Nice little preview of the hot "Summer of Love" we have to look forward to: Sarah Merrin Spewitt salsa dancing in some red frilly ensemble, Spewitt kissing Spencer in the rain (trite!), and a whole lotta glam shots of Spewitt being introspective, i.e. "Gee, I wonder if this tight shirt does enough to make my dinners defy gravity"; Spewitt acting coy: "Why don't you find out for yourself if my dinners are silicon-free; Carson did!" Spewitt looking exhilarated: "Now I have two dressing rooms: one for me and one for my dinners!"
Male voice-over tells us that all we needed to know is that Sarah came to New York to find her father (insert tearful shot of Sarah getting snot all over herself) and that she's "still looking" -- and if by "looking" they mean "not looking at all since the second episode," then I guess I will accept that. Voice-over continues: "She found a roommate named Romy, an aspiring actress." Give it up for Romy the Duck-Billed Platypus, the only one who told Sarah how self-absorbed she was. You gotta respect the effort it must've taken for her to do that through those huge lips of hers. Voice-over: "She met Maguire; he had issues." Snort. Voice-over: "She met Spencer. He was something else." Roll clip of Sarah's attempt to insult Spencer at the museum party. Voice-over: "It wasn't all she dreamt it would be, but she's not giving up. [The weather report at the bottom of my screen tells me that an Anvil Shower Warning is in effect for the whole FOX network, courtesy of co-producer Jennifer Love Hewitt's eternal spunkiness and refusal to let her show go gentle into that good night.] Time of Your Life begins right now."
I think I need to take my brand-new TV back to Best Buy, because the picture quality is really poor. Everything is dark. Oh, wait, I'm wrong, it's just the opening scene. Sarah walks into Spencer's stepmom's swanky apartment and calls out for Flynn. Spencer emerges from the shadows to tell her that there's no one there because Ashley is at her therapist and Flynn's real mother is visiting, so Sarah's presence isn't needed anymore. Sarah starts to get stroppy: "I work for Ashley, not you." Spencer tells her that Ashley has no use for her either, and Sarah retorts that they have birthing class that afternoon. Spencer condescendingly tells her that she can female-bond with his stepmother on her own time: "My father is not paying you two hundred bucks a week to baby-sit his wife." Why exactly does Spencer care when it isn't even his money? It's not like he'll get any dosh out of his old man when he bites the dust -- it'll all go to Ashley's yet-unborn brat. Sarah tells him she can't believe he's the same person who organized her twenty-first birthday party, but she stands her ground, the plucky little thing, and tells him that since Ashley hired her, it will be Ashley who fires her. Spencer freaks out and says that she's a huge inconvenience: "Look, I can't deal with anything else this morning. I don't know what the hell's going on today. Maybe the planets are all lined up and you're all having your periods or something!" Spencer slams the door behind him as Sarah tells him he's "completely disgusting."
The Time They Got E-Rotic
At Sarah's apartment, Sarah walks in with Leya, who is complaining in her fuzz-brained voice that Spencer is terrible because he wouldn't let her go to Greenland to do a bikini photo shoot on a glacier. I guess that's supposed to make all the impressionable males in the audience think about what happens to dinners when the temperature gets nipply. Leya goes on, "He said that if I cared for him, I would put the relationship before my work." Leya is in a quandary and asks Sarah for advice. Sarah tells her to go on the shoot and not tell Spencer but send him an email instead. Leya thinks that's a great idea, but there's a fly in the old proverbial ointment: "But how do I do that? I have like three websites but I have no idea how to go online." I guess that's because dorking out on the Internet might cause her to lose her model looks. ["I think that was a shout-out, but I could be wrong." -- Sars] Leya asks Sarah not only to send the email, but to actually write the email. "'Cause if I write it, it will be really boring," Leya concedes. Sarah gets excited and asks if Leya wants her to really let Spencer have it. Sarah dictates a sample of her work: "'Dear Spencer, your attempt at emotional blackmail failed. I'm heading to Greenland, but let me just say as I go . . .'" Blah, blah, blah venting spleencakes. "Something like that?" Sarah asks, done with projecting her own feelings for Spencer. Leya stares up at Sarah in worshipful wonder. God, if it isn't a man staring at her in worshipful wonder, it's a woman. Dear Love Hewitt: please go to Sydney, compete in the pole vault, and get over yourself! All the best, keckler. So, Sarah's to play Cyrano, but they changed the script slightly; instead of a big nose, she'll have big dinners.
Bawling, yes she's bawling, 'cuz her show's crawling right off the air . . .
Good Lord, there's a Platypus on the stage! Romy the Duck-Billed Platypus gives a comedic performance to her drama class. Her drama teacher stands up and judges Platypus' performance. Suddenly, he begins his Ascension into the serpent beast. I guess the mayor of Sunnydale found another Hellmouth in which he can feed. Platypus is commended. Platypus glows.
A pinched voice is talking to Sarah in the impossibly-nice-for-New York apartment, saying how great Platypus is doing in New York. The pinched voice picks up a photo from the mantelpiece and admires it. "Guys and Dolls! Freshman year. They still talk about my Adelaide's Lament," the pinched voice tells Sarah. "That's funny, I always thought that was Romy," Sarah says, "but I never looked that close." Yeah, tell us something we don't know, Sarah "Self-Absorbed" Merrin. Pinched Voice points out Platypus's face in the picture, making sure that Sarah knows Platypus was in the back row of the chorus, and laughs in a "pat the little girl on the head" kind of way. Pinched Voice goes on about how "wild" it is that Platypus was the one to come out to New York and make a go of acting: "She's doing really well," Pinched Voice states, but there seems to be a question in her tone. Sarah confirms her roommate's success: "Yeah, she just did her second commercial." And that would be the Fam-tastic one? Platypus walks in and exclaims, "Mollie!" Shrieking all around. Mollie got in earlier than expected and found her way to their place, no problem. Platypus asks Mollie what she wants to do, and Mollie says she'll do whatever but she doesn't want to pinch Platypus's style. She just wants to see how great Platypus's life is. "Then your timing couldn't have been more perfect!" Platypus announces.
The Time They Got E-Rotic
Maguire "Scraggle Rock" must not have paid his electricity bill again, because we can hardly see that it's J.B. who just walked into his music shoppe. J.B. shows Scraggle a colorful poster advertising their DJ-ing business. Scraggle is annoyed: "How much did this cost?" J.B. tells him two hundred dollars, and Scraggle flips out. J.B. tries to calm him down, telling him they can use them as flyers and that Sophie will hand them out to her clients. "So this is Sophie's idea, and you do anything Sophie says," Scraggle says bitterly. There's an argument about whether Scraggle's mad because Sophie chose J.B. over Scraggle, or because he's in debt and can't waste money on posters. J.B. tells him, "You have to spend money to make money," and that they've got two more gigs lined up. Scraggle tells him that as soon as he makes enough money to pay Vinnie back, he's done with the whole thing.
At the birthing class, Ashley and Sarah are suffering through a conversation with a too-cute-to-be-true couple. The wife tells her that her adorable husband laminated their wedding photograph to be used as a distraction during the hard labor. I think the only thing that could distract me from hard labor is if the circus came to town and set up shop in my delivery room. At the very least, I could have a spirited debate with the contortionist and sword swallower about what true pain is. Laminated wedding photograph, my cat's fanny. The Adorable Couple's baby begins to kick, and Adorable Husband begins to drool all over Adorable Wife's stomach. Ashley looks uncomfortable. The Adorable Couple come out of their own world long enough to inquire where Ashley's having her baby. Ashley tells them NYU, and Adorable Wife tells her that NYU is really open to "alternative families" and goes on to say, "It's the Catholic hospitals that'll give you trouble." Sarah starts to explain that they aren't lesbians, but Ashley interrupts her several times. Ashley whispers to Sarah that she'd rather they think they're a couple rather than have them know that her husband had "other priorities." Sarah finally gets it. She's not too sharp, that one.
J.B. welcomes Sophie home with wine and dinner. Sophie puts the bottle against her head and tells J.B. she has a migraine; one of her clients is driving her crazy by changing his mind at the last minute about what kind of music he wants. J.B. volunteers his and Scraggle's services. Sophie is skeptical that they know anything about swing music. "Maguire knows every kind of music," J.B. says. Sophie still isn't convinced, because it's a huge party on two floors and she doesn't think J.B. should overextend himself so early into the game. J.B. snipes that she sounds like Scraggle and that he doesn't understand why everyone thinks he has to start slow. He badgers Sophie into letting them take the gig. Sophie conveniently forgets her migraine and gets turned on by his jubilance.