exactly what you would think -- it's surreal, but it feels good. Andy asks who is surprised that Hosea won and Leah jokingly raises her hand. Hosea claims that when they left New York before the finale, Leah told him that she didn't think he would beat Stefan. Ouch! Why would she say that? Even if we all thought it was true, there was no reason. Anyway, Andy introduces a clip package of how Hosea made it to the top, which we've already seen, so let's just fast forward, no? I mean, I'll shorthand it for you. Hosea had poor self-esteem, was a country mouse, had a dad with cancer, wanted to beat Stefan a lot, prepared a lot of fish/seafood, and then he won.
Andy's brilliant follow-up question: What are you going to do with the money? Hosea says he's looking into various business ventures. Andy asks Tom why Hosea won. Tom recaps the storyline of the last few episodes, which is that everyone was cooking great food. Carla came on strong out of nowhere. Stefan may have suffered from heightened expectations by the judges. Hosea was slow and steady. Toby says that Hosea had a good day (with the subtext being that he had ONE good day) and Stefan and Carla didn't. Toby kind of makes it out to be a fluke, which is shitty. Gail says that the competition was very close, and there was much discussion and arguing over it. Yeah, take that, BLOGGERS!
Stefan claims that he's happy that he didn't win, and he's not upset. Andy doesn't really follow up on that, even though it would be interesting to hear Stefan dig his way out. Colicchio notes that Jeff looks like he wants to kill Stefan. I think Jeff wants to hulk out and kill everyone there, based on some of his interviews since the show ended.
Oh, God, they are taking questions from the Internet. Sometimes they are good, but usually they are terrible. Again, journalism. I know it's a dying art, but look into it. Do some research and ask some actually interesting and provocative questions. Make this episode more than just a throwaway. Anyway, someone wants to know why Stefan and Fabio love each other so much, and we get to watch a Team Euro clip package first. You know they are both thinking, "Oh, Americans, and your internalized homophobia!" At least no one has said bromance yet. Until, in the clip package, Fabio kisses Stefan's bald head one too many times and Leah says the dreaded b-word. Ugh. The cheftestants are all amused by the clip package for the same reason that we all like to watch home movies of ourselves, but should never show them to anyone else because no one cares. Fabio has to tell everyone that's he's straight so I guess Americans aren't the only ones with internalized homophobia. But he says kissing is a European thing, and Padma agrees. Toby asks the dumbest question ever: he wonders if Fabio and Stefan hold hands walking down the street. Yes, because that's what men do in Europe. They hold hands walking down the street. What I wouldn't give for Colicchio to just stand up and punch Toby in the face. You know he wants to. Anyway, Fabio jokes that he uses a leash instead, which gets a big laugh.
viewer question: Someone wants to know how Fabio broke his finger. Um, he fell, and it broke? Do they want, like, the MRI? Again, out of all the questions that were submitted, I refuse to believe that was the most interesting. I am willing to bet that it was the one they had footage for, to make a clip package. Fabio explains that he was wearing sneakers, and he slipped. Wow, thanks for solving that mystery! Of all the things I've wondered about this season that had to be in the top... nothing, because I never wondered that. Andy insultingly asks if Stefan was worried about his boyfriend. Bleh, skip to the part where Toby says pussy and it isn't bleeped and then Stefan gets a T-shirt that says "I heart Fabio." Buy yours now!
Carla was kooky! Let's look at a clip package where she talks about her spirit guides and serving food with love. And a clip we never saw where Carla sang a made-up song about Judges' Table. Plus, hootie hoo. And then kooky Carla started winning. Sidebar: You know how you go to workshops or camps or whatever, and they make you do an icebreaker? And you have to say an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name to introduce yourself? I always had to pick kooky. I don't think I'm particularly kooky, but there really are no other adjectives that start with K. Ketchup-y? Knowing? That seems like cheating. Anyway, it always bugged me when they did that icebreaker. It's discriminatory. I guess I should be glad my name's not Xena or Zelda or something, but then I would have other problems in my life. Carla admits that she gets a lot of people coming up to her and saying hootie, and Colicchio points out that it won't work anymore. People, this is why cell phones were invented. Just call him and be like, "Where are you? Because I'm near the ice cream table and you need to get here right now." Andy asks Carla if her positive attitude helped her make it to the finale. Do you really think she's going to say no? I mean, she could say it was due to her cooking, but everyone made good food. So Carla predictably says that it did, and once she stopped being scared, she made good food.
Apparently, this season, a lot of the cheftestants were eliminated on or around their birthdays. This is mildly interesting. Does it merit a clip package? In a season where there were no big fights or other drama, I guess it does. Daniel was eliminated on his birthday. Eugene was eliminated on her birthday. Radhika was eliminated on her birthday. Leah was eliminated on her birthday. The one funny thing about the package is that they insert a lightning/thunder sting when Padma tells each one to pack your knives and go. After the package, Daniel talks about all the bad things that have happened to him on his birthday. Fabio lies and says he thinks Daniel has a chance to win Fan Favorite. Girl, please.
Allegedly, people want to know about Leah and Hosea. Really? Do they? Are they not two of the most boring people on the show ever? Anyway, there's a clip package of them flirting and finally kissing when they thought the cameras weren't around. The only part Leah gets upset about is the interview where she was crying over her boyfriend. After the package ends, Andy asks them exactly what happened. Really? Do we need the gory details? Anyway, Hosea says that you're stuck in the house with nothing to do and lots of alcohol, so you do the math. Hosea takes responsibility but says alcohol was definitely a factor. Toby Young is totally into it and points out that they tried to find a spot hidden from the cameras. Hosea says it threw him off his game a bit, because he was thinking about going home and dealing with his girlfriend. Tom asks if any of the other cheftestants had an issue with it, and Stefan says no one cares, and they've all fucked around on someone at some point. Speak for yourself, dude! Although most people probably have, and if Bourdain's books are any guide, probably all chefs have. Hosea makes the bold statement that he's sure there have been other hookups on the show, but he and Leah are the ones that got caught. Andy presses him for details, and I'm sure there are rumors, but Hosea realizes he should shut his piehole, and he does. The judges act like they've never heard of such a thing, and then Richard jokes that they found out about him and Tom and everyone laughs.
So after a commercial break, we're back to milking even more from this non-relationship. A viewer wants to know how Hosea and Leah's significant others were affected by the kiss. Hosea got dumped as soon as he got home; Leah's boyfriend stuck it out for a little bit and then dumped her. She must be really good in bed, because I can't imagine any other reason why someone would date her. I mean, she's pretty enough, but that only lasts so long. Maybe he thought she was going to win, so he tried to stick it out, and then one day was just like, "Seriously? I am killing myself here. And for what? Some free plasticware from Glad? It's over." Andy goes there and asks Hosea and Leah if they are together now. Hosea has been appointed spokesperson (probably because Leah is not that bright) and says that they are "good friends." Andy asks, "Friends with benefits?" Yuck! To steal a phrase from Seth Myers, REALLY? Are there really people out there who need to know if they are fucking? Why? What does that do for you? Hosea points out that they don't live in the same city, but if they did, they might consider dating. Ariane, the yenta, asks if anyone would relocate. Leah says she loves New York, and Tom asks Hosea if he would consider an opportunity in New York, if one presented itself. Hosea says he would because he loves New York. Translation: he doesn't love Leah. They totally had sex a few times, but now it's out of their systems, and they're not the love affair of the century. MOVING ON.
So it's Stew Room Hijinks! I really wish we had seen some of this on the show. I love people being goofy and whatnot to amuse themselves and I think it tells you more about their personalities than eight million interviews. For example, one time they made beds out of plastic bags and plastic wrap and some pallets. Another time, they made a volleyball court with a plastic wrap net. There was singing and dancing and general cutting up.
Andy Cohen introduces some unseen footage of Leah and Jamie getting totally trashed in the Stew Room before heading out to Judge's Table. I remember this night! This is when they all wore headbands and I was like, "What's up with the headbands?" Turns out they were drunk. Like so drunk that they could barely stand up at Judges' Table and were giggling the whole time, which made the judges start giggling. I have to say that drunk Leah seems way more fun than sober Leah. Jamie explains that they both knew they were safe that night, and needed to blow off some steam. Padma says it was hysterical and Colicchio is surprised it hasn't happened before. I like that they keep their sense of humor about it instead of being like, "They didn't respect the process of judging, and they dishonored the show."
A viewer wants to know who the biggest crier was this season, and everyone points to Ariane. We see a clip package of Ariane and various others crying it up, especially after they were eliminated, and then Stefan at the end saying, "Get over it, dude!" This is why I could hang with Stefan.
Another viewer wants to know how she can get some of Stefan's cockiness to help her succeed as a chef. Stefan says he wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and says that he's the best of the best. Is anyone else picturing that scene in Reservoir Dogs where Tim Roth looks in the mirror and goes, "Don't pussy out on me now. They don't know. They don't know shit. You're not gonna get hurt. You're fucking Barretta. They believe every fucking word 'cause you're super cool." I think that's Stefan's daily affirmation. It might be mine, starting tomorrow. That introduces the clip package of Stefan, the horndog. The best is the shot of Stefan's face when Padma walks into the Stew Room wearing that pink dress with her boobs all hanging out. Classic. Stefan tries to explain his crush on Jamie and it starts out nice with him saying how much he respects her cooking, but then he has to go and say she has a nice rack, too, and she has to pretend to be flattered and it's all kinds of gross. And then she says she'd die before having sex with him, and he acts like he'd still do it with her dead body, and this just took a turn. Andy tries to bring things back by asking who thinks Stefan might be Fan Favorite and not one person raises his or her hand. HARSH!
A viewer wants to know about nicknames. They made that up. Not one person actually wrote in and asked about nicknames. So Patrick was Pocket Chef, Richard was Big Gay Rich, and Jeff was Don Sorbet Johnson. My favorite part of this segment is that, at one point in a store, Jamie is scratching her back with the same back scratcher my husband bought me for a dollar. That thing rules. Hosea was O.T. for Old Testament, since that's where his name comes from. (That sentence made me think of an old Beastie Boys lyric: "I come from Brooklyn cuz that's where I'm from." It was about as grammatically mangled. Sorry.) Daniel was Gummi Bear, Leah was Ho Fo Sho, and Ariane was Cougar. Now this whole segment makes sense -- it was all to introduce the T-shirt they give to Ariane that says, "I'm a cougar in the kitchen." Also, Ariane says cheftestants -- shoutout to Keckler!
A viewer wants to know about Gail's wedding. No one cares. Seriously. No one does. I mean, Gail does. And her family and friends, maybe. Another viewer wants to know why Radhika always made Indian food after saying she didn't want to be known for it, and Radhika says that her food was Indian-influenced, but not traditional Indian. Another viewer wants to know why Jamie had such a puss on her face at all times. Clip package of Jamie being annoyed, pissed off, and defensive. Jamie laughs at the footage and then says that she's really hard on herself, but she doesn't think she acted that way on the show. Her fellow cheftestants disagree, but Carla says that it was a defense mechanism, and Jamie probably isn't like that when not on the show.
Andy asks Jeff why he told People that Tom's food was boring. Jeff says he was misquoted and it broke his heart, because he doesn't think that at all, and Tom says he understands and has been misquoted before. Hmm. Do I believe the misquoted story? It happens. I don't buy it in this case, I have to say. But Tom does, so I guess that's all that matters. Andy asks Jeff why he thought the show used him as a sex symbol. Jeff says his wife pointed out that every show started with him topless, and he didn't know what was up with that. It's a valid point but tough to explain without coming off like you think you're awesome.
The questions are coming fast and furious now. Another viewer wants to know why so many of the male chefs this season were bald. Hosea, Stefan, Eugene, Patrick, and Colicchio were all bald, mostly by choice. Oh, and Toby is bald as well. Gail tells a really unfunny story about being in a room with Hosea, Stefan, Toby, and Tom and feeling like the odd one out. Good one, Gail. Then there's Phun with Photoshop where they show different cheftestants with fake hair on a big screen. Again, this is something that would be hilarious if you were in the room, but stick it in a blog, people. Don't waste my viewing time with this crap. Then everyone talks for a while about what a sex symbol Tom Colicchio is, and I'm still bored.
Time to find out who the Fan Favorite is! I'm not that excited about it, so I'm not sure why I used an exclamation point. Richard campaigned on Facebook to win this and they joke about the Bear Vote. But the winner is... Fabio! Let's remember why people voted for him through a clip package. Monkey ass! Clam shell! Toby asks Stefan if he's glad he didn't win Fan Favorite, and everyone laughs. Fabio says he's going to put the money into remodeling his restaurant and expanding his business. He adds that his mom is doing okay, and he'd love to bring her over to this country. Toby asks Hosea how his dad is doing, and Hosea says he's struggling a bit. Fabio adds that they have to support their families. And on that downer note, the reunion is over! See you season.
Kim plots world domination, one domain at a time, at her blog Fresh Hell. You can contact her at reedkim@gmail.com.
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