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It's another leg in the UAE, and it starts by making the racers use their Viking coins from Norway to puzzle out the entry codes to the product-placed SUVs they'll be driving for the day. Leo & Jamal hold onto their lead as the teams have to take a dune buggy ride, and Nicky & Kim expand their lag as they get stuck and burn out their vehicle's clutch, forcing them to switch buggies. Travis & Nicole beat Leo & Jamal to the location of the clue, which is sending them to the Detour. There, the ER docs use both their Express Pass and the U-Turn, burning the Afghanimals for their pointless and obvious lying. With a commanding lead, Nicole completes a river-rafting Roadblock that requires her to leap for overhanging flags from a moving raft, and the ER docs chalk up another win.
The race goes less smoothly for the other teams, however. At the Detour, they have to either dress up a fancy show-camel for display, or prep a bunch of ingredients for what looks like a traditional chicken soup. Most teams start with the former, though most teams also have to take a second crack at it. Leo & Jamal, after seeing that Tim & Marie have finished the camel task, switch Detours, not yet realizing that they're going to have to do both anyway. The exes wander half a mile or more out of their way looking for a clue that's actually on site, allowing Jason & Amy to recover from some early navigational challenges and come in second again. When Tim & Marie do find the U-Turn, they use it on Nicky & Kim, because of how Marie is still butt-hurt over getting outplayed by them way back at the Sao Paolo airport. And then they come in third. The Afghanimals recover nicely from being U-Turned, probably because they got a head start on the cooking task before switching, and end up in fourth. Ally & Ashley have little trouble with the tasks themselves, but have navigational issues that make Jason & Amy look like Lewis & Clark, leading them to a fifth-place finish.
And finally, the Rasputins of this season, Nicky & Kim. After doing both Detours, a Speed Bump in which they have to swim across a wave pool (and trust me, Kim doesn't make that look easy), and the Roadblock, they are finally, and deservedly, Philiminated. Man, they couldn't even lose quickly.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"Much of the United Arab Emirates is barren desert," Phil volunteers over footage of same. I'm sure they'd be touched to hear him say so. "But located to the Persian Gulf, it has an abundance of crude oil." And there are the pumps churning away, until we cut to the skyline as Phil continues, "This valuable resource has led to the development of modern structures like this -- the Yas Viceroy Abu Dhabi." Phil's coming to us from the podium over the Formula 1 race track that runs through the hotel "which is now the start of the eighth leg in a race around the world."
Leo & Jamal, who won the leg, are starting this one in first place at 7:10 AM. I was hoping teams would leave in the dark, because apparently the big curved glass shroud over the hotel lights up at night. But then who would ever want to see that? The first clue of this leg tells them to drive themselves into the dunes, which is pretty vague to begin with in a country that we already know is barren desert. But we get even less information from the way Leo mumble-reads the clue. Fortunately, Phil shows up in a parking garage to hold up a satchel of Viking coins like the ones that all the teams got way back in Norway, which they will have to use to figure out the entry code to get into a product-placed SUV. It seems that each of the five coins in each pouch has a different symbol on its face, and each satchel has those symbols stenciled on it in a certain order. Once the racers put their coins in that order, the flip sides of the coins each have a digit, and punching those numbers into the number pad along the window frame will open the car. Here I was all impressed that at clue was going to carry over multiple legs, but it's just in the service of more advertorial content. I'm sure the clue doesn't tell them all that, but it does tell them to find their SUVs in garage 14 off Pit Row. And also that there's a U-Turn ahead.
Leo & Jamal are obviously pleased to be starting off in first place, and then we get a nice shot of Jamal tripping over his own feet and going sprawling while they try to figure out which direction they're going at a dead run. Jamal interviews that the other teams obviously see them as the biggest threat. Oh, yes, obviously. They find a red SUV, quickly decode the coin puzzle () and head out with Leo at the wheel. Phil reminds us that the teams are driving themselves to what the subtitle simply calls "Sand Dunes," but Phil says something that sounds like "to Ward's Boutique Insurance Village." Which doesn't seem like an exciting place at all, but they're actually going towards Bou Thib Endurance Village a totally different thing. Along the way, a fleet of dune buggies stands parked to the road with clue envelopes on the windshields. Jamal says that as long as they can stay in the lead throughout this leg they'll be fine. They are idiots, but I can't find the flaw in that logic.
Jason & Amy are starting off at 7:15 AM, and it turns out that Amy long ago decoded the coin puzzle and is able to punch it in from memory. I guess this can happen when you supply people a clue a week in advance right before giving them more than two full days of travel time with no portable electronic devices. Once they're on the road, thought, Amy tells Jason she thinks they're going the wrong way and need to get directions. But calmly. For now.
Nicole & Travis are off at 7:23 AM. Travis narrates the progress of the "power parents" progress thus far, saying they've held onto their ace, namely the Express Pass. Nicole says they will be playing it during this leg. Like it's a strategic decision and not because it expires after this leg.
Tim & Marie are the fourth team to leave, at 7:44 AM. Marie interviews that she's worried about being U-turned by Jason & Amy, due to the "little issue" with the exes stealing their cab. In fact, Marie says she would U-Turn herself in this position, so she figures they'll just have to get there first. Tim agrees to drive, adding, "Just promise you're not gonna yell at me." "Just promise you're not gonna go slow," she retorts. I don't think there are going to be a lot of promises made either way.
Nicole & Travis catch up with the Afghanimals on the highway, and talk about how they're planning to U-Turn them if they can. "We just don't like the way they've run the race with the lying," Travis says. Jamal, however, figures that Nicole & Travis have no reason to U-Turn them. Because having used a U-Turn, Leo & Jamal are not eligible to use this one, apparently. I don't get why he thinks Nicole & Travis should care about that, because it's not like teams could ever U-Turn each other back anyway.
Jason & Amy are disagreeing as to whether they should or shouldn't have taken a left, and although their voices remain calm and low, Amy's starting to mouth curse words in the back seat. Either that or her lips go blurry when she gets frustrated.
Ally & Ashley, leaving in fifth place at 7:53, learn that they get one crisp dollar for this leg. And then they're the first team to be totally stymied by the coin puzzle. "How do you unlock it with coins?" Ally wonders. Jimmy the lock with them? Smash the full pouch through the window? Rub the keys on the entry pad like a keycard at an office building? I'm pretty sure they tried at least one of these. Then baseball wives Nicky & Kim start off at 8:02 in last place, and join in trying unsuccessfully to mojo their own door open. Finally the blondes crack the code and jump in. By the way, all the codes appear to be , so if you're in the market for a free SUV with an Ecoboost™ engine and you see one parked somewhere, you might as well give it a try.
The baseball wives are right behind them, having apparently narrowed the gap. Once they're on their way, Kim says in the back seat that it's annoying to have a Speed Bump and a U-Turn in the same leg. So they could theoretically end up doing four separate tasks today. And considering that they've already come in last on two other legs where they only had two tasks, I can't imagine they would make it. At least they're aware that their current racing style is not sustainable and that they're going to have to be more competitive. "We're not bunnies any more, we're ninjas," Nicky claims. Thus they pass the blondes on the road, and the blondes are happy to follow them because there's a Speed Bump coming up anyway. Which means that actually getting ahead of the last-place team would only be so much wasted effort.
Leo's pretty excited to see the dune buggies, while Nicole & Travis are rather more businesslike. The clues tell them to simply drive into the desert and follow the Amazing Flags to their clue. The ER docs are soon helmeted up, strapped in, and peeling out into the sand with Travis at the wheel, but Jamal soon pulls out ahead of them and starts careening around the dunes recklessly. But efficiently.
Jason & Amy stop into a hotel lobby to get directions, and then we're back to the buggy race. Though Leo & Jamal seem to be the only ones actually racing, as Travis is driving more like an ice road trucker. And it leads to him getting stuck and kicking up a bunch of sand while the Afghanimals roll past them to the clue box, which is standing under a lone tree. The clue tells them to go to Al Ain Oasis, where they'll find clue envelopes hanging high overhead in date palms. This should be no problem for them, as I'm sure they date their palms all the time.
Travis manages to get his buggy loose by allowing it to slide backwards downhill. Thus he ends up getting to the clue box with Nicole in second place. The Afghanimals return to their actual car, laughing shrilly about the ER docs getting stuck. Gosh, why would anyone want to U-Turn such charming guys?Jason & Amy have found their way into the dunes, where camels are ambling along the shoulder of the highway like they're commuting to work or something. The team arrives at the dune buggies in time to see the Afghanimals driving away, and in time for Amy to exchange a few words about the upcoming U-Turn with the departing Nicole & Travis. No names are mentioned, but do they really have to be?
By the time Jason & Amy are in their buggy and ready to go, Tim & Marie have also shown up. Or, "Frigging Tim & Marie," as Amy has dubbed them. Jason tears out into the sand and quickly follows the flags to the clue, which he sends Amy out to grab while he keeps the motor running like a proper wheel-man. They've returned to the starting point by the time Marie has begun her inevitable backseat-driving. Jason & Amy get back in their SUV and go, aware of Tim & Marie not as far behind them as they used to be. Sure enough, the exes get their clue in fourth place and get going. When the two teams Tim refers to collectively as "the girls" arrive, the blondes are still following the bunnies, but not for much longer. Nicky's driving the buggy, because they seem to have figured out that of the two of them, Kim is not as good at, you know, doing things. But Nicky isn't infallible either, because she soon gets them hubcap-deep in loose sand. Just what they need this leg. She continues gunning the engine, spinning the wheels and sending up great spouts of sand into the air all around them. Kim has to tell her to stop several times lest Nicky burns through the country's entire petroleum output for the day.
The blondes, on the other hand, are enjoying their "dune riiiiiiiiide" while the baseball wives climb out of their vehicle and try to scoop sand away from the wheels with their bare hands. The current Kim-whine is about the heat, but I have to admit that when the camera pans over to point at the sun, it does look extra big today. Then the blondes blow past them, and Ashley, at the wheel, cheers, "All those years at Pismo Dunes paid off!" That's all the backstory you're getting on that, sorry. She and Ashley soon pull up to the tree with the clue box under it as Ashley happily says she has a race car driver for a partner. Seems like she could have done better at last week's Roadblock if that were the case. They get the clue in fifth place, while Kim is taking a turn at spinning her wheels. "Is that working?" she asks from between four columns of flying sand. It's really not. In fact, it's making my think that "spinning one's wheels" could become a popular metaphor for expending a great deal of energy and getting absolutely nowhere. Think it could catch on?
During the ads, a guide has shown up to help, only to tell them that they've managed to destroy their buggy's clutch. One of the baseball wives apologizes for this egregious abuse of hospitality with a heartfelt "Whoops!" Someone who did this in real life would find themselves far behind schedule and considerably poorer, but the baseball wives just get to have a new vehicle driven out to them to continue the task. "We have not driven dune buggies before," Kim interviews, "as you probably may have figured by now." We actually had. With Nicky behind the wheel of a fresh dune buggy, they find their way to the clue box and interview that they probably wouldn't do this again. Anyway, they're in last place as their clue tells them to go to Al Ain Oasis.
Leo & Jamal have already reached it, and Leo calls out the window of their car to ask directions to Gate 1. They're looking to park their car at the National Museum and then go from there, but something about that proves so tricky it causes Jamal to mispronounce the word "Labyrinth." Nicole & Travis are not only finding their own way, they're actually the first to find the five guys standing amid the date palm trees. As promised, clues are stuck in the date bunches high above. They send one to climb the tree, which he does using a strap that he throws around the trunk to pull himself up. And after he does all the work for them, they get the clue that officially puts them in first place. In other words, Leo & Jamal's master plan for this leg has already fallen apart.
"This Detour gives teams the opportunity to take part in an Emirati celebration," Phil says. For the "Wedding Guests" option, the teams will have to prepare a "ceremonial dish," after being provided with a recipe and a list of ingredients to collect and prep. Supposedly they'll bring their completed dish to a cooking station and from there to a group of wedding guests to receive their clue, but I think we know better. For "Beauty Contest," Phil says they teams will want to "pick a champion from among dozens of these wannabe beauty queens." I try not to make value judgments about people's appearance, but it seems relevant to mention that the wannabes in question are camels. So the teams will have to start by picking out a previously prize-winning camel based on a diagram outlining the accepted criteria for ungulate beauty, then dress it up and groom it all pretty to show it off to a panel of judges. Who will give them their clue if they're satisfied. ER docs are too busy trying to remain unseen for us to tell which Detour option they're choosing, but we will soon find out it's a moot point.
Amy is getting increasingly frustrated with Jason's sense of direction, pointing out that they've just gone in a big circle. Jason claims to have no idea where he is, it being the Middle East and all, and Amy explains, "When you go left four times, you're back to where you started." Does that geometry still apply in the Middle East? Isn't everything there a crescent?
Leo & Jamal are still driving, with Jamal now quite convincingly wearing on his head the desert scarf that all the drivers at the dune buggy task were issued. They're wondering where Travis & Nicole got to, and finally see them leaving. Hope you enjoyed your lead, boys.
Leo & Jamal find the tree-climbers and watch one of the guys do his thing. Tim & Marie arrive while he's still up there and send up a guy of their own. Leo & Jamal decide on Wedding Guests for the Detour, and bemoan the time it took to find the clue. Not that they know the half of it yet. The exes decide to do the Beauty Contest Detour, and Marie figures that Travis & Nicole might already be there. Which is in fact the case. Nicole & Travis have driven themselves to a fort that looks like a giant sand castle, and they tell the guy waiting outside that they're using their Express Pass. Which explains why they didn't bother choosing a Detour option. But they still have to go inside the fort, because their clue tells them to search for their clue on foot inside Al Jahili tower. I don't know why it specifies "on foot," because the only vehicle that could travel along the narrow mezzanine around the outside of the tower's base is a unicycle, and even that wouldn't get you up the stairs.
This mezzanine is of course where they find the dreaded Double U-Turn sign. Phil reminds us how the U-Turn works (which I'm not going to because you already know), and Travis decides they're going to U-Turn the Afghanimals, for lying about U-Turning the hairballs a few legs ago. We get a flashback to that moment, which is what put them on the ER docs' shitlist of one team. Now Nicole & Travis have their clue, still in first place, which is telling them to go to Wadi Adventure to find their clue. "They lied!" Travis reminds us yet again. Actually, the dishonesty of that lie bothers me less than the fact that it was both transparent and unnecessary. And now it has become actively costly as well. Why did they do that again?
Jason & Amy finally find the oasis and get a clue in fourth place. They're going with Beauty Contest. "I competed in beauty pageants for thirteen years, so if I can't dress up my contestant, I've got some serious issues," Amy tells us as she's strapping into the back of their car. This is punctuated with a shot of some camels belching into the camera, as though to emphasize just how serious those issues will turn out to be.
Leo & Jamal show up at the fort and head to the courtyard, where rows of guys are chanting and waving long sticks in some kind of ceremonial thing. They quickly find their cooking station and the recipe, and Leo tells us that he owns a restaurant and bar. "I love cooking, I'm great with knives," he says. That's a little terrifying. Jamal interviews that he figured Leo's experience could get them through this quickly. So far, Leo seems to be using his experience to boss Jamal through the gathering of the ingredients, which is probably not what Jamal counted on.
Tim & Marie get to the corrals at a different part of the fort. Which is when Marie first realizes, with some consternation, that "our beauty contestant! Is! A camel!" After a brief montage of camels making that charming noise, Tim & Marie are examining the pretty-camel chart before wandering into the herd to pick one out. Which, it being Marie, consists largely of her pointing out what's wrong with most of the camels available to them. Eventually Tim points one out that seems to meet the arbitrary standards of beauty imposed on camels by our shallow patriarchal society. "He knows it, too. He knows he's hot." They have a wrangler throw a rope around that one's neck so Tim can lead it to the dressing area. "I know, I'm not happy about it either, but let's just get it done," Tim tells the stubborn creature. The camel, I mean.
The baseball wives are stressing out about being in last place as they drive down the highway, but they're hoping that someone else might be U-Turned. "Like the Afghanimals or something." Sounds good to me. And likely. Leo & Jamal, meanwhile, are prepping and chopping, figuring that Nicole & Travis are currently doing the other Detour and didn't U-Turn them. Wrong on both counts, as we know.
Tim & Marie are trying to work with their camel. Marie is worried about getting spit on, but Tim's the one who gets a swift kick in the shin from the beast while coming around at it from one side with the camel-dress. Marie tells him to finish up, as a gun-shy Tim protests, "That didn't feel good." He's more philosophical about taking a camel-kick in the post-leg interview, saying, "Scratch it off my bucket list and move on." Marie is keeping busy brushing its mane, and with its outfit and knitted muzzle on, they lead it over to the judging panel. The camel moans at the judges a bit, like it's not even trying to impress them. And they accordingly make negative gestures and faces. "It's not beautiful?" Marie asks in surprise. Not really, Marie. It is, after all, still a camel. As Jason & Amy show up, Tim & Marie pick out a different camel, seeming confident that the problem is with the camel that has spent its whole life being a camel and not with the humans who just became camel-dressers within the past hour. Amy takes on the task of choosing hers and Jason's, and she interviews how this brought her back to her pageant days. While Jason ticks off on his fingers, Amy tells us she's a former Miss Rhode Island USA, and Miss Rhode Island Teen USA. Jason agrees that they were pretty much looking for the same features Amy has. And that interview was going so well up until then.
Nicole & Travis show up way in first place at Wadi Adventure, whose subtitle is "Raft, Kayak, Surf." "Okaaaay," Nicole says. They find the clue box near the front entrance, to Nicky & Kim's Speed Bump. "Who likes rapid transit?" Travis reads from the Roadblock clue, and Nicole is doing this one. Then we cut to Phil standing on the bank of some artificial rapids as a raft goes by with a production assistant trying to jump straight up inside the raft without falling out. The PAs are really earning their bonuses this season. Phil shouts over the current, "This Roadblock requires teams to navigate the world's largest man-made rapids!" While doing so, they'll have to jump up to grab three flags -- a red, a green, and a black -- hanging from bars over the rapids. Having done that, their raft guide will give them their clue.
One of these fellows helps Nicole into a life vest and jumps into a raft with her, doing most of the paddling while wearing a helmet-cam. Which makes more sense than putting the helmet cam on the racer, but it's not like we'll be seeing much footage from them anyway. While taking up position to wait on a bridge that passes over the stream, Travis mentions this is a class-4 rapids. Is four classes a lot? Travis seems to think it's a lot. Soon Nicole is out there with her guide, who is helpfully shouting instructions at her "Forward! Back-paddle! Get down!" She misses grabbing a flag from the first row, the red ones, and the green ones as well. "I'm not tall enough!" she realizes. Oops, maybe that Express Pass would have come in handier now.
The blondes are delivered a clue from a treetop in fifth place and opt for Beauty Contest for the Detour. They're asking directions to the fort from the guy at the gate as the baseball wives get there and have their clue collected for them in last place. Back in their car, Ally hopes that Nicky & Kim's Speed Bump will come before the Detour. Which we already know it won't, not that it matters.
Leo & Jamal are still cutting and chopping. "I love chopping!" Leo says while laughing shrilly. And yet he gets to keep the knife. The onions are starting to make him cry, but just wait until he gets to the U-Turn sign.
Tim & Marie are finishing up their second camel. "I bet you wish you had one of these for me," she remarks to Tim as she applies the camel's muzzle. She said it, not me. Tim keeps brushing its pale mane, saying, "I do like blondes." Jason & Amy are pretty much battling theirs, to the point where Jason suggests picking a different one. Amy's fine with the one they've got, even though it keeps stepping on her. Tim & Marie bring their second camel over, and after some conferring, one of the judges says, "It's okay. Is beautiful camel." So the exes have their clue in second place, after becoming the first team to complete the Detour. As they leave, Jason & Amy are leading their camel over, with some difficulty. "Do you see a tower?" Marie asks Tim as they look around the fort's courtyard. "Yeah, I see fifty towers," he says. Even before getting to the judges, Jason & Amy's camel rolls over in the sand, messing up her pretty, pretty outfit. The judges just shake their heads, which at least saves Jason & Amy the trouble of pulling it the rest of the way.
Tim & Marie are now wandering the fort, looking for the right tower. They stumble upon the area where the food task takes place and find the Afghanimals at work on it. And are nearly deafened in the process as the cousins greet them loudly. Marie asks them if they found the tower, which makes no sense because they're still doing a Detour and wouldn't even be looking for it yet. As soon as they're gone, Leo complains that this is taking longer than the Beauty Contest task, so he just drops his knife and says, "Come on." So no discussion then? Now Marie hurries Tim up, saying the Afghanimals are freaking out now that they know the exes are finished with the Detour. And indeed, they are switching tasks. They'd better hope nobody clears away their station while they're gone, because they will be back.
Jason & Amy have chosen a second, more docile camel, and admit to not having chosen well the first time. "It's not like I stared into its eyes and was like 'Ooooh, the eyelashes,'" Jason admits. "I was like, 'This'll do.'" Amy notices the arrival of the Afghanimals, who are soon working on picking out a camel of their own. Jason & Amy soon have their second one dressed up, and this time they get their clue sending them to Al Jahili Tower. Or, as Jason calls it, the "Ali Jolly Tower." That would be easier to remember.
Tim & Marie are now wandering the grounds outside the fort, wondering if they're supposed to leave the place entirely. Marie's not seeing anything that fits her definition of a tower, though the Amazing Cameraman pans over to the squat, round tower attached to the fort right in front of them. They're walking down the sidewalk, and when Tim wonders if they should take their bags, they take their backpacks out of their SUV. So with their bags out of it, it's fair game for another team to take it now, right? Even as they're talking about how stupid this is, and go running off in the wrong direction while Marie says, "I don't want to do what we normally do and run 45 minutes in the wrong direction when it was two feet from where we're supposed to be." And yet that's exactly what they're doing. It's actually kind of brilliant.
Leo & Jamal are dressing up their camel with the help of local guides, which is going well until Jamal is rocked back by a camel kick. "Tee hee!" Leo literally says before warning Jamal to look out. Helpful.
Jason & Amy get to the U-turn sign in second place and announce that they are not U-Turning anyone, then head to Wadi Adventure. Nicole, who is still in a raft there, makes a leap for the red flags and grabs not one but two, one in each hand. Not taking any chances, clearly. But will the flag-rack get restocked for the other teams if it runs out? Travis cheers her on, but she misses the green ones again, though she snags at least one black one. time around, she makes a flying leap and ends up crashing face-down in the boat, though she got a flag. Travis is proud of her and her refusal to quit, and while she is obviously soaked, they are an entire task in the lead as the clue tells them to drive themselves to the Pit Stop at Jebel Hafeet. Phil informs us, "This winding highway, with 21 corners, is considered by many the best driving road in the world, climbing four thousand feet to the top of Jebel Hafeet, the Pit Stop for this leg of the race." What a coincidence that an episode that serves partially as a car commercial wraps up on the kind of road you only see in a car commercial. The mountain is topped by what looks like a giant hotel and casino, and Phil is on the roof as he warns us what may happen to the last team to check in there. I think you know what that is.
Leo & Jamal lead their camel to the judges with some Arabic commands, and get their clue to Al Jahili Tower. A subtitle says they're in fourth place, but I still don't see how that's the case before they've completed the Detour, which technically they haven't until they finish the other task. I mean, how is that even a gray area, producers? Unlike Tim & Marie, they go right to it, but are not happy to find themselves U-Turned. "Losers," they say of the team that has won more legs than they have. Jamal interviews that he has "no idea" why Nicole & Travis U-Turned them, but claims to be even more determined to prove to the other teams that it'll have no effect on their goal of finishing first. "Boom," Leo agrees toolishly. I'm sure they'd U-Turn someone else now if they were eligible, but since they're not they return to their cooking station, where at least they have a head start now.
While driving away from the fort, Jason & Amy spot Tim & Marie running around the neighborhood on foot in search of the clue. Obviously they don't holler out directions, and Amy says they're like half a mile away from the Detour. Awesome. And we go to commercial with the exes are still wandering around cluelessly, which is even awesomer.
After the ads, Marie goes into a shop to ask the guy for directions for Al Jahili Tower. Lucky for them, he knows that it's inside the fort itself, so at least they aren't going any further in the wrong direction. I wonder if they actually did clock 45 minutes? Probably not. Which is a pity.
Ally pulls over to ask a guy with a magnificent bear-claw hairdo for directions to "Al Jih-hih Fort." Nicky & Kim pass them while they're stopped, because they know where they're going. Supposedly.
Travis and Nicole follow the signs up the world's greatest driving road to Mercure Grand Hotel, ride the elevator to the roof, and find Phil standing there at the mat with a young male greeter. That gentleman welcomes them, and Phil tells them that as the winners of this leg, they each get to pick out any Ford vehicle with an Ecoboost™ engine. "That includes the Explorer, the Escape, the Fusion, the Focus, and more." All of which, like the late, unlamented Probe, are hilarious if you put the word "Anal" before them. Phil remarks to them how "hyper-competitive" it's getting out there, and asks them about their choice to U-Turn Leo & Jamal. Travis says they burned them for lying about not U-Turning anyone else, and are feeling good about it. "It was basically our way of saying we are running this race in an honest way and you guys should be doing the same." That may be what they're saying, but I can just about guarantee that it's not what the Afghanimals are hearing. And to prove that, as Leo & Jamal are working on grinding cinnamon, they conclude that they got U-Turned for being the biggest threat. How unfortunate for them that time works the same way in the alternate universe they inhabit.
Jason stands up in the raft and grabs a green flag the way you'd grab something off a high shelf at the grocery store, then grabs the black one. Soon they're on their way to the Pit Stop. And guess what? They're in second place again.
"It's gonna be rafting," Marie says outside Wadi Adventure, and Tim shrugs that he'll do it. Jason & Amy drive away without apparently seeing them, and Jason hopes Phil is waiting for them with a cold beer. "Because we need it after this leg." Shouldn't be too hard to get his hands on a brewski on the Arabian Peninsula, right?
Tim seems to be having trouble with the rafting, saying he's done it before but not in class-4. His guide seems to be doing less actual guiding than the others did, and they're briefly hung up on a big fake rock while Marie sings out from the bridge, "Don't fall out of the ra-aft!" The raft goes spinning off the rock, and Tim asks the guide if he's all right. If he's that nice now when he's away from Marie, imagine how nice he must have been before he met her.
Leo & Jamal have finished prepping ingredients, and they call over a judge to look over the results. Holding a big silver mixing bowl, he approves their assembly of goodies and hands them the big mixing bowl to fill up. While doing so, Leo makes a lame Martha Stewart joke before they bid the baseball wives goodbye and head out to the courtyard with their freshly filled bowl. They take it out to the cooking station, dump it into a big pot, and get a freshly cooked bowl of the same stuff to deliver to the guests. Which they do, getting their clue and returning to the U-Turn sign in what is now fifth place. Even according to the subtitle.
Tim barely snags a red flag before tumbling ass-over-teakettle back into his raft. "Ha, he almost died," Marie chuckles happily. Tim gets the green flag and then just barely grabs a black one off the end of that pole, so he's done. "You played well," the guide says as he presents Tim with the clue. The exes head to the Pit Stop in third place, Marie fretting that "If they messed up for two minutes, they're right behind us." At least that's what I think she said.
Ally & Ashley are, guess what, lost again as they try to drive to Wadi Adventure, and Ashley tells Ally from the map that they're going the wrong direction and need to turn around. If there weren't a team behind them that was still going to have to complete three more tasks after the one they're currently working on, the blondes might be in trouble.
Their ingredients prepped and assembled, Nicky & Kim call for a check, hoping to have gotten it right the first time. Which they have, so their stuff is dumped into the big pot, and they happily deliver a fresh bowl to the guests, doing a lot of hugging and whooping. They're in for a rude and imminent awakening, of course. They waste little time at the U-Turn sign, but afterward, Kim interviews, "I think Tim & Marie U-Turned us because…they're mean." Good theory. Solid. When they return to the camel corral, Nicky picks out one with some nice lashes, and then nearly gets caught in the rope that's tossed over its neck. There's plenty that goes wrong for them in this leg, but at least they both avoided being lassoed to a camel.
Jason & Amy reach the Pit Stop in second place, and Phil asks them, "Do you know what team you are?" They each hold up two fingers, which are on the verge of freezing that way, they've finished second so many times. "And you would be right," Phil says, asking if they're satisfied with that today. Jason admits it was a frustrating leg. "We get frustrated when we're lost in front of home." Amy interview that the day was "pure torture." So does that mean she's not going to get to the end and claim to have loved every minute of it? Racers always say that, even when we have video of them being completely stressed out and miserable.
Nicky & Kim primp their dressed-up camel and lead it over, where the judges pronounce, "It's beautiful." They jump up and down, return to the U-Turn sign, and finally get the clue to drive themselves to Wadi Adventure. Yes, they still have a Speed Bump and a Roadblock ahead, but's it's not over yet. There's still a fair chunk of the episode to finish before they are inevitably Philiminated.
On the other hand, the blondes are still driving all the hell over the UAE, and starting to get pissy with each other. Ashley in particular has a sour expression as she rides in the back seat, and they coincidentally pass a sign for Jebel Hafeet. Which is not good, but at least we're not going to see another one of those situations where a team accidently stumbles on Phil before finishing the leg. Ally interviews that it's frustrating for both of them, dealing with a map in a foreign language and roundabouts everywhere and unfamiliar traffic lights. They're still lost as we go to break, so they're pretty lucky there's still one team that's even more hapless than they are.
They remain completely flummoxed after the ads, and they stop to ask the crew of a pulled-over truck for directions. They interview about how they're not good at driving themselves, which isn't exactly an earth-shattering revelation. "She's not a very good navigator," Ally says, and Ashley retorts that Ally's a bad driver. "I drive like I'm in a race for a million dollars. You gotta keep up," Ally says. They're soon back on their way, as Ally says, "We keep on getting great information but we don't know how to follow it." How does she know it's great, then?
Tim & Marie present themselves at the mat as team number three. Tim admits, "I'm a little mad that we didn't check that tower, you know." Phil says that they probably still had an opportunity to U-Turn another team, when he knows damn well they did just that. "We don't want to see the bunnies go because we like them," Marie says, "but after they screwed us over in the airport, that was their payback." One more time: THEY BEAT YOU. Afterward, Marie interviews that the baseball wives didn't deserve to survive another leg. "Like, enough already." Well, that I can't disagree with.
Leo & Jamal have arrived at the Wadi Adventure, now in fourth place, and Jamal takes it. "I have never been whitewater rafting but I always wanted to," he says on his way to the boats. The blondes finally find the place, amazed at themselves for having done something right at last. Ashley decides to take this Roadblock, because she is clearly over Ally being in control of things for the day. On the bridge over the rapids, Leo tells us that their "race wives" showed up, and they're happy to see them, plus Nicky & Kim still have their Speed Bump. Jamal is in the boat, grabbing a red flag. Ashley's also on the rapids, having a much better time than she did in the car with Ally as her chauffeur. But she's too timid to stand all the way up in the raft, so she misses the red flag. Like Nicole, she has an astute explanation for why this might be the case, which she shares with us here: "Holy mother!" So not actually like Nicole at all.
Nicky & Kim arrive at Wadi Adventure, still in last place, and find the Speed Bump stuck to the door waiting for them. Phil says that they'll have to jump into a wave pool and swim across it from one ladder to another. And a six-foot-tall wave will come through every ninety seconds, so they'll want to haul ass. As Phil stands over yet another put-upon production assistant who is hanging from a bamboo-and-rope ladder that gets swept several yards away by the wave but still hangs on, he says that "If they avoid wiping out and make it to the other side, they can continue racing." If? They get life jackets and helmets. Why is it a question of if? Oh, because Kim. Nicky interviews that she thought this would be easy, but then remembered that Kim is afraid of heights. And it's, like, a twelve-foot jump from the wall into the water, so Kim doesn't think she can do it. She keeps interviewing that she doesn't like heights, or jumping into water, or waves, or while Nicky sits to her shaking her head and wondering how she ended up with Adrian Monk as her teammate. After a wave goes by, Kim begs Nicky to do it first. So Nicky pushes off the wall and drops into the water, followed fairly quickly by Kim. Nicky starts leading her across the pool reminding her, "Ninja," and they're about three-quarters across when a wave hits them. I mean, they're pretty well equipped to withstand it, but Kim is acting like she's in Cast Away or something.
Jamal misses the green flag as the raft spins under him, but he does nab the black one, so he'll just have to do another lap. Ashley grabs one of the black flags that Jamal didn't take, and for his final flag, Jamal balances on the bucking raft in a clear hero-shot to grab the green one he needs. Leo wishes Ally luck and takes his leave, and the Afghanimals are leaving in fourth place. Screaming, Ashley gets a red flag on her second time around. Only one to go for her, and now there's going to be a little distance between them and the Afghanimals again, which is nice.
Nicky & Kim have reached the ladder hanging from the far side, Kim is finding it too hard to climb and gets swept off of it by the wave. Not to worry, though; Kim is dealing with this latest challenge by continuing to whine and cry. Ashley gets her last flag, so the blondes are finished with the Detour before the baseball wives have started it. Off to the Pit Stop in fifth place for them.
Kim finally manages to get herself up the ladder with much whining, followed by the much more stoic Nicky. At this point I wouldn't blame Nicky if she started whining about having to listen to Kim's whining.
Leo & Jamal get to the mat in fourth place. "We're here for the win!" Jamal boasts, "The other teams can try whatever they want. They're not going to stop Leo and I [sic] from winning this race." No, I think "Leo and I" will do that on their own. Leo adds that they have chicken blood on them from the Detour. "thing's gonna be human blood." Well, Leo, be sure to put pressure on your wound when that happens.
They're still on the mat when Ally & Ashley arrive as team number five. Phil remarks on the "affection" between these two teams, and Leo uses the phrase "race wives" again because of how that's the only thing that's getting more annoying than his constant ululating. Phil asks if anything could actually happen between them, and Jamal says, "if we finish one-two I think we could work something out." I don't have any illusions about their romantic prospects, but I think that outcome in the race is actually less likely.
Nicky is doing the Roadblock, wisely. But because there's always one more thing that can go wrong, she becomes the first racer to actually fall out of the raft, while grabbing the black flag with a green one already in her hand. She keeps holding onto one end of her paddle while the guide grips the other, until he calls out, "Let go!" I guess humans are a lot easier to fish out of the rapids than the paddles are. But Nicky climbs out into the fake riverbank with the flags, so they're done. And they finally make it to the mat, where Phil is sorry to tell them that although they were saved on two legs, they're finally being Philiminated this time. Which really should have happened several legs ago. Also a few legs ago, and a couple legs ago, and many legs ago. Kim thanks him for everything, and over their exit montage, she says she's faced so many fears and now feels like she can do anything. "And I'm going to remember what I learned on the race, that you just have to do it." Too bad she never learned how to turn off her body mic first. She feels blessed to have done this with her best friend, though there's currently no word on whether Nicky feels the same way. Phil tells them he was expecting crying from them (again), but they're smiling. They say it was great, and Kim concludes that they honored who they are and made some mistakes, but have no regrets. On their way from the mat, Nicky says, "I don't like being a ninja." Kim agrees, "Maybe we can go back to being bunnies." I wouldn't call that going "back" to anything.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.