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From a Buddhist temple in Los Angeles that will serve as the starting line, we waste no time meeting the 19th (!) batch of teams: Andy & Tommy, who are Olympic snowboarders and yet think the other teams will underestimate them; Ethan & Jenna from Survivor, one of whom is also a cancer survivor; Laurence & Zac, who are not just father and son but father and son adventurers; a recently engaged couple named Ernie & Cindy; siblings Justin & Jennifer; grandparents Bill & Cathi; blonde twins Liz & Marie; dating couple Jeremy & Sandy; domestic partners and flight attendants Ron & Bill; married couple Amani & Marcus, the latter of whom is an ex-NFL player; and ex-showgirls Kaylani & Lisa, who seem to have a lot to prove.
Before they even get to head to the airport, the racers have to do a complicated letter puzzle involving searching through hundreds of umbrellas for ones that have letters on them that will help spell out their first destination: Taipei, Taiwan. Kaylani and Lisa are the last to finish the puzzle, which means they're going to have to do an additional, new challenge on this leg called a "Hazard." But that's only the beginning of their problems, because when they stop for directions to LAX, they drive off and leave one of their passports on the ground to the gas pumps. Meanwhile, Jenna and Ethan are trying to keep their Survivor experience quiet, but wouldn't you know it, other racers recognize them anyway. Kaylani's passport is returned to her through the combined magic of a Good Samaritan and Twitter, so they're not out of it. Yet.
In Taipei, everyone has to search a busy business district for a specific animated billboard that almost everyone walks right under without noticing. Eventually, teams start figuring out with the help of locals that they're looking for the Confucius Temple. That's the site of the first Road Block, where they have to memorize a proverb recited over a phone and repeat it back to a monk. Ernie and Cindy finish that first and head on over to Dajia Riverside Park. There, they join the crews of dragon boats to row down the river. Then it's to the first Pit Stop, the Martyr's Shrine, as they continue to lead the pack.
Kaylani and Lisa's Hazard turns out to be a bungee jump inside a mall atrium, which they complete while Liz is still stuck on the road block all alone, getting no help from her twin sister.
Ernie and Cindy are the first team to the Pit Stop, which means they win the Express Pass for the season. Ethan and Jenna end up in fourth place, so they've got a ways to go for their million from CBS. The passport-losers end up in ninth, and despite shitting the bed on their first Road Block, the twins come in tenth, thanks to former educators Bill and Cathi first falling behind and then going completely astray in downtown Taipei. However, the grandparents are in luck, because the first leg is non-elimination. Thanks for getting one out of the way, I suppose. But week will be a double elimination, so… it averages out?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Here it is, the nineteenth season. Hard to believe, isn't it? Soon we're going to have to stop counting.
Over lots of shots of shoreline porn, Phil declares, "This is the western edge of the United States." Could you be a little more specific, there, Phil? "And the world-famous coastline of California." Well, that only narrows it down by half, but there's the Santa Monica Pier, so I'm starting to get my bearings now. The camera zooms up along the Pacific Coast Highway to where Phil stands at a scenic pullout, telling us that from here, eleven teams will embark on a race around the world for one million dollars. He leaves out how it's the nineteenth time, though. Probably can't believe it himself.
You know how the teams are often conveyed to the starting line in some kind of interesting way? They're skipping that this time, just driving them all there in a bus with one of those full-body decal condoms on it, this one featuring the Amazing Race logo and the slogan "The World is Waiting," because some non-English major failed to realize that despite its length, "is" is a verb and thus should be capitalized. This show has gone so far downhill. Phil says the bus is bringing the teams to the Hsi Lai Buddhist Temple in the L.A. foothills, which has roofs like a Chinese pagoda. Very confusing to my six-year-old, who's watching with me. The teams start hopping off the bus one by one, so it looks like it's already time to meet them.
Andy & Tommy are former Olympic snowboarders from California. Over lots of footage of each of them snowboarding and wakeboarding and various other types of boarding, Tommy, the less shaggy one, says he was on the U.S. team in '02 and Andy in '06. He expects the other teams to see them as slackers, "but when it's time to get serious, we'll get the job done." Andy dubs them "the Machine and the Animal." I hope I'm not expected to know which is which any time soon.
I've watched all of one episode of Survivor in my life, and even I know who Ethan and Jenna are, although I don't think I was fully aware that they'd both won before. Or that they've been dating for seven years. Over footage of them exercising together, Ethan adds that he also had a rare form of Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which fortunately is in remission now, but which is gives their team that extra hook that The Amazing Race is looking for. Jenna basically says if they can beat cancer they can beat anything. The other teams had better hope there's no Road Block where they have to battle a tumor.
Phil describes Laurence & Zac as "father and son adventurers from Thousand Oaks, California." Zac says he became the first person under 18 to sail around the world in 2009. Presumably this circumnavigation will go somewhat faster. Laurence says that he and Zac have been through life-or-death situations, but when the odds are stacked against them, "we normally rise to the challenge." Presumably, otherwise they'd be at the bottom of the ocean now.
Ernie & Cindy are "recently engaged, from Chicago, Illinois." Cindy says she's a control freak, but Ernie's hoping the race will loosen her up a little bit, Yes, The Amazing Race certainly does seem to bring out the laid-back side of its competitors. Nothing helps people learn to relax and go with the flow like racing for a million dollars in unfamiliar surroundings.
Justin and Jennifer, from Stone Mountain, Georgia, are brother and sister, and they look it. Over footage of them fishing back home, they talk about how they have ups and downs, but they talk it (or yell it) out. "She's a little bit of a hothead," Justin condescends, and says it could be a challenge. Jennifer agrees. That'll show him.
Bill and Cathi are "married grandparents from Albany, Oregon." Why doesn't this show ever get unmarried grandparents? I expect unmarried grandparents by the 50th season, or I'm going to become incensed. Apparently these two have lived on a farm for 40 years, which, as Cathi says, means that they "really understand manual labor." We get a demonstration of this in the form of the two of them on a tractor. Running a farm without a tractor, that's manual labor. They figure the challenges on the race will be just like another day on the farm. We'll see.
Liz and Marie are twin sisters from Deerfield, Illinois, and they appear to be the designated blondes for the season. I'm not going to promise I'll be able to tell them apart any time soon, but if I could differentiate Jaime and Cara I can probably figure these two out eventually. They interview about how well they can communicate without even speaking, and then stare at each other eloquently for the cameras. One of them explains, "We're not breaking up, we're not losing each other. We're stuck with each other." So don't waste your time making up "Free Liz" or "Free Marie" t-shirts, okay? As if you know which is which either.
Jeremy and Sandy are dating, from "the San Francisco Bay area." They've both been married before and don't live together, so this will be more time than they usually spend with each other. Jeremy compares it to taking a car to the shop to see if you want to buy it. Sandy laughs, as opposed to deciding right on the spot that she's got a lemon on her hands, like most people would.
Ron and Bill are domestic partners and flight attendants, "both from Southern California." They hope their industry background will give them an edge over younger teams who are in better shape, as well as their ability to work together. "When it all unravels, I take it back," one of them says. Of course, there was a team of flight attendants in TAR14, but Jodi and Christie had the disadvantage of not being a couple as well.
Amani and Marcus have been married ten years, and are from Pine Mountain, Georgia. He played with the Indianapolis Colts for ten years, racking up 40 touchdown catches and protecting Peyton Manning. I know almost as much about football as I do about Survivor so I'll take his word for it. He interviews that he misses competing, but says he's back in game mode. "Anything less than winning for us is not an option," he vows, while his wife looks from him to us like she's starting to wonder what she's gotten herself into.
Kaylani and Lisa are "former showgirls from Las Vegas, Nevada." Over shots of them in shorts, bikinis, and their showgirl costumes, Kaylani interviews that people will look at them and think that since they're so pretty, they must be dumb. Which is totally unfair, because they're not all that pretty. Lisa predicts that the other teams will see them "from here up," pointing at her boobs, but insists that they've got it going on upstairs, as well. Which is why she got the direction wrong when she pointed at her boobs.
So that's eleven teams. Phil asks us which one of them will win, like we're supposed to know, and starts the long hike back down the PCH to the temple. Fortunately, we get to skip that walk and cut right to the courtyard, where the teams are lined up in front of him as usual. He gives them the usual welcome speech, explaining about the twelve legs, with the million dollars waiting for the winner of the final leg, and the Express Pass that's up for grabs for the winners of this first leg.
With that out of the way, Phil indicates their first challenge behind them. It's a long wall that looks like what would have appeared onscreen if Keanu Reeves had said in The Matrix, "We need umbrellas. Lots of umbrellas." Phil says that the umbrellas make up part of a word puzzle that they'll need to solve using six letters that will appear at the top of the display. Although the racers-to-be don't yet know what those letters will be, we get a flash-forward telling us that those letters will be "WANPEI." Each of the umbrellas has three letters on it, and using those letters twice and combining them with the other six will tell them their first destination. It sounds complicated, but Phil's explanation makes even less sense. Flash-forward again, as we see that they'll be looking for umbrellas with the letters T, A, and I, to form TAIWAN, TAIPEI. If they get it right, Phil will give them the keys to one of the white SUVs parked outside. Oh, and the team who finishes last? They'll get to inaugurate a brand-new penalty called a Hazard, which they'll have to do at some point during this leg. So basically it's a Speed Bump, except you get it for sucking at the beginning of this leg instead of sucking the whole leg. Phil signals the sign to flip, so they all get a nice long look at WANPEI before he says, "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe. [Massive eyebrow-pop.] Go!" Yep, still cool.
The teams sprint across the courtyard and start grabbing umbrellas and opening them, with really no idea of what they're looking for. You can tell because people just start bringing random umbrellas to Phil and lining up for his approval, so he gets really quick at telling them, "Not correct." The snowboarders, however, decide to "look for vowels," so they're the first to find a TAI umbrella and get their keys to leave. The other teams have no idea how they did that, other than that "it had an 'I' on it." Amani and Marcus are so excited to get it right that they almost leave without car keys, until Phil calls them back. They looked ready to run all the way to Los Angeles International Airport. Andy and Tommy get into their SUV, where a video of Phil on the dashboard screen congratulates them on figuring out their first destination, "Taipei, Taiwan." Dashboard Phil might be giving them a little too much credit. Amani and Marcus are also in their car, and soon two teams are rolling through the neighborhood in a very short caravan.
Liz and Marie, the blonde twins, are the to get it right and get on their way, with Ethan and Jenna close behind. So that's four very excited teams en route to LAX. Credits! M. Edium finds that shot of Christ the Redeemer over Rio familiar, and identifies it as "that statue of a person." His grandparents would freak. It's probably time we start giving him a little more of an education on the subject of Brazil.
Jeremy and Sandy, the previously married dating couple I'm calling Team Pre-Owned, are the to find the right umbrella, and crash into each other running out of the courtyard. Ernie and Cindy get it . As Jeremy and Sandy get into their truck, we hear more of Phil's dashboard video as he explains that they have two flights to choose from: one on China Airlines, which has room for the first eight teams, and another on Eva Air, which leaves twenty minutes later. As if twenty minutes is going to be a huge gap on a transpacific flight. Ron and Bill find the right umbrella and get a key, followed by Bill and Cathi, who says, "bless you" to Phil before scampering off. Laurence and Zac, the father/son team, get it , in ninth place. They may be good at life-or-death situations, but the Amazing Race doesn't have too many of those.
On the road to LAX, the snowboarders decide to stop and ask for directions. They pull into a Shell station and get directions to the 605 from a customer. This will be vitally important later. Back at the starting line, Phil seems to yell out, "Only two teams left! Remember, the last team to finish gets the Hazard penalty." Although that was clearly looped in later. The siblings, Justin and Jennifer, get it second-to-last, leaving only the highly intelligent showgirls still searching. But they soon find what they're looking for and head out, as Phil reminds us yet again that Kaylani and Lisa will have to do the Hazard. As they get into their truck with Lisa at the wheel, Kaylani says it sucks to leave in last, "but anything can happen." And it's about to. They pull into that selfsame Shell station for directions to LAX. Instead of asking a customer, they go inside to ask the cashier and then hop back in their truck, as an Amazing Cameraman zooms in tight on the passport lying on the pavement to the back wheel. And there it stays as the truck pulls out. This could be a very short race for them. But what's an Amazing Cameraman doing staying behind at the gas station anyway?
Teams are starting to arrive at the airport. Ron and Bill, the flight attendants, are the first to get there, I guess because they know all the best ways to get to LAX from anywhere, with Team Survivor right behind them.
On the road to LAX, Kaylani has, to her credit, not taken very long to realize that her passport is gone. If it were me, I wouldn't know it was missing until I had to show it to someone, so points for that, at least. They figure all they can do is go back and see if it fell out of the truck at the gas station, which we know perfectly well it did. "I'm seriously gonna vomit all over the place," Kaylani announces. Yes, that should fix it.
The first three teams, including Ernie & Cindy, have their Air China tickets. The showgirls are back at the gas station, and the passport is nowhere to be seen -- nor has anyone turned it in to the cashier. All they can think to do is go to the airport and see if another team picked it up, which seems like a pretty desperate Hail Mary to me. "If none of them have it, it's over," Lisa says. For them, she means. I think the other teams still get to keep racing.
Speaking of whom, more teams are getting booked on the Air China flight: Amani & Marcus, Laurence & Zac (Laurence, with his British accent, sounds extra-cool saying "Flight double-oh-seven"), and Jennifer & Justin. It's now dark outside, and the showgirls have arrived. In the parking shuttle, Lisa holds up her passport for the camera, virtuously saying, "Lisa has her passport." Kaylani points out that anger won't get them anywhere. Easy for her to say. The snowboarders somehow dropped from first to seventh on the way to the airport, like it matters to them, because they're still on the first flight. Jeremy and Sandy get the last slot on that flight, which they're just fine with. The team to reach the Air China counter is Kaylani and Lisa, asking if anyone turned in a lost passport. No luck there. "It's over," Lisa announces. Kaylani, refusing to follow Lisa to... I don't know, wherever Lisa thinks she's going, says they need to "come up with a plan" and "communicate," which Lisa correctly, if unhelpfully, points out, "You have no passport!" So plans and communication are probably not going to accomplish much. Unless Lisa communicates her plan to kill Kaylani, and even that would slow them down even more.
Team Friendly Skies and Team Survivor are in the airport bookstore, presumably doing a little research. Jenna interviews that they aren't going to tell anyone they were on Survivor. But obviously they don't have to, because a bunch of other teams are hanging out at the departure gate, already talking about the Survivor people. Not all of them recognized Ethan and Jenna, but Sandy and Jennifer were both aware that they're both million-dollar winners, and they're not shy about sharing their information. "That's just greedy!" Justin says. Ethan and Jenna interview how being on Survivor might just make them targets. Thanks, Boston Rob.
Kaylani's name is announced over the PA, calling her to the Information Desk. Better that than being intercepted in the terminal by a stern-faced Phil, still wearing the same clothes he had on the last time they saw him. They head over, and a guy in a leather jacket either recognizes them or spots their matching pink-and-black outfits and -- get this -- hands over Kaylani's passport. They all dash excitedly over to the Eva Air counter so the girls can book their tickets at long last, and then hug the two dudes who came to their rescue. It seems they found her passport at the gas station, and the dude in the hat explains that there was another group of racers who talked to him earlier. Sure enough, it's the same guy who gave Andy and Tommy directions to LAX, so it's even luckier for these two that the snowboarders got lost, otherwise they would have been long gone by the time the showgirls turned up. He explains that after finding the passport, he Tweeted (and we see it on the screen), as RyanStorms: "So #TheLife gets crazier so after being randomly filmed for the amazing race I see that one of them dropped there [sic] passport!!" Okay, I know I'm spoiled because I tend to follow people who can punctuate, capitalize, and spell, but, "#TheLife"? Anyway, someone Tweeted him back (and we also see), "Whats her name? She'll need her passport! Can you get it to LAX?" So he and his buddy came to the rescue, with Kaylani's passport. His buddy tells the girls he hopes they win (they won't), and with high-fives all around, they're on their way, the last team on the last flight. But they're better off than they would have been without Twitter, which I find is true of most people. Meanwhile, Zev and Justin are watching at home saying, "If our passport photos showed us as hot babes, someone would have brought ours back to us, too."
Looks like Bing has unseated Google Maps as the home of the Amazing Colored Lines, as we see both flights zip across the Pacific at night to Taipei. Phil tells us that when they land, they'll take buses to the Ximending Commercial District, where they'll search not for a clue box, but a certain billboard. The camera zooms in on one animated screen showing a cluster of red and yellow umbrellas, which vanish to reveal four Chinese characters that Phil says spell out their destination. How hard could that be?
The first flight, China Air, touches down and soon the eight lead teams are on the bus into town. During the ride, Cindy asks Marcus if he's a football player. He demurs, "I used to do a little round ball," and awkwardly adds that he's done some "protection" for famous people. He explains to us that like Ethan and Jenna, he's not going to advertise his past either so as not to become a target, and gives a lengthy justification for how what he said wasn't technically lying, since he's not currently a football player and he used to protect Peyton Manning on the field. As if anyone cares, up to and including Amani, who gives him an eloquent "whatever" look.
When the Eva Air flight lands, the twins and the showgirls make it onto the second bus, leaving the grandparents on what Bill calls "the tail end of the duck." Or, you know, the last bus. I say anyone who uses that expression deserves to be there.
On to the business district, which is dense with buildings, people, and advertisements, particularly a prominent archway painted to advertise Green Lantern. A moment of nostalgia, please, for when that was going to be a good movie. The eight lead teams pile off the bus and scatter, with no idea what they're looking for. Adding to the difficulty is the fact that the busy visual landscape includes an awful lot of red and yellow, including maintenance workers in red-and-yellow conical hats. Ernie and Cindy walk right to the square with the clue billboard overhead, Cindy muttering from their instructions, "Look up for your clue" and completely failing to notice the red-and-yellow billboard looming over the entire intersection. The eagle-eyed snowboarders, however, spot yellow-and-red undershorts peeking over the pants of a shirtless garbage man and ask him for a clue, but get no help there. As Jenna and Ethan reach the central intersection right below the billboard, Jenna says, "It has to be in some sort of central location." She's correct, but then they walk right on past it. Marcus spots the right billboard and is like, that can't be it, right? but then he and Amani keep going too. Other teams are also lost, and Jennifer and Justin are lost and bickering. "It's just the beginning," Justin sighs. Jennifer says she could care less, and Justin interviews, with his sister right there, that the challenges of the race are exhausting enough without the added challenges of their relationship. More bickering, and it's that most tiresome of all bickering varieties, that being bickering about bickering. These two are going to have a long race, no matter how many legs they run.
Eventually they meet up with Amani & Marcus, the latter of whose mind is still on the "balloons," so they head back to the correct billboard together and get to work copying down the characters. Flight attendants Bill & Ron are also wandering around, and when they spot the other teams under the billboard at the end of the street they head in that direction. By the time they get there, Justin is showing his notebook with the characters written in it to a local, who tells them, "Confucius Temple." Those two teams are happy to have a clue, and Jennifer rightly says they should keep it quiet. Other teams are starting to notice that billboard. Cindy, who is Asian-American, is copying down the characters, although she can't actually read them despite seven years of Chinese school. Jeremy & Sandy have also copied down the characters and are directed to the Confucius Temple by the same guy who helped the siblings and Team NFL, and Ron & Bill are also being directed that way, as are Ernie & Cindy.
The second bus arrives in the district with the twins and the showgirls, and they agree to work together for now. And they immediately discount the correct billboard. "I think it would be more obvious," one of the twins says. Which is an understandable sentiment, given how the last few seasons have gone, even though she's entirely incorrect. Finally the last bus drops off Bill and Cathi, who repeats, "Look up for your clue." Which they take as literally as possible while Bill makes a lame crack about ordering Chinese food. The snowboarders have met up with Team Survivor, back under the correct billboard. Ethan and Jenna go sprinting off wildly as soon as they hear "Confucius Temple" from a local, but Tommy's unwilling to actually act on a clue that comes in red-and-yellow balloons instead of red-and-yellow stripes. Okay, first of all, they're umbrellas, and second of all, this is a much more obvious clue than some dude's underwear.
Four lead teams -- Amani/Marcus, Justin/Jennifer, Jeremy/Sandy, and Ernie/Cindy -- take the train across town and run to the Taipei Confucius Temple. In the courtyard is a kiosk with clues hanging from it, and a monk in red-and-yellow robes (of course) overlooking the scene. Sandy and Jeremy, Team Pre-Owned, get to the clues first, and read that it's a Road Block: "Who's ready to play telephone?" it asks. Cut to Phil, telling us, "Although Confucius lived more than two thousand years ago, his words of wisdom live on today." And racers will get them via another relic of the past, namely a pay phone. They'll dial "1-800-CONFUCIUS" and a recorded voice will recite a proverb. They'll need to memorize it without taking notes, then run across the courtyard and repeat it verbatim to the monk to get their clue.
Sandy, Cindy, Amani, and Jennifer are doing this for their respective teams. Now if they can just find the pay phone. It's in one of the many passageways leading off the courtyard, obviously, but Sandy goes and tries to talk to a touch-screen information kiosk, while Cindy asks the monk for directions to the payphone in Mandarin and gets nothing from him. Either he's not allowed to help her, or dude flew in from LAX with Phil and didn't understand a word she said. The flight attendant who wears glasses is taking this one for his team; I don't know yet if that's Ron or Bill. Ernie remarks on how the girls seem to be doing this one. "Yeah, 'cause they like telephones," Marcus agrees. Hilarious. Then Team Survivor arrives, and Jenna nominates Ethan to take it. Cindy is the first to find the pay phone, and when she dials the number, we hear the recording while the words appear along the bottom of the screen in a subtitle: "In all things success depends on preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure." Which is both ironic, in that the whole point of The Amazing Race is that teams never have any idea what's coming and thus couldn't prepare if they wanted; and apt, in that Amazing Race teams have a high rate of failure. Seriously, it seems like ten teams lose this thing every season. Cindy hangs up, runs up to the monk, and attempts to recite the proverb, but forgets the second "" and gets it wrong. Too bad she couldn't do some preparation.
Back in the commercial district, the snowboarders and the father/son adventurers are getting directions to the Confucius Temple. Running off, one of the snowboarders declares the clue "gnarly," so I guess they're finally satisfied that the clue was actually the clue. Meanwhile, the two all-female teams are running around in circles. And Bill has decided that "look up" means that they need to find the tallest building. Too bad the highest skyscraper appears to be many blocks away. As they trudge in that direction, Bill interviews that he taught school for thirty years, and Cathi was a principal at two high schools. "As educators to our students, it was very embarrassing." I would think so. For the students, as well.
Jennifer makes an attempt at the proverb, and although she gets the gist, she's only a few words in before a big cartoon gong with the word "WRONG" stamped on it smashes into the screen. Cindy also gets the Wrong-Gong, as does "Ron & Bill" (the captions can't tell them apart yet either), Amani, Ethan, Sandy, Jennifer, and Ron or Bill again. Finally Cindy gets it right, so she and Ernie are off to their destination: Dajia Riverside Park. Jennifer also gets it right, so she and Justin leave, running past Ethan, who's having problems dialing the pay phone, and meeting the arriving snowboarders. Zac agrees to try this Road Block, while the snowboarders waste valuable seconds Roshambo'ing to determine that Andy's taking it. Sandy gets her clue , so she and Jeremy are in third place.
The twins and the showgirls are still searching for their clue when one of the twins says, "You guys?" and dramatically raises both arms to the red-and-yellow billboard, asking, "What's this?" "Are we idiots or what?" Kaylani asks, as though that hadn't been established before the first commercial break. But at least she's the one to drag a local over to tell them what it says.
Meanwhile, a mile away or more, the team who molded so many young Oregonian minds is boarding the elevator to the top floor of the highest building they can see. Cathi sticks her head out at the top and pulls it back in, satisfied they've got nothing. "Well, color me stupid," Bill says once they're back out on street level, trying to find clues in the clouds. Even after the ads, their search continues as Cathi says they're problem-solvers who are not accustomed to being defeated. Well, they do have a problem to solve: they suck at this.
Andy is trying to get the proverb right, and the Amazing Editors are playing some reggae music to go along with it and really underscore the stoner vibe. Come on, now, these guys are athletes. Andy's arms, at least, don't say "slacker" to me. However, the proverb leads him to a verbal faceplant. Zac also misses his first attempt. Ethan close-talks it to the monk, correctly this time, and the monk pops his eyebrows after handing over the clue like, Whoa, that dude was intense. And sweaty.
Ernie & Cindy's taxi drops them off near an asymmetrical suspension bridge that marks the Dijia Riverside Park. Do I have to mention that it's to a river? Under the bridge, they find a guy who hands them a clue telling them to "join a dragon boat race team." It's basically Chinese crew rowing, but only one racer has to row with the crew; the other only has to beat the drum. Which: lame. Phil says if they can manage that, the boat captain will give them their clue. All 220 or so rowers in the background raise their oars and cheer. Cindy will be doing the drumming, and after they get into matching team t-shirts and dorky pullover life jackets, they run over to the waiting boats and hop into one, quickly getting underway with the rowing and the drumming. "I feel so Asian right now," Cindy says happily in her flat Midwestern accent.
Amani gets the proverb correct, so she and Marcus are in fifth place, and he's very excited about it. Zac finishes in sixth. The bespectacled flight attendant finishes in seventh. Those matching teal shirts they've got on really show the sweat, don't they? Andy gets it correct as well, so he and Tommy are in eighth place and in search of "a crazy taxi driver." Then the twins and the showgirls arrive, and this one is being done by Liz and Lisa, respectively. Not that I can tell the twins apart yet, but one of them is going to be using the other's name a lot, here in a minute.
Out on the river, Ernie and Cindy's dragon boat makes the turn around the buoy and heads back. Jennifer and Justin arrive at the park in second, and Jennifer's doing the drumming, as Sandy will be doing for her and Jeremy. They all get prepped, and soon there are three teams out on the river, the two later arrivals meeting the returning Ernie and Cindy on their way back. Of course the latter team docks with its lead intact, and get their clue sending them to...the Pit Stop. That seems soon.
Over a subtitle reading "Martyr's Shrine," Phil tells us that the building we're looking at is "in memory of the hundreds of thousands of soldiers who died protecting Taiwan." Now, to honor them, there's a ceremonial changing of the guard every hour. That's a lot of guards they're going through, then. More importantly for our purposes, this is the Pit Stop. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated," Phil says. "May?" In the season premiere? Don't make us laugh, Phil. But clearly Philimination is the last thing on Ernie and Cindy's mind, as she says, "Let's go get that Express Pass." Jeremy and Sandy also finish up in second, with Jennifer and Justin in third.
Liz is making her first attempt at the proverb, and gets it wrong on the very first word, saying "with" instead of "in." Lisa runs past her and gets it right on the very first try, which is rather impressive. On the sidelines, Marie looks pretty unhappy to be left behind. But Team Vegas still has their Hazard to get through, on account of how they blew the initial challenge. According to their instructions, they have to take a taxi to the Core City Pacific Mall and find their clue on the eleventh floor. They take off, while Liz tries again and gets it wrong again, although she gets the first three words right this time around. Well, that's progress.
Bill and Cathi, meanwhile, are four hours into their search for the first clue of the race, and decide to head back to the district to look again. Well, if all else fails, do what you were supposed to do in the first place.
Kaylani and Lisa arrive at the mall, and find the triangular Hazard sign with their clue envelope waiting there for them. Phil rides one of the mall escalators as he explains: "One team member must leap headfirst into this crowded mall." It's an indoor bungee jump into a big atrium, though, so they should be fine. Kaylani interviews that the last time she did this, jumping off the Stratosphere in Vegas, her harness started coming loose. I wonder if her passport fell out of her pocket too. "Yeah, it wasn't a good experience," Lisa understates. But Kaylani's doing it this time anyway. She takes an escalator up to a catwalk, and while Lisa and crowds of Taiwanese shoppers watch, she waits through the countdown and dives right off. She only drops three or four floors, though, I assume because a longer cable might have her rattling around against the sides of the atrium like a clapper in a bell. Once she's back on her feet on the catwalk, she says, "I said I'd do anything for a million dollars, I meant it." It's still early.
Liz takes another crack at the proverb, getting the general meaning right but not the actual words. From the sidelines, Marie yells at her impatiently. Dissolve-montage of Liz listening to the proverb about failure and then living it, over and over again, while Marie yells more and more unhelpfully. You'd think that if your partner is trying to memorize exact words, screaming additional ones at her would be counterproductive. At the very least, maybe Marie should go back to that nonverbal communication they were bragging about in their introduction.
At the Martyr's Shrine, Ernie and Cindy are team number one, not surprisingly. A middle-aged soldier in a Taiwanese officer's uniform welcomes them, and Phil hands over the Express Pass, which will allow them to skip one challenge at any point in the race, and which has historically been used to jump from the middle of the pack to further up in the middle of the pack. Post-leg, Ernie interviews, "Control-Freak Cindy on the race is actually a pretty good teammate." Good of him to say so. Cindy says she's hoping that their success extends into the few legs. Well, if not, there's always the Express Pass to help them rocket from seventh to fifth. Jeremy and Sandy arrive in second place, and siblings Justin and Jennifer are team number three, although they don't argue about it.
Andy & Tommy arrive at the dragon boats, closely followed by Laurence and Zac. Ethan and Jenna have just finished the boat task in fourth place. Amani and Marcus show up in seventh place, and obviously Marcus is doing the rowing for this team. The Taiwanese crewmen, who have been yelling and raising their oars whenever anything happens, also do so when Marcus comes along with his oar. He takes this greeting like it's just for him. He seems to be a pretty excitable guy, or else he's still in severe withdrawal from life in the football stadium. This task is right in Laurence's proverbial wheelhouse, what with him being a former coxswain and all. Heh, "coxswain." The three teams are more or less racing, with Andy yelling across the water to make fun of the pink t-shirts Marcus and his crew are wearing. The snowboarders finish in fifth, Laurence & Zac in sixth, and Amani & Marcus in seventh. This task probably would have been more exciting if it were actually possible for boats to pass each other. The fact that they can't must make dragon boat racing a very boring sport to watch.
Cathi and Bill (remember them?) are finally back where they started, and they find someone to translate the correct billboard for them. That accomplished, the subtitle "Currently in last place" appears on the screen with a gong sound effect, as though to remind us that this breakthrough isn't such great progress at all.
But Liz is still stalled, at a loss. "Maybe I'm dyslexic," she says helplessly on her way back to the pay phone for the umpteenth time. "It's a phrase!" Marie screams. That's it, I'm making a "Free Liz" t-shirt.
As usual, an ad break is what it takes to shake things loose, so at least they're done and out of there before Bill and Cathi show up. But not long before, according to the editing.
Ron and Bill have arrived at the dragon boats in eighth place, and here come the showgirls as well, excited to have caught up with another team. Yes, they've clawed themselves all the way up to ninth place.
Cut to Cathi getting ready for her first attempt at the Road Block, complete with the Poignant Edit Of The Sweet But Doomed. Bill talks about their 41 years of marriage and the importance of mutual support. He has confidence in her, and sure enough, she gets the phrase right on the first try. And she's happy that they get to take a cab to the place. Could they actually close the gap? Of more than four hours?
Ethan and Jenna arrive at the mat as team number four. Bill and Ron are on their way to the Pit Stop, having finished the boats in eighth place. The showgirls are also done rowing, still in ninth. Amani and Marcus arrive at the mat in fifth place. Liz and Marie make it to the boats and set out, just hoping they're not in last place. Then there's a four-way race to the mat, with Zac getting there first, followed closely by his dad Laurence, then Andy, then Tommy. Phil gets them properly arranged, and so Zac & Laurence are Team number six, and the snowboarders are team number seven. The twins finish the boats in tenth place. Ron and Bill arrive as team number eight, and then Kaylani and Lisa as team number nine, much to their excitement. "You had a rough start to this race?" Phil prompts them. Lisa says they thought it was over, and Kaylani says it was "quite the journey." They each hold up their passports for Phil, and Kaylani interviews, "I guess that's why they call it the Amazing Race, because you really never know what's gonna happen. It's not over till it's over." And sometimes, as we're discovering more than once tonight, it's not even over then.
Liz and Marie are team number ten, and they practically tackle Phil with hugs while the Taiwanese army officer greeter is left out in the cold. They're just happy not to be last.
But how could they be, in a race that still has Bill and Cathi in it? At this point, they're out on the water in their dragon boat and just enjoying the day. Cathi VOs about how the race was frustrating and "one of the hardest things we've ever done" (all two days of it, most of that time on a plane), but they've enjoyed it. "That was more fun than I've had all day," she chirps as the boat coasts into the dock. They finally take it to the mat, and Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive. Grandparents on this show are like black guys in horror movies. "However," Phil says, "this is a non elimination leg and you are still in the race." What? Okay, well, I guess that's one less non-elimination episode to sit through later in the season. He warns them of the Speed Bump they'll have to deal with in the leg, and breaks some additional news: "For the first time ever, in Amazing Race history, we have a double elimination leg." Yes, two teams will be Philiminated week. Could be interesting. Cathi interviews that they'll need some ginseng to boost their energy level (so, you know, good thing they're in Taiwan), "but after the day that we've had, oh my gosh, we can put all of our energy into positive ideas about tomorrow." Yes, I'm positive they'll be Philiminated.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.