Previously, everyone hated Susie; Derrick killed Davis and ate him and made a necklace from his bones and gave the necklace to Abram; Susie whined; Aneesa didn't want to go home.
As we see a gauzy flashback of the unspeakable tragedy she's describing, Susie narrates that Abram jumped out of the hot tub as she was walking past it and tackled her into the swimming pool. Looking like a drowned rat -- location of drowning: box of Clairol -- Susie huddles in a towel in the bathroom, all hiccupy-hysterical crying. In an interview, she says that it's because of the four Inferno nominations, which "broke" her; more likely it's that Abram is a mean meanie for messing up her hair and failing to kiss her ass. As Susie gulps about how she's getting picked on, Cara looks sad for her, and Paula looks mystified. And bored. Cara interviews about how seeing strong Susie crying blah blah you're a barnacle shut up.
Outside, Abram's like, she's crying? About…that? Johnny Bananas: "You got pushed in the pool. Shut the fuck up, dude." I'm-a stitch that on a pillow.
The clue comes in. It's something involving swinging and strong arms, and only temporarily distracts the menfolk from doing body shots off an inflatable girl. Obviously.
The day, the teams straggle up to the Challenge arena. Susie's hair is in a smackable pair of Mickey-Mouse buns at the top of her head, and she's looking all boo-hoo-poor-me about things as TJ explains the Challenge. It's simpler than most: there are two vertical nets in the water. You climb a net, grab a rope, swing to another net, grab a team flag, swing back, et cetera, until you've snagged all your flags. You have 15 minutes to finish; if you lose the rope or fall into the water, it's a DQ and an automatic 15-minute time.
TJ then explains that Tonya has a doctor's exemption, and the editors treat us to some charming footage of Tonya turbo-chundering into the toilet in the middle of the night as she explains that she couldn't stop throwing up. She makes it out like it's food poisoning or something, but she just told us two weeks ago that she'd started drinking more because of the stress. I'm not saying she's hung over. I'm…just saying. Anyway, the prize for the best individual performers is a four-day trip to Hawaii, which isn't all that great, but of course everyone freaks out about it. Paula and Susie interview about how much each of them needs the Life Shield.
Challenge time. Bananas starts us off with a little Tarzan humor, and he's plugging along until we cut to a reaction shot of Paula and Susie acting like he just fell onto an alligator made of razors and Ebola.
Back from commercials, I expect to find the producers picking Bananas up with a sponge, but of course it's not that big a deal -- he just fell into the water. He talks in an interview about how he's "not feeling well," so I think everyone's kind of hung over today. Certainly nobody's really rocking the net at first: Kenny wants his team to "let [him] show you kids something," then promptly DQs and admits in an interview that he sucks (hee); Alton DQs, bursts into tears, vows to get a job, and leaves the sho-- oh, wait. He rocks it. I think Alton's reputation as Our Lord And Challenge Savior stems from exactly this -- this ability, even though he's fucked up a few times and he sat out a Challenge for a bullshit reason, to do really really well in a way that's memorable, and because it's what people remember, or choose to remember, that's what his reputation is based on.
The cavalcade of competence continues with Derrick, who is very deliberate and finishes in time, and Ace, ditto…but then it's Aneesa's turn. She's struggling, and her team tries to advise her from the beach, but she's not having it, and she's holding the rope with her foot, but then gives up and lets go; it's obvious she's kind of already decided to bail, and she's all complainy with the excuses but Derrick predicts that she's going to DQ, and of course she does.
Cara's . She's zipping up and down the nets, and Susie doesn't "appreciate" that Cara's going so fast, because now she has to compete with Paula and Cara, but to her credit I think she's kidding. Cara DQs by dropping the rope, though, which is Alton's cue to bust on Cara for holding back on Susie's behalf every time. He concludes, "I think she's just shady." Says the guy who's on two MTV reality shows right now. And anyway, she's not shady so much as kind of a follower, and also, shut up, Alton.
Janelle: flail. Anyone else keep forgetting Janelle is even on the show? Paula: talks about how it's crunch time, starts out strong, then catches an ankle and DQs. Abram: accompanied by crazy war-movie music, he interviews that he wants to become a pirate, and kills the course.
Then it's Susie's turn. She says she just has to finish and she'll get the LS. Paula's on the beach, hollering guidance and instructions, which she doesn't have to do, and Bananas notes as much in an interview, adding that Paula's a better person than he for helping Susie out, "knowing how catty Cara and Susie are." Susie finishes and wins the LS, and she interviews about what a relief it is. Alton hugs Paula as she voices over that she wants to help her team, but herself also, and if she goes into the Inferno, she has nothing to lose. "Well, except thousands and thousands of dollars." Hee. Aw, Paula.
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It's Ev's turn; she destroys it. The Bad Asses win, probably as a direct result. Susie and Ev win the Life Shields; Ev and Alton win the Hawaii trips. The viewers win a string of bleeps from Abram. Heh.
Susie perks in an interview that she's in a spot now, because she only has two girls to choose from -- Cara, whom she again refers to as her "BFF," and Paula, who helped her win the LS. "I'm in a bit of a pickle." Well, not really. You promised Cara you'd protect her, so…do that. If you wanted the respect and endorsement of your teammates, you shouldn't have made that agreement, but you did, and you're an even bigger dick if you go back on it now, so it's not so much a pickle as it is the bed that you made.
…Feh. I don't like Susie and I think the agreement with Cara is kind of bogus, but…it worked. They're both still there. It's not like they lied about it, either, really. It sucks that Paula's obviously going to go in, because I like her, but it's too late in the game for anyone on the Good Guys to get bent about it. If the others haven't found a way to oust one of them by now, it…is what it is.
With that said, there's a way to handle the pickle in question (hee, I just said "handle the pickle"), and Susie and Cara's way really isn't it. At least, not if Susie's concerned with everyone liking her. In my opinion, she has no choice but to say without sugarcoating it that she knows it sucks for Paula, and she's sorry about that, but she made a promise to Cara and she's going to honor it. The whole routine where she pretends to hear Alton and the others out about the decision, and makes it out like she's really torn when she already knows she's going to send Paula in, is lame. Just admit it, say you know it sucks, and show her some respect by not lying. Susie fakes to Alton that it's hard when Cara hasn't "been performing," and then she interviews that she knows Paula's better, but she has an agreement with Cara. Bananas makes the excellent point that they can't really know how well Cara will do because she hasn't tried her hardest yet, whereas Paula has all along. In an interview, he bitches that Paula is their best girl player and doesn't deserve to go in, and Cara and Susie both do, and have "from the very beginning."
Cara lays it out for them: she's with Susie, and she knows Paula deserves to stay but she (Cara) deserves to stay too. Again: wrong approach. You can't play both the loyalty card and the deserving card; you don't have the deserving card in your hand, even. This is an integrity issue, so stick with the argument where you actually…have some. Paula is in tears as she wails that it's not fair, and Cara smugly interviews that everyone's pissed at her and Susie and thinks she should volunteer herself to go in, "and that's…just not gonna happen." Alton rags on Cara for smiling all "whatever, it's a game" while Paula is crying, as he should, and good for him. Paula rants again that she shouldn't go in while Cara and Susie look sad that not everyone loves their plan. Which is the bottom line, for me. If this is your play, fine, but you can't realistically expect anyone else to get on board with it.
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Inferno time. TJ is not wearing his usual hat, and he should, because his hair is all sorts of no right now. Ev declines to save Aneesa, and Susie gives a whole speech about how she had a tough decision to make and the person she's sending in is a very good friend, and then she picks…Paula. Paula looks grim as she marches down to the Inferno space. "Way to do the right thing, Susie, yeahhhhh!" Bananas yells, with a sarcastic slow clap. I don't know what he expected, but still: heh.
Paula interviews about the ugliness of the decision. Aneesa interviews about Paula losing to her the last time they met in a Challenge face-off, but she's cool with losing to Paula if it comes to that. The Inferno itself involves shimmying up two narrow corridors and grabbing team flags; the first to the top is the winner, so it's sudden death and not two out of three. Before they start, Aneesa delivers the obligatory "don't want to go home so near the end" monologue. Paula says she used to do this kind of thing at home, which…huh? Did she grow up in a lighthouse? The garbage compactor from Star Wars?
Go time. Between Aneesa's bad knee and the fact that Paula is taller and can get better traction, it's not close; Paula wins it in no time. There's an icky reaction shot of Susie clapping and smiling really huge, probably because she thinks the whole issue is water under the bridge since Paula didn't lose. Susie then interviews something icky about how Paula is strong, but the team dynamic has changed, so hopefully they can pull it together, blah. Paula is thrilled, and hopes everyone can let it go so they can win the last Challenge as a team; Aneesa is upset, and says it's sad to leave everyone and it sucks to get so close and not make it.
TJ tells them to get some rest. Derrick interviews that their team is going to win. Susie voices over that the Good Guys need to get over it: "Stop being mean to me, and let's win some money!" Susie. You can't. Have it. Both. Ways. Ass.
time: Looks like everyone else on the Good Guys is giving Cara and Susie the silent treatment, which is counterproductive, and yet strangely, I approve. Also, Derrick is sick of losing Challenges -- maybe you guys heard something about that.
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