The Time They Decided To Date

FOX congratulates Jennifer Love Hewitt and Calista Flockhart for their Peoples Choice Awards. Insert flatulent noise here.

For this episode, the powers that be have actually given us a reprieve from the perky vocals of Sarah or Romy. Instead of "okay, heres what you need to know," some unknown guy just says "previously on Time of Your Life." I guess they finally realized that theres such a thing as being toocutesy-tootsey. Now if they could just get rid of Sarah . . . So we get a recap of the Sarah-Spencer shut-out, J.B.s admission of love to Romy the Duck-Billed Platypus, Platypuss recriminations when she discovers J.B.s past life, and Maguire-Scraggle Rocks rejection (aint it sweet?) of Sarah.

Thats it, Ive had it. I thought this show had surpassed common decency before, but they really went to the outer limits tonight by defiling my favorite movie of all-time, Now, Voyager. Jennifer, allow me to let you in on a little secret: Bette Davis has more class, talent, and beauty ashing off her cigarette than you ever will, regardless of how many network executives you flash your dinners to. Anyway, back to the ep (regrettably). After the movie ends, Sarah looks around in distaste at all the other teary-eyed women.

Romy the Duck-Billed Platypus has decided to give her career some attention -- for a change -- and is visiting with the agent we never knew she had. Arnetta The Agent tells Platypus that shes going to have to let her go. The upshot is: a. Platypus is a talentless flake, and b. she is bringing in no money, so c. Arnetta doesnt want to waste her time. Platypus is stunned. How come Im not? Oh, and by the way? Get a clue, Jennifer Love Shrewitt -- it is going to take more than swiping Estelle The Agent characteristics from Friends to turn your paltry venture into one-millionth the success that show is.

scene is Joss brown-nosing and begging to get her job back at the bar. Boss-Man Mike holds firm.

Sarah explains to Platypus how it felt to be one of the many teary-eyed chicks in the movie theatre: "It was just me and twenty-five other women sitting there completely alone, and it occurred to me: they are me, I am them, we are one." As usual, Platypus has to quack forth with the challenge that she wins in the life-crisis category: "Hel-lo? Mine is so much worse. This was supposed to be the year I get my career into high gear and now I have no agent. Were what? Ten days into the New Year and already all of my resolutions are shot: career, exercise, diet. Shot. Maybe if I were in love..." Joss flounces up to join them and their pity-fest. She got her job back but not her old shift: "So now Im stuck working mostly days, which means sucky tips and having my nights free to contemplate the vast arid desert that is my love life," Joss complains. The Three Weird Sisters look over at a table and witness a happy couple kissing. Platypus tries to rouse them to action by saying they all have control of their lives and therefore can make them better: "Were attractive, eligible women in a city full of attractive, eligible men. How hard can it be to meet someone?" she asks. Joss asks her if she is being rhetorical. Platypus says they can make it into a competition, first one who gets kissed wins. Wins what? Weenie of the year? Joss scoffs that its too 1950s to make it a kissing competition and Sarah snipes back, "Oh, what do you want, Joss? The first one to contract an STD?" Platypus continues, as though Sarah never said anything (which is how I yearn to proceed through life), "The first one to get kissed and feel their pulse race." "Their palms sweat," Joss adds, getting into the mood. "Their arches itch," Sarah says. Platypus looks revolted and pushes the bowl of popcorn away from her: "Im in." "Im in," Joss agrees. They both look at Sarah, who says, "What the hell?" If shes going to be kissing people, then someone had better get her some Gold Bond Medicated Powder for her stanky, itchy arches.

Oh, look, new credits. Not. Gee, I wonder how much money JLH is paying Pauley Perrette for her three seconds on camera.

Joss walks into some dimly-lit room and is greeted by a woman she calls Lucy. Joss says she hasnt seen Lucy at the bar lately, and Lucy looks meaningfully at the other people around them. Joss says, "Oh, right." Lucy says, "I had no idea you were a fellow traveler," and Im just beginning to think that somehow Ive switched to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine when Joss whispers in Lucys ear, "Im not really an alcoholic." Oh. Never mind. Lucy tells her not to do that to herself, and Joss insists that shes really not someone who cant control herself -- shes just using an AA meeting to meet guys. Lucy cant believe her. Joss says, "I want a guy whos done the work on himself. You know? A guy whos already been through the bad stuff, whos on the upswing in his life. Priorities straight, problems solved." A preppy-looking professional gets up and does the AA introduction. His names Randall, and hes an alcoholic. Hi, Randall. Anyway, Randall gives a nice little speech about getting the best out of life because hes seen a purpose to life and he demands happiness. Joss is all ears and sits down to gaze.

Meanwhile, Sarah is on a manhunt (Im going on a manhunt . . . okay, never mind) of her own. She wanders through a laundromat and witnesses a guy with severe plumbers crack smacking a change machine around. Fragile, sensitive Sarah looks disconcerted, until she spies a "cute guy" to throw her basket of dirty underwear to. She smiles, saunters over, and proceeds to pull out and play with several garishly-colored, lacy dinner cups (you know, "bras"), in the most subtle way, of course. Aw, who am I kidding? Theres only one way to play with your bras and thats to be pathetically obvious. So, the camera gets a good shot of her DD cups, but hold the phone -- these cant be her cups, theyre padded! What. Ever. Cute Guy is fascinated until he looks at Sarahs face: "Whoa! Oh, for a second, I thought you were, uh -- you just look a lot like somebody that I -- well, actually my girlfriend." Sarah is downcast: "Oh." Cute Guy attempts to repair the damage: "My ex-girlfriend. Ex-ex." Sarah is triumphant: "Ah. Well, I see that youre having trouble with the water temperatures?" Here Sarah leans one hip against the washer, all the better to gaze suggestively into Cute Guys eyes. "Well, yeah, my girlfriend does the laundry. Uh, did," Cute Guy stutters. And you never did laundry on your own, oh, say, in college? I would have turned around right then and walked out, because a guy who hasnt done his own laundry ever probably also has a mother lurking around who thinks her son still drinks breast milk. But then, I know how to be an individual without needing a man to define me. Consequently, Sarah pursues this freak: "Oh, so how long have you gone without clean clothes, exactly?" she asks. "Thats hard to say. I dont know, I just keep buying underwear so I dont have to do my wash. Im up to thirty-two pairs," Cute Guy admits. "So thats roughly a month?" Sarah asks. "No, two months," Cute Guy corrects her, "I do the inside-out thing." Please excuse me while I go scrub myself down with Ajax and a Brillo pad. Sarahs now thinking the plumbers-crack guy is looking pretty good until Cute Guy redeems himself in her eyes with shallow flattery. "Thats good going, Walt, thats exactly the way to flirt with a pretty girl," Cute Guy (officially known as Walt) says to himself. Thats the earliest in an ep that weve ever found out a non-essentials name.

Meanwhile, Platypus is working it with her fight partner. "Chelsea, huh? I hear theres some good new restaurants there," she natters. ["I dont know if the writers expected non-Manhattanites to get that reference, but the fact that the guy lives in Chelsea probably means hes gay." -- Sars] "You wanna try resisting me a little bit?" is her partners response. "Wow, youre strong. You must work out, huh?" Platypus says this while feeling the forearm muscles of her partner. In this scene, Platypus looks really nappy and sweaty, with these tendril-wanna-be-hair-pieces hanging around her ears. Not attractive. Throughout this short conversation, Platypus and her fight partner are fake-throttling each other. Oh, I really could let my imagination run wild here. The class moves on to mock punch-throwing, and Platypus is still babbling, asking her partner if hed seen Shakespeare in the Park that summer. Meanwhile, the instructor is telling the class to speed things up and keep eye contact. Platypus continues to yammer incessantly: "Im also big on sporting events and I know most of the rules. So Im not like one of those girls whos always asking stupid questions. God, dont you just hate that?" Her partner nods as the instructor calls out, "Okay, real time. Good work, Ronnie." For some reason, Platypus thinks hes addressing her and, distracted, turns to say, "Really?" She turns back to her partner just in time to receive a genuine, non-fake punch smack-dab in the kisser. Her partner looks shocked, and so does the instructor, but deep down, you know they gotta be relieved.

Back at the bar, Sarah is talking to Walt about what kind of law he is studying. Hes explaining that it has to do with representing kids who have legal rights to benefits, aid, food stamps, and so forth but whose parents dont apply for them. Sarah acts like shes intrigued and listening, but actually shes annoyed that he hasnt bowed down to kiss her big, itchy arches. She giggles, "Wow, thats amazing!" Walt tells her she should come by the storefront (huh?) one day. Sarah giggles again and says, "Absolutely, its a date." Walt gives her a haunted look. Sarah asks whats wrong. Walt says, "Could you say that again?" Sarah says, "Its a date." Walt: "No, your voice did a little giggle thing the first time." Sarah, confused says: "Uh-huh?" "She used to use that phrase all the time. [Giggle.] Its a date. Its a date. [Giggle.] You sound exactly like her," Walt explains, imitating Sarah. Sarah mutters under her breath, "Your ex." Walt starts to get warmed up: "You know whats weird? The first time we went out was to a bar. And then for a second date, I took her to the zoo, do you like the zoo?" Sarah stammers, "I, I guess, sure..." The crazy music in the background starts to grow louder as Walt starts to rant, "She wore this red sweater, it was kind of sexy and tight. Maybe I could get one for you to wear, oh, and a ponytail and darker lipstick, she wore much darker lipstick --" Sarahs had enough of another woman taking up her spotlight, so she interrupts him, grabbing his arm: "Walt!"