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The tasks this week are both complicated and physically challenging, so it's a good thing there's a Fast Forward in play. However, Art and JJ and Other Rachel and Dave have each already used one, so they're ineligible for it. Those teams proceed on to a Roadblock where they have to spin ropes out of coconut husks. Seriously. But Brendon and Rachel, who start the leg in second place, figure this is their big chance to jump ahead, so they go for it. The problem is that when they get to the Fast Forward, it's a head-shaving one, like with Uchenna and Joyce back in the day. However, unlike Joyce, Rachel is too vain and insecure to part with her hair, so she and Brendon proceed to the Roadblock, now in fourth place. JJ is mortally offended by this decision, because he thinks that leaving the Fast Forward in play gives Bopper and Mark a chance to catch up, which means everyone else doesn't get to slack, I guess.
But that's only if Bopper and Mark are stupid enough to think nobody else has done the Fast Forward before them. Which, after leaving hours behind everyone else, and then doing a Speed Bump in which they have to paint a tiger on a man's belly, they decide to throw a Hail-Mary and go for it. At the same time, the other teams have proceeded to the Detour. Other Rachel and Dave, Team Big Brother, and Vanessa and Ralph all opt for a task where they dress up an elephant and then wheelbarrow its poo onto a truck, while Art and JJ make the mistake of opting to sift, load, and ship ten crates of dried ginger root, a task that proves both exhausting and time-consuming.
Meanwhile, the three lead teams finish the elephant task and race for the ferry to the Pit Stop. Dave bribes the boat captain to cast off right before the two teams behind them show up, and that's how he and Other Rachel win their sixth leg. Brendon and Rachel catch the ferry along with Vanessa and Ralph, and those two teams come in second and third before, right there on the mat, Vanessa accuses Team Big Brother of cutting corners on the Detour and a minor blow-up ensues, although the two women end up grudgingly shaking hands. Phil fixes everything.
So Bopper gets his head shaved, and Art and JJ finish the Roadblock, tired (and, in JJ's case, bloody). It's the first time I can recall a dramatic race to the Pit Stop for survival thanks to a Fast Forward, but even Bopper's new aerodynamic look isn't enough to allow them to catch up to the Border Patrol, so he and Mark will be going back to Kentucky with nothing but a trip and whatever Art and JJ decide to give them. And the final four -- Other Rachel and Dave, Art and JJ, Brendon and Rachel, and Vanessa and Ralph, probably in that order -- will face off in the two-hour finale week. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Phil opens by telling us about Colchin, India's history as a global shipping center. "And on an island near the city: Bolgatty Palace, built almost 300 years ago." Phil strides across the grounds, telling us, "This former residence of the Dutch governors is now the start of the tenth leg in a race around the world." So how many Dutch governors used to live there at one time? Because that's a pretty big house. Other Rachel and Dave won the leg, again, some more, and so they get to be the first to start this leg, at 6:53 AM. They rip the clue, which Other Rachel can't even read and which the subtitle of the destination identifies as, simply, "Temple." Phil, however, spews a mouthful of syllables I won't even try to transcribe before saying that when they get there, they'll meet with the head priest, who will bestow upon them a blessing and their clue. Other Rachel reads on, "As a sign of respect, before approaching the head priest, you must remove your shoes." I guess because despite being a head priest, he's a wizened old venerable dude who doesn't appear to own a shirt. No need to rub our superfluous apparel in his face. As they run for a cab, Other Rachel says it would be a huge disappointment not to win the million at this point, what with being the strongest team and all. "The only team that can beat us is ourselves," Other Rachel adds, like that's not a huge, huge threat.
Brendon and Rachel aren't terribly far behind, beginning the leg at 7:20 AM. Brendon interviews before the leg about how Other Rachel and Dave are the only team that can beat them, but they want to be rid of Art and JJ and Vanessa and Ralph due to their smack-talking. You'd think these two would be used to people hating them by now. Brendon concludes that they need to keep their head in the game and not be..."What's the word I'm looking for?" he prompts Rachel. "Emotional," Rachel eye-rolls. Brendon laughs at having the upper hand in that charming little exchange, even though I think the correct word is "unstable."
Art and JJ start the leg at 7:28 AM, in third place, and learn that they have $25 for this leg. That means they won't be going far, which in turn means it's going to be a bitch for Bopper and Mark to catch up to anyone. JJ talks stuffily about the lack of rest and the unceasing travel and a cold he's caught. "I think it has affected my sharpness," he admits, as though his temper's been dulled one whit. But he says it's time to "dig deep and man up and do it." The problem is that they seem to be having trouble getting a cab. And in a country with five million auto rickshaw drivers in it, no less.
Vanessa and Ralph start out at 7:32 AM, so it took the Border Patrol at least four minutes to clear the mat last week. Ralph interviews that they always race as though they're in last place. "Which typically is the case," Vanessa points out with a rueful laugh, and also correctly. Ralph adds that Vanessa isn't that into physical activity, being an old and all (keep in mind she's 38 and looks 25). That won't come back to haunt them this leg or anything. They get into a cab while Art and JJ are still trying to flag one down.
That leaves just one team to go: Bopper and Mark, whom we once again check in with in their hotel room, at what the subtitle tells us is "Three Hours Before Pit Start." Pit start: still not a phrase. Bopper tells us that Mark, who is currently sacked out on the bed, "has not been right" since the dance challenge that nearly killed him last week. In fact, dude has an IV in his arm there in the hotel room, but he woozily says he's still in the race. Yikes. If nothing else, that IV stand is going to slow him down if it comes down to a footrace to the mat. "Come on!" "There's Phil!" "Let's go!" Ree-ee, ree-ee, ree-ee, ree-ee...
Other Rachel and Dave's auto rickshaw delivers them to "Temple," where the head priest and an attendant greet them, daub a little red paint on their foreheads, and hand over some lotus blossoms presented on wide green leaves. Dave interviews about being respectful of one's elders, but the minute they're clear of the priest he rather awkwardly holds both their salads while Rachel opens the clue. There's a Fast Forward inside -- the third one of this race, which I think is rather unusual -- but Dave reminds her that they've already done one and can't do another, at least until they come back for the "all-star" season. Instead, they have to go to a place "Pattanacaud Coir Mats and Matting." Back to their taxi. A little early in the episode to be going to the mat, isn't it? Or maybe they'll have to weave their own.
Brendon and Rachel make it to Temple as we hear Rachel talk about how it's not her religion, but she appreciated the experience. Rachel's religion, for the record, is the Church of Brenchel. Sacraments include gloating when things go well, whining when they don't, threatening to break up and/or quit in a huff, and generally offending everyone around you. Rachel's the pope. Brendon talks about the honor of being in the place where Gandhi came from. I assume he means not this temple, or even Cochin, as far as I can see, but India in general. They must have taken Mahatma Gandhi Road through town to get here, and that's what made Brendon think of it. After they get their blessing and clue, Rachel realizes that Other Rachel and Dave, the only team ahead of them, aren't eligible for the Fast Forward, so they decide to go for it. Which they will both regret. But first, Phil shows up to remind us that the Fast Forward allows the team that wins it to skip everything else and go straight to the Pit Stop, as if there haven't already been two of those this season. In this case, they'll have to get to another temple and find two priests who are waiting out front. They're sitting on a mat, with pillows facing them and some kind of small shrine standing between them. There are also some very specific items in front of the shrine, but to mention what they are right now would constitute a spoiler. For now, Team Big Brother rushes off to find it.
Vanessa and Ralph are the third team to reach Temple, and they decide to skip the Fast Forward. Since the teams left, some guys who are wearing tiger masks and have tiger faces painted on their bulbous torsos are dancing around for some reason. Because of how that's perfectly normal. Team Penultimate takes off to the mat shop, and Art and JJ show up. They're surprised to see another Fast Forward in this race, but they know that neither they nor Other Rachel and Dave can do it, so it's pretty much moot for them. At least for now.
Speaking of the latter team, they're currently stopped for fuel at a gas station. Other Rachel is staying cheerful, but Dave looks like a caged animal waiting in the back seat. "Hopefully everybody's having difficulty with transportation on this one," he says once they're back on the road.
Brendon and Rachel reach the second temple, where the two priests wait for them on the mat. And yes, there's still the small shrine, and the items in front of them are a variety of sharp objects and a printed page, which reads as follows: "It is a custom in India to express gratitude for good fortune. Those who are willing to express their gratitude by sacrificing their beauty are given blessings in proportion to their sacrifice." If that were actually true, Rachel would only get spotted a five-minute head start. But the page goes on, "To win the Fast Forward, each of you must have your head shaved." Now, as you may remember, when The Amazing Race rips off a season, it's called a "Switchback" so it sounds more deliberate.
Phil uses that term with a straight face as we flash back to what Phil calls "one of the most unforgettable Fast Forwards in Amazing Race history." He's got a point there; quick, name another one! You may remember Uchenna and Joyce undergoing this challenge during TAR7, even though Uchenna was already bald at the time so it was really just Joyce, and then Phil reminds us that they eventually won that season. Rachel just stares down at the cutting implements like it's her own grave as Brendon tells the camera that it's a no-brainer for him. "I've done it a million times, I'm a swimmer." He did it on Big Brother, too, and this time he doesn't even have to follow it up with a chum bath while handcuffed to someone he hates. But Rachel whines that she doesn't wanna. "I paid five hundred dollars for extensions," she says tearfully. "It would be so sad." Tragic, really. But is there any reason she can't just hold onto the extensions and splice them back on when the stubble comes in? I really don't know how extensions work. Obviously.
After the ads, she says she can't, and asks if Brendon wants her to. To his credit, Brendon tells her it's her decision. I appreciate that he's not pressuring her, but I wonder how much of that is due to the fact that he also doesn't want to run the rest of the race with -- and eventually marry, depending on when their wedding is set for -- a homelier version of Sinead O'Connor any more than she wants to be one. And since she's clearly not going to do it any time soon, if at all, Brendon wisely hurries her out of there rather than waste any more time. She interviews, "Shaving my head is just such a terror for me. I spent years and years of trying to get my hair to look good." And some days she actually succeeds. She asks Brendon if he's disappointed, but he calmly maintains that it's her decision. I'm actually impressed by his maturity, at least until he adds, "If we're out, we're out." Well, he was doing okay for a while there.
Vanessa and Ralph's good luck with cabs is apparently back, because they're actually the first team to make it to the mats and matting shop. There's a stash of clues sitting on a display of matting materials out front, and Ralph opens up what turns out to be a Roadblock. "Who's at the end of their rope?" he reads. It's leg ten; who's not? Phil explains that "India's southern state of Kerala is known as the land of coconut trees, producing almost 70% of India's supply." How nice for them. The we cut to the inside of a bare, barn-like structure, where two women are at work. Behind them, Phil tells us that the racers will have to use coconut husks to spin forty feet of rope "in this 50-year-old facility." That appears to be what the women in the foreground are doing. They've got large fabric pouches full of loose fibers tied around their waists, with lengths of rough twine stretched taut in front of them to some point off-camera, and they're slowly backing up as they're somehow transforming those loose husks into rope. I literally have no idea how they're actually accomplishing this.
After the racers have done it long enough to have produced forty feet of rope, they'll then have to wind four large skeins of completed rope onto one spindle to get their clue. Why couldn't they have doubled up tasks earlier in the season, when they were already easier? In any case, Ralph will be doing this, primarily because Vanessa clearly wants him to. He picks one of the women who work there as his instructor, gets a sarong wound around his waist for some reason, and gets led through the barn as Vanessa expresses her confidence that he can do this. Inside, Ralph hooks a length of husks around a spinning eyelet to start the rope, with a pouch of more husks at his waist, just like the instructor to him. "Steady hands," Vanessa adds as Ralph drops the pouch. I'm starting to think she's angling for my job.
Other Rachel and Dave get to the matting store, and Dave will be taking this one. When Art and JJ show up shortly thereafter, Art's in. Other Rachel remarks to Vanessa about how good Dave looks in his skirt. "Actually, Ralph is one of my few boyfriends that have not cross-dressed," Vanessa volunteers. As I've said before about Vanessa, she may or may not be kidding.
Bopper and Mark haven't even left their hotel room, and still have "One Hour Before Pit Start." Mark assures us that he's 100 percent, and has "drunk enough water to float a battleship." They're not going to quit, in other words. "We're gonna win this race," Mark insists. Okay, well, good luck with that.
To emphasize Team Kentucky's chances of winning the race, we cut from where they have yet to start the leg, back to the three teams already doing the Roadblock. Ralph says it's harder than it looks, as he compares his instructor's smooth technique and results to his own frayed product, which keeps snapping and slowing him down. I don't get how they're doing this at all, to be honest. It's like the harp-stringing task earlier in the season; if the work is so close and detailed and fiddly-fingered, should it even be on TV?
Brendon and Rachel get to the Roadblock and Rachel announces, "It's a Roadblock, you have to do it." Has she done the maximum already, or is she simply issuing more papal bull? Their arrival is a bit of a surprise to the other teams, to say the least. While Brendon gets prepped, JJ asks Rachel why they didn't do the Fast Forward. Rachel doesn't want to talk about it. JJ shakes his head in disgust, like it has anything to do with him. Then he explains to us, "[if] Bopper and Mark get that Fast Forward, then we're looking at fighting for the last spot." It's all about JJ, isn't it. Besides, aren't you planning to win this leg anyway, Mr. Competitive? If you're so worried, send Vanessa and Ralph after it.
Meanwhile, at the task at hand, ropes in progress are snapping all over, so this Roadblock looks like it would be a good one to skip anyway. Rachel explains to us that she can't shave her head. "I know another girl in another season did it," she says without benefit of having seen the flashback to Uchenna and Joyce, "but she was really cute and skinny and pretty, and I need hair to be pretty." So don't invest so much of yourself in your looks, then, Shallow Gal. Sure, other people do it, but those people are generally better-looking. On the other hand, people who don't generally have more intelligence or better personalities, so I guess Rachel is stuck either way. Meanwhile, off to the side, JJ is engaging in his favorite pastime of ranting about shit that doesn't affect him. "Does anybody play the game strategically? Does anybody have a clue what's going on?" Rachel says she feels bad enough about her nose that Vanessa pointed out (and which is among the least of her flaws, if you ask me) without having no hair on top of it. JJ just continues ranting about how nobody thinks for one second.
Dave finishes up, being a little pissy with his instructor for not leading him out of there quickly enough for his liking. "You gotta help me out, I've never been here before." He dicks. Other Rachel just smiles complacently at seeing someone else get to deal with his assholery for once. JJ informs art that Dave's done and Brendon's down to a roll and a half, so Art needs to gut it out. Outside, Vanessa's still down, saying, "I think I heard it pop. Oh my God!" Ralph sympathetically tells her to stop yelling. Inside the building, Dave swaps his sarong for the clue, saying to the supervisor, "It doesn't look good on me." Meanwhile, Vanessa is trying to walk. She interviews, "People see me and they see big eyes, big hair, big boobs, and they think, 'she must be a bimbo.'" I might have been a bit guilty of that myself, before I heard her talk. But then, after we've just watched her rolling around on the sidewalk in pain for a while, she continues, "I'm so much tougher than I look. I have a really high tolerance for pain." She tells Ralph she thinks she just twisted it, but he's still carrying both of their bags to the taxi. As a result of her mishap, Other Rachel and Dave end up getting underway in their taxi before Vanessa and Ralph do.
Back inside the building, Brendon is on his last roll of rope by the time Art finishes up the Roadblock. JJ loudly tells Art to hurry, because Bopper and Mark are probably going to do the Fast Forward. But only if they're idiots, or if someone tells them it's still in play. JJ hectors Rachel some more about not doing it herself, and she tells him says you had to shave your head. "It's a tough decision for a woman, I know," JJ condescends. He interviews that he was actually concerned about it, so he tried to get Rachel to reconsider taking it. "The hammer's gonna fall on you," he warns Rachel. "It's gonna be perfect for Mark and Bopper." JJ interviews after the leg, "She's a very nice lady. She really is." And now the list of Things JJ Has Said That I Don't Believe has a new entry at the tippy-top of the list. "But I think she's a little bit gullible," JJ goes on. "You just gotta say a few key words." By which he means that back outside the Roadblock, he tells her that she'd look good bald. I like how he made himself out to be some brilliant puppetmaster when all he had to do was press the one button Rachel has. She's like a human Office Max commercial that way. JJ brusquely rushes Art out of there, whispering to him that he's doing it strategically so Art shouldn't get mad. While Brendon finishes the Roadblock, Rachel is clearly having second thoughts. Or, because it's Rachel, "thoughts." Brendon reads the clue and they're off in fourth place...to the barber under the ancient tree. Who will shave their heads! Not really.
Bopper and Mark finally get to start their leg at 10:38 AM, a resounding last place. Bopper says they're known for their comebacks. Considering they're leaving the mat more than three hours after the team ahead of them, more than two commercial breaks into the episode, in a leg with no artificial bunching, with a Speed Bump ahead of them, and after all of the other teams have already finished the Roadblock, they'll need more than a comeback. They'll need a time machine. Or, failing that, a Fast Forward.
Other Rachel and Dave and Team Penultimate show up in the neighborhood at roughly the same time, but Other Rachel is the first to spot the barber at work. She hurries over to claim their clue, just ahead of Vanessa and Ralph. Other Rachel reads from the Detour clue, "Pachyderm or Pack a Box?" Only she pronounces the first word as "patchy-derm," which, oddly enough, Dave doesn't rudely correct her for. Phil turns up in an elephant paddock, saying, "This Detour requires teams to immerse themselves in two jobs found throughout ancient Indian history." Could you vague that up a bit, Phil? For "Pachyderm," they need to decorate an elephant like the provided model, with all manner of fancy tackle, including a headdress, bells, and ornaments. And then, lest they feel too fancy after that, they'll have to schlep 15 wheelbarrows full of elephant poo onto a truck.
For "Pack-A-Box," Phil says they'll participate in India's spice trade, "which accounts for almost fifty percent of the world's supply." That's one of those facts that's interesting but not terribly surprising. As he says this, we see workers running hunks of ginger root through a strainer screen, I guess to shake out the loose dirt and sticks and whatever other byproducts are generated by the ginger-industrial complex. Phil says the teams will have to come to this "processing center" (which makes it sound more like a modern factory than the basic stone courtyard it clearly is), fill empty wooden boxes with dried ginger, then seal them, paint stencils on them, and take them to the depot for shipping. Again with the tasks that require racers to do more than one thing. I'm torn on whether that's a good thing, ten legs in. In any case, both lead teams (and it seems so weird to refer to Vanessa and Ralph that way) are going with Pachyderm.
Team Big Brother somehow finds the barber before Art and JJ do. Rachel bows to him theatrically and they get their clue and decide on Pachyderm, but JJ figures they can "win it on manual labor," so they're doing "Pack a Box." The only problem with the "win it on manual labor" strategy is that it only works if other teams are doing it too.
Bopper and Mark get to the temple, where their Speed Bump sign is waiting -- to the dancing people disguised as tigers. The clue reads, "Paint the tiger on the belly of a Pulikali Tiger Dancer and prepare them for the dance!" Well, that explains why they're here, at least. But have they really been dancing here since Vanessa and Ralph left here hours ago? Phil stands in front of the jingling dancers as he explains the Speed Bump. Upon closer examination, the torso of one of the tiger dancers is painted plain white, and Bopper and Mark's job is to paint a tiger's face there. When it's good enough, the head priest will hand them their clue, just like he did with the other teams. Does anyone else find it odd that the dancers have both tiger masks on and paintings of tigers on their torsos? It's like those cheap-ass Halloween costumes of the seventies and eighties where the front of the costume had a picture of what the costume was. Which never made sense to me even then. Bopper and Mark head over to the waiting dancers and assess the situation. Bopper allows that he's painted a lot of creek rocks with his daughter, so he "had no problem with it, other than it being on a man's belly." Just pretend it's a creek rock.
At the Pachyderm Detour, Other Rachel and Dave show up and pick an elephant, after Other Rachel points out to Dave that they probably want a small one. Vanessa and Ralph are right behind them. Other Rachel is enjoying he experience (loud music and all), but Dave snaps at her to "Watch. Pay attention." Ralph points out to Vanessa how she's going to have to climb up on top of the elephant. Apparently, like the blonde twins from last season whose names I don't even remember, she's a big elephant and monkey fan, which makes this her favorite task ever. "All right, buddy, I'm going to ride you," Other Rachel says to her elephant. Soon she and Vanessa are up on top of their respective beasts trying to rope the headdress on. Brendon and Rachel show up as well, so this could end up being close.
Art and JJ get to the "processing center," where they find areas of big, raw, chunky ginger roots laid out in the sun to dry, and the crates they'll need to fill with them. They decide to start the tasks by painting the stenciling onto the lids, and Art says he wishes they could have used the Fast Forward. "Yeah, no one else has the balls to do it," JJ spits. Great, Art, thanks for getting him started. "So we thought we were playing with some people who had half a brain, but no, they are the laziest group of people I've ever met," JJ carries on. How is it lazy to do all of these exhausting tasks, exactly? He only wonders if Team Kentucky has half a brain, "Because if they do, they're gonna be in first." Indeed, Bopper and Mark would have to have only half a brain to think the Fast Forward would still be available to the third of three eligible teams, but I don't think that's what JJ means.
Dave gets up on the fully-decorated elephant with Other Rachel and poses there with her long enough to get the thumbs-up to proceed. Yay, now they get to schlep shit! Brendon and Rachel are still working on dressing up their pachyderm, as Vanessa is trying to stand a high umbrella up on her elephant's back. Other Rachel and Dave get to the wheelbarrows to the shit-pile and get to work. "We always attempt to maximize our efficiency as a team," Dave says, explaining how Rachel broke up the poo and Dave loaded and pushed the wheelbarrows. Works for the first one. I'm still curious as to how Dave's near-constant putdowns maximize efficiency, though.
Vanessa and Ralph get on their elephant and get to move on. And Dave snaps at Rachel for wanting to actually fill the wheelbarrow before he goes to the truck with his second load. Efficiency: maximized. Vanessa and Ralph join them while Brendon and Rachel awkwardly get onto their elephant, with Brendon in front. "Don't drop any shit, Ralph," Vanessa says as he rolls his first wheelbarrow to the truck. Soon Brendon and Rachel join them. And after two seasons of being on Big Brother, they've dealt with more shit than anyone here.
Art and JJ start getting to work with the screen sifter to shake the rubbish out of the ginger roots, one small batch at a time. JJ has to ride herd on Art to get the technique right, but eventually they get their first box filled. "We're gonna be here a while," JJ realizes. That'll teach them to go for ginger. I always preferred Mary Ann, myself.
The other three teams actually in the race are busy with the elephant poo. Dave's on his twelfth wheelbarrow, but Brendon is frantically making up time, rushing his around like it's Ginger Rogers and he's Jim Carrey. Vanessa, who claims to have been counting the other teams' wheelbarrows and not just her own, suspects that Brendon and Rachel are counting more wheelbarrows than they've actually done. Indeed, as Vanessa states in an interview, she's suspicious of them a lot, just in general. She doesn't say anything to them at the time, though. Rachel floats Vanessa the idea of going to the Fast Forward with Ralph, and Vanessa says she was thinking about it. Now I can't tell if either one of them is serious.
At the Speed Bump, Bopper and Mark put the finishing touches on their belly-tiger (which isn't as artistic as the others, but it's better than most Draw Something renderings) and get their clue from the head priest, along with the forehead-daubing. They're currently in last place, obviously, but the clue is telling them about the Fast Forward, and the "good fortune ritual," the last word of which Bopper pronounces as "roulette." Which is not entirely inappropriate, because they're about to do the equivalent of putting all their chips on zero. They discuss going for it anyway, and without knowing what any of the other teams did, they're taking a chance. Which is a dumb, dumb move, under any other circumstances. The only thing going for them is that Brendon and Rachel are even dumber. Mark gives a triumphant roar as they get in the cab. He sounds like Slim Pickens at the end of Dr. Strangelove, which is also appropriate, because it's one last desperate gesture of futility. They must realize they're doomed either way, so they might as well go for the three-point shot at the buzzer. Only this is more like a hundred-point shot, because it's from space.
Dave loads his fifteenth and last wheelbarrow on the truck, then collects their clue. They're in first place as Dave reads, "Take a ferry to the Pit Stop." Phil tells us that would be the famous Cheena Vala fishing nets, which I've never heard of but which look pretty familiar. Picture docks with giant fishing nets looming over the water on long booms, and you get the idea. Phil warns, "The last team to check in here may be eliminated." That probably won't be Other Rachel and Dave, who get in their cab and are on their way. Vanessa and Ralph also finish and get their clue in second place. Despite Vanessa's suspicions, the subtitles tell us that Brendon and Rachel are also done, so they're headed to the Pit Stop in third place.
While riding to the ferry, Other Rachel expresses her hope that there's a boat leaving every few minutes, so as to keep all three teams from getting on the same one. They're soon dropped off, and they run up the pier to start what Rachel calls the "hurry up and wait" game." Team Penultimate and Team Big Brother's cabs are closing in. Dave actually offers to bribe the captain to go now, so they get ready to cast off. As Team Big Brother pulls up, the boat pulls away, and the second-and third-place teams are left on the shore watching it go. I don't know if any money actually changed hands there, and I don't actually care. Who situates a potential bunching right before the Pit Stop like this in the first place?
Bopper and Mark are hurrying to the Fast Forward, hoping for the lifeline that will save them. Art and JJ are still loading ginger, as Art bitches, "This is fricking work. It's not artsy-craftsy dance day." JJ interviews that after four or five boxes they were regretting the choice, but it was too late to switch. And in any case, who wants to go mess around with elephant shit when you're already as sweaty as these two are? That'll stick to every inch of you. Bopper and Mark rush their driver along through traffic. "Smart and steady," JJ says encouragingly. "Dear Lord, can we do any more slower than this?" he adds, less encouragingly.
After the ads, we come back to them hoping the elephant task is taking a lot longer. "Want to pass the time and I'll be Dave and you be Rachel?" JJ suggests. Whereupon JJ starts angrily yelling at Art that he's a weak idiot who needs to shut up. Art should insist on being Dave time.
The team being mimicked has reached the docks where the nets loom over the water, and they jump happily into the mat. Phil asks them what they'd like, and after finding out they want first place, that's what he gives them. I think he would have anyway, though. They've also won ten thousand dollars each, which is pretty generous, even given the amount of work this leg required. This makes their sixth win of the race, "and we need one more to tie the record," Other Rachel says, without mentioning Meghan and Cheyne from TAR14. Dave boldly adds that the final leg will be their eighth victory, and they'll not only win the million, "but we'll also attain the most victories for the race." Well, as long as they're managing their expectations.
Brendon and Rachel make it to the mat , closely followed by Vanessa and Ralph, with the guys carrying two backpacks each. They're team number two and three respectively. Phil asks Vanessa if she's all right, and she says she is, apart from having rolled her ankle "like nobody's business." Brendon and Rachel appear to be overcome with concern. Phil congratulates all of them on making it through ten legs, and then adds, "Please tell me I don't have to give you any penalties. You guys have done everything right?" Ralph says, "I hope so," either unaware that Phil is trying to draw Vanessa out or vainly trying to forestall it. But Vanessa, with an "I'm not saying, I'm just saying" kind of smile on her face, admits that she was counting everyone's wheelbarrows during the Detour. "I don't know if we miscounted or if it was y'all," she says to Rachel. This passive-aggressive accusation is too passive for Rachel to even understand at first, until Vanessa claims that Brendon and Rachel somehow jumped from three wheelbarrows to seven. "Who cares?" Ralph points out, tired of Vanessa picking these fights with Rachel, and Rachel asks why Vanessa is starting drama on the mat. Bickering commences, and Phil asks why they can't get along. "She doesn't like my sequins," Rachel says. Vanessa openly laughs, "I don't think that's the reason." Rachel brings up Vanessa's comment about seeing Rachel's entire ass back at the watermelon task, and also the nose comment back at the Nairobi airport. Vanessa at first tries to act like she was just being honest and helpful, but after a little more arguing, Vanessa says she's sorry and they shake hands. Vanessa is not up for a hug, though, and not just because they're both hot and sweaty. They are so not ever going to be friends, and I have to admit that they're both kind of assholes. But I'm still on Vanessa's side, because she's funnier. Also, like I said before, I've always preferred Mary Ann to Ginger.
There are still two teams running the leg, lest we forget. While loading the ten boxes onto their cart, the sheet-metal rim on one of the crate lids cuts clean through JJ's leather work glove and into his finger. Now that's some bleeding, Rachel. They load ten boxes on a two-wheeled cart and start pushing it out of the building, arguing like the crabby married couple they're always so proud of not being.
Bopper and Mark reach the Fast Forward, which Mark reads. Mark, who is already spear bald, laughs at Bopper as they sit sown on the mat. Bopper isn't bothered by this at all. "He can cut my leg off while he's at it, I don't care." Just be sure to take the bad one.
Art and JJ deliver their boxes and get their clue, then get back into their auto rickshaw for the ride to the ferry. "I hope we didn't pick the wrong of the two Detours," Art says vainly. And incorrectly.
Mark, who underwent a minute or two of shaving just as a formality or something, watches Bopper get shorn. "You don't look as good as me, but you look good, bro." Actually, with his Charles Napier chin, tiny little eyes, and newly exposed scalp, Bopper looks like a white supremacist. But they're off to the Pit Stop, which is what matters. "Kentucky's still in the game," Bopper crows.
Now it's the mad race to the ferry. Art and JJ are snarled in a traffic jam, and handling the frustration with their trademark Zen-like calm. Bopper and Mark are talking, rather prematurely, about getting into the final three. Then there's a transition shot showing the ferry, and at last Art and JJ stomp grumpily up to the mat. "I don't think I need to tell you that things just haven't gone your way today," Phil tells them gravely. JJ is on the verge of tears as he says, "No matter what you do, when you fail, it's tough." Art insists that they didn't fail; they did everything they set out to do. Well, aside from winning every leg. And then Phil tells them they're team number four. "You're still in the race! Why aren't you happy, dude, you should be jumping up and down for joy!" They're just standing there in shock for a minute, not least of all because Phil just called them "dude." Phil tweaks JJ for crying, and Art says they're going to win this race. "So we've got blood, we've got sweat, and we've got tears, and if that's not enough to win a million bucks, I don't know what is. 'Cause ain't no other team out there that has all three."
Bopper and Mark finally make it to the mat, quite cheerful to have arrived at all. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive. "And I'm very sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the race." They say they did everything they could. "Right down to taking off your hair," Phil agrees. He congratulates them on making it ten legs against tough teams (and Vanessa and Ralph), going places they've never been. He leaves out the part about how they came in last for 30% of those legs, however. Bopper says they had an amazing time on the Amazing Race, and has no words to describe all he's done. Mark talks about why it's called the Amazing Race, and we get their second farewell montage in as many weeks while Bopper interviews, "We made one deal before we left home: We're leaving as friends, and we're coming back home as friends." Well, he still may not know about Mark outing his crush on Jamie. Bopper interviews that Kentucky should be proud of him "for putting 175% on the table, for Clay County and Kentucky Proud." And with that, they hoist their backpacks and walks off to Sequesterville, clasping hands. I'm sorry to see them go, especially because I would have been happy to have seen them go sooner, when Bopper was still one of the more annoying individuals in the race.
Two-hour finale for the final four week. That snuck up on us, didn't it?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.