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The case of the week is clever, and eats up enough cast that we see more of it than usual: A mismatched couple -- hot chick, nerdy guy -- were nabbed for coke trafficking after a weekend in Rio, but now that their law firm has split into two, both LG and F/A want a severed trial. (And on the prosecutor side, we get ASAs Geneva and Matan, whom we haven't seen in like years.) Judge Victor Garber likes the idea of two trials, but for some reason thinks it would be efficient -- read "whimsical" -- if both of them took place simultaneously, in the same courtroom.
With me so far? So this means that sometimes one of the defense firms will request that the other jury, or their jury depending, be shuttled out or shuttled in. The two juries themselves get into weird infighting -- and love blooms between some of the cuter ones -- and although it never gets into actual mayhem there, the stresses between the two firms are always looming. Cary offers to first-chair so it won't be another head-to-head between Alicia and Will, and then we see that Diane has offered the same thing; the investigators end up crossing each other's trails a few times. That kind of thing.
Eventually they do all get into it, and we see... Rather than a drudging-up of old grudges between LG and F/A (even the SA, I worried, given Cary's history), we get a dance of professional manners that only occasionally grinds to a halt when somebody (usually Will, but of course also Alicia; even Cary gets a little hot-headed a couple times) loses control of their intense and passionate feelings, etc. But mostly they are some classy fucking grownups. (Particularly Geneva, which didn't surprise me at all.)
In the end, after a feint by both teams to put the blame on a random flight attendant with circumstantial ties to the drug lord in question, the real Pascal's Wager scenario comes up, with all manner of near-explicit parallels to Will and Alicia: Through the vagaries of plot we have a situation in which it's better for the two lovers to pretend they don't love each other, so that each has a better chance of being acquitted by their own jury. In the end, the lady of the couple (the LG client) goes free, while the other jury (the F/A client) acts fishy enough that the man of the couple decides to take the SA's deal. Which is no balm to Will's mood, as we'll see.
Outside the courtroom, all kinds of shenanigans are going down, but most of those have to do with Kalinda's ongoing project to act like a person -- this time, by reconciling with Cary and only slightly trying to screw him on the business side, and vice versa -- and less with the case itself. At one point he tricks her into alienating a client Robyn wants to poach, but because it's Kalinda she thinks this is adorable, and they decide that they're even and can be friends (or more) again. So that should ruin lives, somehow. Mostly it's just nice to see either of them smiling, at each other or otherwise.
The big drama, however, surrounds that tape the Tribune revealed to Eli last week. He brings Marilyn in on it immediately, and she spends the episode -- in her dark, mystical fashion -- trying to figure out exactly what Eli, Peter, and then the rest of the campaign and Peter's representation at the time knew about the ballot-stuffing in last year's finale. If you want a refresher on it, go find one, but the basics are simple: A lower-level heavy in the DNC was told to "get out the vote" in a certain district, and to do "whatever possible." He read this instruction from Eli (which was very Eli in that who really knows, he's less of an asker and more of a see-what-I-can-getter) as worth stuffing them, and there we are. (The guy himself agrees to take the blame without mentioning Eli, but I don't know if that's a for-sure thing yet or if it will come back.)
Now, the votes didn't make or break the campaign, as Eli keeps repeating, and so the only weirdness is what Peter, Eli, Alicia and Will each knew as it was going on. On that, I think, we actually do have a fairly complete perspective: Will and Alicia fought to disqualify the votes, and then later on found out they were for and not against Peter, and so while it didn't change anything, Will brought the matter to Peter's attention and they agreed to let it rest. (They quibble over the details, and I'll review them before the recap, but it really doesn't matter: Will has no problem using this to make Peter look as bad as possible, both for stealing his girlfriend and for burning Diane on the judgeship.)
We still don't know who the anonymous tipster is -- and maybe never will? -- but we do know that, after a furiously intense confab with a very hostile Will, Peter has declined to waive his attorney-client privilege, which means that Marilyn has no choice but to assume the worst, and file a damningly "inconclusive" report on the matter. Which is a weird place -- but a fun one -- to leave things until... What, March 9? Is that right? God, I hate living in some future's past.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Cary was a lawyer at LG, then at the State's Attorney, then at LG again, and now he's at F/A. Alicia was a law student and then a wife of a corrupt guy, then at LG, and now she's at F/A. Geneva Pine has been an ASA the whole time, and Matan is presumably in the same boat although we haven't seen him in forever.
On the Peter side, Zach uncovered ballot tampering that ended up being the fault of DNC Frank, which Eli didn't know about but Peter -- after Will told him about it -- decided wasn't worth mentioning to anybody. Now the video of the tampering's been leaked (maybe by Will?) and Marilyn and Eli find themselves on the same side of ethics for like, the first time ever.
HIS HONOR VICTOR GARBER
Last July, a couple (nerdy Howard Lampe and buxom Darla Riggs, who seem to be in real love) were arrested for trafficking coke from Brazil, and took LG as their counsel. Now it's a big mess, due to the firm politics, so LG and F/A both want to sever the cases and for some reason Matan is not feeling that.
Will: "My client is the lady one. It will make her look bad to be tried at the same time as the man one, because we are going to say he did it."
Alicia: "My client is the man one. It will make him look bad to be tried at the same time too, because if you look at both of them together it seems fishy."
SA: "They both look worse if we keep them visually together, because of the fishiness and the fickle nature of love."
Judge Victor Garber: "But because this is really about Alicia and Will, I am going to suggest the stupidest thing imaginable, which is that you have separate cases but try them at the same time -- with two separate juries -- and that way, nobody wins. It's kind of more efficient in one way, but also a very big mess in another way."
SWEET F/A
Cary: "Crazy days, right?"
Alicia: "Working alongside Will? Or the double jury thing? Or I mean, who is Will?"
Cary: "Okay like you just started yelling at each other. In front of Victor Garber! I am going to be first chair."
Alicia: "Because you think I will get emotional and weird?"
Cary: "Obviously. Wait, no. I mean because I think Will is going to be emotional and weird."
Alicia: "When you put it like that, it seems like he's the problem. I like it. Plus, he's always a better lawyer when he has murder in his heart. This way he will just be petulant and shitty in front of Victor Garber."
THE GOV
Peter: "I never saw this video before! Just heard about it in detail, and said to cover it up."
Marilyn: "But who are these people in this video?"
Eli: "One of them is Jim Moody, the starry-eyed bruiser DNC Frank gave me to be a heavy."
Peter: "Son of a..."
Marilyn: "You guys need to stop talking, right now. This entire conversation belongs to the gods of Federal prosecution now."
Peter: "I can't believe I was only in office a month before I fucked everything up."
Eli: "I know! That's so long!"
Marilyn: "This is like barely a Vine. All I see is a box. Who knows what's inside? Not us, because of the shortness and blurriness. Also, stop talking."
Eli: "See, but our lawyers uncovered the stuffed box, invalidated them, found out the 30,000 votes inside were for Peter, and then tried to validate them again."
Marilyn: "No prob, let me talk to the lawyer of that."
Eli: "You are not going to love this... It was Will and Alicia."
Marilyn: "Your WIFE? What the fuck goes ON on this show?"
Peter: "But who cares even? Because you can't win with that few votes. We won by eight points! Eight percent of Illinois is like six hundred thousand, if everybody that could vote did vote."
Marilyn: "Seriously fucking stop talking, sir. Eli, my office."
Eli: "Okay, give me one second for no reason in particular."
Marilyn: "I am not doing this ethical Keystone Kops thing with you today, not after you climbed all over my dick last week."
Eli: "I said it was not because of a voter fraud reason!"
Marilyn: "It's not the crime, it's the cover-up. Don't do this to me."
Peter: "I promise we won't cover anything up. We just have to talk about Illinois things in a casual way."
Peter: "Okay, she's gone. Let's talk about covering this up. Why would Moody sell us out?"
Eli: "It's not him. He's a dyed-in-the-wool, Joe Kennedy, Huey Long Democrat. He loves corruption but only for liberal reasons. He's a soldier. He 'gets' it."
Peter: "Maybe somebody at LG? Oh, did I mention that Will Gardner brought me this video on Election Day?"
Eli: "Are you fucking kidding me with this?"
Peter: "No! I refused to look at it! I put my fingers over my eyes and just barely peeked. Then I put my fingers over my mouth and just barely told him to destroy it. It was legal, in Child Court. It was No Backsies and Double-Dogged. Precedents including The People v. My Fingers Were Crossed, The People v. That's No Fair, and The State Of Illinois v. Sucks Is Not A Curse Word."
Eli: "Great. Because Will Gardner is straight losing his fucking mind. So."
DOUBLE VOIR DIRE
The irony is that Diane has taken first chair too -- for probably similar reasons as Cary -- so now it's Diane vs. Cary, but that never really goes anywhere weird because she already dropped the mic on him and now she's pretty much over it. We don't get a lot of Diane in this episode, but as the still point around which the tumult turns she's very comforting. She's the only one without emotional problems, basically: Cary's still being hot-headed, Will's a fucking lunatic obviously; Alicia isn't freaking out but she's not particularly present either.
The voir dire goes by quickly, with quick cuts making various points: Geneva accepts certain jurors for certain juries and vetos others, never explaining why. Old ladies are okay for the man defendant but not the lady one. A fella (played by brilliant John Cariani) opines that ties ought to go to the man in a heterosexual argument, making the man then accountable for these two legs/four legs decisions. Geneva tries to complain that the two defense counsel can't object to each other, because that's not how courts work. An overweight woman makes it personal; hot bitches are bitches that use being hot, etc.
Mostly it's just yelling and weirdly broad caricatures, sketches to show how chaotic this system can be. And the delightful joy Geneva takes in watching these four enemies take each other down, which is really the high point of this entire tedious storyline.
Once the yellin' stops, both teams check in with their investigators: Kalinda has nothing on Howard for LG, because how would she know this would go down. Robyn's going to look into Darla for F/A, but first notifies the partners that the Paisley Group (never seen, but mentioned a thousand times this season already) is thinking of leaving LG. Everybody runs, but then Kalinda randomly approaches Cary.
Kalinda: "Hey, stranger!"
Cary: "Hey, asshole. Later."
Kalinda: "Cary, come on. You know you're going to."
Cary: "Fine, what."
Kalinda: "I'm sorry or whatever, for the time I pulled my usual shit on you that I always pull, only it turned out to matter."
Cary: "Cool, you're forgiven. Now, go fuck yourself real quick so I can get back to work."
Kalinda: "How rude!"
He doesn't know that she's doing a project on being a human being, so it just looks like pure manipulation. He never did seem to grasp that it's always both. Which is interesting about their relationship, but mostly this move just blows my mind, because Kalinda doesn't hold grudges, so she assumes that everybody can just level their internal balance sheet at any time like her, and therefore saying "Sorry" for the first time in her life is like this magical wizard spell that causes bridges on fire not only to go out but also to rebuild themselves of their own accord. A naïve idea, but one that's actually very characteristic of Kalinda, about whom you wouldn't believe that word could ever be used until now.
HON GARBER
The Judge commands the juries to only listen to evidence about their defendant, and also not to consult with the other jury, and half of them are in folding chairs and the other half is in the box, and they whine about that, and Garber is like, "Stop being annoying about the annoying thing I did to you out of pure annoying whimsy!" and that continues throughout the entire episode.
Officer Sorrento: "We were watching them from Customs on, because they look weird together."
Geneva: "Weird like they were trafficking drugs? Or weird like a nine and a four shouldn't even be seen talking to each other?"
Sorrento: "Mostly the latter but then maybe the former, because it was Rio from which they were coming. He was sweating, and she was staring at her feet. Classic drug-trafficking signs, if you've ever seen Brokedown Palace for example."
Diane: "Officer, did you know they fell in love that week, in Rio? Maybe that was why they were so nervous."
Sorrento: "Maybe? But also, they might've been nervous because of the solid hundred-grand of coke in his carry-on."
Diane: "Thanks for the segue, because I wanted to know why you arrested the lady one?"
Sorrento: "She had thirty grand on her."
Diane: "Circumstantial evidence of conspiracy, leading to an investigation which still yielded no direct evidence that the lady one was part of this man's scheme..."
FA: "Uh, not in front of my jury you don't."
Diane: "My bad. What I meant to say was, you can't prove she had access to his bag, where the coke was."
Alicia: "My client was carrying the bags, so you just assumed it was his with the coke?"
Sorrento: "Footage from the Rio airport confirmed it was in his sole possession..."
Alicia: "Did you know she already had two carry-ons? Because it didn't have a nametag. So doesn't it seem like maybe he was the mark in her scheme?"
Diane: "Same objection but the other way!"
The four of them go down the rabbit hole of screaming and then the jury gets into it and then there is a riot. Just kidding, it is merely annoying. The rare case -- especially this season -- of a story being less than the sum of its parts, which in this case hearken back to the silliness of, say, the time they slammed windows and honked horns every time anybody said a swear. We get it, this was a dumb idea. Which begs the question.
GARBANZA
Marilyn: "Eli, is this Jim Moody? Did you tell him to do this? Did you even hint to do illegal things to ballet boxes?"
Eli: "I don't like the vague way you ask that. It's too broad. Did I hint?"
Marilyn: "Please just be cool. Please just this one time be cool. Consider it a shower gift."
Eli: "I make 800 decisions a day. During a campaign, 1600. I cannot micromanage every person I give a direction to. I give direction, I let them exercise their creativity."
Marilyn: "Creativity being code for shadiness and illegality?"
Eli: "Rude."
Marilyn: "Honey, what did you tell him?"
Eli: "I said we were short votes in this one precinct, and we needed to get out the vote. And then more hazily, I remember saying something like, We need to do what we can."
Marilyn: "You said this in the sleazy, creepy way you say everything?"
Eli: "That's what I'm saying. I am... I would insist that is my manner, I'm absolutist in my encouragement toward, um, underlings."
Marilyn: "So it comes down to how hardcore Mr. Moody is, then. If he believed you mean to do what he ended up doing..."
Eli: "Which is the first thing I said, note. He's a soldier."
CHRISTINA BARRETT
Is the name of a flight attendant who was deposed back when there was only one firm. She's packing for her job, and Robyn -- and, intensely, the camera -- focuses on one snapback hat that bears a logo for something called HONEY BAR.
Christina: "Did the ASA not give you my testimony already?"
Robyn: "I have questions about other things."
Christina: "Gummy bear?"
Robyn: "Robyn Burdine! Now, did Ms. Riggs do anything weird on the flight, like drink too much, or steal a magazine, or maybe do a bunch of coke out of her boyfriend's luggage?"
Christina: "A four and a nine traveling together? That was enough for me. Oh, and she lezzed out in the bathroom, I forgot that part. My bad."
Kalinda: "Knock-knock! Just the mere mention of bisexual shenanigans summons me. Can you answer some questions when you are done answering these questions?"
HON GARBER
Juries: "[More bitching.]"
Christine: "It was a full flight, so I stowed his carry-on a few rows up, which freaked him out."
Matan: "And he got into a fight with another guy, is that right?"
Christine: "He shouted that..."
Alicia: "Hearsay!"
LG: "Actually, our jury -- the lady one -- should hear this."
Alicia: "Hearsay though!"
LG: "Not when used defensively..."
Judge: "Man jury, please leave."
Matan: "Okay, what did he yell?"
Christine: "Let go of my bag!"
Matan: "And what did the lady one say about that?"
Cary: "Our jury -- the man one -- should definitely hear this part."
Will: "I thought it was hearsay?"
Alicia: "Why do you care? This isn't a zero-sum game!"
What she means is, You need to get over it. Mr. Lampe will bring this up later, but I started thinking about it now: Pascal's Wager, the Room 101 thing about how maybe God exists and maybe doesn't, but either way you have a choice; that either you are being sold out by your lover or you aren't, but either way you have a choice. Logic and philosophers tell us that the best practice when you're in a double-blind double-bind like this is, you go with the highest good and assume everybody else is also going to the highest good.
It is very characteristic of Will, and somewhat less so for Cary, to base their defense on the other person's guilt. It is very characteristic of Alicia, and somewhat less so for Diane, that they can see to a situation where everybody wins. A zero-sum game is one in which I get all the X, and you get no X: In which the idea that this couple truly loves each other and will never sell the other one out is naïve at best, but reality dictates that one of them is going down (unless they both are). Viewed through the lens of their relationship, Will and Alicia have to disagree on this point, because he is out of his mind with grief and thinks the world is a dark place where you have to vote for yourself and not the highest good.
But it's not a compliment to Alicia that she walks the line of "highest good," through this lens: It's her privilege to pretend they're on an even playing field and that he's being a big baby, because none of his turmoil or the brutal unfairness of the situation comes back on her. Her saying "We can both win together on this" is just nonsense gibberish to him right now, with the added benefit of making her look like a Good Girl and him look like a Bad Boy -- which in turn suits them both, right now.
And then alongside that, you have Diane who is not involved in this bloodbath of theirs, who honestly does hope everybody will win, and you have Cary, who just wants to beat them because he is Cary and a win/lose split would validate him immensely.
And you have the B-story, which Jim Moody will explain in a moment, but which -- juxtaposed like this -- tells us a thing about Peter and Alicia, together and separately, that we always knew but until now could never say out loud: You could fill a book with what they know about what they don't know. Matthew Ashbaugh, Will Gardner, Jim Moody, Lemond Bishop. Off the top of my head, that's four.
MOODY
Jim: "Did you not say to me, We're taking the gloves off?"
Eli: "Yeah, but fraud?"
Jim: "Eli, I could fill a book with what you know about what you don't know. Just tell me which way to fall."
Eli: "Are you wired right now? Fuck you, if you are."
Jim: "That's actually really offensive? What are you talking about? I'm getting three years for election fraud unless I sell you out..."
Eli: "Which will burn you forever. The political process you love -- demonstrably, love too much -- will be closed to you forever. No more friends. Like, right now you have the friendship of the Governor of our entire state..."
Jim: "Yeah, that's working out real well for me."
Eli: "Who do you love, Jim Moody?"
Jim: "Fine. It stops with me. I was the guy. I took your instructions too far."
Which is all well and good. It's actually a fine thing, considering he fucked up and should not have done it regardless of what Eli said or thought he said or Jim thought he said. This is actually the bad part, to like a depressing degree: When Eli stands up and leaves, barking as he goes: "...And I wasn't here."
HON GARBER
Christine: "Okay, this is the weird part. I saw Ms. Riggs go in the bathroom with a lady."
LG: "What is this?"
Cary: "We think a nine played a four, that's what this is. How long were they in there?"
Christine: "Like fifteen minutes! She came out adjusting her skirt."
Matan: "Uh, can we get the man jury in here real quick for this?"
Diane: "No way. This is more prejudicial than helpful, that's why ours got sequestered in the first place..."
Matan: "No, it was because Team Lady asked for it. If the prosecution elicits this testimony it's okay."
Judge: "Because you want to undercut the idea that Ms. Riggs was the manipulated one."
Matan: "Yeah. Because we can screw them both if we do it right."
Christine: "Okay, again, they were in there fifteen minutes."
Matan: "Has anyone on an airplane ever gone in the bathroom and not fucked?"
Christine: "Nope, never."
Matan: "Your witness."
Diane: "Ms. Barrett, do you believe in premarital sex?"
Christine: "Um, what?"
Diane: "Ms. Barrett, are you a fan of Duck Dynasty?"
Christine: "If you're asking if I hate gay people, of course I do."
Diane: "And do you hate other women if you think they're prettier than you?"
Christine: "I'm only human!"
Diane: "Okay, can I ask you if you remember Ms. Riggs asking you for a clip or something, because the clasp on her skirt was broken?"
Christine: "Yes, that was before I realized she was a gold-digging lesbian whore. Wait, are you saying they were in there for fifteen minutes fixing a skirt? That makes sense."
Geneva: "Get the other jury in here, now. We need them to be a happy couple, not a mess, if we want a double win."
Matan: "Okay, Your Honor, can we have the other jury back?"
Bailiff: "For fuck's sake."
Judge: "Okay, why?"
Matan, verbatim: "I don't know. Because?"
AFTER
Lady: "It really was just a bout of skirt-fixing!"
Man: "I know that, obviously. Our love is real."
Cary: "Your deal is, six years for each of you. Both plead simple possession, or neither do."
Man: "I understand this because I am a nerd. I will explain it now."
(He does.)
Alicia: "The SA would love to play you off each other, too. So basically, this deal is their version of the highest good, and if you don't do this and they come after you separately, they're betting they can get at least one conviction due to our schizoid defense. They've covered the whole board."
Man: "Unless our love is so real that nothing can break us apart, and we both win."
Everybody: "Um, yeah. About that."
Will: "Consider that they never offered a deal until now, which means they're on the defensive. About at least one of you."
Alicia: "Can we talk to you away from them, Howard?"
Man: "No, because of love."
Cary: "Okay, well, they're going to think the nine played the four. So you're good."
Lady: "What about my jury?"
Will: "You're a pretty lady, you're used to acting stupid when it suits you. Right? Because of how men and women can be about women?"
Lady: "They want me to be a pawn, because it takes me down a peg from being a nine if I'm an idiot."
Man: "Wait, so now you're saying our best chance is if we're not in love? Because of your dumb-ass split juries? That's kind of elegant."
Will: "Alicia, do you see your juror talking to my juror? John Cariani and Daniel Johnsen, sittin' in an alcove, D-I-S-C-U-S-S-I-N-G the case over there."
Alicia: "Yeah, that's no good. Guess we'll just keep quiet about that until it blows up in my face."
(Spoiler alert, they are actually just being gay together, but it doesn't really matter. If you're the kind of person that goes Awww just from seeing two men holding hands, basically you deserve the life you are living.)
FERN BAR
Kalinda: "Thanks for meeting me."
Cary: "As long as I can be really rude to you about it."
Kalinda: "I miss you."
Cary: "I know we rarely have Previouslies on this show, but do you not remember how you took advantage of me on my very scariest day, then pulled out the Jenga of my heart, all so Will would give you a raise?"
Kalinda: "That, and because I couldn't imagine starting a company with Alicia unless she invited me. But yeah. You know how seriously I take work!"
Cary: "What about friendship?"
Kalinda: "Uh, I spent three months covering your ass before you left, friend. Did you think Will wouldn't be all over me? You really can't imagine how close I got to getting fired over that?"
(Also, somebody named Bruce Springsteen sings over most of the scenes in this entire episode. He seems to feel pretty strongly, not to mention loudly, about this scene in particular.)
He grants the point, but right then the bartender brings the drink Kalinda insisted on buying him, and spills it all over Cary. There is a sad but not surprising moment where Kalinda "tries" not to sneak a peek at the coincidental text message he gets on his phone the second he leaves to clean up, and then of course she does: About Paisley Group getting ready to jump. She hops onto his phone real quick to read the details from Robyn about how Mr. Paisley's granddaughter Haley was rung up on solicitation and LG isn't moving fast enough on it.
HON GARBER
Juries: "[Bitching.]"
Abel Botera: "I am the doorman at the resort they met at. I am in this video of the happy couple chilling in the lobby of the hotel with Alonso Cazorla, the famous Brazilian druglord."
Cary: "We are all so much more than one thing. Like did you know Mr. Cazorla also runs a scuba diving company for tourists, and a nightclub, and two gas stations?"
Botera: "Yeah, they're drug fronts. It's not that hard to understand."
Cary: "Sure, sure. But why would these people know that? This video looks like them paying for scuba lessons. Which I'm pretty sure you concierged for her the day before that."
Botera: "I guess so?"
Cary: "Point being, those lessons were for the Lady alone. And therefore the only meeting prior to this video would have been just her and Cazorla..."
Will: "Objection! Because when you say it like that it sounds like she was shady!"
Cary: "No comment."
Diane: "Judge Garber, make them stop making our lady look bad!"
Judge: "This is a damn hassle!"
Everybody: "Says the guy who dropped this deuce on us in the first place."
Diane: "Can we not work together on this?"
Alicia: "Yeah, tell your asshole partner that."
Diane: "Done. Will, go see Mr. Paisley about this corporate espionage Kalinda thinks she did. I will be a lawyer here, in court."
PAISLEY
Will and Kalinda head over to the head of the Paisley Group -- Tom Skerritt, meaning we are not done with this company -- to see about getting him back in the fold.
Paisley: "Actually I already dropped the idea of leaving for F/A, so..."
Will: "Are you sure? Because what about your whore granddaughter?"
Paisley: "Uh, my granddaughter Haley has Hodgkin's. She's in a wheelchair."
Will: "So, not soliciting sex for cash?"
Paisley: "Uh, no? Prepare for incoming, though."
Will: "What the fuck just happened?"
Kalinda: "What just happened is, I just got Kalinda'd. By Cary Agos of all people."
Will: "That's kinda hot."
Kalinda: "You said it, sister."
COURT
Cary: "Glad to hear from you, Mr. Paisley! I agree, they do not have the personal touch over at Lockhart/Gardner where they would know your granddaughter is no hollaback girl. See you soon."
Alicia: "What's up?"
Cary: "I did the coolest thing! I will tell you about it after you yell at Marilyn Garbanza."
Alicia: "Marilyn Garbanza, I am too busy for your nonsense. I am being totally ethical today."
Marilyn: "It's not about that. Imagine the worst thing I could be calling you about."
Alicia: "Okay, let's chat later."
Marilyn: "It's not about you being Peter's wife, it's about you as his counsel."
Alicia: "My tummy hurts now, but okay."
Will: "Doorman Botera, does Mr. Cazorla speak English?"
Botera: "No. It makes the scuba tours more interesting for sure."
Will: "And but then how could Mr. Lampe or Ms. Riggs talk to him?"
Botera: "Because Mr. Lampe is a nerd that speaks Portuguese."
Man: "My extensive knowledge! It is a curse!"
Alicia: "I thought Mr. Gardner objected to this kind of bullshit, Your Honor."
Will: "Not when it's me, sweetheart!"
Cary: "Is this about the rad thing I did with the Paisley Group trick?"
Nobody: (Knows what he's talking about.)
Geneva Pine: (Doesn't even care, just loves it.)
Alicia: "Your Honor, he is sinking our case at the profit of his own."
Judge: "Which is fine. I'm not going to order the jury to do anything about it."
Alicia: "You're handing me an appeal with this bullshit. Sir."
Judge: "You wanna say that right to my face? To the face of Victor Garber?"
Alicia: "You bet your cute ass I do, Your Honor."
Judge: "Fine, fuck you both. No more sequestration, no more limiting instructions. Just do your fucking jobs. You wanna appeal at the end? Be my guest."
Alicia: "I suddenly want to talk to you in chambers, then."
Judge: "Do you... Are you okay? You're being really awful right now."
CHAMBERS
Judge: "Wait, so you sat on juror misconduct for...?"
Will: "They're not on opposing juries and we had no idea what they were... I didn't think it was necessarily about the case, until I started losing."
Judge: "Will, did you see this happen?"
Will: "NOPE!"
That thing again, the Blue Ribbon/Chandler Bing thing but also the thing that flipped her out last week: The idea that we are all playing nicely and therefore if somebody ever tells a lie, that is the sky falling down. She chooses her words so carefully and stringently and then when somebody hits the chaos button, it freaks her out on this existential level -- just like all the objections, where it sounded to her like an accusation of being a bad person and not just playing the game. But she's learned from last week, hasn't she?
Will: "If Mrs. Florrick is accusing me of lying to the court, I assume she can corroborate that accusation?"
Alicia: "Oh, okay. My bad. I guess I didn't realize how thoroughly Mr. Gardner was willing to burn this shit to the ground. Never mind."
GARBANZA
Alicia: "Are you kidding me with this video? Holy shit!"
Marilyn: "But these are the votes you went to court about, right?"
Alicia: "No way to say, friend. Those are just ballot boxes. And just to remind you, I was in court to invalidate them."
Marilyn: "Cool. Do you know Jim Moody?"
Alicia: "I know of him, he worked on the campaign but..."
Marilyn: "You never talked to him?"
Alicia: "I'm not some Black Widow cartoon character, if that's what you mean. I am not the person of this. We both know who logically is. Can I please go back to fucking work now?"
In classic Alicia Florrick fashion, she gets almost out of the building altogether before turning around, releasing on us the heat of one million suns: Alicia has made up her mind.
Alicia: "Everybody out of my husband's office right now, please."
They: (Bounce, because she is being more intense than at any time ever before.)
Alicia: "I just came to see Marilyn Garbanza and she said the most fucked-up thing..."
Peter: "I was really hoping to clean that up before you got wind of it."
Alicia: "Talk faster, try harder."
Peter: "Why would I have called you in to contest them, if I was the guy on this?"
Alicia: "You didn't, Eli did."
Peter: "Because, against all reason, it turns out Eli didn't know either."
Alicia: "You remember why I got into it? Because Zach discovered it. He was being a good citizen and I was proud to be a part of that. He testified in court."
Peter: "Yeah, again, not helping my campaign. Just doing what's right."
Alicia: "What happens is, our son testifies in front of the fucking Feds."
Peter: "Not if I can clean this up..."
Alicia: "No! My son will not get caught up in the middle of this hurricane. You need to fix this. Shut the hell up, and tell me you're gonna fix it."
It is not exactly in her nature to issue these instructions and let people exercise their creativity in fulfilling them: Too much control lost, too much chance for getting dirty. But bring Zach into it? You could fill a book with what she knows about what she doesn't know.
AGOS APT
Kalinda: "Well played!"
Cary: "I know, right? When did you find out she was his granddaughter?"
Kalinda: "Ugh, right after we accused her of solicitation. You paid the bartender to...?"
Cary: "Yeah, but like I just thought of it right before you showed up so I wasn't sure it would work. But it totally did. Pretty fun stuff."
Kalinda: "So are we even now?"
Cary: "Sure."
Kalinda: "Wanna get a drink?"
Cary: "So you can screw me back over?"
Kalinda: "No, because I want a drink. And friends. And actually find you romantically viable now in a workable way."
Cary: "None of those things are a good idea."
And yet. He swings the door closed in her face, it hangs for a beat, and then he comes back out with a jacket. Who on Earth knows what happens now? Except that it's a bad idea, but also a good one since there is never enough of either of them this season.
COURT
Matan: "Ryan Belfair, head of security for the Cinque Terre Resort, can you tell us what this video is?"
Belfair: "Sixth floor camera. That's them both, and then Howard's handing Cazorla an envelope."
Matan: "But he wasn't staying there, so how did he get up to the sixth floor?"
Belfair: "Somebody had to give him a key."
Will reminds everybody that we don't know what was in the envelope, but Robyn's noticed Cazorla's HONEY BAR t-shirt in the video, and immediately connects it to the hat and other Facebook pictures where Flight Attendant Christine's wearing Honey Bar swag.
Robyn: "So doesn't that appear circumstantially that they know each other?"
Alicia: "Good job! She's not on trial, so we're not even really screwing her over!"
Cary: "Would it be worth it to burn Will and Diane on this?"
Alicia: "That's assuming they would burn us with it. Can't we both win?"
Cary: "He made you look like a lying bitch in front of Victor Garber, though."
Alicia: "That's true. Hmm."
In court, they go after this lady -- all four of them, happily but also grossly -- about her past addictions, her four-month stint in rehab, her 45 grand in credit card debts... It's ugly and painful for her, possibly dangerous if the government follows up, but means both of the people might get off. So is that the higher good? By the time Alicia's wound herself up into an operatic (and not at all admissible) attack on the woman's credibility from every direction, the Judge has had enough and throws out the entire cross. Not that they'll listen. Which Alicia also knows, because she's been feeling those eyes on her since the second Marilyn called: It's not the crime, it's the cover-up.
She locks eyes with Will, for just one moment, and a bridge begrudgingly begins to put itself out, and rebuild of its own accord: Remember who the enemy is. Or just make one up, if you have to.
JURY'S BACK
The couple is stressssed waiting for the juries to return, from their separate deliberations. The Lady one -- LG's client -- gets off. But the Man one asks for another shot at testimony from two of the witnesses, into which F/A doesn't want to read anything even as they're explaining it in what they hope is a comforting manner.
MARILYN
Will: "I wasn't the campaign's lawyer, I was on the team."
Marilyn: "The team that tried to invalidate a ballot box in case it was compromised?"
Will: "Yeah."
Marilyn: "Did you ever get wind of a video suggesting this was Florrick operatives?"
Will: "Hmm? What?"
Marilyn: "Did you ever get wind of a video suggesting this was Florrick operatives?"
Will: "Oh, um. What is this? What are we doing exactly?"
Marilyn: "I'm investigating Ethical stuff?"
Will: "Not the same thing as a grand jury, for example..."
Marilyn: "Did Eli not instruct you to cooperate?"
Will: "Fine, yes. I knew about the video."
Marilyn: "And you didn't tell the Governor?"
Will: "...No?"
Marilyn: "No you didn't?"
Will: "No, I can't answer. Attorney/client privilege, sorry."
Marilyn: "That's cool, no problem. Hey, would you mind getting your ass out of that chair and coming down the hallway with me for a second? Just like take a quick stroll."
Same hallway, to the same office, with the same desperate desire to hope for the best. It goes on for the same forever, too, Bruce Springsteen singing about it the entire way.
GOV OFC
Marilyn: "Peter, could you waive privilege so this motherfucker will answer my questions?"
Peter: "What would be the scope of that waiver?"
Marilyn: "See, already you're pissing me off. The scope would be whatever is involved in my inquiry."
Peter: "That was so Wendy Scott-Carr, when you said that! Oh my God, how freaky!"
Marilyn: "Peter."
Peter: "Can I talk to my old lawyer for just like one second?"
Marilyn: "Please don't do this to me."
Peter: "Just like for one second. Under attorney/client pr..."
Marilyn: "Fine. I will go watch a YouTube video about how to put on a jacket. But then I'm coming right back."
FOR THE RECORD
This is what went down in the finale last year.
Will: "Kalinda found some evidence, no one else has seen it... I'm your lawyer, so you have to tell me what to do with it. And yes, it is bad."
Peter: "Are you doing this to be a dick?"
Will: "No! I just need direction."
Peter: "If that were true, you would have sent Alicia so we didn't have to talk to each other."
Will: "I didn't want to hurt her. Now look. It shows your 30,000 votes are fraudulent."
Peter: "Then take it to a judge and I'll lose the election. Dare you."
Will: "So you want me to bury it?"
Peter: "Do what you want. You want me to lose? Show it to the judge. You want me to win? Don't. I'm not owning this decision."
FAST FORWARD
Peter: "If I did waive privilege, you would testify what?"
Will: "That I brought you a video in your hotel suite, on Election Day..."
Peter: "Which I refused to watch..."
Will: "But which I told you proved 30,000 of your votes were fraudulent."
Peter: "No, you said you had evidence that I would lose the election."
Will: "And that it proved 30,000 of your votes were fraudulent."
Peter: "I do not remember that."
Will: "Oh yeah, motherfucker? Do you remember screwing Diane over? Remember that at all?"
Peter: "Oh, we're getting our hands dirty, are we? That's where we're going?"
Will: "No, I'm just saying it's the privilege of politicians to remember things their way. Might even make you better at politics, in a lot of cases."
Peter: "Please don't lecture me on ethics when..."
Will, verbatim: "What could I tell the most ethical administration in Illinois history?"
Peter: "Meanwhile, you fuck wives and bribe judges, so..."
Will: "Whatever. What do you want me to do? Again, as your lawyer at that time, you tell me what to do. I don't want own this decision either."
Peter: "Marilyn, I'm not waiving privilege at this time."
Marilyn: "So you're both just screwing me on this, huh? This is what you've decided?"
Peter: "Sorry, but yeah. The dots are blurry and the lines between them even moreso, but it lines up. And frankly this dude is still kill-crazy from my wife leaving him, so it's scary. I'd like to keep the genie in the bottle, at least until we figure out whether he released it in the first place. Or until he starts to remember things right."
COURT
Cary: "Okay, Howard. The SA is panicking and they want at least one win out of this, so they've cut your offer down to four years, parole in two."
Howard: "Tell me I can win."
FA: "Nope. Can't say, at this point."
Howard: "I am a mathematician. Think about the likelihood of me even meeting Darla, times the likelihood of us being in love... We beat the odds, which makes it even less likely we'll beat the odds here."
Alicia: "I want to tell you what to do, but I can't tell you what to do and, for once, I have no idea what you even should do."
Howard: "Fine. Two years, I'll do it."
She weeps as they drag him off to jail, and I guess they really did love each other, but we have no idea what would have happened if they'd stuck it out. Or if the fourth-years had stuck it out, and there was only one jury: Maybe sometimes there is no higher good.
FOR E.G.
Eli: "So your conclusion on this matter is that you can't make a conclusion in this matter? You're saying this as the person in charge of deciding the ethics of things?"
Marilyn: "You guys have been cockblocking me since this video showed up. It pisses me off enough to screw you, but that would be unethical on my part. Until people start telling the truth, I can't protect you. And maybe if you do tell the truth, I can't protect you. So, higher good. No report at this time."
Eli: "But who has done this to us?"
Marilyn: "Obviously Will Gardner. Remember him? The guy who found the video and tried to show it to the..."
Eli: "Uh, plus like a million things. You're new, you don't know about all the factors."
Marilyn: "Which I don't know about, because you guys are being sketchy about everything. So fuck it. Your takeaway is that, even though you won by eight points and it doesn't matter, you're still screwed. I won't take it to the Feds, but that's where it's headed unless you trust me starting right now."
Eli: "Can't do it."
Marilyn: "Then you have one problem, and it's not me. Will Gardner is the problem now."
Eli: "I hate that!"
He stomps his feet and throws papers and pulls goblin faces, but in the end, she's right. I just want to know who sent the video, or to know for certain that we'll never know who sent the video, because it's so in your face -- the possibility that Will did it -- that I'm starting to acclimatize. Like, would it be the worst thing in the world? Kind of, but only to Peter. And the only thing that would normally stop Will from doing that is Alicia, and that story ended badly. Which is true regardless of who sent in the tape anyway, actually.
IN SEVERAL WEEKS
See you 9 March, when presumably things will happen? Nobody knows what they are, though. And it is a long way off. Until then, stay safe and warm -- and do not commit voter fraud -- and I think you'll be okay.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, Ravenswood, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.