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Inter-team tensions are briefly explored in the wake of last week's U-Turn drama, but fortunately most of that is back-burnered when the race moves to India. In Cochin, a Roadlbock requires one racer from each team to learn and perform a Bollywood dance routine. Other Rachel nails it on the first try, but the other teams aren't so lucky. After a few tries, Vanessa comes in second, then Rachel powers through another emotional meltdown to get her and Brendon out of there in third place. The all-male teams struggle, as JJ has to take several turns while Art makes caveman-like observations from the sidelines. But it's Mark who is hurting the most. Always prone to motion sickness, he's already in a bad way after the bus ride to the Roadblock. But with Bopper's knee relegating him to the DL, Mark has to step up. And yet he soon proves nearly unable to take any steps at all in the punishing heat.
The other teams, however, move on to the Detour. Other Rachel and Dave hold onto their lead as they use an auto rickshaw to negotiate a slalom course at a driving school and win their fifth leg. Brendon and Rachel beat Art and JJ at the cricket-based half of the Detour, and those two teams come in second and third respectively. Vanessa and Ralph straggle in as team number four after getting hung up at the driving Detour. And this all happens before Mark can even finish the dancing Roadblock. Fearing for his friend's health, Bopper finally talks Mark into quitting so he can go home alive to his kids. But when Mark reluctantly agrees, the choreographer -- and, suspiciously, Bopper -- talk him into giving it one last try before heading out. Whether Mark's twelfth attempt is correct or not (and it's kind of not), twelve tries is enough to earn him the clue at last. We rush through the rest of their leg and an emotional farewell montage, only to see them arrive at the mat in last place and learn from Phil that it's a non-elimination leg. Fair enough; between all his puking and sweating, it looked like Mark did enough elimination to go around for everyone.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Over shots of the diverse wildlife surrounding Tanzania's Lake Minyara (wildebeests, giraffes, warthogs, baboons, zebras, and Phil), our host obviouses that it's a national park, "home to large herds of elephant, and over 400 species of birds." Only a few of which are shown, so that's kind of a rip-off. Phil also informs us, "This abundant wildlife refuge is now the start of the ninth leg in a race around the world." Home stretch, y'all. Bopper and Mark won the leg, so we're starting with them. But instead of seeing them open a clue at the mat as usual, we check in with them in their sunlit hotel room, at what a subtitle tells us is "6 Hours Before Pit Start." I don't care what that subtitle says, "Pit Start" is not a phrase.
Bopper sits on his bed wearing a knee brace on his right leg, waiting for a visit from a doctor. Instead, a local "Medic" (per the subtitle) comes in and shakes Bopper's hand. No, don't get up. Bopper explains that he twisted his ankle getting out of a safari vehicle two legs ago, which in turn twisted his knee -- which we know was operated on six months before the race, so it's not like this was an entirely new injury. He removes the brace so the medic can take a look. Bopper's very worried about being out of the race due to this, but the medic says he should be okay with the brace, so the million dollars is still in reach. Theoretically. And if not, by the time Bopper's knee blows up, he'll be on a completely different continent than the medic.
Team Kentucky gets to actually leave at 9:06 PM, well after dark. As they open their clue, Phil narrates that they'll need to fly nearly 2,900 miles to the "densely populated, chaotic streets of Cochin, India." Yep, looks like India -- densely populated and chaotic. From there, they'll have to get to the Rajiv Gandhi Bus Terminal and take a bus to Sacred Heart College in Thevara to find their clue. Before beginning the leg, Mark says they're glad to be starting in first for once, but with Bopper's leg acting up he's willing to do what it takes to get it done. Is someone going to hold him to that?
Other Rachel and Dave are starting the leg just a minute later, at 9:07 PM. Dave narrates, "Our relationship with Art and JJ seems to be severed at this point and it's no fault of Rachel and I's." Maybe JJ just can't stand to be around people who use the nonexistent first-person possessive pronoun "I's"? Dave clarifies, "JJ in particular is not too pleased with Rachel and I's decision not to utilize the U-Turn on the green team." There it is again! Other Rachel flatly says, "We're not about to do JJ's dirty work." Dave adds, "If the relationship can be restored, then excellent. If not, Rachel and I will continue to race as we have." With lots of bickering and bitching at each other?
The two lead teams arrive at a travel agency called Rickshaw Travels at about the same time and find out that the flight to India doesn't leave until 7:40 the morning, and will arrive in Cochin at 6:05 the morning after that. Other Rachel is curious to see if Art and JJ will bother to ask them about their itinerary. Speaking of whom, the Border Patrol opens their clue in third place, at 9:32 PM. Before starting, Art seems to have drunk JJ's Kool-Aid about how they got "screwed over by Major Dave." JJ's still not over it, saying, "Take your Army ass and get out of my face. It's game on." Still no explanation of what, if any, practical effect that Other Rachel and Dave's failure to use the U-Turn had on their game, but I guess this is about the principle.
The Border Patrol's taxi drops them off and everything goes all tense and slo-mo as the two former allies see each other for the first time since the leg. Without acknowledging the other racers, JJ asks the counter guy for tickets and an internet-enabled computer, all of which are being used right now. In other words, they'd rather wait their turn than share with Other Rachel and Dave. Other Rachel remarks, "We're not here to make friends, we're here to win." Seriously, Other Rachel, it's time to stop saying that. Bopper and Mark head out in their taxi and talk along the way about what babies Art and JJ were acting like. And still are, as Other Rachel and Dave leave. "If you don't have integrity we don't need you," JJ says. "We don't need them to win." Quit your fucking bitching then, my God. Pour yourself a new bowl of cornflakes when somebody pisses in them.
Brendon and Rachel are starting in a distant fourth, at 11:55 PM. Rachel says they're over being U-Turned by Art and JJ. Which I'm sure is true, because they're so awesome at getting over stuff. They get to the travel agency after the other teams have already left, and it looks like the same will be true of Vanessa and Ralph, as their leg begins at 1:31 AM, putting them in fifth and last place. Ralph talks about how they were U-Turned by the green team, "a.k.a. Big Baby, Crybaby..." "Duck-billed platypus," Vanessa adds, making the famous Rachel-lips. But they remind us that they're still in it, and may have the chance to use another U-Turn in the future. Sure, but they'd have to get ahead of someone first. At the travel agency, they get on a computer and find out about a connecting flight through Nairobi that will actually get them to Cochin before 6:05. "Baby, we're going to India," Ralph says in the cab. Are they actually going to be in the lead for once?
Then an Amazing Red Line jinks down from Kilimanjaro to Dar Es Salaam and across the Indian Ocean, while an Amazing Green Line makes a stop in Nairobi to the north before heading east to the subcontinent. Vanessa and Ralph are the only ones on the latter flight, while all other teams are on the former. B-roll of the city of Cochin shows the usual chaos of urban India, which we don't even need to see any more at this point, and the first flight lands with Vanessa and Ralph, who take a leisurely stroll to in information desk to ask for a bus schedule. They're still there when the other teams show up. "Aargh, there goes our lead," Vanessa groans. "Our little dose of luck just stopped." Yeah, if you're in front, you still have to hurry, because the teams behind you will be moving quickly to catch you. As you should know, from all your time in the back of the pack. Everyone takes what looks like a short walk to the bus station, but Other Rachel and Dave are the only team to make it onto the first bus to Thevara. Team Big Brother and the Border Patrol get on the second bus, and Vanessa and Ralph make the third bus. Clearly there's a bus leaving every minute or something. Bopper and Mark are keeping it down to a walk to save Bopper's knee, so they miss all of them. And thus do they go from first to last in record time.
Cut to the other teams on buses that are like amusement park rides, with constant honking and passing at high speed through holes in traffic that didn't previously seem to exist. In India, every bus is the Knight Bus. Finally Team Kentucky gets on a bus, and Mark claims a window seat, due to the motion sickness that's been an issue for him since the first leg. We get a flashback to him throwing up on the way to LAX right at the very beginning and everything.
Must be a short ride to Sacred Heart College, because Other Rachel and Dave are already there. Out on a wide soccer field (excuse me, football pitch) backing up to palm trees on the edge of the water -- which will later turn out to be the Arabian Sea -- they find several squads of brightly dressed dancers waiting. When they open the clue, it's a Roadblock. Phil interjects to say, "India's film industry is known as Bollywood, producing more films than any other country in the world." Over shots from a few of them, we can take a moment to notice that he said "more" and not "better."
Hopping up onto an outdoor stage to join a couple of dancers, Phil explains that the Roadblock requires racers to "Work on the set of a Bollywood movie and learn a dance routine." This is a pretty spare set, I have to say. Not a key grip in sight. But after learning the dance, they'll "join a group of thirty extras and perform it for a Bollywood director." The lead choreographer will judge their performance and hand them their clue when he's satisfied that they've got the steps down. Dave nominates Other Rachel for this one, saying she was a "high school dance phenomenon." Of the five choreographers waiting, each of them holding a costume to lend to a racer, Other Rachel picks the one holding something in bright orange. "Thank God that alluded to dancing and I didn't inadvertently select it," Dave says, as always making a casual remark that sounds like it should be preceded by the words "This is your captain speaking."
The Border Patrol, Team Big Brother, and Ralph and Vanessa all arrive at the college at roughly the same time and head out back. Opening the clue, Art reads, "Who's got all the right moves?" JJ tries to give this one to Art, who protests that he did the last dance. After a flashback to the bottle dance in Leg 3, in which Art snarled at JJ, "You owe me!" JJ concedes and agrees to do this Roadblock. Rachel will be taking this for her team, and so will Vanessa, but most people seem more interested in JJ. "I don't know how many males that are federal law-enforcement-oriented also double as quality dancers," Dave remarks a bit gleefully.
Other Rachel comes running out of a changing tent in her cream-colored silk pajamas and her bright-orange scarf to join the group of dancers who are dressed all in orange. As she starts learning the routine from that group's choreographer, Other Rachel interviews that she was in dance from elementary school through high school, but this is her first Bollywood experience. Sounds like a glaring omission from her Midwestern dance educators. Dave says that if he'd picked this, "We'd probably be here for hours," and the choreographer tells other Rachel, "Shake your buttocks." Yeah, Dave doesn't strike me as so much of a buttock-shaker. "At this point in time, I am encountering some difficulty simulating an aftward vibration," he'd tell us.
Rachel comes out of a changing tent wearing a green scarf with her cream PJs, running to join the dancers in green. Not only does she get to be part of a dance crew wearing her team's color, she's very excited about the sequins and glitter everyone's wearing. Vanessa comes out , sporting a purple scarf, and Ralph tells us she's not a bad dancer. "She's got some Puerto Rican in her," he adds, like that's all he needs to say, as she joins the purple group. Then, finally, here comes JJ in cream-and-teal. I don't know why it took him so long to change, unless it's because all the outfits are the same size and he's easily the biggest person doing this challenge. As he runs out to the field to join the teal-dressed group, Art tell him he's the only dude and thus needs to put on a show. JJ tells his choreographer that he can't dance, but vows to do good [sic]. "This is a great day to have a female partner on your team," Brendon says for the first time ever, as Art cheers JJ, "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon!" Wrong country, dude. People who patrol borders should know what country they're in, don't you think?
Mark is enjoying the bus ride as much as he can, given that he's got a barf bag in his lap.
At the college, everyone but JJ seems to be mastering the dance. "I felt like a fat Elvis," JJ says. Only fat Elvis had better hair.
Mark talks about the smog in the "ahr," saying that putting his head out the window just makes it worse. Bopper shakes his head, knowing what's coming. Maybe you should have taken the seat in front of him rather than the one behind, Gimpy. Suddenly Mark declares that he needs to get off the bus. Well, that's going to slow them down.
But after the ads, they do just that, and walk the rest of the way to the college. "Definitely got a bum knee on you, Blood," Bopper reminds Mark as he limps along behind. "I know, Blood," Mark says. All this "Blood"-ing. Soon there'll be blood on the pavement if Bopper isn't careful.
Meanwhile, on the football pitch, the four racers already doing the Roadblock are learning that so far they've only got the first section of the dance learned, and they aren't happy about it. Team Kentucky arrives, and when it comes to a dance challenge, a bad knee trumps a bad stomach. That means Mark's doing this one, joining the dancers in maroon. Bopper tells Brendon, "He ain't got much rhythm, but he's got heart." Most of which he puked out on the way over, however. JJ says he's ready to give it a try on the stage. He leads his squad up there. Lights, sound, camera, action, and a subtitle in Indian script reading "JJ: 1st Attempt" comes up on the screen as it begins. The music starts and JJ counts out loud, but still gets behind on the dance and the director calls a halt. "That was terrible. That was really bad," Other Rachel observes. "Dudes can't dance like chicks, man, it just can't happen," Art cavemans from the sidelines. Well, not that dude.
Other Rachel is the to take a crack at it, and she gets through the routine, if not flawlessly, at least well enough to earn the clue. "It's perfect!" the head choreographer lies, handing her the clue. It's sending them via auto rickshaw to a place called "Indian Coffee House," which seems pretty nonspecific. Like the time I was trying to meet up with Miss Alli in Manhattan and I called her cell phone and she said she was at Starbucks. "Okay, I'll see you at the New York Starbucks in a few minutes," I said. No, not really. Anyway, once the racers get to the coffee house, the headwaiter (in white livery and red turban) is waiting to give them their clue. "Chicks one, dudes nothin'," Art says. Tell it to the all-female teams who are still in the race, Alley Oop.
Mark is learning the dance, even though Bopper says, "Normally I'm the dance man," but of course he's having to sit this out due to his knee. In case you hadn't heard.
Out on the busy street, Other Rachel and Dave find an auto rickshaw and hop in, as Dave congratulates Other Rachel on killing it. Vanessa is about to take crack at the dance on the stage, but Mark is getting dizzy and has to take a break from his lesson. During Vanessa's first attempt, the camera freezes as she makes a mistake, raising her arms at the wrong time, so she'll have to try again. Rachel is about to give it her first try as Art continues with his enlightened thoughts about dancing dudes: "It doesn't look the same." Why is he not a dance critic for the New York Times? Rachel takes a mistimed jump, so she's going back to the drawing board.
Other Rachel spots the sign for the Indian Coffee House. "Nice eye, honey!" Dave says. Good to see he can stop himself from acting like a dick while things are going well. All they have to do here is go inside and collect the clue from the headwaiter. Cut to Phil on a cricket pitch, where he says the racers will have to "master the skills of India's most popular game, or master the skills of India's auto rickshaw drivers." Again, anybody who sticks around a Detour long enough to "master" anything isn't ever going to see Phil again, but let's keep moving.
For the Detour called "Cricket," each team member will have to hit one ball past a cricket pro positioned far out in the pitch, to the low yellow-and-white barrier indicating the boundary of the pitch, either as a grounder or a pop fly. Are those even cricket terms? Admittedly, I don't get cricket at all. As a fan of Douglas Adams and old-school Doctor Who, and someone who actually sat and watched a pickup cricket match once, I think I've been exposed to more cricket and understand it less than any human on earth. Unfortunately, this will not help. Wearing the big puffy shin-guards while standing in front of the wicket, Phil takes a swing of his own as he says the coach will hand them their clue after they hit the ball to the boundary. And we will have learned nothing new about cricket at all.
For the Detour, we see Phil behind the handlebars of an auto rickshaw circling around a slalom course on a grassy field somewhere. He happens to mention that India has more than five million auto rickshaw drivers, which is a very large number. Either some of them are part-time or they drive each other to work a lot. Anyway, for the detour option called "Clutch It," the racers will have to come to this driving school and drive "passengers" around the course in one of the three-wheeled vehicles. Other Rachel wants to do Clutch It, even though Dave wanted to try cricket. Other Rachel points out in an interview that they don't have skill and ability in that. "I have skill and ability in nearly every sport," Dave insists. Other Rachel groans. I'm not even sure cricket counts as a sport, that's how little I know about it.
Other Rachel and Dave head to the driving school and find the field out back with lots of other auto rickshaws already buzzing about. They sit down at mock-ups of the driver's seats to learn about "accelerator, brake, clutch, steering" (what, no horn?) and then head over to some actual vehicles to try it out. With an instructor sitting to her, and Dave and another random passenger in the backseat, Rachel drives over to the start of the course. Soon she's bumping into slalom flags and cracking herself up, even though Dave isn't at all amused. Because things aren't going well, you see. So she lets him go first, probably so he can see for himself that even though these vehicles are about the length of a surfboard, their turning radius is about a hundred yards.
Back at the college, JJ is making a second attempt at the dance, but falls behind his squad again and is flagged out. "Never gonna look like these chicks out here," Art says. Does Jezebel.com know about his deep thoughts on gender and the performing arts? Vanessa says she used to be able to dance but now can't seem to manage this. And Mark is the only one who hasn't given it a try yet, as he freely sweats through his cream pajamas. His choreographer tells him to relax, and Mark explains about having thrown up on the way over, and the hot morning sun, and how he keeps phasing in and out of reality. Well, he calls it being dizzy, but like I said above, I'm an old-school Doctor Who fan. On the sidelines, Bopper says Mark really wants this, adding that of the two of them, Mark has been a fan of the race for much longer.
Brendon shares some highly advanced thoughts of his own about gender, as a nervous Rachel gears up for a second attempt: "It's good to have a girl on your team because they can do things like this. But then it's bad, because they get emotional." A) Shut up, Neanderthal. B) Like Rachel is typical of women. If she were, I'd be either single, gay, or long dead by my own hand. Or one of theirs. In her second attempt, she gets stopped and jumps off the stage sulking. "It's not gonna be perfect," she bitches to Brendon like it's his fault, and storms off. Art compares her to "the cheerleader who didn't make the cheerleading team but kept trying," which is not an analogy that I am either entirely on board with, or amused by. He does admit to us that he should have done this Roadblock instead of JJ. Why, is he better at looking like a chick?
At the driving course, Other Rachel explains to the camera how it's hard to turn the auto rickshaw on a dime. "No it's not," Dave dicks, for no other reason than to be a dick. From behind the wheel, he watches as his instructor jogs through the course ahead of them, arms spread wide in a joyful pose, to show the way. "He makes it look easy, doesn't he?" Other Rachel observes. The soundtrack launches into Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" as helicopter pilot Dave releases the brake and starts looping through the flags, bumping one near the end. "That was a fail," the instructor tells him in what is either very good English or very advanced. Dave makes sure to point out that he nearly made it the first time. "I made it a lot more fun and I hit a bunch of poles," Other Rachel points out. It would be even more fun if she would just hit one pole in particular. With her foot. Dave backs up for another try, and makes it this time. "Now for the crazy driver," Other Rachel says, hopping behind the handlebars for her second turn.
Mark is finally ready to give the dance a try, "Before I pass out." Better than after. Brendon is trying to calm Rachel down, telling her not to get emotional. "I'm a girl, of course I'm gonna be emotional," Rachel whines sweatily. This Roadblock is setting back the cause of feminism fifty years, I swear to God. How hard would it have been for Rachel to replace the word "girl" in that sentence with "whiny, spoiled, immature asshole"? Vanessa talks about the futility of her own eight years of dance class, and Art says JJ looks like "a gorilla in a chiffon suit. He's trying his ass off, though." Too bad dudes don't know what chiffon actually looks like. Mark makes his first attempt, but falls behind and is called out. Vanessa, however, succeeds on her third attempt, so she and Ralph are out of there in second place. Look who's back in the front of the pack for the second time this leg!
JJ tells Art he can't do it, and Bopper calls over to Mark, "We're Kentucky boys, we ain't Las Vegas dancers! Keep your head up!" Rachel, the Las Vegas hostess, makes her fourth attempt as Mark power-hydrates and worries some more about passing out. Rachel gets through this one, so team Big Brother is off in third place. "Chicks three, dudes nothin'," Art says. Yes, be sure to keep us posted on the score. "I'm gonna cost us this thing, man," JJ says to Art, and Mark says he's ready to get sick again. And again, his physical distress launches a commercial break.
After the ads, JJ tells Art that he told him he couldn't do it. Art is unsympathetic. "Have a little faith," he says as JJ begins his fourth attempt. This time, the director lets the suspense build before producing Art and JJ's clue, triggering a whole celebration to the stage. Not that Bollywood dancers have a high threshold for happiness in the first place. "Chicks three, dudes one!" Art crows, and tells JJ he's a "Bollywood Travolta" as they head out in fourth place. Congratulations to Art on finally thinking of the one dude in the world who could ever dance. Bopper obviouses that he and Mark are in last place as Mark begins his third attempt. "Win or lose, he's giving it everything he's got," Bopper says. Looks like it's the latter, though, because he gets flagged before he finishes. "I barely can raise my arms," he pants afterward, which is going to be a problem for the parts of the dance that require arm-raising.
"Baby, can you listen to me when I tell you when to turn?" Dave nags Other Rachel while she tries to drive the slalom course. "If you're nice about it," Other Rachel says, which translates to "no," and tells him to quit barking in her ear. But he keeps doing it anyway, and then takes the credit when she gets through. "Listen to your fricking husband!" he says. Oh, go frick yourself. But they're done and they have a clue sending them to the Pit Stop in first place. Phil tells us that that Cochin is known as "the Queen of the Arabian Sea. And on a small island near the city: Bolgatty Palace." Kind of odd to hear that trademark verb-free elocution this late in the episode. There stands (that's a verb to your left there, TAR writers) an Indian pagoda that Phil refers to as a "heritage landmark," and the Pit Stop for this leg. "The last team to check in here" -- which is the mat out on the courtyard -- "may be eliminated." With five teams and three episodes left after this one? I guess anything's possible.
Vanessa and Ralph make it to the Indian Coffee Shop, get their clue, and decide to "Clutch It." At the driving school, Vanessa picks the youngest instructor and hops in to him in front, while gigantic Ralph somehow gets wedged in with not none, not one, but two passengers in the back. He interviews that this seemed like the simpler task. "Even though I failed Driver's Ed," Vanessa puts in. While she struggles to get started, she admits that she's driven into a few things back home in San Antonio. "Trees...street signs...other cars...the Alamo. It was an accident!" What a shame Art isn't here to talk about how chicks just can't drive like dudes can.
Team Big Brother gets to the Indian Coffee House, but are still debating which Detour to attempt when Art and JJ roll up. Both teams eventually decide on Cricket. Brendon and Rachel get to the stadium just ahead of the Border Patrol, where each racer is given protective gear, instructions, and a Shaun of the Dead bat to prepare. Both Rachel and Art take up their positions in front of the wicket and hit a couple of foul balls, and we leave them with a score of zero-all. The bowler's going to be pretty worn out after this, I'm thinking.
"The underdog always comes up!" Bopper hollers to Mark, who's about to make a fourth attempt. That doesn't even make sense. If it were true, there would be no such thing as an underdog. Which Mark absolutely, demonstrably is, given that there are splitscreen windows showing his fifth and sixth attempts concurrently. So clearly he didn't succeed the fourth time. He manages to get to the end of this last one, but the director insists, "Once more, once more, no." Bopper tells him to keep his head up. But then he says he loves his buddy, and heads over to tell Mark that it's not worth this. Mark insists on continuing to try, and on Bopper getting out of the way so that he can do so.
Other Rachel and Dave easily make it to the Pit Stop, where Dave says of the greeter, "Always the gorgeous women, Phil." Says the guy whose wife looks like Emma Stone. Phil tells them that they're team number one -- again -- and they've won a trip to St. Lucia. This is their fifth win in nine legs, and you can't really blame Dave for saying they're the strongest teams still in the race, "Without a doubt." And by the way, with regard to Art and JJ, Dave promises, "We'll resolve the situation." Other Rachel interrupts, "If not, we'll just beat 'em." Sounds like a win-win proposition, except for the first option.
Vanessa is attempting the slalom course, but hits a flag. "Son of a monkey's uncle," she pseudo-curses. "You had it, baby," Ralph complains. A camera positioned high above pans from the course directly over to the cricket pitch, which turns out to be on the adjoining lot. There's a sitar version of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing as Rachel yields the wicket to Brendon. JJ, meanwhile, is trash-talking the bowler. "Curve balls? I got you! I'm in your head right now!" Is that really cricket, by which I mean the verb? I think cricket trash-taking tends to sound more like, "That wasn't quite the thing there, old man! Better luck bowl, eh? Cheers!" JJ hits a long fly ball to the outfield or whatever those two things are called, but the professional cricket outfielder catches it just inside the boundary. Then Brendon scores by hitting it up the middle and over the low boundary. So does JJ, who then steps aside for Art's turn. "If I can dance, you sure to heck can hit a ball," JJ snarls, adding that Rachel will never hit it out. Never. Way to motivate him to hurry, there.
Mark needs to take a break to sit down, but insists he's going to do it. Bopper says they should take the penalty instead. "I ain't taking nothing. I'm gonna do this or die, right on this spot" Mark insists. Looks like it might be both, going by how Mark gets flagged on his seventh attempt. Now that's a stubborn individual right there. Mark wants to go again, but Bopper wants to wrap it up and go home. "Now listen, man, the hell with that money...I'd rather have my buddy." Mark insists that he "got to." Good. Now just focus that clear-headed thinking on learning the dance.
Vanessa successfully negotiates the slalom course without hitting the Taj Mahal, so now it's Ralph's turn. door, JJ and Brendon are coaching Art and Rachel, respectively. In an interview, Rachel assumes Art has played baseball before, because of how he's a dude and "athletic" (in the sense that a fire hydrant is athletic, sure) and talks about the animosity between them and about the leg's U-Turn. Art hits a ball that comes to a rolling stop just inches short of the barrier. Rachel's ball fetches up against it, and even though it doesn't go over, that's good enough, so she and Brendon are done with the Detour ahead of Art and JJ. I'm strangely happy about that. I clearly need to do some soul-searching. They're off to the Pit Stop in second place, while Art keeps hitting foul balls. Rachel says, "It was a good feeling to know that they both got beat by a girl." Yes, super empowering. In an interview, Art admits that Rachel hit the ball to the boundary before he did. "Which strips you of all your manhood," JJ interjects. Oh, all right, snerk. Art complains about having to swing an oar instead of a bat, but JJ is unsympathetic. After a few more tries, Art gets it across the boundary and they get their clue, in third place. This Detour option is thus closed out with a final score of dudes three, chicks one.
Ralph has the steering yoke pegged as he inches around the last slalom flag, and now that they're finished, they get to head to the Pit Stop in fourth place. They're finally getting a chance to show us a talent of theirs that's mostly been hidden the whole race: getting passed.
The choreographer tells Mark to relax, and he says, "If it weren't for my kids, I'd quit right now, 'cause it's killing me." I'm sure they'll be grateful. Bopper says he would have tried it himself if he'd known it would be this bad. Yes, but then his kneecap would have flown out and brained Mark, so they'd both be down. Mark fails his ninth, tenth, and eleventh attempts, and worse, is showing no signs of improvement. After that, Mark sits in front of an electric fan near the stage while Bopper crouches in front of him, saying it's time to go home. "We might be able to catch up, man," Mark says with bleary-eyed optimism. "I can do it, man, I'm just sick." Well, he's half right. Bopper says Mark can't give any more, and that they've done their best. "We come here friends were gonna leave here friends, Blood, that's it," Bopper says. "You got Mark, Kaysha, and Tori to think of. If you have a heatstroke, what can you do for 'em?" Mark insists he's thatclose. Well, maybe if he times his collapse just right on the stage he'll get some points for style.
Brendon and Rachel get to the Pit Stop as team number two, and are pretty happy about it, but this story is no longer about the other teams and hasn't been for a while. Back at the Roadblock, where the actual episode is continuing to happen, Mark sits with his head in his hands. He interviews that he reevaluated what was important in his life, namely his kids. "It got very, very, very emotional." Bopper supportively rubs Mark's head, and Mark tearfully decides, "I got three kids I gotta raise. I'm going home. Is that all right?" Isn't that what Bopper's been saying, Blood? In other words, he's done. He interviews, "Is a million dollars worth not walking my kids down the aisle? Is a million dollars worth not being able to go to my young-uns' ball games? And I just come to the conclusion that it wasn't." He heads back to the changing tent and into his third out of three commercial breaks. I think we've all just learned a very important lesson, and it's this: there are parts of the country where people still say "young-uns."
But Mark's choreographer has followed him there, trying to get him to give it just one more try. Are the instructors on commission or something? Mark is resolute, saying he's going back to his kids, while. Bopper looks on tearfully.
Art and JJ make it to the mat and are the third team to arrive, which is clearly better than they thought. "That's the most excited you've ever seen a third-place team in your life, Phil!" Art says. It's certainly the most excited we've ever seen those two about being in anything other than first place. Vanessa and Ralph run up right behind them and are checked in as team number four. I'm going to start calling them Team Penultimate if this keeps up much longer.
Back at the college, with the only team who has yet to reach the mat, or indeed complete a single task of this leg, Bopper asks Mark if he's okay. Mark doesn't know, so Bopper suggests he put the costume back on and give it one more shot for their kids, "Then we'll be out of here." Wait, what? Okay, actually that question I just asked is totally disingenuous. It's not stated or shown, but I think it's pretty clear what's going on here: a decision has been made at some level to give Mark the clue if he can just get through one more attempt, no matter what. And I think Bopper is either privy to that discussion or figured it out on his own, but either isn't allowed to tell Mark or doesn't want to. And Mark is too heat-addled right now to come to a similar conclusion.
Otherwise Bopper's reversal of position makes no sense, five attempts after he started trying to talk Mark out of continuing at all. And I'm actually okay with this. Yes, Bopper got on my nerves early on by being so damn loud and aggressively Southern, but either these two have grown on me or I've realized that they're the only team left in the race that hasn't gotten embroiled in a bunch of ridiculous schoolyard bullshit. Furthermore, someone clearly forgot to tell the director in charge of this challenge that when it comes to dancing tasks on The Amazing Race, close is worth even more than it is in horseshoes. I can't remember the last time anyone had to do more than four tries at a dance, let alone thrice that. Anyway, back in the tent, Bopper chokes out, "Let's take what's been given to us right now." Together, Mark and the choreographer manage to cajole Mark into giving it another try. At least his sweat-soaked pajamas will have cooled off a bit in the minutes since he took them off, so that'll be kind of refreshing, in a completely disgusting way.
In a post-leg interview, Mark says that they might at least make their kids proud that they finished the leg and "didn't quit on nothin'." With that, he goes out for one more try, to great applause from his dance squad, and interviews while staring directly into the camera, "I hope it proves to my kids that their daddy loves them more than anything in this world." In other words: No, Mark Junior, you may not use the car tonight. Or ever. Bopper proudly says from the sidelines, "Glad to see him get back up there. Shake that leg, baby." Mark goes through his twelfth attempt, and while he messes up a step near the end, twelve tries is indeed apparently enough to satisfy the director, who runs up waving the clue. A thirty-person group hug on the stage ensues, and Bopper happily lies, "That boy can dance!" No, my eyes aren't watering, yours are. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what just happened and I don't care.
They read the clue sending them to the Indian Coffee House and run to the tent. "Let's get you some clothes on, brother!" Bopper says. The rest of their leg is shown in the style of a farewell montage, as Bopper says the race has challenged both of them, and that they're the underdogs. Bopper drives the slalom course, his leg holding up well enough for him to operate all three pedals, and we see misty water-colored flashbacks from earlier in the race: Mark skydiving, the two of them jumping with the Masai, Bopper showing his remaining teeth to the camera, Mark finishing the bottle dance in the third leg. Bopper continues, "We've given it 150% at everything we've ever done, so we can hold our heads up high with that. I'd have never been given this opportunity in my life if it hadn't been for the race, you know."
Finally they make it to the Pit Stop, where the greeter looks on sympathetically as Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive. They're just honored to be there. And besides, there's always the share of Art and JJ's prize from the last time Team Kentucky brought up the rear. Good thing they never pissed JJ off. Bopper says they never even thought they'd be in India, but here they are in the ninth leg. Yeah, India usually does come earlier. Mark talks about how he finally did it with the help of people backing him, and Bopper chokes up about Mark: "Everybody could use some extra money, but you can't replace this guy."
After a pause, Phil grimly blurts, "You're gonna have to muster your strength, because this is a non-elimination leg and you are still in The Amazing Race." Not surprising, not only due to the pacing of the race but also because they were sent to do the Detour instead of straight to the mat, like we've seen with other roadkill teams on seasons. "This is the second time you've managed to escape elimination," Phil reminds them. And how dumb would they feel if they'd had to take the penalty for quitting the Roadblock? That way they'd only have six hours to spend at the airport or train station or bus terminal instead of ten. Phil reminds them about the Speed Bump they'll face in the leg, but they've done that before, too. "We're gonna give it everything that we got in our heart and soul," Mark promises. Bopper says in a post-leg interview that they're going to stay in it until the final three. "Somebody's gonna have to fight the Kentucky boys for the million-dollar prize on the way home." And that somebody is in big trouble, unless they can still run and/or ride in the back of a motorized vehicle of any kind.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.