Because Top Chef never seems to give me more than a few months' break before shoving something back on the airwaves, we now have this holiday special, featuring a rather odd selection of cheftestants and filmed at a time that wasn't actually a holiday. (Unless you count Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, and the producers clearly weren't.) From Season 3, we have CJ (YAY!), Sandee (bwuh?), and Tre (DAMN STRAIGHT!). The Twosies are Josie (...okay?), Betty (not enough earplugs in the world), and Marcel (of course). Finally, going all the way back to the very first season, we have Tiffani (natch) and Stephen (awesome). Why season one got only two reps is a mystery. As they are all competing for a cash prize of $20,000 that isn't even going to charity for this fake season of giving, Padma wonders if there will be "goodwill towards all," or if it will be "the holiday from hell."
Okay, the first Rav-4 pulls up to the Top Chef Chicago house, and not only is there no snow on the ground, but the TCC house is the only decorated house on the block. It looks ridiculous. And obvious. I feel sorry for the neighbors. However, since the producers continue to think the viewers are dumb enough to be convinced by their shallow sleight of hand, all the cheftestants make loud noises about how cold it is outside. This is also when we get to catch up with the various cheftestants.
Stephen is opening a restaurant "soon," as is LA-based Tiffani. Tiffani tells us that "Top Chef puts asses in seats," so she's here to win the $20,000 and the asses. Josie, in a knit ski cap and fur-lined anorak, bounces loudly into the house and reminds us that she was ousted in the fifth round. I am so not ready for this cheftestant. As soon as she sees Josie, Betty screams loud enough to shatter my "Glass Spider" album. Marcel, his hair expertly sucked and piled on top of his head, tells us that he's been doing all sorts of dream living, like doing commercial fishing in Alaska. Raise your hand if you'd like to see Marcel as the newest greenhorn on the Northwestern. Now, raise your hand if you'd like to see Ilan used as crab bait. I think we've got a show there. Marcel, his sunglasses still on inside the house, gives Betty the barest of hugs. Betty reminds us of all the crap that went down between her and Marcel. She says there were "just circumstances that built up." Betty goes on, showing all seventy-five teeth, "I'm was a little bit embarrassed that I showed so much anger. [And veins.] And I'm able to step back now and see Marcel for who he is." And we're able to see your veins for the scary purple color they are. Stephen tries to out-pompous Marcel as they toast each other, and I realize that, man, it's either the years or the tailors that haven't been kind to Stephen. He looks like he's been piped into his suit by a pastry bag. Speaking of not looking good, what's with the Abraham Lincoln beard, Marcel? Are you bringing molecular gastronomy to Lancaster County? Because given how they feel about buttons, I think the Amish might not take to meat glue.
In the kitchen, we can see that while they forced a Christmas stocking on Jewish Stephen, at least they balanced it out with a menorah. Of course, all of this is taking place in September, so really it's the Honeyites who should be offended at being marginalized. Marcel is doing a weird squirming thing in his chair as he tells us that Top Chef is a surrogate family. Okay, given how abusive said family is, how sad is that if it's true? Maybe Project Runway needs to foster some of them. Marcel thinks they can all just get along. to arrive is Sandee, and she went so far as to put mittens on to continue with the whole "Let it faux! Let it faux! Let it faux!" charade. Tre saunters in and calmly greets everyone. He and Stephen introduce themselves. Okay, so in this scene, Stephen is carrying around a pool cue, which is fine. The man plays pool. I might mock it, but it's fine. However, he still has his damn suit jacket on. Like, if you've already unbent enough to yank the pool cue out of your ass in order to use it, might you not take off or even UNBUTTON your very tight suit coat? I just have images of seams ripping down the back and Tim Gunn walking in, tsking, "Stephen. This is not good. No. Not good." Tre really wants to win this. I really want Tre to win this. Or CJ. Or the two of them. They could open a restaurant together. Speaking of the one-ball wonder, CJ walks in sardonically calling, "Ho, ho, ho!" CJ, it's really rude to be calling Betty names when you haven't even met her yet. I love that CJ is wearing far less wintry attire than the rest of them. He's just got on a sweatshirt and a very loosely draped scarf. He's so over the charade. Betty, on the other hand, had to do it up with a hat, mittens, scarf, and theatrical "Oh, my god -- it's so cooold!" as she scampered up the walk. CJ, who was probably told by the producers to tell the cameras a bit about himself, says, "I'm from Top Chef 3 and I'm a Libra. My favorite color's blue, I like pizza with friends, I love the ocean." Heh. CJ has also started his own catering company called "Redwood Cuisine." Because he's as tall as one?They all play pool until Betty, wearing a red spaghetti-strap tank top that she really shouldn't be, minces dramatically over to the Christmas stockings and starts handing them out. They're all Top Chef jokes and I have to say, I didn't necessarily get all of them. For one, I seem to be coming down with selective amnesia and for two, Top Chef proves yet again that they don't know anything about food. Cursing and laughing mightily, CJ yanks some broccoli out of his. Why? Because of the whole broccoli fiasco. Oh, but wait! That WASN'T broccoli, it was BROCCOLINI! Yes, they are from the same family and broccolini is a natural hybrid of Chinese kale and broccoli, but they are still two totally different vegetables. How do I know? Because I love one and hate the other. As CJ reads his card from Colicchio out loud, Tiffani pulls on an "I'm not your bitch, BITCH!" t-shirt. We get a flashback to Dave saying those immortal words to her, but I think she got the t-shirt because she tried to steal it, and the limelight, from Dave in that deliciously horrific reunion. Josie gets a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, because that's what the dessert that sent her home looked like. The thing is, though, Bravo screws up the flashback; and we don't even see the pink component of the acid-relieving dessert. Tre pulls out some hand-crunchers things. What the hell? They don't have anything to do with his cooking, do they? Also, they're so, like, the stuff of '80s bullies and corporate meatheads. I mean, Tre wasn't the most interesting cheftestant but the least they could've done is call out his bread pudding and given him a loaf. ["The only explanation I can think of is that he went home on a 'lack of leadership,' and those things are an executive toy. Still: weak sauce, TC. Literally." -- Sars] Sandee is given product-placed KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce, Marcel gets mousse -- sorry, sculpting foam -- and Stephen gets a cheesy Santa tie. It also looks like they all got the Nick Verreos-designed Top Chef aprons. I'm shocked Bravo didn't have their Top Chef knives ready for the Christmas shopping-product placement season.
The cheftestants head into the kitchen to cook dinner, and Marcel snatches Stephen's shtick and sabers a champagne bottle with a knife. I think they're being forced to drink Korbel. On the topic of Marcel, Tre tells us, "I see pure talent, I see pure knowledge, I see an asshole. But all those things put together usually are great components to make a great chef." Josie reminds us that she was the fairly recent victim of a "biased crime." Wow, that's putting it nicely. It was a freaking hate crime! They all toast each other, and interestingly, Tre is teetotalling milk in a wine glass. Or maybe it's eggnog? With tasty rum and nutmeg?I can't decide if Project Runway's Christian reminds me more of a frill lizard or a Bird of Paradise flower, but I do know that if Martha Graham choreographed hair, it would look like that.
The cheftestants file into the Chicago Top Chef kitchens and are greeted by Padma and a Santa Claus. I harbored a fervent wish that it would be Colicchio, but I should have known he wouldn't have such a sense of fun in him. Santa keeps saying, "Ho, ho, ho!" Which, in retrospect, really should be, "'O, 'o, 'o!" Their Quickfire is to make a delicious dish for Santa using a special gift ingredient. They pull knives to determine a number order, and Padma asks who has played "Dirty Santa." Okay, first of all: gross. Second of all, I thought it was called "Yankee Swap." Yes, yes, keep your email pants on -- I've done the research and I SEE that "Dirty Santa" is an alternative name, but it still has rather gross implications. And I also still don't get it. "Bad Santa," "Mean Santa," or even "Selfish and Mentally Abusive Santa" would be much better. "Dirty Santa" sounds, well, dirty. And he's either dirty in the way Dan Aykroyd was when he ate stolen salmon through his beard in Trading Places, or he's dirty in the way that I thought the Santa in "I Caught Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" was. ["And it's a little close to 'Dirty Sanchez' for my taste. (For those of you about to look that up? NSFW. At all.)" -- Sars] Childhood traumas aside, however, this little game was definitely the kind of creative twist I'd love to see in future Top Chef episodes. Betty explains the rules to us, but I'm not going over them. Look them up. All I know is, last time we played, we gave away plush poop and pee key chains and we came home with a Robert Sinskey wine.
Tre goes first and unwraps cheese balls. Ah, those were such a staple at our Christmas table when my grandfather sent us the deluxe Hickory Farms box! Said boxes also came with those awesome strawberry candies, which, in retrospect, is an odd thing to pair with cheese and meats, but totally made sense to me back in the day. CJ selects a present and unwraps a packet of smoked salmon, which Betty promptly steals. CJ goes back to the tree and unwraps a can of black truffles, which Tiffani steals. CJ goes back to the tree and unwraps a nutcracker. "How appropriate!" Tiffani guffaws. CJ also got some walnuts. "You know, the last time someone stole my nuts, he was a urologist and he had a degree and this time I was pretty sure no one was going to do it," CJ tells us. Hee. Meanwhile, I had one of those random wonderings I have when trying hard to avoid work, and I wondered if CJ's urologist uses CJ as a marketing ploy. "Yeah, you know Top Chef's CJ? I derocked him." Although, if CJ's urologist wanted to go with the whole food angle, he could say he "shucked his Rocky Mountain oysters." Marcel steals Tiffani's black truffles, and Tiffani unwraps sweet potatoes. Sandee unwraps a full hank of prosciutto ham. Stephen steals Tiffani's sweet potatoes because, as he explains to us, he wants to do something "experimental." Tiffani unwraps caviar, and Josie steals the truffles from Marcel. Marcel unwraps toro (fatty tuna belly) and is psyched about "this incredible, like, fish product." Do you think he knows what it is? Finally, Santa reveals himself to be a Père Noël in the form of Eric Ripert. Okay, I love him, but is he EVER at Le Bernardin? Maybe not, actually.
The thirty-minute timer starts the Food Flurry. The only interesting things to note are that Betty is doing something unmentionable with smoked salmon and raisins, and Josie can't find a can opener for her truffles. She uses the corner of her knife to (not really) open the can, and starts draining the juice inside. Time ticks down and food is plated. Finally, we see that Josie did get the can open, but she forgot to put her sauce on the plate. And this is why she was kicked off in the fifth round of her season.
Padma and Ripert start with Sandee's prosciutto-based dish. She has a trio: cherries that she rehydrated with chile and port wine, a seared center cut of the prosciutto with juniper berries, and an apricot-mustard sauce/chutney. Are they all supposed to be eaten together? And if it's separate, how do you eat a sauce as a component of a trio? Plus, it looks oddly messy -- there are white tendrils that almost look like rice noodles. CJ did a take on the Chinese prawns with walnuts dish by roasting the walnuts and then combining them with sautéed apples and shrimp. Relegating his cheese ball to a mere side dish, Tre presents his sage-encrusted chicken breast (can it really be "encrusted" if it's a fresh herb? I always think of encrustations as also using breadcrumbs or nuts or something to make a, you know, crust) with asparagus (done in some way that Bravo doesn't want us to be privy to) and a cheesy rice pilaf. It's a safe dish. Okay, it's boring. It's a BORING dish, Tre! Step it up, dude! Moving on to Betty's gaggy dish, Betty explains -- speaking in the third person to make up for all the missing Brians -- that "[we]" did some sautéed leeks with Granny Smith apples, golden raisins, and then put the smoked salmon somewhere on this and topped that with arugula and an orange-mustard vinaigrette. Wow, way to completely shout down the salmon's flavor. We get to Josie, who rabbit-tooths at the judges and explains that she couldn't find the can opener (except we saw that she got the can open anyway!) and at this point, Padma's acting coach told her to act "outraged," so Padma is all, "WHAT?! You didn't use the TRUFFLES?!" Josie hems and haws that she was able to use them, but only at the end. Okay, so then what's the problem? Josie seared a scallop and served it with an egg -- I think it was fried and then she cut a round out of it, keeping the yolk and some of the white -- pine nuts and shaved truffles. So, the truffles are there? I guess it wasn't the exact way she wanted to use them? Josie tells us she hopes Ripert can overlook the "lack of truffles." But there isn't a lack! Because they're there! Shaved?
Marcel presents his toro tartare, the cubes of which are topped with a sunny-side-up egg, and that's all sitting on a round of toast covered with a slice of prosciutto. On the side is a baby-poop smear of chive puree. Going right back to his favorite coffee cup presentation, Stephen explains that he made a "yam soup." Okay, dude? Yams and sweet potatoes? Not the same thing, so which is it, buddy? Anyway, his "yam" soup is composed of mocha and lavender, which is making me throw up in my throat a little, and a "sage chip" (read: fried sage). On the side of this is a "salad" of "olivo crustini" (read: piece of bread fried in olive oil, and it's "crostini," you nimwit -- "crustini" sounds like something you dig out of your eye in the morning) with "a salata" (salad, freak) of dried cherries, yams, and thyme. Finally, we end with Tiffani, who tells us she ended up with Osetra caviar, which, she tells us, "I couldn't have asked for more or better." She did a duo of scallops: the first is a seared scallop with olive oil, lemon zest, and caviar; the second is a play on blini and caviar. It's not explained, but having made them, I'm thinking she pureed the scallop and made a blini batter, which she then fried and topped with caviar. And there's vodka somewhere because Tiffani says, "Vodka, vodka -- caviar and vodka!" as Padma and Ripert down a shot. "That's...serious," Ripert comments. Hee. On the side, Stephen is looking somewhat annoyed and constipated, but I'm not worried because I think that's his usual expression.
Ripert delivers his verdict. His least favorite was Stephen's soup; the lavender was so strong, it tasted like "a soap bar." Stephen admits to us that he's bummed. Ripert goes on that Tre's rice was undercooked, and adds, "So that made your deesh a leetle beet uf a shallange for me." He's so nice with his criticisms: "A little bit of a challenge," indeed. Ripert also didn't like Josie's, because the fact that she didn't have the truffle "doesn't make [her] a winner tonight." But they were there! Shaved! I'm so very confused. Ripert's favorites are Marcel's, CJ's, and Betty's. He does admit that Betty's dish might have been a bit too sweet, though. Ripert decides that his favorite is "the shrimps that CJ made." YAY!
Padma explains the rules of the challenge. They each have to make three courses for nine judges, and all the dishes in their respective courses will be going head-to-head. After each course, the judges will boot two cheftestants, leaving two cheftestants at the end of the meal. Because he won the Quickfire, CJ gets a free pass for one of the courses, but it can't apply to the final course. They have $350 to spend at Whole Foods, which means they can probably buy a bag of chips and some olive oil. And now we have the shopping segment, and I guess because not all the cheftesants will get to make their dishes, I have to list them. Ugh.
Stephen: Celery Root Gnocchi, Veal Osso Buco, and Poached Pear with Pistachio Tuile. Osso Buco? A braise, when you have three hours to cook? Good luck. Tre confides in us that he was going to use celery root, but Stephen bought it all. However, he's not bummed because when he looked at Stephen's celery root, it was all green, so he wouldn't have bought it anyway.
Betty: Cherry Duck Beignets with a Port Reduction Sauce, Rack of Lamb, and Almond Baklava with White Chocolate Mascarpone and Raspberries.
CJ: Beef Carpaccio, Goose Breast with Oyster Stuffing (aw, he's all Dickensian!), and Cardamom Panna Cotta.
Tiffani: Bacon-Wrapped Apple, Duck Breast Spaetzle, and Butterscotch Pudding. What, no stolen vanilla panna cotta with amaretto?
Josie: Duck Duo, Turkey and Gravy, and Oysters Rockefeller. Yeah, she's not going far.
Tre: Seared Scallops, Veal Loin Mac & Cheese, and Lamb Chops. That's a heavy menu with no sweet finish, dude. Tre notes that he knows what happened when he tried pastries in Season 3, so he's not going that route again. Why don't these people come to these things prepared with a solid dessert?
Sandee: Mushroom Soup, Fried Turkey Breast, and Chocolate Pecan Pie. Sandee notes she's made pie crust only once before. Then why...?
Marcel: Roasted Monkfish, Dumplings, and Lamb Chops.
It's so hysterical when they check out, because there's a big pink Breast Cancer Awareness bag at the check-out, which made me think this was filmed in October (Breast Cancer Awareness Month), and then CJ calls, "Thanks guys, jingle bells, thank you" to the checkers.
They all rush to the Washburn Culinary Institute and start running and cooking and interviewing. Stephen says something about all the cheftestants there being in the top tier of all three seasons, which, no. Sandee? Josie? Not top tier. Even Stephen is there only because Dave's not and Lee Anne can't. Hell, Mikey and his Cheetos penis lasted longer than Betty. Soon enough, Betty starts to unravel because she can't find her yeast. Did she check between her legs? "Keckler's mind is as dirty as Betty's crotch!" McCheese screams from the couch. ["[Hoarrrf.]" -- Sars] Tre opines, "In my mind, once you have a flaw or a weakness, you don't spread it around the kitchen." No comment. I've already grossed myself out enough. (Not to mention my guests.) Betty starts talking to herself about using her phyllo instead and doing a duck baklava. I hate the way she thinks out loud here, because it's just a ploy to get the cameras on her.
Colicchio's blue chef's coat finally strides into the kitchen for a Holiday Sniff and Sneer (It caaaame up-o-on a sniff and sneer, that glo-o-rious ti-ime of food! With ju-dges b-e-ending near their plates to hone their snar-arks of rude!) Colicchio does the usual: he checks in with the cheftestants, he expresses skepticism, and he leaves. He learns three things of note: that Stephen's staying away from wine pairings, that Marcel is steering clear of molecular gastronomy, and that Tre is trying to be "a lot leaner" by staying away from carbs (is that why he was drinking milk earlier?).
The cheftestants serve their first course, and Padma introduces the judges: Colicchio, Gail, Ted, Principal Portale, Ripert, Alan Wong (so cute!), Elizabeth Falkner, and Norm Van Aken. , the cheftestants describe their first courses. Marcel explains he's serving them a roasted monkfish with prosciutto peperonata (it's a cooked condiment of pepper, onion, tomato, and garlic, which Bravo thinks is spelled "peppernata." Again, get a friggin' copy of Food Lover's Companion, freakshows!), parsley root (tastes like a celery and carrot hybrid), and a parsley puree. Tiffani points out her bacon-roasted apples with Brussels sprouts, grapes, and a chicken-cider jus. Okay, that's just the nth power of yum. Josie's duo of duck is a crispy duck leg with sour cherry and fig chutney, and the breast. Stephen explains that his crispy celery root gnocchi is served with a truffle-asparagus jus with Parmigiano-Reggiano. CJ's clever take on a traditional prime rib is a beef carpaccio salad with roasted and marinated beets, endive, radicchio, and horseradish cream. Tre's seared diver scallops are accompanied by wilted chard, butternut squash puree, and pomegranate brown butter. WANT! Sandee made a wild mushroom soup, and in each Chinese soupspoon, there's a bacon-hazelnut puree, a mushroom puree, and egg. The egg looks hard-cooked and chopped, but the bacon-hazelnut puree doesn't look as moist as a puree, and instead just looks crumbled or chopped. So, do the diners only get that minute amount of the accompaniments in one bite, or are they supposed to sprinkle it in the soup themselves and stir it around? It seems fussier than it needs to be. Betty's cherry-duck baklava looks like a chocolate-drizzled dessert. Not a good start. The baklava is served over chanterelles sautéed in duck fat and drizzled with a port-onion reduction. Oh, my god -- thank god we're getting rid of two of these people soon! I can't handle the mass listing of dishes.
The judges nosh, while the cheftestants surge back to the kitchen to get started on their second courses. Colicchio, sitting at the head of the table, is totally Scrooge-faced while all the other judges toast with smiles and wish each other fake holiday greetings. Van Aken thinks Sandee's soup is "wha-tery!" He's all Martha Stewart with his aspirating. They all like the monkfish, but Portale makes fun of Betty's duck baklava by observing, "I think the thought is, if you wrap it in phyllo, it's baklava." Totally. Portale also takes exception to Stephen's gnocchi, saying it's poorly executed and way too heavy to be an appetizer. No one likes the gnocchi, and Ted Allen makes a big show of dropping a single gnocchi on a plate. It falls like a stone and makes a bang substantial enough to convince me that the Foley guys earned their paychecks.The cheftestants cook feverishly while the judges move on to other dishes. Van Aken totally misses the point of CJ's take on a classic presentation of holiday prime rib by opining that CJ just added the beef because he felt he needed to add an extra ingredient. They like Tre's scallops, but Gail doesn't "understand" Tiffani's bacon-wrapped apples with Brussels sprouts and grapes. She says, "It doesn't feel like a substantial dish -- it sort of looks like a garnish." Wow, talk about being caught between a rock and a bitch! I'm no fan of Tiffani's, but I do not see how Gail can say her dish is "like a garnish." Plus, I hate it when people say they "don't understand" food. Food is food! Tiffani explained what it is, it's there, it's bacon, apples, B. sprouts, grapes, and chicken dribblings -- what's not to understand? Frankly, it sounds like deconstructed stuffing, and I'd gullet it. Most of the other judges seem to disagree with Gail, including (surprise, surprise!) Colicchio, whose only complaint is that Tiffani should have cooked it more. Colicchio's favorite dish is Josie's duck, so she's making it to the second round.
...Which isn't going to be a good thing, because we learn that while she was serving Colicchio's favorite dish of the first courses, she totally dried out her second-course turkey. Josie's hopes that someone else overcooked their second course are answered when Betty whisper-screeches to us that she overcooked her lamb. For me, overcooking lamb is the worst thing you can do to any meat. It's my meat of choice. My meat d'etre. The biggest, juiciest reason why I will never be a vegetarian.
Padma sums up for us that the bottoms are CJ, Betty, Stephen, and Sandee. CJ has immunity, so...commercial break!
CJ leads the second courses out, and Colicchio tells them all that it was a unanimous decision to rid themselves of Sandee and Stephen. Colicchio tells Stephen that his asparagus were "not so seasonal." Okay, then why did they have asparagus in the Top Chef pantry for Tre to make in the Quickfire? Also, Stephen is told that his gnocchi were heavy. Stephen's FISHHOOK is present and accounted for as he takes all this in. Sandee's soup was weak and watery. Sandee and Stephen take their second courses back to the kitchens and (hopefully) drink a lot. Stephen realizes he's not Superman, but a restaurateur.
Marcel serves his chicken liver and truffle turkey dumpling with a savory bread pudding, Tuscan-style torta, and spinach. Tiffani roasted duck breast and placed it on a bed of sage-rosemary spaetzle and finished it all off with a mulled wine and burnt orange jus. Betty, whose face time is quickly running out, is serving her overcooked pistachio-crusted rack of lamb which -- to confuse things --- is also wrapped in prosciutto and served over Le Puy green lentils and roasted sugar plum tomatoes. Even if this weren't Betty and was, perhaps, one of my favorites -- CJ, for example -- I would still be shrieking over profaning my sacred lamb with the salty and wholly unnecessary lashings of prosciutto. I love how the camera starts out panning over the parts of the lamb where you can't see how overcooked it is, and then for the ta-da shot, the middle of the chops -- where they should be at their pinkest -- are obscured by the tomatoes. Josie also went for wrapping her overcooked meat with pork, but she used bacon and also made a pumpkin gravy and herb-sautéed mushrooms. Tre wrapped his veal loin with "apple-smoked bacon" (I think he means "applewood-smoked bacon"?) and complemented it with sautéed French beans, macaroni and cheese, and a port reduction. CJ's fall-spiced goose breast is served with a quince and oyster stuffing, a mushroom gravy, and a pomegranate-jalapeño sauce. He also crackled the goose skin.
Back in the kitchen, Josie's bellowing about ending the meal with something decadent -- Oysters Rockefeller. See, watching her glee and anticipation is like watching the happy rich on Titanic, or a young and frolicking Puppy Yeller: you know they're going to die.
The judges chew over the presentations. Van Aken thinks Josie's bacon-wrapped turkey "could have been wrapped a few more times," and Colicchio says that Marcel's dish "is just so bad -- the cake and the liver?" "The grey dumpling?" Ted Allen adds. Have you ever cracked open a dumpling or a pot sticker? The meat is fairly grey-ish. That's why it's wrapped. Someone at the table says, "No, it's not bad!" but that mike is turned down much farther than Colicchio's, who adds, "The texture is SO bad!" Ted, munching on Colicchio's coat tails, says, "That liver dumpling thing -- that was not Marcel's molecular gastronomy." CJ's goose and Tre's veal are well-received. However, Falkner maintains the Bay Area's reputation for excessive food snobbery by noting that Tre's macaroni and cheese "is not [her] kind of family holiday, but I can see how that would be a family dish -- absolutely." Translation: "I don't like it, but it clearly pleases the unwashed masses." Gail's expression in reaction to Falkner is a beautiful thing to behold. Its very blandness is the epitome of extreme bitchiness and "oh, I beg to differ!" At this moment, I love her. Tiffani's dish is also loved, and Betty's overcooked lamb is excoriated.
CJ dances on one leg (and one ball) and counts down the time until the course is served. Betty -- being a drama-lama-ding-dong -- is agog, simply agog about how she sacrificed her third-course phyllo for her first-course yeast infection. Now what? She's making a stupidly large almond cookie instead. Tre and Marcel are going head-to-head with a lamb chop course. The third course comes out, and Betty and Josie are binned. The duet of Very Large and Loud Teeth wishes the judges happy holidays through forced smiles, and leaves.
The final four dish out. Marcel is serving lamb loin chops with butternut squash puree, maple syrup-pomegranate gastrique, and parsnip chips. Tre's lamb chops, on the other hand, are classically crusted with horseradish and mustard ("classically"? Really? Mustard I can see, but not so much with the horseradish. Too strong) and accompanied with a parsnip puree, Brussels sprouts "leaves," something with chanterelles, and balsamic jus. Tiffani brags about her "really light butterscotch pudding" with cider, "really light caramel," and whipped cream with orange, clove, and nutmeg. CJ blunders through his cardamom panna cotta perched on roasted Delicata squash (he calls it "Delicatati") with poached fig, gingersnap crumbles, and red wine and balsamic reduction AND star-anise and thyme honey.
The judges eat. They love Tre's lamb way more than Marcel's. Colicchio -- sitting at the head of the table -- says that Marcel's lamb has "absolutely no flavor at all" and isn't it seared well. Ted Allen -- clearly taking over Padma's parrot job tonight -- agrees about the poor sear and says it's just all grey. This is all because, earlier, Marcel was priding himself on searing only one side of his chops and keeping the other side nearly raw. They love Tiffani's butterscotch pudding -- to distraction, in fact, in Falkner's case. Colicchio decides it's the best thing he's had all night. Of course it is. CJ's panna cotta looked sloppy, but both Gail and Ripert liked the flavor combo.
The cheftestants are brought back out, and CJ and Marcel are booted. CJ agrees to us that his dish wasn't as refined as it could have been, and Marcel, bobbing his head around, decides that throwing French phrases around makes him refined, so his opinion about losing is, "C'est la vie." Tre brags to us that a lot of people are going to jump out of their seats and cheer when he wins.
And now it's about time for the twist: they have to cook one more course. Like, duh. Anyone who didn't see this coming is either really dumb or Tiffani. Tiffani throws her head back in mock agony and tell us she's really mad at herself for not seeing it coming. Padma sends them back to the kitchen with thirty minutes to cook. They can use "anything [they] want" (I assume that means "in the pantry"? Because ain't no one going back to Whole Foods tonight) and all the leftovers -- including the made dishes -- from all the other cheftestants. That's so bizarre, but also kind of cool. It's sort of like how I cook when I don't feel like going to the grocery store. I've made some wild and fairly okay stuff when I'm on a fridge "now or never" binge.
Okay, the timer counting down in such a threatening way to Top Chef Chicago is really not making me happy. I feel like it's telling me, "Don't close your eyes because we're coming to gitcha!"
In the kitchens, Tiffani barks, "Sandee, Josie, and Stephen -- I need your help!" She explains the situation to them while Tre just gets started. Mainly silently, completely without barking orders peremptorily. CJ tell us how Tiffani sounded, "She had some, like, crazy scream, 'mah, meh, yah, yah, yah!'" His impression is uncanny. Tre goes to grab a jug of cider, but Tiffani orders him away from it, informing him, "No, no, no -- that's mine! That's mine! That's mine! All of this is mine. Sorry." Does anyone remember that scene in The Rescuers when Madame Medusa is fighting with Mr. Snoops over the Devil's Eye and she's all, "It's miiiiiine, it's all miiiiiiine!"? That's Tiffani. Of course, not to be out-screeched or out-irritatinged, you can hear Betty screaming in the background about...something. She really doesn't need to be doing that since it's no longer her game, but I'm sure she's just making sure that this scene can also go on her "greatest hits." "See, Mr. Producer? That voice in the background? Yeah, that's me! Listen to my range, my projection!" Ugh. And I know exactly how she would look saying it -- all teeth and huge eyes and nodding head. Of course, the Evil Dr. Mathra is less convinced that Betty is a fame whore and more convinced that she has her own form of Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
As Tiffani demands to know what proteins Stephen has, Tre attempts to get Stephen to work for him. Sadly, Stephen has to admit, "I have to help Tiff." Yeah, that's because she barreled in there yelling about who had to help her. Man, the expression on Stephen's face when he grabs a bottle of wine and a platter of something -- his osso buco, I guess -- is priceless. He's just so resigned and annoyed to be back to helping Tiffani in a final. Tiffani tells us she grabbed Josie, Sandee, and Stephen because "they are the people that know and like me best." Really? Do Josie and Sandee know you at all? Also, since when does Stephen like Tiffani? Because judging by the expression I mentioned above, he's cursing the fact that Tre wasn't more bloodthirsty when they ran back into the kitchens.
Tre realizes that he absolutely has to do a dessert now, and nods at Betty's proffered white chocolate mascarpone and asks her to do a crumble. Tiffani announces that she doesn't want to use any ingredients she's already used. Then why did you hold onto the cider for dear life, Tiffani? Tiffani regales us with the tales of how her high-end "leftover sandwich" came to be. Something about crappy leftovers, but then she thought to use Stephen's braised veal and blah, blah, blah. Whatever, Colicchio loves her so there's no way she's not winning tonight. In fact, I'm convinced this was just all a big ploy so Colicchio could get a "do-over" for Tiffani and have her win.
Tre cooks, Betty is loud, and Josie parrots Emeril with an "Oh, yeah, baby." The food is plated, and CJ says, "Go get your twenty grand, Tre." Tre tells us this is not about the money for him; it's about "pride and redemption." We then get Tiffani saying, "Yeah, it's be nice to walk out with twenty grand, for sure!" Tre and Tiffani arrive to Padma laughing, "Yum! Yum! Yum!" Do you think Gail ever wants to stab her with a fork when she gets all cutesy like that? Colicchio makes some comment about expecting open-faced turkey sandwiches. "I came this close, seriously," Tiffani tells them. See how they just think EXACTLY alike?
Tiffani then presents her dish by babbling about holiday leftovers, and says they baked off puff pastry and topped it with Stephen's veal. They then added truffle butter and a pancetta-cider-orange juice sauce. Tre says that he was "forced into" doing dessert and calls his offering "a chef's dessert," crêpes stuffed with raspberries and walnuts with a blackberry-balsamic reduction and white chocolate mascarpone. Colicchio and Tiffani are totally exchanging a laugh when Padma excuses the final cheftestants until Judges' Table.
In the back, Tiffani stares ahead and says, "I need a drink for real. I'm not playing." But she doesn't make a move to get anything. Is she expecting to be waited on? Stephen asks Tre how he did. Tre smiles that he could have used Stephen's help. Stephen is clearly bummed and says he got grabbed as soon as they came back in.
The judges eat and enjoy both dishes. Ripert and Falkner express a preference for Tiffani's dish, even though they both would have preferred that the pastry was cooked longer. Gail and Alan Wong like Tre's dish; Portale likes Tiffani's better. Padma thanks the guest judges and says she has to take the four actual judges off to Judges' Table. However, first we have to have more holiday pretense, as all the judges wish each other happy holidays and clink glasses to holiday-ish music.
Judges' Table. It's clear that while Colicchio respects Tre's attempt at a dessert, he's more for Tiffani, so I really don't feel that I need to record any of the other judges' opinions. All the cheftestants are brought to Judges' Table, and Colicchio thanks them all for coming and sharing their "holiday" spirit with them. He gives both Tre and Tiffani props, and Padma then congratulates Tiffani on winning the twenty grand! Tiffani's reaction? "Oh, FINALLY!" Seriously. Like, she's been waiting all this time to get the win that is owed to her? I hate her. Oh, but Tre's not going away empty-handed, oh no. He gets books from the guest judges! More books! Tre tells us he got what he wanted -- redemption in front of the Top Chef audience. The judges go to hug the cheftestants, and while Padma hugs Tiffani first, we get a close-up of the Colicchio-Tiffani cheek-kiss and embrace.
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