The opening credits are full of Gossip-like whispers of exposition. We learn that there's going to be a boffo graduation party at some ambiguous and more-than-likely unpopular chick's house, where surely the house will be destroyed la Sixteen Candles and Weird Science, and that some guy's naked under his graduation gown -- the cheeky rebel! We also learn that Mike Dexter dumped Amanda Beckett, and since everyone's talking about it, we can probably divine that they are the "popular" couple.
As we meet them throughout the movie, each member of the main cast of characters is presented to us with yearbook snapshots. You remember filling those forms out, right? "Activities," "Future Plans," "Personal Quote," and so forth. The first character we meet at the high-school graduation ceremony is our sensitive hero, Preston. His yearbook entry tells us that his activities included the literary magazine, honor society, and swimming; his college of choice is Dartmouth, and his defining quote by Thoreau is, "Beware all enterprises that require new clothes." So we've got our sensitive hero with a literary bent and a sense of humor, who participated in just enough carefully-chosen activities to avoid being anti-social but not so many that make him a jerk-weed jock or an over-achieving geek (see: Eric Stoltz in Some Kind of Wonderful). Though I'm fairly secure in the fact that we'll meet those two necessary-to-any-movie-about-high-school stereotypes later. As the gossip reaches him by way of the naked guy, we note that Preston takes particular interest in the fact that Mike and Amanda broke up. Let's regroup: we've got graduation, a party, a breakup, an unrequited love interest, and a naked guy; all the elements are there. After the hat toss, Preston whinges to his best friend, Denise (the requisite PAW [pissed at world] type whose yearbook snap tells us she had no activities, whose future plans involve NYU, whose quote from Oscar Wilde is, "A true friend stabs you in the front," and who wears army green when she's not wearing black) about Fate and Amanda at the graduation party. Evidently, Preston and Fate have been buddies for a long time where Amanda is concerned. To wit, he was the first person to witness her arrival at their school as the new girl; she was seated to him in class and she ate the exact same Pop Tart he was eating. Unfortunately for Preston, Mike Dexter was quicker on the snatch when the teacher asked who would like to show Amanda around the school, and they had been a couple until now. This stroll down memory lane conveniently blocked out Amanda's face, so it will be a big surprise when we find out she's actually Jennifer Love Hewitt. Denise tells Preston it's time to forget everyone and move on, but he manages to convince her to come to the party with him.
Can't Hardly Wait
Meanwhile, the Jerk-Weed Jocks (soon-to-be Beer Swilling Fratties), led by Mike Dexter (whose yearbook snap is all sports), are stuffing their maws at the local Frosty stand. Mike convinces his fellow Jerk-Weed toadies to follow his example and break up with their girlfriends so as to leave them open to all women everywhere. Especially college women. Yeah, because college women all aspire to date beer-breathing boys who belch the alphabet. Of course, some of them feel that belching the whole alphabet is an unrealistic goal and content themselves with just belching the vowels. The Jerk-Weed toadies hail Mike as their Neanderthal god as they tear off for the party. The major character we meet is William Lichter, the over-achiever and valedictorian who has been tormented by Mike Dexter his whole life and wants revenge. Will's plans include Harvard, his activities are too numerous to list, and his quote comes from Einstein. Tonight, his plan is to rally his sci-fi-obsessed laddies, chloroform Mike, and catch him on Polaroids in flagrante homo-dilecto with one of his Jerk-Weed jock bros (calling Christian Slater, you're wanted on the Heathers set). It is evident that Will is the "Farmer Ted, the King of the Dipshits" character (see: Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles). Enter Kenny "White Boyz in the Hood" Fisher, the white-wanna-be-black-kid. His yearbook snap has a quote from Tupac, and his future plans include going to UCLA and playing Oz on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. All Kenny "New Jack Cheese City" Fisher is concerned with is getting laid at the party. He's even got a Kama Sutra knapsack stuffed with condoms, books, candles, condoms, flavored oils, and condoms. His vocab consists of rearrangements of "yo," "I gots to gits," and "bitches." I love him.
Preston pulls up at the party (it's a "key party" where everyone drops their keys in a jar to keep them from drunk driving [see: Say Anything]. Responsible, yes. Original, no) and tells Denise that he has "the letter" (see: C. Thomas Howell, Secret Admirer). Denise scoffs about his four-year revision of said letter. I join Denise in her scoffing when Fate smacks Preston again as Barry Manilow's "Mandy" comes on the radio (Geddit? Amanda = Mandy). Denise tells Preston that he's lame and that the song is about Manilow's pooch. Inside the party, Sabrina "Maximum Overdrive" the Teenage Witch is playing a pig-tailed Patty Simcox (go Greased lightning!), bouncing about and tormenting everyone until they sign her yearbook. Kenny "Special K" Fisher arrives wi' his posse and declares it's time to get "bizzah" because "time is honeys." Posse Member 1 asks Posse Member 2, "Hey, yo, d'you think he's gonna hizzit the skizzins?" Wha'? I so miss Seth Green on Buffy. Will "Gates" Lichter puts his cronies on the roof of the house and tells them to expect him at 00:30 hours. No fears, he tells them; if he has to drink to blend in, he's got a guide printed from the web that'll tell him how much he can have without impairing his judgment. Meanwhile, the Jerk-Weed Jock Squad shows up at the party and the toadies greet their girlfriends, a cat pack that includes Ferretarentella (tm Manimal), only to be reminded by Mike "The Ringleader" Dexter about their "game plan." However, before any classhole action can be taken, a hush falls, stirred only by whispers of "Look!" and "I can't believe she came!" In walks a bushy-eyebrowed Jennifer Love Hewitt as Amanda, self-conscious and modest. Amanda, the poor, misunderstood, wronged Homecoming Queen whose future is undecided, and whose defining quote comes from Jewel (which is even more pathetic than having a defining quote from Tupac). Preston's face lights up, but she passes him by to greet her friends, the Cheerleaders (a.k.a. girlfriends of the Jock Squad). Mike ignores her, and the Jock Squad's girlfriends close around her in a viper's consoling embrace.
Can't Hardly Wait
Preston and Denise observe Kenny "Hope there's no full moon tonight" Fisher seducing himself in a mirror. Denise scoffs, and Preston rides her about being good friends with him in fourth grade. They waltz off to look for Preston's "Mandy." Denise points her out, and Preston freaks and "harness[es] [his] Chi" to calm down. Denise asks him if he was this weird when they went out, and Preston asks if she was this bitchy when they went out. Turns out they "went together" for a week in eighth grade. Could there be shades of Some Kind of Wonderful in their banter? Preston leaves Denise on her own to find Amanda. Amanda's talking to the Cheerleaders, who are trying to comfort her by comparing her relationship with Mike to Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow. They tell Amanda that she is "way prettier" than Gwyneth and "has way bigger [dinners]" to boot. Amanda excuses herself from their ravings when they proclaim Mike an asshole and shriek the word as though heralding a new discovery. As soon as Amanda is out of sight, the Cheerleaders rip her to shreds. Kenny "Wizard of Oz" Fisher puts on some yellow goggles and attempts, unsuccessfully, to bag some babes.
Will "Captain Kirk" Lichter oozes his way past Tara from Buffy and nonchalantly grabs a beer to blend in. Spewing said beer and announcing that it's "gone bad" foils his blending attempts, so he chugs. One of Kenny "Teen Wolf" Fisher's failed advances involves Veruca (the slut she-wolf from Buffy), who ends up making fun of him. By the by, does anyone realize that to the Brits a "veruca" is a wart? Just wondering. On his Amanda quest, Preston runs into some guy who insists on reliving, for old time's sake, all the embarrassing moments of Preston's high school history. Preston finally spies Amanda, perched on a couch arm and fiddling with a water bottle, and sidles over. Curses, foiled again! Preston's reminiscing friend finds him before he can make his move and relates a puke story in Amanda's hearing. A smarmy Eurotrash second cousin of Amanda's leads her away to offer words of comfort on her breakup. Kenny "Wolfman Jack" Fisher's posse corners him in the kitchen and questions his ability to seal his sex deal. Kenny gets mad, and Posse Member 1 shoves him back and says, "Man, you bettah recognize!" to which Kenny replies, "Why you all gotta waste my flavah? Damn!" I have no idea what any of that meant, but it totally cracked me up. Throughout the movie, we see that Mike, the King Jerk Weed, is being let down by the rest of the Jerk Weed jocks, who don't have any real intention of breaking up with their girlfriends -- seeing as how they can't seem to tear their tongues out of their girlfriends' throats.