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Lemond Bishop's creepy goblin lawyer Wallace Shawn shows up in the middle of Grace introducing Alicia to her favorite show -- a hilarious AMC cop show that takes itself unbelievably seriously -- to drag her into a big messy drug case that is everything she's (always) been pretending to avoid her most notorious client's unsavory activities. Soon enough, Florrick Agos and Lockhart/Gardner find themselves on the same side of the case, as the US Attorney and DEA come after Bishop for trafficking.
Team Bishop becomes convinced there's a mole at Florrick Agos once the DEA starts coming up with facts about the case they couldn't possibly know, and set a lovely trap that involves putting several F/A employees on call at different times throughout the day to see which person is telling secrets... And nobody's more surprised than Alicia to find out she, herself, is the mole: And this after spending half the episode trying valiantly to shield her people, while trying to comprehend Grace's TV show and still keep up with her hobby of drinking wine as often as possible.
But no! She is not the mole, it's actually the NSA (a different pair of boys, no less charming) who've joined forces with the DEA on this particular case, which resolves in the resignation of the AUSA in charge and a lot of intra-agency bitchery, plus one more thing: A connection linking Peter's voter-fraud investigation to Will, who ends the episode served with a subpoena and bearing the burden of most of our dangling plot threads in a decidedly suspenseful way: Does he stick to his ethical and romantic guns (and the Fifth) here, or will he somehow parlay this into nuke attacks on both Florricks individually?
Great moments here include: That moment you realize Robyn meeting Wallace Shawn's demonic goblin lawyer is about as exciting as the moment you realized Eli and Kalinda were going to meet for the first time; Alicia and Robyn both playing different versions of the "kitty's got claws" routine with the DEA and Feds, Alicia most chillingly indeed; and the weirdness of Cary and Kalinda finally hooking up, pretending to enjoy their "mutually assured destruction" and less able to read each other than ever before (unless her mistaking his earnest warning for internecine trickery was meant to fool the wiretappers? Is there any way that could still be true?).
Biggest surprise of the night, though, would still go to Marilyn Garbanza's turn as the St. Alicia, convinced by Eli's bullshit and Peter's stonewalling to throw in with the Feds. I would not have believed I'd remain so firmly and sympathetically on her side, but she turns in a great and well-acted day here, forced and led once again into standing up for what's right. Of course, we know from episodes that the radio silence from Eli and Peter is a protective measure for everybody, but that doesn't stop her from being just as integral to, or embroiled in, the story as any of the others. She feels like a member of the ensemble, finally. (She's also learned to do things like sit on furniture and put her clothes on correctly, which probably helps.)
The joys of the episode had to do with the eponymous way the two plot threads of the episode -- voter fraud and the F/A "leak" -- kept informing and twisting each other, which us as the sole witnesses to what was happening. When they finally came together, it was less of a shock and more of a relief, knowing that we'd finally reached that long-promised moment where the NSA wiretaps would bring everything to a head. And just like with the parallel construction formula intends, it got us there without revealing the trick before it needed to. Neat stuff.
All in all, a highly enjoyable but not that consequential welcome back, as pieces get moved around in preparation for the March 23 barnburner we're told will be the most shocking episode ever. But given how great this season's been, especially those "divisible by fives" episodes we keep counting up to, I'm fairly certain they're underselling it. Will's kind of a wildcard and we love that, but he has just been handed the keys to the kingdom in a lot of ways and there's really no way to predict which way he'll jump. Except straight into crazytown, of course, because that's always his first move.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
New firm, old business, NSA overreach and a three-steps-out wiretapping scheme, voter fraud.
(...ON DARKNESS AT NOON)
The show starts with a "Previously" tag for a fictional show, AMC's Darkness At Noon, which seems to be a late-bloomer rag on Sunday night shows that trump ours in prestige even though few-to-none of them are as good as this one. Low Winter Sun being a sad-sack cancelee would make the joke fall a little flat, a little mean, but "nobody" could have predicted the hollow bombast of True Detective -- and if "anybody" did, they would have gotten a world of shit for it -- so it works out anyway.
Marty: "You crossed the line."
Cohle: "I'm not going back."
Marty: "There are lines, and then there are lines."
Cohle: "Do you know what needs doing? I'll tell you what needs doing. You make your own lines."
Grace loves it, because fake-gritty prestige dramas are mostly for the morbid teenage mind anyway, but Alicia's in a cute sweater downing wine and trying desperately to understand what is happening. In her world, you don't have to constantly move the goalposts -- or have endless fucking discussions about the placement of the goalposts -- because there are no goalposts. The music of the show's credits is like The Sopranos, as long as we're talking overhyped sacred cows, but anyway a real-life prestige drama is about to unfold in the Florrick apartment, as the Devil Himself -- just as the theme song is singing about the Devil Himself -- has come to call. Charles Lester, Wallace Shawn, as Lemond Bishop's other lawyer.
Zach: "Mom? A goblin."
Mom: "Drycleaning guy. Tell him the piping on the jacket is leather."
Lester: "And when do you want it back?"
Mom: "Thursday's fine!"
Lester: "Cool. Could you tell your mom Charles Lester is here, by the way?"
When Zach says his name, like a crack of lightning, a gunshot rings across the show, and Alicia nearly snaps the stem of her wineglass.
Alicia: "Fuck. Grace, go hide in your room. Zach, same."
Kids: "But who is that? Like an evil goblin? Let's go ChumHum it."
Alicia: "...And don't ChumHum it!"
Lester flips through his little notecards that are his thing, along with pretending to be demented, and she begs him to leave again. Roll up his darkness and vanish. Instead he pushes past her into the house, to be more menacing still.
Lester: "What a beautiful apartment! I love how not burned down it is."
Alicia: "Okay what do you want. Seriously, I'm close to screaming just having you here. Mission accomplished."
Lester: "Bond hearing is at 10:30 tomorrow morning. Mr. Bishop's in custody at..."
Alicia: "The station on Lake Street, looks like from your handwriting. Drug arrest?"
Lester: "Why on earth would you ask that?"
Alicia: "Due to, he is a drug dealer. What is this, about his legit businesses?"
Lester: "Not really, no."
Zach and Grace ChumHum the shit out of him! All these different things of Charles Lester talking about the various people Bishop didn't kill that he totally killed. One source is quoted saying, "Stay out of Charles Lester's way and whatever you do, don't give him your name." Grace stares in lunatic joy at the prestige cable drama unfolding in her house; my friend Karen was like, "Zach! He knows Zach's name!"
GARBANZA
Is making her way down the street looking crazy as usual, while Eli watches the voter-fraud video at the office.
Marilyn: "Bitch I told you I could only write my report based on what I knew for sure. That's the extent of what I know for sure, because you guys are being jerks about it and pushing me out. You want me to report things I did not investigate, that's lying."
Eli: "You're hurting Peter with these emotional games, Marilyn..."
Marilyn: "Shove it, Eli. You stonewalled me, I wrote the report I could write."
Eli: "You were told in good faith that Jim Moody acted alone, and that Peter never saw this tape until you showed it to him. Amended report by tomorrow, or else."
Maybe she is being passive-aggressive, actually, about this, a little. Oh, you want me to talk? Because I'm pretty sure you told me to shut up. Anyway, doesn't matter. The world moves on. In this case, in the form of Eric Bogosian as Nelson Dubeck, of the Office of Public Integrity, which is part of the DOJ. He drives up in a big scary shuttle-van, black, and offers the very pregnant Garbanza a ride.
KLUGER
Cary comes into the courtroom in pink, with a curious maroon tie and gold stripes; Alicia is wearing a casual but classy purple turtleneck. Everybody dresses weird this week. Also at the defense table, surprising everybody: Lockhart/Gardner, who still represent Bishop's legit business. They all kind of laugh sickly about how they can't escape each other, and the judge enters: It's Tambor, Judge Kluger, who recently called Alicia for lunch. Stickier still.
Kluger: "Cary Agos, is it? And who's the goblin?"
Lester: "I am also here. Charles Lester."
Kluger: "You what, step in if one of them dies?"
Alicia: "Not funny."
Lester: "Kind of funny."
Over on the other side, there is just the lonely and beautiful AUSA Frank Asher, Jack Davenport, whose table is one-third the size of theirs.
Kluger: "No one to hold hands with over there, Mr. Asher?"
Asher: "I hold hands with justice, Your Honor."
Kluger: "How about I crack wise, counsellor, and you just do your fucking job."
Actually he calls him a "wag," which is vastly meaner somehow. The facts are that a DEA search warrant was established based on the testimony of one eyewitness, whom we'll meet in a second. Meanwhile, Cary and Alicia are like, so steamed that LG is even trying to impress Lemond Bishop, whom they've always treated as this toxic asset just because he murders all his wives and is the biggest drug dealer in history.
The witness is a Ms. Moretti, a buxom brunette who saw four guys carrying duffle bags full of coke into a Bishop residence back in February. Something about the testimony sends Will out into the hallway to call... Howard Lyman?
DUBECK, PIN VAN
Dubeck: "The terrifying black van does tend to terrify people, sorry. Listen, we're looking into your boss..."
Marilyn: "Tell me it's Eli. That would make my day."
Dubeck: "Sorry, it's Peter. Voter fraud."
Marilyn: "Cool, I gotta bounce."
"You'll think you can't help us because of your loyalty to Peter. But you'll soon realize you're vulnerable. You have no attorney-client privilege. Everybody else on this show is a lawyer, the world is full of lawyers. Not you, though. You just go to jail."
"...Also because it's the right thing to do. The ethical thing. Which is your whole deal."
COURT
Alicia: "You are seriously not going to question Howard Lyman, are you? He is the worst."
Will: "It's fine. Shut up."
Since LG does Bishop's legit business, it so happens that Lyman was tasked with assessing a property he was going to buy, twenty miles away, at exactly the time that Ms. Moretti said this drug transfer was happening (among others). They produce a picture he took at the time, probably for his spank bank, that clearly shows her there in the place. But in response, AUSA Asher produces an Agent Cheswick, from the DEA, who tells us that actually Moretti changed her story and she was talking about the day before this photo.
Kluger: "Fuck all you guys. I'm letting Bishop go on a hundred-grand bond until you pull your shit together. Pick a story and stick to it, please."
Alicia does not love that idea. These aren't stories! They are truths!
SWEET F/A
On their way toward the elevator back at HQ, Cary and Alicia discuss whether or not to cancel her lunch date tomorrow -- which is apparently to talk about a book he's writing on lawyers and the law that they yer -- which Cary thinks would be impolitic given their five-dimensional Lemond Bishop situation going on right now: Lester's illegitimate business, LG is legitimate, and Florrick/Agos is somewhere in the middle, just like God -- and secretly, Alicia -- always intended. That's when Lemond and Lester -- not just Mutt and Jeff, but opposite everything -- appear.
With a face like "Tell my kids I love them," Alicia steps into the noir world of the elevator so they can chat.
Bishop: "That lady didn't see me on that day either."
Alicia: "Because you're innocent?"
Bishop: "Ha! No, it just wasn't that day."
Alicia: "So the original facts were right? But the witness couldn't have seen it. So we're thinking they just don't want to reveal their real reasons for knowing anything. Like why? Like a CI?"
Lester: "Mmmmmaybe. Listen, when we were here last week, who was with us?"
Alicia: "No. Fuck that, you are not shaking down my people. That's rude. It must be somebody else. Check your own crew."
Bishop: "Haha, you said 'crew.'"
Lester: "But seriously tell me the names of your employees we might end up murdering. I have a pen right here."
She locks eyes with Lemond Bishop and we hit the credits. I hate it when the My Pet Monster thing goes south. Like the one thing Alicia can count on is that Bishop and, say, Colin Sweeney know she has their back. She might act like they are repulsive, but at least they are consistent pieces of the world. And so this idea that maybe something has broken that, I hate it. I mean, don't be in business with drug dealers! But if you do, try to be cool.
Around this time, Cary walks up with Hayden Clarke and Robyn, both of whom are innocents in a world of sharks and just happy to make new friends.
Lester: "Hi, I don't think we've met!"
Hayden: "I'm Clarke Hayden, I'm adorable."
Lester: "And you must be Robyn!"
Robyn: "That's what they tell me. You look like a fantasy creature!"
Lester: "And what's your full name, Robyn?"
Robyn: "My name? It's ROBYN! BURD..."
Alicia: "-- Everybody shut up!"
Alicia puts herself bodily between all these people, and starts the elevator back up again. Cary's like, "Are you going to be murdered?" And she just shrugs like, "Probably not but my God this is a fucking hassle."
Alicia: "There's not a leak, you guys. But if something did go down, can we just say it was me? This is my firm, these are my people. Just blame me."
Bishop: "That's why I like you, okay, but in this case I'm putting Charles by your side."
Alicia: "I have a real business here! This is my life!"
Bishop: "Actually no, this is my life, and Charles is my lawyer. Okay?"
Lester: "Aww. Don't you like me, Alicia?"
Alicia: "Not today, Lester. Just please cut a girl a break today."
HAYDEN
Hayden: "Did I do something wrong?"
Alicia: "No, honey. I'm just trying to figure something out without telling you what it is, which is why you feel like I'm interrogating you. Just tell me if you talked about it."
Hayden: "I took notes, but I locked them straightaway in..."
Lester: "-- Hey, I'm here suddenly! Creepin' on your meetings, killin' all your dudes!"
Alicia: "Yeah, we were just about finished here..."
Lester: "Don't let me stop you."
Alicia: "Okay, Hayden. You were just telling me, were you not, that you didn't tell anybody about the Bishop meeting, and furthermore that you didn't show anybody your..."
Hayden: "No, I didn't say that."
Lester: "Oh, did you not?"
Alicia: "Pretty sure ya did, Hayden."
Hayden: "No, I hadn't finished my sentence. I put them in my desk and locked it, right after the meeting. That's what I was going to say."
Alicia: "...LOL. God you're great."
Of all three interviews we're doing with Lester, this is my favorite one because it's the central thing of the episode: This lazy assumption is that we live in a world where everybody has an agenda, that we are all rats fucking until we die of depression. And over and over and over, the balanced concerns of the stories keep saying no, the world is a lot better than that. We built the world, we built F/A, to be better than that. We form loves and friendships and loyalties based on remembering that.
What breaks that better world is nothing stronger or weaker than the belief that it isn't. The second you go looking for bullshit, you will find it. You get so used to watching the right hand whenever the left hand moves, because you think that's base-level humanity. But any Pascal's Wager should teach you that this is the fastest way to get punched from the left, because nine times out of ten people are just people. Just like you.
CARY
Lester: "Hi! So you did a cost-benefit analysis for Mr. Bishop..."
Cary: "Yeah, for everybody. How come?"
Lester: "Just being weird. Hey, can I ask you, sir, do you know anybody from the DEA?"
Cary: "Um, I went to high school with a guy named Howie, but..."
Lester: "I don't know his last name yet, but maybe soon I will. Good friend?"
Cary: "The last time I saw Howie was 2002, so."
You know it's going to be some weird thing and not any of them, but between the music and Charles Lester's radioactive presence and Alicia's very real terror on behalf of her people, they keep you guessing.
ROBYN
Robyn: "We are similarly adorable! It's like when Kalinda met Eli, only with Wombles."
Lester: "When was the last time you saw your father?"
Robyn: "Like a month ago? He's a little like you, actually."
Lester: "Handsome devil, huh?"
Robyn: "Half of that, yes."
They laugh hysterically; Alicia is about split into pieces right there at the table.
Robyn: "He wanted to be a lawyer. But um, we are nuts as a family."
Lester: "Drug arrest?"
Robyn: "Many. He grew pot in our backyard for a while..."
Lester: "So you'd agree it's odd, that you'd become an investigator for the Treasury."
Alicia: "Why do you know this? Why do you know about my Robyn? She's not my fave, she's not Kalinda, but that face doesn't need killing."
Lester: "And do you still keep in contact with..."
Robyn: "I had lunch with a Treasury pal last week. How did you know that?"
Lester: "Because I am the fucking devil, Robyn Burdine."
Robyn: "Okay, well. He loves my job, working at a startup, but I wouldn't tell anybody about what goes on here. Work is work, life is life."
SO YOU SEE
Alicia: "Those are the three most honest people I know, dude. It's not us."
Lester: "I know a lot of honest people, sure. But sometimes they talk too much."
Alicia: "No you don't, and yes that's true, but..."
Case in point, Robyn going off on some guy in the foyer like a little squirrel monkey.
Alicia: "Robyn's a chatterbox, that doesn't mean she doesn't know not to talk about our fucking drug lord clients."
Lester nods and moves on to the play, which is asking Alicia to be on-call at three tomorrow, in case a delivery goes south. She reflexively checks her watch, notices the time, and gets her move on with some shouted apologies.
KLUGER LUNCH
Kluger: "No problem that you're late. I figured some client or another had you tied up and gagged to keep you from talking to me."
Alicia: "I can't tell if that's like a saying, or you're making a very dark joke about how working with Lemond Bishop is going to end in my murder."
Kluger: "Anyway, I have to go. Lunch is canceled, it's an emergency, I have to leave right now and not talk to you maybe ever again, for reasons that aren't yet clear on the show but seem very high-profile and scary."
Alicia: "I just busted ass all the way across... Fine. Can we reschedule?"
Kluger: "No, but I'm gonna say sure. Bye!"
Alicia's like, "Well, fuck." Because she spent the last two days stressing about if she should even do this, and once she got there she had her game face on because she's playing with the big boys -- her favorite new thing -- and now all of a sudden he's just not that into you. Is this Alicia's fault? Is this politics happening behind her back? What is happening? Nobody knows. Just that it sucks.
A HONKYTONK
Cary and Kalinda do a funny, charming thing where they slug their drinks silently, like an ongoing challenge, but once the game goes on a second too long, kitty-cat gets bored and Kalinda's just like, "This is stupid, I'm leaving."
Kalinda: "What's going on, Cary? Is this some kind of punishment?"
Cary: "No! You asked me for drinks, I'm drinking."
Kalinda: "Ugh, whatever."
Cary: "Seriously? I thought I was being cute."
Kalinda: "Really? Because I thought you were pumping me for info about the case that has our firms in separate but interlaced leg-locks. My bad."
I kind of really love the way this episode seems to put their stuff -- their shared intimate chemistry, her psychic powers, his earnestness -- all into reversal: Suddenly she's not reading him that well, he's not working her that well, he's telling the truth and she thinks he's lying, and vice versa. I realize that part of it is that she really did fuck him over the day the shit hit the fan, and we're not done talking about that astoundingly uncool move, but I wonder too if this isn't a sign from the Gods that she's taking him seriously for the first time. Like once you descend Olympus and start banging the locals, maybe your powers don't work so well on them anymore.
GARBANZA, SPEAKING OF
Marilyn thinks hard about the video and the Peter problem, and decides to make one more good-faith attempt at making everything okay. The music goes from sad to suspenseful as she clik-claks down the hallway, wearing her glasses, and finds Eli alone in Peter's office. Another fake-out.
Marilyn: "Okay, what is this?"
Eli: "Nothing! Peter just asked me to take this meeting."
Marilyn: "You're doing it again, you little shit. You have no idea what these little goat rodeo scenes are doing to me, or who else is now in play, and you..."
Eli: "A scheduling conflict is not a conspiracy!"
Marilyn: "Three conflicts in a row sure as fuck is, though."
Eli: "Uh, he's the Governor of Illinois, lady. Know your role."
Marilyn, verbatim: "You have a great talent for turning friends into enemies."
He tortures her for a while more, with that pinched little bitchy smile he puts on when he's being particularly awful, and finally she bounces. It stops being about them fighting over Peter's favor and then it stops being about them fighting at all. You can only dance around the thing so long before the thing is all anybody can see. She heads straight to Dubeck, in his little van, and hands over a USB with the ballot-box video.
Dubeck: "Thank you, Marilyn. This is the first step toward clean government!"
Marilyn: "Not even I really believe you at this point, you gross bastard, but this is the only even nominally ethical option I have left."
At some point in the last five minutes, I don't know if I made this clear, but Marilyn Garbanza got: Very awesome. The Wendy Scott-Carr trick is looking like you are being perfect and even thinking you're being perfect, which is what reminded me of her so much with Marilyn: It's a lot easier to believe than the fact that she really is just trying to do the right thing. This whole episode is just people convinced the left hand is moving so the right hand can do something, and they totally miss what the left hand was doing in the first place.
All of the cloud of semiotics and inferences and dangers and suspicions and ironies crowding her, this whole time, was really just another Caitlin D'Arcy trick: You see what you want to see, and that goes double when you can't believe somebody is just getting on with it. You were so afraid she was going to fuck Peter -- so blind to the possibility that anybody (other than Natalie Flores) could possibly stay pure -- that you forced her to fuck Peter. Good job.
It's always seemed like we were heading toward a situation where Ethics Marilyn would confront Now-Alicia with St. Alicia. And so now we have it, on the torture table of Peter's compromises even: Alicia at some point looking Marilyn in the eye and having a crisis of faith about herself. Right?
UNKNOWN TIME OF DAY
Lester and Bishop are driving around, talking about driving danger statistics and whatever, and eventually they get pulled over. They don't seem too concerned. Running point is the DEA guy Cheswick, that Asher brought to court the other day, and they treat him with a mean fake deference.
Lester: "Do you always conduct routine traffic stops with DEA agents in tow?"
Cheswick: "Sir we see what appears to be cocaine in plain view in the rear of your vehicle. That gives us probable cause to search. I'm now opening up the trunk of your vehicle... Mr. Bishop, what is this?"
Bishop: "Uh... Pancake batter?"
Cheswick: "If this is more than 900g, which it clearly is, that's ten to fifty."
But then under the main trunk liner, the truth is revealed: About fifty empty Bisquick boxes. And then oh, how they laugh! We thought it was the left hand doing tricks, but really there weren't any hands at all!
SWEET F/A
Alicia's on Robyn's voicemail, trying to track down that little Womble, when she finally appears.
Robyn: "Why are you being so weird?"
Alicia: "Because any of us could die at any time, duh. Where were you?"
Robyn: "Mr. Lester said not to take any calls today, because they had to take something to the airport around five..."
Alicia: "You mean three?"
Hayden: "You mean seven."
An infinity of hands, waving around, so you can get to the heart of the matter while they're busy. (Also how the case gets solved, this week, btw. Enough cooks in the kitchen of the unholy NSA mess we watch develop over the hour, and somebody drops the ball.)
A CAR
Alicia is in the backseat, going ham at Bishop in the front seat.
Alicia: "We are your lawyers, dude! Why are you dicking me around?"
Lester: "It was to clear you. Four different appointment times, four different people from that original meeting."
Alicia: "This is some childish bullshit."
Lester: "You aren't curious about when we got pulled over?"
It was three! Alicia O'Clock! What if she dies in this backseat? Think fast, girl.
Alicia: "I hope I get a minute here before you kill me, because I actually am not a mole and that would be some ugly irony."
Bishop: "We told you alone that this was happening at three, and then you went to meet with that Judge. Did you speak, phone, text, or email...?"
Alicia: "No! No I did not phone! I did not... Wait, yes I did. Oh shit you guys. I did, I left myself a voice reminder to be on-call the day."
Lester: "Okay, so phones. Did you talk to..."
Alicia: "I called Cary about the drophouse and that's why Ms. Moretti knew things she could not know. Thank God for the wiretap, this one time."
Lemond orders a dozen burner phones for F/A, because of that darn DEA.
NSA BOYS
I liked the old boys, these are new boys! I like these ones too. Gay Jonathan that just got gay married. Mazel.
NSA Boy: "They totally think it's the DEA surveilling them."
NSA Boy: "Haha, really the truth is more labyrinthine."
F/A
Cary: "Burner phones again, Ma? I always feel like a total drug dealer when... I mean, no offense."
Bishop Person: "None taken. So you have here, in this murder factory office of yours, a history with burner phones?"
Alicia: "Just like because of this one time we were secretly poaching clients from our law firm to start a new law firm and they acted so grumpy about it."
F/A: "How long do we have to use these?"
Alicia: "Until we have secrets again. And also be very careful because this packaging can be sharp. I would use a can opener if I were you. Actually I'm going to go get a..."
Cary: "Okay, just to show Kluger that we know they're lying, we need to get a preservation order. We can demonstrate they lied, to protect their wiretap."
Alicia: "That was very Will of you. A motion that exists only to be bitchy."
Cary: "Why thank you, Diane!"
Alicia: "We are adorable. Oh, the phone is phoning. I'd better..."
Cary: "Remember to be circumspect!"
Alicia: "This is Alicia Florrick on this phone. Who is phoning, please?"
Eli: "It's me Eli Gold, calling about this voter fraud we're need to cover up."
Alicia: "Oh Jesus. Eli, can I phone you right back? On another phone?"
NSA
NSA Boys: "Oh, we also have all of Eli's phones tapped so, no problem. Thanks to how we previously justified going three steps out, however that went down."
NSA Boy: "I like your shirt with the anarchy symbol on it, like you are a tween."
NSA Boy: "Thanks! I like how you got gay married."
Eli: "Alicia, this phone connection sounds like balls."
Alicia: "It's not a burner if that's what you're suggesting! But you should only phone me on it. Peter too."
NSA Boss: "What's up? Is it something with National Security?"
NSA Boys: "Not really. Remember the Marwat warrant that became a Florrick warrant?"
NSA Boss: "Not really?"
NSA Boys: "Look at all this paper!"
NSA Boss: "Right, right. The Governor's Good Wife."
NSA Boys: "So, bad news. She knows we're tapping her, but she thinks it's the DEA tapping Lemond Bishop, a charming drug lord."
NSA Boss: "But you can get around that, right?"
NSA Boys: "Sure, we already have her burner number and everything. But how did we get found out?"
KLUGER
Kluger: "You. The cute one."
Cary: "Okay guess what? The DEA is tapping our phones! Very uncool."
Asher: "Why of all the pernicious... Look at Agent Cheswick's face."
Cary: "We trapped them. By being played off each other by a goblin."
Kluger: "What do you want me to do about it?"
Cary: "An order to preserve the wiretaps for later discovery in this case. The real estate lady, I forget her name..."
Kluger: "Me too. Screw her. Haha!"
Cary: "So we think she lied to protect this wiretap."
Asher: "Sadly there is no wiretap to preserve, or we totally would."
Alicia: "You are a fucking liar!"
Kluger: "Probably. But if there's no such thing, then I can't order a..."
Cary: "Fine. That's not exactly what we were going for, but since they're big liars, can we at least throw out the tainted testimony in question? And if you're feeling very awesome, maybe just throw this whole case out?"
Kluger: "Maybe, hang on."
Alicia: "This is not going to fly."
Cary: "Whatever. The real question is whether we tell Diane."
Alicia: "Tell Diane what? That we aren't up to the challenge?"
Cary: "No, silly. That LG is clearly also being tapped?"
Alicia: "Ooh, that is a good question. Damn."
NSA
That DEA guy Cheswick comes into the NSA to cover his ass, which is amazing; both NSA Boys are also at the table.
Cheswick: "I didn't do anything wrong! I did what I said I..."
NSA Boss: "You ruined an NSA warrant. Florrick knows she's being tapped."
Cheswick: "Were you not encouraged to share intel with other departments? Is there not a drug war in this country?"
NSA Boss: "Drug wars didn't bring down the World Trade..."
Cheswick: "Still? We're still going there. Classy. And anyway, what does any of this have to do with terrorism?"
NSA Boss: "It doesn't, but things are still even more complicated than you get to know. Plus Florrick's all cagey..."
Cheswick: "Yeah, but just about the DEA! You're still secret."
NSA Boss: "You're cut off. No more even little clues about drugs. This storyline is over."
One of the NSA Boys thinks about saying something, lets it fall silent; the NSA Boss delivers a righteous exit line -- "Do your own homework!" -- but then has to come back and snap in the faces of the boys so they will follow him out of the cubicle.
This investigation is creating itself, out of the left hand/right hand confusion of too much information and not enough trust. And it will prevail. It will bring everybody down. The ratfuck kingdom subsides on inertia and entropy. You only get free when you stop playing along.
LOCKHART
Everybody is so nice to everybody else when Cary comes to warn them about the wiretaps. Will and Kalinda are up against the window, arms folded like ever, but even they seem pretty nice. Diane thanks him sweetly, and but the second he leaves they circle wagons.
Will: "It would explain how the DEA got their unexplained info..."
Diane: "Yeah or they are trying to undermine us. If this is real, we'll have to tell all of our clients we can't be trusted."
Will: "Yeah but if they... What if the left hand is just doing this, and the right hand isn't actually being..."
Diane: "Fine. Kalinda, go Mata Hari his ass. Your experiment of being a human being is over."
Kalinda: "...Fine. I'm not happy about it, but also I don't trust him either right now."
KLUGER
The motion to dismiss is denied, so we're definitely going to trial. He asks for one more round of requests, motions, causes of action, and Asher steps up.
Asher: "I need to request substitution of counsel. AUSA Alvarez will be stepping in."
Defense: "We have problems with this! Just because we feel like we should!"
Kluger: "You're recusing yourself? That does look bad, given the..."
Asher: "No, I'm resigning entirely from the DOJ. I'm not a US Attorney anymore."
Kluger: "Something I said?"
Asher: "I still don't understand jokes. No, this is an interoffice matter."
SWEET F/A
Cary: "Such drama in there! Every time you think..."
Dubeck: "-- Alicia Florrick? I was just loitering in your office with three other PIN agents, waiting to jump you the second you got back from court."
Alicia: "You're gonna come into my house with this JV intimidation?"
Dubeck: "It's not about whatever case. It's this video tape you need to see."
Alicia makes an unhappy face, watching the video. Have I mentioned that Dubeck never, ever blinks? Not like as a metaphor, I mean his eyes never blink themselves. She puts on her best "look at all this paper" face, speaking of that scene, and prepares for battle.
Dubeck: "You look like you've seen this before."
Alicia: "What does that look like? How would I look if I hadn't ever seen it?"
Dubeck: "A wife should be more surprised seeing her husband steal something."
Alicia: "That would be surprising. Which one is my husband in this video?"
Dubeck: "This is a very big deal, Mrs. Florrick."
Alicia: "No, not really. What season is this? Four years and change is how long my husband's been under one investigation or another. Wait, except for the six months he was in prison..."
Dubeck: "You're really inspiring my confidence."
She's had enough. She draws herself up to her highest height, swings her hair around, gives him a chuckle, and explains a few things to his ass with a smile on her face.
"I used to be like you. Certain, deferential to authority. Thinking everyone being investigated is obviously guilty. You should be investigated, it changes you."
It's not quite the full Galadriel, but it's close. He resorts back to his only actual threat. He should have listened harder: When you're investigated, it changes you. Into somebody who knows that sometimes Caitlins are just nice smart girls, and Cary is usually sweet and honest, and Alicia chooses her words very carefully because she doesn't ever want to lose the right to say, "I have always been honest with you." Once you've seen people assume you're one of those rats, like they're doing now, it changes how easily you can keep from doing the same thing. From letting the hand clap itself, which is all it's doing now.
Dubeck: "What's different this time, among all those times your husband was investigated, is that you were his lawyer. Election Night, Zach's righteous citizenship, the whole thing. What's gonna change you is prison, for real."
Alicia: "Bitch are you here with a subpoena or what? No? Then get the fuck out."
Dubeck: "Get your affairs in order, and come get ahead of this with us. You got kids at home, and you got your baby right here, Sweet F/A. Think about it."
Alicia: "...WELL MAYBE I WILL."
ELI
Alicia: "Where's Peter."
Eli: "Again with this reception on this phone. You are so cute when you're ghetto."
Alicia: "Shut up, where's Peter."
Eli: "In a meeting. Tell me what's going on, right now. On this phone in my office."
Alicia: "Nelson Dubeck, of the Office of Public Integrity, just left my office after showing me that same video."
Eli: "Impossible! Why, I'd have had to really fuck up a relationship with a ranking official in this office for that. Possibly by torturing him or her emotionally for several episodes in a row. And I simply can't think of... You know what, hang on. NORA!"
Nora: "Yeah, Chief?"
Eli: "Get Garbanza for me, please? Urgent, but don't act like it."
Alicia: "This was Garbanza? That bitch does not quit."
Eli: "Yeah, I'll figure it out. But can I ask you something weird? She told me at one point that an ... old friend ... of yours could maybe do something like this."
Alicia: "Who? Make sure you say it very clearly into your tapped office phone."
Eli: "Will. He's the one that found the video and told Peter the votes were fraudulent. The Feds have nothing without him..."
NSA Boys: "Did you just hear that shit just now?"
CARY & KALINDA
Under the sheets, like on TV and the movies. They are charming, and great, and she's still got her horseshoe necklace on.
Kalinda: "Don't answer that phone! We are having intense sensuality."
Cary: "I mean, what if it's important?"
Kalinda: "Then you miss an important call. Why are you dodgy with me lately?"
Cary: "I guess because I don't trust you."
Kalinda: "Fine. I guess I can't trust you either."
Cary: "You're not wrong."
Kalinda: "Mutually assured destruction is the sexiest thing in the world, after scrambled eggs and frozen yogurt places. Are you being for real about the wiretaps at LG?"
Cary: "C'mon. I went all the way over there."
Kalinda: "What are you doing about it?"
Cary: "Burner phones again."
Kalinda: "Telling clients?"
Cary: "Not yet, no. We're getting our house in order. You need to also."
Kalinda: "Hmm."
Cary: "Come on! That's so mean! But not so mean that we can't go back to doing it now."
LG
Kalinda: "I am absolutely sure that Cary is lying. In related news, I am off my game. Or maybe I am so twisty and weird that I literally can't imagine a circumstance in which he would be plain-faced about it like that. Like how Eli couldn't tell how far he pushed Marilyn until he realized where she was starting from."
Diane: "Will, Kalinda says we're okay."
Will: "They really did that just so we'd chase our tails? How rude."
Parallel construction, bitches! You think the left hand is doing something so you watch the right hand, and the right hand's not doing anything, and you still feel tricked.
NSA Boy: "They are so wrong! That's funny. They are chasing their tails by not chasing their tails."
NSA Boy: "I think Will and Diane end up getting it on."
NSA Boy: "That's nuts. You need to get a life and stop worrying about the sexual habits of fictional characters."
THE ASHER SITUATION
Cary, Robyn, and Alicia sit down to watch Lester eat an apple in a horrible way and ask questions that are actually just threats.
Robyn: "So the new AUSA, Theresa Alvarez, went to Tech for undergrad and then Northwestern Law. First tax fraud, then organized crime."
Lester: "Cool, where was she born?"
Robyn: "What?"
Lester: "Where does she live? What is her residence?"
Alicia: "Lester, stop."
Cary: "We should try to find out why Asher quit. Anything to stop this. I think, um, he seems really by the book."
Alicia: "People like that are so lame."
Cary: "Maybe the wiretaps just exhausted his last vestiges and he lost it."
Lester: "I'll go 'talk' to him."
Robyn: "I'll go too! It will be fun."
OR SCARY
Asher: "I don't have to tell you anything. It's personal business."
Robyn: "I mean, if you're aware of any illegal activity..."
Asher: "I am even more law and order than that. I can't drop my responsibility to this office just because I quit."
Robyn: "But you can if somebody committed a..."
Lester: "How Tyus? Your son Tyus, that goes to Tisch."
Asher: "Whoa, dude."
Robyn: "Whoa, dude."
Lester: "And your daughter, Scarlett. Still among the living, I hope?"
Robyn: "I wish this wasn't happening. Do you ever get that? Like you're in a situation and you just think, Hey, wouldn't it be nice if..."
Asher steps up to Lester and tries to throw him out, which gives Robyn the perfect in to be Good Cop, salvaging the whole thing and saving any number of lives.
Robyn: "Sir, I'm sorry. I used to work at Treasury so I get what you're going through. You see something that doesn't make sense, something wrong, and you can't participate, but you can't just pretend it didn't..."
Asher: "Nope, not going that route either. I'm not an idiot. Look, Lemond Bishop is a scumbag who needs to be in jail. Even you know that, infernal homunculus."
Lester: "I mean, from that perspective..."
Asher: "But look, this isn't about him. Or the DEA. That's all I will say."
KLUGER
Frank Asher is very still on the stand, while Lester acts all weird.
Lester: "After some performative throat clearing about how I'm a little goblin, can you tell us whether you prepared the warrant at the heart of this probable cause hearing?"
Alvarez: "Objection, work product. He was privy to our trial strategy before his resignation."
Lester: "Yeah, but I'm not asking about trial strategy. I'm asking a witness whether the prosecution perjured themselves. Specifically about an active wiretap..."
Alvarez: "Fishing expedition!"
Kluger: "For one very specific fish, don't you think?"
Lester: "Okay, the warrant was based on the sworn affidavit of DEA Agent Lee Cheswick? Yes, so are you aware of any wiretaps that might provide undisclosed basis for this warrant?"
Alvarez: "Objection. No foundation."
Lester: "That's my point. The foundation's invisible, if I'm right."
Asher pleads the Fifth immediately, and Kluger sits up in his seat, fully engaged for the first time and very excited to have an invisible elephant in the room that everybody knows about but nobody knows what it is. The one hand, clapping away.
OUTSIDE
Cary: "Robyn, Asher said this wasn't DEA, or about Bishop. Do you know what parallel construction is?"
Robyn: "Do you have an article about it on your phone that you can explain to me?"
Cary: "It's an NSA thing. They have all our information but they can't share it, so what they do is, share it anyway. Then the agency in question builds a whole new paper trail. A parallel case leading to the thing that they already know."
Robyn: "The thing that got Frank Asher fired for fucking up."
Alicia: "It's like Kalinda refusing to believe you were telling the truth. Or Eli refusing to believe Marilyn wasn't being hormonal. Or like Ms. Moretti, whose name I actually do remember... Wait, so the NSA is tapping Lemond Bishop?"
Cary: "Yeah? Or us. Or anybody three steps out from us, that we got caught in it, since we're still the only ones who have seen it in action."
Alicia: "But probably us, because I'm married to a corrupt, vote-stealing Governor. And because this TV show is about me, no offense."
NSA
Now Dubeck is in there! Do you think maybe this show has a point to make about NSA overreach in the wake of Snowden and our President having to admit NSA overreach and what have you, just possibly?
NSA Boss: "You fuckers in and out of here all day. You realize I'm about terrorists?"
Dubeck: "Yes and it's very important. But I promise not to screw up the parallel construction if you just..."
NSA Boss: "Fine. Listen up."
Alicia: "Who? Make sure you say it very clearly into your tapped office phone."
Eli: "Will. He's the one that found the video and told Peter the votes were fraudulent. The Feds have nothing without him..."
Dubeck: "...Whoa."
KLUGER
Kluger: "Okay, this whole thing is just great. You guys. Listen, okay here's what we got. A quantity of cocaine found on the defendant..."
Alvarez: "Your Honor, we would dispute..."
Kluger: "And on the other hand, a witness who doesn't know what days of the month are. A prosecutor who pleads the Fifth..."
Alvarez: "Your Honor, I have already asked you to..."
Kluger: "Shh. Shh, Ms. Alvarez. I know you told me what to think, but sadly I don't think that. The court may, and does, draw an adverse inference from your performance. Warrant compromised, motion to quash granted."
So no probable cause, and Bishop goes free even though nobody really thinks he should. Good day for his fifty lawyers, bad day for justice. Good day and bad day for AUSA Asher, whose children will live another day. Real bad day for the NSA, but I'm guessing they're gonna be okay.
DARKNESS AT NOON
Marty: "You can't cross the line and then pretend you didn't cross the line!"
Cohle: "Then shoot me! Shoot me!"
Just kidding, it's a lady who is pregnant with his kid, but there weren't any female characters to put in there for the joke.
Alicia: "Why does he even want to kill her again? She crossed the line, I got that part..."
Grace: "She got pregnant from his partner and he is freaking out."
Alicia: "Maybe this will make more sense if I drink more wine. Things tend to."
But then Kluger returns Alicia's call, about rescheduling lunch, to tell her he isn't doing the book anymore. "Publishing's a mug's game, I'm learning Mandarin." And then, in Mandarin, he tells her goodnight and hangs up.
NSA Boy: "Huh."
NSA Boy: "What now?"
NSA Boy: "I just kind of feel bad for her."
NSA Boy: "Alicia Florrick? She'll be fine."
NSA Boy: "...Are you sure?"
Man, I loved that. They follow it up with "It's none of our business anyway" -- which is a nice button on the whole thing of their weird presence in her life that is invisible and impersonal, but always personal and pretty much visible -- but it's so fucking quality to use this one very specific opportunity the narrative presents, that you can have actual characters, Rosenkrantzed into/above the show by this one singular circumstance, to look directly into the camera and say to us:
"Alicia Florrick is not going to be okay."
GARDNER
Dubeck: "Thanks for talking to me in your pitch-black office, Mr. Gardner..."
Will: "I had a feeling you wouldn't leave me alone. What's going on?"
Dubeck: "Just some tiny questions."
Will: "If any of your questions touch upon Governor Florrick, in the time I represented him, then I am bound by attorney-client privilege."
Dubeck: "Not if we're talking about an ongoing conspiracy."
Will: "Well, we're not. What?"
Dubeck: "The election fraud in this video, and your ensuing cover-up, constitutes an ongoing crime. I can offer a grant of transactional immunity, but you have to cooperate."
Will: "Same thing you told everybody else this week? Bite me. If any of your questions touch upon Governor Florrick in the time I represented him..."
Dubeck: "You would do this? For the man whose wife stole your..."
Will: "If any of your questions touch upon Governor Florrick in the..."
Dubeck: "Fine. Here's your subpoena, bro. I hear they're serving ham sandwiches."
Those angry, bruised eyes he gets. He never even put down his drink. They kept watching his right hand, waiting for him to do something, but he never wavered: His left hand stayed still the entire time, middle finger raised to the sky.
WEEK
Does Will hate Alicia and/or Peter that much, or is he going to save the day? Or just lose his damn mind? Maybe both! Meanwhile, Alicia thinks back to before this show even started, trying to get her shit together for a keynote speech at the American Bar Association, which probably means flashback boning, which is going to be excellent, but also means pre-LG Alicia, which I can't remember ever really seeing in this context.
Then the 23 March episode, a multiple of five, purports to be the most shocking ever! But I don't know what that means. Dubeck tries to depose Alicia and she hires Cary as her lawyer, while Will goes up against Ozymandias himself.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, The Blacklist, Bates MotelThe 100, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.