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This season's race starts in Gloucester, Mass., of all places. The teams are "home shopping television hosts" Brook & Claire; Chad & Stephanie, who have been together only eight months but are already buying a house together and bench pressing each other; Katie and Rachel, beach volleyball players; a capella singers Jonathan and Connor; doctors Nat and Kat; father/son-slash-"internet sensations" Michael and Kevin (yes, I remember them from the meetings); bikers Nick and Vicki; best friends Ron and Tony; dating/hating couple Jill and Thomas; father and daughter Gary and Mallory (the latter of whom is yet another beauty queen, and a screamer to boot, so, awesome), and recently reunited birth-mother and daughter Andie and Jenna. Many of these folks have really unrealistic expectations for the race, but as usual, that can wait until the full recap.
Before even starting the race, Phil tells everyone that the winner of this first leg will win the "Express Pass," a new thing that allows its holder to skip a task at any point in the race. The eleven teams race their Smart Cars to Logan Airport for the three available spots on the first flight to London, which go to Ron/Tony, Jill/Thomas and Chad/Stephanie. Upon arriving in Heathrow, almost everyone gets into the wrong side of the car, but it's Andie who almost grinds her engine into dust and Gary who flattens a tire. Stop one is Stonehenge, but all they have to do there is figure out how to get to Eastnor Castle. Which they have to literally storm, climbing ladders in the face of shouting peasants hurling buckets of sludge, then negotiating kiddie-pool-cover-sized boats across a lake. From there, it's a "joust" in which one racer has to take on an empty suit of armor with a giant slingshot that fires watermelons. You may have already seen how that goes for Claire, if you have an Internet. Jill and Thomas are the first to the Pit Stop, so the Express Pass is theirs. While the first five teams finish the leg (including the melon-victim), the back of the pack is persistently and spectacularly lost. Chad and Stephanie, who seemed like early frontrunners, are so befuddled by the boating and the part where they actually have to find Phil that they end up in eighth. Ron and Tony seem doomed, but Nick and Vicki are dumb enough to let themselves get caught -- almost. Sad to see Ron and Tony go, because they got along really well even when sucking wind.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"It's morning in Gloucester, Massachusetts," Phil announces over sweeping helicopter shots of the town. The views are breathtaking, as is the realization that this season isn't starting in Los Angeles. Phil himself is on the picturesque grounds of some sprawling seaside estate (which is actually ten miles away in Ipswich, according to reader Mary), telling us that it's from here that eleven teams will join a race around the world. "We're about to begin...The Amazing Race." And that ellipsis was my way of expressing a pause that could have accommodated all of the first sixteen seasons.
A small fleet of lobster boats is making its way across the bay, carrying the teams to the starting line. The editors make sure we see that one of the boats is christened No Excuses. Before we can wonder about whether the other craft have names like Non-Elimination or Killer Fatigue, it's time to meet the teams.
First are Brook and Claire, who Phil describes as "home shopping television hosts from Reno, Nevada." Brook, the blonde one, thinks they'll do well because they're such good communicators and manipulators. "Brook and I can sell ice to an Eskimo," Claire boasts. Well, now I know not to watch their channel.
Chad and Stephanie are "dating, from Miami, Florida." We see him bench-pressing her, so they've probably been together a while, right? That's not something you do on the third date. Actually, Stephanie says that they just met eight months ago, and just bought a home together. Yikes, I hope it's a condo. Chad says that the two of them balance each other (see, they're even riding bicycles together), and that he's going to ask her to marry him on the race. I assume he just means asking her on the race, not actually marrying her on the race. Although I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Phil is an ordained minister. And really, if he's not, he should become one. You never know. [Performing wedding ceremonies on the spot could certainly soften the blow of getting Philiminated. -- Angel]
Katie and Rachel are beach volleyball players who have been partners for five years. They look like beach volleyball players, and Katie (the one with the longer face) says they're strong, tough, and athletic, and the other teams had better look out for them. Is this a team of blondes that might actually make it to the halfway point?
On the opposite end of the high-school social spectrum are Jonathan and Connor, a couple of "Ivy League a capella singers." Seriously. We see them harmonizing on a version of "Amazing Grace" with the title changed to "Amazing Race," which I'm sure no one has ever thought of before. Jonathan, the one who wears glasses, says he thinks they'll sing a lot during the race, "to make the other teams like us [because that works so well for Andy on The Office] and to say thank you to our cab drivers [which, if there isn't an international blacklist of taxi passengers, that right there is a good way to get one invented]." They claim that tenors are the bad-asses of the a capella world, and I assume they're kidding. They harmonize, "We'll do anything for money." Except stop singing, presumably.
Nat and Kat are both doctors and best friends, and those are apparently their real names. It also earns them the easiest-to-type team nickname ever, Team @. I really hope they make it to the final three. Kat, the brunette, says they're used to being sleep-deprived, and Nat says they've been up at three in the morning for an emergency heart transplant. Let's hope they have to do one of those on the race. "I think we're a team of nerds and we're proud of it," Kat says. Big talk, given how they had to follow Jonathan and Connor.
Michael and Kevin are a father-son team and, according to Phil, "internet sensations" from Sugarland, Texas. Despite this gig, I don't keep up with internet sensations; anything that came after TWoP is a fad, if you ask me. Apparently Kevin posts videos of himself and his dad, and he explains that their million-subscriber humor comes from the fact that Michael is an immigrant (read: funny accent), whereas Kevin is a "first-generation Asian-American" and they have conflicting cultures. So, then, it's like Shit My Asian Dad Says? This internet thing, man, I don't know.
Nick and Vicki are a dating couple from Las Vegas. We see them out on their motorcycle, and Nick getting tattoos on his arm even though he's already got full sleeves. Vicky assures us that whatever people may think about them from looking at them, with their piercings and tattoos, they're actually very athletic. "We're definitely gonna kick ass." Well, I already knew from looking at them that I didn't want to get in a bar fight with them, so she's not really telling me anything new.
Ron and Tony are best friends from Los Angeles, who met while doing a production of The Wiz 22 years ago. Thanks for mentioning the title of the play so I can keep up the illusion of color-blind recapping. Ron, the smaller one with hair, says it's his best friend's dream to do the race. Nowhere is it stated that they are or ever have been a couple, but maybe we'll learn more in future episodes.
Jill and Thomas, from Marina Del Rey, are dating. Thomas describes himself as "extremely competitive" and "extremely outspoken." Can't people like him just describe themselves as That Guy and just save a lot of time? Jill describes him as "when he's right, he's right, and that's that." You too, Jill, just say That Guy. It's easier. She wants to show him that she can be right too, and he smugs, "It's going my way, without question." Sure, they hate each other, but the race will fix that. Or he'll just get Thatter.
Gary and Mallory are a father-daughter team from "Kentucky." Phil doesn't say what city, but then I went to Kentucky this year and it turns out? Not all of it is in a city. Mallory is Miss Kentucky 2009, because we haven't had a beauty queen on this show for a while, have we? As we see them having all sorts of outdoorsy adventures together, Gary describes Mallory as the boy he wanted to have first, so he taught her how to hunt and fish. Apparently they fly their own plane, too, which seems like it would be an unfair advantage in this competition. Phil will be like, "All teams are now flying to Sometown, Someland, except Gary and Mallory, who are already there because they looked at the sixteen-hour wait we tried to force them to endure in the airport and they said, 'fuck that.'"
Andie and Jenna are a biological mother and daughter who Phil describes as "recently reunited." I know some people are uncomfortable with this. As you may or may not know, my son M. Edium, who is almost six, was adopted at birth, and -- hey, who took my soapbox? Okay, I'm going to get on with the recap for now, but I'm going to keep an eye out for it. Let me know if it turns up, okay? Andie explains that she had an unplanned pregnancy when she was 21, and decided to "choose an adoptive family" for Jenna. That's a good way of putting it. You spend any time around people involved in adoption and you quickly learn that the expression "giving up for adoption" isn't always well-received (no, that wasn't my soapbox, that was just a 12-pack of Dial from Costco. I'm still looking). Andie goes on to say that they just recently met. Jenna says they've always wanted to get together, "so hopefully after the race we'll really feel fulfilled." Wow, really? I'm not judging, but that's kind of a lot to put on a game show.
So that's everyone. The boats dock and the teams run up the steps as Phil asks rhetorically, "Who has what it takes to win The Amazing Race?" I guess it's going to have to be at least two of them, no matter what.
Once they're all assembled on the lawn in front of him, Phil gives his usual speech, which, as in recent seasons, includes the warning that this will be one of the most grueling races ever. Like he would ever say, "We're taking it easy on you guys, so you can pretty much slack off." But Phil does have some actual news for them: the first team to make it to the Pit Stop during this first leg "will receive the most important prize that we have ever given away." More important than a million dollars? It's the Express Pass, and whoever wins it will be able to use it before or during any challenge to skip the task, get the clue, and move on. Wow, that could be huge. It'll be interesting to see how that plays out. Or, I should say, it had better be interesting to see how that plays out. "And if I was you [sic], I'd race like crazy to get it," Phil adds.
And to ratchet up the competition even further, Phil tells them that there are two flights waiting for them at Logan Airport in Boston, but the first flight has room for only three teams, and is scheduled to arrive thirty minutes earlier. Anyone who's ever been on a plane or at an airport or knows someone who has knows that "scheduled to arrive" are key words, but why get into that at this early stage? Phil tells them their first clue is waiting on the baggage they brought, and after reading them, they'll need to jump into the waiting Smart cars (I looked up how to capitalize that, but the company website insists on calling them "smart fortwo," no caps, and I want no part of it) and head out. Phil reminds them that whoever wins at the end of twelve legs will win one million dollars. Big cheer, even though a million dollars isn't what it was when this show premiered nine years ago.
Phil's finally ready to start the race. Raising his hand, he slowly recites, "Good luck...travel safe...go!" I don't get the chills any more, but I can't help smiling. And I tried. The teams flow past Phil in an undifferentiated mass, around the manor house, and to the backpacks with the clues. Amid crazy-fast editing, they learn that they're flying to London, England, and from there they'll be driving themselves to Stonehenge. "AAAH!" Mallory screams. At some point this season, those three words will comprise most of a recap, but that point is not yet here. Their allowance for the first leg is a hundred dollars. Everyone runs for the Smart cars and jumps in, to the extent that such is possible with a Smart car. Brook & Claire are out in front. "We're on the Amazing Race!" Brook crows. "These cars are, like, my size," Mallory observes. This is all being recorded on Taxicab Confessions equipment, because there's no room for camera or sound crews in those soup cans. And if there were, they'd probably kill themselves anyway when biker Nick pronounces, "Gonna win us the blingin' buckarooskis!" I have a blingin' headache.
Credits. Nat and Kat? Nick and Vick? Jon and Con? What is this, the Dr. Seuss season?
Right after the credits, Brook and Claire ask some passing cyclists for directions to the airport, and fist-bump after getting pointed to Route 128. The race certainly is going well for them so far. Tony tells Ron to get his compass out, so they can know which way is south. "This is going to be one of our strongest suits, is being able to navigate really well," Tony jinxerviews. Chad is happy to let Stephanie do the driving, and she remarks that she's seen Stonehenge before. "You mean you've seen it on TV?" Chad asks. Stephanie duhs, "Yeah, I've never been." One continent, one country, two cities, a dozen or so miles, and they're already sniping at each other.
In other dating couple news, as we visit Jill and Thomas's car, they interview that Thomas went to Notre Dame and Jill went to cosmetology school. Thomas thinks his education will give him an advantage in the race. He certainly seems to think it gives him an advantage in their relationship. And she might be kind of defensive about it, so that should be a fun dynamic for all of us. And if everyone comes on the race with something to prove, Jill's is, "You don't have to be a college grad to be able to finish the Amazing Race." Although, if she does, Thomas might just claim it was only because of him.
Jenna remarks that she's never been in the same car with Andie. Well, except for nine months or so. Andie offers to tone down her usual aggressiveness, which Jenna says not to. Yeah, this wouldn't be a good time to hang back. It's a race, after all. Push that car as hard as you can without snapping the rubber band. They interview that they first heard each other's voices through the application video for the race. "This is actually the third time we've been around each other." Ooh, really? Now I'm starting to see why people are uncomfortable with it. Seems a little exploitative on CBS's part. Which, I don't know how I can even say that with a straight face, coming off another season of Big Brother. Andie adds that they have their own families and live in different states, so this is probably it for them and they're going to make the most of it. Seriously? They have no plans whatsoever to see each other after this? Whatever works, I guess, but I'd say it's a little early to be ruling anything out.
Jonathan and Connor pause to ask directions and learn they're on the wrong side of the city. Wow, that was quick. "I hope we get out of America," Jonathan jokes, so he's probably glad they're not doing the family edition. Then the car gives a lurch, which means they probably ran over a cockroach.
Logan Airport. Driving past, Brook and Claire miss the sign for "pre-flight airport parking," but Ron and Tony don't, so they're the first to park and get aboard the shuttle. Chad and Stephanie park , Chad acting like a big spaz (possibly because Stephanie made him smell her stinky bandanna for some reason) and they're on the shuttle, with high hopes for being on the first flight. Thomas and Jill arrive , and Jill's happy to see only two other Smart cars parked there. Visible ones, that is; you never know if there are more inside the ones they can see, like Russian nesting dolls. are Katie and Rachel, the volleyball team, and they fail to get on the same shuttle with Jill and Thomas because they can't get their back hatch open in time. Come on, how hard is that? Just look for the pop tab. Gary and Mallory park , followed by Brook and Claire, and both teams get on the same shuttle, which leaves while doctors Nat and Kat are still unpacking their car. The three women work themselves up into quite a lather of excitement, to the point where Mallory is screaming just because she's so excited about screaming. It's a good thing she is a girl rather than the boy Gary wanted, because all that screeching would be even more off-putting coming from a dude.
Inside the terminal, Ron and Tony are the first team to secure seats on the first flight to Heathrow. Tony says they want to get the Express Pass. I have to say, if nothing else, the new twist at least motivates people to do better than tenth place in the first leg.
Chad and Stephanie are the team in the terminal, but they don't know where to go once they get inside. As a result, Jill and Thomas are able to jump ahead and get the second set of seats. Katie and Rachel get off the shuttle, still hoping to get on the first fight. A ticket agent directs Chad and Stephanie to the correct American Airlines counter, way at the other end from where they are, and then it's a footrace from different directions to the right counter. Finally, commercials!
After the ads, Chad and Stephanie win that race, so they're on the first flight, whether they deserve it or not. Katie and Rachel look defeated and winded. I guess there isn't much distance running in volleyball. Off to the counter for the second flight on Virgin Atlantic. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a virgin team this season to take that as a good omen.
Gary and Mallory are the first to the Virgin Atlantic counter, so I guess they didn't even bother trying to get on the American flight, even through they're out of breath. So are Brook and Claire, the latter of whom thinks she's about to barf. "It's okay, barf, puke in the trash can," Brook chirps helpfully. That supportive attitude will certainly come in handy in the unlikely even that Claire should get hurt in some kind of freak accident or something. Team @ and Michael/Kevin show up, as do Nick and Vicky (whom I am going to put off dubbing the *icks for as long as I can). Intros all around. Mallory hugs everyone and learns that she's already been nicknamed "Sunshine," I guess because of her blond hair and her yellow team color and being a big happy dork. They remark on the absence of the "Green team," meaning Connor and Jonathan. "The guy that looks like Harry Potter," one of them says, which the Amazing Editors corroborate with a shot from inside the *on*mobile (okay, I'll stop). "We call them Team Glee," someone else says, which maybe says more about Glee than it does about the team being mentioned. They are indeed the last to make it to the airport, as advertised..
Ron and Tony meet up with the other two teams on the first flight, and Tony points to himself as he interviews that the other teams may have been underestimated him and Ron, "because they've got a big fat guy on their team." Tony is big, especially compared to Ron, but I wouldn't call him fat. Over at the Virgin gate, Team Glee finally shows up and gets to meet the other teams on the second flight, and joke about how bad their navigational skills are. Which I'm sure is not remotely strategic. Brook discreetly interviews. "Let's just say we will not be following them." They'd have to get in front of you first, ladies.
The first flight, with a departure time of 7:15 PM, boards with, in case you forgot, Chad/Stephanie, Jill/Thomas, and Ron/Tony. The other eight teams board the second flight, and although we don't get to see its departure time, an Amazing Red Line and an Amazing Gold Line cross the Atlantic to London almost simultaneously. "Rule Britannia" plays as the b-roll hits all the major landmarks ("Look, kids, Big Ben, Parliament!"), and the first flight lands at 6:57 AM. That seems like a pretty short transatlantic flight, taking into account the time difference, but let's keep moving. The first three teams head to the parking garage and find the waiting fleet of cars with the Amazing Little Dashboard Flags visible in the windshields. Jill and Thomas are the first to reach the cars, and Mr. Notre Dame gets in the left side of the car, fully seated before he realizes there's no steering wheel in front of him. Welcome to England! They have a good laugh about that. Now it's just a mile to the M25 and they're in good shape.
Despite his self-intro at the beginning, Thomas's voice sounds so laid back you might almost imagine that his last name is Chong. Ron & Tony hit the road and Ron, behind the wheel, says, "Our first order of business is to stop and get a map." What, they didn't have any of those in Logan? Where you sat around waiting for the whole afternoon? Chad also mocks Stephanie for getting in the wrong side of the car, and she remarks that driving stick left-handed is "really weird." I can imagine. In fact, I think Pee-Wee Herman tried that same argument. They're looking for the M25, and Chad is a little shirty when he tells her they're going south. They're not yet, but they will be.
Jill and Thomas talk about wanting the Express Pass. I want to see someone say, "No thanks, we're not interested. We want to do all the tasks. In fact we're going to do both Detour options in every leg. We're here for the experience!"
Ron and Tony stop at a petrol station for a map. Tony interviews that he has his undergraduate degree from Stanford and an MBA from the University of Arizona. Despite this speech, Ron says Tony downplays his education, and he hopes it comes into play on the race. "Yes, it will," Tony says confidently. You know who else had a lot of degrees? This season's Big Brother jury. I'm just saying.
Chad and Stephanie realize they're going the wrong way, and he yells at her a little about changing lanes. Stephanie interviews that he's got a loud, foul-mouthed temper, which she blames on his having been a football player. Clearly she doesn't watch Glee either. Back in the car, Stephanie says she's trying to take in being here as well as driving. "Who cares about being here?" Chad dicks. "I don't care about that right now." Charming. You know when people get to the end and they say they wouldn't have wanted to do the race with anyone else? I bet Stephanie isn't thinking that right now.
The second flight lands at 7:18, only 21 minutes behind the first one as opposed to the scheduled 30. It's not an hour and a half earlier, but I'll take it. It's an eight-way race for the car park, with Brook and Claire first again, although Brook almost gets in the wrong side as well. They're on the road in fourth place, with Nat and Kat in fifth, and Nick and Vicky in sixth. As Team @ gets on the motorway, Nat asks Kat for her finger pricker. Yep, she's has type-1 diabetes, which I have to think would be a bitch to deal with on this race. And while driving, no less. "The schedule's off, I don't know when I'm going to eat..." Yikes. I don't want to see anyone going into insulin shock this season, okay?
Other teams, like Brook/Claire, Katie/Rachel, and Gary/Mallory, also seem to be navigating well. Not so much Nick/Vicki, Kevin/Michael, and Andie/Jenna. Andie has the added difficulty of having mistaken her gearshift for a chemist's mortar and pestle, judging by the noises she's making with it. Behind her, Jonathan and Connor can smell the toxic fumes she's generating with her transmission. I wonder if the car rental agencies ever see the way racers treat their vehicles on this show and send strongly worded letters to CBS demanding more money. Even further back, Ron and Tony have realized they're going the wrong way. Where's Tony's compass? Does it only work in Massachusetts? Chad and Stephanie get directions to Stonehenge from a McDonald's customer, and getting back in the car, Stephanie is thinking out loud to herself about where they need to go until Chad rudely interrupts from the back seat, "No, because we drive on the left-hand side of the road, so we're going to go around and then go around it." He really puts the "prick" in "navigator," doesn't he? Which I guess would make it "npravigickator."
Andie continues to grind gears while Jenna sites cringing in the back, probably regretting all the time the two of them spent apart, because if she'd grown up knowing Andie, she could scream at her right now. Behind them, Team Glee notices a problem. Jonathan refers to them as "The Gilmore Girls," which they're pretty much the opposite of, but he probably can't be expected to know that yet. Connor tries getting the women's car started but gets nowhere. All four of them agree that the singers should go on ahead, even though that leaves Andie and Jenna stranded in a middle lane, with angry, honking traffic oozing slowly by. At least if Jonathan and Connor were still there with them they could harmonize with the car horns.
After the ads, though, Andie figures out something with reverse and the clutch, so I guess the car was fine after all. Which makes me a little curious about how hard Connor really tried to get it going again. Jenna says in a post-leg interview that Andie did a really good job. Some London commuters might disagree.
"We screwed up, big time," Thomas announces. That must have happened during the commercials. He stops for directions from a couple of guys in a parking lot. The good news is that pretty much everyone in England probably knows where Stonehenge is, so they're soon on the right track again, and only ten miles out.
Nat and Kat are the first to see the road sign marking Stonehenge, and there it is. It's much bigger than it was in This Is Spinal Tap. They're really excited to be there. "Those are big frickin' rocks," one of them observes as they power-walk to the clue box. The clue reads, "Find the castle that is the opposite of nor'easter." Phil explains that they have to figure out that's Eastnor Castle. I would have gone haring off in search of Southwest Castle, so it's good I'm not there. Nat and Kat, more wisely, decide to ask someone. That's why they're doctors and I'm not.
Jill and Thomas are the to arrive, just ahead of Katie and Rachel, the latter of whom pauses in getting out of the car to try to put her jacket on upside-down. They're just happy to have caught up to a team from the first flight. Uh, yeah, Nat and Kat did that, too and passed them. Catch up to them, while you're at it. Some park service guy tells Team @ that they're probably looking for Eastnor Castle, near Tewkesbury. You know, where Richard III stabbed that dude. Jill/Thomas and Katie/Rachel also rip open their clues, the former team returning to the park gate so they can ask to "borrow internet" and the latter getting help from the same park service guy who helped the doctors. Jill/Thomas check Google Maps (which would send them through the original Gloucester, coincidentally) and are soon on the road again, Thomas congratulating both Jill and himself. Rachel and Katie, however, are running into trouble in the form of Rachel having somehow completely forgotten how to drive stick since they got there. I've heard some of the legends about Stonehenge, but I wasn't aware that it could suck practical knowledge out of your brain.
"I've never speedwalked this fast in my life," Brook pants as she and Claire hurry to the clue box. Looks good doing it, too. There must be a no-running rule on the park grounds, ever since that little mishap with the Griswolds. They rip the clue in fourth place, and they wonder who they're going to ask. If only someone were around who knew something about England.
Rachel is still having trouble with the car, although now the problem is getting it up the hill in town. "Like a big hill, like an England hill," she describes it in a post-leg interview. Looks more like a Kansas hill to me. Nat and Kat, meanwhile, stop at a gas station for directions, and when Brook and Claire fall in behind them, they decide to work together. Brook and Claire are impressed with the doctors. We may have our first alliance of the season.
Rachel is having so much trouble driving that Katie has to get out and push. Which doesn't work, but Rachel gets it going anyway. Katie has to run and catch up. This does not seem like a very efficient way to get to Tewkesbury. If that's how Richard III had to do it, no wonder he stabbed someone when he got there.
Ron and Tony are nowhere. Ron, who is driving, hasn't seen any signs, and Tony can't seem to see anything from the back seat so he can't navigate. They're keeping cool, though. But it would be even cooler if they knew where they were going.
Gary and Mallory are in sight (and earshot) of Stonehenge, with Team Glee right behind them in sixth place. After both teams read the clue and yet somehow still have none, Mallory goads the guys, "Come on, Princeton!" They finally get directions from some guy in the parking lot with a GPS and head out together. I just got a GPS this summer and it's changed my life. If I ever go on the Amazing Race I'm totally bringing it with me.
Chad and Stephanie arrive at Stonehenge in time to see Anide and Jenna already out of their car. "I guess we're not in third any more," Chad understates. Yeah, that would be eighth. Nick and Vicky are arriving in ninth, and Vicky announces, "This is the first time I've ever even heard of Stonehenge, and then I found out that it was a bunch of rocks." Oh dear. I'll have to assume that none of her tattoos are of Stonehenge, then. Michael and Kevin (remember them?) are glad just to be going the right way before they open their clue in tenth place.
"We had such a good lead," Tony laments on some motorway somewhere, and Ron says, "We're here now. Let's make it work. Let's fix the problem." There's a positive attitude, and then there's delusion. For all they know they're on the wrong side of the Chunnel by now. They find a middle-aged couple willing to give them directions in a Starbucks, because this season's teams seem to have decided that the most trustworthy direction-givers are to be found in American chains.
Jill and Thomas are already at Eastnor Castle in first place, closely followed by the doctors and the home shopping hosts. In the back seat behind Brook, Claire is so excited about her first challenge, "I'm literally getting the heebie-jeebies, like goose bumps all over. I think I'm gonna pee my pants." Aw, Claire, don't be afraid; what's the worst that could happen? "I do not wanna be the first girl on The Amazing Race to pee her pants," Brook says. She might change her mind, if the alternative were being Jen.
Everyone parks and races for the clue box, which Jill and Thomas reach first. They'll have to "storm the castle," which in this case means climbing a ladder to breach the castle wall. The challenge is that the battlements are lined with a mob of peasants who will be flinging canvas pails full of dirty water down on them. Once they scale the wall, they'll need to grab a medieval flag, then take a "boat" across a moat, although the moat is more like a lake and the boats are barely worthy of the name, but we'll come to that later. Once across the moat, they'll exchange the flag with a knight in armor for their clue. The footrace to the castle begins, Brook loudly giving Claire encouragement. There's some pretty scary footage of some nasty-looking, dentally-challenged "peasants" screaming into the camera, but Brook and Claire are undaunted, even as the water starts coming down. And I don't think those cloth hoods they're wearing provide much protection. I think they're only there to hide the helmets they have to wear for the climb. They also appear to have safety ropes, because we certainly don't want anyone getting hurt today.
Jill and Thomas go for another ladder, him telling her not to look up because then the water will hit her smack in the face. That's the difference between your Notre Dame and your cosmetology school right there. We get to see a close-up of the brackish pond-water the peasants are throwing, and it doesn't look at all nice. "Woo-hoo, we're medieval!" Brook whoops as she and Claire top the wall. The three lead teams, all of them completely soaked, grab their flags and run to the lake.
Gary and Mallory stop at a gas station for directions, and discover that their left front tire is flat. Jonathan and Connor, who left Stonehenge with them, get out, take in the situation, and quickly decide that they need to get going. Gary and Mallory understand, and Mallory even fist-bumps them as they promise to catch up, but dude, I'm starting to think you don't want to be driving in front of Team Glee. "This is not how I pictured my day in the English countryside," Mallory says as she wrestles the spare. Hey, we can still get some culture out of this. Just say "puncture" instead of "flat tire," and if you do say "tire," spell it "tyre." See? Tally ho!
Gary makes good use of the commercial break to get the tyre changed (I don't think I could do it that quickly, especially taking into account that I would have tried to jack up the opposite side of the car) and are soon back on the road, although Gary's worried about driving too fast on what he calls the donut. No, Gary, in England it's a "scone."
Brook hollers Claire all the way to the moat and the boats. Jill/Thomas and Nat/Kat are right behind them. And let me tell you about these "boats." You ever see one of those kiddie pool/sandboxes shaped like a big plastic turtle, with a plastic domed cover that fits over them? These wood-and-canvas boats are almost exactly the size and shape of one of those covers, with one plank stretching across as a "seat" that's all but impossible to actually sit on. That's because these boats don't actually balance, or even float, really. The teams try to jump right in and tow themselves along the ropes that stretch across the moat, but the boats float so low and tip so easily that they almost immediately sink, and they all have to go back and start over. "We have to actually stay on the boat, not just swim beside it?" Thomas asks jokingly in an interview. Seems like even swimming under it would be easier than trying to sail it. Their displacement is so small that once you take on even a dram of water, you might as well be on the Edmund Fitzgerald. All three teams give it another try, and Jill & Thomas seem to be the first to figure it out -- him staying low in the boat while she pulls them along the rope. Can't argue with a solution that results in your teammate doing all the grunt work.
Chad and Stephanie are arriving at the castle in fourth place, followed by Katie and Rachel. "My pants are falling off!" one of them says as they run to the clue box. I guess as beach volleyball players, they're not really used to wearing them. We learn that they refer to Stephanie as "Tinkerbell," probably because of Stephanie's blonde pixie cut. Trying a little too hard with the nicknames, girls. If Stephanie were really like Tinkerbell, who needed applause to survive, dating Chad would kill her dead. Both teams head up the ladder.
Ron and Tony have found Stonehenge. The majestic stones, which have stood for millennia while patiently chronicling the infinitely slow dances of the heavens, are like "Finally!" The last-place team asks a different park service guy for help, and Ron wonders if there are other teams ahead of them. "Lots and lots," the old bloke says cheerfully. "Did that really happen, did we just blow it that quickly?" Ron interviews. Hey, it's a race; you have to do everything fast. Unfortunately their speed was used in to going from first to last in less time than any team since Zev and Justin.
.
Back at the moat, Thomas is giving Jill encouragement as she pulls them across. Nat and Kat, who have the advantage of being roughly the same size, are sitting facing each other, handling the rope between them like they're knitting with a spiderweb. Brook is trying to keep Claire focused, even though the wind keeps threatening to pull them out from under the guide rope, and once that happens, you're screwed, with no way to get back on course but sink and wade back to the beginning. Jill and Thomas reach the far side as Chad and Stephanie reach the boats waiting for them.
Katie and Rachel have topped the castle wall and go running with their flag. "All right, Katie, don't hit any trees with that thing," Rachel warns. Nat/Kat and Brook/Claire reach the far shore as Chad and Stephanie try to get into their boat. Which involves them trying to stand on it and it sinking under them. And then doing so again. Chad's already pissed, and Stephanie tells him to calm down. "You freaking out is not helping anything at all." It's helping me decide which team isn't my favorite, though.
Andie and Jenna go into a gas station looking for directions to "Norwest Castle." That doesn't work. Hell, even here in the states, Norwest became Wells Fargo years ago. Andie interviews that it's both an advantage and a disadvantage that they don't know each other. Jenna elaborates that the disadvantage is not knowing what the other person will be good at. I'm...not hearing an advantage.
Nick and Vicky ask for directions in a store, but get nowhere. "I need kindergarten directions, obviously," Vicky interviews. Does that rule out left and right? They're no more lost than Ron & Tony, though, because as Tony says, nothing is clearly marked. Well, not if you're looking at it through the roof of the car, Frankenstein.
Back at the castle, Jill and Thomas run onto a field where a jousting tournament is going on with armored riders on horseback. They have to find a knight wearing the same colors on their flag to get their clue from. Once that's done, Phil says they'll use a medieval weapon called a ballista (actually a big, fixed slingshot) to shoot melons at a knight -- okay, actually just an empty suit of armor -- that's standing fifty feet away. And I gotta say, seeing a watermelon go sailing into a suit of armor and sending it clattering in pieces to the ground is kind of impressive. Once that's done, they'll have to go to the nearby jester, who's juggling clubs while standing on a ball, to get their clue. Thomas is taking this one. He jumps up o the horse behind the knight wearing the colors of his flag and rides off to the field of battle. Brook is all excited that Claire gets to do the same, because she grew up in a ranch and knows all about horses. Yeah, that's not going to be the hard part, Brook. Nat's doing it for Team @, and just as a reminder, Nat's the blonde one.
We get to see a couple of knights making jousting passes during the racers' short ride to the ballistas. Thomas starts firing melons, missing at first. Brook is so impressed with Claire in a post-leg interview that she calls her Wonder Woman. Which will be justified, but probably not at the point where they're showing the clip. Claire's having fun, even though her first melon falls a little short of the target. Nat's not getting enough height on her launches, but Claire's figuring out that she can get more loft by lying almost flat on the ground. Hard to imagine what could go wrong with that technique.
Connor and Jonathan arrive at the castle in sixth place, Jonathan wondering if they have time to pee. Out at the moat, Chad and Stephanie are slowly crossing, but the wind's kicking up and she's telling him not to go too fast. Katie and Rachel board their boat, saying, "We're tinier than they are." Team Glee is climbing the wall as they interview that they're missing graduation to do the race. Jonathan interviews that this race is their "last opportunity to have fun and kind of be kids in a way." Oh, you still have fun after you graduate from college. It's just not the kind of fun that a younger person would recognize as fun, per se.
Chad and Stephanie sink just as a subtitle reads "12th Attempt." Chad angrily punches the lake, which surprisingly does not yield to him in battle. The singers now have their flag, and one of them geeks, "For freedom! For England!" as they run with it. A little rusty on our Braveheart I see. On their way back to shore, Chad and Stephanie wade past the volleyball chicks, who narrate, "We just passed Tinkerbell and Pan." Seriously, with the nicknames? Although I must admit that Chad does have some growing up to do. Then they comment on how "the nerds are so nerdy, Glee" as Jonathan and Connor arrive at the shore. Whatever, I've seen nerdier. I may have even been nerdier.
The three lead teams are still launching melons, and Thomas knocks down his knight first. He gets his clue from the jester, and all they have left to do now is get to the Pit Stop. A ninety-minute show with no Detour? Phil tells us that they'll be looking for "this forested meadow" on the castle grounds, where he's hanging out with some bivouacking knights. "The last team to check in here will be eliminated," says take-no-prisoners Phil. Jill and Thomas go running across the field, and quickly find Phil standing in front of the tents and medieval musicians. You don't often see a hurdy-gurdy being played on prime time network television, but here we are. They run to the mat, a knight-greeter with his visor up welcomes them to Eastnor, and Phil tells them they're team number one. He hands them the Express Pass -- which is just a postcard with "Express Pass" printed on it -- and tells them they can use it at any time up to the eighth leg. I don't remember him mentioning that limitation before. Thomas interviews that it could be an opportunity to stay in "if we were to make a grave mistake." But what if that grave mistake is losing the Express Pass?
Katie and Rachel seem to have made it across the moat without incident, and Jonathan and Connor are navigating it as well. Chad and Stephanie, by the way, are still inching across the water. "Ready to beat the buff team?" one of the singers says. The buff team, by the way, seems to have taken off most of their clothes. Which I guess is how Team Glee knows that they're buff.
Claire's closing in on her target, but Nat shatters hers first, so she and Kat are off to the Pit Stop in second place. Although Kat tells Nat, "Stop for a second and see what you just did," which is kind of awesome. Claire fires again, and misses again. Rachel manages to ride the back of a knight's horse to the waiting ballistas without getting stuck trying to go up an England hill. Nat and Kat wade unnecessarily across a pond to the Pit Stop while Phil and the knight exchange an eloquent look of wherefore the fuck?. But second place is second place, and Phil tells them, "The doctors are team number two." And you know what's right above the two on a keyboard? @. It's fate!
Kevin and Michael are climbing the wall, and Michael's post-interview color commentary mostly consists of him laughing openly while recounting it. Is that what most of Kevin's videos consist of as well? Because I'm kind of seeing the appeal, a little.
Claire is still firing melons, and Brook's constant encouragement must be getting tiring. For Claire, that is; Brook doesn't ever seem to run out of steam. Rachel starts shooting. Claire has a near-miss as her melon hits the flag standing to her knight. Pow! Even contact with that flimsy target sends melon shrapnel flying, which gives you an idea of how hard those things must hit. Can you imagine getting struck in the face with one of those? At, like, point-blank range? Good thing that could never happen. As Claire winds up for her shot, Brook makes the unfortunate remark, "Right in the kisser." Claire releases her melon -- but the ballista doesn't. At least, it doesn't on the way out, but on the way back. And the melon hits Claire in the face, at point-blank range. A couple of times, in fact, thanks to the magic of slow-motion instant replay. I just wish the shot was better framed for those of us who don't have widescreen TVs. Which I'm sure is Claire's main concern as well. At least we have the internet, which has shown us this clip several hundred times over the past month or so.
After the ads, we get to see that again a few times, then Brook asks Claire if she's okay. "I can't feel my face," Claire says with admirable clarity, considering. "I have the worst headache ever." Brook's sure of that, and when Claire asks what's , Brook's like, keep going. She gives Claire this rueful sucks to be you kind of nod and says, "They don't call it The Amazing Race for nothin'." Which would be a more convincing argument if this show were actually called Massive Head Trauma. What amazes me about this is that I'm always seeing overkill with safety equipment on this show. Everyone's always having to put on helmets and harnesses and goggles and whatnot every time they undertake something that could even conceivably be dangerous. And here poor Claire, with no more protection on her head than a newborn babe, slingshots herself in the face with a watermelon. If her luck doesn't improve, she's going to have a very short race.
Jonathan and Connor pass Chad and Stephanie in the moat, which Chad describes as humbling. Doesn't stop him from calling them "the nerds," though.
Rachel is still launching melons while Brook waits for Claire to recover. Connor is riding the horse, saying. "I should have gone to the bathroom." Heh. Claire is now holding an ice pack to her face, and Brook tells us, "You can't blame her. I mean, the girl got whacked in the face with a watermelon." She tries to keep a serious, sympathetic straight face through this speech, but can't keep from cracking up a little right at the end there. Even Katie and Rachel are impressed as Claire gets back up and tries some more. "I am so scared of watermelons. This is horrible," Claire says. Can't she even get a catcher's mask? Oh, right, they're in England. What about a wicket-keeper's mask or something, I don't know?
Connor's still working on it, and Claire's first post-concussion attempt is really close. Rachel bounces a melon off her target, but not hard enough to knock it down. Brook keeps telling Claire how proud of her she is, and Claire actually gets it on the second try. It's obvious that the camera operator didn't think that was going to happen, but it's just as well that the shot focused on her determined face rather than the impact. They run over to the jester, with Brook still prattling away, "She got whacked in the face with a watermelon!" Even the jester, who was one of the first people to rush over to Claire right after the mishap, remarks as he hands over their clue, "That was one heck of a hit you took!" Jesters are always supposed to speak the truth, after all. As they run across the grass, Brook is still gushing, "You are the coolest girl I've ever met in my entire life!" And Claire is still saying, "I can't feel my face."
Connor knocks down his target. After one more launch, Rachel says, "Die!" and it works -- down goes her knight. Team Glee is in fourth place, and Katie and Rachel are right behind them. Or at least we're supposed to think so, even though that doesn't really hold up with what happens . Team Glee follows the shopping hosts, and it's looking like a three-way footrace. "I've never run that hard in my life," Jonathan interviews. After struggling over an embankment, one of the singers jumps on the mat and slips on his ass. "Wow, that was quite an entry," Phil remarks. Brook and Claire arrive right after, so that makes them teams number three and four, respectively. In a post-leg interview, Brook says, "We were right there, in a position to be in first, and then a watermelon..." They both crack up like the watermelon that committed suicide on Claire's poor mug. Katie and Rachel come in fifth, far enough back that the mat is clear by the time they get there, so I'm doubting the professional athletes were as close behind Jonathan and Connor as we were led to believe. Unless the singers benefited a lot from their well developed lung capacity.
Chad's launching melons while Stephanie stands behind him, holding her wet pants. She was the only girl in shorts at the starting line too. Maybe she just hates wearing pants.
Gary and Mallory run to the castle, with her screaming the whole way, loud enough to drown out the angry peasants. Michael and Kevin find the boats, Kevin saying optimistically, "One time only." But they keep trying to stand on it together, which doesn't work because the wind keeps blowing the boat out from under the rope and tipping the m over. What ensues is a lengthy montage of sucking.
After all this, it's easy to forget that there are still teams who haven't even reached the castle yet. Andie and Jenna go map-shopping, and determine that not only is the castle is on their new map, they're going towards it, so that's a win-win for them. Jenna interviews that they want to make each other proud, and Andie solo-interviews that this is her time with Jenna, so she's going to do everything she can not to get eliminated. That's sweet, but she knows that the teams don't get split up at the Elimination Station, right? In the back of the car that Nick's driving, Vicki says, "I just hope that everybody is as slow as we are." Ron and Tony, at least, certainly seem to be filling that bill and then some.
Chad knocks his knight down, so now all they have to do is search the grounds. Easy, right? "I guarantee it's on the other side of the castle," Chad says. A guarantee implies that you get something if the party making the guarantee is wrong, right? So what does Stephanie get besides a lengthy cardio workout?
Gary and Mallory climb the wall. The peasants could have foregone the water for her, because she's enough of a screamer as it is. They could have elicited the same sounds out of her with harsh looks.
Kevin and Michael sink again, but at least they got farther this time. Gary and Mallory show up, and Gary interviews afterwards, "They looked like a couple of carnies in a dunking booth." The father-daughter team manages to get going without much trouble, and Kevin interviews that they kept sinking before they figured out what they needed to do. Michael puts a hand on his son's shoulder and points out, "We didn't figure it out on our own." Indeed, they pretty much go to school watching the other father-child team.
Chad and Stephanie? Lost. "This is the dumbest freaking crap ever," he says. No argument here. Oh, wait, was that not what he meant?
Andie and Jenna have at last reached Eastnor Castle, and are in 9th place. Nick and Vicky, meanwhile, have at least found a random office where a guy gives them directions. Ron and Tony? Still lost. Ron says they're trying to stay focused on what's ahead. Yes, that would be...elimination.
They stop for directions at a gas station, and soon learn they're going in the wrong direction. "All we gotta do now is finish. And not be last," Ron says as they get back on the road. Well, in a world where men have landed on the moon, anything is possible. Except that.
Andie and Jenna climb the ladder, interviewing that it seemed too easy at first, before the water started coming down. Kevin and Michael are making their way across the mat. And Chad and Stephanie are still wandering the grounds of the castle. And then the castle itself. And then the soul-crushing abyss of their own inadequacies.
Gary and Mallory get across, and Kevin and Michael make it as well. Michael interviews, "That probably was the best moment of this leg between Kevin and me." On the other side of the moat, Kevin tells us, "We sank four times, but this man pulled through." Aw. Of course the editors want to make the most of this moment, because who knows how much longer these two will even be in the race?
Nick and Vicky are scaling the castle walls as Andie and Jenna are crossing the moat, seemingly without difficulty. But the bikers are flummoxed by the part of the clue, which reads, "Retrieve a medieval flag from the battlement." Alas, neither of them knows what a battlement is, so they start asking people, "Are you a battlement?" I hope none of their tattoos show castles or this is going to be even more embarrassing. And of course, the flag is clearly visible right to them. There's always one of these teams, isn't there?
Ron and Tony see their first road sign for Eastnor, and continue to try to be Zen about it. Which is pretty much the only thing at which they're succeeding.
Gary and Mallory arrive at the tournament grounds. Gary's taking this so Mallory can stand in frank admiration of the jester and say, "Aw, I wish I could juggle on a ball." Then she'd be a shoo-in for the talent round. Miss America, here she comes!
Nick and Vicky have found a flag, but they're still looking for a battlement. Are they kidding me? Post-leg, Vicky interviews. "Oh my god, we are so dumb. It was right there." At least they're somewhat self-aware.
Kevin's going to be the one to launch watermelons. Gary's working on his as Kevin says, "This is so cool. I just rode a horse." Yes, that's the kind of uniquely exotic experience the Amazing Race is all about. Meanwhile, Chad and his persistently pantsless girlfriend are still wandering the grounds. She's exercising the legs this much, she might as well show them off.
Nick and Vicky follow the marked path to the boats. Actually, past the boats. Several times. Again, at least they know they're being dumb, but ain't no Fast Forward for knowing your limitations.
Finally -- finally -- Ron and Tony arrive at the Eastnor Castle clue box, officially in last place. Can they catch up with Nick and Vicky, the former of whom is literally saying, "We might be our boat"? They start to wonder if the teams ahead of them took all the boats and now they'll have to go back to the castle and get one. Because they still don't see the boats behind them, even though their camera guy keeps zooming in ironically on them. Along with my GPS, I'm going to bring a pair of sunglasses that secretly gives me a live feed from the nearest camera. It takes a whole commercial break before they spot the little round shells, and they are even more deeply embarrassed. "Morons," Nick says. "God, we're dummies," Vicky interviews. Now let's see how they do actually getting into the boat. After we check in with Andie and Jenna long enough to learn that the latter is doing the Road Block, we see the bikers losing control of their boat almost immediately, but Nick gets it back to shore before it totally capsizes. Which is not to say that Vicky gets out before that happens.
Ron and Tony scale the wall, and Nick and Vicky figure out that they can both straddle the one seat, which puts on of them in front and one in back, which makes for good balance and a solid method. Perhaps their biking background helped them out there. But Ron and Tony have their flag and are determined to "catch them." Maybe Nick and Vicky are dumb enough to catch, but Ron's use of the plural when referring to other teams is a little overoptimistic, methinks.
Chad and Stephanie are still in search of Phil. "I really do feel like I'm in The Hobbit now," she says.
Gary and Kevin knock down their knights almost simultaneously, putting their teams close together in rank. But Chad and Stephanie are finally closing in on the mat, so it's going to be a nail-biter for sixth place. Gary spots Phil first, and Mallory's screaming is like a sonic beacon leading the other teams in the right direction. She screams all the way to the mat, and all the way on it, finally collecting herself enough to politely say to him, "Hi, Phil," like he has any eardrums left at all. Michael and Kevin join them on the mat for high-fives all around, and Phil checks them in as teams number six and seven, respectively. Mallory remarks on how they're father/son and father/daughter. "People thought these old guys couldn't do anything," she "jokes." Who thought that, exactly?
Finally Chad and Stephanie make it to the mat in eighth place. They're thrilled just to still be in the race at this point, and Chad interviews that it was "humbling." He even admits that arguing has negatively affected their game, and "I really do believe that we're going to grow on this adventure." He'd better.
Time passes. Jenna clips her knight on the feet, and it totters but doesn't fall. Nick and Vicky finish their boat ride. Once they're gone, Tony tries to step into the one he'll be taking with Ron, and even though he's holding on tight to the rope, he still topples like Herman Munster. Jenna takes her knight out at the knees, and they're off to the Pit Stop. Nick will be doing the Road Block for the biker team. Ron and Tony can't get their boat underway so much as underwater. Andie and Jenna are team number nine. "Oh my God," Jenna says. "Oh, my God," Tony says in a clever edit as his boat sinks under him yet again. Now it's a race for last, as Nick's launched watermelons close in on his knight and Ron and Tony fail to close in on any sort of workable technique for operating the boat. Nick finally knocks over the knight while Ron and Tony take a step back and talk about balance, which, as Tony points out, is problematic because he weighs a hundred pounds more than his partner. I don't know, that didn't seem to be a problem for Gary and Mallory.
Nick and Vicky arrive at the mat, and Phil wants to taunt them a bit by asking, "What's the name of this country?" "We're in London, right?" Vicky guesses. Phil deadpans, "That's right, the country of London," which is uncharacteristically mean of him, but then if you're going to race around the world you should try to know a little about it. More seriously, Phil asks where they think they are in the rankings, and Nick guesses tenth place. Phil says they should gamble in Vegas, because he's correct. I wonder if that was Phil's polite little way of telling them they would have been better off staying home.
Ron and Tony are actually making progress, but with their size, they've got no margin for error. Sure enough, over they go. "We tried our best," Ron says as they wade back to shore. So, they're done, then? The knights gallop wistfully across the tournament grounds, and Ron and Tony, who had such high hopes for the race, arrive at the mat without having even finished the first leg, as far as we can see. The knight welcomes them to Eastnor, and Ron calls him "sire" when they thank him. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, and regretfully Philiminates them. Post-leg, Ron interviews that just getting to help his best friend live his dream means that "life is good." Sure, it wasn't his dream that got scattered all over the English countryside and then drowned in a moat. Back on the mat, Ron says more nice things about Tony, like how supportive he is. "I'm blessed to have a friend like this. It's a gift from God." "Absolutely," Tony agrees. Is he saying the feeling is mutual, or that Ron's lucky to have him? Depending on Tony's mood right now, I guess it could be taken either way.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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