Welcome everyone, to the new season of the Real World. Have you heard? It's in New Orleans. I wasn't sure if you caught that, given the nine million promos MTV has been running for it. Anyway, the episode kicks off with the standard "true story" script except instead of "picked to live in a house," they've been "picked to live in a mansion." I kind of wish they would skip the credits on the first episode, because it ruins any drama there might normally be about who exactly made the cut. Then again, the commercials during the casting special did the same thing, so I don't know why it matters.
The first roommate we meet is Julie, a twenty-year-old from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who is a student at Brigham Young University. She's standing on a street corner, waiting for her luck to change, with a guitar case. Oh good Lord, please tell me we won't have to listen to her playing the guitar. I would be willing to bet that she really, really likes Jewel. Just a hunch. Julie is wearing a cardigan sweater and hugging herself as if it's a little chilly. Anyway, she tells us that she's waiting for a "streetcar" that's going to take her to her new place where she'll meet new people. I guess that's for those of you who have never seen or heard of this show before. In an interview, where Julie is wearing a really bright yellow sweatshirt that hurts my eyes, she tells us that she goes to Brigham Young University, in case you are illiterate, or forgot the information that was displayed on the screen ten seconds earlier. She tells us BYU is 99.5% Mormon. This seems like an appropriate place to say that I was under the impression that people of the Mormon faith preferred to be called Latter-Day Saints or LDS, but since Julie says Mormon, I'm going to as well. At her university, co-ed living is against the rules, and they don't know that she is going to be on the Real World, and she doesn't know how they'll react when they find out. Well, since it's against the rules, I would guess they won't be that happy.
we see David, a twenty-two-year old from Chicago, Illinois, who attends Culver-Stockton College. He's carrying a backpack with an Ernie (from Sesame Street) doll attached. In an interview, he tells us that he thinks his roommates initial reaction to him will be fear. He's a big fella. He's got those crazy, lumpy neck muscles. David is wearing a tank top. Men should not wear tank tops, except for working out, or sleeping. Even then, it's iffy. Plus, Julie was wearing a sweater, so I'm guessing it's not so hot that David just couldn't stand to wear sleeves.
David and Kelley are sitting outside talking. David says that Kelley travels a lot. He is stirring his drink with a knife for some reason. Kelley says she needs "constant stimulation," and asks if David likes to go out. David says he does, but he doesn't drink, and dancing is his "high." In an interview, David says when he goes out, he's looking for "fine" and "cute" women, because "that's how a playa operates." I'm already tired of his playa schtick. It's played out, yo. David confesses that he wants to strip in a club at some point. Kelley doesn't believe it. David says he only wants to do it once because he's "worked so hard" on his body, and he's proud of it. In the background, you can see Julie on the phone, probably calling her florist to order the flowers for her wedding to Matt.
Danny asks Melissa if she's ever been to New Orleans, and as they arrive at the house, they're all, "Hey, this house sucks! It's so small and crappy!" Of course, they're not. They're all, "Woo! This house rocks!" Danny says that the house looks like Tara and Melissa says, "Who's Tara?" Shout-out? Probably not. And by the way, look at the brains on Melissa! Danny explains he was referring to the plantation from Gone With the Wind. They run up to the house, and Melissa practically shoves Danny over in her rush to get to the door first. In a voice-over, Melissa says she was expecting a butler to answer the door. Anyway, as they walk up to the door, they debate over whether they should knock. Danny decides to just walk in, and everyone hugs everyone else. I must be a huge prude, because I'm really not comfortable hugging people I just met. Clearly, these folks don't have that problem. In an interview, Melissa says her first impression of David is that his "muscles are way too big." Girl, I feel you. Everyone starts giving their bio, and Melissa yells for everyone to take turns because she wants to hear everything. Oh, I get it. It's all about her. They look around the house, and we get about the fifth boom mike sighting of the episode thus far. I haven't been mentioning them because there are so many, it would really interrupt the flow of the recap. Anyway, Melissa is so excited about the house that she has to grab someone's butt. Matt is the closest, so she grabs away. Now, if their genders were reversed, someone probably would have filed charges. I'm just saying. Matt says, in the flattest monotone possible, "She grabbed my butt," but he actually manages some inflection when he follows it up with, "She's all up in my seam." Danny warns them that Melissa is "freaky." Someone mentions the robot dog (but doesn't mention the robot part) and Melissa says they can't have a dog because she "does not like animals." Wow, she just went down like ten notches in my book. Plus, she did that hair pat thing again. What is she, Mae West? Melissa says she wishes the last roommate would arrive so they could pick their bedrooms.
Danny and Kelley get into bed together and Kelley says Jamie will be joining them. Julie says she's never slept in the same room with a boy. Kelley asks her about her brother, and Julie says he's not a boy and it doesn't count. Kelley jokes that in Arkansas it counts, and I think I heard the crew cracking up. In a confessional, Julie says that at BYU, her friends consider her wild, liberal and radical but in this house she's "Molly Mormon" again. Julie leaves. Guys, this is the funniest moment in the show. Jamie comes dancing into the room, doing a little jig and looking at the floor. He looks up and sees Danny in the bed, and just stops dead, then turns and walks out of the room. Ha! Clearly, he either thought he was going to get lucky and felt shot down, or he was nervous about sleeping in the same bed as Danny. Either way, it was funny as hell. I rewound it like ten times. Kelley goes after him and asks why he's not joining them. Jamie mumbles a lame excuse about having to work the day. Kelley gets back into bed with Danny and says that her mom said, "You don't have to worry about abstinence with a gay guy, because they're the safest thing in the world to have in bed." Julie says that if Danny wakes up straight, she'll be worried. So Julie knows Danny is gay? I'm surprised the producers didn't make a bigger drama out of that discovery, considering how on the casting special she said she thought homosexuality was disgusting. I hope they don't try to pretend that she doesn't know week. Anyway, Kelley says she's "not that good" and Danny says he hasn't woken up straight in twenty-two years.
David and Matt are eating breakfast. David asks Matt what he thinks Julie would be like in a relationship. Matt says she would be "selfless and giving." In an interview, David says that Julie and he have "the music thing" in common. David says that he and Julie have "completely different" lifestyles, but maybe that's why he's drawn to her. He says this to Matt, by the way.
In an interview, Danny says he's feeling the temptation to "hook up, big time." I'm feeling the temptation to tell him not to say "big time" anymore. Danny calls Paul and they talk about how much they miss each other and whether they should be exclusive. Danny channels Gay David from Seattle by saying "kid" a lot. The producers also get a lot of shots of him touching his ankle but because of the weird camera angle, it looks like he's putting his hand down his pants or something. Anyway, after Danny gets off the phone, he puts on his headphones and sits at the breakfast bar while Melissa and Matt sit in the background. I swear to God, Matt is always in the background.
Julie asks David if he thinks he's a "player," and points out a bumper sticker he owns that says, "Move out of the way or you're gonna get played." David says he has experience, and experience is the key to life, so he's living life. Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either. Julie asks him about his first impression of her. David says he thought she was "fresh like a snowflake" and David felt like he would corrupt her. In a confessional, Julie says that she has a connection with David, and they're "meshed" and she can see into him and he can see into her. What? Where did that come from? David compares himself to dirty, slushy snow, and Julie says, "Yellow snow?" Once again, Matt is in the room for this conversation, even though he hasn't said a word, and you didn't even see that he was there until the end. Dude, he's creeping me out. He's everywhere! David asks if Julie could ever see herself with a person like him. Julie says she doesn't know and giggles. David needs to tone it down about ten notches.
David hums along with a tape recorder, and informs us in a voice-over that he is "writing a song" for Julie based on one of her guitar parts. Oh my God. You know before, when I said that Jamie's jig was the funniest part of the episode? I lied. This is. David is making these strained faces while he sings, like he's trying to push out a bowel movement, and it is so hysterical. He's so deadly serious about the whole thing. Anyway, he is clearly infatuated with Julie. He says some other stuff in this scene, between songs, but that's what it boils down to.
Matt and Julie are playing pool and he mentions that he might fly a friend named Tammy down. Julie asks who Tammy is, and Matt says she's a former girlfriend. In an interview, Matt says he can't tell when girls are interested in him. Julie says she thought about flying John down, obviously trying to make Matt jealous. In an interview, Julie says she would like to find someone to love, or even a good friend. Julie tells Matt she's planning on marrying a guy who is her best friend, and they will have known each other forever, and it'll be right. Then she waits until Matt turns his back and mouths, "You!" and points at him, and then writes "I heart Matt" with pool chalk on the table. Matt doesn't get it.
Julie is on the phone with her friend, "Tifani." She says Matt "drives her crazy" because he's "so perfect." See, I'm still not feeling it. Tifani surmises that Matt always has the right words to say and always looks good. Are we all talking about the same Matt here? The breakdancer? In an interview, Julie says she thinks Matt is "awesome" and a "wonderful person." Then she calls her mom to tell her to book a reception hall for her upcoming nuptials to Matt.