By Omar G
Previously: I cried like a waifish figure skater whose long-time husband and skating partner died of cancer because last week's Faith Yokas episode was that good. Jimmy told Kim he's getting married. Ty tried to set Sully up with a single woman because Sully is a lonely, lonely man. Bobby and Alex kissed because she said he mothers people, and that must turn her on.
Beautiful strings of lights lead us in to a swingin' party. It's Jimmy's pre-nuptials. Alex, in a slinky black top and tousled Meg Ryan hair, passes by Jimmy and she says this must beat the best hotel room in Atlantic City. Jimmy, in full view of Brooke, says that Brooke laid down the law: No bachelor party. We will soon see the folly of saying no to a bachelor party for Jimmy The Lothario. "I'm not stupid," Brooke says. Riiiigggghhht, Brooke. Just blind. Another firefighter, Lombardo, comes up with his blonde bombshell girlfriend and introduces her around. She gives Jimmy a big hug and says she can't believe he's getting married. No, she really can't believe he's getting married. Like, can't believe it to the point that she may soon be tempted to have sex with him in the bathroom. Not that I want to spoil anything. I mean, the show just started. Anything could happen. Jimmy gives the girlfriend a squinty smile. Brooke asks Jimmy if he wants to dance and he says no, he's still getting a little loose. By "loose," he means his belt. Alex tells Jimmy that Brooke is great. "She's all right," he says. He sounds like he even means it.
Outside, Sully and Doc are checking out an overturned carriage, where a horse was spooked by kids throwing rocks. People were crushed underneath the carriage. Sully makes a pessimistic comment about humanity and the holidays.
At the party, Alex and Bobby slip away to an upper level to be alone. Alex is playful and flirtatious, not at all like the no-fun lady we were first introduced to. She talks about King Kong and the flirtatious banter is not exactly stellar or witty here. Especially coming from Bobby, who is most banteriffic when he's not talking.
Back at the horse accident. Yokas complains that it's not right for a horse to be laid out bleeding. The owner says the horse is twenty-four years old and was close to retirement. Oh, what is this, a buddy cop movie with someone three days from retirement. Please go to Amazon.com and One-Click-Order me a break. Yokas says the horse is in a lot of pain and if there's anything they can do. "You want me to shoot him?" Bosco asks from behind everyone. Everyone turns around and yells, "No!" Wonk, wonk, wonk...
Wedding party: Alex is hurriedly walking down the hall. She goes into the Ladies' and finds...somebody humping a blonde (Lombardo's girlfriend) on the bathroom counter. Like in a Cinemax movie. Alex giggles and turns back and says, "Sorry!" She thinks it's hilarious. She waits outside and looks tipsy and amused. Lombardo's girlfriend comes out with her little purse and little slinky Phoebe-from-Friends purple dress She saunters off as Alex mutters, "Sorry." Alex saucily knocks on the door and says, "Come on, Lombardo, I have to go!" No answer. She knocks again. Jimmy opens the door. He looks like a kid who has been caught with his hand stealing the heroin that lies under the cookies. Alex looks as if she's been punched in her rock-hard abs. She is stunned. Jimmy walks past her. We go to opening credits.
My feminine side calls me on the phone.
Omar's Feminine Side: What the hell?
Omar: Ummm...
Omar's Feminine Side: It's not enough that you men have to be slobbish, control the car radio and leave the child birthing to women. You have to cheat too!?!
Omar: Ummm...We don't all cheat. I mean, there's Doc and Sully and...
Omar's Feminine Side: They barely have women! Doc is lucky some doctor took pity on his real-estate-job-wanting-ass and Sully couldn't get a date at a Chubby Chasers Who Favor Policemen Convention!
Omar: Uhhhh...
Omar Feminine Side: So what do you have to say for yourself? What is wrong with you men!?!
Omar: Ummm...commercials are over.
Lombardo and his slut...er, "date" are grabbing champagne. Because she's not sauced up enough. Lombardo is making a toast. He asks the "two lovebirds" to come up front, which is interesting because it is Jimmy's woodpecker that threatens to doom the relationship. Lombardo's speech should be this: "I toast Jimmy, without whose wayward loins my girlfriend might not be completely sexually satisfied tonight. I thank you. And Brooke, neither of them has any major diseases. I know a clinic. You'll be fine." Instead, he blabs about how Brooke puts up with Jimmy (if only he knew) and how they should be happy. Meanwhile, Alex is shooting "Die in Hell, Ho!" death rays from her eyes at Lombardo's girlfriend, who looks as if she may not be able to process what the dirty look means. Everybody toasts and drinks. Alex just stares at Lombardo's girlfriend with her best nasty Deborah Harry look. Jimmy gives a speech starting with, "God knows I'm not perfect." Then we get a shot of Alex pursing her lips again. Jimmy says Brooke makes him laugh and that she's the best thing that ever happened to him. You know, when Brooke smiles really big, it's a little scary. Alex lifts her glass bitterly as Brooke and Jimmy kiss.
Locker room. Yokas posits the notion that because it gets darker earlier in the winter, it feels like they're doing double shifts. Sully says that the Vernal Equinox isn't until March. He talks about seasonal depression. And how he gets grumpy in the winter. "More than usual?" Yokas asks.
After the party. Bobby and Alex are leaving. She's got her pouty attitude back. Bobby asks what's up, assuming that it's about him. They're in a lift that looks like the one people have sex on in movies like Fatal Attraction. She says she saw something she shouldn't have and now she's messed up about it. Bobby acts like a baby and says, "Fine, don't tell me." Alex tells him, but he can't tell anyone. Bobby says, "What? Are you sure?" Alex says Jimmy had a cute butt. She says she doesn't plan to say anything. Bobby giggles.
Cruiser. Ty complains because Sully didn't bring the newspaper like he usually does. Sully says the woman he usually buys it from wasn't there today. Sully says you have to have loyalty: You can't just buy a paper from somewhere else.
In a hardware store, Jack Klugman is raspily debating with the store manager, who says that the former Odd Couple guy tried to steal a hammer. Sully remembers that he knows the guy: it's Stan. But not the one from the Eminem song. The store manager bitches about whether they're going to arrest the guy. Sully says he's not arresting Stan. They leave.
In the ambulance, Bobby asks Kim what she thinks about the whole wedding thing. She figures out that something happened. "I can't," Bobby says. Kim figures out that it was Jimmy. Because he will always have a crush on Kim, he tells her. But not before she guesses that Jimmy hit on Alex. "No!" Bobby says. Ha ha. It would have been funny if that had actually happened.
Sully, Ty, and Stan arrive at a house that looks as if a Hallmark store threw up on it. All sorts of chimes and Christmas decorations adorn the front. Sully says that he used to bring Ty and his father there and Ty would stand around singing Christmas carols. Ty doesn't quite believe it. Stan blows a kiss to an older woman sitting inside the house and looking blankly through the window. A middle-aged man comes out of the house wearing a suit. He's Stan's son. He says he was looking for Stan. Stan bitches at the man, saying that he doesn't need to explain himself and he wants to be alone. "I can't do this anymore, Pop," the son says. Uh, oh, I smell a nursing home debate. Father and son fight in front of Sully. Son realizes that Dad left the car somewhere. "He's not supposed to be driving," the son says. Stan says he's staying at home with the son's mother. The son wants him to take a tour of a nursing home. Stan/Klugman isn't down with that. After Stan goes in, slamming the door behind him, Sully reminisces about how Stan used to keep a picture of his son when he was in the Marines and how much he used to brag about the son. You know, for a crusty grouch, Sully sure gets sentimental. The son talks about how his dad always told him to be independent and live by your own means. Which I guess means he doesn't want to live in a nursing home.
Weird accident: a woman tried to hold up a cap and after an accident, shoots herself. Alex makes a reference to the Darwin Awards. Doc tells Jimmy he'll definitely make the wedding even though he missed the party. Kim asks Jimmy if he missed her at the party. "Just kidding," she says quickly. Jimmy spots Kim telling Bobby, "What? I didn't say anything?" Because she's an idiot. Jimmy goes to Alex and asks if she's said anything about her catching him doing that thing with that one person at that one party in that one room. Alex says no.
I'm already bored with this Sully storyline. Sully finds Stan at a diner. They talk about the olden days when Stan owned a shoe-repair shop. Stan worked there forty-seven years. That's a lot of sole. Sully bitches about his narrow shoes. Stan takes a look, sticking his hand inside Sully's nasty, funky shoe. No wonder he sounds so raspy. Sully offers to pay for Stan's meal. Stan refuses. As they walk out, Sully realizes that Stan doesn't quite know where he is. Sully looks concerned. They walk to Stan's house.
The Family Man looks so bad I can't even think of anything terrible to say about it. Oh, wait: Nicolas Cage is in it. That should be enough for you not to go see it.
So sad: Sully is at home in his lonely bachelor pad, getting dressed while Rosie O'Donnell is on TV. If that's not a wake-up call to go through the personal ads, I don't know what is. He anal-rententively arranges his kitchen tabletop the way he wants it before grabbing the trash and taking it out with him. On his way out, he runs into a woman coming in. She is dark-haired, with a cute accent, and exotic. Awww, c'mon Sully! Ask her out! No, of course not. He has an elderly old man to hang out with. You know, Sully, this could be Titans, but you're turning it into Tuesdays With Morrie. Sully puts out the trash and walks down the street, his shoe squeaking. Later on, he's walking and sees that his favorite newsstand is still closed.
Doc and Kim are in the bunk room, talking. Kim is bitching about men. Doc asks where it's coming from. Kim says she has a secret. Doc says he doesn't want to know. Except that he does. Kim tells him. Oh, I get it. "Look at all these rumors, surrounding me every day...I just need some time, some time to get away." Man, I love that song. "He is such a jerk," Kim says. Carlos walks in and thinks they're talking about him. What follows is a too-long scene with Carlos thinking they're talking behind his back. It's not cute and it's not funny. In fact, Carlos should be the victim of a bad accident that will render him mute for the rest of the season. Carlos hears about the Jimmy thing. "Wow, that guy's a machine," he says, impressed. Alex walks in. Then Jimmy. Then Lombardo. Lombardo and Jimmy do some guy talk. Carlos comes up behind Jimmy and says, "Right on, man." Wonk, wonk, wonk...
Sully and Ty in the car. They're still talking about how it's getting so dark early. Sully bitches about how much he paid for a pack of gum because he went to a new newsstand. They talk about what might have happened to "Lucky," Sully's old newsstand lady. Sully and Ty get a call and they roll on.
Vandals are trashing poor Stan's Christmas extravaganza! They're kicking with the boots and the legs and the Jerry Lewis voice and the -- LADY! Sorry, that was uncalled for. Klugman runs out, raspily yelling at them. One of them socks him in the stomach with a big candy cane. Stupid poetic justice. As the cops arrive, the teens run off nonchalantly like they don't even care that a buff six-foot, seven-inch police officer is about to chase them. While Ty chases, Sully goes to check on Stan. Stan's pissed. He's yelling and wheezing. Doc is there and starts checking out Stan. Stan is upset about the holiday scene. "It was perfect!" he wheezes. Ty brings back one of the teens. "Little slow-ass," he says.
Inside the Stan pad, Stan is being examined by Doc and Alex, who is on a paramedic shift. A silent woman sits in the corner. Doc says Stan only got the wind knocked out of him. Doc wants to take him to the hospital. Stan refuses. He gets up, goes to the older woman, and talks to her about some presents he got. He tells Sully that he still does the thing where he takes gifts to unfortunate kids in the neighborhood. Then he asks if his wife isn't the most beautiful girl in the world. Awwww. He's the most lovable raspy older guy since...well, Jack Klugman. Sully nods, smiling.
Yokas and Bosco walk the street. Carlos pulls up. He tells Yokas and Bosco about the Jimmy thing. "He's a role model," Carlos says wistfully. Yokas says that Carlos might not be saying that if the roles were reversed. Bosco and Carlos look at her stupidly. "Yep, infidelity. It's an equal-opportunity employer, boys," she says. They finally get her and then they feel all bad. Faith continues to be my hero. She makes me laugh and cry and feel like a little girl who wants a pony. You rock, Faith Yokas. I tip my glass to thee. Now buy me a pony.
Alex and Doc are in the ambulance. She's going over her Christmas list and realizes she has to buy twenty-seven gifts. For who? All the people you don't talk to when you start a new job? Doc says he only has about six and he can do it all online. Alex says, "Really?" like she's never heard of the "In-Ter-Net." "You get nice stuff online?" she asks. Doc asks whether she's planning on going to the wedding. "Should be very nice if it actually happens," Doc chuckles. Alex gives him a suspicious look, but before she can ask what he meant, they get called to a scene.
They're at Stan's house. Smoke is coming out the windows. They can't open the front door. Alex goes around to the side and starts climbing through a window. With no mask and no equipment. Smart. What are you going to do, spit at the fire? As she looks for people in the house, Stan walks down the stairs, his hand and his head on fire. Alex grabs him, puts her jacket on him and tries to pat out the fire. Holy flaming Jack Klugman! He pants and wheezes, "I gotta get back! I gotta get back to my wife upstairs!"
Outside, Sully and Jimmy and the rest arrive. Doc says Alex went inside. Smoke is everywhere. Jimmy pulls out his axe, the one that doesn't sleep with his best friend's girl. Sully looks up sadly. "God...Stan," he says. God says, "Stan is a nice name. I'll take it under consideration."
Ladders go up. Kim arrives to look pouty. Alex comes out of the house, coughing. Firefighters help Stan out. He's struggling, calling out for his wife, Gail. Doc yells that Gail is upstairs and that she's a stroke victim who can't walk. "Let me go!" Stan wheezes, "I promised her!" I get chills. Alex is about to run back in, but Doc tells her to stay put. She does. Gail is finally brought out. She's unconscious. Doc and Alex look her over. Doc shakes his head. It's too late. Jimmy tells Alex it's not very smart going in without oxygen and a mask. "You would have done the same thing," she tells him, and she is so right. Doc unfolds a sheet to put over the woman. Alex, bitter, says there should be a law about excessive Christmas lights. While they're talking, Ty asks Alex if she heard about the Jimmy thing. She looks mad and walks off. Fight! Fight! Go hurt Bobby!
Hospital. Hey, where's Morales? Stan looks pretty bad. Alex walks out into the hall and sees Kim and Bobby. She confronts Bobby. He lies at first, but then admits that he might have said something to Kim. Alex asks Kim if she can talk to her.
Stan's son shows up, understandably upset. He walks up to Sully and then is led away. Sully stares into the exam room, very sadly.
Later on, Sully does a Columbo taking a flashlight to Stan's house and trying to make some sense of the tragedy. He finds an open trunk full of the Christmas gifts Stan had bought. Sully grabs the bag and takes it with him. Somebody should be calling Neighborhood Watch.
Neighborhood store. Sully and Doc are comparing notes about the old neighborhood. Turns out Doc knew "The Shoe Guy" from the old days. Sully is still sad. Big surprise. Sully says it was ten years since the shop closed up. "That long ago?" Doc asks. Yeah, we get it, you guys feel old.
The weight room at the fire station. Alex is working out. Jimmy walks in as she's bent over and doing elbow lifts. No, Jimmy, it's not an invitation. Sexy music is playing, though. Jimmy apologizes for putting Alex in an awkward position. "I made a stupid mistake. I do stupid things," he says. He says he was just going to the bathroom and Lombardo's woman walked in behind Jimmy. "You don't owe me an explanation," Alex says. Jimmy admits that he has a problem. He says he's trying not to be that guy anymore. He loves Brooke. He messed up. He's got a problem. Blah blah blah, infidelitycakes. "Please don't ruin this for me," he tells Alex. She looks conflicted.
In Stan's hospital room, Sully comes in. He says he brought a milkshake, but Stan can't drink it. Bummer. He asks if Stan needs a radio to listen to the Knicks. Stan struggles and finally talks without the oxygen mask. Sully says Stan was brave to try to save his wife. "It's not the way we planned," Stan says sadly, almost crying. "We wanted to go together." Sully figures it out. "What are you saying, Stan? You were never going to go to the nursing home, were you?" Sully figures out that Stan started the fire. Stan sadly says that he lay down beside his wife, he held her very close. She fell asleep. "I couldn't think of what else to do," he says while the sad Third Watch tinkly music plays. No. You are not going to make me cry two weeks in a row. No.
Omar's Feminine Side: Cry, you dumb male bastard!
Omar: No!
Omar's Feminine Side: Cry, bitch-boy!
Omar: No!
I win. No crying. Stan's son walks in, upset that Sully is there. Sully moves to leave. "You're not family," Bitter Son (who is actually played by Dan Lauria, the dad from The Wonder Years), says. Hey, what the hell did Sully do to deserve this? Anybody else think that Dan Lauria and Sully are long lost twin brothers? Sully apologizes. He says it's not Bitter Son's fault. Bitter Son says that the only way he could have prevented it was if they had been somewhere else (read: a nursing home). He says Sully had some part in that. Sully walks outside the exam room and looks sad. Hey, Sully, you should check out some web personals. Ask Doc -- he seems to have the web hookup.
I am so amazingly addicted to that "Get Together Games" commercial. That song makes me groove. ["Former 7th Heaven recapper and current Sars brother Mr. Stupidhead did a remix of that song. It rules." -- Wing Chun] The trailer for Proof of Life however, does not, even with the U2 song.
Sully bangs on the metal covering the newsstand he used to frequent. No answer. He asks some guy on the street if he's seen "Lucky" (I could see someone misunderstanding that in a terrible way). Ty tells Sully that there are other newsstands out there. How profound.
Sully and Ty bring a crank dealer into the hospital. Sully is grabbing her by the back of the grimy sweatshirt. The dealer thinks her arm is broken. She bitches about her civil rights. Sully wanders off to check on Stan. Bitter Son is there. He tells Sully that Stan's lungs are filling up with fluid and his heart is failing. The doctors don't think he'll make it. "Is there anything I can do?" Sully asks. Dan Lauria says no, then he reflects on the reversal of roles between parents and their kids. Sully pulls out a portable CD player that he brought. He asks if it's okay. Bitter Son says it's fine. Sully puts the headphones on Stan: It's chimey holiday music.
The whole crew (sans Jimmy and Sully) is having lunch. Alex lays down the law: she wants everyone to stop spreading rumors about the Jimmy thing. Bosco and Kim make jokes, because they're collectively twelve years old. Alex asks if they even care about Lombardo. She seems very concerned. Everybody laughs. Alex says, "What's wrong with you guys?" gets up, and walks off. She finds Sully at the diner counter ordering his daily meatball sandwich. Alex seems to think it's cute that he has a meal he eats every day. Alex asks if he's going to the wedding. Sully says he's going to be social for a change. She asks about Stan. Sully thanks her for everything Alex did. "He died," Sully says. He says that sometimes what's best doesn't seem right, but it is. Oh, Sully, you big softie. Here, let me put you in a machine full of other cute stuffed animals. Sully invites Alex to sit with him. She does and orders the same meal as Sully. (It would be been funny if he'd faked an orgasm before she said, "I'll have what he's having.")
Sully at the door of his new neighbor. He stops in, all spiffy and dressed in a suit. He's carrying a gift. She takes off the chain on the door and opens it. Well, hello, neighbor. Sully fidgets like he's Hugh Grant and introduces himself. "That's for me?" she asks. Sully says it's cookies. "Okay," she says. The woman introduces herself as "Tatiana." "That's a nice name," Sully says, "I'll remember it." How could he not? The cute woman says she likes old movies and she hears them late at night when Sully watches them. He apologizes, all flustered. She says, "Good, uh, afternoon, John." He leaves. Hey, what's that stench. Oh...I smell looooove!
Finally, two minutes left in the episode, and we see The Wedding. The priest is droning on and on in the very beautiful church. Kim leans over to Doc and asks how things are going with Morales. She asks if he's going to get married. He says things are going good just the way they are now. Sully walks in from the back, carrying his big trash bag of presents. Man, this is the most boring priest. Sully sits to Alex. Joey finally comes forth with the rings. Bosco leans over and asks Ty if it's an open bar.
The priest asks if there's anyone in the church who knows why Jimmy and Brooke should not be married. Alex starts coughing uncontrollably, her face all red and puffy. Oops. Then she starts giggling. Sully begins to cough too, and smiles. The entire wedding party is staring at them. If I were Brooke, I'd be running down the aisle to go put some smack down on these idiots. I'm all for embarrassing Jimmy, but Brooke doesn't deserve this shit. Oh, wait. Brooke is actually smiling and laughing too. Soon, everybody is giggling in the aisles and Alex has completely lost it. What a weird, crazy scene. Remind me never to get married and invite co-workers.
Outside, a horse-drawn carriage awaits. Hey, didn't one of those just crush some people at the beginning of the episode? Bad omen, I think. Brooke and Jimmy take off as everyone applauds. Okay, they really got married. I'm impressed. Outside, Sully and Alex get to talking. It starts snowing. Pretty. Sully tells Alex what's in the bag. They have an hour to kill before the reception. He asks if she wants to join him. Alex accepts. "I'll keep you company," she says... "Santa." "Does that make you one of the elves?" he asks. She could totally pass for an elf. They walk off and the episode ends.
Omar's Feminine Side: So? You men never even get caught. I hope you're happy.
Omar: Actually, I am. The episode is over.
Omar's Feminine Side: Typical.
No previews for week, but according to NBC's site, it sounds like week will be an ensemble episode. ["Actually, it's a rerun." -- Wing Chun] See you then.