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Things get tense early on, beginning with the line for tickets to the final destination of San Francisco. Dan and Jordan jump ahead of the Cowboys, and then manage to get upgraded to First Class in midair. They hold onto their lead as Dan climbs the Coit Tower, but Brent and Caite are losing it as a result of still dealing with a language barrier even back in the States. After the ascent, it's off to Industrial Light and Magic, where partners have to guide each other through a virtual Star Wars world. The technology holds up, but the teams find it challenging, and the brothers are still in first place all the way to the Tonga tiki bar, where they have to pick up a steamer trunk to deliver to the Great American Music Hall. Brent and Caite narrow their lag, but it widens again when they forget their Amazing Purse. The Great American Music Hall proves to be the venue for the final memory challenge. Dan and Jordan nail that, then quickly figure out that the finish line is Candlestick Park. And they end up winning it all, believe it or not. The Cowboys come in a close second, and Brent and Caite arrive in third, which is not too late for her to get in a pissing match with Brandy on the Giant Mat. Classy finish, there.
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Once again, we start out in Shanghai, which according to Phil has more than eighteen million people and is "the largest commercial and financial hub in mainland China." The eleventh Pit Stop, of course, was the Riverside Promenade, which apparently is "newly minted." That's surprising; it looks more like it would taste of concrete. We get to hear a replay of Caite shrieking over their win at the end of the last leg, deafening every river porpoise in the Yangtze (even though they're standing to the Huangpu), as a reminder that they arrived first, and so will be leaving first, at 2:37 AM. Seriously? That's just mean. The good news is they're heading back to the United States. I mean that's good news for them, not for the United States. Their final destination city is "San Francisco, California." One hears "San Francisco" by itself so often that hearing "California" after it sounds weird. After flying six thousand miles, they'll have to get to "Battery Godfrey." This is not to be confused with "Battery Gottfried," a little-known legal term referring to the act of beating up Gilbert Gottfried, which is not actually a crime. Instead, it's a "former military outpost overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. Here, their clue awaits." Way to change up the phraseology in the final hour there, Phil. The models interview about how "freaking incredible" it is to be in the final three, and Brent concludes, "Somebody's gotta lose, somebody's gotta win, and we wanna freakin' win." Caite agrees with this, which will be one of the few times this episode that they agree on anything. In the cab, Brent says it's been a blast, but they're looking forward to getting back to the U.S.
Jet and Cord are leaving at 3:11 AM, which means they weren't nearly as close behind the models as we were led to believe last week. I guess we were supposed to think one team went upstream and the other went down at almost the same time, and somehow they arrived 34 minutes apart, even with a seven-foot-nine human whose name means "The Mast" guiding them in. Cord's hoping this might be the first championship they can say they won together, with his brother and his best friend. Aw. I'm sure he's not the only one.
Brent and Caite get to the airport, and find the United counter closed -- until 10:45 the morning. See? Mean! They agree that they want to be first in line, and when the Cowboys arrive, Brent jokingly says the correct window is way down at the other end. The terminal almost looks big enough that they wouldn't get back until after 11:00 if they believed him.
Dan and Jordan are leaving the Pit Stop at 6:00 AM, three and a half hours behind the leaders. They might as well quit now, right? No hope of catching up at this point. I remember when the Pit Stops were always multiples of twelve hours, not just an interval arbitrarily chosen to guarantee maximum bunching. Piling their stuff into the trunk of a cab, Jordan says, "San Francisco's a very gay-friendly place. Good for me." Because he's really had to keep his rainbow under a bushel these last eleven legs. But I bet Jet and Cord's cowboy hats will go over big. Like the other teams, they're thrilled to be headed home. Dan interviews that this is the "Super Bowl of the Amazing Race," like yes, we get it, you're a sports fan and not at all gay. Sorry you're off on the race during the height of the football season and thus having to miss so much quality time watching large men run around in tight pants. He says they have the athletic talent and brain power they'll need to win. "Wait, is California in the United States?" Jordan asks jokingly.
It's light outside by the time they meet up with the other two teams at the airport, camped out to the still-closed United window. Jordan puts his backpack down between where Cord is sacked out on the floor and where Caite and Brent are marking the front of the line. We see him and Jordan being interviewed in a football stadium after the race as Jordan explains, "So I felt like we were second in line," which is bullshit. If you're going to cut in line, accept and own that it's a dick move. Don't cut and then try to justify it with some obscure point of schoolyard law that nobody but you has ever heard of and the only reason you have is because you just made it up. So when the counter opens at 10:45, and Caite and Brent are ordering their tickets, Jet and Cord look at the brothers standing in front of then in line, and say, "Y'all are trying to cut, I can see it." "Oh, yeah, I'm standing right behind them," Jordan says, like, is there something wrong with your eyes? Without raising his voice, Jet points out that the brothers got there six hours later than he and Cord, so how did they get ahead of them in line? Jordan maintains that his backpack ergo post hoc case is valid. So then the Cowboys do this thing where they pretend to be talking to each other when in fact their words are intended for Jordan. "I don't think you can actually grab his backpack and tow him backwards in the airport," Cord says to Jet. "You'd get in trouble for that." Jet adds that he'd get in trouble for kicking his teeth in. "If they wanna drop the gloves, I can drop the gloves." Brent and Caite get their tickets, and Jordan steps right up to the counter like it's legitimately his turn. There's an Amazing Camera behind the counter now, and with Cord standing right behind him, Jordan tells it, "This is a race. It's a game, and there's a million bucks at the other end, so I'm going for it. You can hate the game all you want, just don't hate the player." You know what I hate? Clichés. Clichés and bullshit. He has the nerve to tell the Cowboys, "Don't hate" as he brushes past them. Jet growls at him to get out of the way. If that's their version of Hulking out, this is going to be a long leg.
As we see all the teams board the plane, Jet gives rather a self-righteous interview about how "these people don't care about people, they just care about money." Oh, Jet, just call it the dick move it is and be done with it. Let's not make it about "character." That just makes you look like the ass. Dan says that he and Jordan haven't done anything dirty the whole race, and I have to admit that I can't think of one myself. "It's final three. This is it. No one's going to help anyone right now. Those days are gone." As are the days when they agreed not to throw elbows, apparently. But as classless as all this is, it's not the moment that determines the outcome of the race. I'll let you know when that comes.
The Amazing Red Line makes a valedictory jaunt across the Pacific from Shanghai to San Francisco. But then we rewind a bit. While the plane was high in the air at some point, Dan got a brainwave: "Maybe we can move up to first class." Jordan loves the idea. There's no rule against this; as long as they only pay for economy class, they can sit wherever the cabin crew is willing to let them sit. It probably helps that the cameras are turned off for the transition, because changing seats in the confined space of an airplane is enough of a nightmare without a cumbersome film crew capturing the whole thing. We just see the other teams asleep, and then brothers gloating in their roomy new seats. "We will be one of the first if not the first out," Dan says. This is also not the moment that determines the outcome of the race.
Here's some B-roll of San Francisco, and the plane touches down at the airport. As everyone waits to disembark, Cord says, "It's on like Donkey Kong." Dan and Jordan are indeed the first off the plane, and Brent is left back in steerage wondering, "Is there any way we can cut through?" The Cowboys chuckle at the silly sasquatch. The brothers get in a cab to the Presidio and are on their way while the models are still in the terminal and the Cowboys are just getting off the plane. "That was huger than huge," Dan says. It was a genius move, and now everybody's going to be trying it for every leg of every Amazing Race until the end of time, making it harder for me to do it. Thanks, Dan and Jordan. Good thing I like my exit rows just fine.
Brent and Caite get a cab, followed by the Cowboys. "As usual," Cord remarks. Soon Dan and Jordan are in the Presidio, specifically Langdon Court, specifically Battery Godfrey. The clue in the box, if you can believe this, is an actual riddle: "I was built in 1933. I'm 210 feet tall. My insides are lined with murals painted by 26 different artists. What am I?" I'd say Brent, but he looks too young. Phil tells us that this refers to Coit Tower, and the camera swoops over the city to show it off. "Located at the top of Telegraph Hill and offering a 360-degree view of the city, this historic structure is where they'll find their clue." Dan and Jordan return to their cab and show the clue to the driver. The driver is like, "Long pause."
Brent and Caite are also at the Presidio, but they're making the unhappy discovery that their driver doesn't seem to know where he's going, or indeed very much English at all. Meanwhile, the Cowboys' driver tells them, with exquisite lack of precision, "Almost somewhere near here." "That sounds like my whole life," Cord says.
Brent and Caite stop to look at a map outside a visitor's center for directions, sniping at each other angrily. And this is when the Cowboys pass them. That's not a moment that determines the outcome of the race, but there are so few changes in rank this episode that I feel the need to highlight them.
The brothers, meanwhile, flag down a bicyclist and get about halfway through reading the clue to him before he says, "Coit Tower." Dude wants to get back to his ride. Back in the cab, Jordan declares, "People who ride bicycles are smart. It's a general rule." I was not aware of that rule. I was aware of the rule that bicyclists meet certain standards of balance and coordination, but now that I know they are Google on two wheels, I have no reason to buy an iPhone. Back at the visitor's center, the models' cabbie has joined them to decode the map, which doesn't help with their frustration level. "This is why I ___wanted somebody who could speak English," Caite carps. I think it is more valid to complain about a language barrier in one's home country. Which is not to say it's valid to put oneself in a position where one has to deal with a language barrier in one's home country in the first place. The Cowboys are the to find the clue leading them to Coit Tower. Luckily, they bought The Smart Guide to San Francisco in the Shanghai airport, and the description rings a bell. Even better, their cabbie knows where Coit Tower is. Well played, Cowboys. And boo, Amazing Race. This is what happens when you make people sit in an airport for so long that they have nothing to do for hours but research the destination.
"Why are we in America and nobody is speaking English?" Brent wonders almost idly. And then their driver comes up to a closed gate, so it's pretty clear they've taken a wrong turn somewhere. The Cowboys pass them again coming back, telling their driver not to slow down to give the models' driver directions. And he's getting even more lost, with Brent and Caite yelling at him, and Brent yelling at Caite to shut up. "Now we're gonna lose because of this dumb-ass," Caite whines, looking like she wants to commit battery cabdriver.
After the ads and a nice establishing shot of the Golden Gate Bridge, the models are still so lost that the subtitle reading "Currently in last place" almost seems like piling on. And yet, paradoxically, the "Currently" seems almost generous. Caite orders their driver to go back to the 101. So they're starting over? "Well, this has already screwed us," Brent says. One of those rare occasions where his commentary goes beyond the level of simple narrative.
Dan and Jordan have arrived at Coit Tower, and from the cab window, Jordan can see a tiny little yellow clue envelope flapping in the breeze from an overhanging scaffold near the summit. They run up the steps to the high patio. Phil tells us that the tower has been an icon of San Francisco since the 1930s, and now someone from each team will have to climb it. In this Road Block, that person will have to use an "ascender" to ratchet himself (or herself, but who are we kidding) up a rope hanging outside the tower, then grab the clue and get lowered down. Dan is doing this one, and he starts climbing.
Jet and Cord are also on their way to Coit Tower, and quite wound up. In fact, Jet says he's about to shake out of his shoes. Now I know why cowboys wear boots.
Caite both is yelling at her driver to turn around and calling him a dumb-ass. Brent says that's not helping. She says he isn't helping, and adds that she wants to punch him in the face. Seriously, this happens. You know how winning teams tend to not have meltdowns? This is not a winning team. Sorry if that's a spoiler.
Dan is getting tired, and is about halfway up the tower when the Cowboys arrive below. "You can catch 'im," Jet encourages Cord. We'll see how that goes.
The models are finally dropped off near the clue box at Battery Godfrey. "Thank you, sorry, thank you," Brent says as they head for the last remaining clue there. "We're gonna have to rock and roll through everything now," Brent says as they get back in the cab. Again with the analysis.
Dan reaches the top and grabs the clue, and is lowered back down while Cord is still getting suited up in his climbing harness. So much for catching him. Cord looks about ready to say fuck the harness and scale that tower with his fingernails. Dan and Jordan are still in first place as Jordan reads, "Find the Yoda Fountain." Yes, that's just what it sounds like; as we now see, there's a fountain featuring a statue of the Jedi Master Yoda somewhere in San Francisco. Well, what other city would it be in? Oh, it's at the headquarters of Lucasfilm, Ltd, so that makes more sense. Phil says that's the home of special effects company Industrial Light and Magic. Jet and Cord call out goodbyes to the departing brothers and are ignored. "Not too talkative, are they? Kind of pissy," Jet observes. Maybe it was the threat of violence back in Shanghai. The brothers' cabbie doesn't know any more about Yoda Fountains than he does Coit Towers, so Dan asks him to call someone. "If you want to start driving as you're calling," Dan suggests, not really suggesting so much as ordering. Cord finally gets to begin his climb. Whoever the brothers' driver calls tells him to head back to the Presidio. Jet gives Cord props for how quickly he's going, and Dan realizes that the Cowboys will be able to do it as fast as he did, if not faster, which keeps the pressure on. Cord continues his ascent.
Brent and Caite are talking to a hotel clerk, who gets online and sends them to the Coit Tower. And Brent has a new plan of action for dealing with the taxi driver: "Let's just shut up and let him go," Brent says. I especially like the "Let's just shut up" part.
On the way to Lucasfilm, Jordan says he knows what Yoda looks like: "I've seen Star Wars. I mean, I haven't seen the movie, but..." Yeah, we know. It's impossible not to gather a lot just from cultural osmosis, as I'm about to demonstrate. They get dropped off outside, and at the head of the column waiting for them is Darth Vader himself, flanked by a Stormtrooper, a Scout Trooper, and a TIE fighter pilot. "Enter the world of Lucasfilm and Industrial Light and Magic," Jordan reads from the clue. A barely disguised version of the Imperial March plays on the soundtrack over shots of museum-type displays of character masks and costumes throughout the building, as Phil explains that one team member will put on a "motion capture" suit. You've seen these in every "the making of" featurette of the digital age, but humor me as I explain that it's basically a dark-colored jumpsuit with white ping-pong balls placed at intervals. Cameras and computers track the motion of the balls and translate the movements of the wearer to a digital version of him or her, so we can see an avatar moving through what looks like a complete virtual environment, even if the actor was just wandering around an empty soundstage. Which, as with all three Star Wars prequels, will be the case here. Meanwhile, their partner (and here the "director" role in the demonstration is filled not by a production assistant but one of the Stormtroopers) will direct them through that virtual environment to get to their clue. Dan volunteers to be the director. A Clone Trooper whose red-accented white armor designates him as a Shock Trooper (although the real shock is how big that dude is; clones are only supposed to come in one size because, you know, clones) leads the brothers across campus, with two original Stormtroopers bringing up the rear behind them. This is a total anachronism, because Clone Troopers and Stormtroopers didn't exist at the same time. Watching them walk by is like seeing twenty years pass in a matter of seconds. Again, this is all cultural osmosis.
Back at the Coit Tower, Cord reaches the top and retrieves the clue. Brent and Caite can at least see the Coit Tower from where their cab is, although I don't think they can see Cord. "I hope we're not too far behind everybody," Brent says. Cord's on his way down. "Ridin' bulls is a lot easier than that," he says. Off to the Yoda Fountain they are (last time I'm doing that, I promise).
Dan's Stormtrooper guide leads him to a cubicle with a computer and a big monitor, which is where he'll direct Jordan from. I could probably identify all the Star Wars character masks and busts that seem to be everywhere in this building, but I feel a little self-conscious namedropping the likes of Admiral Ackbar and Salacious Crumb when last week I couldn't identify a single Arhat. Meanwhile, Jordan gets into what he calls "This skinny-suit with balls all around me." He also straps on a helmet with the winged-star logo of the Jedi Order on it (you know, the one that evolved into the insignia of the Rebel Alliance years later), and now he and Jordan can hear each other through headsets. "I just put on a little suit with balls on it," Jordan tells his brother over the radio. And I'm sure he's hoping it's not the last time he does that. Dan tells us he's not a video game guy, but "More of a Boston sports guy." He explains that he can see Jordan's movements; "I need to guide him through a computerized path." Then there's a splitscreen of Jordan in the soundstage, and a digital version of Jordan in Clone Trooper armor sans helmet (specifically, the yellow-striped armor of a member of the Star Corps). Jordan's computerized face looks awesome, with a blue bandanna around its forehead and a determined set to its oversized jaw. Jordan would totally hit that, I bet. "Go to center of the blue start ring," Dan tells Jordan. Of course Jordan has no idea what he's talking about, being in an empty room. But when Jordan looks around, Dan's monitor display shifts accordingly, showing Dan what Jordan's helmet-cam would be seeing if Jordan were really out in space. Apparently the third-person view of Virtu-Jordan isn't seen by either of the players, which makes me appreciate how ILM and the producers generated that view just for those of us who are watching at home. Dan spots the starting point on his monitor, and directs Jordan to walk "toward" it. Jordan steps through the target that's invisible to him, and as he does so, digital walls and corridors zap into existence around his avatar. Dan has him turn around, and he gets a panorama of the bowels of the Tantive IV, specifically the narrow corridor leading to the escape pods. Dan sends him in that direction, telling him to slow down. When Virtu-Jordan crashes into the virtual wall, the scene abruptly disappears and Jordan has to return to the starting point. Dan tells Jordan to go slow and they'll do this right the first time. "Okay, so give me good directions," Jordan says. This is a major teamwork challenge; it's impossible for one player to do it alone, because neither of them has the whole picture. They can't even see each other. Probably the best possible strategy would be to get snippy with each other.
Jet and Cord arrive at ILM in second place and run up to the Imperial forces waiting there for them. "Is one of these Dan and Jordan?" Cord wonders. The Shock Trooper clone wordlessly declines to open the clue for them. As they are led inside, Cord wonders if their escorts can talk. "No, they're Stormtroopers," Jet says. And they probably don't want to get into why Clone Troopers have New Zealand accents when Stormtroopers have American ones. They probably get that question all the time, and a visit from Phil probably only confused the issue further.
Dan is trying to walk Jordan though the level, and telling him to relax when Jordan asks for clarification on something. "You don't need to get all excited," Dan snaps excitedly.
Cord is wearing both cowboy hats as he's led to his director's cubicle, which is immediately adjacent to Dan's. As soon as Cord sits down, he hears Dan giving directions, and starts shouting out some of his own before he even has a headset on. Since there's practically no divider, Jordan can hear Cord in his headset as well as he can hear Dan, and it's quite confusing. Dan looks around in a mute appeal for help from someone in production, but it looks like whoever was in charge of preventing people from cutting in line is also enforcing the no-talking rule. Dan gets so frustrated he clams up, leaving Jordan stranded out there to hear nothing but Cord hollering out crap like, "I want to see four ninety degree turns!" Hee, that's funny. Dan can see that Virtu-Jordan is only steps away from the goal circle. Finally Jet is in his suit and on the soundstage, and, hearing Cord yammering away in his headset, wonders apprehensively if he's going to have to do everything Cord is calling out. Which means Cord's fucking with people indiscriminately at this point. Finally, Virtu-Jordan steps into the "GOAL" circle, which disappears, so they're done with level one. This is the easiest video game ever.
Jet starts, and amusingly, his avatar is wearing a cowboy hat instead of a Star Corps helmet with his Clone armor, even though the real Jet is wearing a plain white helmet. Cord finds the start point on the screen and starts directing Jet toward it before he realizes Jet can't see it. They really didn't explain this very well before they got them started, did they?
Brent and Caite finally reach Coit Tower. Brent will be doing the climbing, obvs.
At ILM, Dan directs Virtu-Jordan down a long, circular corridor that I'm embarrassed to not be able to identify on sight. Bespin underlevels, maybe? Like I said, I only have the vaguest idea about this Star Wars crap. I'm more of a Space: 1999 guy myself. Dan can see the goal on his screen, and sends Jordan walking
straight ahead. Virtu-Jordan steps on the goal, and suddenly he's back in the middle of the empty starfield, but now he's surrounded by a lengthy helix of text spinning around him at high speed. Dan wonders what's going on, seeing the letters whiz past Jordan's virtual field of vision, and it takes him a minute to realize that Jordan's not moving, the words are. Dan tells him to hold on while he tries to read it. "It's going by the screen, like, wicked fast." Almost in hyperdrive.
Brent would appear to be making short work of the Coit Tower. He enjoys the view on the way down with his clue. Might as well get something out of the day's experiences.
Cord directs Jet straight ahead. Meanwhile, Dan figures out that he can see the text better when Jordan turns his head to "follow" the moving words. So now he's going to have to make Jordan do that, seemingly indefinitely. Cord, meanwhile, is trying to get Jet lined up on a final approach to the level-one goal, which is going to put him on a collision course with Jordan. "Hang on. Jordan's in front of me," Jet says. "Give Jordan a wedgie, tell him to get out of the way," Cord snaps. "We got a race going here." Jet says he's not moving until Jordan does. Of course, even though they're a foot apart in meatspace, the third person view of neither avatar shows the other, let alone being visible in the first-person helmet-cam view. "Hey, direct him out of the way," Cord says, banging on the divider separating him from Dan. Dan bangs back and says something blur-worthy. Cord leans around the divider and threatens, "I'll get one of these Star Wars guys to take you out, man!" Which is funny except for how Cord says it totally straight-faced. Fortunately for Dan, the commercials come before Cord can issue Order 66. But don't they see what's happening? The failure of the Galactic Republic had its roots in disputes over trade routes -- people getting in each other's way over large sums of money, just like here! Of course, that was all ginned up from behind the scenes by then-Senator Palpatine, who had his own shadowy motives but okay I'll stop now.
When we come back, all the spinning is making Jordan dizzy, and he asks if there's another way. "No Jordan, obviously not!" Dan yells down the headset. Jordan says he's going to throw up. Cord relays this to Jet. "Yeah, I know," Jet says, closer to Jordan than Cord is to Dan. "I think Jordan's fixing to start spinning around again." "Start fixing to spin around again," Dan confirms. Cord asks if there's no way around, which there isn't, especially given the narrowness of this virtual corridor. "I don't care who's in front of you," Cord presses. "Can you take one step forward?" Jet does, and his avatar inches into the green circle. With that, level two commences for the Cowboys. Dan warns Jordan that it's taking a while. Cord asks Jet for a panorama, and soon finds the hallway to go down from where Jet is now, which means the two Js can finally give each other a little personal space. At last, Dan is satisfied that he has enough of the clue transcribed, and they get up to go, Dan getting a little turnabout on Cord by twanging, "Slide to the left! Faster! No, not that way, the other way, the other way, the other way!" The brothers meet up and are escorted out, Jordan reading the lengthy clue Dan transcribed, which is sending them to Tonga. Phil tells us that's one of the first tiki bars in the country, and it's the location of their clue. Sure, the clue text on the screen could have just told them that, but the wordy set-up and description of their destination was of course part of the challenge. Even though it was a blatant disregard of physics in the Star Wars universe, where words don't spiral around you in space but crawl slowly upwards and away.
Jet reaches the goal at level two, and there's the spinning text. Cord is flummoxed. "I hope I'm not supposed to read that," he says.
Brent and Caite arrive at ILM, and are glad to see that there are still cabs there. They should be. "I'm the director," Brent decrees as soon as they read the clue. They get escorted across campus while the brothers get in their cab to Tonga, warning their cabbie, "They're right behind us." Well, sort of.
Cord, however, still can't catch up to the text. Caite is in her motion-capture suit, and Brent is telling her he'll give her directions. "Where's the slo-mo on this thing?" Cord wonders, looking under the desk. Caite's avatar is, of course, in a skin-tight knit outfit with a utility belt because someone figured she'd look better as a bounty hunter or something and besides Clone Trooper armor doesn't accommodate boobs. Brent directs her to the starting point. Jet makes an excellent point to Cord: "If the other two can figure it out, surely we can figure it out." "I'd like to think so," Cord agrees. Dan talks about how it's them and the Cowboys, head-to head," And we got just a little bit of a lead on them." Cord is getting fragments of a clue that read "on a hill far away" and "Soldiers something." "They die?" Jet asks, bored. Even at this extremity, that's about as close as they ever get to sniping at each other. Despite himself, Brent manages to direct Caite to the level one goal, mostly because of Caite standing still and silent in wide-eyed confusion while he sorts himself out. Cord is stuck on the clue's opening: "A long time ago on a hill far, far away." "There's a whole paragraph you're supposed to get," he explains to Jet. As Caite approaches him, Jet simply says, "Oh, sweet." Remember that thing I said I'd tell you about when it was happening? It's happening.
The brothers are dropped off at the hotel that houses Tonga in its basement. On the way through the lobby, Jordan reads from the clue that they're supposed to find a trunk and take it to the destination. The place is dead, except of course for the live band, but there's a stack of three steamer trunks to the lagoon. Yes, there's a lagoon in there. "But where are we going?" Jordan wonders. Then they happen to look at the decal on the lid which reads, "The Great American Music Hall." Must be going there. They heft the trunk, one on each end, and head out. On their way, they meet a young woman in a Columbia sweatshirt who claims to be familiar with the area, but she's never heard of the Great American Music Hall, so she ducks out of the shot. Well, she was rather less Columbia University than Space Shuttle Columbia, wasn't she?
At long last, Cord has finally figured out the secret to being able to read the clue: "How dizzy you ready to get?" he asks Jet. In a post-race interview, he berates himself, "Oh, you idiot." And seriously, for as strong as a team as they've been, with such a functional and mutually supportive relationship, there's just no excuse for that at this point in the game. It would be one thing if they hadn't both been aware of Jordan's spinning around, but they were, which makes this hang-up on their part just mystifying. I'd go so far as to call it avatarded. Jet commences turning. And Caite reaches the goal as well, and it takes Brent a lot less time to figure out the turning thing than it did Cord. Way to be outsmarted by the models, guys. Yeah, that thing? It happened.
Meanwhile, the brothers enter the hotel's convenience store to ask for directions to the Great American Music Hall, and are told it's about a ten- to fifteen- minute walk. It's about ten blocks, going by Google Maps. They're on their way. What, they don't want to sit in the back of a cab with a steamer trunk?
Cord and Brent are racing to transcribe their clues, and seem to figure out that their destination is Tonga at about the same time, although Jet and Cord are running out slightly in front. As they run back out across the campus, a tiny dog with too much leash nearly attacks them. They run on past rather than throwing it down and hogtying it. Both teams are in cabs, Cord saying, "Man, Jet, I cannot believe I couldn't figure that out." And in considerably more embarrassing news, Caite asks Brent in their cab, "Where's our money and stuff?" Brent says, "You had it!" Caite tells their driver to turn around, and Brent flips out. As he should. Who forgets their Amazing Purse in the final leg? People who shouldn't be in the final leg to begin with, that's who.
The brothers' carrying hands are getting tired, so they pause at a street corner to swap ends. They also swap the gloves they've been using to protect their hands. Meanwhile, the Cowboys are at Tonga, and are soon carrying their trunk down the street toward a cabbie from whom they hope to get directions. Up ahead, the brothers are wondering how much further Polk is. The Cowboys learn that they're going to the corner of O'Farrell and Polk. Dan and Jordan are struggling with the trunk as the Cowboys run full-out with theirs, somewhere behind them. They'd probably be catching up if they hadn't biffed the Star Wars task.
Finally we're at the Great American Music Hall, and the marquee outside reads "The Mother Hips." Jet and Cord are still running down the street with their trunk, not bothering with rests or gloves or even complaining. In fact, they even have energy to keep up their senses of humor, Cord telling one woman as they dash through a crosswalk, "Excuse me, ma'am, we got kicked out." That's hilarious. Inside the hall, a band that I assume is the Mother Hips is tearing it up onstage as Jordan reads their first-place clue in the wings: "Get yourselves in order." Over artificially aged Amazing B-roll of San Francisco, Phil explains how the city in the 1960s was "the heart of the psychedelic music scene, with rock shows almost every night at concert halls like this." Then Phil's in the wings in front of a giant rack of what looks like a dozen 60s-era concert posters, saying, "Now, to get their final clue of the race, teams must flash back to the Age of Aquarius." Well, not exactly. They'll just have to flash back to the last three weeks of their lives. It turns out that the steamer trunks contain copies of these posters. Eight of the posters display the names and faces of a different eliminated team in psychedelic style, while the others are identical copies of what represents non-elimination legs. All they have to do now is hang them up on the rack in the correct order. After which the roadie for the Mother Hips will give them the last clue. Assuming he's not off somewhere sparking a fattie, that is.
"We got this, I wrote them all down," Jordan says happily. He interviews that he's watched the race for fifteen seasons. "And the greater majority have featured some type of memory challenge." He gets out his notes and starts hanging them up while Dan pulls them out. This takes them no time at all, which is good for them since the Cowboys are still running. "We banged that out!" "That's why you fricking take notes," Jordan celebrates. The clue reads. "Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, to find the finish line, jump over to ____. This is it! Go, Go, Go!" That's it? They tear down the posters and throw them in the trunk lest the Cowboys copy their work when they arrive. As they strap on their backpacks, Dan suddenly realizes he knows where they're going: "Fucking Candlestick Park!" Dan's sports fandom has come through, and he knows they're going to the home of the 49ers. I happen to know it mainly as the last live venue ever played by the Beatles, which means this season has kind of come full circle. Now Dan and Jordan just have to find a taxi. Too bad the street outside is dead, without a car in sight.
Meanwhile, the Cowboys have found their way into the auditorium, and get to work. Looks like they also took notes, but aren't as loud or self-congratulatory about it. And outside, the brothers can't seem to find a taxi, at least not one that's active. Frantic cutting back and forth ensues, and the brothers are still hoofing it around as the Cowboys are down to just their non-elimination posters. And then the Cowboys get finished before the brothers have secured a cab. Jet and Cord figure out that the clue is directing them to Candlestick Park even more quickly than the brothers did. But Dan and Jordan are in a cab by now, and the Cowboys dart daringly across traffic to get one of their own. I should point out that at no time since ILM has either team seen the other, so this could all be just some suspenseful editing. "This could be it, Cord," Jet says. You think? Both teams are in a rush. "And we got the best cab driver in the world right now!" Jordan says. The Cowboys' driver asks them if there's a rodeo going on at Candlestick Park. "There will be," Jet says.
After more frantic back-and-forth cutting, we're on the field at Candlestick Park, with all the eliminated teams applauding happily and Phil expectantly watching the entrance behind one of the goal posts. Since that entrance is in the form of a giant, inflatable football helmet, Phil's straight face is admirable. And from that helmet emerge...Dan and Jordan.
You know, there's just no pleasing me. If it had been the Cowboys, I would have complained about an unsurprising finish, but honestly this leaves me feeling a little empty too because I was pretty much rooting for Jet and Cord (at least until some stuff I read online this week). I don't want to get into who "deserves" a win. Yes, Cord and Jet did better over the course of the whole race, but everyone knows going in that one fuck-up in the final leg is one more than you can afford. And the brothers may have dragged ass all the way up to the point when they won the Fast Forward, but even then I didn't take them seriously as a contending team. More fool me, I guess. I have to give them props, because I dismissed them all the way up to the end. And it wasn't the cutting in line that did it, either.
Everyone claps and cheers as they run onto the giant mat. Phil greets them, "23 days, five continents, forty thousand miles, Dan and Jordan, you have won the one million dollars and you are the official winners of The Amazing Race! Congratulations!" Whoops and cheers from all the losers. Phil asks Jordan what he has to say, and he calls it "the most incredible experience. There was no way I could have ever been here without my brother. This is my biggest dream come true and he's the reason." Dan agrees that it was incredible how he got to make Jordan's dream come true: "We did the race, we made the final three, and we won." Yes, but the bad news is that Jordan's life has peaked at age 22.
Cue up the Heroic Cowboy Theme one last time, because here come Jet and Cord, to more cheers and applause. Phil congratulates them on being team number two and asks about running the race together. Jet says they were both always glad to have the other along. Phil asks Cord if Jet's a good man. Cord: "He's my best friend, my big brother, what are you talking about?" Jet waxes philosophical about things that are more important than money, like being able to travel around the word with his best friend and brother. "And in the end, having our character and our integrity intact." Didn't I just say it wasn't the cutting in line that did it?
Finally, here come Caite and Brent, whom we haven't seen since their self-imposed u-turn at ILM. For all we know, they were sent here from somewhere else along the course. Or better yet, never found their Amazing Purse and had to beg bus fare. Most people applaud, although Carol's clap is a slow one and Brandy just stands there with her arms folded like she's Ed Harris at the Oscars. From the mat, Jordan hollers out to his "peach," and Brandy cuts him a nasty-ass look. "She's my little peach," Jordan explains to her, chastened. Whatever, he's a demi-millionaire now, fuck it. As the models reach the mat, the camera keeps cutting back to Brandy and Carol, oddly. Phil congratulates them on being team number three. After a round of applause that we don't see Brandy and Carol participating in, Phil asks Caite if there was anything she wanted to prove. Caite says she just wanted to prove "that I was an intelligent person. Obviously I was able to travel the whole entire world and finish the Amazing Race, and be in third place and I'm very proud of myself." Even though she forgot all their money just when they actually had a shot of getting into second place. More applause, even though we have to take her word for it that she and Brent actually finished, per se. I mean, they're here, but that doesn't necessarily mean they schlepped the trunk or hung any posters or figured out how to get here on their own.
Phil remarks to Caite that she's the only woman to have finished this season, and then turns her attention to "two women over there who feel that..." Caite starts to say to Carol and Brandy, "Guys, I'm--" Brandy cuts her off, saying, "I don't want to hear sorry from you." Caite looks at her like, Seriously? Everyone else looks stunned and uncomfortable as Brandy goes on, "You purposely whacked us. You said you wanted to be the only woman left standing and you are." As Carol, laughing and cringing with embarrassment, hides her face and tries to sneak out of the shot, Brandy continues lecturing Caite, who's too taken aback to interrupt: "Logically you U-Turn teams that are stronger. The Cowboys should have been U-Turned." Jet and Cord are like, We're standing right here. Brandy wraps up, "You can't seem to think logically. I don't want to hear sorry from you." I don't follow the logical progression of those two statements. Caite says to her, "Maybe you all should have treated people a little bit nicer?" Rather than denying anything, or asking for examples, or simply reminding her that "I made a tiara joke!" Brandy says, "Hey, I'm sorry. You can't handle it?" Which is pretty damning. Maybe there was more to it than the tiara crack after all, you know? I mean, "I was never mean to you" or "I'm sorry I was mean to you" would sound way better than "I'm sorry you couldn't handle me being mean to you." Especially considering how it leaves an opening so wide that even Caite can see it: "Obviously I am handling it. I'm the one standing here and not you, so." And that actually shuts Brandy up, which I wouldn't have thought possible. Carol's probably thinking, I'm going to have to remember that. With that, Caite concludes by saying to everyone, "I love you guys, I really do." And as much as she's annoyed me this season, I have to give it up for Caite; right here, right now, she just proved herself to be less of an asshole than Brandy.
So now everyone converges on the mat. Louie talks about how much he and Michael got out of it. Jeff admits, "Maybe reality TV's not for me. Round two, I got knocked out again, you know? But the experiences are priceless." He's ready to move forward. He-Jordan interviews that they'll have the memories forever. "The good, the bad, the fights, the first-place finishes, and the million bucks...we can look back and say 'hey, bro, you know what, when we're on the same team we are unbeatable.' This is what life is about, these moments right here, and I will hold onto this moment forever." That and their right to continue incessantly calling each other "bro." Everyone gives themselves a big final hand on the giant mat, and now even Brandy is smiling. Because she's classy.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com
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