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While most of the teams head for buses to Bariloche, Argentina, the "exhausted and dehydrated" Brent and Caite get themselves hooked up to IVs at the emergency room for a few hours before rejoining the race. In a hideout once used by Butch & Sundance, the racers have to play cards against Travelocity gnomes. Yes, you read that right. The Cowboys struggle a bit with that until coming up on a roping competition. The horse-themed Detour also seems like their speed at first sight, but since it's a choice between navigating a field by compass or dragging a wooden horse around a polo field, the latter turns out to be almost a challenge for them, but not enough to stop them from winning another leg. Behind the Cowboys, almost everyone else struggles with the Detour tasks in a variety of ways too extensive to detail in a recaplet (and frankly I have doubts about fitting them all into the full recap). The good news for them is that Brent and Caite recover from their illness enough to survive another leg. The Detectives finally come in higher than ninth, which is lucky for them with only nine teams left. The ninth of which is Monique and Shawne, so I never have to think of the word "Mom-trepreneurs" again.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!This recap, like the episode, is preceded by a shout-out to Chile. Although I think you can probably find other resources for helping out beyond just the CBS website.
And then we're in Chile itself, namely Puerto Varas. Phil talks about the "pristine lakes and snow-capped volcanoes," calling it "a picturesque town of monuments and parks like Gruta de la Virgen." Which was also the second Pit Stop, by a remarkable coincidence. Jet and Cord, who arrived first, are leaving at 11:20 PM. Which is not to say they arrived at 11:20 AM. Their clue begins, "Find the Gnome in the Wall Gang." Getting back to that non sequitur in a moment, it looks like they're facing another cross-country bus ride. But it doesn't sound as bad as the ride here from Santiago; this time it's "only" six hours, and they'll be traveling through the scenic Andes mountains. After they cross into Argentina, they'll have to drive to a place called "El Boliche Viejo," which sounds a lot more exotic than its English translation, "The Old Joint." It also happens to be where Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid hid out when they were in that country, and we even get to see a photo of the five members of the actual Hole in the Wall Gang (not the Gnome in the Wall Gang), with the leaders highlighted. They don't really look that much like Newman and Redford in this context. In keeping with this saloon's august history, Travelocity gnomes are now seated at tables with card dealers, with flat-brimmed hats impaled over their pointy red ones. So yes, it's this season's designated gnome-toting leg, but this time, the racers will also have to beat the gnomes at a hand of five card stud. So at least the gnomes are taking a more active role now. As Jet and Cord leave the Pit Stop, they talk about how their bus leaves at 8:30 AM. Cord interviews about Jet's intelligence, again saying, "Don't let the cowboy hat fool you." And again, I'm not, but you're going to have a hard time convincing me that the clear plastic condom stretched over said hat during that interview is not as dumb as it looks. When they look at the old photograph included in the clue, they recognize it on sight, having seen the movie anywhere from 20 to 100 times (I hear that on the 101st viewing, they get away in the end). They don't so much recognize the gnome that's been Photoshopped in, however. "The thing is we don't have to run like scalded dogs," Jet says.
Joe and Heidi are leaving the Pit Stop at 11:55. They also learn that only the first three teams will make it onto that first bus at 8:30. Carol and Brandy, who arrived at the mat at the same time, are leaving in third place, also at 11:55. They interview how their relationship is only five months in, so they're still learning things about each other. And bickering about what Carol calls "the stupidest stuff." Then we see them bickering about which way is north, which in the context of the race is not such a minor issue.
Jet and Cord walk into a low-ceilinged tavern to do a little research. They're lucky enough to find a young woman who not only speaks English, not only lived in Argentina for years, but has actually been to El Boliche Viejo. They take notes and take off.
At 1:20 AM, Brent and Caite are supposed to be leaving, but they're still in their room at the Hotel Cumbres. And instead of our introduction to Caite this week being her and Brent opening their clue and taking off from the Pit Stop, it's Brent listening outside the bathroom door while she shouts groceries. In other words, the racer who first became famous for verbally vomiting on national television is now doing it literally. Apparently she woke up sick, and Brent suspects it's food poisoning, especially now that he's having similar symptoms. They get up, get dressed, and decide to go to the hospital. "We should be leaving now, but now we're just gonna try and get better," Brent says. In the taxi to the hospital, Brent blames it on dehydration, and she hopes it doesn't pull them out of the race. After all, how many different kinds of painful elimination can one person endure in one day?
Monique and Shawne, who have become the new fourth-place team by default, open their clue at 1:22 AM and learn they have 48 dollars for this leg. They talk about being here to set an example for their kids. So that means they'll give back the money if they win, right?
Brent and Caite arrive at the "Ingreso Urgencia" ("emergency room," according to the subtitles, even if "ingreso" looks more like a word for "entrance") at 1:30, which the subtitle helpfully informs us is "10 Minutes after Scheduled Departure." The hospital must be mighty close to the hotel, then. Brent's two thoughts that he shares with Caite are "Let's get you well" and "We could be out of it right now." But don't let worrying about that second thing interfere with the first.
Jordan and Jeff are leaving in fifth place at 2:01 AM. "Let's dance," Jeff says. I do like how this show makes them just another team. The temptation to Romberize them must have been powerful. But then, it's still early.
It's 2:20 at the emergency room, or "1 hour after scheduled departure." at least according to the increasingly unreliable timestamp that's following them around. Caite is already lying on a gurney getting an IV in her arm. She says they might be in the worst situation possible. And the hospital lights are making her look pale, too.
Steve and Allie are leaving in sixth place, at 2:23 AM. Then Dan and Jordan take off at 2:25 AM, in seventh place. He-Jordan pronounces their destination country as "Are-yentina!" Louie and Michael leave at 3:12 AM in eighth place, and apparently Louie is a poker player. He should be able to beat a hunk of plaster, then. We learn from them that the second bus leaves at 8:50, 20 minutes after the first one, and they decide to hit the hotel for some free internet.
Caite emerges from the emergency room at what the timestamp would have us believe is 4:20 AM, three hours after they were supposed to be leaving the Pit Stop. She says she still feels weak. "We were delayed trying to get back to the race," Brent understates. Caite says they worried about being able to catch up. But just wait until you see how the five minutes goes for them.
At the hotel, Louie and Michael are getting some help from the desk clerk looking up El Boliche Viejo on Google Maps when the models return. "The dads are right there," Caite says as they get out of their cab, displaying a not unsurprising ignorance of what the other team's gimmick is. Obviously the "dads" are surprised to see them slouch back into the lobby, and seem genuinely concerned about them. But that concern proves misplaced, as Brent and Caite go back up to their room, get their stuff out of it, and get back to the Pit Stop mat in time to open their clue at 4:25 -- five minutes after leaving the hospital. If they can maintain that pace, they're on track to reach the Pit Stop before the first commercial break.
The sun rises over the Del Salvador Bus Terminal the morning. Carol and Brandy enter to find Jet and Cord already there, and immediately start grilling them about how they got ahead of everyone else in the last leg. The Cowboys just stand there, not even getting a chance to answer any of the questions being fired at them at a machine-gun pace, and not necessarily inclined to answer any of them if they did. "They've got tricks up their sleeves, and their tricks have tricks up their sleeves!" Brandy interviews, which is a pretty generous observation from someone who two legs ago was right behind them when they tried to buy a Chilean bus ticket with Brazilian money.
At 8:30 AM, the Cowboys, Carol|Brandy, and Joe|Heidi board the bus to Bariloche. Twenty minutes later, at the Cruz Del Sur Bus Terminal, the other six teams board: Dan|Jordan, Louie|Michael, Monique|Shawne, Steve|Allie, Jordan|Jeff, and finally Brent|Caite, who are looking forward to getting some rest on the six-hour ride. I am impressed, and I say this with all sincerity, that all six of these teams went to the right bus station.
An Amazing Red Line takes a circuitous route through the mountains from Puerto Varas to Bariloche. "Bienvenidos a Argentina," reads a sign visible from the road. Also visible from the road? Some pretty cool-looking scenery. "The Andes are pretty sweet," Jet observes. Yeah, that's what that soccer team said.
They disembark in Bariloche and soon find the fleet of SUVs lined up and waiting for them. Jet and Cord are out in front, with Joe and Heidi deciding to follow closely, and Carol|Brandy behind them. Jet and Cord do not fail to notice the situation in their mirror. Carol and Brandy complain about how slowly the Cowboys drive, since they're stuck behind them and all. Cord wonders if the other teams know where they're going, and if not, whether they shouldn't probably stop leading them there. So Jet pulls over while Cord does a little pantomime with the map. Both teams behind them are totally fooled. Brandy's even impatient with them. I wish I could remember who it was that said most people think other people's opinions of them fluctuate a lot more widely than they really do. Whoever it was, that person never met Brandy.
The second bus arrives, and of this group, Jordan and Jeff are the first ones to the cars, followed by Steve|Allie and Louie|Michael -- both of whom know they're looking for highway 237,and Monique and Shawne, who may or may not. Brent and Caite, on the other hand, definitely have no idea at all where they are. But at least all these teams are able to keep their cars moving forward. Unlike Dan, who stalls his car out on an uphill slope. Jordan tries and fails to push them uphill, then gets back in as Jordan has more success with the clutch on the second attempt. I think there's actual traffic behind them this whole time, in which case Argentinean traffic is a lot more patient than the kind I'm used to.
Joe and Heidi find El Boliche Viejo even without the cowboys to lead them, and head inside. Carol|Brandy seem to get there just after the Cowboys somehow, which I'm sure will lead to a whole new round of grilling later. Inside, there are the gnomes and the dealers and that photo of the Hole in the Wall Gang. Joe and Heidi sit down across from a grizzled, sour-faced dude, who grudgingly deals a hand for them and one for the gnome. "Are you our lucky dealer?" Carol asks their host, and gets a fairly convincing look of naked hatred in return. Joe and Heidi "win" their first hand with a pair of nines, although Joe thinks the gnome's hand is his until they are handed the gnome. The clue on the bottom reads, "Hoof it to the Peña Gaucho." Carol and Brandy also win their hand by having a king in it, and are inordinately happy to have beaten the Cowboys. But the Cowboys also get beat by the gnome, so how much of a victory is that, really? In an interview, Cord deadpans at length about the gnome's fantastic poker face. "He should go to Vegas." I'm all for anything that gets it off this show.
Out back, in the Peña Gaucho behind the saloon, Joe|Heidi and Carol|Brandy find themselves in some kind of fiesta, complete with local music and dancers. Phil talks about the local gaucho traditions going back generations. Standing in front of a gaucho roping a hay bale with steer's horns attached to it, Phil says the racers will be learning how to do just that. Specifically, they'll watch a demonstration and then try themselves to lasso a target (the horned hay bale, that is) that's 18 feet away. Then they'll pull the target to them and pull off the clue that's attached to it. Heidi and Carol will be doing this for their respective teams.
Finally Jet and Cord defeat their gnome, which means they now get custody of it for the rest of the leg. Meanwhile, Carol and Heidi are just starting to watch the demonstration. Given her rope, Carol works to familiarize herself with its various parts: "Okay, here's the end." That's a good start.
Jet and Cord are pretty happy about this Road Block, as you might expect, and it's Jet's turn. Seeing the ropes, he says, "I don't know what we're doing, but I bet I like it." No word on whether Jet is a sub or a dom. Brandy is all bitter about how unfair this is, but as Cord points out, "We didn't throw a fit because they know Spanish and we don't." That's not the best example, but the fact is that everyone comes into the race with different strengths and weaknesses, and bitching about it never gets anyone to the finish line. You might as well complain that it's unfair for other teams to know how to drive a standard transmission. Carol and Heidi are still trying to get their ropes unkinked when Jet throws his rope, and MISSES! But the ladies are missing as well. By which I mean they are failing to hit the target, not that they have disappeared.
Jordan and Jeff reach the saloon. "Let's dance," Jeff tells the dealer. Is he trying to launch a catchphrase?
Heidi and Carol's throws are still coming up way short. "I think this is, like, the impossible task," Carol says. But then Jet succeeds on his second attempt, to cheers from the crowd of locals. Jet and Cord are now in first place, and the clue they pull off the target reads, "Drive yourselves to Puente Nirihuau." Phil says they need to "search the cliffs overlooking the river." That's where the clue is. Fortunately this is neither a very big river nor very big cliffs.
Jeff tips over his chair getting up with their gnome after winning their hand. "I'm busting up this joint," he jokes. Coming out, they spot the Cowboys already running past on their way back to the parking lot. When they reach the car, Jet is embarrassed to have missed on the first try. No word on which try Heidi and Carol are on. "Get comfortable, you could be here a while," Carol calls to Brandy. Brandy does not appear to comply. Then the ads start, which means Carol will be fine.
Jeff is now working on this, as she-Jordan tells us, "He is not a natural cowboy." He's getting all tangled up in his own ropes, which is another one of those things that's difficult not to see as a metaphor for the Big Brother house. But Carol manages to get a loop of her rope over one of her "steer's" horns and pull it to her. "If Carol can do it, you can do it," Joe calls to Heidi, which I'm sure he didn't mean as the put-down of Carol that it sounds like. Soon, Heidi also succeeds, and they're in third place. But the second-place team is arguing because Brandy, behind the wheel, complains about not seeing a river yet as they head down the road toward the clue. "Who's the one who's navigationally challenged?" Carol asks.
Dan and Jordan are stuck behind a slow-moving truck in a no-passing zone. Meanwhile, Brent and Caite are also bickering about directions. Steve and Allie find El Boliche Viejo . "Bitch!" Jeff says to his rope. "I'm a city boy, not a country boy." Steve and Allie win their hand in fifth place. I'm dizzy from all these scene transitions.
Way up in first place, Jet and Cord are negotiating some rugged terrain, but soon find the clue box. "What's the rules about breaking your gnome on the way down?" Cord wonders. "Probably not as bad as breaking your leg," Jet guesses. The clue, unsurprisingly, is a Detour. From a busy polo field, Phil tells us it's a choice between "Horse Sense" and "Horse Power." Oh, wait until Brandy hears about this. But it's not as bad as she might think. For Horse Sense, they go to a "gunslinger" (some dude by the railroad tracks doing all manner of trickery with a pair of shooting irons despite the fact that he looks like Robert Sean Leonard) who will give them a set of "coordinates" printed on a sheet of paper. This they will have to take out to a field with an "old-time compass" in the middle -- actually a post with signboards pointing north, south, east, and west. From there, the teams will have to count out steps to find the right coordinates under which a bag of stolen money is hidden. Already, this sounds way too hard. How do you measure the size of your steps? And what's to keep a team from digging six feet down, right past where their bag actually is? But as we will learn later, this is one of those tasks that's actually easier than it sounds, until we see the teams finding unexpected ways to make it harder for themselves. Once they find their sack, then they have to take it to the "lead bandit" at the train station, who we see slouching in a chair chewing a hayseed and looking like an older, more weathered version of Benicio del Toro, because this is apparently the celebrity lookalike Detour option. As a further challenge, the coordinates on the bag have to match the coordinates on the sheet for them to get their clue. Yowch.
For Horse Power, they'll go to Phil's polo field. And then they have to take turns shooting a polo ball from a "practice pony." Sounds totally cowboy-centric, right? But then we learn that the "practice pony" is actually a horse-shaped scaffold made of wood. They have to get the ball the full length of the field in nine swings or less. Jet and Cord decide to "go with the horse," unsurprisingly. They have little trouble finding the polo training field.
Back at Peña Gaucho, Jeff decides that maybe he should try to "be a cowboy," which seems to work for him. He's got his target, and they're out of there in fourth place. Steve is still working on it.
The Detectives and the Moms find El Boliche Viejo at about the same time. "Let's play some cards, girls," Michael says as they enter. Steve gets his rope across the back of his target, and wisely crouches low and pulls slowly so as not to let it slip off. Which works, and he and Allie are now in fifth place.
At the polo field, polo players are majestically doing that polo thing as Jet and Cord arrive. Cord tries to go straight for the live horses, and is pretty disappointed to realize they have to mount a wooden one instead. Jet gives Cord a leg up, and Cord interviews about how little kids, like his twelve nieces and nephews, get on horses. "Today I felt like one of those little kids." Bet Jet doesn't think so. Swinging his polo mallet, Cord connects with the ball well enough, and now he and Jet just have to pick up the wooden horse and carry it down the field. No problem. It can't weigh more than a couple hundred pounds. Jet takes a turn on the horse, and they're making good progress with only two strokes down. Apparently all horse-related skills translate. I can't wait until later in the race when they are asked to make glue.
Carol and Brandy have found the bridge over the river they've been looking for, and now Brandy decides she's not going to fight about it. "If you want to have a tantrum, have a tantrum," she says, suddenly trying to claim the moral high ground now that she's been proven wrong. Carol accepts the invitation to have a "tantrum," because she says she's tired of not being trusted. Joe and Heidi, meanwhile, have just stopped for directions, only to be told they've been going the wrong way.
Jet and Cord are wondering if finding treasure wouldn't have been easier than carrying the horse. We're about to find out. Because Carol has just voted for Horse Sense at the Detour clue box. "You're the leader," Brandy passive-aggressives as they head down the hill. Carol calmly disagrees as they go to find the gunslinger.
Jet and Cord finish the polo task, probably with strokes to spare. They run over to the table where a guy is waiting with trophy cups instead of clue envelopes. They get presented with one, and do a little half-hearted mugging with the trophy before reading the clue engraved on the plate: "Estancia Fortin Chacabuco." Phil says, "This enormous ranch...is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race." Already? Last team to check in, blah blah blah. Jet and Cord run to their car, knowing enough Spanish to guess that "estancia" means "ranch." "I can't believe that was the horse we rode," Jet says. Seemed to me it was the other way around.
Carol and Brandy finish climbing the steep embankment to where the gunslinger is slinging his gun. They get their coordinates from him and soon find the compass post in the field. Using that as their starting point, they start walking 199 steps northeast, as their sheet instructs. Except they get about three steps before falling into bickering about who's doing the counting. They probably both need to count to ten, is what they need to do.
Jordan and Jeff reach the Detour clue in third place, and since Jeff doesn't wasn't to ride a horse, they're doing "the bandits." From their approaching car, Joe and Heidi see them climbing up the hill. "So Team Big Brother, they jumped a spot on us," Joe realizes.
And here's a team that jumps very few spots: Dan and Jordan, who are happy to see some cars still in the parking lot as they finally reach El Boliche Viejo. This dealer is smiling for some reason. I guess they must have gotten a note to act more friendly. Shawne and Louie are still trying to do the roping out back by the time the brothers win their gnome in eighth place. Dan will be doing this one instead of Jordan, sparing us all any number of gay cowboy jokes.
Carol and Brandy are still sniping mildly and kind of loosely navigating the field, and then Carol sees a shovel sticking out of the ground. She runs to it and they start digging, although Brandy worries that the dirt around it doesn't look freshly disturbed, because she's a CSI now or something. "Then we have to find the train station," Carol says, rather getting ahead of herself if you ask me.
Jordan and Jeff meet the gunslinger. Looking at the clue he hands them, Jeff reads, "'Give the lead bandit' -- that's you [oops!] -- 'will verify that your loot and coordinates match. If they do you will receive your clue." Team BB11 hits the field, with completely different coordinates from Brandy and Carol, as you'd expect. You can't have multiple teams out searching for the same bag, even if there is no chance whatsoever of any of them ever finding it.
Joe and Heidi open their Detour clue in fourth place and Joe wants to do Horse Sense. He interviews about the compass on his watch. Then, after they get their clue from the guy that Joe calls "Joey the Gunslinger," they start from the post, Joe not bothering to count his steps. He thinks that's for people who don't have a compass. What? How does the compass on his watch measure distance? Heidi goes along with him like a spouse who knows better, but who also knows better than to argue.
Brandy and Carol are now wandering the field seemingly at random, and Brandy keeps pointing out that Carol went running ahead when she saw the shovel and they lost track of their steps. "I know, I've heard that a few times," Carol says pleasantly.
Steve and Allie reach the Detour clue . They're doing Horse Power. Running back across the field, Steve totally eats it, not only falling on his face but rolling downhill into the only mud puddle I've seen on this entire race. He should get a time bonus just for that.
Carol and Brandy are now debating going back for the horses. Or rather Carol is, because Brandy is telling her to make the call. "This was something you wanted to do." And then Carol bitches, "I swear to God, I'm going to sit down and quit. I can't do anything fucking right!" She throws down her empty water bottle, and Brandy again acts like the calm and reasonable one. "That's a nice temper tantrum," she says. They interview about the possibility that all the arguing might do some long-term damage to this relationship. So clearly this is the first time they've ever really argued. Maybe people shouldn't go on the race with people they've never fought with before, just as a general rule. Finally Carol decides they should switch Detours. "Let's just stay in this bloody race." At least until it gets bloody for real.
Caite and Brent have stopped to ask directions. While Brent gets out to quiz some locals, Caite complains about the arrangement: "I wish he was driving right now and I was giving him the directions. Unfortunately, Brent can't drive a freaking stick shift, so I have to." Awesome.
But at least three of the teams ahead of them are still not done with the roping task. Then Dan manages to barely hook a horn-tip. "Oh, God, you're so close!" Jordan blares as though that's a near-miss. But Dan's able to tug the rope and get a better handle on it, pulling it to him and kissing it on the horns. "I love you!" he screeches in its nonexistent face in a way that briefly makes me wonder if I've gotten the two brothers confused somehow. Off they go. "Lassoed that bitch!" Dan shouts on the way to the parking lot. Am I going to have to bust out the gay cowboy jokes after all?
Out in the treasure-hunting field, Joe finds a loop of rope sticking o
ut of the scrubby ground and figures, "close enough." But pulling on it reveals nothing. He tucks it back in so as to let it fool future searchers as it fooled him. Meanwhile, Jordan and Jeff find a loop of rope of their own, but this one is actually attached to a pair of bags. So the treasure hunt doesn't so much involve digging for something as pulling on ropes that are exposed to daylight, which I guess is how anyone's going to finish this task at all before the finale episode. "We gotta give it to the lead bandit," Jeff tells Jordan on their way back to the gunslinger, who just grins at them. Jeff rereads the clue and thinks their mistake is not getting the right coordinates, when in fact that's only one of their mistakes. Joe and Heidi find a bag too. Joe calls out to Jeff, "Where's the train station?" Jeff calls back that he doesn't know where it is. Then he quietly asks Jordan what Joe was talking about. I assume that was a rhetorical question, as all questions directed at Jordan eventually end up being.
Over at the polo field, Carol is up on a practice pony at the starting line, and Steve is trying to get on his, with a butt-push from Allie if necessary. Which it is. They both get to work on their balls. Please do not read anything into that statement.
Joe and Heidi reach the dusty old railway station, with the Benicio Del Toro-looking lead bandit laconically watching their approach and occasionally spitting. But since the numbers on their bag don't match those on their sheet, they have to go back. Or, as Joe decides, to Horse Power. Here's what I'm wondering -- do they have to return that bag to where they found it, lest some other team that's actually been assigned to that bag go to where it's supposed to be and find it gone? And my second question is for Joe: How'd that compass work out for you?
Dan and he-Jordan decide to do Horse Sense, as Jeff and she-Jordan again try to deliver their cash to the gunslinger. "If those guns were real I probably would have shot myself with it," Jeff interviews. And the gunslinger probably would have let him.
Brent thinks he and Caite are closing in on El Boliche Viejo. Seriously? Louie finally ropes his steer, and they're off in seventh place.
Steve is going to try his swing lying crossways with his belly in the practice pony's saddle, which looks as cool as you're probably imagining. And for the swing, Carol coaches Brandy, "Pretend it's my face." That never doesn't work, when someone's willing to say that. While helping her groaning father carry their pony down the course, Allie asks him, "What's hurting?" "I'm fifty-seven years old, what isn't hurting!" he responds. Heh. But they still finish in second place, which is good for restoring quite a bit of dignity, and off they go. Carol and Brandy also seem to be done. Joe and Heidi have now arrived and are just getting started. But Joe sits too far forward on his horse, and it topples forward out from under him when he swings his mallet. Twice. You don't need a compass to know which way is down.
The Detour choice is a no-brainier for the Detectives -- they think. It's going to be horse sense for them. "We got no knowledge of horses," Louie says. "At least we're gunslingers too."
At long last, Brent and Caite arrive at El Boliche Viejo, which is already a lot more viejo than it was when the first teams arrived. They beat their gnome's pair of nines with two pair while Shawne is still throwing airballs out back. Brent joins her, and also misses. The first time. But then he succeeds on the second try, which means he did exactly as well as the professional champion cowboy on this task. That's almost as impressive as knowing how to drive a stick. It also means they're in something other than last place for the first time this leg. Behind them, Shawne, now resorting to prayer, finally manages to get a loop over the very tip of one of the horns. That's been enough for other teams we've seen, but when she tugs on the rope, the loop slips clean off. Bummer! Jesus let her down!
After the ads, she makes Monique help with the praying while she winds up for another throw. And that seems to do it. So even if they're in last place, at least they're finally done. "Thank you, Jesus," Shawne says in their car to the Detour clue. "For all the good it's going to do you," Jesus is not heard to reply.
Hey, remember the Cowboys, who headed off to the Pit Stop, like, forever ago? They drive in through the front gate, which is adorned with Amazing Flags, with an obligatory "Oh. My. Gravy." However enormous this ranch is, they seem to find the Pit Stop mat with little difficulty. The goateed gaucho standing to Phil welcomes them. "That's another cowboy right here," Phil observes, and they compliment him on his hat. Phil tells them they're team number one, and they've won a ten-day trip to Patagonia. Back here, in other words. "This is the best place we've visited so far!" Jet says happily. Phil again brings up their belt buckles, because he apparently can't get over the fact that someone would willingly race around the world with ten pounds of cast iron on the front of their pants, and they pull up the fronts of the polo jerseys they've been wearing since the Detour to show them off. Phil asks if the buckles aren't slowing them down. "We'd be slower with our pants around our ankles," Jet quips. Maybe so, but I can think of a few teams they'd still be able to beat anyway.
Now there are three teams wandering the treasure field. Louie and Michael wisely lay out their course before getting started. Or at least it seems wise at first. She-Jordan pulls an empty rope out of the dirt and then tosses it away, because she lacks the sharp cunning of Joe. Or indeed that of a guinea pig. Louie and Michael, having already used up all the brainpower they care to on this task, have fallen into bickering, because now that Michael's convinced that they're already near where the treasure is buried, he wants to initiate a grid search like they're combing the woods for a body. "I just execute search warrants," Louie protests. Meanwhile, Dan and Jordan find a bag, dig it out, and read the coordinates only to realize it's not theirs. At least they made that discovery before schlepping all the way to the train station. So rather than continuing to search -- or, as might have been preferable, begging the gunslinger to swap out their coordinates -- they decide to switch to the polo task. Louie and Michael find a bag, and loudly read out the coordinates. Jordan and Jeff turn out to be smart enough to know their coordinates when they hear them at least, and they gratefully claim their bag from the detectives. But then, once again, they try to get their clue from the gunslinger. "We met some guy with guns just assuming he's the bandit," Jeff interviews. He blames himself and Jordan, and rightly so. "We're so stupid! We definitely shouldn't reproduce," he says. Hey, didn't I say something like that last week?
Joe and Heidi finish the polo task in fourth place. Ahead of them, Steve and Allie arrive at the ranch and reach the mat in second place. Steve wants to switch his knit hat for the gaucho greeter's. "Put that on, because you know what? I'm a cowboy!" It's like he can sense how little screen time he's getting. Carol and Brandy find the mat , and arrive in third place. "Imagine what we could do if we didn't bicker!" Brandy says. And then she interviews, "If we don't pull up out of this, we are going to self-destruct." Instead of the comment I am tempted to put in here, I will simply remark that on a reality show like this, there's no way we get to see both sides fully presented. We don't hear everything that's said. Which is why I'm refraining from telling Brandy to quit starting shit, then.
He-Jordan spends a lot of time discussing which color polo jersey they should wear to go with their pants before Dan takes his first shot, sidesaddle. After Jordan
's first shot, he takes his sweet time getting off the horse while Dan goes on ahead. "I like it," he explains. Must be hard for him to climb down off that much wood once he's mounted it.
Jordan and Jeff finally reach the railway station. The head bandit, satisfied with the coordinates on their bag, whistles over one of his minions who are waiting nearby on horseback. He hands it off as the guy rides past, smacking the horse into a gallop, then gives Jordan and Jeff their cut -- a clue in the form of a gold coin reading "Estancia Fortin Chacabuco," and goes back to holding down his rocking chair. Clearly he is a desperate criminal.
Dan and Jordan are not doing well at the polo challenge, and have to start over. Meanwhile, Joe and Heidi jump onto the mat in fourth place. Dan and Jordan take a second try, and their ball keeps going into the divots, which makes it pretty hard to hit. Brent and Caite have found their Detour clue, and decide on Horse Power. And Louie and Michael become the latest team to give up Horse Sense in favor of Horse Power after finding another wrong bag. "Too many variables," Michael explains. One of which is that God only knows what happens to the bags after teams pull out the wrong ones. Monique and Shawne are going straight to the polo course. And they, as well as the other two lagging teams, arrive at the practice field just in time to see Dan hurl his mallet angrily after his last failed shot. That doesn't seem to make the ball go any farther.
After the ads, the brothers get set up for their third attempt at this task as the other three teams get started. Michael asks for Louie's help in not toppling the horse as he climbs aboard. "I do weigh more than the average cowboy," he admits. Now it's a four-way race for last, but at least he-Jordan seems to have figured out how to hit the ball. They get their clue in sixth place. "This has just been kicking our ass," Jordan says in the car on the way to the Pit Stop. But at least we don't see them stalling out again.
Jordan and Jeff are the fifth team to arrive. Jordan remarks to Phil, "I can never read yew. You scare me." "I scare me too," Phil admits. Jordan says she tries to read his face, but he's just blank. Phil looks at her like, "You're just now picking up on that part of my shtick?" It shouldn't be surprising that Phil's face holds so many mysteries for Jordan, because so does that of a clock.
The Detectives and Monique|Shawne are not having much success, and Miss Team USA don't have much energy. Finally, on a second attempt, Michael and Louis figure out to hit the ball with the flat of the mallet-head instead of the point. "Poor kid from Providence never dreamed of playing polo," Michael says, dismounting for Louie's turn, "but I'm back!" Big talk coming from a guy whose noble steed came from Home Depot. Caite and Brent are closing in, and are the to finish the polo task as Monique and Shawne are dragging their pony back to the starting line, having failed in their first attempt. Louie and Michael aren't far behind "Spartaaaaahh!" Michael bellows victoriously. Monique and Shawne, firmly back in last place, are now on their third attempt, and the day is getting on, as the valley's clearly in shadow. Sometimes a team hits a leg where they find themselves getting really unlucky, and these two just had the bad luck of being really bad at both the Road Block and the Detour.
Dan and Jordan are team number six. Monique and Shawne, fearing back injuries, become the first team to switch Detours from Horse Power to Horse Sense rather than the other way around. Up ahead, Brent and Caite arrive at the Pit Stop as team number seven. "That's all we wanted to hear," Brent says, after facing the possibility this morning of not being able to continue the race at all. As though they didn't arrive in Bariloche at the same time as five other teams, and fell behind again by getting lost. Unless they threw up their sense of direction along with everything else, the illness excuse doesn't really fly.
Monique and Shawne are counting out their steps on the treasure field as Louie and Michael arrive at the Pit Stop as team number eight. "I want to say I love you, but..." Louis begins. "I don't want to hear that," Phil says as he shakes their hands. We certainly wouldn't want anyone to think that he-Jordan might have somehow given them the ghey.
Monique and Shawne find their moneybag, and thank the Lord as they interview about being an example to their kids and to other mothers. "Pursue your dreams and don't give up." The lead bandit accepts their cash and sends it off, then sends them off to the Pit Stop. I do have to give them credit for being one of only two teams who successfully completed the Horse Sense Detour out of six teams that attempted it -- and the only team who managed it without receiving inadvertent help from another team. It's just right around sunset when they reach the mat, so it couldn't even have taken them all that long. Phil tells them they're the last to arrive, and have been eliminated. "We did our best and that's all we could do," Shawne says. Monique gets teary as she interviews that they're proud of the way they represented moms, and Shawne compliments her on not having an ugly cry. Which is coming in handy right about now.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com