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The case: Two young guys covered by diplomatic immunity are charged with the rape and murder of a college student found at the end of a booze cruise. One of them is Taiwanese, which is the only country not covered by the usual because of how China is super creepy; the other one turns out not to be taking a full load, and also could be charged. The Taiwanese kid did it, the Dutch kid helped cover it up, and Cary eventually arrests the Taiwanese kid free and clear after a tense phone conversation where Alicia tips him off by not saying what she's not saying she's saying, etc., and none of this matters anyway because the case is even more beside the point than usual.
What it spins, though: In order to negotiate the "thicket" of our gross relationship with China and their even grosser relationship with Taiwan -- and thus protect their gross client -- Diane gets Eli to call his ex-wife Vanessa (Parker Posey), who works for the State department. In return, she asks Eli to vet her for a state senatorship. Kalinda does her Kalinda stuff for him, and uncovers the fact that -- during their marriage, of course -- Parker slept with a lesser Bin Laden. So yeah, her run is out. Mostly it's about how fun you find it to watch Alan Cumming and Parker Posey act at each other -- depending entirely on if you like them and/or it is still the mid-'90s, which I do, and I guess it still is -- so it worked. I may hate Generation X but I reserve the right to absolutely love those two ladies, and I do.
(Although bonus awfulness points for absolutely the creepiest image of Alan Cumming's leprechaun semen and a Bin Laden cousin's regular semen mixing together in the psychodrama bain-marie of Parker Posey's very talented carnival vagina, which: Deal with that for one second. Somebody wrote that down on a piece of paper and then Alan Cumming said it and then Parker Posey on camera tried to explain to him -- to Alan Cumming, okay, who is like the Ron Jeremy of the enchanted sex forest, Alan Cumming who can't even introduce a PBS Mystery! without making you feel like you're being willingly prostituted to twinkling gnomes, that merry wanderer of the night Alan Cumming -- how semen works and how, like, vaginas work. And we watched this happen on TV.)
On Alicia's side, it gets her the opportunity to shepherd Caitlin (last name "Darcy," because how cute is that) through her first case, which also happens to be like the first guilty client or case L/G ever lost in the history of America. Zach shows up to deal with Alicia's computer, because Alicia is a Mom that Doesn't Understand Technology, so he gets to meet Will -- just as Celeste foretold -- and Will acts like a doofus of the highest order. He's embarrassed, but Alicia's just creeped out by the streams crossing, making it even sadder when Will pretty much begs to meet her kids because he's in love with her, and she boxes him out like Muhammad Ali from even thinking that's a possibility. Of greater importance in the episode is the fact that Alicia, of course, likes the new kid Caitlin way more than she wants to. (As does Will, it seems.)
Of all things, it's the Cary Agos of it all that gets pride of place this week: While Matan enjoys himself by busting Cary farther and farther down the official totem pole until he's working out of a broom closet with only his red Swingline for company, and weirdly telling Cary's new gal (Dana, a soon-to-be-ex ASA) about his romantic ethnic preferences and whatever other bullshit he can pull, by the end of the episode Peter's randomly promoted Cary to Deputy State's Attorney, with the biggest office you ever did see. (Making Chris Noth even more of a "special" guest star, I guess, in weeks to come, since that's basically about making Cary the adversary every week.)
I don't know. The episode felt about five minutes long and was mostly about Alicia making weird faces, which is fine, and all the left-field Cary emphasis was pretty interesting. But even for this show, the case was shallow and the twists and turns weren't that mind-blowing. Grace is still super weird -- but no tutor stuff, thank God -- Zach wants Alicia to start dating I think, Will is getting steamrolled by Alicia's denial, Kalinda was barely present (with which bullshit I'm about done, frankly), Eli is still just yelling all the time for no real reason, and I have even less idea of where this season is going than last week. In the end, everything settled into an agreeable place, the new kid has designs on Will (and knows about their affair?), and Cary's got a brand new bag. Those are all good things.
week: I think Alicia might be a terrorist or something. It's all very political.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!STATE'S ATTY
Lady: "I brought you to dinner to tell you I am quitting the State's Attorney's office to go into defense."
Cary: "Are you that FBI lady that was going to be in a love triangle with me and Kalinda?"
Lady: "No, I am not."
Cary: "Are you the US Attorney's watchdog that follows me around?"
Lady: "No."
Cary: "I give up. Who are you?"
Lady: "I am your old friend Dana."
Cary: "Right, Dana! It's hard to follow what's going on with our office when people constantly appear and disappear and reappear and Peter Florrick's constantly making decrees that nobody ever follows up on."
Dana: "I don't much care either."
Cary: "So Dana, are we going to have sex before you're done with your job?"
Dana: "I have a boyfriend."
Cary: "So do I. It is Matan, he is very mean to me."
Dana: "That's very interesting. Here are some files of work."
Cary: "Hang on, we have to go to a crime."
HOME
Zach: "It's called the cloud. It's a simple way of doing work from home and sharing it on a server that you can access from work."
Alicia: "I don't understand technology."
Zach: "This show barely understands technology, so it's okay."
Grace: "Mom, when we go to Dad's what do you do with yourself? I bet you stand or sit and stare into space until we come back, like a robot."
Alicia: "Sure, let's go with that."
Zach: "Maybe you should date men. You know, outside your marriage."
Alicia: "This is making me uncomfortable. Oh look, a phone call from Will."
Zach: "Speak of the devil."
Alicia: "Tell me I have to go to a crime."
Will: "Our whole law firm of lawyers was busy, so we sent that new first-year, Caitlin. The one that you have every reason to hate because of David Lee yelling at you that time. I'm starting to think maybe you should go see how that's going."
BOOZE CRUISE CRIME SCENE
Dana: "A Booze Cruise is pretty self-explanatory. Let me explain it to you in detail anyway, because most of the people that watch this show grew up in Prohibition."
Cary: "You've been on a Booze Cruise?"
Dana: "I have been on all kinds of cruises. And boozes."
Young Maya Nichols got found dead in the bottom of a boat, with only one (CLUE) of her two seasickness bands on her wrists. Apparently she was being harassed by college kids before she was killed. And what I say is, them as pinched it done her in. The suspects that maybe raped and killed her are both diplomatically immune from prosecution. Some Dutch bureaucrat is very excited about making sure the Dutch kid doesn't get a suspect rape exam; our L/G client this week is the other one, Chen Jin-Pyn, and the Chinese ambassador hasn't arrived yet to start yelling.
Caitlin: "Please, Mr. Agos, can you walk me through how to do basic things? I am just a first-year associate who wants to learn."
Cary: "Watch me yell at these diplomats. I'm really just stalling for time."
(Posturing. The boys are brought in for investigation.)
Dutch: "I just said you can't do that!"
Cary: "There is no limit to how much posturing I am willing to do."
Caitlin: (Continues to take notes.)
SUSPECT RAPE EXAM
Alicia: "Caitlin, what have you done now? Did you kill young Maya Nichols on this Booze Cruise?"
Caitlin: "No. I was just watching Cary Agos ignore the international rights of these young people, including our client, without really doing anything about it."
Alicia: "Chen, are you okay with me watching your suspect rape exam?"
Chen: "Officially, yes. Please do come in. I have zero personality and this case barely matters anyway."
Alicia: "Okay, but just stop talking, all right?"
Chen: "No way! Miranda rights are so last year."
CLUE: A two-inch blonde hair stuck in the dead girl's earring.
Judge Winter: "Too bad how they killed that girl, but you know how diplomatic immunity works, right?"
Cary: "For the purposes of this episode, I guess not."
Twist: Chen is Taiwanese, and China is an asshole.
Alicia & Cary: "The One China rule is I guess a thicket or gray area with regard to this particular kind of rape-murder deal."
Judge Winter: "International politics are like that sometimes."
STATE'S ATTY & L/G
More Facts: There is no semen, there are no pubes, there is no blood spatter, but it seems like somebody was about to rape her before they killed her instead. They both flirted with Maya Nichols, these two youths, but then according to Chen they all made out, or both made out with her I guess, in a consensual way, and then when Chen went to go buy Maya a drink, Anders took her below deck. So maybe the credit card receipt will put Chen at the other end of the boat, and that will mean that nobody killed her.
Eli Gold gets a random round of applause just for being him, over at L/G, while the various people at the State's Attorney's office bitch at each other. Eli is mystified by their applause, but Diane gets him alone and says that that was really just a transparent way of stroking his ego so that he will go to his friends at the State Department and see about getting Chen diplomatic protection. He is very scared of what he will have to do, but willing to create future lobbying ties with Taiwan, because he is always working.
Turns out that Caitlin was retroactively present at that mock trial the time Will screwed that princess or whatever she was. The one that kept buying him gem-encrusted hi-tops and ponies with jewels in their hair. So they kind of know each other.
Alicia: "Don't talk to named partners. Don't look them in the eye. Stop flirting with my boyfriend. You are already kind of a sore subject."
Caitlin: "Please, Mrs. Florrick, I am just a first-year associate looking to learn."
Alicia: "It's okay, I trust you. Fill out these forms."
ALICIA'S OFFICE
Mean IT Nerds are always so mean! Insecurity becomes arrogance which takes the form of anger because the insecurity is about everything else in the world besides this one thing they are good at, which then becomes rage because they have to say everything at top volume due to never feeling heard, so they belittle you about this one thing because they feel like you are belittling them about all the other things that there are, just by existing, when really the truth is that they are simply irrelevant, because they're so mean all the time, and because they're only good at this one thing.
Look upon your future and weep, Grace Florrick.
Alicia: "Why are you being so mean to me in my own office?"
Mean IT Nerd: "Because I am sexually frustrated! DIAF!"
Alicia: "Could you get out of my office?"
Mean IT Nerd: "You don't know what the cloud is! And now you have wrecked your computer! BSOD!"
Alicia: "Zach, please come to Mommy's office and fix her computer. The IT guy is being really mean again for no real reason."
THE LAKEFRONT
Eli: "Parker Posey, you are my ex-wife Vanessa."
Vanessa: "Eli, you are the gnome that tricked me into marrying you just for spinning all that straw into gold that time for me. We have a daughter."
Eli: "Will you please make China stop being mean to this kid rapist, Chen?"
Vanessa: "Yes. In return, you will go with me to meet a man named Kim Kesler who thinks that I can be a state Senator one day. I want you to meet him and see what a jackass he is, so that you will be my campaign chief. We will fight all day long."
Eli: "Sometimes I think we are still very much in love."
Vanessa: "Don't touch my track suit right now, Eli. I have to go back to jogging now."
Eli: "Good thing I stalked you to your jogging so that you could do this elaborate scheme on me without me knowing it! I wonder what would have happened if those boys hadn't murdered that girl and we never had this conversation."
L/G
Alicia: "Caitlin, I don't have time to talk about legal matters with you. I am too busy being annoyed about basic computer things that anybody would understand."
Caitlin: "Further to that ridiculous issue you're having with technology -- turn your computer off and then on again, idiot -- let me tell you about how sometimes when a person dies their creepy friends make a creepy Facebook for their corpse so that they can share stories and photos. It's like a wake, but you can do it while you're in the john."
Alicia: "You kids and your Facebook all the time."
Caitlin: "Anyway, some classy motherfucker has put up pictures from the Booze Cruise where she was murdered. Now I have to tell you another thing about how there are different kinds of parties for different kinds of whatever, it's really stupid. Point being, the color of her cup changed throughout the night, which means she broke up with her boyfriend mid-Cruise."
SWIM PRACTICE
Kalinda: "It has come to my attention that Maya's beer cup changed color at the party. Was she an expert in close-up magic, or did you break up with her? And then almost rape or totally murder her?"
Cute Ex-Boyfriend: "No, she broke up with me on the phone during the party because I like to hang out with sushi waitresses who are single moms."
Kalinda: "...I don't understand what you just said, but okay. Do you have any screaming voicemails?"
CEB: "I am still talking about myself, because that's how young people always are."
Kalinda: "I said do you have any screaming breakup voicemails? Or maybe a voicemail where she interrupts herself breaking up with you to get raped and murdered?"
CEB: "Now that you mention it..."
STATE'S ATTY
Cary: "Here's a voicemail where she tells a guy to stop touching her, and it's Chen. You can tell by his voice. So I guess it was not a consensual makeout after all."
Matan: "Cary, Peter has delegated some things to me and now I am moving you into a broom closet just to throw my weight around."
ALICIA'S OFFICE
Zach: "Oh, my mom's just downstairs..."
Will: "You're Zach, right? I'm Will Gardner, your mom's boss."
Zach: "Who cares."
Will: "So, no school today, huh?"
Zach: "It's 4 PM. I came here from school. Do you know how school works?"
Will, verbatim: "Helping Mom out, eh? Well, keep on keepin' on?"
Outside, Will thinks about killing himself for acting so dorky, and it's great.
STATE'S ATTY
Matan: "You should know something about your friend Cary. He has a thing for ethnic women. It's pretty obvious. Every black or Hispanic woman through here."
Dana: "Wow, I guess that makes him an asshole and you just a regular guy."
ALICIA'S OFFICE
Sample Dialogue: "The IT guy put on proprietary software, so he could charge your firm for every megabyte he stored. That's why it rejected the transferring of your files. It's really corrupt. You don't need to be paying to store files. In fact, it slows the system down."
Et Cetera.
Alicia: "You are a genius!"
Zach: "Thanks. Oh, your boss was in here. Will?"
Alicia: (TILT.)
Zach: "...All right, I better go. Love you."
Alicia: "Whew, that was a close one. Good thing he suspects nothing!"
Zach: "...Oh, and Mom? I'd like a car."
KIM KESLER FROM KALIFORNIA
Sample Dialogue: "It's like Moneyball. Politics doesn't have to be for the rich. It's the true democratization of power in this country. You have citizen engagement on one hand. Megatrend, right? I mean, everybody's talking about it. Mark Penn, so on, and I'm not even talking about RTR. (laughs) I mean, talk about real Moneyball. They hit Vanessa and BAM! We hit back. BAM! We hit back! Micro-pockets of committed citizen online journalist bloggers, each talking from a subset of their own communities. Let's say we have upstate agricultural sections, right? We also have the urban cities, right? BAM!"
Eli and Vanessa have a right old laugh about poor Kim Kesler from California, the human social-networking Twitter feed, and then Vanessa is like, "Surprise, this was all an elaborate trick. I want to make you Baseball Commissioner."
Eli: "But how did this happen? Did you rape and murder that girl so that Diane would come to me about Taiwan and I would find you jogging and now your plan is complete and I will vet you for the senatorship?"
Vanessa: "Look, just vet me. Send Kalinda to find out something horrible about me, and then we will fight about semen for a million years, it will be so gross and hilarious."
Eli: "Done."
Oh, and now the State Department is pushing for Chen's release because they don't want to hurt Taiwan's feelings or make them feel like their diplomats are less worthy of raping people consequence-free. Remember, the case that this episode is supposedly about? Well, that's what is going on with that case.
STATE'S ATTY STEAM PIPE TRUNK DISTRIBUTION VENUE
Matan opens up a door in the wall of the broom closet that comes up to your shin, and forces Cary to crawl through it into an even smaller broom closet. His new office.
DANA HAS RELATIVES
Dana's Uncle Dan works for the State Department, so she takes Cary to a speech site to discuss with him her single status, Dan's admiration for Peter, and the One China Rule. Outside, she asks him if he's into ethnic chicks, and he's like, "I never really thought about it before, that's so interesting" because of white privilege, and then they do it.
Will we ever see her again? You tell me. This show has not been great this season about tying up these kind of loose ends. I think maybe they're going for a realistic sort of slice of life thing, but it's hard to invest in a serial narrative when you're getting new people every time.
GOLD & SHARMA
Eli Gold: "I want you to vet my ex-wife."
Kalinda: "That sounds like a terrible idea. I am in."
HEARING
Team L/G: "Chen, we have the backing of the US State Department."
Team Cary: "Everybody, we also have the backing of the US State Department."
US State Department: "Actually Dana's uncle is more powerful than Eli's ex-wife. Taiwan's feelings be damned because we're more worried that China will be angry if we are nice to them, and I don't know if you know this but China is scary as shit."
DISCOVERY
There was no Chen hair on the body of young Maya Nichols, but they did find that one male hair that seems like it would belong to Dick Anders, the Dutch kid. So now the question is, can we somehow get ahold of his hairs? Chen knows the combo to his gym locker at school, so that's helpful, because it's where he keeps his hairs.
Kalinda: "Look deep into my eyes and let me into the men's locker room."
Dude: "Youuuu gotttt ittt."
MOMENTS LATER
Kalinda: "In an even more absurd turn of events, the other seasickness band was in Dick Anders's locker, like some grisly Booze Cruise murder trophy."
Cary: "That doesn't make as much sense as things usually do on this show. Also, how did you find that?"
Kalinda: "I am magic. I left it there, you can check for yourself."
Meanwhile, Matan opens a trapdoor in the floor of the broom-closet-closet, revealing a pile of bones and damp ruled over by the King of Rats In Exile and his lunatic fringe of supporters: Cary's third new office this episode.
VANESSA'S OFFICE
Kalinda: "So, you were married to Eli?"
Vanessa: "Four happy years, eight medium ones, and two bad ones. I hope that doesn't preclude me from running."
Kalinda: "I don't care about anything. Stop thinking I'm trying to judge you. Why did you divorce?"
Vanessa: "I think that was in the divorce settlement..."
Kalinda: "No, it just said Irreconcilable Differences."
Vanessa: "Indeed. We had differences, and we just could not reconcile them."
Kalinda: "Mrs. Ex-Gold, please stop dicking around."
Vanessa: "Fine. I was traveling a lot."
Kalinda: "Yeah, like to Dubai."
Vanessa: "Sure, for example."
Kalinda: "I am Kalinda."
Vanessa goes abruptly apeshit in a very Parker Posey way about how Eli is trying to use Kalinda to get at her soul or something, it's really weird, and you realize that Vanessa was sleeping with a man named Omar Tate while they were married, but that doesn't seem like a bad enough thing for Vanessa to be shitting bricks like this. I feel another Baseball Commissioner curveball coming. Anyway, she just begs Kalinda not to tell him about this, like one million times, but you know Kalinda's like, "I will tell him whatever I want. Begging me like this just makes you look weak."
NICHOLS CASE
Sample Dialogue: "We were both worried about getting disconnected at parties, so we always kept track. You know, with that app? The Rape app? Have you heard of it? See, the GPS shows you where your friend is. There's a panic button, but that's what sucks! The phone vibrated when Maya pushed it, but the music was so loud, and I was dancing, so I didn't feel it.
So then she was murdered. Thanks, Rape App. Thanks, technology. But on the up, it has a record of when Maya pushed the panic button, which is the same time that Chen was buying her a pre-rape mojito according to his credit card.
Meanwhile, down in his hole for rats, Cary has the same conversation about the Rape App and everybody says "Rape App" like one million times and then Dana comes in and Cary says "Rape App" to her a bunch of times and it's just rape app this, rape app that, and then Cary notices maybe the stupidest clue ever seen on this show, which is that Chen signed for his rape mojito first-name-first and not surname first, like a Taiwanese person always signs credit cards.
This whole episode is like the Encyclopedia Brown version of this show, where it all hinges on some not-that-obscure factoid and nobody really cares anyway.
Speaking of, did you know that diplomatic immunity only extends to their adult children if they are full-time students? I didn't know that, and apparently nobody else did either, but Cary did some digging and realized that Dick Anders dropped his Anthropology class and thus isn't taking a full-load, meaning he's back in trouble for the murder, and Cary figures he's the one that signed for the drink under his friend's tab, meaning that Chen really was in two places at the same time, just with his names in a different order.
KAL-EL
Kalinda: "I would like to tell you the bare minimum."
Eli: "Okay, should she run or not?"
Kalinda: "Absolutely not. And I guess that's the bare minimum, so goodbye."
Eli: "Wait, come on. What else? She raised money for Blagojevich? Old news. She's dated around? But not like to a slut level."
Kalinda: "I don't like that you said that, but no."
Eli: "Then what's the problem?"
Kalinda: "Okay, you forced it out of me. She was fucking Osama Bin Laden's second cousin while you were married."
Eli: "This show is full-on ludicrous sometimes."
NICHOLS CASE
So now with the mojito receipt, and Anders back on the hook, and Taiwan sacrificed once again on the altar of China's almighty dollar, we're looking at a quick plea to twenty years. Alicia stalls Cary but not that hard, because they are hanging out around Chen's house. Alicia and Caitlin witness Chen fleeing like a bat out of hell, and before Caitlin can get him on the phone, Cary calls back to yell at her about Chen breaking house arrest.
Alicia stalls Cary and does some driving moves and follows Chen, exhilarating Caitlin, and Cary keeps yelling at her about her legal obligations to report him fleeing the jurisdiction, and she does the professional defense attorney thing, measuring her words out with teaspoons, until -- perhaps spurred by the presence of Caitlin, as a naïve first-year associate -- she suddenly and very carefully pulls over to the side of the road, having changed her mind.
Alicia: "I couldn't reach him. I have not spoken to my client. All I can say for certain is that I witnessed an Audi, with a driver resembling my client, headed westbound on 90."
Cary, jumping up: "He's going to O'Hare!"
Alicia: "Again, I do not know that for certain."
Caitlin: "I kind of thought he was innocent."
Alicia: "Yeah, it's because he doesn't have a personality. You'll find that frequently we never know for sure. It's not really relevant to our job, but we complain about that all the time anyway."
Caitlin: "Well, that's depressing."
Alicia: "On the upshot, we never lose any cases. I'm a genius and Kalinda is magic."
GOLD
Vanessa, shivery like a junkie now: "So what did she tell you, did she tell you? And if so, what."
Eli: "HOW COULD YOU? Fundraise for Rod Blagojevich, I mean."
Vanessa: "Whew! I thought you were going to yell at me about having Osama Bin Laden's baby or something. Yeah, Blagojevich is still a very relevant punchline."
Eli: "JUST KIDDING! How could you cheat on me with that guy?"
Vanessa: "That was a very false sense of comfort you just gave me for a minute."
Sample Dialogue #1: "The thought that my semen mixed with bin Laden..."
Sample Dialogue #2: "Come on, Eli, you know how this works. The semen doesn't just stay in us."
What? Who has this conversation? How does this conversation happen? Why are we thinking about this? What is with the semen-mixing? Is this some kind of Isaac and Ishmael thing where it's symbolic on an immediate level I don't get? So confusing. Anyway, they have a big boring fight about their big boring marriage that didn't exist until this episode, and there is a shitload of acting that happens, and then she leaves, the end. This episode makes zero sense to me.
L/G
Will: "What do you think of Caitlin?"
Alicia: "I like her. I don't wanna like her, but I like her. So I heard you met Zach, and that makes me nervous."
Will: "I really sort of pissed my pants on that one. I don't know what I was thinking, I just dorked right out."
Alicia: "He didn't seem too scornful. He's a pretty great kid."
Will: "Would you like, want me to really meet them?"
Alicia: "What? No."
Will: "I'm not sure you understand, I mean formally meet them, make a good impression."
Alicia: "I am fully aware, Will, of what you are saying. And the answer is no. Not just no, but like, Fuck no."
Will: "I feel like I should clarify, what I'm asking for is to be a larger part of your life, because I'm really lonely and I've been in love with you for a long time, and now you're finally this close to getting a divorce, and I just really..."
Alicia: Ducks down underneath her desk until he goes away.
Just kidding, it's ten times worse than that, because she's like, trying to indicate to him to back off with her tone -- "Really, it's not necessary" -- and he's being so nakedly and unreservedly sweet and sort of needy about it and finally she just flees, but not before being like, "Honestly, thank you very much and it means a lot to me that you want that, but no. I kind of need to be in charge here."
...Which is why he's all alone when Caitlin -- who has been lurking about waiting for him to walk by -- jumps out from a darkened doorway to flirt with him, and "apologize" for apparently "bothering" him, according to Mrs. Florrick, who told her not to talk to him or look him in the eye and to only come to her with questions. Which would have him well chuffed, I think, if she'd tried that shit ten minutes ago, but now just makes everything seem darker still.
STATE'S ATTY
Matan hauls up the bucket they use to get tiny little Cary up and down the mineshaft at the mucky bottom of which his latest office is, and Cary assumes they're just going to put him in front of a firing squad, so he trudges along after him, but then -- and again, we really just don't know much about the SA this year at all, everything seems so random and fraught -- it turns out he's just randomly been made Deputy State's Attorney.
Which, I don't know about you, but between the Eli and Vanessa stuff and then this latest little twist with Will and Caitlin, it kind of makes me feel like Peter's gonna make a move.
week: I don't know. I'm so sick, you guys. I assume week's recap will make more sense, unless I develop some sort of dependency on Robitussin and then who knows what will happen.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.