Props to Miss Alli's Mom, who taped this so that I wouldn't be completely hosed by the moronic scheduling decisions of NBC, which seems determined to drive me to drink (not that it takes much) by running the first twenty minutes of this against the last twenty minutes of Survivor. Bite me, NBC. And play nice.
Previously on Raising the Barfly: Times Square brought news that the teams would each be responsible for managing a night at Planet Hollywood. Extremely short skirts and stiletto boots, you will not be shocked to hear, ensued. Oh, and so did efforts to get people so drunk that they wound up in the hospital having 150-proof stomach acid pumped out of their bellies. Business management is all about good judgment, you know. The men, on the other hand, spent a lot of time randomly harassing people on the street, trying to force them to do things no one wants to do. Seduce family, for one thing. Go inside Planet Hollywood, for another. Kwame and Troy pulled an ethically queasy stunt to capitalize on people's absurd hunger to run up to fame and lick it all over until it begs for mercy. Nick and Bill thought the line was crossed; Troy and Kwame insisted they were dancing just on the acceptable side, albeit drunkenly, and with their asses occasionally crossing the invisible plane. The men unsurprisingly got trounced, because the amount of money it takes to get the autograph of a professional athlete is ultimately no match for what it costs in booze to find Heidi funny. The women received a lukewarm talking-to for making every single task into a bordello tour, and ultimately, Kwame brought Nick and Bowie to the final table in the Boardroom. When Trump got his hands on the boys, he was unhappy with Nick for checking out of the task, and unhappy with Kwame for poor management, but he was underwhelmed by Bowie to the point where he was the one to go. Bye, Bowie. You were excellent in the "Dancing In The Streets" video, by the way. "Who will be fired tonight?"
Credits. "Money money money moooo-ney!"
We fade in on S4, where the usual Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch is underway, all the candidates anxious to see who was booted. Assorama bitches in her old red-shirt interview -- which I think is from all the way back at Episode 2 -- that everyone else seems to think they're supposed to like each other, but that she has concluded that every trip to the Boardroom will eliminate someone. She doesn't explain why those things are contradictory, but whatever. I have a feeling she doesn't exactly seek out the harmonious answers to these things. Nick and Kwame return somewhat subdued from the Boardroom, and Amy interviews that she "was really surprised when Bowie didn't come back." She says that everyone had expected that it would be Nick who was fired, which isn't all that illogical, considering that Nick basically punked out on his team halfway through the task. I'm still a little puzzled that that didn't bother Trump more than it did. Nick hugs Heidi, saying that he had expected to be fired himself, and then, of course, heading to the bathroom to wipe the liquid shimmer off his lapel. Heidi then interviews that she thinks the morale on VersaCorp is "pretty bad." What with the four consecutive losses, you know. I'm telling you, nothing gets past this girl. She says she thinks the boys are aware that they're doing something wrong, but that they can't figure out what. Again, I have to compliment her perceptiveness, because otherwise, I would have figured the men didn't feel at all concerned. The Oracle of Heidi, last heard telling us that Sam would not be fired, continues to impress.
Boyfriend Bill and Troy talk outside, and Boyfriend Bill says that he doesn't want to look back on the experience and feel like the guys "cut each other's throats." He and Troy exchange a quick hug of the "I like you just enough to tolerate you for my own purposes, mwah-hah-ha" variety, and Troy says that the men are "still a team." Troy interviews that they're all very competitive guys, and that they're on a streak of four consecutive losses, so obviously, that hurts. There's really not much more for the guys to do except change the name of their team to Job. Elsewhere, Katrina asks Nick whether he's looking to "prove that men can still prevail," and he says he is. "I feel your pain," she grins, for no particular reason. I don't know; maybe she also wants to prove that men can still prevail. Nick interviews that Trump basically put it to him last time to lead the team this time, and he says that when he delivers the win, it'll be especially satisfying and make him look especially good on the heels of the four defeats. The sun -- oh, sorry, the Trump National Sun -- sets and rises. Oooh, pretty -- gold-plated.
The morning, Assorama answers the jangling silver phone. I kind of wish she'd pick it up and say, "This is Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth," but then the show would be over. Actually, if she said, "Hello, you have reached Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, good morning," she'd have a haiku. Anyway, she's told that all the candidates have to meet with Trump in the Boardroom in one hour, and that the project managers should sit directly in front of Donald. Boyfriend Bill is just waking up and looking at his watch. I think they're not so much with the early rising in S4. It's all that late-night "strategizing." Everybody gets up and gets ready, with the blow-drying and the eyeliner and the plotting of one's future as a guest on Hollywood Squares. Kristi interviews that she was excited to "see what was coming ." Hey, it's morning. Maybe there will be Pop-Tarts.
Everyone strolls into the Boardroom. Carolyn and someone who is not George sit at the ends of the table, and then Trump walks in. He tells them that "George is on a big important business trip," which I guess the candidates are not smart enough to understand, and he says that instead, Bernie Diamond -- one of Donald's many lawyers -- will be sitting in. Feh. Bernie is no George. He kind of looks like the guy who would try take George's job and find himself abruptly crushed under the wheels of George's Giant Caddy of Justice. Trump summarizes that it's only the fifth week of a thirteen-week process, and that the men are already toast. (He doesn't say "toast," but again, I think I am on a breakfast theme.) Therefore, there's now going to be what Trump calls a "corporate reshuffle." Kristi and Nick -- in whom Trump obviously has taken a special interest -- will now choose teams. Nick has to start by choosing a woman, and Kristi has to start by choosing a man. Each team will wind up with two men and four women. Nick's first pick is Amy -- good choice. Kristi's first pick is Troy -- not a bad pick, but not the right pick, either. The right pick was Boyfriend Bill, and it would be totally obvious, had she been paying attention. Trump makes a big deal out of how surprised he is by that pick, which I think does two things: (1) insults Troy; and (2) expresses that Trump agrees with me about Boyfriend Bill, because I'm pretty sure he's not saying he can't believe Kristi didn't pick Kwame. Nick leaps at the chance to pick Boyfriend Bill now, for himself. (Oh, not like that.) (That would be a good episode, though. Hey, they did promise nookie week.) Kristi picks Jessie, which I think is a pick based on friendship, because...Jessie? Although honestly, I like so few of the women that I'm not sure once Nick took Amy that there was very much Kristi could have done. Pick...Katrina, maybe, but after that? Yeah. The pickings, they are slim, and they all involve a generous side helping of crazy. Nick takes Katrina, and Kristi takes Kwame. Nick picks Ereka; Kristi picks Heidi. Nick looks back and forth between Tammy and Assorama -- looking like he's thinking there must be another girl he can pick from -- but he finally picks Tammy, leaving Assorama to Kristi's team. The killer thing about that process was that there's a big, big drop-off between the best available guy -- Boyfriend Bill -- and the rest of the guys. There's also a big drop-off between the best woman -- Amy -- and the rest of the women. Kristi managed to miss out on the one of those at which she had a shot, so Nick got both of them. Furthermore, Kristi took Heidi. On purpose. And almost made it look like a sane decision. How can the women be winning when they all seem like dopes? Anyway, Kristi's team is still called Protégé, and Nick's is still VersaCorp.