The Time They Had Not

All right, I've already complained about the title of the episode in one of my forums, so I won't waste cramping my fingers over it. Suffice to say, it's the stupidest title they have come up with yet, and its had some pretty stiff competition. ["I thought they had Not! every week. Geddit?" -- Sars]

I actually thought that the voice-overs saying "here's what you need to know" would be clever at first, because you could get the recap from all the characters' different perspectives. I gave this show too much credit. The only vocal tones to which they have subjected us have been Romy's and Sarah's. Their perspectives are about as varied as two peoples' perspectives can be when they are exactly the same selfish, bitchy chick -- the only difference being their names and lip densities.

Sarah recaps for us this week. Her impossibly perky voice gives us a synopsis of Romy the Platypus trying to get JB the Gigolo into bed and failing, and Gigolo dumping Joan the Older Woman and "taking things slow" (where's the "ly"?!) with Platypus. About her own life, Sarah says, "Well, I dated Maguire for all of a New York minute." Correct me if I am wrong, but she doesn't sound too crushed that its over. Just last week she was mooning about on the now-clichd fire escape as though someone had told her the current ratings for TOYL.

Cecilia, who has been regrettably absent for the past several episodes, appears in the opening scene. Coughing, hacking, and acting generally TB-ridden, she comes slogging down the stairs and does her best to ignore Sarah, who is complaining in a loud, whiny voice that "the dryer is broken again. I lost, like, eight quarters." Wow, two whole dollars? Guess you won't be able to buy any more slinky dresses or cell phones or dinner-squeeze shirts or Audrey Hepburn attire. Cecilia goes on her phlegming way, and Sarah screeches, "Hello? Are you just going to ignore me?" Cecilia responds between juicy coughs, "Looks like it." Sarah cannot believe that her wondrous presence is getting the brush-off, and she squalls, "CECILIA!" one more time. God, I'd really begin to hate the sound of my own name if Jennifer Lurve Hewitt repeated it over and over again. Sarah flounces up to her apartment, ranting about Cecilia to Platypus, who is trying to close a stuck window. If its so cold outside, why was the window even open in the first place? Oh, right, I'm not supposed to pay attention to details like Sarah running around in just a tee-shirt and leather jacket complaining about the cold -- sorry. Sarah complains about only having twenty-seven dollars to last her until her paycheck, and that, although she is working two jobs, she can't afford to lose money in the dryer. I guess she should have been welcomed into the real world earlier, like before she gave up her Park Avenue job in the second episode. Platypus tells her that she has more bad news for her roommate: "I need the coat." It appears that our struggling career woman is so poor that she can't even afford her own coat, and has to share Platypuss coat. Stymied yet? I know that San Francisco is cold enough at certain times of the year to warrant at least one warmish item of outerwear -- it's not Malibu. But apparently, in TOYL-land, it is, because Sarah has no coat of her own and is told by Platypus that she'll have to "layer." For this purpose, Platypus graciously offers the use of three of her sweaters. I guess they don't sell sweaters in San Francisco either -- just cropped, dinner-tight tops. Sarah complains, "But it's Saks and I have to look professional!" Platypus retorts, condescendingly, "You're Christmas help, they don't care if you show up in a trash bag just as long as you smile and act perky." Do I even have to say it? Everyone out there knows, all too well, that Sarah can act perky.

At Saks, Sarah struggles under a mountain of pink bath robes and drops them on a table in front of on older, professional looking woman. "Okay, ten robes," Sarah says breathlessly. The woman is not pleased, "No, no, no. Terrycloth, Sarah, these are chenille. The client wants the logo embroidered on the left-hand pocket." Sarah argues, "Yeah, I know, but these are the same price and you can embroider it discreetly on the sleeve because, let's face it, no one wants --" The woman interrupts her: "Sarah, I am the personal shopper with fifteen years experience, you are the assistant with fifteen minutes. 'Assistant' derives from the word 'assist,' as in to help, as in to do what you are told. Do you see how that works?" I think Sarah has found a boss who equals her in being a sugar-coated bitch. Ah, the sweet taste of vindication. A trendy-looking blonde walks over and says, "Pauline, I need your ear." This must be one of Pauline, Personal Shopper Extraordinaire's clients. Trendy blonde says she doesn't like the airplane clocks Pauline picked out for Christmas gifts. Pauline explains that "retro is in -- a magazine like Jody will look hip giving them out." Trendy Blonde says, "In theory, but these gifts are for our Internet division. You know, guys with international clocks on their laptops? We really need to come up with something, I don't know, better?" Man, the holidays really do bring out the nasty in everyone. Of course, Sarah, prodigy at every task she takes on, pipes up with a suggestion, "Well, how about a Palm Pilot? You know, one of those electronic gizmos to help organize your life." Pauline glares at Sarah: "Assist, Sarah, remember?" Didn't anyone ever tell Sarah that it's a really bad career move to make your boss look bad? But Trendy Blonde likes Sarah's suggestion: "But that's perfect. I also have to get twenty-five gifts for our freelance writers. Thoughts?" Again, Sarah comes shining through, "Pewter typewriter paperweights? Whoo, that's hard to say!" she suggests, and smiles self-deprecatingly. Pewter typewriter paperweights? Oh, yes, pewter typewriter dust-catchers. Who even uses paperweights anymore, except to clutter up their desks? Dear Santa: Don't send me anything Sarah-Elf picks out, ever. Her taste sucks. Love, keckler. And while were on the subject of Sarah's gift suggestions, let me just say that no magazine in my experience has enough money to shell out $350 per person for Palm Pilots. Unless, of course, that magazine's Christmas wish is to file for Chapter 11. Trendy Blonde, though, is thrilled with Sarah: "You know, Pauline, you've obviously got a lot on your plate, and you seem to have trained Sarah really well. So, do you mind if I borrow her to take care of our account?" Sarah, with stars in her eyes, says, "Me?" Trendy Blonde says, "I've got a twenty thousand-dollar budget and three days to spend it, want to go shopping?" Sarah giggles and they walk off together while Pauline struggles to keep the robes from falling to the floor.

Opening crud-its. Sarah falling, Sarah calling, Sarah swinging, Sarah dancing. Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah. The word has lost all meaning.

Platypus and JB the ex-Gigolo are jogging together. JB is trying to get Platypus, who has her hair done up in two pathetic pigtails, to talk: "This is cool...running together...gives us a chance to talk...get to know each other...like you said we should...want to pitch in here?" Platypus says she likes watching him work for it. JB asks what the squishing sound is, and Platypus says "Damn socks. The dryer in my building is -- long story." Just a question -- if JB lives across the street, why doesn't she just use his dryer? I used to haul my laundry across the river to my fianc's dorm because it saved me about ten dollars every time to do my wash over there. Platypus suggests they play "Favorites." "I say 'favorite movie' and you have to answer it, that's the rule," she says. JB responds, "Easy, T2." "Okay, that's revealing," Platypus says. JB asks what Platypus's favorite song is, and Platypus tries dodge-answering by saying, "Pass." JB won't let her get away with it and says, "Wait, I thought you said you have to answer it?" Platypus says, "Yeah, but you'll laugh and I'll have to kill you." They stop running and stretch. JB says, "Rules are rules, and besides, I'll bug you until you tell me." Platypus gives in, "All right, when I was like, nine, my parents had this Donny Osmond album. The one with 'Go Away Little Girl' [how fitting is that?] on it. Anyway, I would crank the song so I could hear it out on the porch and I would go out and dance with this poster I had of Scott Baio." JB laughs. Platypus says coyly, "I can't believe I just told you that." JB says, "Are you kidding, I love that you told me that, and just so you know, I will use that against you." Platypus pouts, "That's not fair. Give me something on you, and make it juicy." JB kisses her instead. Platypus says, "JB, when I said juicy --" He interrupts her with another kiss. Platypus protests that she thought they were going to take it slow. JB says, "How about we take it medium?" and Platypus suggests that they run instead.

Sarah is doing the shopper thing with Trendy Blonde, who guesses Sarah's from California. Sarah is surprised: "San Francisco, actually, why?" Trendy Blonde tells her that she didn't hear "the Fargo thing" so she knew Sarah wasn't from the Midwest, and she didn't think Sarah was the Southern-belle type, so of course it had to be California. Gee, want to try out any more stereotypes? I'd like to add for the record that (a) Fargo is in North Dakota and NOT Minnesota like people assume, and (b) I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I lived there for over twenty years, and I don't do "the Fargo thing." Furthermore, none of my friends or family does either, and the only time I have heard that accent is in the movies or on TV. Get over the Fargo thing -- it is old, it is tired, and it is annoying as hell. Sarah tries to guess where Trendy Blonde is from. She guesses Chicago (which is in the Midwest, so I don't know why she guessed it, since TB doesn't have the Fargo accent either) and Maine. She is wrong both times. Apparently, TB is from Boone, Iowa. Sarah and TB laugh, because Iowa is funny. Do I need to mention that Iowa's yet another Midwestern state? Sarah marvels at the fact that someone out of Iowa was able to achieve the position of Assistant Editor at Jody (which we can assume is supposed to stand in for Jane). TB explains that she was living with three roommates in a one-bedroom, fifth-floor walk-up, and she took a job as a "sprayer." No, it's not someone who sprays dogs and cats for fleas, although I made the same mistake. You know, it's one of those annoying people who accosts shoppers with foul-smelling perfumes. Apparently, Jody herself walked in one day and asked for TB's opinion, TB gave it, and Jody offered her an internship. Snap, just like that. Puh-lease. To snag a line from one of my fellow writers at MBTV, "Help! One of my eyes is stuck in the back of my head!" So what's the lofty Assistant Editor at Jody doing taking care of the company's shopping? That's what underlings like me are for. TB and Sarah admire some watches and decide they would be good for the models. Sarah comments that they are "pricey." TB reminds her of the $20,000 she has to play with. Sarah says, "Right, let's start spending!" TB tells her that she has to run and asks Sarah to pick out thirty and have them individually wrapped. She asks Sarah to bring them by the office the day, "And I'll sneak out, we'll go for cawfee." If she starts talking about being verklempt, I'm handing in my resignation to Sars.

It looks as though we are doubly lucky tonight, because not only do we get Cecilia, we get Joss as well. Joss is straightening up her apartment, complaining that her sister is an hour late. Scraggle tries to calm her down. From their conversation, it sounds like Casey, Joss' sister, is a bit of a screwy dame, because Scraggle says, "Hey, maybe she joined the Hari Krishnas at the airport. Wouldn't be the first time." Joss says, "They weren't Hari Krishnas, they were -- never mind. It didn't last." Scraggle comments that nothing with Casey lasts. Joss says, "Hey, maybe she's coming home because she wants to tell us in person she's getting married or she got a great new job, or maybe she just wants to be with her family for the holidays." That would be a first for characters on this show. Scraggle looks unconvinced. Joss concedes, "Okay, okay, but maybe it's something good." Scraggle comments, "Or from another planet." There's a knock, and Joss lets Casey in, who says upon entering, "Look, I know I'm late but La Guardia was insane." Yeah, what was Joss complaining about, anyway? La Guardia airport, or any airport for that matter (even a Midwestern one), during the holidays is not conducive to keeping a tight schedule. The sisters hug, and each comments on how great the other looks. Casey kisses Scraggle and tells him he's looking as good as ever, and then says she's going to barf and asks for Saltines, right before complaining how hot the apartment is. Pregnant much? Joss doesn't get it until she comments on how fat Casey has gotten: "Ooh, you've been eating a lot more than crackers!" Casey says, "It's not permanent." Joss, still not clueing in, says, "What, it's just going to fall off?" Casey rubs her stomach (do all pregnant women have to do that?) and says, "May tenth, that's when I'm due." Joss and Scraggle exchange looks. Casey goes on, "And before you ask, that son of a bitch Trey was stepping out on me, so I kicked his bony butt to the curb." Joss just stares at her.

A sweaty and stringy-haired Cecilia is coughing it up in the doctor's office. "So, I'm radioactive now, right?" she asks. The doctor puts up a chest x-ray: "Well, your white blood count is up to thirty-four thousand. Normal is ten thousand or below and here, these white patches? That shows areas of harm on both of your lungs. You have pneumonia, I want to admit you to the hospital." Cecilia shakes her head, panicked, "No, Doc, you can't admit me!" The doctor looks concerned, telling her, "You need to be on a strong dose of IV antibiotics. This fever is nothing to fool around with, especially given your medical history." Let me just assure you now that this cryptic comment regarding Cecilia's medical history is never explained in this whole episode. Cecilia asks if she can't just get pills or a prescription or something, but the doctor tells her that her pneumonia can't be fought with pills and says, "Besides, you have insurance." Cecilia protests again, "Yeah, but the deductible is enough to make you sick." The doctor offers, "Well, there are installment plans." Cecilia says that it still takes money and she doesn't have any, and she asks if theres anything else the doctor can do. The doctor says she can give her a shot of antibiotic and some samples, but he warns her that if she still has the fever the day, starts coughing up blood, or feels any shortness of breath, she must get to a hospital immediately. Again, where are these people's parents who are supposed to buy them warm coats if they are broke or help them with hospital bills if they are close to death? At the very least, I expected Dr. Carter to walk in and tell her that they will surreptitiously admit her to the hospital without letting her insurance company know, and that Nurse Hathaway will give her free antibiotics.