By Keckler
Keckler's tussling with Ramsay at the moment but she'll be back on duty for the full-length recap.
We open with the arrival of the remaining four cheftestants in Aspen, and then we waste some time with the reunion and the catching up and the travelogue and the mimosas in a hot-air balloon before getting to the Quickfire: the cheftestants must cook trout on a camp stove beside a picturesque creek, in 20 minutes, using a pared-down list of pantry ingredients. Eric Ripert of Le Bernardin is presiding. Everyone's rusty from the time off, and there's a fair amount of flailing -- Malarkey dumps his fish into the grass; Hung finishes early, but forgets lemon juice -- but Casey pulls it out.
The cheftestants all got to bring $200 worth of their own ingredients from home, but because she won the QF, Casey gets to use hers; the others have to make it work with the provided ingredients. Not that anything Casey packed in is relevant, really, because she brought mostly "pan-Asian" tools, and everyone has to cook…elk. (Malarkey: "Definitely not seafood." Thanks for the tip, G.) The Challenge is to cater a rodeo event, serving 45 portions each, with three hours to prep and cook.
During prep, four things of note happen: 1) Hung is dismissive of the EC; 2) Dale biffs his onion/goat cheese tart and has to jury-rig a Plan B; 3) Colicchio informs them that not two, but three cheftestants will go to the finale week; and 4) I feel a sudden, inexplicable, powerful urge to run out and buy some Gladware. No clue what that's about.
At serving time, we don't hear that many comments from the cowboys and cowgirls; what we do hear indicates that they like all the dishes, meaning nobody screwed up really horrendously. The judges mostly like everything as well -- even Gail, whose customary "my dish had a liiiiiiittle too much rosemary in it, so I will now accuse it of killing my mom" style of critique is conspicuously absent this week. Judges' Table is quite positive, and they recap the performances (Dale had good sauce, Casey's elk was too rare, Hung's dish was technically flawless but kind of soulless as well, Malarkey used every ingredient in Colorado and listed them all). Then it's time for the "defend your existence" portion of the finale, and then Dale snags his first win. He'll get to hang with Ripert as his reward.
Going home? Malarks, who doesn't seem super-bummed about it -- and I'm not either. I like the dude(s) well enough but this was, in my opinion, overdue.
Padma quickly reminds us about everyone who has been sent home over the past twelve episodes, and we get a never-ever seen clip of CJ yelling at someone while they all waited in the back for Judges' Table.
All I remember about my trips to visit my grandparents in Aspen was getting carsick on the way home from the airport, and this awesome crepe wagon somewhere in town. You could smell the frying crepes from several blocks away.
Dale, Casey, and Brian in an argyle sweater arrive in Aspen-Snowmass. Frankly, I think it would be more fitting for them to be staying closer to Buttermilk Mountain. They stow their suitcases and hug each other ecstatically. Okay, not only do we have the Brians outfitted themselves in argyle, but they are also carrying a hatbox. I know I'm probably being haberdashery-ily naïve, but I didn't even know they made hatboxes any more. This one looks sort of like an octagonal suitcase, although I would have died to see Brian carrying a pink-and-white-striped number by its green velvet ribbon. Brian reaches out to hug Casey and then beckons to Dale, saying, "Group hug." Heh, according to his wife's MySpace page, the two of them are into all sorts of "group hugs." Both Brian and Dale have shaved off what little facial hair they had and gotten haircuts. Brian looks better without the facial hair, but Dale just looks more Chicken Little-y than ever. I also prefer Brian's hair longer. It looks like Casey has gotten new high- and low-lights stripped in. She's not as blond and it suits her much better. They wait for Hung. And wait. Of course Hung is shown to be the last to arrive, which, given that he has no control over flights, I was going to assume wasn't his fault or that it wasn't due to his chronic selfishness. BUT THEN the Magical Elves changed my mind when they played The Plinky-Plunky Music Of Chronic Dawdlers And The Criminally Unmannerly, while Hung gets his baggage and reminds us that he's there for himself alone, adding, "Compared to the other three contestants, my skills and techniques are much more advanced." Thank you, Magical Elves -- I now see that it's totally Hung's fault that the others were all waiting on him! Oh, AND? Hung DOESN'T HUG THE OTHERS! I mean, I shouldn't even worry about the fact that there's a cut between Hung pulling his suitcase out to the car where Dale, Brian, and Casey are waiting and him stepping back from Casey, rolling up his sleeves and saying, "Let's finish this thing," right? Because Hung is Chef Evil, who has no soul and no soft hugginess inside his cold, brittle granita of a heart.
As the four cheftestants drive and "oooh" over the green Aspenol scenery, we learn that the Brians raised sheep as a kid. It's an admission that makes me inexplicably happy and also explains why MALARKEY! pleads, "KEEP THEM SCREAMING ALWAYS HAVE THEM SCREAMING!" while O'Brian is saying his morning matins. Brian also announces that he brought his cowboy hat to Aspen. Yeah, he did! The cheftestants pull up a "Top Chef"-emblazoned hot air balloon, and Casey, just like Elia and the Hawaiian helicopter, squeals that she doesn't want to go up in it. But she does. Hm, so either they all flew in super-early in the morning, or they've had a chance to sleep, it's the morning, and they've been forced to wear the same clothes. Why do I know this? Because I remember from 3-2-1 Contact that you can only go hot air ballooning in the early morning when the air is cool. In the balloon and gently drifting over a small area, the cheftestants get glasses of Cook's sparkling wine -- the Cook's label isn't as loudly trumpeted as it was last year, but you can still see it -- and toast each other with mimosas. Brian says, "All right, no matter what happens, you guys, we're top four we've all had a great run, with great success in this one love you all [Brian changeover to MALARKEY!] BUT THERE'S STILL SOME MONEY ON THE LINE -- MWA HA HA HA HA!" Now it's time to check in with two of the cheftestants to rehash their raison d'êtres for wanting to win. Dale muses to us over the serene location and how over the past year he's had "cooking writer's block," had a restaurant close, and got dumped. "So I decided to enter this competition to see if I still could be a chef and now I know that my chef is back," he concludes. "My chef"? Is that his name for Little Dale? Hung reminds us about his Vietnamese background and tells us how his father came to America, started a restaurant, and was able to sponsor over the rest of Hung's family.
The balloon touches down and the cheftestants walk over to their crick-side Quickfire, where some random fly fisherman is doing his best impression of A River Runs Through It. However, since I'm still awake, it isn't a very good impression. Padma and an outdoorsy Eric Ripert are standing in a small clearing. We see a bunch of stumps and coolers. Padma welcomes them -- a bit coldly for her, but maybe she misunderstood "Rocky Mountain High" and didn't bring her usual stash -- and introduces Chef Eric Ripert of Le Bernardin. Dale reminds us that Ripert is "one of the premiere seafood chefs in the country," and that the four-starred Le Bernardin is one of the best restaurants in the country. Hung adds, "You don't mess with Eric Ripert." Well, unless he tells you he doesn't like your food; then you might say he has an "average" palate.
I have a horrible story to tell about Le Bernardin. My non-foodie, meat-and-potatoes, Minnesotan father was on a rare business trip to New York, and one of the lawyers suggested they go to this great restaurant he had heard about. They checked it out but unfortunately, one of the other lawyers didn't like the look of the primarily fish menu, so they scrapped it and went to another restaurant nearby. My dad was telling me this story and he was like, "I think you might know the restaurant -- it's something like Bernard's?" "LE BERNARDIN?!" I shrieked. "Yeah, that was it," Dad says, blissfully unaware. I then barraged him with Michelin stars and Ripert and oh-my-gods and you-could-have-ordered-something-other-than-fish and so on and so forth. I asked where they went instead. "Ted's Montana Grill," he told me. "Ted" as in "Ted Turner." Which is a chain. Not that I really have a big problem with chains, but when it's a chain vs. Le FUCKING Bernardin?! Dad laughed at my spluttering outrage and said he couldn't wait to tell the other lawyers what they missed out on.
As Padma explains they are in the Frying Pan River Valley, Aspen's trout-fishing mecca, Ripert lifts a string of freshly dead trout out of a bucket. Brian squints anxiously at the fish. But he's Mr. Seafood Sausage -- this should be like water off a duck's back for him! Sadly, the Quickfire will not have them catching their own fish as I dearly hoped, but just preparing it using short stumps for counters, with a frying pan (what a coincidence -- they're in the Frying Pan River Valley and they'll be USING frying pans!), a camping stove, and various pantry items. This is very much like the Beach Breakfast challenge, but the sad difference is we don't have Padma in a bikini; nor do we have Mikey calling mournfully for "aiggs." They have twenty minutes. The cheftestants leap into action. They wash fish pieces with bottled water -- why not use the river? -- and try to light their stoves as they hunch over the stumps and scale their fish. Brian, Dale, and Casey are all having problems with slanted ground, losing fish, and general rushing issues, while Hung announces, "I'm very good with seafood and I can make it happen." Brian admits he's cooking his fish because he has to cook it, "but I'm having no clarity on where I'm going with this." Ask one of the other personalities -- maybe Bryan knows. I guess not, because Brian spazzedly loses several filets of fish to the ground and Casey notes that Brian was not doing well in this QF, which she found strange because he's "the fish chef." "This just sucks," Brian mutters angrily to himself. With seven minutes left, Hung plates his dish and announces to everyone that he's done and has a lot of time. The other cheftestants boggle over this. Casey notes that Hung's dish is going to sit out for a while, getting cold, so being done early is not necessarily a good thing. Hung tells the cameraman, "I think this dish is awesome!"
Time finally ticks all the way down for everyone else and Padma calls time. "Good job, guys!" Hung bleats, and gives his spaz laugh. "That was horrible," Brian mutters. Oh, but there's a snag! Hung realizes that he forgot to add lemon juice. He had seven minutes to remember it, but his ego was clearly stuffing the cavity of his common sense. It's FISH, Hung, how do you forget lemon juice? Well, you know what they say, "pride goes before the lemon juice." Starting with Brian, Padma asks how he felt about the challenge. Brian blathers, "Thenatureinthebackground thestreamrunning thatwasallreallynicebut thechallengeitselfwasprettydifficult." He sautéed the trout in rendered bacon fat and then somehow used the trout roe with red pepper and some brown butter as well. Ripert points at something on Brian's cutting board and asks why he didn't use the ones he started. Brian uncomfortably admits that they weren't going to be cooked all the way through, so he had to abandon that idea. Dale puts the situation in a nutshell for us: "You're like, 'This is what I'm going to show one of my idols and it's cooked on a stump and I just threw fish guts behind a bush. Great.'" Moving on to Casey, Padma and Eric sample her butter-crisped trout with summer corn and grapes. Hung dusted his trout filet with curry, and adds, "And on the bottom, I have sautéed mushrooms and little bit of lemon juice." Dale boggles accusingly at Hung. Padma leans in inquisitively. Hung amends, "No, no lemon juice." Ripert clarifies that there is no lemon juice in the dish. Hung admits he forgot it. Finally, we get to Dale, who dusted his filet with flour and cayenne before sautéing it. He also sautéed some apples and fennel in bacon and deglazed with bourbon. Padma chews dramatically, and Ripert confirms the use of cayenne.
The cheftestants are lined up, and after Padma asks, Ripert explains that his least favorites were Brian for having an unseasoned and bland salad, and Dale for too much cayenne. As Ripert so eloquently puts it, "Zee cayenne wuz keeking at the end and we had eet een the throats." His voice is so lovely. Brian defensively tells us, "I didn't feel that I had failed in my seafood nature because when chefs consider, they don't consider trout seafood at all." I'm sorry, but that's so lame. Fine, it's not seafood because it didn't live in the saltwater sea, but it's still fish, and where it lived has nothing to do with you flubbing the dish. Also, does that mean chefs don't consider salmon seafood because they spend part of their lives in a river? This leaves Hung's acid-less fish and Casey as Ripert's favorites. Ripert reminds Hung that if he had included the lemon juice, it would have elevated the fish. He turns to Casey and tells her everything was really well-seasoned, that the corn and grapes go well together, and adds, "Also I think your dish has a sole." Wait, I thought it was trout? Okay, fine -- I'll stop the fish humor. Casey's dish had "soul." Because that's what she's full of -- heart and soul. And now I feel this odd urge to play piano. As the camera flashes to Hung's Furrowed Brow Of What Is A Heart And/Or Soul?, Ripert goes on that it's really important for food to have an obvious soul behind it. Casey's the QF winner, and she's choked up over it. Hung tells us that he tasted Casey's dish and thinks he's more refined. Padma sends the winners and losers to relax at "Aspen's gorgeous" Hotel Jerome.
The cheftestants get comfortable in their rooms, and Hung once again tells us a bit more of his family history. This time, we learn that his father "escaped" from Vietnam when Hung was a baby, so he never even met his dad until he was nine. That said, Hung's palate was trained by his mother, and he just wants to see the smile on her face when he wins.
The day, Brian tells us about his revelation: "The Quickfire got me back in the mindset that this isn't fun and games and hot air balloons and hanging out in Aspen." The hot-air-balloon realization was very disappointing for MALARKEY! who had an idea that he could do a "Cooking Around The World In 80 Days" type of thing with Hung as his Passepartout. We're reminded that the cheftestants are given a $200 budget to bring special ingredients of their choice. Dale used his money to bring spices, Casey brought Pan-Asian ingredients, like chile threads, Hung brought "a lot of Asian ingredients," because "this time around, [he's] going to cook [his] style of food," and we don't learn what Brian brought. Maybe just hats. Like Bartholomew Cubbins.
The cheftestants are greeted at Moon Run Ranch by a booted and spurred Padma. The Elimination Challenge is for the cheftestants to cook for the Snowmass Rodeo Riders annual get-together. Hung dickishly slags the rodeo riders: "What the hell to cowboys and cowgirls eat? Baked beans and baked beans and baked beans?" Yeah, because cowboys and cowgirls don't rustle anything across the country other than big snorting cans of Bush's. His constant dismissiveness of his audience is really ridiculous, but he never gets called on it, because he has it nailed: what the masses think don't matter, it's all up to the judges. Still, doesn't mean Hung isn't a little punk. Dale tells us about his experience with the cowboy culture: "I've slept with a few but that's about it." And why has he slept with a few? Because Dale's a Big Gay Chef. Brian tells us, "I did grow up as a cowboy -- I grew up on a big ranch, but I immediately start thinking, like, 'What defines what a cowboy eats?' So, there's still a lot of questions we have." MALARKEY!'s number one question is: "HOW DO I GET ACCESS TO THE RODEO CLOWNS? I LOVE RODEO CLOWNS."
The cheftestants will have three hours to prep and cook before they have to pack up the food and drag it over to the ranch for dinner. As the QF winner, Casey is the only one who gets to use her special ingredients. Padma tells them she'll see them back at the ranch, and Brian gets off a rather weak "yee-haw" as they walk away. Executive Chef Scott Rutter welcomes them to Aspen Meadows Resort, where they'll be doing their cooking, and reveals they'll be following the annual tradition of the rodeo by serving elk. He whips off a white cloth to reveal some very purple meat. Good news, though! This "big brother" of the red deer is free-range! Hung, of course, is scathing and annoyed, but mostly, I'll bet, because he's never cooked elk in his life and is afraid of it. "It's just so heavy and boring!" Hung brats, and then whines loudly, "I'm not cooking things I enjoy to cook -- I hate it!" As for the "heaviness," three ounces of elk has 1.7 grams of fat and 94 calories. The same amount of beef has 8.7 grams of fat and 183 calories. Brian, all deer-caught-in-headlights, says, "It's gamey -- definitely not seafood." I'm really glad he caught on to that.
The cheftestants kick into high Food Flurry gear and start prepping, with Hung doing one of his Three Stooges whoops. Dale tells us, "Elk, like most game meats, is extremely lean and extremely strong in flavor, so there's a very specific way that you cook it. Understanding the ins and outs of those kinds of meats, I think I'm actually in a really good place going into this competition." Casey is likewise happy with the protein because she's had elk, her family has hunted elk, and she already has some ideas. Brian chooses to work with the elk shank, which he starts searing off, and his list of dishes reads like a tasting menu. He's going to whiskey-braise the shank and serve it with a horseradish and sour cream potato purée and a pancetta, corn, and asparagus relish, and a blackberry balsamic and sage brown butter. I can't wait to hear what sort of "Trojan. Chicken. Rigatoni!" name he crazies up for this dish. Dale is skeptical about Brian's cooking method because he opines that such a lean meat as elk would call for a braising time of ten to twelve hours, not the three hours they have. Dale adds, "That's the great thing about Brian, you see somethin' and you're like, 'That guy is fucked,' and then he pulls it out and wins." Checking in with Hung, we learn he's using the loin and searing it with tomatoes and pairing it up with pommes boulangère and a chocolate red wine sauce. Hung's ego spouts off once again, "Cooking for cowboys and cowgirls does not mean anything to me because ultimately the judges have the final say, so I'm cooking great-tasting food for the judges. That's it." Again, he's not wrong, but I really feel that there should be some sort of karma smack for baldly ignoring who the customers are. Dale fusses with an onion and goat cheese tart that he was going to pair with his elk, but he can't find the requisite cream cheese. Casey's doing a mushroom-crusted elk loin with smoked tomato butter, whipped and caramelized cauliflower, and a poached pear. Man, she's got as much going on as Brian's four personalities, although maybe not as many ingredients. She also knows that Dale and Hung are both working with the loin, so she wants to make sure hers will be very different.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and asks how Seafood Brian is feeling about elk. Brian mutters almost sullenly that he's got skillz beyond seafood. To us, he waxes laundry list about his ideas: "I got cherries and blackberries and balsamic reduction, little bit of brown butter and sage -- I wanna put everything into this dish." I've heard that kitchen sinks require a longer cooking time than three hours. Speaking of that, Colicchio is skeptical that Brian can braise in three hours, but he moves on to Hung. Hung admits to never having cooked elk before, which would explain why he thinks it's "boring," clearly. Hung says that he wants to cook "spontaneously." Colicchio's face is impassive. After Colicchio finds out what Dale is doing, Dale tells us that one of the things the judges have complimented him on is his "saucework." Really? Why don't I remember that? Anyway, Dale is going to spend time making a "perfect sauce." Over at Casey's station, Colicchio confirms that she's comfortable with elk, and also that she has decided not to use her special ingredients because she's saving them for potential finals cooking. Colicchio gathers the cheftestants around for the annual Top Chef Twist. Instead of going from four to two cheftestants, they've decided that because of the "high caliber" of chefs, they're going to go from four to three, sending home only one. For those of you keeping count at home, in the first year, they went from three to two to one, and last year it was four to two, so I'm predicting that year, it will be four to one. Taking the me-myself-and-I approach, Hung says, "I'm kind of thrilled and disappointed because if I make it to the finals, I have to compete with one extra person." However, Dale puts a sympathetic spin on it when he admits, "We were thinking that two were going to go, and I think that's probably a little more comforting at this point, because if you have to single one of us out, that hurts." The cheftestants do a team cheer and break to finish their dishes. Do you think the clock ever stops when Colicchio comes in to Sniff 'n' Sneer and make them gather around for further instructions and/or twists?
As time ticks down, Dale realizes that his goat cheese tart may not pan out, so he develops a fudge factor by boiling some potatoes and cauliflower in milk just in case he needs them. Once again, Hung finishes early, and he tells us, "I'm feeling only ninety percent confident in this dish. I know it lacks soul because I'm not totally into it. It's good -- very, very good, but I don't stand behind it one hundred percent." Casey comments that Hung finished early while the rest of them were still running around. She never explicitly suggests that Hung should have helped anyone, but if it was implied, I don't agree. Not when they're one step away from the finals. I think it's sort of funny how in past years, there have been questions of sabotage, but this year it's all about who didn't help whom. Brian admits, "I kept touching my shanks." Dude, what you do in your bedroom is your own business -- don't bring it into the kitchen. He goes on that he wished he had more time to braise his shanks, but he also wanted to make sure his mashed potatoes were hot when they brought them over to the ranch. Hung notes that Brian was really cutting it close and had they been in a restaurant, he would have helped out, but this is a competition, so he's on his own. Again, I don't disagree, but it was sort of annoying that Hung seemed to position himself to Brian as he counted down the seconds out loud. I say "seemed" because we see Hung hanging out to Brian's station, but we cut away before we can see if he's actually doing the countdown then or at some other time. The cheftestants pack up and move it out.
Once at the ranch, Casey drawls as she never has before on this show, "Mmmm, smawlls liiike fresh-cut haay!" Both Casey and Brian seem up for and excited about the challenge. Hung notes, "There is very little to zero room for mistakes in this challenge. We're all great cooks here, and I think everyone's going to do really, really well. I just hope I do better." It looks like the cheftestants are set up in horse stalls. Dale samples his goat cheese tart and decides it's nasty, so he bins it and starts to work with his cauliflower and potatoes. The cowboys and girls ride in, and the cheftestants finish up their elk. Brian admits that his meat could have braised longer but he's actually thrilled with the way his food is turning out. Dale tells the cameraman that his Plan B is working out for the best. The judges all arrive and strike their judgmental poses. Colicchio is doing that one-foot-forward thing, just as Padma taught him last year. Ripert is sort of doing it as well, but he's locked one of his knees, so he actually looks awkward and uncomfortable. Gail waves excitedly at the cheftestants. Padma bangs on a dinner triangle and yells behind her, "Come and get it!" The cowboys and girls pile into the stables to get their grub on. Casey continues to accentuate her drawl as she coaxes the diners over to her table.
Colicchio visits Casey first and grabs a plate of her mushroom-crusted elk loin with a dual-textured cauliflower thing. Casey puréed half the cauliflower in olive oil and then mixed in caramelized florets. She also has a smoked tomato butter and a pear poached in butter with juniper, which she thinks will pair (heh) well with the elk. Outside, Colicchio and Ripert eat Casey's elk. "She cooked eet verr rare, huh?" Ripert comments. "Yup," Colicchio says shortly. "Almost black and blue," Ripert adds, sticking his knife in his mouth. Gail prances over to Dale's station to try his ginger-cinnamon elk loin with a huckleberry-blackberry red wine sauce. Dale goes on that he couldn't make his goat cheese tart, so instead he has cauliflower and fingerling potatoes, and also pickled cauliflower, pecans, radish sprouts, fresh mint, and a blackberry. Gail doesn't say anything other than "mm-hmm" during this rather long ingredient list. Over with Padma, Gail notes, "There's a lot going on on this plate." Honey, you haven't seen "a lot" yet. Ripert walks over to Hung, who tells us that Ripert is "God." In the stables, Hung tells Ripert he's made a red wine, balsamic, and cinnamon-marinated elk loin, and also has roasted tomatoes and garlic and tomato with Mostazal olive oil and lemon confit. Ripert asks if Hung had the lemon confit in his pantry, but Hung says he made it himself. Hung also has pommes boulangère, to which he added shiitake mushrooms. "Good idea," Ripert comments. And the dish is finished off with elk jus. Hung tells us that when you're being judged by professionals, it doesn't matter how good it is, they're always going to find fault somewhere.
Oh god, and here it is time for the Brians' dissertation on elk. Proudly wearing his off-white cowboy hat, Brian calls out, "I can take a couple of people down here if somebody wants to come visit me not all of you just a couple at a time!" I've finally decided what Brian's cadence reminds me of: a livestock auctioneer. "Here'sapigwhattapigneedapigfortyfiftysixtySOOOOOLD!" He must have powerful lungs because no asthmatic could ever talk that way without dying. After telling some chick from Coronado that he's from San Diego too, he explains his dish: "This is called the Honky-Tonk, Whiskey River, Elk Shank." I totally thought he said "elk shake," and was about to vomit all over the room. Casey notes that she can hear The Brian Show all the way down at her station. Padma greets Brian and says, "I like that you're burning the sage -- it smells wonderful in here." Of course she likes it, because burning sage SMELLS LIKE POT! Brian launches into his description and adds a new adjective for Padma's benefit (she likes the alcohol, remember?): "This is my Honky-Tonk, Whiskey River, Drunken Elk Shank." And he just keeps going, "Whiskey-braised shank, falling off the bone right here and I did that with whiskey, and red wine, allkindsofmixedvegetables, garlic and everythinglikethat. I took cherries, blackberries, and balsamic, reduced it and then I folded that into a sage brown butter. …Corn, pancetta, and pork marinated…I have some really nice spicy radish sprouts right here…bourbon elk shank, all right? So this is a little bit of a horseradish and sour cream…and over here we have some asparagus, corn, pancetta…" Okay, stop right there. I get that with the creative time-lapse editing they are trying to make Brian's list of ingredients seem longer than the passenger list on the Titanic, but they did repeat the "corn, pancetta" part. And given how much else he said, it was clearly unnecessary to do it and it sort of undermines the funny. Brian goes on about two cheeses he has out: "A Gorgonzola right there and a Roquefort right there, a little bit of blue cheese really sets the dish off." Because the bourbon, pancetta, horseradish, and sage are just there for show. Padma digs into the cheese and takes her plate away. I never heard the cowboys and girls say anything negative about the dishes. Gail exclaims, "Wow, that was a serious song and dance. It took him like twenty-five minutes to describe what went on." Colicchio notes they'll have a lot to talk about at judges' table. As usual, Padma just thanks the cheftestants and says she'll see them at Judges' Table. The cheftestants quietly clean up their areas and fret.
Judges' Table. They do some precursory discussion about how much elk they ate, and Ripert says, "They were overall delicious." Colicchio reminds them that they have to send someone home. In the back, Dale comments, "My plate was a carnival -- there was so much shit on that plate." "Mine was a carnival, too," Brian admits. Dude, your plate was Carnivale. Casey comments that they're all ADD and she just doesn't understand how they manage all those ingredients, adding, "I just don't cook like that."
The judges discuss their favorite dishes. Ripert really liked Dale's: "The 'uckleberry sauce was excellent." Gail comments that she couldn't believe how many ingredients Dale used. In fact, she was "astounded." Gail lives her life in italics. Moving on to Hung, Colicchio weakly Bourdains, "The dish suffered from seasonal disorder. Because he had summery garnish with the tomatoes and the fennel and then he goes and does a boulangère of potatoes, which I find to be more fall." Ripert says that Hung's cooking is technically perfect; however, it's almost "too controlled." Padma really liked Brian's shank, an admission which, as Colicchio points out, has Ripert smirking. That's because Ripert has a dirty mind. Ripert abashedly scratches his head and said he found the meat to be "kind of dry." Colicchio brings up all the ingredients in Brian's dish along with how Brian offered a choice of cheeses. Padma says, "The cheese -- that put him over the edge for me." In what way? That it was amazing? Or awful? Colicchio and Ripert agree that Casey's elk was way too rare. Colicchio also didn't "get" the cauliflower purée, but Ripert loved her smoked tomato butter sauce.
The cheftestants are brought out. Padma tells them the quality of all the food was really excellent, and then asks Dale to explain his cooking process. Dale says he was very excited to do elk because his game dishes have always received positive reviews, and he's overall very proud of what he put out tonight. "What happened with the tart?" Gail asks instantly and provokingly. Dale explains how the tart sucked, so he vamped with potatoes and cauliflower and he thinks the dish turned out better. Ripert compliments his huckleberry-blackberry sauce and then asks why he used so many ingredients with the elk. Dale doesn't think it was too much, but he acknowledges the plate looked like a carnival. "But it was a controlled chaos," he finishes.
Moving on to Casey, Colicchio bags on the cauliflower purée. He doesn't think she needed to blow chunks into "a beautiful, silky purée." Casey explains she didn't want the purée to be too homogenous in texture. I can understand that -- too much mushy food is a total texture violation for me. I like varied consistencies. Colicchio tells Casey that her elk was "a little raw, almost." Gail wants to know if Casey had made the smoky tomato butter before. She had. Ripert tells her it was "delicious." Padma asks Hung how he felt about the challenge in general. "I loved it," Hung says immediately. You're such a liar -- what about all your ranting about "it's so heavy and boring"? And how you didn't want to cook for cowboys and girls? Gail asks how much Hung considered the audience when he cooked. "I thought about you guys first, then the clientele," Hung admits, and then says he decided not to make a rustic, heavy dish because he wanted to give the cowboys and girls something different. Colicchio says, "You are technically the best chef up here. Technically. We don't see you in the food at all." I'm sorry, but the way Colicchio says it, it still sounds like "we don't see you in food at all." ["There's been some debate about this; I heard 'the food.'" -- Sars] Colicchio points out that he doesn't see anything of Hung's Vietnamese heritage in any of his food: "Somewhere we need to see Hung, we really do." Hung falls all over himself to promise, "Believe me, if I go to the finals, I can actually prove myself: this is Hung." Yeah, but to only prove that in the finals is sort of bullshit. In seasons past, I remember Colicchio specifically saying, "This is a Dave dish," or "This is a Betty dish," over and over. Shouldn't Hung have found some way to put himself in his food, no matter how much he disagreed with the ingredients or challenge? Isn't part of the challenge being able to still make the food your own, even if you don't like or aren't familiar with various aspects of it?
Padma finally gets to Brian, and she wants to know if there's anything in the pantry he DIDN'T put on his plate. "That's not fair," Brian chuckles. "I just wanted to show you and the world just boom! And I actually think it worked out really impressively nice." Totally and very much completely. Padma points out that she had to wait a really long time to try his food because of his really long explanation, and then she gives him an out by suggesting that that he felt he was really going to sell his dish with his presentation. MALARKEY! takes over. Loudly. "THAT'S A HUGE PART OF THE WHOLE COMPETITION FOR ME I MEAN I'M HAVING AS MUCH FUN WITH THE GUESTS GETTING THEM EXCITED TO EAT IT BEFORE THEY EVEN HAVE IT." Ripert wants to know why Brian had them choose their own cheese. MALARKEY! goes on, "THE GORGONZOLA HAD A REALLY REALLY ROBUST FLAVOR AND THE CALIFORNIA ROQUEFORT WAS A LITTLE BIT MILDER A LITTLE BIT CREAMIER." Ripert comments, "It was very pungent." "Was it?" Brian asks. It's Gorgonzola and Roquefort -- of course it's pungent, Brian! Also, there's no such thing as California Roquefort, so I'm thinking he got his hands on some sort of California blue and christened it himself to make it fancy. Plus, I'm pretty sure that "Roquefort" is name-protected. Ripert presses Brian that as the chef, he should be the one making that command decision for his diners.
Padma now wants each of them to defend their continued existence in the competition. God, I hate these so much. Not only are they a pain to describe or otherwise sum up, but I've never heard one that is really original or impressive. Dale begins by saying that he had his dream job in a restaurant, but the place closed because the owner retired, and he was so broken up by it that he didn't cook for a year and a half. The first QF on the show broke that streak. Dale goes on, "I entered this competition to find myself again. I have been reborn. I have found my flavor." Hysterically, Brian is looking from Dale to the judges with a look like, "Can you believe this malarkey?" Like he's one to talk. Dale feels that the dish he put out that night was head and shoulders above what he's put out before, and he finishes, "And now I'm a chef again."
, Casey says that when they got the break between the regular season and the finales, she only took two days for herself and the she was right back at work. She's a hard worker, she's constantly studying, constantly trying to make her restaurant the best it can be. Ripert smiles at her. She really stands behind the dishes she made and promises, "And I really have so much more to show."
Hung surprises everyone by saying that he cooks with "so much love," which is something he gets from his mother. "I grew up in the kitchen, sleeping in the kitchen, cooking all my life, and when I think about my mom's food, I get so emotional. I get tingly because it's all about soul and that's what I talk about all day is the soul in the food," Hung says. He doesn't see himself doing anything else. It's what he has done his whole life and what his entire family does. Colicchio is smiling at him. "It's for the love of food, that's all it is."
The Brian Show: "I think I should stay just because I've cooked for cowboys, I've cooked for these people [he means Bryan, O'Brian, and MALARKEY!], I've cooked for every person under the sun, but I haven't cooked my food. At all. And this is our ["OUR"!] opportunity to show you what I would cook." Because all this time, he's been letting Bryan do the prep, O'Brian do the seasoning, and MALARKEY! do the cooking. "I do believe that my food is pretty entertaining and I think you and the world and my friends would love to see it, so…"
The cheftestants are sent away, and the judges rehash. They all really liked Dale's dish, except for Padma, who says, "It looked like too much on the plate." With Hung, Gail doesn't think the components showcased the elk. Colicchio says, "Brian was really emphatic saying he hasn't cooked Brian's food yet. I think that was a cop-out, I think this was his dish." Colicchio, you don't understand; it wasn't Brian's dish, it was Brians' dish. He hasn't been able to separate the Sybils and be just himself for years now. Ripert says Brian's dish was too sweet, and he feels as strongly as Roquefort that allowing the diners to choose their own cheese was a grave misstep. The judges don't really seem to like Casey's dish. "It wasn't memorable," Gail says, dragging out her italics again. Ripert quietly disagrees, because he loved the smoky tomato butter sauce. "Oh, yes," Gail nods, as if she hadn't just called Casey's dish forgettable. Ripert goes on that the sauce elevated Casey's dish: "Eet was more than completing eet, eet was making eet better." "You're right, there was that one component in the dish that really sang," Gail amends rather lamely. She wonders if it's enough.
The cheftestants toast the judges with red wine, with Brian saying that they have a "hard, hard decision in front of them."
The cheftestants are brought back and since this is part of the finals, Colicchio dispenses with his customary ReCrap and tells the cheftestants that the whole season has been really great for all of them. Ripert tells Dale that he is the winner of the night; Dale will get to cook with Ripert at the Food and Wine Weekend that he's hosting at the Ritz-Carlton on Grand Cayman. He'll get to do a demonstration with Ripert, and also spend some time in his restaurant. Damn. That's awesome. Dale tells him, "That's the biggest honor of my life." Ripert grins. Colicchio, again not ReCrapping, compliments all of them and has no negatives to give them, except maybe when he tells Brian that he thinks they really have seen Brian in his food, because "part of who you are is really looking to please the people you're cooking for and we appreciate that." Without drawing it out at all, Padma sadly tells Brian to pack his knives and go. Brian sketches out a bow, as Casey drops at the waist in abject relief. When she looks up, she's crying. Hung squats and holds his hand to his forehead. Brian walks up to the judges and shakes all of their hands. Hung and Casey both sort of fling themselves at Brian as Colicchio looks on and smiles.
Brian tells us, "I've enjoyed the entire ride, I've cooked great dishes, I've left with the greatest amount of respect, I've made friends. I think I was a little cutting edge, maybe a little bit ahead of my time. Maybe I'll be celebrated when I'm gone." Does he mean when he's dead? Because it's not exactly like how Van Gogh wasn't appreciated in his own time. He left paintings behind, Brian, and you don't get to leave stuff behind unless you plan on leaving a fridge full of food, which is sort of gross. In the back, Brian tells the others that there's no reason to shed tears over his leaving. Sad thing is, they don't actually look like they are. Brian tips his cowboy hat and bows to the remaining three. Dale tells us it's really tough to see him go. The three clap him out and Brian says, "Thankyouverymuch," which makes me wonder if we've just met a fifth personality who has been busy impersonating Elvis on the Las Vegas stage in Brian's mind this whole time. Brian says he's going back to his life and he's happy that he didn't play it safe during the whole competition: "I blew it up and I had a great time and if that's why they're gonna send me home, I'm riding home on a magical carpet." Yes, you are. All of you.
Casey, Hung, and Dale hug each other tightly and Dale says, "I won one, goddammit!"
week: we've got Todd English with not enough powder on his greasy face, Rocco with way too much scruff on his, Michelle Bernstein with way too much Sandra Bernhard, and Ted with way too much Gail.