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(Thanks to 18bored and Lantern7 for helping me fill in the gaps from a wonky TiVo.) The kids go to a bar, where Paula flirts with a girl. Meanwhile, John busts his fratty moves on Elena, a lovely young woman who isn't at all a famewhore looking to get on TV; she and a whorish friend go home with the kids. While John and Elena later trade saliva-borne microbes in the pool, Jose gets scared by the friend's now-bared breasts and runs off to calculate the appreciation of his properties...or to look at gay porn. Meanwhile, Paula tells Svet about her abusive relationship with "Keith" back home; she had to be hospitalized one time because of his assholery. Paula then tells Keith (on the phone) that she opened up to Svet. Keith goes batshit. Svet kettles to the starving black pot that is Paula that she needs to dump the dude. Paula weeps that it's not that simple. Oh, but it is. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: aw, no Previously because my TiVo cock-blocked me and I had to catch a rerun. Basically, my TiVo was perfectly set to record the show -- starting early and stopping late to account for MTV's complete disregard of time -- and it looked at what it was about to record, and said, "Eh...no." So it didn't record. I would say that my TiVo displayed good taste (if a disquieting foreshadowing to the upcoming Rise of the Machines), but it did tape Pepper Dennis, so there really is no logic there.
Bridge. Water. Boat. Sailboat. Sunset. Couple. House. House. House. The phone rings. "Keith" calls for Paula; Zach snottily answers the call and goes to roust Paula from her shame spiral. Paula tells us that Keith is some dude she is dating or once dated on and off for about three years. His scarily dead voice tells us that getting to talk to her is the only thing that makes him "okay." Well, that and, according to his expectedly ugly, chaotic, and hard-to-read MySpace page, the following things also do it for him: Sam Adams, Jack Daniels, the Red Sox, the Redskins, Dane Cook, boozing, fires by the river, skiing, cooking, not shaving, carpentry, traveling, trucks, auto racing, baseball, football, playing pool, and forcing any visitor to listen to that annoying Imogen Heap song with the robot voices. Paula tells Keith that she was about to come in and call him. She camera-bones that they had a very passionate (abusive) relationship that was both good and bad (very abusive). He slurs that he can deal with her having insecurities and worries for the rest of their lives, but what he can't deal with is her not being in his life. She then reveals to us that, yup, their relationship was indeed emotionally and physically abusive, and that she took "it" because back then she was so low she thought she deserved it. As opposed to the rock of emotional health she is now. Keith leaves off with a creepy veiled threat, saying that even if she doesn't call him, she can be "damn sure" he's going to call her. Yikes. Someone call the police.
Kitchen. Svet and Paula cook. Paula reveals that all her friends hate Keith. Svet wonders why, and Paula says, "He put me in the hospital." Well, hey. That's not so bad. Who hasn't put a girl or five in the hospital? Perfectly normal. Perfectly healthy. It's great that Svet is advising her about this stuff -- Svet, with the scariest televised boyfriend this side of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?