The season opens with clips from each new cast member's audition tape. First up is MJ, twenty-three, who is from, he exclaims, "Nash Vegas." That's one of those city nicknames that no one should actually use, like "Chi Town," or "The Big Apple," or "La La Land." MJ looks like Christopher Atkins mated with Michelangelo's David. Which would be uncomfortable, to say the least. We see footage of MJ playing football and flexing for the camera. MJ interviews that he is going on the show to get a "better understanding of the North and of a diverse group of people." Because the North is a foreign country, like Croatia or something. MJ also has bugeyes.
up is Melanie, twenty-one, from Santa Cruz, California. Melanie has flippy hair. She interviews that she has had serious boyfriends for her whole life, and tends to attach herself to other people, so she wants to try to be independent. She demonstrates her lack of independence in her audition tape by showering with another guy. She's so codependent, she can't even wash her own hair!
Karamo, twenty-three, is from Houston. He does a little striptease for the camera, and then describes himself as handsome, intelligent, athletic, down-to-earth, and motivated. It's apparent that low self-esteem is not a problem for Karamo.
And now it's time for Sarah, twenty-three, from Tampa. Ah, Tampa. Reality television breeding ground. Do they have a factory there or something? Sarah has very heavy bangs, and while she has Mischa Barton's hair, she unfortunately has Benjamin McKenzie's features. Sarah interviews that it's hard for guys to understand that she wants to have sex without the attendant emotions. Yeah, those guys. They hate casual sex.
Landon, twenty-four, is from River Falls, Wisconsin. He looks like Bachelor Bob's younger brother, with the same curly mop of hair (although slightly less greasy) and somewhat porcine features. Landon explains that he likes to get wild and crazy (read: drunk as a skunk). Landon actually earns a "heh" when he screams into the camera "Hell's Angels!" and then rides off on a motor scooter. There's hope for him yet.
Shavonda, twenty-one, is from San Diego. She works at Hooters. She's black, and she's dating a white guy named Sean. Her boyfriend is...well, not that attractive, at least in the two seconds he's on screen. It wouldn't seem like a big deal, but Shavonda (as you will soon hear from all of the other roommates) is quite attractive.
The seventh roommates is Willie, who is twenty-three, and from New York City. In his audition tape, Willie gives a tour of the neighborhood where he grew up, and points out where he first rode a bike, as well as where he first got mugged. Snerk. Willie gets on the New York to Philadelphia train, and voice-overs that coming out to his parents was a bad experience, but doesn't offer further details. A lot of people heard the rumors that there were two gay guys in this cast, so I guess the editors wanted to get one out of the way right off the bat. Willie explains that he hopes dating in Philadelphia will be easier, because he's heard that there is a big gay population (and there's not in New York City?). He's ready for a "hot, fantastic, fabulous, sexy relationship." Well, at least he has realistic expectations about what he can accomplish in four months.
The new credits are very slick, but they are also very reminiscent of the Saturday Night Live credits from about three seasons ago.
In case you were wondering how long the editors would wait to use the theme from Rocky, the answer is "about three minutes." The familiar music plays as we see shots of the city landscape.
MJ walks along the water and voice-overs that he is interested in diversity, since he was raised in "a small town such as Nashville." There was a lot of debate on the forums about whether or not Nashville qualifies as a small town, but I think the point is that MJ grew up in a part of it that didn't have a lot of diversity.
Landon walks up, and the two greet each other and make introductions. They notice that they look quite a bit alike, although MJ is taller. Landon interviews that he's looking for a roommate who is "a stick of dynamite" and "ready to blow" and "just wants everyone to blow up with them [sic]." I don't even know what that means. Landon and MJ discuss how it's the first time on the east coast for both of them, and that they're supposed to take the ferry to meet another one of their roommates, because what is a season opener without featuring as many forms of transportation as possible? On the ferry, MJ admits that he has a girl back home named Ashley, and interviews that there is "some emotion" there. Well, that's a ringing endorsement. I'm sure Ashley was thrilled with that one. Oh, who are we kidding. Like they're still together. Landon says that he recently ended a seven-year relationship, and then interviews that it was "a fabulous relationship, very healthy," and that he "had a lot of fun." His use of gender-neutral words and generally evasive language made me wonder if maybe he was the second gay guy in the house. He's not. But nice editing!
Sarah is at the train station. She voice-overs that she's walking away from the last five years of her life and starting something new. Willie arrives at the train station as well, and voice-overs that he hopes he "vibes with" one of his roommates, and assumes that it will be a female. Willie's on-screen text explains that he is a personal shopper, which would probably be a cool job for most people, but I kind of hate shopping. I mean, I like to go once in a while, but I wouldn't want to go every day. Although maybe it would be different if I were spending someone else's money. Willie must be doing pretty well as a personal shopper, because he has a full set of Louis Vuitton luggage. Unless it's fake. Willie and Sarah greet each other, and after a little miscommunication, they hug, and discuss how they are both excited and nervous.
As soon as MJ utters the word "homosexual," the editors cut to Willie and Sarah arriving at the house. They all greet one another. Willie took time out to get a Frappucino before arriving at the house, which also earns him points in my book. Caffeine is very important. Sarah interviews that MJ has a great body. MJ interviews that as soon as he heard Willie's "high-pitched voice," he knew that Willie was gay. That MJ. He's like a scientist of homosexuality. He's like Gay-lileo. (That joke was probably a lot funnier in my head.) Willie spots the two hot tubs. Two! Willie also spots the fish tank. Have the fish ever survived an entire season? I don't think so. Willie and Sarah decide to room together. Aren't they supposed to wait for everyone to get there before grabbing rooms? The five roommates toast to Philadelphia and wait for the final two to arrive.
Melanie stands at the top of the Rocky stairs (at the Philadelphia Art Museum) and waits. She voice-overs that she's expecting a roommate who is her opposite so that they can debate. Karamo runs up the stairs like Mr. Balboa and greets Melanie. Karamo interviews that he thought Melanie was a model because she was wearing jeans and high heels. What? I don't know. He's clearly not the gay. Melanie interviews that Karamo is very different from her because he is tall and African-American and dresses in a hip hop style. Also, he is male. She left that part out. They jog down the steps and get into a cab. In the cab, Karamo asks what Melanie thinks the other roommates will be like. Melanie says, yet again, that she's expecting people that are totally different from her. I would get annoyed, but Melanie's not in this episode enough to waste the energy. Plus, I need to save the hate for Sarah.
Back at the house, Sarah notices that the straight guys are checking out Shavonda, so she starts yelling about how much she loves being naked. Sarah says that she wore a strapless bra with her tank top so that she wouldn't be "that girl with the hard nipples on the first day." That was almost funny, and if Sarah weren't trying so goddamned hard, she might actually be interesting. Or at least not annoying. With Willie's encouragement, Sarah whips off her bra and shakes out her breasts. Sarah interviews that she's wanted to be sexy since she was five years old. Okay, that's just wrong. A five-year-old should not know what "sexy" means. So she's either lying, or she's fucked up. Or both.
Melanie and Karamo arrive at the house, hooting and hollering. They introduce themselves to the other roommates. Karamo interviews that he thinks Shavonda is hot. In a confessional, Shavonda says that Karamo is a typical athlete. Maybe they'll hook up! Karamo interviews that he knew Willie was the gay roommate. Congratulations, Captain Obvious!
MJ explains that Willie and Sarah will room together, Landon and MJ will room together, and then I guess Melanie, Shavonda, and Karamo are rooming together. I think it's cool that they don't split up according to gender lines, but it seems like the group in the triple kind of got boned.
Landon decides to take a shower, and Melanie walks in while he's in his underwear. She immediately walks out, apologizing. Sarah hears that there's "a naked boy," and runs to the bathroom to hump his leg or something. Sarah interviews about how horny she is. Get used to it.
Karamo comes in and checks out Willie's mattress. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Karamo heads down to the confessional, which is in the basement, where the bank vault used to be. Karamo confesses that he knows he'll get along well with MJ. They do a shot together, and toast the future.
The roommates enjoy some cocktails as they prepare to go out on the first night. Melanie interviews that she likes everyone and she sees some "fun times" with "these crazy, crazy people." If someone seems crazy within the first few hours that you meet them? They're not fun crazy. They're "in need of medication" crazy. Sarah reveals that she has breast implants. She interviews that she's always been comfortable with her body. So comfortable that she had to alter it surgically. Willie can't believe that Sarah's boobs are fake, and squeezes them like melons while complimenting her "fierce job." The other three guys listen in while trying to pretend like they're not salivating. Karamo comes over and gives the melons a squeeze. Ripe! Landon nervously backs up against the wall as Sarah approaches him, exhorting him to touch her boobs. He knocks a picture off the wall and everyone cracks up. Sarah interviews that it's cute how nervous Landon was, and Landon interviews that he's not scared, but he was caught off-guard. Because it's not normal to go around telling strangers to squeeze your boobs on the first day you meet! It's not! Call me a prude, but it's not.
Karamo and Shavonda have a piggyback race versus MJ and Sarah. MJ loses and declares that "white guys are slow." It couldn't have anything to do with Sarah's giant fake boobs weighing them down. Landon hops on MJ's back and starts slapping his ass. Ah, frat boy hoyay. You never let me down.
In the bar, MJ wants to tell Willie something, but then stops himself. Willie interviews that he's definitely considered that one or more of his roommates might be homophobic. MJ confesses that he's never hung out with "a homosexual" before, but that it's cool. Willie says he doesn't hang out with many homosexuals either, and they laugh. In a confessional, MJ confesses that Willie is openly gay, but that it's not as bad as he feared. What exactly did he fear? That's what I don't get about homophobia. Did MJ think a gay guy would rape him or something? Or stab him with a letter opener? Or dress up like a clown and hide in his closet? Those are the only ways I can imagine a gay person being scary. Willie and MJ hug and agree to have fun together. Willie interviews that he appreciates MJ's friendship.
Shavonda interviews that Karamo was asking about her interracial relationship. Karamo said that he knew how it felt to be in a different type of relationship. Shavonda thought he meant an interracial relationship, but it turns out that Karamo is telling her that he's gay. Shavonda is shocked. Willie comes up and inserts himself in the middle of the conversation, and Shavonda and Karamo ignore him, so he leaves. Karamo interviews that it's taboo to be gay and African-American. Karamo discusses that with Shavonda, how they can date whoever or whatever and still be proud African-Americans. Shavonda interviews that Karamo asked her to keep it a secret, and she hopes that no one asks her about it.
The roommates get home and head for the hot tub. Sarah puts on a bikini and -- what in the hell is going on in between her boobs? At first, I thought it was a giant zit. Then I paused it and it looked like her sternum is broken. I called my husband in for a consultation, and he decided that she either has an alien bursting out of her chest slowly, or she has an extra kidney. I asked what he thought of her boob job, and he said, "I can't look at them because I'm disturbed by the extra kidney." So there you go. Also, for a boob job, they're kind of...saggy. I mean, I guess it makes it look more natural, but I thought one benefit of a boob job was perkiness. MJ interviews that he is a big flirt. He ogles Sarah's body and she throws something at him, like that's not exactly what she wanted him to do. In a confessional, Sarah says that there is sexual tension between her and MJ.
MJ, Landon, Sarah, Karamo, and Shavonda hang out in the hot tub. Shavonda asks whether hookups in the house are a possibility. Everyone agrees that they are a possibility. Sarah has to add that she doesn't "get weird about it," and that sometimes you are looking for comfort. She interviews that she's always been able to relate to a guy's perspective on sex. She likes to be on top? I so hate this whole "guys always want sex and women just tolerate it to get diamonds and new vacuum cleaners" mentality, because that's what it boils down to. Have sex or don't. Keep it casual or don't. It has nothing to do with gender. Sarah says that she can't go a month without it. In a confessional, MJ says that Sarah will be trouble before this is over. I hear you, brother.
Willie and Melanie sit out on the front steps. Willie says that he's getting a vibe from Karamo, and that it's weird. In a confessional, Willie says that he doesn't know what's going on there, but that it's bizarre. Melanie interviews that Karamo's not gay, and that Willie's gaydar is messed up. Willie tells Mel to watch out for it, and Mel says that Karamo is just "really friendly." Heh.
MJ jokes with Willie about giving sexy looks. In a confessional, MJ says that it's not as uncomfortable as he thought it would be. Imagine that! Gay people are...just regular people! MJ says that he and Willie respect each other, and that MJ would have Willie's back if anything happened. Karamo asks if Willie said he was gay, and Willie laughs that he didn't say it, but that it's pretty obvious. In a particularly bug-eyed interview, MJ says, "You can call it being intuitive. You can call it having a good gaydar. But I can tell whenever somebody's gay, especially if I'm living with them." Heeee hee! I love how the dude who has never met a gay person before thinks he has good gaydar. Hey, he watches Queer Eye! What? Karamo asks if Willie is afraid to label himself. Karamo interviews that he doesn't feel the need to come out until the time is right.
At 5:00 AM, MJ and Sarah are the only two still awake. They discuss how they should go to bed. MJ asks if Sarah is a natural redhead. Wow, I didn't think she had red hair at all. I guess it's kind of strawberry blonde. MJ walks away and says that he only likes blondes, so they can be friends but not lovers. MJ interviews that he doesn't know why, but he's only attracted to blondes. MJ admits that Sarah is hot, though. Sarah interviews that she's attracted to MJ because he's made it clear that she's not his type. Ugh. Seriously. Daddy issues. Ten to one says that she has an emotionally distant or absent father.
The morning, the roommates wake up and take showers. Ooh, they've got a shower with like six shower heads. Sarah holds a shirt up to herself, and MJ raspily says that he likes that shirt because it's "earthy." Sarah says that it's naughty, because she once had sex wearing just that shirt and pigtails. Overshare! MJ interviews that Sarah is "like a sexual predator" because "everything comes back to sex." Sarah pulls out some leg warmers, and MJ asks if she's had sex in them too. Don't encourage her! Melanie overhears the conversation and interviews that Sarah is a big flirt.
Landon and MJ go in the hot tub. MJ whispers about Sarah's dressup tendencies. Landon agrees that Sarah said she likes to walk around naked. They are both excited to see it. Sarah walks up and asks what they were saying. MJ admits that they were talking about Sarah having a lot of sex. Sarah thinks it's just part of life, which is true, but so is shitting, and I don't her her talking about that. Thank God. Sarah adds that sex is an aerobic workout. Landon yells, "If you last that long." I think Landon just revealed more about himself than he intended.
Willie gets on the computer and looks up gay clubs. Karamo wanders in to help. Karamo asks if they're all going to a gay club on Friday. Willie invites Karamo to go too, but doesn't think that Landon and MJ will come along. Karamo interviews that his sexual orientation is on a need-to-know basis. Karamo tells Willie that his ex's name is William, so he hates that name, and then walks out of the room. Willie takes a minute to catch up, and then make a hilarious reaction face.
Karamo goes into the phone room (which has a door that you can close -- how will people eavesdrop?) and calls his friend Ray. He says that he's going crazy because everyone is PC and polite. Yeah, I hate it when people are polite. That drives me crazy too. Karamo says that Willie is really effeminate, and that Karamo doesn't usually hang out with that type. Karamo interviews that Willie is "the gay roommate," because he likes to shop and carries a man purse. Karamo says that Willie has already lined up "a big gay event." Karamo interviews that he can't turn to Willie for comfort because they are so different. Karamo feels most comfortable with MJ and Landon, because they are like his friends back home, but they don't know he's gay. He hopes their relationship doesn't change when they find out he's a GAY!
Willie and Shavonda discuss Karamo's gay secret. Willie says that Karamo admitted that he's had a boyfriend in the past. Shavonda says that Karamo came out to her, and said that he tried to talk to Willie, but that Willie "wasn't really biting back." Well, maybe if he wanted to discuss it, he should have been a little less passive-aggressive about the whole thing, instead of making a throwaway comment on his way out of the room. Willie agrees with me. Shavonda thinks that things will get awkward, because MJ and Landon have no clue.
MJ offers to show Landon some pictures of Ashley. He busts out a mini-scrapbook that Ashley made him for their two-month anniversary. Shavonda looks at it too. Landon comments that making a scrapbook for the two-month anniversary is "laying it on a little thick." Yeah, kind of. They all agree that Ashley is gorgeous. MJ interviews that as long as he stays in touch with Ashley, it'll all work out. Famous last words. MJ realizes this and laughs that those words will come back to haunt him.
Sarah blow-dries MJ's shirt (who knows?) while making the sex eyes at him. Blow dryers are sexy now? It's so hard to keep up. MJ interviews that Sarah wants you to know that she's looking at you. MJ interviews that he's very sexual, but that he doesn't need to talk about it all the time. Yay! Sarah asks Shavonda if she's being too obvious that she wants to "hit that." Yes! Say yes, Shavonda! She doesn't. Sarah thinks that there is sexual tension, but that there's no hope, because she's not blonde. Sarah interviews that MJ is "drawn to the cheapest tricks in the book of what girls do to attract men." So she should have no problem hitting that. Sarah disses Ashley as pretty, but with fake blonde hair. Yeah, I hate women who alter their appearance! Like the ones who get plastic surgery. Shavonda says she's not clear on how serious MJ's relationship is. Shavonda interviews that MJ has "a kinda sorta" where "you kinda have somebody at home and they're sorta your girlfriend, but not really."
Shavonda interviews that the roommates are going out to South Street. Willie announces that he's going to hop in a cab and go to a gay club, and Sarah agrees to join him. The other girls apparently go also, leaving MJ, Landon, and Karamo together. The boys stand on a balcony or deck somewhere overlooking the street. Karamo interviews that he loves hanging out with those guys. MJ asks if the other guys would have been comfortable going to a gay bar. Karamo says he would have, and Landon says that he wouldn't have. MJ says that in the South, straight people go to straight bars, and gay people go to gay bars. No mixing! They even have separate water fountains! Millions of people across the South lobby MTV to put an asterisk on screen every time MJ speaks, denoting that MJ's opinions do not represent all Southerners. MJ interviews that he doesn't hate gays, but that he's just never been around them. Karamo tries to explain why gay bars aren't a big deal. MJ asks if Karamo has been to gay clubs, and Karamo says, "All the time." He nods and smiles, trying to help the guys get it. MJ asks, "You're not...are you homosexual?" Karamo says, "Yeah, I'm gay." The looks on Landon and MJ's faces? Priceless.
And now it's time for the triumphant return of the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-TV movie on my beloved Lifetime Movie Network called Childhood Sweetheart?, and you know it's awesome because there is a punctuation mark in the title. Anyway, it starred Half Pint Ingalls (of course) as a woman who was kidnapped at the age of ten and presumed dead. So she shows back up as an adult and tries to reconcile with her boyfriend, like, who waits around fifteen years or whatever for their presumed dead ten-year-old girlfriend? Losers, that's who. Her mom is also psyched to see her, but her dad isn't buying it and starts investigating to make sure it's really her. I guess back then they didn't have Maury to do the DNA tests. So then Half Pint starts acting all fishy and steals money from her mother to get a passport, and as a viewer, you don't know if she's legit or not, but her story is that her kidnapper killed his daughter, so Half Pint killed her kidnapper and escaped. Five years ago. And no one (except the dad and the cops) cares what she was doing wandering around for five years. Anyway, as you might expect, the shit hits the fan and Half Pint's dad confronts her, and then suddenly her dad is dead and the viewer is supposed to wonder if she killed him, but I guess she didn't, although now that I think about it, they never really explained it. And then her boyfriend gets suspicious of her and finally has DNA testing done using a lock of hair he had from when Half Pint was a girl, and he also thinks to get the kidnapper's body exhumed, as well as that of the kidnapper's daughter, like, what is this, Days of Our Lives with all the exhumations? Well, it turns out that the body in the grave was the real Half Pint. So Fake Half Pint thinks that she's the kidnapper's daughter (apparently she has some memory loss and doesn't know, although the details were fuzzy) and she's all bummed out, but then she finds out that her DNA doesn't match the kidnapper's and so she's just another victim! And then she fights with her boyfriend, and stabs him, but then he forgives her even though she's totally not his childhood sweetheart and they decide to get married, even though they are complete strangers. And it was awesome.
After the break, MJ and Landon say that they would never have guessed. Karamo says that he's not like Willie. Yeah, he's a cool gay guy! I don't know. MJ says that it definitely changes his ideas of how gay people are. Karamo says he doesn't define himself by being gay, because he's still a dude. Yeah, because Willie is a woman. I applaud Karamo's decision to be himself, but I don't see why he feels the need to put Willie down for doing the same. Karamo interviews that he and Willie are letting MJ see that not all gay people are the same. MJ hugs Karamo and says that this won't change their friendship at all which, given the statements MJ has made thus far, was actually pretty cool of him.
Back at the house, Karamo tells Shavonda what happened with the guys. MJ walks in, grinning, and Karamo explains what they were talking about. MJ says he thinks it went better than Karamo had feared, and wonders why everyone worries about him. Karamo jokes that MJ is the "Tennessee All-American redneck." Now who's dealing in stereotypes? MJ walks out. Karamo says that only time will tell how they really feel, but that it's cool so far.
Sarah sits on MJ's lap and he tells her to go to bed. Sarah interviews that she's attracted to MJ, but that she also connects to him as a friend, so she's confused. Yeah, because you couldn't possibly have a guy who's just a friend! Sarah flops into bed and tells Willie that she needs to find a guy outside the house to kiss. Willie asks if that's all she wants, and she says yes, so he accuses her of lying. Willie interviews that Sarah is very sexual, so being without sex for a few days is difficult for her. So get a vibrator. I mean, Cameran had one, for God's sake.
The day, Landon and MJ go on a tour of Philadelphia. They see lots of sights. Landon says that he was shocked by Karamo's admission. In a confessional, Landon says that he's assuming MJ is straight. MJ interviews that if Landon comes out, he'll lose his mind. Man, that would be hilarious. They giggle about the looks on their faces. MJ interviews that Karamo has changed MJ's view of gay people forever. MJ tells Landon that he thought all gay men were like Willie, and Landon tells him to get out of Tennessee. MJ says that's the point of his being in Philadelphia.
That night, Shavonda asks MJ if he's going to the gay club with them. MJ isn't sure, but Shavonda begs him to go because Melanie will make friends and Sarah will make out with gay guys, so she won't have anyone to hang out with. Man, she has Sarah pegged. MJ interviews that Landon already told the girls they would go, so he went with it. They all get ready. MJ says it feels weird to get dressed up to go to a gay bar, and then says he knows he'll be going somewhere afterward. He realizes that made it sound like he'll be hooking up, and laughs.
The roommates are greeted by a drag queen at the door of the club. MJ says he has no idea what it will be like inside. Landon pictures leather chaps. Seriously, if you could see inside Landon and MJ's heads right now, I'm sure it would be like that episode of The Simpsons with the gay steel mill workers. ["Hot sssssssssstuff, coming through!" -- Wing Chun] MJ interviews that there was loud music and dancing, and that he saw some guys look at him, but that he brushed it off. Shavonda interviews that Landon is having a blast, drinking and dancing. Some guys come up and toast Landon for meeting two drag queens. Willie introduces some friends to MJ, who is surprised to find that they have "good firm handshakes." MJ tells Willie that he's having the most fun tonight, and before he met Willie and Karamo, it would have been weird. But now, it's great. Willie is happy MJ is having a good time, and promises that he would leave if MJ wanted to. Imagine all of the above conversations with a lot of drunken slurring.
Sarah tells MJ that she'll respect him if he asks her. I think she's talking about his relationship, like if he tells her to back off, she will. Sarah hangs on MJ and says that he hasn't explained his relationship. MJ thinks he has. Sarah interviews that Ashley has unrealistic expectations, but guys have penises and think about sex a lot. Unlike women, who hate sex. Except Sarah. Sarah says that she won't cross a line with him, and MJ agrees that she shouldn't. Sarah says that she wants to, and that she thinks he wants it too. I thought she wasn't going to cross the line. Sarah interviews that she'll try to respect his relationship, but that she can't promise she won't do something when she's drunk. Ah, Trishelle's famous "being drunk absolves you of responsibility for your actions" defense.