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Alicia spends the entire -- on-time! -- episode roaming from asshole to asshole, being appalled by them, and then ping-ponging her way into the horrific encounter. And of course it is riveting, best of the season so far-type stuff -- disregarding Cumming's bizarrely over-the-top tic collection and Noth's orange spray-tan, of course -- while setting up some new vectors for the rest of the season.
That jet class action they've been teasing finally comes down: Celeste and Diane are working together on it, until Kalinda figures out that good old Colin Sweeney (!!!) was involved with the manufacturer's IPO, so of course they have to send in Alicia, because Colin and Alicia totally love each other, no matter how much Alicia pretends to deny it. Cary agrees to give Sweeney his freedom if he testifies against a white supremacist prison-buddy, and then Peter ups the ante to a full-blown wire conversation. In the end, Colin wins his freedom and the class is settled.
Alicia's been given the opportunity to bring in a first-year associate of her choosing, and she winnows the candidates down to two: The eponymous Martha and Caitlin. You know it's going to be Caitlin because she's played by the very wonderful Anna Camp (!!!), but the fix is really in when it turn out she's David Lee's niece -- and Alicia's new mentee. (Normally it would be very exciting to see David Lee, but frankly he's a prick in this episode so he gets zero parenthetical exclamation points.)
He screams at Alicia about hiring Caitlin, in front of Celeste of all people, and then does a secret vote behind her back to invalidate her decision against. Turns out that Will voted with David in the secret vote, but for the best possible reason: A couple years ago, when Alicia was the Caitlin and wouldn't have gotten hired if David hadn't agreed to vote Will's way.
Meanwhile, Grace's weird tutor situation has gotten so untenably annoying that Peter and Alicia have to have a conference about how to get rid of her, Alicia takes her to lunch and learns she is twenty-two years of age -- Grace is fourteen, okay -- and tells her to stop making lewd dance videos on the internet with a future governor's daughter. Grace throws a massive shit-fit about this, and Grace and Alicia simultaneously realize that neither of them have any friends whatsoever.
On the Eli side of things, he uses Kalinda to find dirt on the DNC's anointed keynote speaker, but once Kalinda figures out she's working for Peter by proxy, she does the Kalinda equivalent of putting a stewpot on her head and running around banging it with a spoon while shrieking, so Eli goes to Peter to find out why Kalinda's so weird about him, and Peter does the Peter equivalent of showing off his new chest tattoo that says I FUCKED KALINDA SHARMA and the whole thing is a massive debacle, so when Eli gets coffee with a (really neat) DNC lady and promises her that he will fix Alicia and Peter's marriage, you kind of want to throw up from fear. He is one Will Gardner away from ruining everybody, which means we need to keep Celeste on an entire other floor of the building until after elections.
And speaking of Celeste, she's really kind of awesome. She takes Alicia out drinking and immediately levels that: She wants to break up Alicia and Will, but not really; Will embezzled $45K and then gave it back this one time; and she honestly likes Alicia and thinks she's a pretty great person. Of course, then she runs off to have anonymous sex with a stranger from a hotel bar, so Alicia sits back and just kind of wonders where the hell Celeste even came from. Just when you think this show's gonna zig...
week: Cary gets righteous, Alicia bitches out a judge, and proximity to Parker Posey will probably cause Alan Cumming to put on a clown suit or nose-and-glasses and jump around screaming, "Get it? I'M DELIGHTFUL!" and wiggling his eyebrows at everybody and twitching his nose like a rabbit on coke and doing some kind of leprechaun jig. Or, alternately, the director will get a grip on him and we can go back to adoring everything he does, like usual.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!CLASS ACTION
As agreed, Celeste and Diane have split the survivors of that plane crash that happened while all those little cheese kids were barfing and dying all over the place: Celeste has the crew's families, while Diane got the passengers'. They've decided to combine their cases, since they both allege the same negligence on the part of the plane's manufacturers, so the opening scene is all about bouncing back and forth between their opening arguments... And the purposeful movements of a dude who bought a gun today.
Diane's other point to make is that the jetliner is pawning it off on pilot error, which she smartly calls "blaming the victim," which is rarely what it sounds like but always pisses people off. Everything's going swimmingly, because both ladies are intense but likeable, until they say this: "How do we know that they knew their jet was defective? Because there is a very brave whistleblower from within Hammett who's agreed to testify for us."
And, of course, as they're saying this, the whistleblower in question loses that bravery, locks a gun and shoots himself in the dang head.
L/G
Celeste: "You know I'm crazy as shit, right? So it should come as no surprise that I can definitely see an upside here."
Diane: "No, I'm with you. He did his whole deposition back when his head was intact, and they did a crap job of cross-examining him, so it's basically all footage for our side."
Dead Guy: "Like the internet, the problem was a system of tubes that malfunctioned in de-icing the wings during flight. Other boring facts also."
Diane calls it a necessary move, if ghoulish, but she doesn't like hugely care. So they decide to admit this tape into evidence, on the basis of some precedent or rule or another; Celeste calls this "falling forward," because that's the only thing she apparently knows how to do. Presumably Alicia just thinks that Celeste is a psychopath; presumably, Will's still shivering in a corner due to the shit she pulled last week.
WEIRD TUTOR
Speaking of psychos, Grace's tutor has gotten so obnoxious that Alicia and Peter are having a phone meeting about how to get rid of her. Alicia hates the tutor for reasons that are both obvious and very hard to verbalize, but basically it's because she sucks, and Grace already sucks so why would you stack the deck against her even more.
Alicia: "...Well, that's the problem, she's a great tutor. Grace's Physics grades are the best this year. Essentially the problem, as I see it, is that she's doing a great job."
Peter: "Where did this girl come from?"
Alicia: "Where do all teenagers fucking up our lives come from? Eli Gold."
Peter: "Wait, so Grace is friends with her. That fills me with dread. How much does she have to suck to be friends with Grace."
Alicia: "That's the gist. I'll talk to her."
Peter: "Grace? Or the tutor?"
Alicia: "The tutor. I'm certainly not going to discuss this with Grace, that would be the normal, respectful thing to do. And I am feeling neither, these days. I miss when her only friend was Jesus. At least Jesus didn't have Tourette's, or whatever is going on with this tutor weirdo."
Peter: "Why don't we just hire another tutor without telling either of them, and then the tutor can quietly go away?"
Alicia: "Yeah, or I will just talk to her and ask her to stop being so weird. Flyswatter over bazooka."
Peter: "I'm not being a bazooka!"
Alicia: "No, just a whiner. What I meant was, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that Grace doesn't bitch at me any more than is absolutely necessary."
Peter: "I hear you there."
ALICIA'S JOB
Upside: David Lee is here! Downside: David Lee is a dick. Usually that's okay, because he's a dick to bad guys, but it turns out he's also scary to good guys, when he feels like being a dick. Attend: Once David's done bitching about his lack of conference room space -- "I'm like an itinerant farmer out here!" -- Will and David offer Alicia a fun new responsibility: Interviewing and hiring a new first-year associate.
Will: "But only one person for the one job. Don't, for example, hire both a MILF and an underwear model at the same time, or there will be probs. Trust."
Alicia: "I feel so validated and trusted that you gave me this responsibility! I have a new lease on life and feel my position in this firm is more secure than it has ever been. Thank you so much for respecting me as a person and an employee, and for soliciting my opinion. I can't wait to get started!"
Will & David: "As a bonus, to show you how important you are to this firm, you will also be mentoring whoever you hire."
Alicia, blushing: "That makes me feel like I am making good choices in my life. Clearly you value me a great deal."
David Lee: "Great, whatever. Now come talk to me about your divorce, in code."
Alicia, overjoyed: "Will, thank you so much for this grand opportunity! I can't wait to mentor some young person and teach them the way that Diane has always taught me."
Will: "Don't thank me, thank David Lee. I am still pretending to dislike you. Also, when this blows up in your face, I don't want you to think any of it was my idea."
Alicia: "Fuck me for hoping one single time in my life that anybody would honestly feel like I'm a human being, without any caveats. I mean, thanks."
Will: "And hey, if you were feeling paranoid about Celeste, I just wanted to tell you that you should be feeling totally paranoid about Celeste. That bitch is gunning for you."
Alicia: "I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't really react to things."
Will, waving at Crazypants: "I don't know if you've noticed, but it is killing me."
DAVID LEE:
David Lee: "So we can't use 'Cole divorce' as our cover word anymore, because I actually have a Cole divorce."
Alicia: "No big. Turns out constantly fucking Will has really taken the edge off."
David Lee: "You're 'separated,' meaning your marriage is on life support and you're too weak and dumb to pull the plug. Let me lay down some science on you. Nobody who ever 'separated' ever once got back together, in the history of life on this planet. It's just something dumb housewives like you say instead of contemplating the cold abyss of your lonely existence."
Alicia: "It's always nice talking to you, David Lee."
David Lee: "It's always nice reminding you that I'm the only person in this entire firm who is at least upfront with you about your value as a spurned wife and a Florrick."
Alicia: "True enough. Not even Eli can say that shit out loud most of the time."
David Lee: "Also, don't put your kids in private school."
Alicia: "Don't tell me what to do with my kids, David Lee. My daughter is a trainwreck and I need to get her away from the Internet, before she does a dance."
David Lee: "That's cute that you think I give a shit about you. No, I'm saying don't put them into private school unless you make Peter pay for half of it. You have to create a fiction on paper that you can't afford it, or else he will make you pay him alimony."
Alicia: "I have forgotten how family law works, or how money works, and apparently believe that life is the Honor System today. Also, stop planning for a divorce that is obviously going to happen."
David Lee: "Okay, small words. Peter is going to be pissed when you divorce him, because you are key to his political success and because he will have jumped through about fifty billion hoops, including the Jesus hoop, in order to make sure you don't leave him. When it comes down to it, he is going to sue you for everything. Things you didn't even know were possible. Don't blame me, it's the goddamn feminists. He is going to sue you in the face. As your lawyer, it's my entire job to think about these things. It is your job as a client to do what I tell you. Cool?"
Alicia: "Sure, whatever. I live in a fantasy land about all this stuff because I can't actually contemplate the fact that I'm having an affair or I will break apart into a million pieces and go crazy. And if that happens, I will take every single one of you down with me. So I suggest you follow my side-eye and segue awkwardly into the scene, where Eli is even now discussing Peter's future political plans. I like to think of his career as insurance against getting any blowback or reprisal for my shocking actions of late."
David Lee: "Well, I guess in a narrative world where the DNC would even pretend to think about having an ex-con philanderer as their convention keynote in an election year, perhaps that is not so insane as it sounds."
ELI
Democratic Person: "Are you fucking kidding me with this? Peter Florrick? You know we didn't even let John Edwards past the Beltline after his shit. Why not just have Weiner live-tweet the whole thing from a whorehouse?"
Eli: "Peter has the best story, for a brave new world where it's my job to sell this shit to you as hard as I can. He's redeemed! He was re-elected to the very office that he disrespected! He's like a metaphor for the Party, practically."
Democratic Person: "He's not a person of interest on the national scale, beyond his scandals. Nobody even knows what the Cook County SA does, there's like, only seven states that even have one."
Eli: "Obama was a lowly state senator when he gave the speech that changed everything."
DNC: "Um, Obama is black. Don't be an idiot."
Eli: "Okay, so who is it then? Who are you championing?"
DNC: "Sure, I will totally tell you. I just hope you don't run some kind of shadow-cabinet crucifixion investigation of him like the insane Lady Macbeth leprechaun that you are."
Eli: "Promise."
DNC: "Anyway, Peter Florrick's marriage is his secret weapon, not some keynote address. Let's somewhat awkwardly reverse the camera angle from the last scene change in order to provide a bookend to the scene."
Everybody is looking at each other in their goldfish bowls and under the constant threat of surveillance and the Press and everybody is looking at everybody else all the time and Alicia is looking at Eli and Eli is looking at Alicia and everybody's worried about Peter and what shit he's going to pull . Except Celeste, who is worried about what will happen when the bees or the robots or the robot bees arrive. And yours truly, who is worried about the fact that Alan Cumming just twitched his way through about five different accents in that scene and possibly will jitter a hole in the floor at some point.
DEAD GUY DEPO
Opposing counsel on the class is Ken Cosgrove, which is nice. His physicality and movement are really different than usual, which is pretty impressive since he already has such a distinctive look so it makes you respect him more for not just being a character actor, although he still looks like a beanpole wearing Daddy's shoulder pads. Acting can only do so much.
Dan Hedaya-Looking Dead Dude: "They knew the de-icing fluid tended to freeze in the wing lines, but they decided to save money and do nothing about it. More boring facts!"
Big fight about moving the post-mortem deposition into evidence: Apparently Rule 212 says you can do this, but Ken says that's only when it won't do a "substantial injustice," like perjury, and to support the claim that Dead Guy was lying produces the suicide note, which is in two pieces: "IT'S A LIE" and "I'M SORRY."
Except the suicide guy had been accused of sleeping with his sixteen-year-old babysitter, so frankly it seems unlikely that those statements have to do with a corporate class-action suit about wiper fluid or whatever, and more about the actual reason he killed himself. Dead guy -- and the presiding judge -- share a sense of perspective, perhaps, that opposing counsel lacks.
Roda: "It's hearsay! We can't cross-examine a corpse!"
Judge: "Tacky tacky tacky."
The judge is actually really cool, despite his marmot hairdo -- which I think exists purely to downplay his hotness so you don't get distracted about it -- and once they start getting into fighting about the interpretation of the law and the notes and what do "words" mean and all that lawyer crap, the judge just sits back snarking at them and waiting for them to grow up. So, continuance? Maybe, but maybe not, after a little scene where a dude who lost his wife and daughters guilts Team Lockart-Serrano a little more.
Diane: "Kalinda, fix it. Fix it!"
KALINDA
Is doing Eli Business as usual. He drops into a chair beside her and she's like, what now.
Eli: "Adam Spellman. Do you know who that is?"
Kalinda: "I am Kalinda, of course I do. He is a businessman, and head of the Chicago Black Leadership Council. His address, social, and current weight are on this index card which -- what's this? -- you've had in your left ear the entire time. Now it has vanished! Or has it? Check your breast pocket."
Eli: "You are a wondrous beast. So listen, I need you to vet him for the DNC, as a favor I'm doing them out of my kindness and generosity. I would just hate if you found any skeletons in his closet."
Kalinda: "Okay but really, why?"
Eli: "For narrative reasons, I won't even bother to tell you yet. Just ruin his life immediately and we'll talk about it later."
Kalinda: "Everybody needs everything immediately all the time. Good thing I'm not cracking under the pressure or slowly being isolated from the few people I care about."
(She finds something and goes A-ha!)
Eli: "That was quick!"
But it's like, Diane just called her and she did magic anyway, so it's not exactly absurdist comedy that she would do this. She was on the phone with Diane when he walked up, so Diane's needs had like a five-second jump on Eli's, and while she was discussing it with him, she was researching Diane's stuff, and now that she has, she will probably somehow be investigating Spellman while briefing Diane and Celeste on her findings here. My fear is that if you are too efficient you will propel yourself backward in time, resulting in fine lines and wrinkles, which is why I do everything at the last possible moment.
Kalinda: "It was a blind CC. Ritter e-mailed the CEO about the de-icing problems, and on Ritter's copy, there were only two e-mail addresses included in the CC. But on the CEO's copy, he BCC'd someone else, the VC guy on their original IPO. CS at HeraldEquityGroup?"
It sinks in. Diane and Kalinda are like Oh girl and refuse to tell Celeste who it is by name, to the point that you suddenly realize we haven't even hit the credits yet, so obviously "CS" is going to be a huge reveal. So then you're like, "Whose initials are CS? Is there a political celebrity or, I don't know, a recurring guest star who plays a... HOLY SHIT!" and then everything starts moving real fast.
Diane: "Mother of God."
Kalinda: "Well, he's a crazed creepster that might not even help us."
Diane: "He will if we send Alicia. He loves her ass."
Which, I love that they did that right up front: Along with political contacts and a preternatural charisma on TV, Alicia also brings with her the admiration, not to say friendship, of a perverted serial-killy murderer.
Which positions it correctly, for the series and the episode, because the problem most shows face with a character of this magnitude is "not enough/too much," you know, like on crime shows there's always this one Irene Adler Hannibal Lecter mastermind that's obsessed with Our Hero, or a theatrical Grande Dame that plays somebody's crazy grandma, and if they do too little then it's this perennial event, and if they do it too much, then you're Betty White and everybody gets over it.
I think for a lot of people the acclaim of this show has to do with the "Characters Welcome" sort of approach -- you get to see the best actors doing the most insanely well-written and well-rounded characters -- and so it's like a play they're putting on for us. But for me, it's more often the story of Alicia, because I identify with her -- her secret desire to be Captain America, her rigid self-righteousness, her chronic inability to discern the difference between the two -- so much. I think it's the most dynamic thing about the show, that it manages to be both an ensemble and a biography, which makes the best shows (again, Buffy being a great example) what they are. Finding your place in the emotional and symbolic landscape made up of the people around you.
So because the show is, at least in large part, about what these people signify about Alicia, this aspect of the show sets its own limitations simply by existing, because every character works the same way. Louis Canning, Patti Nyholm, Nancy Crozier, all of them highlight and confront us with different parts of Alicia, and this guy is definitely on that order. (Rather than, say, the cornucopia of Wacky Judges or various Dark-Yet-Quirky investigators, both of which classes of character have different reasons for being how they are, or Rita Wilson and the bevy of other powerful women Diane's always up against.)
You can't have this guy around constantly, and not because he's in danger of being a sweeps stunt: Because Alicia is way more interesting than that. And it's because every time he interacts with her -- just like other people mentioned above -- their story evolves. For the purposes of this episode, though, the emphasis happens to be on my favorite thing about their relationship, which is that he likes her, and she likes him, and she hates both of those things.
JAIL
But then, attraction/repulsion isn't a new thing for Alicia, is it? She likes Cary, she likes Kalinda, she likes Will, either in spite of or because of their darkness depending on the day. Her relationships with dispassionate people like herself (Diane) are usually cool and dispassionate, because there's no attraction/repulsion, just respect -- and her relationships with volatile people (Eli, Owen) are what really get her going.
In fact, the only person she really resents for not being perfect is Peter -- and Kalinda, now -- because they know her too well. She would probably paint it as an opposites-attract thing, if she were capable of thinking about it at all, but the truth is that she's got a rat the size of Chicago and half of her shit is about keeping anybody from knowing that, especially herself.
Which is why it only makes sense that Celeste accompanies her to visit this mystery man CS. I think this is Celeste's last episode for a while, meaning that Alicia needed to come to some kind of resolution with her, and that means coming to terms with what she means in Alicia's life, just like everybody else. Is she another Weirdo Tutor, too close for comfort? Is she a possible replacement for Kalinda (and does that make Will a replacement for Peter)? Is she just the alternate-universe, broken version of Alicia herself? An annoyingly manipulative Patti, or legitimately dangerous Colin Sweeney? I don't know about you, but the answer surprised the heck out of me, in the best way, and it starts here, as they're walking through the jail.
Celeste: "And here I didn't think we'd get a chance to work together. Isn't this fun? You and I should get some drinks, trade whore stories."
Alicia: "Horror?"
Celeste: "Yeah! What did I say?"
Alicia assures the hack that CS won't touch her, or attack her or anything -- "That's not his style" -- and Celeste giggles. "Just like Clarice Starling, huh?"
And it is: Colin Sweeney, cuffed and bound, sitting at the table like creepy butter wouldn't melt in his creepy mouth, like always.
THE MACULATE
You got Sweeney Todd, obviously, who ground the people up for meat pies, and you got Apeneck Sweeney from Eliot (the original title of this episode was a reference to the latter), who would have a lot to say, I think, on the phenomenon of Alicia Florrick: How cleanliness leads to sterility, but vice leads you straight to the pit. Both at once are teaming up to destroy you. That life is a constant struggle between indulgence and self-denial; how sometimes the bravest thing you can do is ignore the rat and keep going.
Anyway, Colin's overjoyed to see her, proud of his pectoral prison tattoo -- "I wanted William Blake's The Ancient of Days, but beggars really can't be choosers here" -- and happy to chat about life in prison. Ancient was one of Blake's favorite visions, and he was always drawing it. At the end of his life, he did one last copy for more money than he'd ever earned, from bed, and at the end he threw it down saying, "There, that will do! I cannot mend it." Which seems like it would appeal to Sweeney, for some reason.
Colin: "And you, Mrs. Florrick. I imagine you're well? Your husband's back in office, you're thriving in your profession. The world must be your oyster."
Alicia: "Compared to your life, the daily horrors of my existence do seem delightful."
Colin: "Nobody bullshits you in here. I like that."
Alicia: "In that spirit, I would like to stop talking as if we're friends and ask you to help me with a case."
Dead Guy was deposed about a meeting that Sweeney was at, so of course Sweeney can provide living backup, but as he points out: "Why me? Why not OJ? Won't the jury be likely to mistrust the word of a renowned wife-killer?" He laughs at Alicia for quibbling, and they do some brief exposition about he's in jail for a whole other thing he didn't do, which is ironic but not karmically, because he got away with murdering his wife.
(And Alicia is the only person, essentially, to whom he's admitted this, which is when their relationship really started in earnest, because that's when he started giving her things: When she admitted she was asking whether he did it just because she herself needed to know. That he'd tempted her to look down the hole; that she'd gotten just a little bit tainted by the grotesque. Then it was creepy art, favors, whatever he thought she would like. Because he knows that every gift is redeemable for a little piece of her, and because the game of finding ways to make her accept them is analogous to a relationship, in his twisted head. If he just makes that point enough times, I think, eventually she'll like him back -- but more importantly she will have been changed.)
Colin, abject: "I like you, Alicia. Why don't you like me?"
Alicia: "You killed your wife?"
Colin: "And there's nothing I can do about that?"
Alicia, weighing it: "Um, testify on this case?"
Colin: "Would that help you?"
Alicia: "It would help forty families suing Hammett Aerospace."
Colin: "Yes, and I'm sure they're all adorable, but will it help you."
Just perfection. Even Alicia is like, "Oh, fuck. This is somehow going to end in my grisly murder, I just know it."
WEIRDO TUTOR
Alicia: "So thanks for waiting for me, I had to interview Hannibal Lecter. Can I get you a coffee?"
Tutor: "No-just-tell-me-what-we-are-doing-here-so-I-can-go-back-to-being-weird."
Alicia: "You're doing a great job as tutor, but I'm confused about the dancing thing."
Tutor: "I-like-making-them."
Alicia: "You're what, 22? You know my daughter is 14."
Tutor: "We-are-friends."
Alicia: "Just talking to you makes my skin crawl."
Alicia: "But okay so like, why do you make these videos?"
Tutor: "I-like-making-them."
Alicia: "Right but like what are they for."
Tutor: "They-are-for-the-Internet."
Alicia: "So wait, like, you make money from them?"
Tutor: "You-don't-really-understand-the-Internet."
Alicia: "Honey, I don't really understand art. You just make things? For your own enjoyment?"
Tutor: "That-is-what-I-am-saying."
Alicia: "That is the weirdest thing I have ever heard."
That whole conversation made me laugh so much, just Alicia's jaw-dropped discovery of the concept of making art. She is many wonderful things, but that is not where her creativity resides. She's a workhorse, not a show pony. I mean, can you imagine Alicia Florrick taking, like, a pottery class? Or a cooking class? Line dancing?
"You mean karaoke is like, people just get onstage and sing? They don't even sign a contract or have a manager? What about ASCAP? What about residual rights? That is fucked up, holmes."
Alicia: "Anyway, it would be better if you were less of a friend and more of a tutor. I mean, what I really want to say is that I'm worried you're going to make my daughter weirder than she already is, but that is an obviously unacceptable statement, so I'm going to couch it in terms crossing the tutoring line, and your disparity in age. Even though neither of those things apply, because you're doing a great job as a tutor and clearly operating socially at enough of a disadvantage that the age difference isn't as off-putting as it would otherwise appear."
Tutor: "Say-that-again-without-emotion-and-in-concrete-language."
Alicia: "I want you to work with Grace on her homework. I don't want Grace making these videos with you anymore."
Tutor: "End-of-transmission?"
Alicia: "...Yeah."
ELI
Kalinda: "While you were in the bathroom I discovered that Adam Spellman's Baptist wife gave money to DOMA, and they tried to cover it up."
Eli: "Yeah, that'll do it. I'm off to tattle to the DNC, but would you also look at the other guys on this list? I need to destroy everyone for Peter Florrick."
Skirrch.
Kalinda: "Wait, I'm working for Peter Florrick?"
Eli: "Do you, like, know who I am?"
Kalinda: "I just remembered that I left my stove on in Canada and I need to take care of that real quick."
Whoosh. Well done, Kalinda. I don't think he suspects a thing!
HIRING
Alicia bounces back and forth between the two candidates, as named in the episode title:
Caitlin is a high-profile go-getter, talks about things turning her on or not turning her on, and her hobbies include trampboarding, which is where you take the wheels off a skateboard and jump around on a trampoline. I can't imagine anything more awkward looking. Anyway, she's played by Anna Camp who is the very greatest: "I know [how it sounds]. But I can do a double somersault from a full-blown ollie!"
Martha, on the other hand, is a sweetheart wallflower, a black-box machine that spouts Alicia-favorite phrases at random intervals: She liked to "dig deep" in moot court in school, because it was practical experience that kept her "feet grounded in something real" over journals or case law or whatever, she takes no credit for anything, everything is a "team effort," which she prefers although she can work competently on her own, loves L/G's "family spirit," hates the very idea of having her own personal hobbies or relating them, makes Alicia drag out of her that she likes Truffaut and Godard.
So in a bake-off sense you have Alicia identifying with Martha, over Caitlin as the Cary or Celeste -- she'll later correctly identify her as a "classic C student" -- but I don't know about that: Martha's how Alicia wants to view herself, but that's leaving out over half the story when you do that. Not that there's any valid connection between Alicia and Caitlin at this time, as the alternative, just that when you decide to tell the story of yourself, it's the things you leave out are the things that screw you. So painting Martha -- who looks every bit like she would be a person on this show -- as the perfect narcissistic portrait of Good Wife Alicia means pretty much automatically she's screwed, in some way we don't know yet.
CLASS ACTION
The first attempt to show the jury testimony from Sweeney -- over CCTV -- does not go well. He starts balking on the second question (after a very funny moment where he mourns his company with this panto, coy little moue) to the point where Alicia's just like, "Pull the plug" and the court TV goes dead. However, prior to this, there's an amazing moment where Celeste tries to out-Colin Colin by giving him the full Serrano, and that goes down like this:
Colin: "Something is going on between you two. Why are you so tense about each other?"
Celeste: "Should we tell him?"
Alicia: "Do not give him anything. What part of 'Hannibal Lecter' are you too stupid to understand?"
Colin: "Tell me or else."
Celeste: "We're lovers. We've been keeping it secret for months."
Colin: "Oh yeah?"
Alicia: "I really don't want to talk about it right now."
Celeste: "She's breaking up with me! For a man! Who is not worthy of her!"
Of course Alicia loves the absurdity of all this, behind her total stillness, but Colin's impressed enough at the attempt that he overlooks how paltry Celeste's craziness is compared to his. A for effort. But after the breakdown, they're disappointed, like, what the hell are you doing? We thought we were friends! And he's all, "I am clearly undercutting your case." Why? "Because I want something." What? "Freedom."
And in short order, they've taken his offer to Diane, and thence to Cary: Sweeney's got two years left on his sentence even with good behavior, but the SA needs evidence on drugs in prison, and that's something he can give them. Man, if Sweeney got out that would rule. Not because I want him around any more often than he is now, but just because I like the idea of him being out in the world, doing weird sex stuff all the time and killing folks and acting like it's no big deal.
"Oh, this is just the woman that I pay to accost me at the supermarket and jam my head up against the frozen peas and then choke me out when I climax. Oh, that's the fella that ties me up and force-feeds me frozen yogurt after church. Oh, that's just the entire kindergarten class I bought on my black AmEx, I'm going to chase them through an abandoned building later for fun."
DAVID LEE:
Is on the Bluetooth -- or is he? -- when he sees Alicia , but I think that's part of the problem is that he's having simultaneous conversations with a "Margie" about legal issues, with Alicia about the private school thing, and most especially with Alicia about Caitlin:
David Lee: "Isn't Caitlin fantastic? Did she tell you how much she loves competition? She's my niece. I told her not to mention it because I didn't want her to win out based on nepotism. I'm glad you liked her."
Alicia: "I am all about taking your obviously coded words at face value, as though that wasn't a clearly worded threat or anything. Good thing David Lee isn't a terrifying prick that will gut you as soon as look at you, or I'd be acting quite the dumbass today. I'm still just so excited about this very important opportunity to make up my own mind, and really help the firm! I'm going to hire Martha, to prove an obscure point about myself."
It's sad watching the bushy-tailed, excited smile on her face -- "You're my boss! We're relating on a professional level!" -- slowly drain throughout, but there is just the slightest amount of "Fuck me? Fuck you, sir" in her grin at the end that tells us she's struck just the wrong internal balance between proving herself capable, and knuckling under to this obvious instruction. With this show, you never know if she's going to be rewarded or hurt, by asserting her personhood, depending on how things play out, so you just kind of have to hope. Hubris exists in the rearview alone.
STATE'S ATTY
Celeste and Diane are against one wall, SA people the other, but Alicia plants herself in the middle of Cary's office. He invites Imani in, as his official babysitter, and explains the situation. He refers to Colin as "the wife-killer," and of course Diane corrects him ("the defensive killer of his stalker"), but Imani is already making that face she makes.
Offer: Sweeney will testify to who's involved in the recent increase of heroin distribution at the Cook County prison complex, the corruption of which is Peter's fifth biggest obsessions in the last week. Cary takes Imani to "check with Peter," but instead ducks just out of sight
"So where did you go to school?" Brown, you? "Harvard. Siblings?" Three brothers. "Lawyers?" No, the family was happy to have just one lawyer. One's a painter, one's a writer, one teaches at the Sorbonne. "Really? That's in France, isn't it?" And with the most delightful grin, Cary heads back inside: "Okay, I talked to Peter, and he has a counteroffer."
I mean, Cary is the best. That was the hottest thing since the finger-biting in my opinion. He is so Cary all the time, I love it. Counteroffer: Sweeney informs on Donny Pike, senior acting member of the Aryan Warlords and the recipient of Colin's stock advice. Also, apparently, "The most dangerous man in the Illinois system" and one whose last informant got murdered well fast.
LATER
Geneva Pine! I love these little meetings they have, all the ASAs. She didn't say much in the last one, when Sophia showed up and disappeared again, but I love her. She's so pretty, and so cool. And in this case, she was the ASA that won Sweeney's original plea bargain, so she's not interested in having that taken away by Peter again.
Peter: "He's served two years of it already."
Pine: "Uh, that's two years for killing a person."
Pine, appealing to Peter's ongoing marketing of himself/the SA: "Letting the famously awful Colin Sweeney go is going to burn everybody."
Cary, appealing to the room in general: "It's about stopping this neo-Nazi guy from remote-control killing people from inside jail."
Imani, jumping on it: "White supremacists are worse than wife-killers. By a hair."
Pine: "Peter, you will be crucified. You become the man who set OJ free. Also, his testimony won't mean anything to either case, because perception is reality and there is no person on any jury that hasn't had at least one Colin Sweeney nightmare in the past two years."
Peter: "Geneva, you are taking this too personally. If it were absolutely anybody else..."
Pine: "It isn't."
Peter: "Two years left, on involuntary manslaughter. You would take this deal."
Pine: "Fffffffuuuu... Yeah, I would."
Peter: "However, Geneva's definitely activated my paranoia, so we need to beef up his testimony by forcing him to wear a wire with Pike. That way, no matter how squicky he is personally we can chalk up a win, because it'll be on tape."
He's good at his job. Eli calls him aside for a few reasons, and they get their Sorkin on.
ASIDE
Eli: "Apparently you are close to giving the keynote at the Democratic Convention. Thank God gay people's civil rights are such a convenient football for everybody else to kick around all the fucking time. Being a meaningless pawn is such a sexy, luxurious feeling. Anyway, I'm going to talk with Donna Brazile, who is a real person in real life. I'm not saying you need to decide about governor -- which, um, any time now would be fine -- just go to the meeting with them, and talk about how you were in prison a lot."
Peter: "My very favorite thing to talk about. Um..."
Eli: "Oh God, what."
Peter: "You might hear about a plea bargain that I'm about to do. Kind of tarnishes my name and the name of the office, and will desperately need spinning, but it's for a good cause. Several, actually."
Eli: "How about you just delay it until you get the speech?"
Peter: "Can't. It's now or never, and ethically I have to do it."
Eli: "Whatever, try to keep it quiet but otherwise go for it and heeeeey, what's your deal with Kalinda Sharma and why won't she work for me on your behalf?"
Peter: "What? Who? Nothing. Who? When? Donkey balls. Space program. Who?"
Eli: "Mmkay."
GOOD WILL "PHONING"
Alicia has just said something and we'll never know what it was so we'll never know if he's lying:
Will: "...Really? I didn't know that. Is she good?"
Alicia: "Caitlin is fine. I don't overidentify with her in a self-aggrandizing way, but she's a cool customer. And David Lee is bugging me about it, so that makes me want to do something to piss him off. But there's just something about Martha that reflects so well on me, in my own estimation."
Will: "You know what they say. A students make great professors, B students make great judges, and C students make partner."
(Tiger Mother: "First prize is a set of steak knives. Second prize is, you're fired.")
Grace: "Moooooooooooommmmmmmm"
Alicia: "God. What."
Grace: "My tutor just robotically left as soon as we were done studying, and didn't take a bath with me and braid my hair and clip my toenails and tuck me in like usual. What have you done."
Alicia: "I just told her to be a tutor."
Grace: "That's what she did. She taught me a great deal, and continued to improve my grades, and excited me about learning in new ways. It was awful. You are a monster."
Alicia: "She is fuckin' 22 years old! Why is everybody up my ass today?"
Grace: "On her driver's license it might say she's 22. But in the ways that count, she is a dorky fourteen-year-old who is lost in the world, same as me."
Alicia: "You're right, but I can't agree with that, so let's change train tracks. I am not paying her to be your friend, but your tutor. Therefore, her fondness for you is unprofessional. I could take her to babysitter court and she could be fined in imaginary babysitter money and they could take away her tutoring license in the state of Illinois. That is a real thing."
Grace: "Um, no it isn't. And also, I have no friends. Were you unaware of the fact that I am lonely and weird and friendless? Did that somehow slip you by?"
Alicia: "You're winning... Willpower decreasing... Mommy feelings activating..."
Grace, pressing her advantage: "And you're always at work..."
Alicia: "-- Nope! No, see, you fucked that one up. You just lost all momentum when you played that card. And you were so close, honey. I'm sorry you're so bad at this, along with everything else. At least emotional manipulation could have seen you through the rougher years, but I'm afraid without that you don't have a whole lot going for you. Good thing you're cute, when you're not making this horrible face you're making. In fact, let's switch tracks again. Since the last three reasons were bullshit and we both pretty much know that, I'm down to my weakest defense -- the idea that filming yourself dancing will somehow endanger you physically. Lots of mayhem out on those streets and on the El. Lots of things can happen, while you're dancing and having fun like a totally normal teenager."
Grace: "That is the most bullshitty reason yet."
Alicia: "Well, I can't tell you my real reason -- which is that she's the first person I met who is more off-putting than you are -- so I will just retreat to the pathetic non-reason that all exhausted parents use when they're too tired to respect their children as people. I say you can't, because I am the mom and you do what I say."
Grace: "I don't even know what we're talking about anymore."
Alicia: "I still don't understand this concept of having friends and making art. Are you trying to learn a useful skill or trade? Because I can pay for dance lessons..."
Grace: "It is not about dance lessons! It is about how this girl is totally weird and I think that is awesome and she likes me which is also awesome and putting art on the Internet is a good way to express yourself without the risk of social reprisal because it's through a mediating technology and I'm really self-conscious which is why I like the Internet and I feel like you have these standards for my friends that are bogus and have nothing to do with me and then I feel like I'm displeasing or disappointing you just by liking what I like because it's always, 'Oh, she's a lesbian or a Christian or something,' or, 'Oh, stop joining a cult on the Internet,' or, 'Oh, she's too nerdy and she's a grown woman.' I AM A DORK, MOM. I HAVE DORKY FRIENDS AND WE DO DORKY SHIT AND WE HOPE TO MEET MORE DORKS. ACCEPT IT."
Alicia: "...Okay. I get it. I am also a dork, and I also have no friends, so I get it. We'll talk about this later, dork."
SWEENEY
Out to the DOC van, where they're marching Colin in a way that looks like transport but is actually a meeting about the deal: Alicia and Celeste, Cary, and of course Imani, who seems just as bored being Cary's constant babysitter as he thinks it's hilarious. That's when things get really interesting, in terms of Colin and Alicia's thing.
Cary: "Pike's ordered four witnesses murdered since he went inside."
Colin: "What a fantastic reason for me to be a witness against him."
Cary: "No, the deal is going to be for what you find out today. Not what you already know. Also, because you are Skeevemaster General, you're wearing a wire."
Alicia: "Uh, no."
Cary: "Uh, yeah. We're going to transfer Pike to another prison, giving him a layover at County, where he'll run into Sweeney and admit to this latest murder."
Alicia: "Way too dangerous. No way."
Everybody: That was interesting.
Cary: "Sweeney, it's up to you."
Alicia: "Do not do this."
Everybody, now just staring at her: Again, what a super interesting response.
Celeste: "Alicia, it's his decision?"
L/G
Celeste: "Three things. First of all, you have to be there for the wire because secondly, he thinks you care about him, which is even more interesting because thirdly, you totally care about him."
Alicia: "No, don't be ridiculous. I just don't want to watch a dude get shanked."
Celeste: "Not even a wife-killer?"
Alicia: "I am Alicia Florrick. It's how I roll."
Ol' Left-Turn Serrano: "You're so interesting! Why are you with Will?"
Alicia, perturbed: "What makes you think I'm with him?"
Celeste: "Because you are. And because he's smitten with you."
Alicia: "Smitten? Gah."
Celeste: "No, that's the word. Sweet and high school and vanilla. No offense."
Alicia: "Sure, bitch. None taken. You know what's high school? Trying to get at him through me right now, even though you broke up nine years ago. Talk about high school."
Celeste: "...I may also be smitten, to be honest. That was a good one."
A portal to Hell opens up in the middle of the room and David Lee rises into the air with a pitchfork and just floats there surrounded in flames and totally fucking flips out on her.
DAVID LEE FLIPS OUT:
David Lee: "[Flips out.]"
Alicia: "Um, you said I could pick who I wanted. Also, did you not see our colleague sitting right here? The one from outside the firm? The one I really need to believe I'm in a position of strength in this firm so she doesn't come after me with her laser craziness?"
David Lee: "[Flips the hell out.]"
Alicia: "Your niece is good. Good lawyer on paper, good in an interview. She'll find a great job immediately."
David Lee: "[Flips out so bad.]"
Alicia: "I'm pretty sure that's actually the definition of nepotism..."
David Lee: "-- GRRAHH! Don't you dare cross me again! You are a third-year associate, you maggot. You were given this task because you are unimportant, and you can take a fucking hint. So take the hint, or I will pull your heart out of your chest and feed it to you while children scream!"
David Lee and his infernal Bluetooth abruptly vanish back into the Hell portal and all that's left is like wisps of smoke and the smell of sulfur and thunder in the distance and Celeste is all, "What happens right now is that we are going to go get a drink right now," and Alicia's like, "You might have to carry me to where the liquor is, but oh yeah."
WHERE THE LIQUOR IS
Celeste: "You know the best revenge?"
Alicia, for real: "Hide his Bluetooth?"
It's a funny line, as written, but even funnier to imagine that this is literally the most awful thing Alicia Florrick could do to a person, like, "You know what would really get his goat? If we bought all the Dr Peppers out of the machines on our floor, before he gets to work tomorrow. Dr Pepper's his favorite, he'll blow his top! It'll be a scream!"
Celeste: "Hire his niece, and then make her life hell."
Alicia: "That is actually a very good plan."
Celeste: "Like you would ever do that."
Alicia: "I would totally do that. I do complicated mean schemes all the time. I am not a good person."
Celeste: "Please. You obviously are. You're cool. I just don't like women, they're boring."
Alicia: "(Drunk pseudofeminist hackles raised, as though that sentiment carries any weight whatsoever beyond "Check out my transparent neurosis," which she immediately explains.)
Celeste: "I don't like women. They're all competing with me."
Alicia: "Don't men compete with you?"
Celeste: "Not really."
Which, this recap is already pretty long, but: You are always going to be sexualized. That is not going away. And it's not even the problem, because it's true of every person without regard to gender or sexuality: The problem is that men are on top, and have had several thousand years to develop a complex sociological system to ensure that they stay on top, which is where the inequality comes in, because your body becomes their weapon.
(My point of entry into all of this is that, as a gay man, your body and personhood are just as threatening to this system of power as a woman's, so you're subject to a lot of the same punishments and requirements as a woman, complicated by certain other privileges that you get for being a man, the same way other rights and privileges go exclusively to women. This particular part of the equation, however, is the same. I say this not to complain, but because when I talk about this stuff it comes off as talking about feminism -- which can often get, as a man writing for mainly women, dicey -- so I want to be clear that all I'm talking about is real, empirical life.)
So in a male-run industry, which is every industry because see above re: men, you have to have in your toolbox ways of dealing with this obvious, omnipresent thing. And they're broadly generational, but always specifically personal: You can be a Diane, with that firmly patrician indulgence of it that says, "Okay boys, now back to work," and that's fine. You can be a Kalinda, who sees it as just another way to achieve what she was already doing, which is controlling your mind, and in my opinion that's the best way. You can be an Alicia, which most of us are to an extent, and involves staring through the person at objects on the other side of the person until they stop it, like with Colin. Or, you can be the one that was missing before now: The Celeste.
Someone who is so blatantly oppositional and so used to sexualizing everyone, including herself, that it comes off as scary and jagged. The Walking Hatefuck. So yeah, men aren't competing with her on any level that registers as competitive, because she ruins the curve by getting there first so they can't use it to dehumanize her... But opens her up to conflict with women, because she is a traitor and a Bechdel heretic, but also because she's grossly forcing a question for which most of us spend the majority of the day finding workarounds. To stay level and safe, socially, part of it is making sure everybody gets out alive, and she's ... not interested in that. She is as radioactive to women as non-men are radioactive to the prevailing hierarchy, which comes with its own privilege trade-off.
Celeste: "How about you, do you have female friends?"
Alicia: "...No."
Celeste: "See?"
Alicia: "No, I don't have any male friends either. I used to have a couple of each, but no."
Celeste: "That's so sad. I'd be your friend, but I can't. Because Will. I don't like you being with him. I'm gonna break you two up!"
Alicia: "Oh my God, why do I like this lady so much all of a sudden?"
Celeste: "I'ma break you up by telling you his secrets. I'm pretty sure that I'm the worst thing going, so anything I have in common with him will shrivel your nuts."
Alicia: "You have no idea the size of my rat. Go for it."
Celeste: "No, I can't actually, because I do like you. You are awesome."
Alicia: "You coward, you just feel like you built it up too much! If it's not the worst thing in the world, then you'll feel like a fool. I'm sure he hasn't buried any hobos in the desert."
Even drunk, she won't say "hooker." She'll say "hobo," a colloquialism that she just invented, but "hooker" is just a little too much for old Alicia.
Celeste: "Oh, that's ancient history anyway. And it was only $45,000. And he put it back."
Alicia: "You're so bad at this!"
But: Is she?
Celeste: "I know. I'm sorry. I'm transparent as cellophane!"
...But: Is she really?
Suddenly, Celeste spots a guy in the bar and decides to go have sex with him. Alicia's appropriately shocked, in that Kalinda way she used to be, but I don't know. I suddenly miss Celeste already.
Celeste: "Just remember, Will is like me. He'll always disappoint you."
SWEENEY
Long time getting Apeneck ready for the deal: This guy Garfield Park got hit last week and Pike needs to admit he ordered it, and then Sweeney's free and clear, assuming he lives through the twenty minutes. He's not really feeling too trustworthy about the snipers or whatever, for a variety of reasons; he looks right at her when he says it.
"When things happen, Mrs. Florrick, they happen fast."
Continuing to blow the ASA and AUSA's minds, Alicia does her Horse Whispering thing about how she'll be right here the whole time, please don't get yourself killed, and once he's gone -- and making a real bad start at a convo with Pike -- she flutters her hands (not really, but Alicia's imperceptible version) and is already planning his funeral and it's really quite sweet.
Not only because her feelings about Colin Sweeney are some of the most important feelings she ever has, and because he's the most dramatically and absolutely "evil" person of the show, and because he -- because the mystery of him -- appeals to a part of her that can't ever see the light but makes her very good at her job, and not just because he's a test of her compassion, which is like Jesus porn to me, but because when it comes down to it, she really doesn't want to see a dude get shanked.
Even though it was Kalinda who found him and Diane who pulled the trigger and Cary who agreed to the deal and "Peter" who added the wire, somehow all of this -- Colin Sweeney -- is Alicia's responsibility. Because he likes her, and because she's Alicia, she has to, because somebody has to.
Attraction and repulsion are actions of the exact same, universal force. David Lee is a viper, and her protector, both; Celeste is her enemy and her very first friend, both. Everybody's so complicated, but not Colin Sweeney: He just likes her. Is there such a thing as a True South? That's Colin. He's her anti-Big Dipper. How could she not like him? I don't see how you couldn't.
I would love him, if I were her. Somebody has to.
DONNA BRAZILE
"I like him." Hey, so does Donna Brazile. "He has a good story." Donna does not disagree. "Prison, wrongful conviction, back from the dead. He'd make a good keynote. He speaks well." Sure thing, Donna agrees. I could look at her all day long. So then?
Donna: "I just don't want him to blow up in our face."
Well, Eli is aghast. Blow up how? Blow up when? And when it comes, it comes from a strange direction.
Brazile: "His marriage."
Eli: Treads carefully.
Brazile: "I'm hearing they live apart. And if I'm hearing it, the Republicans are hearing it, too."
Eli: "If they were hearing it, they'd use it."
Brazile: "No, they would do what we would do. Release it the day before he speaks."
When things happen, they'll happen fast.
Brazile: "And when he runs for governor, they will use it. They will use all of it -- not just on him, but his wife, too."
Eli: "Please don't blackball us. I desperately want to come to the Ball! How about I promise you that they will stay together?"
Brazile: "That's an effed-up promise to make. Are you sure?"
Eli: "I will burn that house down to make sure they stay together."
Brazile: "Then we'll consider him for keynote. Eli, I like him. He's a thoroughbred. But I just can't risk... Risk."
SWEENEY
Ten minutes left in the Yard, and Sweeney randomly goes for it with such gusto that even Cary gets a little scared -- "I want to know about Garfield Park," he blurts -- and there's a bit of a chicken game between Alicia and Cary about whether he's going to rescue Colin, but then Colin goes for it: "I need your help. You know what they did, they took my company from me! I have money, and I want the man who did this dead. Gerald Drescher. He used to be my vice president, until he stabbed me in the back. How much would it cost?"
Which puts his little prancing act earlier in the episode, pouting about his company, in a whole new light... But only if this isn't an act. It's Colin Sweeney. Why not arrange a hit while you're managing your own early release and wearing a wire? Why not multitask it? I mean, how ridiculous. But is it? I'm just saying, this conversation might look a lot different when they find Drescher's body during Sweeps year:
Cary, smirking: "A hit on his vice president, huh?"
Alicia, rolling her eyes: "Come on, he had to say something."
L/G
Colin Sweeney: Free and clear. Couldn't stop grinning meaningfully at Alicia every time he said something even vaguely creepy; it was kind of awesome. But not as awesome as the warm way she almost-smiled back.
Class Action: Settled! Terms not important, I guess.
Eli: "Good job! On whatever you did. Can we talk sometime?"
Alicia: "Ugh, about what?"
Eli, still overclocked: "The future! What else?"
Alicia: "Yeah, that sounds portentous."
Eli: "It's about sternly forcing your arm behind your back until you let Peter come live with you again. By then I will have discovered your affair with Will, his dalliance with Kalinda, and I will be so fed up with you both that there is no telling how fucking far I will take it. You think I'm imperious and hard to take now? Wait until I feel like you two bastards are taking me down with you. The heavens will shudder. And God help you if this interferes with my budding relationship with Kalinda. Not even Diane could save you then. Owen, David Lee, Finn and Patti Nyholm working with a private security firm couldn't save you, if that happens. Future, no future. All the same to me. Your move, Florrick."
MARTHAS & CAITLINS
Alicia: "So let's talk about the job I still haven't quite offered you yet."
Martha: "What are you talking about? They already decided. I didn't get the job here. I turned down my other job because I thought I had this, and now... I can't believe this. Why am I even here?"
Alicia: "Who told you this nonsense?"
Martha: "The hiring committee. They called, they said they voted and I just barely lost. So you tell me what happened, lady. You tell me."
WHAT HAPPENED
Uncle David: "Now, your office is on the 27th floor, but I want to show you around here first... Oh look, it's your mentor Alicia! Say hello to Alicia!"
Caitlin: "Thank you so much for choosing me, I really can't wait to work with you and learn from you just like you continue to learn from Diane!"
Alicia, glaring daggers at David over poor Caitlin's head: "Yeah, that sounds great."
Alicia: "What. The. Fuck."
Will: "Alicia, it was a mess."
Alicia: "No. Why even put me through this charade if you guys were just..."
Will: "David Lee appealed, over your head, to the committee. It wasn't a charade. He just worked it after, and the committee voted. It happens."
Alicia: "Okay, It Just Happens guy. How did you vote?"
Will: "What? Who? Salty snacks. Chelsea boots. Who?"
Alicia: "Somebody told me you would disappoint me, and now look at you. Ol' Crazypants has a gift for clairvoyance."
Will: "That is not what this is. Yeah, I voted with David. But please don't ask me why. I owed him. You don't want to know."
Alicia: "I can take it. Your darkest secrets, the worst things you ever..."
Will: "No, I'm not embarrassed by it, I just don't think you want to know."
Alicia: "You gave me a job, and you took it away. This goes beyond my hurt feelings. Give me something back."
Fine. You know she's not giving this up, so he spills -- the respectful thing to do -- and this is what went down: Alicia was the Caitlin. Fifteen-year gap in her resumé, no connections, just an old quasi-boyfriend on the board of a big firm and a whole lot of gumption and excitement and moral superiority. There was a Martha, better on paper, but Will loved her, so David voted with Will. The end. What are you going to say after that?
Alicia, honestly: "Thank you."
I mean, thank you. Thank you for believing in me then, thank you for telling me this now, thank you for letting me yell at you about it, thank you for being willing to let me be pissed at you for an unknown amount of time just so that I didn't have to know that I'm not the Martha. Thank you.
Will, out the door: "Caitlins often surprise you!"
When things happen, they'll happen fast. For Caitlins, same as anybody, and I hope that's going to be a battle. We need a female Cary to keep her on her toes. To surprise her, often. He meant to be encouraging, comforting, but really it's the opposite.