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Summer gets suspended from Brown and heads home. Bright tries to get back into her good graces, while Seth tries to hunt Bright down to go all "Ryan Atwood" on him. The real Ryan Atwood keeps having hallucinations of Taylor Townsend looking all '80s while she cleans doors and roller-skates. He realizes that this means he likes Taylor, but he's not sure he's ready for another relationship. Julie is definitely not ready for another relationship if it's with the obnoxious BULLET, who stalks her and brings customers to New Match in an attempt to win her over. This ruins the anniversary celebration that Sandy and Kirsten weren't aware they had planned in the first place. Meanwhile, Kaitlin tries to be a real high-school student for once, and ends up throwing a party to spite some snotty girl. Everyone ends up here, where Seth gets to throw Bright in the pool, only to send Summer in there with him. Summer decides to forgive Bright because she did, after all, break into the science lab so she can accept the consequences of her actions. Unlike Bright, who takes his rich daddy's limo home. Seth decides to put RISD off for another semester so he and Summer can start school in Rhode Island at the same time. And Taylor and Ryan find a way to make out without feeling weird about it. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
After a seamless cut from the "previously on" shot of Ryan and Taylor kissing, we go into a music video from approximately 1987. Taylor Townsend, her hair a-teased and a-permed, humps the Cohen's kitchen counter in an ethereal white dress while a bug-eyed Ryan watches her. "What's cookin', Ryan?" she asks. Except that Sandy's actually the one doing the talking, as he, in the real kitchen, offers Ryan a freshly-schmeared bagel in a fish-eye lens. This snaps Ryan out of his little fantasy world. He says he's just "going to see if Seth's up," since Ryan obviously is. Seth walks into the kitchen, ready to go to Rhode Island to check out RISD and check on Summer. Ryan panics; he needs Seth's advice. Seth needs Ryan's bagel. The Cohens wonder if Seth should be visiting Summer after agreeing to give her space. Butt out, Cohens! Unless, of course, they're the ones paying for all those plane tickets to Rhode Island. Seth leaves for his cab (I guess no one wants to drive him to the airport and Seth doesn't know how to call the Super Shuttle), telling Ryan they'll talk once Seth lands in Providence.
Summer meets with the Head of the Deans, who informs her that she is suspended from Brown until fall, effective immediately. She doesn't even get to do her finals! I'll tell you, there were times in college when I would've loved to be suspended to get away from the stress of studying for finals. Not Summer; she says she has nowhere to go and nothing to do. The Dean helpfully suggests she can start packing and go home. And maybe think about this time she has the desire to free some bunnies.
So Summer has to pack up her room. Down go all those environmental awareness posters that got her into trouble in the first place and the T-shirts that I never understood why they were on the wall and not in her dresser. Summer tells Pancakes, who now has its own special carrier but still no cage, that they're on their own from now on. Bright walks in and has no shame. He tells Summer that "back at the reservation," he was taught that sometimes the weaker gazelle must be eaten so the rest of the herd could survive. I'm sure Summer loves being called a weak gazelle. Isn't calling something a "weak gazelle" redundant? Don't they have those ridiculously thin legs that break easily? Summer threatens to tie Bright up with hemp rope and set him on fire so she can get high off the fumes. You can get high from burning hemp? I wonder if that's why Woody Harrelson loves hemp so much... Summer says she really liked Brown and the person she became there. Bright says that just makes her sacrifice all the more powerful, as if Summer had sacrificed herself and not had her ass handed to her by her crappy asshole friend. Bright leaves, so dejected that he bumps into some passing guy's shoulder. The scene ends here, so feel free to imagine that guy spinning around and beating the crap out of Bright.
Back at the Cohen's, Ryan is lacing up his shoes at the poolhouse when he looks under the bed and into another fantasy, this one of Taylor Townsend soaping up the glass doors. He's interrupted by Kirsten, and that's the second time now that Ryan's had a sex fantasy while his adopted mom was nearby. Ew. Kirsten says she's hoping to audition for the role of Seth, which she expects to become vacant once Seth leaves for college. She's definitely getting off on the right foot, entering the poolhouse without knocking just like Seth does. And it's a nice gesture, but... you're his mother, Kirsten. Come on now. You can't really expect him to confide in you like he does Seth. Kirsten takes a seat and asks Ryan how best to become Seth. Ryan says she has to talk about herself a lot and then Ryan will solve his problems on his own. "Hm," Kirsten responds. She decides to do things her way instead, and asks Ryan about all the time he's been spending with Taylor lately. "Have I?" Ryan asks, his voice getting all high-pitched with denial. But he needs advice, so he tells Kirsten that he and Taylor kissed, and now he can't get her out of his mind. "That is so cute!" Kirsten gushes. "Okay, Seth never does that," Ryan says. Hee. Kirsten says that Ryan's been through a lot lately, so he deserves something good. And if that something is Taylor, he should at least be open to it. Ryan says she's right and tells her she's on the short list for being the New Seth. She smiles as if this were promising, which it isn't. There are only, like, five cast members for Ryan to choose from for his New Seth. That means everyone is on the short list.
Spencer, son of BULLET, shows up at the Roberts mansion to give Kaitlin her restrung tennis racket. Kaitlin the Klueless tries once again to flirt with him, but he's still not having it. He says he has a "no jail bait" policy. Kaitlin pronounces this "lame." You know who else thinks age of consent laws are lame? Pedophiles. I'm just saying. Spencer advises her to start dating guys her own age.
Just as the music cues up for Ryan to launch into another fantasy, the real Taylor Townsend shows up behind him. He says he can't talk and tries to run away, but she calls him back, saying she isn't at the Promenade to stalk him; she's covering for Seth at the comic books store while he's in Rhode Island. Interesting substitute policy there, comic books store. Taylor apologizes to Ryan for kissing him the other night. He says it's cool while looking extremely uncomfortable. Taylor doesn't seem to notice and says she's relieved, because a lot of times when she kisses a guy, he ends up crying because she tends to be a "biter." I'll bet this gets her out of having to perform oral sex. Remembering Kirsten's advice, Ryan asks Taylor what her plans are for tonight. Not quite getting it, she says she's going to update her blog, which is all about the "erotic memoirs of a soulful college girl," even though Taylor's not in college anymore and most times, those things are written by forty-five year-old men claiming to be college girls. Plus I'm pretty sure Summer's roommate has already cornered the market on that kind of thing. Ryan makes his intentions a little more obvious, and she realizes what he's doing and decides to forget about that blog for the time being. Her answer is "YES2! ï" They decide to have a really lame date in the comic book store because that means the show doesn't have to pay for a new set.
It's water polo time at Harbor! Kaitlin stops by and says hello to the Cute Ward, who's just hopping out of the pool for no reason other than to run into her. And show us his speedo-clad body. I have no objections to this. She says she's trying to fit into the school scene and takes a seat in the bleachers. Two girls sitting behind her spring to life and loudly debate whether or not they should ask Kaitlin something until Kaitlin just turns around and says, "do you bitches have a problem?" Way to make friends, Kaitlin. But the girls do not take offense to Kaitlin's name-calling and ask her if she's friends with the Cute Ward and can she put in a good word for them? When will Kaitlin realize that the Cute Ward is really hot? He'd be a great boyfriend. The girls finally introduce themselves as Olivia and Lea, and Kaitlin asks them if anyone would care if she smoked a joint behind the bleachers. Oh, someone wants attention! And she gets it, as the girls gasp and exclaim that smoking pot is totally illegal. But Kaitlin's moment in the sun is soon rained upon when Designated Evil Popularity Princess Riley steps up and demands that the girls stop cheering her water polo player boyfriend, Connor, on and get home to make invitations to Riley's party for her. Riley walks off, and Kaitlin asks Olivia and Lea why they let Riley treat them like that. They say that Riley's sweet sixteen party has a pimps and hoes theme (classy!) and the only way they can get an invite is if they help her with the invitations. "Everyone who's anyone at this school is going to that party," Olivia says. Do teenagers actually talk like this? The high school I went to certainly didn't have such an obvious and strict social hierarchy. It was a public school, though.
Ryan calls Seth, who's just getting into Providence. He hasn't seen Summer yet, but he's on his way to her dorm with a special all-night finals study package: Dunkin' Donuts coffee and "some reasonably-priced meth from this homeless guy." Watch out, The O.C.! It turns out that people don't like it when you make fun of homeless people. Plus, everyone knows that homeless people smoke crack, not meth. Not all homeless people are druggies, though! Some have just had some hard times and slipped through the cracks and things are hard enough for them without being made fun of as well. Anyway, Seth remembers that Ryan had a problem this morning and asks him about it, but Ryan just says things are "weird," and about to get "weirder," but he won't give Seth the details. Not that Seth really cares.
New Match pretends it serves a purpose as Kirsten and Julie meet with a woman who is not meeting the kind of guy she wants, even after seven different dates. This indicates that New Match has at least eight clients, which is ten more than I would have guessed. That's right: I thought New Match had negative two clients. That's how much it sucks. Pam demands a date with a man who will surprise her. She walks out as BULLET walks in holding a bouquet of flowers, but Pam and BULLET do not make a love match. Instead, he just remarks that Newport women are "well-preserved" and says something about his tight slacks that I don't want to investigate. I do like that he used the word "slacks" though. BULLET hands his "girlfriend" some flowers and says they'll be going off to dinner now, sans Kirsten as, BULLET says, "she don't look much like an eater." Oh, and Julie does? Kirsten is more than happy to be excused from this awkward social situation and leaves Julie to fend for herself. Julie tells BULLET that he repulses her and even if he didn't, she already has plans tonight: she has to go on a "major recruiting mission" to get dates for Pam. That should be an interesting night for Julie. BULLET still doesn't give up and is starting to venture into creepy stalker territory, so Julie threatens him with a stun gun she just happens to have handy, and the fact that she has one of those within arm's reach at all times is pretty awesome. BULLET wisely backs off, but still tells Julie to call him. Ugh.
Ryan and Taylor Townsend's date is going lamely. They watch some anime on the comic book store's flatscreen TV and eat popcorn. In a nice show of continuity, Taylor Townsend is still a fan of anime, saying she watches whatever movie they're watching every night. The decapitations help her relax, she says. This might be another reason why she only gets four hours of sleep a night. Ryan decides to try his luck and does The Move, pretending to yawn and then placing his arm around Taylor's shoulder. They look at each other and lean in to kiss and then... nothing. Ryan can't follow through. He apologizes and gets ready to leave. Taylor's pretty sure she didn't misread the signals this time and wants to know what Ryan's problem is. He says it's "too weird." He means that in a "it's not you, it's me" way, but Taylor assumes he's talking about her and leaves the store, all offended. I hope she locked up before she left, or else she'll be fired from the job she never had in the first place.
Summer enters Seth's bedroom, but he's not there. How did she get into the house, though? If Sandy or Kirsten let her in, surely they would have told her that Seth was in Rhode Island. So she must have walked right in when no one was home. I can't wait for the Very Special Episode where the Cohens get their asses robbed. Summer calls Seth, who's standing in her empty Brown room, wondering where she is. Again, how did he get in there? Did Amber let him in? And then not tell him that Summer wasn't there? Oh, who cares? Moving on, Summer tells Seth about how Bright got her kicked out of school. Seth says he knows what to do. He's going to hurt Bright. Summer thinks he's kidding, but Seth says he's going to "go so Ryan Atwood on [his] ass." Summer makes a few disapproving comments, but you know she finds the idea of her man avenging her honor to be totally hot.
After telling Ryan not to tell Sandy about her intention to be the Seth, Kirsten went and told Sandy about it herself, and now he's in the Poolhouse trying to get the job, even bringing Ryan his morning coffee to bribe him. Ryan says he doesn't need advice anymore; he handled the Taylor thing last night, although probably not the best possible way. He gets more animated than I think I've ever seen him on this show as he says that at first, he thought the problem was that he was too invested in Volchok to be able to have a relationship. Then he thought maybe Taylor was too weird for him. But now he's thinking that the problem is him. "Maybe it's too soon," he says. Sandy says Ryan and Taylor can just be casual. There's no need to plunge into a relationship. Wait, what? Why that... that would almost be realistic! Ryan agrees to take Sandy's advice, figuring he doesn't have any other choice since Taylor Townsend is in the opening credits and therefore pretty difficult to avoid for the rest of the season. Sandy says he'll be in his room reading comics and listening to indie rock. Ryan compliments his Seth-acting abilities. Not me, though. I believe that should be emo rock, not indie rock. And those aren't "comics," they're "graphic novels."
Summer spent the night sleeping outside on her chaise lounge with Pancakes. She and Seth talk over the phone again, and Seth is ready to knock some sense into Bright. His first plan was to pull a Julie (how did he know she did that? I guess he read the script) and smother Bright with a pillow while he was asleep, but Bright spent last night at some lame candlelight vigil. So now he's just going to kick Bright's door in. He does, and it's pretty awesome. Brown might want to consider buying some stronger doors, though, if one kick from Seth can blow them open. "This place reeks of incense and righteousness," Seth proclaims. Summer says that's Bright's "musk," and I don't want to know anything more about that. Bright isn't in his room, nor, Seth says, was Summer's roommate last night. "That's because she's a huge slut," Summer says. Since Seth probably slept on Amber's bed last night (Summer's doesn't have any bedding on it, and I don't know about you, but I can't sleep unless I'm swathed in linens!), I'll bet that's not something he really wanted to know. Come to think of it, Brown's student body really isn't getting a great showing here. We've got one girl who uses environmental activism to escape from reality, another girl who sleeps around and calls it a sociology experiment, and Bright, who is a tool of the first order. Seth finds something on Bright's bed. "What's this?" he asks. Summer says she doesn't know, as she is only on the phone and therefore can't see. It's a DVD addressed to Seth. He pops it into a laptop that I guess belongs to Summer's roommate? It's in Summer's room and it isn't Summer's, so that's what I'll go with. Apparently, sluts don't have the right to expect people not to use their things without asking. Bright, doing his best Osama Bin Laden impression, pops up on the screen and says he's heard of Seth's mission against him and he will be in hiding until everyone calms down, as he is a pacifist (a.k.a. wimp). Seth resolves to hunt Bright down, but Summer would rather have him home with her instead.
Summer hangs up on Seth as Julie comes outside, surprised to see the stepdaughter-that-never-was sleeping in her backyard. Summer says that Taylor's sleeping in her bedroom and there are apparently no other bedrooms in the entire MANSION, so she slept out there. Julie says she's here for Summer if she needs anything, which is very kind of her until you remember that Julie's living in Summer's dad's house and could be kicked out if she isn't nice to Summer. Julie also recommends that Summer go reclaim her bedroom from Taylor, as Taylor has "boundary issues." Nice understatement, Julie.
Riley has assembled everyone who's anyone at Harbor at the water polo bleachers because otherwise, they'd have to break out another set. It's time for the announcement of who's going to her party and who isn't. Who ARE these high schoolers? Why do they stand for this? Riley calls a few excited girls forward to claim their invitations and then a HUGE cloud of smoke wafts from behind the wall to the bleachers. It's Kaitlin, smoking the hell out of some weed. Seriously, that was like a house fire's worth of smoke she blew out there. And no one in the bleachers seemed to see or smell it. I'm becoming more and more convinced that they're all robots made by Riley to feed her ego. Question: how come Kaitlin smokes weed all the time but never seems stoned? I'd love it if her only purpose on the show was to just walk around the show giggling at various storylines and characters. Riley finishes handing out the invitations, and Olivia and Lea are shocked not to be included. Riley says they ruined the envelopes with their saliva, so, no invites for them. At this, Kaitlin steps forward and invites Olivia and Lea, as well as anyone else who didn't get to go to Riley's party, to her own house party. Riley says that her party will feature sushi and Danity Kane. "Sushi is high in mercury, and Danity Kane sucks," Kaitlin says. I've never heard Danity Kane, but I'll take Kaitlin's word for it. I wonder if Danity Kane rejected an offer from The O.C. to earn such scorn. Kailtin says her party will feature five kegs, a quarter ounce of weed, and no parents, thereby making it five hundred percent more appealing than Riley's. She tells the crowd to invite anyone they want and says no one has to dress up like a pimp or a ho. I hope no one invites any actual pimps, or they're going to be very embarrassed! Olivia and Lea thank Kaitlin for the invite while Kaitlin tries to figure out how to get rid of Julie and obtain five kegs by tonight. Shockingly, this is not followed by a montage of her handing out party invites over a Toad the Wet Sprocket song. Another missed opportunity, The O.C..
Julie and Kirsten are shocked to find a crowd of young, hot, suitable bachelors on their New Match doorstep. I'd be shocked to find customers too, if I were them. It's Spencer and his friends, and they have the money to pay for memberships at New Match (a fee that Kirsten claims is "rather steep," as if New Match were high-end enough for that. They should be paying people to use them!). Spencer hands Julie a check and his cell phone, which is ringing. BULLET is on the other end. He shouts his stupid trademark "bang!" and asks Julie what she thinks of his amazing bachelor-wrangling abilities. Julie doesn't seem to appreciate his gesture, turning down his offer to spend the weekend with her by claiming to have plans to spend it with Kirsten and Sandy at the Montage for their anniversary. Couldn't she have just said "no" and left it at that? Julie is an idiot for telling BULLET where she'll be, as he says he'll see her there and hangs up. Now Julie has to plan an anniversary weekend for Kirsten and Sandy. If it involves five kegs and a quarter ounce of weed, she's in luck.
Ryan stops by the comic book store on his way out of work. Taylor's there after hours, but she's not alone. She has a new male friend. Roger is your standard O.C. version of a "nerd," that is, an attractive guy with glasses and weird hair that try to make him look less attractive. He and Taylor share a love of anime, and Taylor claims to be smitten with him. Ryan says he was just stopping by to offer a ride home. "I've got my bike, thanks," Roger geeks. "Not you," Ryan says, shooting him a death ray glare. Taylor says that while she'd love to get a ride home from a friend, she and Roger were planning to spend the night hanging out in the comic book store, which seems to have no problem with its temporary employees using it as a date spot. Ryan walks off, looking very disappointed indeed. Too little, too late. Hilariously, the closed captioning actually has Roger saying a line that we don't hear on the show: "most stores won't even let me in, but you did."
Meanwhile, Summer is packing up a box and wearing a shirt I covet. She's on the phone with Seth, who's just getting a cab ride home from the airport. Summer says she told her father about her suspension and says he was "disappointed." I'll bet he was -- he just paid for a semester of Ivy League tuition for nothing! The doorbell rings, and Summer jumps to answer, hoping it's Seth. But it's not -- it's Bright, kneeling on the doorstep. He says he's come to atone for his sins. Summer slams the door in his face. Ha! Good. Then she opens it just so she can close it again!
Back from commercial, Kaitlin is telling someone on the phone (this show is, like, 60% phone conversations) to circle the block with the kegs until she can get her mother out of the house. This proves to be quite simple, as Julie is packing up for a weekend at The Montage with Kirsten and Sandy. Way to not even tell your daughter you were leaving for an entire weekend, there, Mother of the Year. No wonder your kids keep dying! Kaitlin asks if Kirsten and Sandy are "spicing up" their marriage with a sprinkling of Julie, and Julie asks her daughter how old she is, since threesomes are subjects only people of a certain age should be discussing. Kaitlin says she'll be fine on her own for the weekend, and Julie says that she's leaving Taylor Townsend and Summer in charge. Kaitlin didn't even know Summer was home. At this point, Summer leads Bright through the kitchen to get him some water. Julie and Kaitlin watch them pass and exchange matching "Summer's friend smells like Nag Champa and dirt. Ew." looks.
Summer and Bright continue on to the kitchen so Bright can have some water before he dehydrates. Way to fall for that, Summer. She accuses Bright of being a liar, a chicken, a snake, and a rat. Not to mention whatever animal gets dehydrated really easily. Bright says that those are all "God's creatures" and just as fallible as he is. He made a mistake. Summer doesn't agree; Bright deliberately used her. True. But Bright says he needs her forgiveness to survive, like Summer should really care about his welfare at this point, and requests a "truth circle" on the front lawn. Summer says that truth circles, petitions, and tree-chainings won't work on her, and then Bright handcuffs himself to her. He says he will not unlock the handcuffs until they are done healing. Summer should just call the cops. And a locksmith. Doesn't Bright have finals to worry about?
Sandy is loving his anniversary trip to The Montage until Kirsten tells him that there are a few strings attached -- strings named Julie and BULLET. Kirsten refers to them as a "small wrinkle," and Julie immediately regrets driving Dr. Neil away from Newport and therefore losing her best plastic surgeon. Kirsten promises Sandy she'll make everything up to him later tonight. In the bedroom. Hopefully off-camera.
Taylor and Roger head into Taylor's bedroom, where they find Summer unpacking her stuff with one hand and handcuffed to Bright with the other. Greetings are exchanged, and Summer informs Taylor that she's reclaiming her room and Taylor will be sleeping in the guest room from now on. Taylor congratulates Summer on her new kinky sexual proclivities, bringing a scrubby dirty hippie into the bedroom with her and Seth. Summer denies this, and she and Bright start fighting, so Taylor decides to take her leave of them. Then they hear a noise downstairs.
The noise is five kegs being rolled across the foyer. Summer and Taylor manage to lecture Kaitlin and try to figure out which one of them is the house's alpha female. Neither issue is really resolved. Bright says he can "entertain" Kaitlin's party guests with "some festive tribal music," and I almost kind of like him again. Then he says that the didgeridoo is in the car, and I hate him once more. Kaitlin pronounces Bright a freak and refuses to buy into his crap. Summer refuses to acknowledge Bright's existence. Kaitlin tells the Wards to keep rolling the kegs outside. Summer and Taylor yell at her again, while Roger starts helping the Clown Ward lift the keg. Looks like the alpha female here is Kaitlin.
Ha! Ryan is flicking through the channels when an ad for True Life Skanks of Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley comes on. Now there's a meta reference I like! On another channel is Taylor, wearing rollerskates and asking Ryan to ride with her. But the fantasy is once again interrupted, this time by Seth, home from Rhode Island. He complains about having to watch the same in-flight movie three times and updates Ryan on Summer's school suspension. He says he's heading over to Summer's house right now. Ryan asks if he can go, too, because Taylor will be there, and Ryan likes Taylor. Seth is shocked and appalled, but Ryan says he keeps imagining Taylor on rollerskates with buckets of soapy water. "Your fantasies are so pedestrian," Seth says. "Doesn't mean [they're] not hot," Ryan counters. I doubt he'd talk to either of the New Seth candidates like this.
Kaitlin's party is in full swing. Clown Ward does a keg stand while Taylor passes out board games and begs the guests to "get high on life." This gets her a face full of water, as well it should. Meanwhile, Summer and Bright walk past a couple making out on Summer's favorite tanning chair. Bright hands them a condom and doesn't Summer find it a bit weird that Bright just happens to have a condom in his pocket like that? What was he expecting out of tonight? We cut to a duplicate shot of Clown Ward doing his keg stand to end the scene.
And where is Kaitlin? She's playing "Seven Minutes in Heaven." Sometimes Kaitlin acts like she's thirty-five, and sometimes, like now, she acts like she's eleven. Lea exits the closet with the Cute Ward and Kaitlin picks a name out of a hat. It's Connor, Riley's boyfriend who ditched Riley's party to come here. This seems like quite the coup for Kaitlin until she and Connor get in the closet and Connor starts trying to have a conversation with Kaitlin instead of making out with her. When Kaitlin kisses him, he looks absolutely terrified, and Kaitlin asks him if he's gay. "I don't think so," Connor says. "Sweetheart, you're so gay," Kaitlin says.
At The Montage, BULLET is alienating everyone. "I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff," he says. Wrong, BULLET. Everyone knows that it's the Asians who are good at math. The Jews are good with money. Get your stereotypes right. Sandy hints that BULLET might be kind of offensive, and BULLET tells him to "hold on, He-bro" before talking about how weird it is that the Jews control the media and everyone knows it. He thinks the Jews should say someone else controls the media to cause less resentment. It's not like they haven't tried, BULLET. Look at Sumner Redstone, real name: Sumner Murray Rothstein. Or designer Ralph Lauren, real name: Ralphie Lifshitz. And don't forget Bob Dylan, real name: Bob Zimmerman. Anyway, the comment reduces Sandy to stunned silence, and even though it seems ridiculous and cartoonish for BULLET to talk this way, I have to say that I have had similar experiences with people like him. There are people out there who really think that Jews are some alien race of nonhumans who go around trying to subvert the media for their own evil purposes. And I'll say something like "No, I don't think so," and they'll say, "Then why are there so few Jews in America but so many of them in the entertainment industry?" And I'll say that I apparently didn't get the memo sent to all Jews about our secret plans for world domination and will be sure to ask Steven Spielberg to send me a copy. And that shuts them up, because I've told them what they wanted to hear.
Kirsten tries to change the subject to their delicious dinner, but BULLET just laughs at her and says "Like you ate," before saying she must be saving room for booze. A mortified Julie whispers to him that Kirsten doesn't drink, and I'm sure Kirsten appreciates her private business getting around to a big obnoxious loudmouth. Kirsten says she has a headache and will be heading off to bed now, earning her another comment from BULLET about how Kirsten apparently doesn't have sex, either. And how could she, what with her Jewish husband's tiny penis and all? Oh, and let's not forget his horns and crooked, money-grubbing fingers. Sandy thanks BULLET for his company and says his "point of view regarding the Middle East is something [Sandy] will treasure forever." And he and Kirsten will be canceling their room and heading home now, thank you very much. BULLET asks Julie what happened to Sandy and Kirsten's recommitment ceremony, and Julie explains that that was a lie she told him to avoid him because he's an "ignorant buffoon." And yet, it still didn't work because Julie, Sandy, and Kirsten don't have spines. Julie excuses herself to "salvage [her] friendship" with the Cohens. That friendship has survived framing Ryan for attempted murder and sending Ryan to Mexico on a revenge killing mission, so I think it'll be okay with an unpleasant dinner. Then again, Jews are known to harbor petty grudges, so maybe not.
Back at Party Central, teenagers are indiscriminately mixing various liquors in a blender. Ryan and Seth enter and decide to split up.
Ryan enters Summer's bedroom without so much as knocking, where he finds Roger in bed with someone. And that someone is Connor! Guess he figured out his sexuality after all. "Is this your boyfriend?" Connor asks Roger, who just shakes his head "no." Ryan averts his eyes and asks if Taylor's in there with them. She isn't, making this one of the only threesome opportunities she's missed. Instead of leaving the guys alone to do their thing, Ryan decides to defend Taylor's honor, saying that Taylor really likes Roger and it's wrong of him to lead her on if he's actually gay. Roger, who has sex with his glasses on, says that Taylor paid him off with a rare Kitano action figure to pretend to be her boyfriend. Ryan tells the boys to carry on and leaves. They do just that. Here's hoping Summer's love of the environment does not extend to refusing to use vigorous amounts of laundry detergent on those sheets.
Seth spots Bright and confronts him. "What are you doing here, Sandals?" he asks. Summer comes out from behind Bright and is thrilled to see him. Bright asks Seth not to interfere with his and Summer's "journey towards the truth." Seth says Bright is on a journey "to the pool!" Because it's not an O.C. party until someone lands in the pool! Seth's brave move is slightly ruined by the slow-motion shot of him slapping his hands out girlishly, but still. Bright goes flying into the pool, taking Summer along with him. I hope that awesome shirt she's wearing doesn't get ruined.
A defeated Riley shows up at the party. She's been crying and tells Kaitlin that no one came to her party. I feel bad for her even if though she's an evil bitch. Something about throwing a party and no one coming breaks my heart. "So you dressed like a ho for no reason?" Kaitlin asks, surveying Riley's outfit. "I changed before I came here," Riley says. "Oh," Kaitlin says. And here we see the flaw in having a ho-themed party. Aren't all girls supposed to dress their most ho-ish for parties anyway? Riley should have had a pimps and ho-ho-hos party instead, in the spirit of the season. Riley says that Kaitlin is now the new ruler of Harbor and she will serve her every command. When did high school become a wacky cult? Kaitlin says she doesn't want Harbor. Riley can have it, but she should be nicer to her friends. She might also want to consider dating a guy who isn't "totally gay." Kaitlin walks off, calling 911 to report a "totally lame party." I have no idea what she meant by that; is she reporting Riley's party, which has no people at it, or her own?
A post-dip-in-the-pool Summer and Bright finally work out their problems. Bright sobs that he's a worthless coward while Summer is a "glorious martyr." Being a martyr is only fun if you don't mind losing your head. Otherwise, it's not everything it's cracked up to be. Just ask Thomas Becket. Seth hands them both towels, apologizing to Summer for not realizing she was handcuffed to Bright when he shoved him in the pool. Bright tells Summer that she was his best friend and the only person who joined "the cause" because she really believed in it. And because she was trying to distract herself from her friend's tragic death. But still. Anyway, way to turn in your best friend and the only person who was worth something to your cause, Bright. Smart. He says he's really sorry for letting her down. Summer says she knew the possible consequences when she freed those bunnies, so it's not fair to spend the rest of her life blaming Bright for it. Seth says the forgiveness comes with an asterisk to it that says Bright doesn't deserve this. And he really doesn't. But I think I would have said anything at that point to get him away from me, so I understand where Summer's coming from. Bright congratulates Summer on being even more enlightened than he is and unlocks her. Seth tells him to be on his way back to Brown. Bright agrees and asks "Dalton" if he's ready to leave. A stereotypical British butler walks out and tells "Winchester" his bags are packed. Bright says that "Che" comes from that, not, as we all suspected, from Ché Guevara. That's lame: I would have selected the nickname "Win," which I think is much cooler. Dalton says Bright's private plane is ready to send him back to Brown. Bright says that the reservation he grew up on is really just a former Native American reservation turned family compound. His father owns a pharmaceutical company. I certainly hope it doesn't experiment on animals! Because if it does, then Bright is reaping the benefits of those advancements every day he's at Brown protesting against them. Bright bids his caterpillar and the defender of her honor good-bye, and Seth says that Bright was a liar, coward, and a hypocrite. "At least he had depth," he says. Compared to some of the other one-dimensional characters we've seen on this show, he sure did.
Ryan finally finds Taylor. She's trying to scrub the words someone wrote on Clown Ward's sleeping face off. Since this is a network show, Clown Ward only has a moustache and "I love poop" written on him. Ryan asks Taylor why she paid Roger to pretend he liked her. "What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening?" Taylor asks; "what difference does it make to you?" She says she's strange, and that's why Ryan ran away from her. Ryan says he didn't run away from her because he thinks she's strange -- although he does think that -- he ran away because he's not ready for a girlfriend right now. Taylor tells Ryan not to flatter himself -- she wasn't necessarily expecting this to be a serious thing. Ha! Then again, Taylor married the last guy she dated, so he does have some reason to be cautious. She says that Ryan is a "sweet, smart, great guy." And he's hot. This gets a cute little smile from Ryan. "What happens, happens," she concludes. Sometimes, she can act like a normal person. They're about to kiss when Taylor notes that this is her first high school bash, and she'd love to play "Seven Minutes in Heaven."
Julie returns to BULLET's table. He sincerely apologizes to her in his own BULLET way: "when God was handing out brains, I guess I was sitting on the toilet." That would be the Christian God, not the Jewish one, who is actually Satan. He says that Julie makes him really nervous, and he was just trying to make her laugh, especially since he knows what a hard time she's been through. She thanks him for this. He invites her to breakfast, asking if he should call her in the morning or just lean over and nudge her. Julie has to smile at that. I guess being really persistent works if you're also really rich.
Sandy and Kirsten are back home. A justice of the peace shows up at the door, sent by BULLET for their recommitment ceremony.
Kaitlin stands in the middle of her party while the action is sped up all around her. At one point, Roger and Connor walk by her, arm in arm, and I have to admire Connor for being so open about his sexuality as a high school student. Riley, Olivia, and Lea make peace and take off. Kaitlin picks up Taylor's brillo pad and starts trying to scrub "poop rocks" off of Clown Ward's face.
Julie gets a call from Spencer, thanking her for the great date he just had with Pam. He says he'll give her her "cut" when he sees her again. Julie is confused; her female clients aren't supposed to pay their dates. "That's illegal!" Julie says. Spencer says he won't say anything else about it on the open phone line. He hangs up, and Pam calls. She thanks Julie for the awesome date. "I am tin roof rusted!" Pam Cindy Wilsons. She says she'll be telling all her friends about New Match now and it was "worth every penny." "And what will you be telling them, exactly?" Julie asks. Oh, like she cares. Julie, you were destined to be a Madame. Just accept it and move on. It'll be a lot of fun for everyone. It might even make me like New Match
Sandy and Kirsten have their meaningless recommitment ceremony by the pool. Zzzz.
Ryan and Taylor finally make out. Taylor breaks it off, saying it's been seven minutes. Ryan says he thinks eight minutes would be okay. Or nine. Or even ten! It's nice to see him having a real personality.
Summer and Seth try to figure out how they're going to survive being apart again semester, with Seth in Rhode Island and Summer stuck in Newport. Seth floats the idea of putting RISD off for another semester so they can both go to school at the same time. Which is a pretty good idea, actually. I have to think starting college a semester behind everyone else would really suck. Summer likes that idea, and introduces Seth to Pancakes, who really needs a real home. It's cruel to stick it in that little carrier bag all the time. He was better off in the lab! Summer says Pancakes is like her daughter or her son; she's not really sure which. Seth takes one look and confirms that Pancakes is a boy. Well, duh. Everyone knows that Pancakes is a boy's name. Seth doesn't really like animals, but he gamely strokes Pancake's ear while asking how long rabbits live. "Infinity," Summer says. I'm guessing it'll be more like three episodes. I'm hoping for infinity, though. Anyway, congratulations to The O.C. for getting all of its characters back in town and out of college one way or another!