You guys? I am fully ashamed of how psyched I am that this show is back. Puerto Vallarta is the chosen paradise to be desecrated this time around, and the format is "The Gauntlet III: Rookies vs. Veterans." What is means, as always, is dumb-ass competitions, followed by voting someone's ass into a Gauntlet, followed by another dumb-ass competition, followed by CT going into a wicked-bad 'roid rage and getting kicked off the show. Eeeeeeee!
The first person we hear from as the professional MTV personalities walk down the beach and back into our lives is Beth (fucking of course), who tells us for what feels like the four millionth time that she doesn't have any friends on this show. Or anywhere else aside from the lady who performs her chemical peels, whose children Beth has put through grad school. Coral (!!) promises she's not out for blood this time, only cash. And to help make the recapping more enjoyable, I hope. Then there's "Tori" who is from Road Rules: Viewers Revenge which I didn't really watch but which I understand produced the following: a bloated Abram punching a bloated ADDam in his bloated face, and Kina getting real-time updates about how much the viewership hates her. Good times! She makes note of the "cute boys" (indeed, even I am not immune to CT's Samson mane of virile hair) and "the girls who are notorious for being bitches" (cue a priceless shot of Coral and Katie dancing around like the fabulous bitches they are). Brad (cue Sars's squeal of delight) looks a) homeless, b) ricockulously muscled up, and c) like he's ready for a few hookups of questionable discretion now that he's freshly single.
T.J. Lavin welcomes everyone to the Challenge, everybody screams, Coral shoots her first side-eye at someone, and Johanna interviews that she's now moved in with Wes. Well, that's easy. I was wondering whether I'd have to respect her even a little this season. Guess I don't. Wes is not on this Challenge, by the way, so you can stop worrying that his pale, butterfaced semi-hotness will make you question your values yet again. T.J. explains what makes a Rookie a Rookie (one Challenge or less) while Tyler pumps his fists and makes himself look like an ass. Diem (ugh) interviews that she and CT are still together (another question of respect answered!) and will be ready and willing to vote each other off if need be. Makes sense to me! And while we're on the subject of couples who suck both individually and as a pair, Danny and his blotchy face tell us that he and Melinda, despite being on opposite teams, still have an alliance. Obviously. What, are you saying they don't? You think you're a tough guy? You're just gonna run your mouth like that? Why don't you step outside and OW OH MY GOD MY FACE!
The credits are as retarded as ever, but they give me a chance to run down the teams in full. For the Rookies: Nehemiah (Beth-kissing dick), Janelle (way too into thinking she's a big deal), Tyrie (jury's still out), Angel (no idea, but she looks like that girl on Heroes who can pick up wrestling moves from watching TV), Rachel (who still hates chubby civilians), Tyler (who is making the rest of us look bad by wearing some figure-skating blouse instead of a shirt -- no one needs to see your man-cleave, dude), Brooke (awesome), Melinda (still looking like Melanie Griffith's strung-out daughter), Derek (no idea), Frank (doooooooouche!), Zach (because we needed everyone from Key West), Tori (who we just met), Alex (thinking he's tough), Jillian (...her?), Ryan (niiice), and the aforementioned Johanna.
For the Veterans: Diem, Ev (whose lesbianism is written on her Rambo-style headband), Katie (who's gotta have a tracheotomy hole in her neck by now, right?), Adam (the heir to the Commodores fortune), Casey (grand duchess of foobs), Eric (the one who the previews are making us think is gonna die), Beth (who competed in the first-ever Gauntlet at the Polo Grounds in aught-six), Brad, Robin (who I hated, then loved, then decided I loved only when she didn't drink, then hated again), Danny, Paula (aw, yay!), Kenny (here to once again compete for the Challenge Boyfriend crown), Johnny Bananas (ditto), Evan (representin' Canada), CT, and Coral.
I laugh my ass of when T.J. calls these 32 unemployable professional shot-drinkers "alumni," but then I have to rewind the DVR twice just to understand the rules of the show, so I should probably shut up. After the regular team challenge, the winning team will choose one person from the losing team to go into the Gauntlet. Then, the losing team will have to choose which player, of the same sex, will be battling their teammate in said Gauntlet. In addition, the winning team will make someone from the losing team immune, heretofore known as the Keep Beth's Fat Ass Around Clause. Casey explains the "keep your opponent's weakest link" strategy to us like we're morons. Angel thinks she could be that weak link on the Rookies team, which will work to her advantage. Lastly, it's a winner-take-all game this year, with 300K to be split among only those who finish the game on the winning team. Everybody yaks about what they'll do for the money, including Frank saying he'd be willing to stab a friend in the back for it, which is funny because: like Frank has friends.
T.J. kicks things off with a tug of war to determine who gets first crack at the beds in their soon-to-be-trashed villa. And speaking of beds, Beth wants to share hers with Nehemiah. Gross, come on. So: they tug. The Vets, pretty clearly, have all the huge 'roid monsters, plus Eric as their anchor, while the Rooks have Tyrie, this Derek person, and...Tyler? I believe in the power of Ryan's good looks to conquer even that weirdo goatee he's got happening, but not so much in a tug of war. And, surprise, the Vets indeed take it, pretty easily. Much whooping is made, and Kenny offers the Rookie girls a spot in his bed. He is such a cartoon.
Later on, the Vets storm the villa, running around like the unbridled cokeheads they are. There is an Olympic-style pool out back, which is pretty sweet. Coral and Beth end up sharing a room together, which everyone finds pretty hilarious. Coral moans to Katie and Robin that she now has to wake up every morning to "Hatchet Face." Aw, I've missed you, girl.
The Rookies, meanwhile, have to sleep in this hut all crowded with bunk beds and one bathroom to share. There are bugs on the beds. ...Which will have to fight for their survival with the bugs currently inhabiting these people. It's like two competitions in one show! No wonder they expanded it to an hour. Between the eight bunk beds in one room and the bars on the windows, comparisons are made, not inaccurately, to a prison cell.
Partying ensues, people get thrown into the pool, believe it or not, and CT manages not to try to murder anyone within the first 24 hours. Weak. Zach thinks they're all family, which is stupid naïve, but that was kind of his deal during his season, right?
Okay, you and I need to talk about this scene in private, because it's just that awesome. So Brooke obviously zeroes in on the closest homosexual in her general proximity (Ryan must've been in the can, because in this case it's Tyler) and she's telling him how she's been hurt by her boyfriends, blah-blah-blah, and now she's decided that she wants to date women, despite not really being attracted to them. "I need, like, an actual dick," she explains, "but I just can't deal with the person attached to it." Little cartoon hearts appear over Tyler's head, because everybody loves an unstable freakshow to poke for a few weeks. Indeed, Tyler interviews -- while spazzing around like fucking crazy and contorting his face into inhuman expressions -- that he was so psyched to meet Brooke because "she's batshit crazy." Which: why else would you want to meet Brooke? "And she's a lesbian now!" Tyler exclaims. "She seemingly woke up and was like, 'You know what? I'm a dyke!'" Yeah, I know I should hate him. Nevertheless...
Brooke then sets her sights on Ev, and before you can say "This'll get me some air time, right?" they're both making out in the pool. Evan then takes us on a guided tour of the Night One hookups: Ryan and Tyler (hell yes), Paula and Derek, Paula and Adam (get some, Paula!), Tori and Brad, Casey and Johnny Bananas, and Frank and Jillian who...can have each other. Evan and Kenny watching Ryan and Tyler make out ("Oh my God, they're killing each other!") is just priceless. Coral says she can't wait for the breakups, which will inevitably be better than the making out.
The morning, CT, Brad, Katie, and Coral are all semi-conspiring about how to avoid being targeted as strong players. So...Katie is taking the minutes of this particular meeting, then? Coral thinks it's super important to win the first few challenges and set the "we can kick your asses" tone for the rest of the game.
The first competition involves a giant piñata suspended above a giant mud pit. Break the piñata and color-coded balls come flying out (if I had a dollar for every time I've written that sentence...), and you have to grab the balls and take them out of the pit. Anyone without a ball at the end of a round gets eliminated. So it's a piñata, plus the pit full of colored balls, with musical-chairs-style elimination. They've finally found a game that fits the collective maturity level of the participants! "Tackling is allowed," says T.J., which of course means, "Get ready to get drowned by CT and Danny, Rookies."
Tyrie interviews the importance of...winning. Insightful. Tyler them gives a bitchfaced interview about how the Vet guys are all cheaters and liars so this is a "good versus evil" affair, which...he had to be joking there, right? Because come on. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt (for now). So: balls are dropped. The first round eliminates Rookies Angel (who got her lunch money ball taken by Coral), Frank, Brooke, and Tyler (who made the supremely dumb decision to try to muscle a ball away from Evan), and Vets Kenny and Casey. Round 2 eliminates Rookies Zach, Johanna, and Jillian, and Vets Coral and Danny. Ev starts bitching about Coral not trying hard or something, and Coral hears her and can bitch even harder and louder. Ev couldn't beat Aneesa at that game last season; she sure as shit ain't beating Coral, who interviews that she doesn't give a shit how much Ev can bench press or whether the rumors about her having a penis are true, she will fuck her shit up. I don't know about the penis thing, but I'm thinking bitching out your teammates before the competition is even over is pretty stupid.
Round 3. Angel points out how Alex is sucking ass, while Adam finally makes good on his big talk for once and sneaks a ball past a wall of Rookies. Alex, Derek, Rachel, and Tyrie get eliminated, as does Paula. So that's eleven Vets to five Rookies for Round 4. Janelle and Tori double-team Ev as the Vets take the bigger hit, losing Johnny, Adam, Katie, and Ev to the Rooks' Janelle and Ryan. Tori whoops it up kind of awesomely, and I think I may like her. Ev whines that the Vets aren't working enough as a team. Round 5: Beth sacrifices herself to save Robin, while CT and Evan outmuscle Nehemiah, which means the Veteran guys win. For the women, it's down to Tori versus Robin one-on-one. Tori's first to the ball, and while Robin tackles her, Tori muscles the ball away and the Rookie girls win. Which means a one-on-one tiebreaker will decide which team wins. The Vets send CT, natch, while the Rooks send Derek. Neither Coral nor I have much doubt in CT winning this thing, for reasons of athletics and mental instability. Derek's actually first to the ball, but that only gives CT a better angle for murderin', which he does, eventually getting the ball free and winning for the Veterans.
The Vets deliberate, quickly deciding to protect "dead weight" Ryan (thanks, guys!), then narrow in on Derek or Nehemiah to vote to the Gauntlet. Basically, they'd like to eliminate Derek, but they think he'll wipe the floor with whatever Rookie he goes up against, whereas Nehemiah...who knows? Coral verbosely announces the Vets' intentions, protecting Ryan and Gauntleting Nehemiah, who takes it well. He yells, "Throw me into the Gauntlet every time!" Coral: "We might!" Neh: "Forget what I just said." Heh.
Rather than deliberating, the Rookies seem to have decided to hand the decision of picking Nehemiah's competitor to...Nehemiah. Rachel interviews that she doesn't think this policy will hold up for much longer, but it works for now. Neh wants to face Alex, in part because Alex dogged it in the mud pit. The Wheel O' Stupid Games is spun and lands on "Force Field." God, I hate describing how these things work. Bungee cords are tied to their backs but wrapped around the field of play so that one guy moving forward pulls the other guy backwards. First to cross the other's line of demarcation wins. Alex boils his options down to Nehemiah giving up, fucking up, or beating him quickly so he doesn't have to roast in the sun. Alex already seems pretty over this. The Gauntlet starts, Melinda interviewing that the Rookies really can't lose Nehemiah. Beth, looking alarmingly red-faced, like she's Diane Ladd in Wild At Heart reminds us she's pulling for her bed buddy even though that's at cross-purposes with her team. "At cross-purposes with her team" really needs to be Beth's caption. After seventeen minutes, Alex just stands up and cedes the win to Nehemiah. I kind of don't like either of them, so it's not like I'd care anyway, but it's still an inauspicious start to the game. Kenny interviews that it would've been nice to keep Alex the Quitter around for the long haul, which perhaps will be a lesson not to always assume the skinny homo is the weakest link. One to grow on, meatheads.
Tyrie interviews that it sucks that the Denver cast provides the first cast-off yet again (we're reminded that Tyrie lost the first Inferno last season), and then T.J. brings his customary thinly-veiled-contempt to bear on Alex for quitting, which in this instance is represented by a half-hearted chest-bump. That's cold as ice, T.J. Lavin.
Back at the Villa, Robin explains to Katie her theory that, with the Challenge prize being winner-take-all, the guys have all the incentive in the world to throw missions during the girl Gauntlet weeks so as to get rid of all the seemingly weak girls and increase their chances of winning the final competition. It sounds paranoid, but that's...probably what's going to happen. Robin works Katie into a profane little lather, which admittedly is not hard, and they decide to threaten the boys with thrown missions of their own if they try anything funny. Robin interviews that she's been burned before, and now the only people she trusts are Brad and Katie.
That night (I...guess?), a drunk CT starts in on his team for all these mission-throwing whisperings. They don't really get into the merits of that, however, mostly because CT's too drunk to make sense. It's the usual posturing, slurring, Masshole bullshit CT always provides, and like the dutiful little enabler she is, Diem interviews all, "He's never like this at home! Honestly!" Johnny Bananas, however, says CT is the biggest scumbag on the show, and nobody trusts him. Later on, Coral's looking for trouble, as usual, and she finds it in a drunk (...er) and dismissive CT. She tells him he's acting like a dick (true) and he tells her she's looking for a fight (also true). He waves her off dismissively, which Coral doesn't appreciate, and she gets in his face, all "Don't you ever!" Everybody else is looking on like spectators at a gladiator ring, which this kind of is, in the arena of reality show drama queens. He threatens her with a Gauntleting for her insolence, and Coral, awesomely, is like, "A Gauntlet doesn't scare me. Even if I go home, it's not the end of my world." Then she calls him bipolar and stomps off. It's not a decisive victory for my girl, but not too many people manage to battle CT to a draw, so I'm giving props.
Diem then tries to get CT to go to bed, and you get the sense that this kind of approach usually works when they're at Sully O'Fighty's pub, but with the cameras rolling, CT's not about to get told what to do by his woman. He talks a ton of nonsense about the game and about protecting Diem and "when do I get mine?" (WTF?), and she finally has enough and stomps off into the kitchen to join the CT bitch session already in progress. Coral still has a head of steam about the whole thing, and while it seems like she's pissed at Diem by association, she ultimately agrees that Diem's not the boss of CT and that it's tough to reign in a "crackhead." She also, at some point, says CT can't read a book. Awesome.