In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
The case of the week, in which Caitlin is pitted against Martha (who works for Canning now, just like Alicia will someday, according to him), involves Jennifer Carpenter playing a crummy English Lit professor who lodges a fake sexual harassment complaint after she's fired for being ten different kinds of asshole. It's interesting, if you're the kind of person who is thrilled by concretist religious debate, but probably educational for those people who think the Bible justifies their bigotry. (Spoiler! It doesn't.)
Speaking of sodomites, Kalinda is interrupted before closing the deal with Dana by the sudden abduction of Grace Florrick, whom she secretly tracks and rescues and returns home without the terrified Alicia ever finding out who her guardian angel really is. (I expect that will last a long time, Alicia not finding that out and reconciling with her best friend. We're coming up on half-a-season of this, you guys.)
The storied abduction takes place like 40 minutes into the episode, but makes up for that with sheer suspenseful horror feelings as Alicia, Michael J. Fox's Louis Canning, and the entire Cook County PD get in on the act. Where is she? Oh, of course she's just off getting baptized in some South Side church, because that's how her bullshit rolls, but the frightening farce does manage to reshuffle some important relationships.
For starters, Peter is the only person she can depend on during the several-hour crisis, especially considering she's just blatantly ignoring Will's phone calls now. And then, of course, there's the whole snafu with Diane, who's making their affair a sticking point in renewing the Lockhart/Gardner partnership that forms the basis of their firm.
So it's mommies and daddies and temporary détentes all round, I guess; even Eli manages to get a little closer to still-frosty Will, eventually promising to find out more about Wendy's investigation through his old buddy Peter. A very important storyline, to be sure, but especially now that Andrew Wiley -- the guy who broke Leela to begin with -- is involved.
Between some public breakdowns, a subtle talking-to from Grace, weird vibes -- consider that everybody except her now knows about the investigation -- and the abduction, it's kind of a relief for everybody when Alicia finally breaks up with Will, for the reason of: Too much dang stuff going on all the time. Will wins points with Diane, who thinks it was his idea, but is secretly devastated since he was about to try and buttonhole her into a greater commitment. Bad timing, you say.
week: Something hinky went down with a jury, Cary has Kalinda arrested, and hopefully everybody circles the wagons, now that all's back on track at L/G.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!IN BED
Alicia has one of those horrible dreams where Grace is talking.
Grace: "Mom, wake up! I'm in trouble!"
(Scary noises of waking up from a dream.)
Alicia, The Grace Whisperer: "Whew, it was just a dream. Thank God Grace wasn't abducted and brutally murdered. So far."
IN REAL LIFE
Alicia has one of those horrible moments where Grace is talking.
Grace: "Mom, why do you keep calling me all the time?"
Alicia: "Just tell Zach to stay off the Turnpike."
Grace & Zach: "They're talking about L/G on the radio, also. Some guy named Donald Pike got a witness killed."
Alicia, hilariously distraught: "Colin Sweeney? Awesome! But also I hope not!"
Grace & Zach: "[Vaguely this has something to do with the firm itself.]"
Alicia: "I am very overprotective today for some foreshadowing reason. Keep me apprised of your whereabouts and leave a trail of Post-Its everywhere you go in case you are brutally murdered over several days."
COURT
The constant jump-cutting is really effective and scary. This show is so amazing, like, they're actually succeeding at making you worry that Grace might be murdered and become a ghost that won't let Alicia get her rest.
Clumsy Caitlin, dropping briefs and whatnot: "I am so scared of being a lawyer suddenly!"
Alicia: "Don't worry about it. You're going to do so great. Plus, this is just arbitration with a $35K cap. The opposition will just go through the motions. Pretend it's just college."
Dexter's Sister: (Sits down looking totally intimidating.)
Caitlin, expositing: "Here comes the opposing counsel. She doesn't look too threatening."
Dexter's Sister: "Did you see me twist my shit all around in that exorcism movie? That was not CGI. I am super scary all the time. Except on Dexter, where I am the only interesting thing."
Martha: "Hey, bitches!"
Alicia: "Martha, it's so nice to see you! I hope you don't hold any grudges ever since I dicked you around and hired a firm partner's niece behind your back so that you lost your first job and had to go work for my archenemy, Michael J. Fox."
Caitlin: "Hey, I'm the girl that ruined your life! No hard feelings I hope."
Martha: "Wow, she's got real pretty hair, huh? I am about to twist my shit all around like this is an exorcism."
Alicia: "Let's talk about that for a really long time, okay? I love awkward situations more than anything. Or else I could lecture you on how 'bout you don't hold a grudge."
Martha: "How about you shut your old ass up and go sit to your blonde ho."
Alicia: "So I guess coffee's out."
Caitlin: "So, we're still doing great? No pressure?"
Alicia: "Remember how I told you this was not going to be a big deal? Well, turns out we're both on trial. I can't stand Martha being mean to me."
L/G
Diane: "Will, do you want some privacy for your phone sex with Alicia?"
Will: "Diane, you're like my favorite person. Please get off my jock about Alicia."
Diane: "This is not about your jock. This is about you dragging our entire firm down by getting into a pissing match with her husband. Who is coming after us with a machete."
Will, rolling his eyes luxuriously, snatches a document off Diane's desk: It is a partnership renewal agreement. Diane is like a Pat Benatar song sometimes.
Kalinda: "Will, let's review the facts about Wendy Scott-Carr coming after you."
Will: "Okay. So Cary and Dana are still in this, but Peter's out, right? Listen, what about if I 'made changes' here at the firm? Would they lay off?"
Kalinda: "If you stop sleeping with his wife? I doubt it. He rubbed this lamp and Wendy came out of it, all bright knives and shiny teeth."
Will: "Okay, what about that white supremacist all the kids are talking about these days?"
Kalinda: "I don't think we'll get dinged on that. Let me call Dana."
STATE'S ATTY
Cary and Dana are now flanking Wendy Scott-Carr, I guess because they finally figured out that Peter may be the Emperor, but Wendy is now officially Darth Vader.
Dana: "You want access to all kinds of things these days, huh? That's my sexy way of talking about doing it with each other. Listen, I want some 'access' too. I'll call you back later, in a sexy fashion."
Cary: "...Hey, was that Kalinda?"
In his office, Peter balks at the L/G investigation, presumably because he realizes it's already too messy, but nominally because WSC wants budget for a full year of investigation. Also, fun fact: Their names are Peter and Wendy. I keep meaning to mention that.
Peter: "I think maybe you have a case of the old Mission Creeps."
Wendy: "Peter, you rubbed that lamp because you didn't want to get personal, or at least that's what we're saying since admitting it was because you didn't want to get your hands dirty makes us all look like assholes. Remember? Or maybe it was because you didn't want to go easy on her. That's my task."
Peter, verbatim: "Yes, but your task is not to create a new task."
Wendy: "Corruption at L/G. That's my task."
Peter: "Cook County does not have money for this. End of discussion."
Wendy: "We need an independent investigator. Are either of you sleeping with one by proxy?"
Dana: "How about we get Andrew Wiley? Cary, you used to have conversations with his pet lion, no?"
Cary: "He's free-range and hard to control..."
Wendy, humble-bragging: "Kinda like me?"
Everybody: "Ugh."
ARBITRATION
John Michael Higgins, the gay guy on everything that doesn't age, seems to have a fondness for Martha right out the gate. Caitlin and Martha are obsequious, and he misquotes Shaw, and it's all very awkward. Turns out Deb Morgan is not even a lawyer, but a witness or something in the arbitration case, meaning that Martha is on her own while Caitlin has Alicia as backup. Making Martha both more vindicated and probably more pissed, too.
Anyway, Deb used to be an English Lit professor until she was replaced by the Provost, which she finds hinky.
Caitlin: "Why do you believe..."
Objection: Calls for speculation. Sustained.
Caitlin: "Um, why were you fired?"
Objection: Same deal. Come on, Caitlin.
Alicia: "Step by step. Just ask her what happened."
What Happened: Sexual harassment.
Martha: "Gosh, what happened there? I'm so sorry you were harassed."
Deb: "He tried to touch me and I pushed him away."
Martha: "In a bedroom? No? The staff lounge, with people around? How frightening."
Deb: "Everybody gets that shit from him."
Martha: "He's a massager of women, right? Known for that?"
Deb: "I guess so -- which is itself a problem -- but mostly it's the fact that I resisted him touching me, and then got fired the day."
The Provost is a creepster with a creepster beard that looks and talks like that Will Farrell character that was always in the hot tub with Rachel Dratch talking about "my lover" this and "my lover" that. Case closed, creepster.
Provost: "This is ridiculous! I am just a tactile person! I am accustomed to invading other people's space and touching their bodies! I have tenure, you see."
Martha: "You are a toucher of all genders, yes?"
Provost: "I always stop when they tell me to. And then I fire them."
Martha laughs about how silly it is to think the two things are connected, while the Provost talks about how much of a tool he'd have to be for firing somebody just because she reacted to him touching her body without consent. Alicia is not having it.
Alicia, verbatim: "You are making Scoffing and Chuckling Sounds!"
Martha: "I feel like Alicia's interruptions are throwing off Caitlin more than my various sounds."
Arbitrator: "Okay ladies! We don't want a catfight, do we?"
Oh shit. Sorry, Deb. This one just went to hell. (Luckily, you are a monumental douchebag, but we don't know that yet.)
Caitlin: "Why didn't you tell Deb that you were replacing her the day?"
Provost: "I thought telling her we were downsizing was better than saying it was because her students hated her. Think of it as one last boundary-violating caress."
Arbitrator: Sustains an even dumber objection.
Caitlin: "Okay, fine, when did get these evaluations of Deb exactly? Because it was three days after you fired her. So."
Provost: "They weren't evaluations per se. More like bitching."
Caitlin: "Like because she was a Republican?"
Turns out the $35k cap only applies to sexual harassment, but if this is a civil rights deal, then there's no cap at all. Which... That's fucking awful, though, isn't it? How are they not the same thing? Martha calls Louis Canning, which is a good enough reason for the music to rush crazily into the credits.
ELI & DIANE
Eli's being weird and staring at a vent when Diane comes to see him. Seems that there is a hairline crack in the insulation, and he has perfect pitch, and almost was a concert pianist, and I guess Eli is going insane now.
Diane: "My parents wanted me to be a Senator."
Eli: "Your parents grew you in a lab to be a Senator."
Diane: "What are you doing in this conference room being all weird?"
Eli: "I am lonely. Nobody wants me ever since Cheese."
Diane: "See, people have jobs sometimes where they work for a living instead of being in here whistling at the air conditioning system. Why don't you let us throw you some work? I mean, Will hates the shit out of you almost entirely because you pretend you're this island of awesomeness in the middle of our crap lives. Help David Lee with this Congresswoman's divorce and that's like three birds, right there."
Eli: "Ugh, Good Wife Part II."
Diane: "Just do this for me. I'm sick of defending you at cocktail parties."
ARBITRATION
Grace & Zach: "Let's leave a message for mom so she knows where we are. Then go get brutally murdered."
Louis: "Alicia, I missed you! I can't wait to destroy you, though."
Alicia: "I missed you too! How's that tardive dyskinesia? On an unrelated note, could you stand a little closer to the top of these stairs?"
Louis: "So how come you hated Martha?"
Alicia: "I wish that I could tell you the actual story there, so that it would get back to Martha, so she would stop hating me. But I can't, so I'll plead the full Alicia and say very little."
Louis: "Caitlin is so blonde. And so very David Lee's niece-like. It's a great day where I get to pull moral rank on you for once."
Alicia: "How about mine against yours. Two young ladies enter, one young lady leaves."
Louis: "Oh my God, just come work at my firm please. You're like my favorite."
Alicia: "Ugh."
Provost: "I certainly didn't pay attention to Deb's politics. She was the intolerant, argumentative one. Not because of her politics, just because she is a bitch."
Caitlin: "So, is it downsizing? Or the nonexistent evaluations? Or being disruptive?"
Provost: "All of them. I guess you're just so stupid. She is in the Tea Party and bitches about abortion and stuff. And me touching her without consent."
Caitlin: "So the other teachers complained too?"
Provost: "Not because of her stance but because she was disruptive."
Caitlin: "So probably plenty of professors are also wingnuts? No offense, Deb."
Provost: "I wouldn't know. We don't talk about things like ideas or politics at my university."
Just get to the part where this is the English department already. Alicia and Louis go running out and Alicia totally makes fun of his walk, and then runs down the stairs to get away with him/fuck with his head, and takes a picture of something in the lobby of the university building where this is all happening.
ELSEWHERE
I feel like Andrew Wiley's kid has aged an appropriate amount since the last time we saw him. His fashion sense, on the other hand, is blowing up, in a high-end turtleneck and deconstructed khaki blazer. He is not happy to see Cary, but Cary's kind of excited to see him.
Meanwhile, Eli wanders around L/G staring at lawyers like he's at the zoo. Attempting to be social, apparently. Oh, Eli. You do confound.
ARBITRATION
Caitlin continues going after him for Deb's politics, and Louis finally stands up and makes a hardcore speech about whether or not this is the stances or the disruptions. Alicia asks the arbitrator to hold over for more evidence, and Louis tells him how to do his job, and they reconvene until tomorrow, despite Louis's tardive dyskinesia.
Louis runs up to Alicia to beat the drum once again on how unfair it is that settlements are so high and that attorneys use inefficiency to bill their hours -- the usual stuff he hates -- but Caitlin realizes this is a clue to his objections: The damages. Find the right number and, presumably, avoid politicizing the whole thing, and Canning and Martha might cave.
BASKETBALL
Andrew Wiley approaches a fit-looking Will Gardner at the hoops and somehow they don't know each other. He tells Will immediately that he's freelancing for Wendy, and Will gets scared. They have a long talk while his daughter rides around them in a circle; it's disorienting.
Will: "This is not about the imagined things of these basketball games. It's about extracurricular stuff."
Wiley: "I just think it's funny how you keep winning cases all the time."
Will: "We are a very good firm. Do you not watch this show? It's always Kalinda in the fourth act. Or else Alicia thinks of something at the last second."
Wiley: "I'm just saying, that is kind of unrealistic."
Will: "You know what, go make a list of cases you think were won weirdly, and I will walk you through it."
Fairly friendly, all things considered.
L/G
Will: "Eli? Are you lost? Why are you in my office? You know I hate you, right?"
Eli: "I just wanted to see what it's like when you work. I'm trying to be nice. Get to know you. Stop being the island of awesome."
Will: "Aw, Jesus. Fine, sit down. Is this going to get weird?"
(He fixes Eli with a frozen, horrific Joker grin that ensures it will get weird.)
Will: "So you want me to share the wealth? Give you extra work, if I feel like it?"
Eli: "It sort of sounds ridiculous right now, with you making that gorilla rictus face."
Will: "Does it now."
Eli: "How do I... Make you like me? And give me things? It's like my one power, but then because you hate me so much it's like I freeze and can't even think of how to do it. And also, that face that you are making has me wanting to barf. How do I make you stop doing that?"
Will: "I am very mysterious. That is true, Eli. In these ways and in many other ways."
ARBITRATION
Alicia: "Okay, so you get them with how she can't get another job..."
(Kalinda enters, restricting her swag as much as possible in deference to Alicia hating her ass. Not enough, though.)
Alicia: "Did you fuckin' need something?"
Kalinda, speaking only to Caitlin: "It's a copy of an email..."
Caitlin: "Yay! Damages, Alicia."
Alicia: "I didn't know you were working on this case, or I would have thrown a fit."
Poor Innocent Caitlin: "I asked her, it was me! Did you know she's a really good investigator? And probably a very good friend."
Turns out our Provost emailed another school's Provost about how Deb is a giant homophobe and shouldn't ever work again -- and then that email showed up on a RateMyProfessor-type site for college administrators. Damages, son.
Louis objects because of the intent of the email wasn't to mess with her except at this one college, but Alicia points out that it was widely distributed and that whatever his intent, he's now responsible for her blacklisting. I feel like something's coming, though, because obviously this woman is an asshole. Louis wants to yell, Martha tries to shove him aside, but he overrides her. Martha now looks ten times more pissed than before, which is at least five times more pissed than a normal person should ever look. She is about to twist her shit all up, I can feel it.
Provost: "Um, she said homosexuals were disgusting and that it was a choice and some other mean things. It was bad stuff. The kind of stuff that apparently makes you want to rub a person's shoulders, I guess."
Louis: "So the deal is that this is hate speech. She should be fired, and somebody should tell everybody about it, so that's a good deal."
Deb: "All I said was that Santorum was right when he compared homosexuality to incest and bestiality. Nothing hateful!"
Alicia: "You're a Christian, right?"
Deb: "Apparently."
GOLD & GARDNER
Will: "Why wouldn't you be my friend when you first came in here? You were high and mighty just like Diane says! You don't play along."
Eli: "Fine. I will do reindeer games and whatever dumb firm shit. ."
Will: "Why is Peter investigating me?"
Eli: "WHAT?"
Will: "So it's not political?"
Eli: "Ask Alicia, I guess?"
Will: "It's none of her business."
Eli: "Kind of it is, though. Right? That her husband would have a problem with you? I'm not an idiot. What is the pretend reason for the investigation?"
Will: "Corruption. Giving Wendy Scott-Carr breast cancer. Imaginary lesbian sex. Basketball. So many things."
Eli: "I guess since I'm part of this firm, I have to be on your side with this. So I'll see what I can find out for you."
Will: "Ironic. And awesome."
So that's two things: Eli's on his side, and Diane's making it about their partnership. Oh, and Kalinda's going to confirm if Will has the option of breaking up with Alicia right this second. Thing three. I think that they are going to break up at the end of this episode, that's what I think.
HOME
Alicia: "Grace, have you heard of this thing the Bible?"
Grace: "Have I."
Alicia: "What does it say about homosexuality?"
Grace: "Nothing, in the way that we understand it. I mean, it was written thousands and thousands of years ago. They were cool with slavery and rape back then, it's not much like our social reality. But here's some rote Leviticus nonsense about how sleeping with guys is just like eating lobster."
Alicia: "Do you really believe this cheap shit? What about Uncle Owen? What about Finn, for God's sake? How can you be against Finn?"
Give it up, Jacob. He's not coming back.
Grace: "It's not those particular homosexuals I'm worried about, actually. In fact, it's possible to be a Christian and not hate anybody, just like the majority of thinking Christians keep saying. I'm still working it out, but I think it might have something to do with how my personal relationship with God is more important than literally enacting each word -- subject to my own whim, of course -- in a hugely flawed translation of a science fiction anthology from an alien culture as though it were concrete truth."
Alicia: "I just hoped that you were entering the autistic YouTube culture and were going to quit with the Jesus all the time."
Grace: "In order to be the most annoying person alive, I plan to do both."
Grace: "What are you so worried about these days? Zach is a good driver."
Alicia: "It's these dreams I keep... No, you know what. I have a foreboding."
Grace: "Is it about Will Gardner?"
Alicia, bursting into tears: "This year has been FUCKED UP. It's like no matter what I do, this show is happening TO me and I never actually DO anything, just get screwed."
Grace: "Perhaps you should simplify some things."
I mean, the fact that she would break down in front of Grace, of all people, just over this dumb accusation from Jackie last time and the weird atmosphere at L/G and the stress of lying to people -- which they're not even doing, but you know Alicia, she would totally think they were -- and Donnie Pike and this arbitration making her feel weird because Martha was hers, should have been hers, but David Lee yelled and made her take Caitlin, which means the existence of Martha is an indictment of her character but the fact that she went to Canning, at a pay cut, makes it ten times worse, because Canning is himself ten times worse. All of those things. So many Things!
LESBIAN DINER
Dana: "Do you know Andrew Wiley?"
Kalinda: "He ruined my only meaningful relationship on this cold hell we call Earth, so yeah. You could say that."
Dana: "He thinks L/G buys wins."
Kalinda: "That's dumb. What else."
Dana: "Have you ever fucked Cary?"
Kalinda: "You ... talk a lot about sex. Like a lot."
Dana, licking her chops: "Sex is interesting! Cary talks about you during sex."
Kalinda: "That's two things I didn't know."
Dana, molesting a coffee mug: "You want to know what he says?"
Kalinda: "I think you want to tell me."
Dana, licking the diner booth: "I could 'go' either 'way.'"
Kalinda: "Yeah, I know. You flirt with everybody, all the time."
Dana, peeking out from between her legs: "We both do that. That's a thing we share."
Kalinda: "Actually it's not. I have never flirted with anybody I wouldn't sleep with. That's what makes Cary's constant discomfort so ridiculous and cowardly. And sad."
Dana: (Stares a smoking hole in Kalinda's jacket. Luckily, she already knows where to buy a replacement.)
In other news, I think I am a lesbian now.
ARBITRATION
In some weird Hail Mary -- so to speak -- Alicia reads that Leviticus passage aloud again, and Deb testifies that she's merely part of a minority religious cult that thinks the Bible is literally true -- i.e., the people that equally literal-minded atheists think they're talking about, when they talk about religion -- and that "homophobia" is a slur that has nothing to do with her horrible, awful, stupid, shameful beliefs.
Louis: "So but then the part is, that you should kill gay dudes, right? In the Bible?"
Deb: "Oh, well see, that part doesn't count. For some reason."
Louis: "Wait, what?"
Deb: "No, because Jesus told us we don't have to follow the rules except when we decide to, or something."
Alicia: "I feel like Louis is trying to resolve basic 'religious' issues that stupid literal-minded people have been fighting about for centuries."
Arbitrator: "Yeah. The only real question is whether the Provost knew that she was being pseudo-religious with her hate speech, or if it was just regular bigotry and bullshit."
Alicia: "How's it going, Louis?"
Louis: "Fine, let's make a deal."
Alicia: "My day is going so great!"
(Grace: "I am going to get abducted and brutally murdered in five, four, three...")
MY DINNER WITH CANNING
Alicia and Louis raise a glass of wine in a nearly empty restaurant and talk about how Deb's been blacklisted; once again Louis brings up how she will eventually move to his firm. He has kids, and Diane and Will don't, so by not working for him, she is being a bad mom. On the other hand, Louis is a bad person because of his shitty clients.
Louis: "Oh right, the 1%. Like my millionaires that do philanthropy or something. Not like your white supremacist."
Alicia: "Gross. We don't represent Donnie Pike."
Louis: "No, just Colin Sweeney. Your phone's blinking."
Turns out Grace called her twelve times between like 3:30 and 4:00, and now isn't picking up.
VM: (Grace whimpering or not; shoving sounds or not; car sounds or not.)
Louis: "We okay? Something going on?"
Alicia: "Zach, where's Grace?"
Zach: "At home. I'm at L/G working on your computer some more, because apparently that's what I do all day every day after school. Grace probably just butt-dialed you."
Alicia: "You kids and your words! Just kidding, I am flipping out."
Louis drives her to the school, because nobody's answering at home. Alicia manages to panic Zach with a couple more calls, and Kalinda finally Spidey-Senses him flipping out across the office, and gets instantly Kalinda on that shit, with like GPS and whatever magic things she can do.
SCHOOL
Some Girl, Like Grace Has Friends: "I don't want to rat her out."
Alicia: "No, like I think she might actually be in trouble."
Girl, once Louis jumps in to help: "She got in a car with a man. He walked her over there. Kind of tall. Couldn't tell if they knew each other."
Alicia: "Peter, I am fucking freaking out. She called me twelve times."
Peter: "Cary, get me the Chief of Police!"
Alicia: "You know we're involved with the Donnie Pike thing..."
Peter: "Alicia, this is not that."
Alicia, losing it: "How do you know? How do you know that?"
Peter: "Let me talk to that girl."
Alicia prays to nobody. Did you cry? I cried a little bit. At least one Emmy says you cry at this point.
L/G
Kalinda: "Okay, her phone died on the south side of Chicago, not a great sign. Does she do a bunch of drugs or anything? Tell me the truth."
Zach: "For real, she is super boring."
Kalinda runs out, patting him on the shoulder, and runs into Will, who instantly calls Alicia, who ignores the call against her wishes and asks to go home to check for Post-Its. This episode is really good, like, "addendum" good. I might need a little break here in a minute, just to chill out.
EVERYWHERE
Peter: "The entire resources of our entire county are now at my disposal."
Wendy, inwardly: "Surely that's a problem."
Kalinda's talking to the girl at school when about a hundred cop cars appear.
Back home, there's no Post-It.
Kalinda busts it to the South Side with her handy laptop, while at home Alicia looks at picture of herself with her daughter and remembers when she wasn't dead. Peter comes over, and of course Alicia hopes that it's Grace at the door, but it's not. They embrace and he says all kinds of Peter Denial things like always. What she needs.
SOUTHSIDE
Kalinda spots a church and, knowing what a Jesus Freak Grace is, heads in that direction...
Where stupid Grace is getting baptized by Internet Jesus.
GRACE FLORRICK, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY THE WORST
Things that would piss me off less than this, if Grace were my daughter:
If she actually had been abducted or was the witness to a robbery
If she were secretly dating Colin Sweeney
If she'd stowed away on a train to find Finn and bring him home
If she were doing crack and/or freestyle "dancing" on the internet
If she and Weird Tutor had joined an underground arena fight club
If she were an undercover employee of Wendy Scott-Carr
If she were secretly a white supremacist, doing hits for Donnie Pike
HOME
Alicia seethes and looks at her sexy Will underwear and feels bad about life, tossing it into a wastebasket with intensity.
Alicia: "Argh! Sleeping with Will has somehow killed my child! Why did Peter have to do such a good job of being my husband today? Like I didn't have enough on my plate with God all the time."
Or maybe she has been notified that Grace is not yet dead. I'm not sure. I just know that Alicia Florrick has had it, in a particularly characteristic inward-turning way where it's not one thing, it's everything. Caitlins and Marthas, Lockharts and Gardners, good wives and bad husbands, and two dead girls, and Leviticus, and Grace.
ELEVATOR
Grace: "Is she going to be angry?"
Kalinda: "I have bigger problems than that right now. Like me showing up at Alicia's house uninvited, with her second-string kid in tow."
Grace: "I didn't even call her twelve times. I butt-dialed her. From Jesus's car. Throwing the entirety of Cook County into martial law for no reason."
Kalinda: "That is so effing Grace."
I love how this show knows itself and us so well that this whole thing is embarrassingly realistic. This would totally happen! This is like the realest thing. I almost feel sorry for Grace. She's like the Sue Heck.
Grace: "Aren't you coming in?"
Kalinda: "Uh, no. You've caused enough problems today already."
Grace: "Do you want me to tell her you were the one that found me?"
Kalinda 101: "Um. The amount that I want to say Yes is making me say No."
Grace goes inside, and there is a three-way hug with the parents, so that when Will finally locates Alicia, that's the eyeful that he gets. Oh, man.
BAR OF ALICIA'S CASTOFFS
Will: "So, I totally caught Alicia hugging her husband. I feel crazy everywhere inside of myself."
Kalinda: "Do you know what you want from life?"
Will: "I don't know, like kids or something. Some kind of commitment maybe?"
Kalinda: "What does Alicia want, do you know that?"
Will: "I think it's safe to say I have no idea. I guess I could ask."
But I guarantee you won't get the chance. Because what this episode was about is all the Things. Large and small things, joyful and sorrowful things. Will and Peter, Caitlin and Martha, Andrew and Louis, Kalinda's broken heart, Leviticus and Grace. And what you're talking about, Will, is not enough Things.
He was always adrift and she was always anchored, it was what they wanted in each other. But now she's keeping him adrift, on purpose at arm's length, and he's making her feel anchored, him among the million Things, and this -- a painful mess, an accumulation of stories all talking at the same time -- is a thing they are doing to each other.
Our things or lack of things don't balance each other out, they accrete. You have to find somebody at least as busy as you, or else your time flows at different rates. I learned this one the hard way this year: If you are moving quickly and the other person is in a rut, you will make each other miserable, and at least one of you will never understand why. And that's what their lives are telling them, that's what wakes her up at night, and that's why Will needs to find his own Things, and Alicia needs to lose some Things of her own.
ARBITRATION
Louis passes out an email that Deb sent to her sister, which includes a thing about how she knew she was going to get canned for starting shit... And how she can't tell anybody she's this big Christian, or it'll get worse. So that means it wasn't a civil liberties thing, because she hid her beliefs, so the Provost couldn't possibly... I mean, I guess? Except it walked and talked and spewed hate like a duck, so would that really be a jump?
Do a lot of ambivalent Christians or agnostics go around quoting Leviticus and comparing homosexuality to incest and defending -- I mean please -- defending Rick Santorum? In their English Lit classes? I mean, I see the point Louis is making, but I would say that if Deb were hiding her light under a bushel in this way, um, she was doing a piss-poor job of it. These are college-educated people here. They can spot one.
Alicia: "So while my daughter was getting abducted, you went through my bag and stole that email?"
Louis: "No way! I would never do that."
Alicia: "Wait, then how did you get it?"
Louis: "After we made sure she was safe. Hey, wanna come work for my firm? It'll make you a better parent."
Alicia: "You are literally the grossest little worm."
Martha: "...Wait, that was my whole storyline? Fucking Grace Florrick."
Caitlin: "You said it, sister."
L/G
Will moves from awesome couch to awesome club chair to wherever in his office, nervous and twitchy and ready to have some kind of damned conversation while wearing the widest necktie in all of Dadlandia.
Alicia, tearing up: "Will. We gotta break up. I'm sorry. Do you understand how much shit I've got going on, any given day?"
They embrace. And then they are all broken up, and they will miss each other, and he is in love with her. And across the way, Diane can tell that they're breaking up. I wonder if she knows whose decision it was? Alicia's the one that walks out crying, and tries to get to her office without falling out. I mean, I like that it was hers. I feel like Will probably does too. Of the options. Because Diane was one of his Things, and today's the day they renew their partnership:
Diane brings him a drink and congratulates him on doing the right thing. "She'll get over it," she says. And he doesn't correct her, he just takes a drink. One less Thing. She'll get over it just fine.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.