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Well, Omar G. had to flee to the nation's capital for "management training," so he asked me to step in this week on America's best night of television that isn't Thursday, Wednesday, or Tuesday. I type, and Omar "trains." He didn't say what he's learning to manage. It could be tattoo management for all we know.
Last time on Third Watch, Bosco got reamed out by the new sergeant, Sully got ass from a Ukranian temptress, Faith got to hug her kids, and Kim got nostalgic for quieter days. I got to the final level of "Super Mario Bros. 3" on Nintendo. Then I got an e-mail from my mother asking what, indeed, my life has become.
At 5 PM in New York City, the Goodyear Blimp is providing NBC with aerial footage of busy streets because, well, that XFL contract isn't terribly lucrative and the pilots need to put food on the table. Doc and Carlos are tending to a panting man who collapsed on the street corner. They reassure him it wasn't a stroke, but the man still wants to know if he's dying. "We're all dying, sir," Carlos says, teeming with ineptitude. Carlos, I think I see a small child across the street with a dog -- perhaps you could point out that even fluffy puppies can be killers. The man continues to pant, and explains he's nervous because he's due to give a speech that evening. Doc helpfully points out that he's hyperventilating. The actor playing Panting Man is Michael Sabatino, who has done time on Days of our Lives. He looks a bit haggard -- not like when he was in his prime and his evil aunt buried the love of his life alive and piped audio into the coffin.
Bosco and Faith pull up at the streetcorner. He's hungry for Chinese chicken, and oddly, he doesn't mean that as some tacky epithet for a woman. "I'm missing my daughter's birthday because you're jonesing for Chinese chicken?" Faith barks. Bosco contends this is damn good chicken, and they bicker. It turns out Faith was denied time off for the party because Sgt. Doogie Bateman is a festering asshole and is making Bosco miserable by pissing off Faith.
As Doc and Carlos finish working with Panting Man, Faith and Bosco approach and make sure everything is fine. Panting Man insists he doesn't need hospital treatment, and that's good enough for Bosco: "I got a date with Chinese chicken." Wait, maybe it is a euphemism. Doc and Carlos pack up the ambulance, and Doc begins to radio the dispatcher to alert them of their whereabouts. Suddenly, a homeless woman hails them and begs that they follow her down an alley. Faith uses her deductive reasoning to determine that this might be a "situation," and she gestures for Doc, Carlos, and Bosco to follow her. Bosco is hungry. On so very many levels.
The homeless woman explains that her coffee date didn't come upstairs for their regular outing today. She opens a makeshift door to reveal a staircase that goes three flights down into the bowels of the city, and explains that the man lives down there. Shrugging, Carlos and Doc head downstairs with Yokas while Bosco balks. "I'm going in that filth because some grapehead missed his coffee date with Sophia Loren here?" he smirks. Webster, having backed off during Omar's three-week Bosco sympathy stretch, redistributes all the new dictionaries that feature Bosco's photo under "boorish." He taunts the homeless woman, asking if the coffee date is her lover with whom she'll breed hobo children and have saucy, hot, nightly rolls in the mud. "You're so clever with the jokes about street people," she deadpans wearily. "Maybe later, you can regale me with jokes about the handicapped. Children are especially fun." Score one for her. Bosco stares blankly. "Regale?" he asks. Oh, my -- score two for the homeless woman. No, wait, I think that's game, set, and match. Instead of telling Bosco that "regale" means "fuck off, pig," the woman just stares into the darkness of the underground tunnel that so uncannily resembles Bosco's brain.
Carefully, Yokas, Doc, and Carlos descend the stairs -- Bosco later follows, as Faith has yelled for his flashlight -- and joke about some nutcase who claimed to be the Lindbergh baby. A lame riff follows that is supposed to show Bosco is somewhat stupid. Nice. On what planet is this mystery man, potentially dead or freezing in an underground lair, worthy of a four-person rescue squad? If I drop a dollar between the seats of my car, can I call 911? Bosco bitches that rats are crawling everywhere. Doc shines his light on a strange throne-type chair made of pots, pans, cobwebs, and cushions, and discovers a pallid, immobile, elderly man sitting there. Instead of checking his pulse, they proceed with a highly scientific test to ascertain his well-being -- questions include "Are you okay?" and "Will you raise your hand if you want our help?" Getting no answer, the benevolent posse decides to leave him alone, because dead men belong with the rats and that's just the way life is, man.
Suddenly, Faith hears a noise. At her urging, two hoods -- we know this because they're in skull caps -- emerge from the shadows and rather intelligently telegraph their guilt by shoving their hands deep into their pockets and exchanging furtive glances. Everyone is tense. "Geez, this is bad, man," says Ruffian. "Bad," agrees Hooligan. Good. That's settled. Suddenly, they pull out weapons and Faith screams for everyone to draw. Oooh, a face-off. Faith warns them not to shoot, the closed-captioners give Bosco a line that neither he nor anyone else ever actually utters, and Ruffian shoots. Gunfire blazes and Hooligan and Ruffian escape up the first flight of stairs and slam a metal door. A textbook police maneuver -- in the textbook of Suck. Faith kicks the door in frustration and realizes it's locked. "We should've just gone to get chicken," pouts Bosco. Why, hello Physics. Kind of you to join us, but what are you doing here so early? "Just watch," Physics says. And sure enough, an angry, Faith shoots at the metal door -- and Doc, standing behind her and to the left, clutches his abdomen and crumples.
A Rock and a Hard Place
Credits. This cast seems really large to me, for some reason. That might be due to the fact that my last regular gig, Deadline, involved recapping Oliver Platt and then a few other people who changed week to week.
After the credits, the gang flocks to Doc's side -- Faith's bullet, made of metal, has indeed bounced off the door, also metal, and into Doc's stomach, which is decidedly unmetallic. Physics winks at me and dances like a gloater who's just eaten a bologna and melted-gloat sandwich with gloat-flavored potato chips. Doc is lying on garbage bags full of soda cans. Faith totally freaks and Doc snaps at her for shooting him, and you know, he's got a point. Yokas remembers the homeless woman and figures she'll know they're trapped, but her hopes are dashed by a sheepish Bosco. He doesn't relay his snide exchange with her, but nonetheless gets across that the woman would really enjoy (a) pouring coffee down one of Bosco's orifices, or (b) leaving them there to rot. Slowly, they start to realize it could be ages before anyone notices their absence. Bosco decides to look for a crowbar, ideally so someone can use it to bash in his thick skull, and he stumbles upon a big honkin' stash of heroin. Using every deductive reasoning skill in his possession, Bosco announces that the drugs must belong to the two thugs from the earlier shootout. Way to go, Bosco! That G.E.D. is well within reach, buddy. He and Faith then decide to hunt for an alternate escape route, leaving Carlos to doctor Doc, because he can see he's burning, burning. Oh my God, I've channeled the Thompson Twins. Bosco acts skittish about the darkness.
Doc bravely says he'll be fine and silently rejoices that the "Brave Little Camper" trophy is now officially a lock -- until Carlos confesses that he didn't have time to call the dispatcher, so the station is unaware that they're missing and wouldn't know where to look anyway. That puts Doc in a sour mood. That, and all the blood flowing from his body.
At the office, Sully gets assigned to security duty for a Wu Tang Clan concert. Whatever. I think this is supposed to showcase distaste for Sully and Bosco -- who also gets nominated for a crap assignment -- but the whole thing is confusing and pointless. Just like a circular pencil.
At the firehouse, a Dalmatian wonders where the other hundred went and "Never the Same Girl Twice" plays on the stereo -- which is fine, but a waste, as Bosco isn't even in this scene. Kim is cleaning the refrigerator, Bobby stares at the alarm and silently wishes it would blare, and the entire staff goes a little stir-crazy. Someone mentions Carlos and Doc being missing-in-action. Jimmy, who just misses action, thinks they're fair game for some healthy pranking. "What are you gonna do, screw all their girlfriends?" mutters Alex under her breath. Kim grins. Aw. It's When Fantasies Collide. Jimmy talks about house hunting with his absent wife, and Alex tries to deflect an eager Bobby and his grand ideas about romantic dinner plans for the night. To get away, she grabs the guy who's been winning the headstand contests and tells him she's ready to play. He calls her "the final frontier," and while Bobby fantasizes about her front, Alex accepts the challenge.