|
8-3 2004.10.06 |
Heather Is A Loser Heather and Mary come back. Heather leaves again. |
| Ep. | Title | Air/Pub'l | Author |
| 8-3 Recap |
Heather Is A Loser Heather Is A Loser - Heather and Mary come back. Heather leaves again. |
2004.10.06 2004.10.12 |
Kim |
| 8-2 Recap |
Leina Has Left the Building Leina Has Left the Building - Byron moves into the women's mansion, and Leina splits because she loves someone else. Four more women get eliminated. |
2004.09.29 2004.10.04 |
Kim |
| 8-1 Recap |
The Bassmaster The Bassmaster - The women choose Byron, and Byron eliminates ten women. |
2004.09.22 2004.09.28 |
Kim |
| 7-7 Recap |
Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On Djb's Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas! - Whatever. Jesse's castrating, pearl-clutching, evil WASP mom is really only in this episode for a few minutes, but Djb wanted to put that index title there to remind everyone that Fountains Of Wayne is actually a really good band. |
2004.05.19 2004.05.21 |
Djb |
| 7-6 Recap |
A Fantasy Suite In The Lincoln Bedroom Taller Than The Washington Monument - Washington D.C.! The birthplace of our nation. And, according to this show, the birthplace of romance. Go there with someone you hate today. |
2004.05.12 2004.05.16 |
Djb |
| 7-5 Recap |
A Wrong Turn On The Southern State Gun Shy - Andrews, Texas. Paul's Valley, Oklahoma. Ech. No wonder people hate America. |
2004.05.05 2004.05.09 |
Djb |
| 7-4 Recap |
Jenny Jenny, Who Can I Turn To? Marching Orders - Not Jenny, that's who. Because you don't listen, Jesse. BECAUSE YOU DON'T LISTEN! |
2004.04.28 2004.05.03 |
Djb |
| 7-3 Recap |
Spy In The House Of Love Spy In The House Of Love - Trish is a whore, and the other women stone her to death. |
2004.04.21 2004.04.27 |
Kim |
| 7-2 Recap |
Your Trish Your Trish Is On His List Spy Vs. Not Spy - Trish is also in Jesse's pants. And his wallet. And...his heart? |
2004.04.14 2004.04.18 |
Djb |
| 7-1 Recap |
The Hell Nine Yards I Spy - Football, basketball, baseball, and equestrian all become one generically uber-sized MegaSport when it comes to mixing metaphors about back-up quarterback Jesse Palmer. We'd call this episode a "touchdown," but we're not sure Jesse's ever gotten one, so he might not know what that is. Also? This episode is not a touchdown. |
2004.04.07 2004.04.11 |
Djb |
| 6-7 Recap |
Circle Gets The Square Once In Love With Ian - Actually, Square gets the Circle. Actually, Square gets no one. Actually, Circle just gets Ian. |
2004.02.25 2004.02.28 |
Djb |
| 6-6 Recap |
Loser Is As Loser Does Island Of Tropic Diseases - Try a little tenderness, Meredith. Try a little ANYTHING, Meredith. Just don't try pretending you like Chad. It's embarrassing. |
2004.02.18 2004.02.21 |
Djb |
| 6-5 Recap |
Save The Drama For Yo Mama Home On Deranged - Lanny's mom preaches, Matthew's mom rhymes, Chad's mom makes his bed for him, and Ian's mom disappears on cue. Good job, Meredith. Describing all of these guys in terms of their mothers is an excellent sign. |
2004.02.11 2004.02.13 |
Djb |
| 6-4 Recap |
Lanny, Get Your Gun One On One's So Slow - Your love gun, that is, you seafood-saut�ing stud, you. |
2004.02.04 2004.02.06 |
Djb |
| 6-3 Recap |
Sssssssssh! Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick - Ryan M., seriously. The giraffes can't take it anymore. |
2004.01.28 2004.01.30 |
Djb |
| 6-2 Recap |
Spare Me Bowlers And Bowling - Bowling is supposed to be nasty and foolish and sloppy and drunk, so you wouldn't think it would work inside a mansion, right? But seriously, with Rick and Meredith creeping up the place, they insure it will be all of the above. Hey! Save me the small orange ball! Oh, wait. That's just Rick's head. |
2004.01.21 2004.01.23 |
Djb |
| 6-1 Recap |
She's A Bad Nana Jama House Of Bland And Groggy - The Ghost Of Dead Grandmas Past haunts the first ten minutes of this episode, after which time it descends into an exact retread of every previous season of this show. That's why Djb didn't feel so bad aping his index-page headline from last season. Because seriously? It's the identical show. |
2004.01.14 2004.01.16 |
Djb |
| Extra |
I Don't Marry Me A Lot - And I can't. And I won't. And I think we should see other reality shows. Because this is NOT working out. |
2003.12.11 2003.12.15 |
Djb |
| Extra |
Lamb, Meet Slaughter Trista And Cryin' - Ryan bawls like a small child and it's all very pathetic. |
2003.12.03 2003.12.09 |
Djb |
| Extra |
Death Wears A Sweater Set Pretty In Peenk - Don't fear the reaper. For she will introduce you to people who let you taste delicious cakes. |
2003.11.26 2003.11.29 |
Djb |
| 5-9 Recap |
Low Interest Rate Two Become One - One of the remaining two girls fosters a "connection" with Bob's family based on the fact that she does something with mortgages and he does something with mortgages. In the perfect illustration of this episode's inability to hold an audience's attention, Djb can't remember if that was the winner or the loser. |
2003.11.19 2003.11.21 |
Djb |
| 5-8 Recap |
Friendster Is For Suckers! The Women Tell All - With a lack of anything better to do during this deathly slow reunion special, Djb resorts to discussing how he can't get laid. |
2003.11.12 2003.11.14 |
Djb |
| 5-7 Recap |
Northern Overexposure Me Estella, Eugene - Fantasy Dates to the north, south, and creamy nougat center of North America confirm Mary as the loser, Estella as the dark horse, and Kelly Jo as the perky next-Bachelorette-in-training. |
2003.11.05 2003.11.08 |
Djb |
| 5-6 Recap |
�Hola Again! Death Becomes Them - Why is Mary still on this show? Remove the feeding tube, Florida. It's OVER. |
2003.10.29 2003.11.04 |
Djb |
| 5-5 Recap |
Mary, Mary, Why Ya Buggin'? This Is Getting Old - Mary cries crocodile tears, even though Djb is not entirely sure of what "crocodile tears" are. Isn't it when you cry and you're also old, scaly, and reptilian? If so, Mary cries crocodile tears. |
2003.10.22 2003.10.24 |
Djb |
| 5-4 Recap |
Divas Live Lee-Ann Freaks Out - Lee-Ann drips diamonds and the other girls drip venom as Bob's least compatible lady sails on a transvestite cruise ship. |
2003.10.15 2003.10.18 |
Djb |
| 5-3 Recap |
Skinny Amy It's My Bachelor Party And I'll Cry Because I'm Crazy And/Or Sad About The Sudden Death Of My Grandmother - Bob plugs his band and Djb plugs his ears. |
2003.10.08 2003.10.10 |
Djb |
| 5-2 Recap |
No Chris is Good Chris The Chris/Miss Party - It is now officially, contractually sanctioned to find the existence of Chris Harrison worthy of putting us all in a really bad mood. |
2003.10.01 2003.10.03 |
Djb |
| 5-1 Recap |
She's A Bad Mama Jama It's So Nice To Finally Meet You! - "Bad" in a good way, of course. After all, this is Bob s mother we're talking about here, and Bob is very close with his family. That's just the way Bob rocks the slang up here in this hizzy. |
2003.09.24 2003.09.28 |
Djb |
| 4-9 Recap |
WASP Bites Sibling Bling Rivalry - In a creepy domestic twist on Othello, a man plants the seeds of jealousy inside a previously pure spirit, and the results are...well, Bill-tastic. The next Bachelor? Should totally be Bill. |
2003.05.18 2003.05.20 |
Djb |
| 4-8 Recap |
Recapping the Recap The Women Tell All - Previously on The Bachelor...this. |
2003.05.14 2003.05.17 |
Djb |
| 4-7 Recap |
Aloha, Oy Bowling for Dullards - Three overnight dates, three discreet camera exits when things get...well, when they get all overnighty. (Okay, two discreet camera exits and one dose of panting.) Adios, Tina Fabulous -- the wispy thread of personality you periodically displayed was far too much for Andrew Firestone, Captain of the S.S. Snoozebomber. |
2003.05.07 2003.05.13 |
Miss Alli |
| 4-6 Recap |
I Don't Give a Damn 'Bout the Whole State of Michigan Life (x4) - 'Cause I'm from Ohio. And so is Jen. And maybe some other people, too. Whatever. All those states look the same. |
2003.04.30 2003.05.03 |
Djb |
| 4-5 Recap |
Seventy-Minute Man Tennis, Everyone? - If you can't tell a story in the time allotted, you need to switch to a genre in which some kind of "overtime" is permitted. |
2003.04.23 2003.04.25 |
Djb |
| 4-4 Recap |
So, You Don't Like Italian? When You're Here, You're Family - Andrew will not be having the special, thanks. |
2003.04.16 2003.04.20 |
Djb |
| 4-3 Recap |
Djb Hates Rich People Self-Respect, Or Shaq Thereof - And here are about a thousand reasons why. |
2003.04.09 2003.04.11 |
Djb |
| 4-2 Recap |
Retreading Water Spill the Whine - Even Jesus couldn't turn tires into wine. |
2003.04.02 2003.04.04 |
Djb |
| 4-1 Recap |
Welcome to the Steel Wheels Tour The Bachelor Revealed - Because so much is riding on your tires. |
2003.03.26 2003.03.30 |
Djb |
| 3-7 Recap |
Worshipping False American Idols Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers - What if you threw a surprise reality-show finale and nobody came? |
2003.02.19 2003.02.22 |
Djb |
| 3-6 Recap |
Uncontrolled Substances The Men Tell All - Videotaped footage of a grown man urinating on his own bed is burned on our retinas forever. It just makes that whole cocaine-bust thing pale in comparison, doesn't it? |
2003.02.12 2003.02.15 |
Djb |
| 3-5 Recap |
The Biorhythm Method You're All I Overthink About - Russ gets his aura read and his ego shattered, and Rhymin' and Sideshow Charlie get...well, laid. |
2003.02.05 2003.02.08 |
Djb |
| 3-4 Recap |
A Room of One's Own A Very Very Very Fine House - You could fit all of the action of this episode into Greg's studio apartment. And you could wipe that sneer off your face when you do it, young lady. |
2003.01.29 2003.02.01 |
Djb |
| 3-3 Recap |
Ryan's Hope Oh, The Humanity! - "I like rocks. Rocks are gray. When you talk to a rock. They always say..." |
2003.01.22 2003.01.25 |
Djb |
| 3-2 Recap |
Encino Evil Chargers: A Million / Dorks: Eight - Yeah, um, hi everyone. I'm Guy. Who the hell are all you people? |
2003.01.15 2003.01.18 |
Djb |
| 3-1 Recap |
Slice Up the Beefcake Debut - Twenty-five eligible blue-collar bohunks in varying degrees of cheap suits make their first plays for Trista's heart. |
2003.01.08 2003.01.11 |
Djb |
| 2-9 Recap |
Congratulations! Now, Go Away. May The Best Ass Win - Aaron asks Helene to marry him. Can we talk about something else now? |
2002.11.20 2002.11.25 |
Shack |
| 2-8 Recap |
14:56...14:57...14:58... The Women Tell All - The rejected women return to blather, bicker, and bore us all with justifications for their desperate, pathetic, or just-plain-crazy behavior. Don't you ladies have a Blind Date casting call to get to? |
2002.11.13 2002.11.17 |
Shack |
| 2-7 Recap |
He Did It All for the Nookie Wet, But Not Very Wild - Aaron pretends that he still has doubts about which bachelorette he wants in order to wrangle make-out sessions from the three who are left. Then he dumps Gwen, the one who didn't wave her ass in his face while wearing a bikini. |
2002.11.06 2002.11.10 |
Shack |
| 2-6 Recap |
What, No Dowries? Fun For The Whole Family - Gwen's, Helene's, and Brooke's families all think Aaron's great and that he's making their respective loved ones happy. Angela's roommate hates him and her family couldn't care less about him. Guess who gets eliminated? |
2002.10.30 2002.11.04 |
Shack |
| 2-5 Recap |
Grim, Scary Tales Cult of (No) Personality - Gwen plays Cinderella. Heather plays Ursula. Brooke plays (Southern) Belle. Angela and Hayley play those two people in the background who don't get any lines. Helene just plays Aaron. |
2002.10.23 2002.10.27 |
Shack |
| 2-4 Recap |
Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me? Love Means Never Having To Say You're Crazy - Aaron likes Helene's ass and Brooke's insecurities, but doesn't like Christi's mental instability or Shannon's...something. We never really got to know her, anyway. Brunette Heather slips on her second face when Brooke isn't around. And some women freak because Aaron gave Helene his phone number. Maybe he'll let her wear his letter jacket soon. |
2002.10.16 2002.10.22 |
Shack |
| 2-3 Recap |
The Witless Bride Leaving Normal - Christi pouts and rolls her eyes and tries to poison Aaron against Suzanne, then has a insane crying hissyfit when Anindita calls her out on it. It's a fairy tale, all right -- one where people get shoved into ovens or mauled by wild animals. |
2002.10.09 2002.10.13 |
Shack |
| 2-2 Recap |
Music Hath Charms to Rouse the Savage Breasts Hello. I Love You. Won't You Tell Me Your Name? - Aaron plays the piano and kicks out the women with small boobies and the ones who indicate that they have minds of their own. |
2002.10.02 2002.10.06 |
Shack |
| 2-1 Recap |
Love Is in the Heir The Bachelor Revealed - A small-town daddy's boy is looking for a new toy: a pretty girl who doesn't know the difference between "genuine sincerity" and "smug self-satisfaction." Fortunately for him, nobody involved with this show seems to know, either. Also, Alex and Amanda are still faker than an aluminum Christmas tree. |
2002.09.25 2002.09.29 |
Shack |
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