Last week, Stephen was riddled and found to be a non-vintage.
Again, morning dawnzers on the Baker Street irregulars. Harold moans at the camera in his face, "Ohhh, it's too early." He's very cute. That's exactly how I'd react to all those damn cameras. "It's too early and I haven't removed my Breathe-Right, so get outta my fucking face!" Harold tells us he's sad that Stephen had to go, but it was his time. We get some interesting shots of Dave's rather biker-spiky calves as he tells us that when the technology boom "took a dump," he got into the kitchen, so he's a late bloomer by some standards. Too bad Andrea's not around to appreciate the scatological references. On that twelve-year-old note, I think Andrea's cookbook should be Pooping Your Way to Better Health. Tiffani doesn't care about being friends with everyone else because she's here to play and win. Lee Anne wants to win, and she wants Dave and Harold to go with her to the final three.
Quickfire. Tom, Bot, and Gail are gathered in the kitchen, seemingly sizing up the cheftestants. Again. Some more. The Bot then goes into a subroutine about the win and the prize and the judges and so on. And so it goes and so it goes and she's the only one who knows. Bot announces that the Quickfire is all about junk food. Didn't we do this already? We pan over to see a trestle table groaning with artistically piled plates of corn dogs, Twinkies (the delight of Pakistani dictators), Ding-Dongs (whatever, I REFUSE to call them "King-Dons"), Pop-Tarts, potato chips, fried nuggets of something, Otter Pops, Oreos, Jiffy-Pop (oh so artistically fluffing out from its carefully peeled back aluminum), Salsa Verde Doritos, Funyuns, and pretzels. Harold is pissed, because this is NOT what he is about. The Quickfire is to recreate the junk food and give it their own unique gourmet twist. Whatever, just remake the Ding-Dongs using Valrhona genoise, soft coconut meringue in the middle, and dipped in Valrhona ganache. For a twist, just make sure your Valrhona ganache has some sort of jasmine, green tea, or verbena infusion. Done and done. Bot drones, "This challenge is about taking something from the lowest level of the food chain and elevating it to the highest level." What's the "lowest level of the food chain" crap? Is she calling my Jiffy-Pop a paramecium?
Harold is sent to pick his link from the food chain. He chooses popcorn. Michael Mina supposedly makes a truffled popcorn for their bar. I can make truffled popcorn. Just give me popcorn and I'll add some truffle oil to it, and I won't charge you eight dollars for it, either. Harold confesses to us that he has no idea what he's going to do. "But I know I'm going to take the healthiest thing up there and make something hot with it," Harold goes on, channeling Andrea. Dave chooses nachos. Predictable. Tiffani chooses corndogs. Also predictable. For so many reasons. Lee Anne goes for the hotdog. They have forty-five minutes and the contents of the pantry to work with. Food flurry.
Oh my god, I think they killed me with all the Kenmore-appliance-flogging in that food flurry. Harold's not there to cook junk food, Tiffani doesn't want to change what a corndog is, Lee Anne likes to take everyday food and make it her own, Dave spazzes and runs through the kitchen. Tiffani doesn't think Dave will be around much longer. Well, you're wrong, aren't you, bitch? Dave will do what he's gotta do to get it done. And HELLO! Someone is using Chimay Red in something they're making. Sign me up for a piece of that! I mean, Chimay White is the best, with Chimay Blue coming in as a close second, but when it comes right down to it, anything Chimay is the shit-may. Time's up.Starting with Harold, we learn that he has made an Ecuadorian ceviche (shrimp, calamari, Clementines, lime juice) with popcorn cakes. As the judges taste, Harold asks, "Taste like popcorn?" It does, apparently. "Got my Pop Secret in the Kenmore microwave." Oh, Harold. You stooped. Colicchio congratulates him on his dish. Tiffani looks impassive. It's amazing how much bitchier she can look when she has virtually no expression on her face.
Tiffani presents her chorizo and duck sausage corndog with Camembert cream dipping sauce. Given the opportunity, I would bathe in Camembert, and I do love chorizo and duck, but the three of them together sort of cancel each other out in terms of richness. There's just no need for one when you have the other. It's like wrapping Kobe beef with lobster. Just let the one flavor sing its loudest without being shouted down by another flavor of equal intensity. "It's really good," Colicchio says, and they move on.
Lee Anne shows off her gourmet hotdog. She made a Japanese seafood hotdog with spicy mustard and lotus chips. They sample, nod appreciatively, and move on.
As they move on to Dave, he confesses his distress to us that he had a sloppy plate of nachos. He tells the judges that he got "overzealous" in trying to make everything from scratch, "but the flavors are going to be there." He always has a story or an excuse, doesn't he? Dave presents his Seafood Nachos with Fire-Roasted Tomato and Papaya Salsa along with an Avocado Crema. He also made refried black beans and took scallops and quickly cooked them and put them on the chips. Okay. So, I'm not a top chef, but fire-roasting tomatoes and papaya doesn't take all that long. , you whiz them in the Cuisinart and season into a salsa. Avocado Crema? Isn't that just raw avocado and buttermilk or sour cream or something that you didn't actually milk the animal for and drain yourself? Scallops quickly sliced and cooked? Five minutes. The only thing I wonder about is if he actually took dried beans and soaked them before cooking them and then refrying them himself. But hey, Rosarita's refried black beans in a can? Damn delicious. Also? Easy. Maybe he was actually dumb enough to make the chips himself? Who knows. They thank him.
In the end, everyone but Dave seems to have impressed the judges. The winner is Harold. Bot mechanically congratulates Harold and tells him he has a good shot at going to Vegas as long as he doesn't fuck it up and serve them Hungry Man dinners or something. Dave has some "ground to make up" if he doesn't want to be sent home. Oh my god, the Bot still manages to crank on! She's saying that they started at the bottom of the food chain, but they are now going straight to the top. Colicchio and Gail leave and come back in with a box of "oh my god." And we go to gasping to commercials.After commercial break, we learn that the secret ingredient is... BLACK TRUFFLES FROM PERIGORD! And I learn that my secret reaction is... BORED FROM SAN FRANCISCO! Seriously, they couldn't come up with blowfish liver ("If you kill the guests, you might be sent home."), real and raw Brie, or absinthe? I guess they might get into some sort of lawish trouble with those ingredients. But still, black truffles are so over. In fact, they were over when people started adding them to burgers, pot pies, and pasta WHEN YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE OR TASTE THEM! But maybe I'm just bitter. I mean, I do think truffles are amazing and tasty and can transform a dish, but I don't know, I was just underwhelmed by their choice. Also, Gail presents a bottle of "2001 Shafer Hillside Select. It is very rare and very expensive." It's also a Cab Sauvignon from the Stag's Leap District, for those of you keeping track at home. I wonder if it's more expensive and rare than the S.L.V. Cab I tried at a private function at Stag's Leap itself. You know, the stuff that embarrassed the hell out of the French in 1976. For the record, the 2001 Shafer Hillside Select has a suggested retail of one hundred seventy-five dollars. Now, I'm not one who orders wine of that caliber in restaurants, but I'm just not that impressed. Their page doesn't even have a Wine Spectator ranking, but I note that they do have a Food and Wine ranking. Give me a Cain Five or a Chappellet and we might get somewhere interesting. Then again, I actually really love my thirteen ninety-nine Montepulciano d'Abruzzo for every day sippage, so why listen to me? Oh, poor Stephen -- he must've been in agony when this episode aired! Can you imagine what he would have been like on this task?
Harold tells us, "When I saw the wine and truffles, I thought, 'This is why I'm here. This is why I got involved in this competition.'" About bloody time, Harold! Bot tells them they will prepare dishes with "one of the most expensive ingredients money can buy," to pair with "one of the most sought-after wines money can't buy." Additionally, they will be cooking in Napa, "the epicenter of gourmet food and wine." Whatthefuckever. Napa? Blows. Healdsburg? Now that's where the foodies and winos go. That's where the real shit does down. Aside from a precious few restaurants, Napa is for tourists. They're going to be cooking at Copia for "some of the best chefs in Napa Valley." Thomas Keller? Needless to say, they will be under some tough scrutiny. Tiffani bootlicks for us. I choose not to listen.
The judges leave the truffles and wine behind and wish them luck. The cheftestants start sniffing the truffles (Lick it. LICK IT!) and sampling the wine. "It's beautiful. It's got nice legs," Tiffani says. Shut it. I don't know why that particular comment pissed me off, but it did. It's like saying, "This Recchiuti chocolate is nice. It's rich." The cheftestants go to bed.
morning, Harold confesses that he's feeling pretty sick. Dave tells us he needs to lighten up on himself and concentrate on cooking. "My food is so great and I don't get the sense that -- unless something drastic happens -- I'm going home," Tiffani parses confusingly for us. They drive to Napa. The vines are bleeding red and the trees are golden and dropping.
The cheftestants shop at the Sunshine Market. Lee Anne, Tiffani, and Harold all grab lamb. Oh, dear. Well, for me -- lamb lubber that I am -- this would be most excellent, but the pristine chefs will tire of it after the second lamb dish. Dave realizes he can't do lamb and grabs beef instead. He's also planning a mac and cheese. Harold now wishes he had chosen a vegetarian option.
The cheftestants file into Julia's Kitchen at Copia (yes, that Julia) and look around. Tiffani pontificates about Julia, who she was and what she did, and I just want to punch her really hard. Lee Anne says, "I got to meet Julia before she died." "Imetheroncetoo," Tiffani says really quickly. HATE.
The cheftestants prep. Harold's hurting, Tiffani's bragging, Lee Anne's explaining, Dave's swearing. Lee Anne sings out Dave's name and asks if he can get a pan down. Tiffani makes her tight bitchface, cocks her head, and asks, "Can you just be a little quieter?" Because they're in a library, not a professional kitchen. Tiffani explains to us, "I like a quiet kitchen -- it's not a time to mess around. I have a good time when I'm cooking, but my joy comes through the food and the work and the process of what I'm doing." Dave tells us that they "aren't saving lives." Seriously. Although you would do well to remember that time you break down and cry a river of dreams in the middle of the competition. Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. He sniffs, he sneers. When Colicchio finds out three of the cheftestants are doing lamb, he tells us, "I'm a little, kinda, perplexed as to why that happened, but they're going to have to live with that choice." Well, actually, you're going to have to live with it because you have to eat that choice. As to how it happened? They don't talk to each other, and it's a big-assed red wine. Go figure.
The Napa chefs assemble. Let's see, we've got Doug Keane of Cyrus, Cindy Pawlcyn of Mustards, Phillippe Jeanty of Jeanty at Jack's and Bistro Jeanty, and Hiro Sone of Terra and Ame. Niiiice. Harold thinks that Tiffani is in the weeds. A server comes in and politely tells her, "Tiffani? Your service is starting... " She says, "Uh, give me just a minute." She tells us, "It was awesome to be cooking for those chefs and you want those dishes to come out right." Bot makes some stilted toast and we see that Greg Cole of Celadon, James McDevitt of Restaurant Budo, and John Shafer of Shafer Vineyards are there. The camera pans to show us Keith Luce of Press Restaurant and Lissa Doumani of Terra and Ame. Tiffani tells us she just "didn't have the time." Commercials.
Tiffani presents her dish of Rosemary and Thyme Seared Lamb Loin with Cauliflower Purée and Truffle and Foie Gras Stuffed Gnocchi. Okay, I'm hungry. Douglas Keane from Cyrus in a total surfer's voice asks, "What was the dough for the gnocchi?" Tiffani tells him, "Classic potato dough." Lissa Doumani of Terra asks if there was truffle in the gnocchi dough. There was. Tiffani thinks her time management suffered that day, but she stands by her dish. The chefs deliberate. Lissa Doumani thinks that the cauliflower purée and the sauce brought out the acid in the wine instead of bringing out the roundness.
Harold presents , and he's got a Roasted Lamb Loin with Sunchoke Creamed Spinach, and Sautéed Chanterelles and Truffles. Harold explains that he also used a bit of the wine in the lamb jus. I wonder if he's the only one to use the wine. I mean, to make the wine a better match with the food, all of them should have been introducing the wine in some way, but Harold's the only one to mention it. The chefs like that Harold used sunchokes, and wonder why he decided to use them. Harold explains that he doesn't like to overuse dairy in his cooking because he thinks it sticks to your palate, so puréed vegetables is how he makes things creamy. He experimented around and decided puréed sunchokes did a good thing with his food. Surfer Dude from Cyrus says, "There was some grit on the mushrooms." Oops. Cindy Pawlcyn adds, "Lots." Harold thanks them and leaves. He reports to the kitchen, "They're tough out there." The chefs deliberate and appear to like Harold's dish better than Tiffani's. They think his flavors are cleaner and that the dish, as a whole, works better with the wine.
Lee Anne plates. Tiffani tells us, "I think Lee Anne completely overshot. She had too many ingredients on the plate." As Lee Anne walks out, Colicchio is bashing the fact that they have too many lamb dishes and that one is sure to lose unless the beef dish is a disaster. "Hiiiiiii, Lee Anne," Bot drawls. Colicchio collects himself and his big fat mouth. Lee Anne presents her Pistachio and Truffle-Crusted Lamb Loin with Butternut Squash and Truffle Risotto and Braised Treviso and Forest Mushrooms. There's also a cherry red wine demi-glace. Yikes, I don't like to think how the treviso would react with that big wine. Also, I hate to agree with Tiffani but -- yeah, lots going on there. Cindy Pawlcyn likes the cherry sauce. Lee Anne leaves. Some of the chefs think that Lee Anne's risotto is a "starchy mess."
Dave prepares himself to present. Just don't cry. "Dave's food is never really all that refined," Tiffani tells us. Man, she has a lot to say tonight, doesn't she? "I don't feel like anyone thought he was being an innovator." Dave presents his Truffle and Cognac Cream Macaroni and Cheese with Filet of Beef, Collard Greens, and Radicchio. Again with the bitter greens and this wine. Dave goes on, "It's been such an intense challenge, you know, because I'm such a freak about food and I love sharing. You know, it just was crazy... " Oh, dear god -- SHUT UP, DAVE! "... getting it out and done and pffff, we've been up for the last twenty-whatever days with a bunch of crazy people in the house. The things I taste in the wine, actually, I tasted a bit of chocolate, a bit of cherry, but I didn't want to do a chocolate sauce. I did eat some candy bars when I was drinking it... " Yeah, that's what every winemaker wants to hear. Also, he JUST KEEPS GOING ON! Finally, he leaves. The chefs like it, but Cindy Pawlcyn thinks Dave is "a black pepper monkey." Laughter all around.
In the kitchen, Dave swears and says, "It's like, I'm done, it's over, either way, thank you and goodnight." In the dining room, the chefs re-discuss the dishes. As usual, it's hard to tell what will really happen from these cut-and-pasted remarks. Phillippe Jeanty does sort of take issue with the fact that Harold says he doesn't like to use much dairy in his cooking: "I mean, I'm French, so it's like, what's the point?" Aw, he has a cute, big, red, buttery, French face. The Napa chefs are excused.
In the kitchen, the exhausted cheftestants ponder their existence.
Coming up after the commercial break, Dave will cry.
The cheftestants face the judges. Colicchio tells Harold that while his sunchoke idea was a good one, they are in Julia's Kitchen and she was all about butter and cream. So, if Harold had just left out that little comment about how he doesn't like to use too much dairy, they'd just think the sunchokes were a tasty idea and not berate him? Gail thinks that Harold did put his best food forward, except for the gritty mushrooms. "Yeah, it's no good," Harold agrees. "It's no good," Gail repeats, "and it ruins the experience for a lot of people." Okay, he gets it! Colicchio tells Lee Anne that he loves that she didn't play it safe, but her lamb was slightly overcooked, and her risotto congealed. Gail tells Lee Anne that her dish was really enjoyable but too busy, because it overpowered the two flavors that were supposed to shine: the wine and the truffles. Turning to Tiffani, Gail though her flavors in the gnocchi were great but the dough wasn't. Colicchio tells Tiffani that some of the chefs felt the pairing of the wine and cauliflower fell on its fat face. Tiffani says, "It was fine, to me, in my head. I went back and tasted it again and I very rarely -- like, when I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but on that one I don't think I was wrong." Well, a roomful of chefs better than you thought you were wrong, so what are you gonna do? Gail gives Dave props for the little bit of black truffle on the bottom of the mac and cheese but takes him to task for treating the rest of the dish as an afterthought.
Bot steps in and says there were two clear favorites. Colicchio tells Harold his dish was Colicchio's favorite, and Harold's going to Vegas. Harold is thrilled. Colicchio sighs and turns to Dave, who is already welling up, "Dave, you've really come a long way since we started this." He goes on and on about Dave's flavor layering. "I think you showed that you can take an expensive ingredient and still make it soulful. They all loved it," Colicchio concludes. He's really sort of grudging in his tone. Dave drops his head. "They loved it!" Gail echoes. Colicchio says that Dave was the number one choice of all the chefs and he's going to Vegas. Dave is in tears. He can't talk. Dave and Harold are excused. They go back to the kitchen. Harold congratulates Dave and says, "Happy you're here. You all right?" Dave goes to literally chill out in the in walk-in. "I just want to hit the button, beam me up," Dave says, wine glass in hand. He smacks a button, the walk-in doors slide open, and Dave steps inside. The doors slide shut. I think he's going to Ten-Forward. Dave paces in the walk-in and swears and talks to himself. Harold chortles at this. Dave recovers and comes out. He likes the cold. He's a big, red polar bear. Dave and Harold both hope Lee Anne is joining them.
Judges' Table. "It was a bit of a shocker that Lee Anne and I were together at that table, I think going in, everyone expected Dave to be in the bottom two," Tiffani tells us. No, bitch, you expected that, and you are now embarrassed by the result. How do you like that Karma corn? Colicchio asks Tiffani why she should go to Vegas. She goes on a tear about herself, extolling her virtues -- one of which is humility, I am gleeful to add -- and says that her food has been good and she stands behind it. Same question for Lee Anne. Lee Anne thinks she is very competitive, but she doesn't have to be mean to be competitive. She's been herself the entire way and hasn't had to put anyone down along the way. Lee Anne has learned a lot of good lessons and learned from her mistakes.After the commercial break, Colicchio says that he enjoyed the both of them. He gives both of them props for their work and their dedication. He clearly loves Tiffani. In the end, Lee Anne is the one to leave. Very sad. In the kitchen, Harold hugs Lee Anne tight and long. Harold sniffles and hugs Lee Anne. They both tell us how sad they are to see her go. Tiffani says, "I have all the respect in the world for you," and hugs her. Lee Anne doesn't look thrilled or comforted by this gesture. "Lee Anne and I have very, very different philosophies. And I get knocked for being somewhat harsh. The thing is, I'm a good person, I'm a nice person, and I don't feel like that's what I came here to prove. I came here to prove that I can cook and that's what I did," Tiffani tells us with her small mouth and her just really big face. Lee Anne wishes them all luck and leaves.
week: reunion and Dave cries. Also, bonus, Tiffani wears pink pants and appears to cry and also have a weird-ass freak-out during which she leaves the set. Oh, and remember Ken with the finger issues? He's also back and he and Stephen get into it, and Colicchio literally has to get between them.