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F. Murray Abraham arrives on behalf of a remarried couple whose original divorce was handled by David Lee, who is apparently spends his time off performing Gilbert & Sullivan numbers in full dress. Since one of the companies the wife got in the divorce was sold off at a loss -- but is still profiting Lockhart, Gardner, thanks to Julius's foresight -- what seems at first like a nuisance case eventually becomes one of fraud, which threatens to take down the firm itself.
Julius and David Lee are at each other's throats, everybody's getting subpoenaed, and Eli -- of course -- chooses this moment to make a snotty power play against David Lee himself. Central to getting them out of this mess is a conflict waiver Alicia swears she had the wife sign, but nobody can seem to find. It was only her second divorce with the firm, and no matter how many loving looks Kalinda shoots her she can't remember what happened to the paper... Which magically appears, somehow, having possibly been slipped into some paperwork David Lee drew up for the Florrick kids' trust for Alicia to sign without knowing it.
Since we'll never know -- although it's a pretty slick workaround for Alicia's whole morality thing she's got going to be anything else -- Alicia must abide by Diane's directive to testify only to her own best memory and, since she doesn't remember signing the paper today, but does remember signing it years ago, means the paperwork goes through either way. In the end, even Cary manages to be a little sad that we've lost the Alicia Florrick of yore, who would have gone straight to the Supreme Court with her worries that she might have signed a piece of paper.
Meanwhile, Diane keeps running into this hot Australian process-server who seems to have an interest in her, but keeps getting sidetracked into beating up hoodlum lawyers and serving summons to her and her coworkers, so she's in no mood for Eli and David Lee's shenanigans, and in the end she gives them both a stern talking-to that's tonally at least as brilliant as anything we get from...
Elsbeth Tascioni! First Peter's, then -- memorably -- Alicia's, and now seems she's going to be Will's lawyer for the grand jury trial being brought by Wendy Scott-Carr. Which indictment has, by the end of the hour, finally come down, but not after a chillingly adorable face-off between the two ladies, and an even cuter meeting of the minds at her law office-slash-unicorn stable that Will finds as bemusingly adorable as Alicia ever did.
week: Jason Biggs, and the return of Bob Balaban in that ripped-from-the-headlines Bitcoin episode you've been dying to see.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!MEAN ART
Diane is looking at some kind of art when she is approached by the Australian Freddy Krueger, and points out to him that you can stand on this one place in front of the painting and see the artist's signature. It's so sassy how she does this that he follows her to the painting. They talk about how her voice is so amazing, and he admits that all Australian people are faking their accents as a mean joke, since nobody would talk like that naturally.
Freddy: "Americans always ask people what they do for a living, and Australians always ask hot ladies to dinner. You go first."
Diane: "I feel sexy and wild! I don't even care what you do for a living, like Americans always do. Just ask me on a date!"
Freddy: "Unfortunately, I am a process server and this whole thing was a grotesque and complex way to fuck with your mind."
Diane: "Even those who always see these things coming are not always immune to the sensuous quacking sounds of the Australian."
ENTER THE MATRICULATRIX
Zach: "I'm sure we're going to have a ball at this, our eighth school this year."
Grace: "I'm just as sure I will wither here, lonely and unloved. At least until I pull another Martha Marcy May Marlene."
Alicia: "Probably. Hey, your middle school teacher. Hey, those bitches that froze me out after your dad fucked a hooker on the public dime."
Zach & Grace, adorably: "How sad and disadvantaged kids must be, having to go to public school. I feel really sorry for them."
Alicia: "You guys are being so cute right now!"
Australian Freddy Krueger: "Mrs. Florrick?"
Alicia: "What do you do for a living?"
A WEDDING
Will: "It's so great being at this wedding dancing with the bride!"
Australian Freddy Krueger: "May I have this dance... Dude?"
Will: "What do you do for a living?"
L/G
Diane: "Will, where are you right now?"
Will: "I just got served with a grand jury summons for all that illegal shit we constantly..."
Diane: "-- Hey Will? We're on speakerphone. I've got Alicia here, that third-year associate that doesn't need to know every creepy thing we do? She got served too. I also got served. Wicked harsh."
Will: "I'm sorry to hear that, both of you."
Diane: "No, I mean like I got fuckin' served."
Will: "Okay, so this isn't about me? It has to do with Wendy Scott-Ca..."
Diane: "-- Speakerphone, William. No, also David Lee got served. It's about this divorce settlement we did. The Huntleys."
Will: "I remember the case. Why's she mad?"
Alicia: "We got that lady half his VC company assets, the house is Highland Park, and sole custody of the daughter."
Diane: "It's the husband, suing for Alienation of Affection. Illinois is one of seven states that still has that on the books."
Will: "What? That's a joke about Depression-Era changing gender roles that's even on the books. Something else is going on."
Diane: "Yeah, considering we're three days from refinancing -- not to worry, Alicia, it's just about short-term liquidity -- I'm thinking it's BS."
Will: "Let's get rid of these people. Where's David Lee?"
David Lee enters screaming, predictably enough, but less predictably he's wearing this, like, Versailles footman's costume. When I said I hoped he was gay, I guess I should have been more specific. I meant the regular kind, you know, like where it's hot. Not the weird imaginary kind.
David Lee: "Let's countersue, on principle."
Diane: "David, have you enlisted as a Modern Major General?"
David Lee: "No, I'm a Yale alum."
Diane: "Asked and answered."
Alicia: "This is the best fucking day of my entire life."
David Lee: "Florrick, put that grin away and accompany me down memory lane. You were on that divorce in your first year, and there was a stripper involved."
Diane: "Good! There can't be Alienation of Affection if the husband was cheating."
Alicia: "Legal language is a hoot. As is David Lee wearing makeup and tights."
Diane, fucking with his cravat: "Just get Kalinda and stop looking at his ass in those tights. David Lee, is there anything I should know?"
David Lee: "What on earth do you mean? This was straight-up division of assets, nothing weird, nothing special. We did right by her."
Diane: "Sure, that's what I meant."
OUTSIDE
Alicia: "Will, did somebody say Wendy Scott-Carr?"
Will: "Don't worry about it. Don't ask questions. David Lee, why are you dressed like Big Block of Cheese Day?"
David Lee: "I wanted to impress April Huntley's attorney."
Alicia: "Julius still works at this law firm, and also still runs her business stuff."
Diane: "Let Will talk to her, for political reasons that are not yet clear."
Will: "And then the husband's attorney is from Los Angeles? How come?"
RECEPTION
F. Murray Abraham: "I have brought my particular tics and twitches all the way from Los Angeles! Old people dig me because I say things like, 'It's so cold in Chicago!'"
Alicia: "It's not cold, you're just dying. Take your coat? Apparently I'm the new receptionist, since you're the third person they've sent me running after so far."
FMA: "Why do you people enjoy seasons?"
Alicia: "I think it's about ... change?"
FMA: "Monstrous!"
Alicia: "Who the fuck are you?"
GARDNER'S OFFICE
April: "My ex-husband is such a turd. This is absolutely the first I'm hearing about this lawsuit for sure, no takebacks."
(Alicia squires FMA to Diane's office, past Will's window.)
Will: "Aw, jeez. Why is your ex using this amazing LA lawyer?"
April: "Probably because he wants in on the $44 mil."
Will: "...Hey April? How did you know your ex-husband was suing for $44M?"
April: "Shit! Um, I mean, uh, I'm sorry, who is this? Is somebody there? Hello?"
LOCKHART'S OFFICE
FMA: "Ms. Lockhart, it's crazy how I always see you during the winter."
Diane: "time, fly us out to LA. Haha! This is our footman, David Lee."
Alicia: "I'm getting creeped out."
FMA: "David Lee? You're the one that got control of all my client's companies..."
David Lee: "Uh, I think that would be his ex-wi..."
Will, arriving: "-- David Lee, stop! They have her! April is on their side!"
FMA: "Yep. They're reconciled. And now they're mad that you split up his companies once you split up their marriage, and helped her sell. Including one company that you sold at a loss and is now worth $44M. Which is how we're playing this."
David Lee, hangdog: "I am the very model of a..."
Diane: "-- Not even your costume is taking the edge of this one. Turn around so I can see your butt in those hilarious tights again."
EQUITY PARTNER CONFERENCE
Eli ignores the L/G partners while they scream at each other. David Lee is back wearing clothes, having gotten most of the makeup off. Julius still works at this law firm even though we never see him.
David Lee: "I am not going to sit here getting yelled at by... Sorry..."
Julius: "Julius! My name is Julius! I work at this law firm!"
Diane, shouting: "This is an intentional tort, can't be covered on the firm's insurance. We're all on the hook for $1.2M."
Eli: "The fuck you say? I'm listening now."
Diane: "Equity partners share everything. Yeah."
David Lee: "I don't even know that little leprechaun. Who are all these people?"
Eli: "Um, I just signed that equity partnership paperwork like three weeks ago. Are you kidding me with this? I'm on the hook for a million bucks?"
Julius: "Only if we lose, which David Lee is going to do for sure."
(Screaming, while Alicia watches from outside.)
Kalinda: "One happy family..."
Alicia: "I'm not even trying to ignore you, it's just Australian Freddy Krueger just walked in."
Alicia: "Receptionist, call security. Australian Freddy Krueger, get out."
AFK: "I'm here to flirt with Diane some more. I brought her a painting."
Alicia: "Yeah, I'm sure it's not an extra-giant, extra-insulting subpoena or something. Leave that so-called painting with the receptionist and get out of here before I beat your ass myself."
LATER
Kalinda: "Here we have pictures of him making out with a stripper at a fancy restaurant. But that's not the whole story here."
Diane: "Okay, The Girl With The Paul Harvey Tattoo. What corrupt shit did you pull?"
Kalinda: "You know how David Lee is sort of an awful person? He wanted me to set Huntley up for a DUI, so I got this hooker/stripper to get him drunk, and he got pulled over. And it worked! He lost custody! Go me! Score one for Team Sharma!"
Diane: "You have such lofty goals when you start a law firm. Dreams of fighting injustice, writing wrongs..."
Kalinda: "It is not my fault he slept with her! He was just supposed to get drunk and endanger others! Team Sharma!"
Alicia: "Whore."
Kalinda: "Let's just say David Lee went the extra mile and leave me out of it."
Will: "Would this be in his notes?"
Alicia: "Maybe? He's David Lee. It could be written on the skin of a virgin infant somewhere."
Will & Diane: "Alicia, you're the only one David Lee likes, when he's not cold-cocking you in the face. Kalinda, limit discovery. Find documents. Be spooky."
ALONE
Diane: "Will. You need a lawyer for this Wendy stuff."
Will: "I'm on it."
(He names a short list; she tenderly approves of them.)
Diane: "Listen, are you doing all right?"
Will: "Yeah. And if it starts on the firm, we'll talk about..."
Diane: "-- This is not anything we will ever have to talk about. We're in this together."
(Equity partners run by, poking each other with sticks.)
Will: "Is it too early to start drinking?"
Diane, sighing: "Two more hours."
TWO MORE HOURS
Will takes a meeting with this psycho dreamboat and they talk about how the SA is just throwing weight around, and even though grand juries are scary, everything is going to be fine. The psycho-ness outweighs the dreamboat-ness just enough that Will is unsettled.
DEPO
April tells Diane that she's pissed at David Lee for pimping her husband out to a hooker, which Diane thinks is hilarious, and Preston (F. Murray Abraham) wades into the deposition. Diane presents her with their original retainer, and Preston jumps in to point out that she tried to reconcile twice before... That's when David Lee showed her the pictures.
David Lee: "If I'm a shoe salesman and you come to buy shoes, it's not my job to talk you out of it, it's my job to find a good shoe for you."
Preston: "You convinced her twice not to reconcile, though. You wouldn't let her call it off."
David Lee: "Because he was FUCKING a STRIPPER, dude."
Preston: "He says he wasn't."
David Lee: "Oh gee, I had no idea! How could I have been so mistaken..."
Diane: "Note in the record that David Lee is being an ass, please."
David Lee: "I saw something, I said something..."
Preston: "-- Did you hire the stripper?"
David Lee: "Um. I. Fuck you."
Preston: "You realize that perjuring yourself in a deposition is a crime?"
David Lee: "Ask me again."
Preston: "Did you hire the stripper in this photograph?"
David Lee stands up -- to leave? -- just as Rory Gilmore's grandfather is walking into the firm. But ha! David Lee sits down cozily and cutely to the court reporter and tells her very clearly that he didn't hire the stripper in the picture, that he lost his virginity at 14, that he has a secret crush on Jackie O, didn't cry when the Challenger exploded...
GARDNER
Richard Gilmore -- also a Yale man, a Whiffenpoof if I remember correctly -- is the second of Will's possible attorneys. He is wearing a gold tie and a severely black-trimmed white pocket square, and has kept himself together admirably. His defense would be... Turn evidence and plea out to minimum security and loss of his license? Will looks really sad for a sec and then starts laughing, and Gilmore admits that he is just being weird and cynical. Not sure what the final score is on that, but Will's dark and grim nod that he gives Alicia is pretty worrisome.
Diane: "David Lee, did you hire the stripper or what?"
David Lee: "I told them the truth and saved you $44M."
Diane: "But Kalinda did?"
David Lee: "Grow up and listen to the words I'm saying. Leave it at that. This is a grownup's game."
Diane: "Uh, that's bad news because they're deposing Alicia and you know girlfriend don't play."
Marthas and Caitlins. I think he's well aware.
FLORRICK
Will: "Hey Alicia, remember that time you hired that elfin trickster spirit from the forest to get the Treasury off your ass?"
Alicia: "Yeah. Elsbeth Tascioni. Just take this penny and throw it in the air on any nearby street corner. Take the first left, second right, and then wait at the first public fountain you see."
David Lee: "Hey Alicia! How's it going, good buddy?"
Alicia: "Oh, shit. Please don't hit me in the face."
David Lee: "Haha, you kidder! No, I just designed six different iterations of your children's trust, depending on which way you go with your marriage. I just thought it would be more convenient to anticipate every possible future need you might have. Because we're best friends!"
Alicia: "David Lee, what is going on. I can't even smell the brimstone that usually attends your arrival."
David Lee: "That's oatmeal raisin you're smelling because I also popped some cookies in there. Piping fresh. Just thought you could use a little pick-me-up, friendster! Want a foot rub?"
Alicia: "Oh my God, you think I'm going to screw you on this stripper thing."
KAL-EL
Eli: "Would they ever get rid of David Lee?"
Kalinda: "No. He brings in a shit-ton of money."
Eli: "What if he starts costing more?"
Kalinda: "Then fuck him. Remember the Cheese Lobby? I was on standby to murder you in the parking lot for about a week there. It was touch-and-go."
Eli: "So what you're saying is that I should sabotage him? Make a massive power play to rid this firm of the head of Family Law?"
Kalinda: "Girl, if you go after him and don't win, he will wear your tiny little eyebrows as earrings. They won't be able to identify your remains."
Eli: "We are talking about $1.2M, Kalinda."
Eli makes a succession of sassy faces at David Lee's back.
DEPO
Preston: "Man, all you bitches are just screaming for cover, huh?"
Alicia: "No, we're cool. Thanks for asking."
Preston: "Do you know what perjury is? And its penalties?"
Alicia: "Uh, yeah."
Preston: "What is it."
Alicia: "Perjury is a class three felony resulting in imprisonment for no less than two years and no more than five. You fuckface."
Preston: "What did you do on the Huntley divorce?"
Alicia: "Supervised, I helped negotiate division of assets and executed paperwork."
Preston: "And?"
Alicia: "What do you mean?"
Preston: "You functioned as something of a hand-holder for my client?"
Alicia, immediately: "Nope!"
(Nice.)
Preston: "Ah, right. I meant the wife of my client, at the time. April Huntley. Obviously."
Alicia: "I tried to be nice to her. I am the only nice person here, so it often falls to me to..."
Preston: "And you talked about your husband cheating on you?"
Alicia: "We commiserated on..."
Preston: "You said You can't imagine the relief you feel, that first night, just being alone, having a glass of wine..."
Diane: "Stop it. Don't go into her shit. Even though making her angry turns her into an unstoppable magic force."
Preston: "Well, she went there with my client."
Alicia: "She asked about my experiences and I comforted her. The end. You are alienating the fuck out of my affection right now."
Preston: "Seems like coercion to me. Did David Lee hire this stripper to seduce my client?"
Alicia: "No."
Preston: "Do you know what perjury is?"
Alicia: "Oh my God."
He shows them the sale documents for Bubble Elastics, of which L/G gets 5% of future profits. Which Alicia has never seen, but which means that L/G made more off the sale than April did, since it was the back end. Which -- to Preston's mind, although how would anybody know that ahead of time -- says fraud. Diane gets their asses out of there so instantly the chairs are still spinning as F. Murray Abraham leans back and lights his pipe, red firelight playing across his face in the shadows.
EQUITY PARTNERS
Everybody still screaming at everybody else. It comes down to the fact that Julius made more money on the sale than David Lee did on his divorce case, which does make them all look pretty insane.
Eli: "Your right hand doesn't know what the left is doing."
Diane: "My right hand is about to bitch-slap you if you don't stay out of it, noob."
Julius: "Why am I being persecuted for doing my job?"
David Lee: "Because you didn't tell us and now it's fraud, you stupid..."
Everybody: (Accidentally fills in the blank.)
Julius: "Uh, what? Say it. Come on."
David Lee: "I am very offended that you think I was about to say that."
(Everybody fronts.)
Will: "So but she signed a conflict of interest waiver?"
David Lee: "Yeah, that's a standard rider. Kalinda can find it somewhere."
Eli: "...Bam! It is now time for us to talk, Lockhart."
LOCKHART
Diane: "Oh my God, I got these two drama queens and now you?"
Eli, flouncing about: "I have only begun to get dramatic. Watch as I throw the Partner Agreement down on the desk. Smack! See as I point to a specific clause allowing the firm to limit liability in cases of fraud. Smock! Listen as I remind you that this was a clause specifically demanded by none other than David Lee! Smick!"
Diane: "You are so exhausting. And how do you even know that?"
Eli: "Kalinda told me. We are BFFs now. Deal with it."
Diane: "We aren't throwing anybody under the bus. And don't you throw Kalinda in my face. And don't toss in my face David Lee either. He brought in 30% this year. You know what you brought? Cheese killing children. Waves of barf going up the walls. A pissing contest with Amy Sedaris that eventually had us defining pizza as a fruit and chocolate milk as an engine lubricant. 100% of Santa Claus blowjobs. Thanks, Eli Gold."
Eli: "30% of the profits, 100% of the malpractice. Thanks, David Lee."
Diane: "You are being short-sighted."
Eli: "You are being romantic. You think this is a family."
Diane: "If David Lee came to me to dump you, I would tell him to fuck off too."
(Julius stomps by, having been practically called a very bad word.)
Eli: "How about I bring a majority of equity partners to outvote you on this?"
Diane: "Yeah, you go ahead. What with all these friends you have in the firm besides me."
Eli: "I am going to go make friends."
Diane: "Yeah, you do that. You little fucker."
She practically grins as he stomps out of there, in his little shoes. It is impossible to stay mad at him. And that's when she notices the print dropped off by her Australian suitor, and turns that little grin all the way up to Perfect.
WILLSBETH
Elsbeth's office looks like the end of Dollhouse. No furniture, just tarps and windows hanging open and pieces of paper drifting around in the breeze.
Elsbeth: "Why hello! Just let me clear these teacups and doilies off that shamrock so you can sit down."
Will: "I'm cool just standing here. In this magical forest where your office is."
Elsbeth: "Shit got pretty crazy last night. It was a full moon."
Will: "Alicia just loves you."
Elsbeth: "She's very nice. What's your story, they think you bribed some judges?"
(A phone rings.)
Elsbeth: "Do you... Hear that?"
Will: "...Yes?"
Elsbeth, into the air: "Fantasia! Someone's calling! Fantasia!"
Elsbeth kicks at a phone-shaped lump under a painter's tarp until it stops making noises. Will Gardner is, of course, now terrified and wants to leave. Will we ever see Fantasia? I kind of hope not. Just hear about her a whole lot. Is she real? Maybe not how you or I use the term. But she's real to Elsbeth Tascioni, and that's enough for me.
Elsbeth, to the phone-shaped lump: "Call back! If you can hear me, call back later!"
Will: "I gotta gooooo..."
Elsbeth: "Mr. Gardner! Name the three most honest judges in Chicago."
Will: Does.
Elsbeth: "And you're just... Waiting around for a grand jury?"
Will, nodding sheepishly: "Yeah."
Elsbeth: "No, you need to apply pressure to the Special Prosecutor."
Will: "Wendy Scott-Carr? How do I do that? She scares cancer."
Elsbeth: "You don't do that. I do that. Somehow I haven't figured out yet, but will be amazing. Possibly involving a haunted party-line or a unicorn injunction. Here we go, bro."
She talks to herself for awhile, then remembers he's sitting there.
Elsbeth: "We good?"
Will, quite taken at this point with her oddness: "...Yeah, we're good."
(Phone rings.)
Elsbeth, gasping: "I think that's a different one! Fantasia!"
FILEROOM
Kalinda gets into it with a cute nerd and makes him go through the database: There's not a conflict rider on this particular case. And who logged it in -- and therefore never got it? Uh oh. You're not going to like this. It was the first-year associate who was doing all the paperwork for the case. One Alicia Florrick.
FLORRICK
Kalinda: "...Hi."
(She comes in, hesitating. They're like fawns, walking on glass.)
Alicia: "...Hi. Something wrong?"
Kalinda: "Um. Huntley was your first divorce?"
Alicia: "Second. Why?"
Kalinda: "And you did the contracts?"
Alicia: "Yesssss..."
It's wonderful. They both desperately want this not to be true, and Alicia swears she saw April sign the thing because she countersigned it, but then she's not sure, and the whole time Kalinda is like, Well, did you maybe file it somewhere else, and Alicia is like, Fighting for this idea that she didn't fuck this up, and so stressed out she forgets to be snotty with Kalinda, and finally Kalinda's so sad that this got fucked up and that she couldn't save Alicia on this one, and Alicia's so terrified of disappointing her superiors slash bringing the entire firm down... Oh, it's a mess. It's a great misdirection because the whole undercurrent of Them stuff -- what you, the viewer, thought you wanted to be focused on -- is right now a distant second to all of us wanting this paperwork to exist.
LOBBY
Diane: "I'm on my way up, I can't hear you, give me a sec... Oh, the Australian. Hey, could you fuck off and not be trying to be my boyfriend?"
Freddy: "Ms. Lockhart, I... Hang on."
Psycho Dreamboat Lawyer from earlier is his new guy, who reacts by starting physical shit with him when he tries to serve him, and then -- remember McVeigh? -- Freddy gets right up in Diane's good graces by subduing PDL with sudden violence. It's remarkable, and all the moreso for the cute things it does to Diane.
Freddy: "You were saying?"
Diane: "This happens a lot?"
Freddy: "No, most people are pretty cool about getting served. Listen, I wasn't here to see you. I cover this district."
Diane: "My bad! Hahaha."
Freddy: "Nice to see you."
Diane: "Oh. My. GOOOOOOOD."
EQUITY PARTNERS
Equity Partners: "You were just a first-year associate. You weren't even a Caitlin back then, more like a... Mom. It's okay if you were retarded."
Alicia: "Look, dicks. I swear to God we did this contract rider."
Diane: "We're going to need to talk behind your back now."
Kalinda feels just terrible, of course, but Alicia's all alone when she leaves.
GOLD & ASSOC.
David Lee: "So, that one clause about fucking me over, huh?"
Eli: "Yeah."
David Lee: "Some subsequently smoking piles of wreckage have tried to come after me before, little fella. But nobody with your balls-out lack of finesse. How much are you bringing in this year?"
Eli: "I don't know yet."
David Lee: "I am going to take you out, little man. Starting with your knickknacks."
Eli: "Put down my knickknacks. I'm not scared of you."
David Lee: "I don't know if you get it. You're dying here."
Eli: "You fucked up, buddy. You have to act cool. This is not cool. This is not good PR."
David Lee: (Chucks a paperweight at him. He catches it easily.)
Eli: "Thing is, I was about to leave the firm. You just made it worthwhile to stay."
FLORRICK
Kalinda: "Alicia, can I enter your office?"
Alicia: "...Sure."
Kalinda: "Diane asked me to interview you about that thing."
Alicia: "I am back to being obnoxious with you. I checked out my day planner and it says I signed it at 11, and then went to a function at Grace's school. I filed the contract, gave Mrs. Huntley's lawyer two copies, and I filed the third. I was the one that copied it, not a paralegal..."
Kalinda: "And the rider was separate?"
Alicia, shocked: "...I don't remember."
Kalinda, gulping: "Attach the rider to the contract? Do you remember signing it yourself, as a witness?"
Alicia, mouth hanging open: "..."
Kalinda: "I'm going to write down Yes."
Alicia: "No, Kalinda, I mean, I honestly don't remember! Oh my God!"
Kalinda: "I'm going to write down Yes."
David Lee, scowling: "Alicia Florrick?"
Alicia: "Yes."
David Lee: "We found the rider."
The world comes off her shoulders, she starts crying. Kalinda can't stop smiling and trying to see Alicia's eyes, but not catch her eyes, but wants Alicia to smile back, and it's amazing.
LOCKHART
Diane: "I'm overjoyed!"
Will: "You must have been freaking the fuck out."
Alicia: "Oh, I was."
Everybody smiles and laughs and run around fixing things. But then David Lee points at Alicia's signature on the page... And it isn't hers. And this time, she looks right at Kalinda. And Kalinda looks back.
Alicia goes through her kids' trust file, again and again. Not a bribe. David Lee, working three steps ahead. Or just what he said it was.:
Diane, looking at it: "Okay, but you're not sure?"
Alicia: "Am I sure that this rider is something David Lee slipped to me to sign? No. I just... I think there were six pages in my children's trust to sign, and now there are five..."
Diane: "We need to go on your best memory. You remember signing the rider, and you're not sure if this is a different one? Testimony is about your best memory."
Alicia: "What if it's wrong?"
Diane: "Testimony is about your best memory. Your memory is that saw the rider being signed. That's a fact. It's not my job to make Preston's case for him. It's his job to poke holes in your testimony. You don't poke holes in your own."
Alicia: "Right. Got it. Yes. I get that. I have to go be sickened now."
I love that. Love it. Of all the Alicia Situations she regularly gets herself into, this is the one of the Aliciaest, because Diane's right: There's no reason it shouldn't have been, and she can't be deposed to say other than her recollection. It's a paperwork issue, a legalism at the most extreme, which changes nothing about the case they did in good faith or the work Julius did in good faith: Just a thing that is unknowable, compounded by another thing that is unknowable, and whether or not something happened in the middle, she can never know. I'm just glad Kalinda's hands are off it: There's plenty of time for her to do gray-hat stuff
CHILDREN'S THEATRE
Elsbeth: "I love children's plays. Anything with bears!"
Wendy Scott-Carr: "I just enjoy artifice of any kind. You're a funny little thing."
Elsbeth: "You're Wendy Scott-Carr, aren't you?"
Wendy: "Yes. Yes, I am. And soon I'll be the woman who destroyed Peter Florrick and everything else in a five-mile radius. Are you with the SA?"
Elsbeth: "God no. I'm a lawyer. Will Gardner's lawyer, in fact."
Wendy: "Hahaha! We are having such fun!"
Damn, I love Wendy Scott-Carr. She's so neat to watch.
Elsbeth: "Yeah. I heard that you met with my client, huh? Don't do that again without me present, okay?"
Wendy: "He bribed several judges, lady."
Elsbeth: "Funny thing, this journalist was asking me about particular judges..."
Wendy: "I haven't talked to the press."
(Which, didn't she totally leak testimony before? Or something similarly bad, during the three-way race? Am I making this up?)
Elsbeth: "No, sure! But the particular judges were Howard, Spinelli and Cotter [I think], which are three of the most honest judges on the bench. I mean, it would be fucked up if you pissed off those very trusted and honorable judges..."
Wendy, getting harder: "You leaked those names? I'm not even investigated them on this trumped-up shit. I could get you for obstruction of justice right now."
Elsbeth: "Yeah, but like, you'd need a judge to file that. Right? I mean, I'm guessing that would be tough."
Wendy: "I gotta go, I'm with my kids. Tell your client to get ready for indictment."
Elsbeth: "He doesn't need to be. I am! Nice to meet you."
Yessss.
HUNTLEY
Preston: "So you just happened to find this lynchpin document, huh? You bitches are lying."
Diane: "I am offended."
Preston: "Whatever. I'm re-deposing Alicia. And the other first-year from that case..."
Diane: "Don't say it don't say it don't say it..."
Alicia: "Don't say it don't say it don't say it..."
Jacob: "Please say it that's so awesome just say it..."
Preston: "CARY AGOS!"
Diane & Alicia: "Aw, you said it."
Diane: "Great, I'll call him right the fuck up."
LOBBY
Aussie's waiting for Diane when she gets out of work, down in the lobby, dressed like Blake Calamar's sexy grandpa.
Diane: "Hey, lurk much? Are you going to ask me out now?"
Freddy: "No, I just thought you'd think something was interesting. Regarding your summons."
Diane: "Man, I cannot figure you OUT. This is GREAT."
Freddy: "Yeah, I know. Mr. Huntley wasn't with his wife, let's say, when he signed off on those subpoenas."
Diane: "That is awesome. Can we make out yet?"
Freddy: "Maybe."
Diane: "ARGH, you are killin' me, man! You know that?"
It is hot. She is not wrong.
HUNTLEY
Preston: "Do you recognize this document?"
Cary: "This one I didn't sign and had nothing to do with? I do not."
Preston: "But you were with Alicia on this divorce, under David Lee. So you would have seen this document."
Cary: "Dude, it was two years ago. I couldn't identify anything in that entire file for you."
Preston: "So how did a paper signed by Alicia Florrick end up in your files?"
Cary: "Man, I'm so over this. We shared an assistant. It's not that amazing."
Preston: "You were fired from this firm, yes? So your testimony might be influenced by wanting your job back?"
Cary: "Ha! You cannot construct that narrative. I will tell you that I have no reason to believe that thing's forged. I knew Mrs. Florrick and Mr. Lee to be outstandingly competent and ethical throughout my time at the firm."
Any other day, she'd be touched. Today, she just hears herself being lumped in with David Lee and it stings instead of helping. Any other day, you'd be touched to hear him say that. But we're past that now.
Cary: "And as for me, I have no vested interest. I don't work here and I don't intend to."
Diane nods, sadly. She's always had this hope, way in the back. They all have. Any other day it would be nice to see him.
LATER
Alicia: "Thank you."
Cary: "You're welcome?"
Alicia: "I don't get it."
He just laughs. She's lost something. Maybe he's the only one that can see it. But she can see him, seeing it -- "I don't get it," when she's the one that taught him it, and how to get it -- man, that's a rip. He feels sorry for her. They part fairly friendly, considering the last time she saw him she nearly ripped his face off, but she can still feel it when he's gone. Like he was shocked to see her in a different box than she one she used to define. Or maybe she's just being paranoid. Maybe she was supposed to get it? Maybe she's just growing up, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. But that doesn't feel right either. Any other day.
HUNTLEY
Preston: "We're going to send the document to get the ink tested."
David Lee: "That's stupid. It's overzealous and crazy and will run you thirty grand."
Diane: "So we can offer you thirty grand as a goodwill settlement..."
Huntley: "No way!"
Diane: "Fine. Here's our final offer."
She slides across an envelope containing... Much more recent pictures, of Mr. Huntley and his girlfriend. The music gets adorable, the wife goes through them, Preston sighs and gives up, and the wife identifies the shirt he's wearing... As one she bought him last week.
STATE'S ATTY
Wendy's getting it up the ass from the three most honest judges in Chicago. So when it's time to take the fight back to Elsbeth, she tells Cary, that means it's time to indict Will.
LOCKHART
Eli & David Lee: Bitching cross-talk that Diane can barely focus on.
Diane: "Both of you shut up immediately. Eli, you're being a little shit. David Lee, you're not going anywhere so stop bluffing. Nobody but L/G would let you get away with the crap you pull and you know it. And that goes double for you, Eli, so you can wipe that awful puss off your face and go tend your pot of gold. You're only here until it's time for the governor's campaign. Yes?"
Eli: "...Uh..."
Diane: "Yeah. I have your number, both of you. Stop whining, stop pissing and moaning, and stop threatening me."
David Lee: "Fine, I'm going back to work."
Diane: "Good. Eli?"
She quirks an eyebrow, and he skulks off too. It's amazing. You gotta think real hard about how to play a scene like that -- battleax vs. entitled little boys is a thing that could blow up in your face from any direction -- but between the acting, the writing and the arc that lead up to it, plus the relief of having another intra-L/G war again so soon defused, more than makes up for it. It's not about making the woman powerful at the expense of the male characters any more than the one thousand torments of Alicia Florrick are about making her less-than as a woman: It's simply three equals, two of whom have personality disorders, getting the very best Diane has to offer on one of the most amazing days of her life.
Which is, of course, why the Aussie shows up, just as those naughty boys are leaving: Because today she earned it.
And if he's also carrying Will's grand jury indictment when he arrives, well, that's pretty cute too. Even if Will doesn't quite understand that part.
WEEK
Noted American piefucker and client-protecting attorney Jason Biggs incurs the wrath... Of a returning Bob Balaban! Sweeeeet. Balaban, check. Elsbeth, check. (Bitcoin episode, who isn't looking forward to a Bitcoin episode, am I right? Nothing funnier than this show talking about the internet in a way CBS viewers can understand and additionally makes zero sense whatsoever.) Everything's comin' up Jacob. Guess that means Finn's just a Janterm away, right? No? Can I at least get some Mamie Gummer up in here? I'm willing to negotiate.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.