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The racers are sent to the Persian Gulf in search of the world's tallest building. But then all they have to do is read a clue up on the roof of Burj Dubai then either visit the desert reserve or go for an auto-racing Fast Forward (Lance and Keri opting of course for the third option of getting lost). Meghan and Cheyne win the Fast Forward and the leg, while the other teams search the dunes for half-buried clay urns of water. Brian racks up some good karma, and then Maria manages to break her and Tiffany's car on the way out of the parking lot, although Sam and Dan wait with them for their new vehicle. The stop is indoor ski slope Ski Dubai, where they have to either dig a tiny snowman out of a snow bank or build a normal-sized one outside. Brian and Erika's karma (and Detour luck) holds out and they reach the Pit Stop second. Several teams have to switch to snowman-building to finish the Detour, but Lance and Keri never recover from their multiple missteps. And they're Philiminated just as they were starting to get bearable.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We're starting an hour and fourteen minutes late tonight. I think that's a record. Poor Phil even had to get on Twitter and tell everyone the show was still going to be on. Also a record? Our hearts getting broken by the previouslies. Miss you already, Zev and Justin.
Phil welcomes us back to Phnom Penh, "the capital and cultural center of Cambodia, a city renowned for its historical institutions and premier universities." And for Wat Phnom, the fourth Pit Stop. "Sam and Dan will depart first, at 12:25 PM," Phil informs us with uncharacteristic brevity. He leaves out the part about how they won the leg by default thanks to Justin's loss of Zev's passport, but we remember last week. And the previouslies. The clue reads, "Fly to the Persian Gulf and find the world's tallest building." That's surprising for two reasons: one, it's not supplying them with a specific destination city, and two, are we seriously skipping India? WTF? Phil narrates that teams must "figure out" that the Burj Dubai is that building. We see a shot of the enormous glass pinnacle soaring over the city of Dubai, which isn't exactly a one-story town to begin with. Phil adds that it's still under construction, and "nearly twice the height of the Empire State Building." In case that's a little too vague for you, my research indicates that the point of the spire is about a half a mile above the ground. That's barely suborbital. However, rather than going straight there, the clue directs them to first fly to Dubai, find a Bellagio-style fountain, and sign up for one of two elevator rides to the 124th floor. Which isn't even the top, I should add. But the clue is waiting for them up there.
Sam and Dan run out to the street and hail a taxi limo. They interview about Zev and Justin's fate, adding that they're hoping to win this new leg for real, now that they have all this momentum. Sam asks their driver, "Where is the Persian Gulf?" The driver doesn't know. So much for momentum.
The Globetrotters are leaving the Pit Stop at 12:27, which seems a little late, since they arrived last week when the brothers were still on the mat. They ask their cabbie to take them to an internet café, Flight Time signaling the concept to the driver by miming typing. They interview that they're a strong team because of what they've been through. "We're gonna do it tough, we're gonna do it hard." Taken out of context like that, it almost sounds like Flight Time's "internet" signal should be typing with only one hand.
Brian and Ericka leave at 12:30, and after we learn from them that this leg's allowance is $160, they tell their driver to get them to the airport quickly. In an interview, Brian explains his position that the race is "a big game of karma." Ericka seems to be this week's first, if not only racer, to know off the top of her head that the world's tallest building is in Dubai. She seems shocked that he didn't already know this as well. I confess that I didn't either. This is the leg that Trash and I would have lost, thanks to my insistence that we travel to Kuala Lumpur.
In the internet café, at separate terminals, the Globetrotters are also looking at flights to Dubai, either because they too already knew this or because they researched it on the internet. Either way, Big Easy finds a flight leaving today at 3:30, connecting in Bangkok. Except they can't book it less than 24 hours in advance, so now they have to get to the airport anyway. Whoops. I think this might be what they call in their line of work an "airball."
Gary and Matt leave at 12:35, in fifth place. Gary interviews that they hadn't planned on following other teams: "We're smarter than that." Smart is fine, but fast is also important. Except they don't know where the world's tallest building is, which calls their smartness claims somewhat into question (yes, I didn't know where it is either, but I'm not claiming to be smart. In this recap, at least).
Meghan and Cheyne are taking off at 12:37, interviewing about their "frontrunner-type mentality." Generally speaking, I'm more impressed with their frontrunner-type racing. They sweat like frontrunners, if nothing else.
Sam and Dan get to the ticket window at the airport and tell the ticket agent, "We need to book tickets to the Persian Gulf." Better hope it only has one airport, then. "Oh, I never heard of this before," she says from behind her flu mask. Oops. Sam suddenly realizes that the Persian Gulf is a region. Fortunately for them, Team Miss America shows up, and when the brothers complain to them, "The Persian Gulf isn't even a country," like this is so unfair, Brian tells them they're all going to Dubai. Which does fit with his theme for the episode of helping other teams, but on the other hand I'd like to see him try to book a flight to the United Arab Emirates in front of the brothers without giving it away. Seriously, I would have really liked to see that.
At 12:47, Lance rips his and Keri's clue in such a way that we can now add "litterer" to his list of charming qualities. As they take off in sixth place, they interview about the strong bond they have. "And we have a lot of non-refundable deposits on the wedding at this point," Lance adds romantically. Off they go in search of the internet café.
Mika and Canaan, who I'm finally giving in and calling Team Nashville, are leaving at 12:49, in seventh place. Canaan's reaction to the clue's mention of the world's tallest building is some salty language: "Shnikes!" Whoa, you can say that on TV? As they get in their cab, we learn that Mika, in addition to her fear of water, also has a fear of heights. He tells her to change her "'tude," and she tells him to quit telling her what to do. Canaan looks like she just smacked him. Oh, the "newly dating" couples on this show are always such a crapshoot, aren't they?
Maria and Tiffany are leaving at 12:55, in last place and fully aware that there but for the grace of Justin's butterfingers go they. They pay some lip service to feeling bad for Team Asperger's, "But the rules are the rules." Tiffany concludes, "We're appreciative for the lucky chances and we think we can be contenders." I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's half right.
Meghan and Cheyne join the first two teams at the ticket counter, closely followed by Mika|Canaan and Gary|Matt. Brian is still at the head of the go-to-Dubai call tree, informing everyone of their destination as they walk up.
Lance and Keri have gone to a completely different (but nicer) internet café than the Globetrotters did, sharing a cubicle and learning all on their own that they need to get to Dubai. Lance tries to pull up a ticket booking site, and they sit there waiting for the page to load. Lance thinks it's because the tickets are getting booked, and Keri blames the computer, and then he blames the site. The Amazing Cameraman zooms in tight on the screen, lest we get any funny ideas about checking to see if they're running into this trouble on Travelocity.
The Globetrotters and Team Inside Straight join the growing group at the ticket window. "I can't believe we're all on the same flight out of here again," Gary mutters. Why not? Seems to be SOP lately. Even Lance and Keri, having either given up on waiting for their page to load or having run into the same booking restrictions as the Globetrotters, are able to score seats on the same flight through Bangkok, even though everyone else is gone by the time they get to the window. Which they should probably get used to.
And I still wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it, but here's the Amazing Red Line, making a quick stop in Bangkok and then skipping right over the entire Indian subcontinent before landing "in Dubai, on the Persian Gulf."
I can only assume this is going to be one of those seasons where they loop back and hit it again on their way back to the U.S. after going no further west than Europe. Sure, that's not technically "around the world," but then it's not technically an Amazing Race without at least one leg in India, either.
It's nighttime in Dubai, United Arab Emirates, but the multiple skyscrapers are lighting the place up. And the camera equipment is having difficulty adapting to the climate as the teams scramble for taxis at the airport; everyone's lenses are fogged up. Which would explain why we're skipping India -- this leg is actually a dream sequence, right? No? Okay, fine. Team Miss America gets out in first, followed by Team Inside Straight, then Team Nashville, the brothers, Meghan|Cheyne, Lance|Keri, the Globetrotters, and Gary|Matt, all of whom comment on either the heat, the humidity, or the architecture. "I don't think there's a recession going on here," Gary observes. He doesn't know the half of it yet.
Amazingly, Maria and Tiffany are the first team to reach the sign-up sheet, which is attached to a signpost near the fountains. Under their names, the subtitle reads, in green letters, "1st in group #1, 5:30 AM." Brian and Ericka, whose cab arrived at about the same time but seems to have overshot the mark a bit, get the second slot. Mika and Canaan, formerly in third, are now realizing their driver is lost. Sam and Dan get the third slot. Mika and Canaan have pulled over and gotten out so Mika can ask a bystander where the fountain is, while Canaan attempts to mime a fountain for their clueless driver. The local sends them to the Address Hotel, which doesn't help Canaan's frustration, since he says they were already there. "The guy's an idiot," he bitches, hurling his backpack back into the cab like a petulant four-year-old. How does that square with the faith he was talking about in the premiere? Does God say Canaan gets to treat people like this in exchange for not having sex with his girlfriend? And if He does, who exactly benefits from that bargain?
Meghan and Cheyne get the last slot in the first group. Mika and Canaan arrive after them, and get the first slot in the second group, which is not only leaving at 5:45 AM but indicated in the subtitle by red letters, the color used when machinery is being pushed beyond its breaking point and the terror alert has been raised to "martial law." Lance and Keri get the sixth spot, followed by the Globetrotters and then Pinky and the Brain.
The sun comes up over Dubai the morning, and the teams get their first look at the building in sunlight, which looks a lot like the Citadel in Half Life 2, only with less war-torn surroundings and probably not as many dimensional rifts inside. "Hopefully a plane doesn't nick me in the head," Lance says, looking up at it. Yes, that would be terrible for the plane. The first group tramps across the construction site to the building and puts on silver hardhats. They all get on the same service elevator. As for the other four groups, they're still waiting below, and Mika is in tears. Dude, fifteen minutes isn't that far behind. Oh, she's more worried about the heights. Canaan says they'll do it together. That seems like a pretty solid plan, considering this is a team competition.
The elevator disgorges the first group of teams topside. Or rather side-side, since even the 124th floor isn't the top of this colossus. The camera work tries to freak us out, by showing us what looks like a helicopter shot of the city from high overhead, and then whooshing around to reveal that we're actually only on a balcony of the Burj Dubai. It's giving me vertigo, and I'm not even watching it on a big TV. Meghan and Cheyne interview about how there were clouds below them. So now that they're up here, what do they have to do? Well, they rip open their "Route Info" clues, and Phil tells us that they have to go to the parking ramp of the nearby Dubai Mall, pick one of the Mercedeseses that await them there, and drive to "the scorching Dubai Desert Conservation Reserve" and take a ride in four-by-fours to their clue. The camels there don't seem to be looking forward to seeing them. Either that or they're disgusted that all this buildup to the heights of the Burj Dubai was so anticlimactic in every sense of the word.
Meghan and Cheyne discover something else in their clue: it's a Fast Forward. Phil tells us this is the only one in the whole race this season, and that to win it and skip straight to the Pit Stop, one team will have to find the Dubai Autodrome, "The only racetrack of its type in the Persian Gulf." Then one of them will have to do a lap in a race car in 45 seconds or less, going up to 100 miles an hour. We even get to see a POV shot of this being done, the effect of which is rather spoiled by the presence of, like, a Chevy Lumina or something leading the car along the track. Cheyne wants to do this real bad. Probably because the clue doesn't tell him he's going to have to follow what looks like his dad's rental car.
In the elevator down, Brian suggests they all pretend it was scary as hell, which they all do when they come out and go past the four teams waiting on the ground. "Don't listen to that," Canaan tells Mika. The lead four teams jog over to the mall, get in their cars, and head out, all of them appearing to cede the Fast Forward to Meghan and Cheyne without a fight.
The second group of four teams don't really even consider the FF, and wisely so. While Canaan reads their clue, Mika looks up at the rest of the building that continues to extend untold heights above them. As they wait for the elevator to bring them back down, she's quite relieved that they didn't have to jump off. Me too, except for the "relieved" part.
Running to the parking ramp, Big Easy tosses his hardhat behind him, over the heads of the other teams. Way to defeat the purpose of the "safety equipment." They all seem to find the cars quickly, except for one team. Can you guess which one? "Everybody went the other way," Keri pants to Lance. And that appears to have been the right way, because the other three quickly find their cars and hop in. "I'm about ready to wet myself," Gary says for some reason. Mika marvels from the back seat, "I can see the world's tallest building out the sunroof." And what do Lance and Keri see? The empty parking ramp that they're lost in.
Mika and Canaan attempt the tricky feat of following the Globetrotters despite being ahead of them. And they end up going different directions anyway. So that doesn't work out so well.
Finally Lance and Keri find their cars, now firmly in last place and with the added advantages of being sweaty, winded, and frustrated. Lance can't even put up with Keri asking someone out the window for directions. To Keri's credit, she employs her best and default method for dealing with Lance, which is to basically say, "Fine, you figure it out, then." That will have to start working on him eventually, won't it?
Meghan and Cheyne get to the race track and change into matching racing suits, although Cheyne's the only one who gets to put on a helmet and actually drive the car. He talks about how he's confident and comfortable with new situations, while Meghan hates not being in control. Maybe she should drive, then. She looks pretty nervous as Cheyne gets strapped into the cockpit.
Three teams are trekking out to the desert in close succession: the brothers, Team Inside Straight, and Team Miss America. After marveling over the desert scenery, which looks just like an old Foreign Legion film save for the paved highway generously equipped with light poles, they come upon a parking lot, where each team jumps out of its car and into a waiting 4X4 that's being driven by a professional. They are thus conveyed rather rambunctiously over the sand dunes to the clue box. I'd rather see the racers have to do this themselves, despite the increased risk of getting stuck. Although I don't really mean "despite."
Meanwhile, Mika and Canaan are stopping for directions, not even having managed to get themselves out of town. Mika frets that they must be in last place. "Some other team may be having the same kind of troubles that we're having," she says hopefully.
Actually, Lance and Keri are beating that, because he's taking an exit off the freeway that she's just told him three times not to take. "So we're not supposed to be on this exit?" he asks. And Keri makes it four.
The leading three teams get out of their 4X4s a short jog from a clue box that's positioned up in a dune. Brian and Ericka reach it first, and he reads the question, "Who thinks they can beat the desert heat?"
And Phil once again misuses the word "literally," as he says the teams will have to "literally drink in the landscape." Over shots of a Bedouin and his camels waiting patiently in the sand, Phil explains that the person doing the roadblock will have to find water in clay urns hidden in the desert. Adding to the difficulty is the fact that some of the urns are empty. Once they've found enough water to fill their bag, they'll swap it with the Bedouin for their clue. Brian, Tiffany, and Dan are doing this for their respective teams. In an interview, Ericka says she would have been "crying and frantic" if she'd attempted this. "She melts," Brian adds. "Chocolate melts," she clarifies. As Angel pointed out, they're still trying to get me into trouble, aren't they?
The three roadblock racers approach the Bedouin and his small herd to ask about water urns, and are given bags to sling over their shoulders. Brian starts sifting through the nearby sand. "Camel droppings," he concludes. I think he's just describing what he found and not uttering a family hour-friendly curse (as though the family hour hadn't ended some time ago, CBS). Neither he nor the other two seem really sure how to proceed, but Ericka, from the waiting area, is sure that Brian's venturing too far afield. "He's going like, to, fricking Egypt," she says. Hey, that's not that far from here; only one Saudi Arabia away.
The Globetrotters and Gary|Matt are enjoying their 4X4 rides to the clue. No sign of Lance|Keri or Team Nashville yet.
The three Road Blockers are trekking around randomly, and Tiffany runs to an urn whose neck she sees peeking out of the crest of a dune. She digs it out, but it's empty. Brian has found another empty one, and Tiffany finds yet another dry hole. "This doesn't make sense," she complains, which is often the sign of a misread clue. They're still nowhere when they're joined in the search by Big Easy and Matt. But finally, Brian finds an urn that actually contains water. "We've struck gold here," he murmurs, spooning water out of the urn with the supplied ladle.
Dubai's skyscrapers are in Lance and Keri's windshield. Wait, what? He says he's sure the other teams got out fine, and he's taking 44 East now. "Use your judgment," Keri tells him. "My judgment sucks," Lance responds, and guffaws. At least he's developing some sense of self-awareness. It's all about the journey, after all.
At the Autrodrome, Meghan looks way too stressed out considering she's only watching Cheyne follow a pace car around a track. You'd think he was a helpless passenger on a jetpack operated by an orangutan through a sewer tunnel full of bear traps, the way she's acting. He's enjoying himself, at least, and his time? 40.62 seconds. The flagman waves him back to the pits, and he interviews after the leg that he likes to drive fast. "I'm like Ricky Bobby. I was excited." Meghan just laughs, a little embarrassed. For which of the two of them, I'm not sure. So now they're in first place, and they get to ride in a white Maserati right to the Pit Stop, the amphitheater at the Souk Madinat Jumeirah. As is typical, Phil glosses over the Pit Stop info until the other teams will have a chance to arrive. They hug and run over to the car, Meghan interviewing about how this is a growing experience for her. They sit in the back of the sports car in their racing suits, waiting to leave. I'd be indignant on their behalf that they don't get to drive the Maserati themselves, but I guess this way they don't risk getting lost.
Brian is still filling his bag, saying he's going to keep his back to the other teams. Yeah, they'll never catch on that way. They'll just assume he's searching he entire desert from a kneeling position for several minutes. After he finishes filling up, he ties the drawstring in his bag and heads back. He encounters Tiffany and Dan and tells them, "straight behind me," directing them to the urn he found that presumably still has water in it. We get some more interview footage of Brian's thoughts on karma. "You never know what the future holds on this race," he says. Dude, make up your mind. Now they're in second place, and Ericka reads the clue for them.
Phil says that they have to head back into the city and find Ski Dubai, which is just what it sounds like. Except not really. Imagine a giant spaceship shaped like a big silver boomerang plunked down in the middle of a city. But inside, instead of aliens with probes and/or large breasts, you find an alpine ski slope. Phil says it covers more than four football fields. And they have to find a clue in that?
Tiffany and Dan find the buried urn that Brian directed them to, but Dan somehow snaps the bowl off his ladle. What was he trying to do, telescope the handle out? Lucky for him, Tiffany's willing to help fill his bag with her ladle. "I think it's pretty clear that we're in an alliance with them," Maria interviews after the leg. At least until they find out that the brothers aren't into girls.
They head back with their full bags. The brothers are in third and Team Inside Straight is in fourth as Matt returns with a full bag already. Even one of the camels seems impressed that he and Gary are now in a very close fifth. Flight Time cheers on Big Easy from the sidelines. "He walked through Hurricane Katrina, he can do this," Flight Time tells us. Well, props for that, no question, but that was kind of the opposite of this in every way.
As Brian and Ericka are leaving the parking lot, Mika and Canaan have decided they're going the wrong way to the Desert Reserve and are turning around when Mika spots Team Miss America coming up behind them. Brian pulls over to point them "five miles on your right," and Team Nashville gets back on course. Afterward, Brian says, "I'm nice but I'm not dumb. This game is all about karma and if you scratch somebody's back, they're gonna scratch you back." Especially given how much time Mika and Canaan spend looking at the other teams' backs. Ericka says he's "waaay nicer than I am," and interviews that there's a certain expectation about Miss Americas. What, that they're competitive? "I can pull the claws out if we need to," she assures us. Well, yes, Ericka, we all saw Miss Congeniality.
Lance and Keri try to stay positive, thinking they're on the right course now. There's a first time for everything.
Three teams are leaving the parking lot at about the same time, as Mika and Canaan are arriving. Maria's at the wheel of Team Inside Straight's car, and with a car blocking the path behind her, she tries to go forward to get out. Now, as she does this, the camera in their shotgun seat can plainly see the metal stakes outlining the borders of the parking lot, forming a line that goes to the right of the screen as it gets closer. But as Maria pulls forward, those stakes begin to align behind each other, until the car stops with a loud crunch that even the other teams can hear in their own cars. Maria sits helplessly behind the wheel as a guy checks under the car and tells her, "The radiator is broken." An Amazing Cameraman sticks his camera under their front bumper to get a ground-level shot of the car's impaled underside, water gushing out into the sand. Setback! Maybe someone should grab one of the Bedouin's urns and stick it under there, to make it easier for the teams that are still arriving. I'm just saying.
After the ads, Tiffany and Maria have gotten out of the car as Tiffany points out one of the other stakes, just like the one that's now half-buried in their undercarriage. Or, as Tiffany puts it, "Which gave the tummy of our car a little tickle and now it's bleeding radiator blood." "That's an awesome way of looking at it," Maria says. Other teams are still proceeding, except for Sam and Dan, who are waiting with them for some reason. "If you didn't have your ladle, I'd still be out there for an hour," Dan points out. Of course, in real life, it's much cheaper to break a ladle than a car, but that's turned upside down here, as Phil narrates some good news for Team Inside Straight: "If a car is deemed inoperable, a replacement car will be provided." Just like that.
Big Easy has found the urn he needs. "Being from New Orleans, I used to run from water," he comments as he spoons it out into his bag. "I'm out here looking for it." Which is kind of what I said to Flight Time before. They're off to Ski Dubai by the time Mika and Canaan get their clue open and decide that he's taking it.
Tiffany's trying to tell the brothers to go ahead, saying it's not Sam and Dan's problem and they'll get a car either way, but then their new ride shows up, so quickly it surprises even them. Yet another demonstration of the luck that must make them successful poker players. Team Two Pair is on the road again. Maria makes her excuses for the accident to the camera: "I'm an Asian female driver," she says. Like I don't have enough to deal with from Ericka.
Lance and Keri? Still lost, and arguing about which way to go. But at least it's low-key arguing for once. Maybe they're just too tired to swear at each other.
Meghan and Cheyne have changed out of their racing suits as their Maserati pulls up outside the souk. They don't exactly rush down to the stage of the amphitheater; in fact, Cheyne tells Meghan to "wait up." With a beautiful pond at his back, Phil is waiting with a very good-looking young greeter -- and this one's a dude! "Welcome to Dubai," he tells them, and Phil says they're team number one, plus they've won a trip to Jamaica. Meghan tearfully says she's proud of both of them, especially Cheyne.
Lance and Keri have finally arrived at the reserve. I don't usually transliterate Keri's Bostonisms, but how can I overlook a musical phrase like "We gotta pahk ah cah in the mahked area"? Clearly the Amazing Editors couldn't. It's just too hahd to do. Lance and Keri don't even really enjoy their 4X4 ride to the clue box, because Lance is asking the driver, "Everybody else go on?" The driver doesn't know, or he isn't saying. Lance takes on the Road Block and gets started while Canaan is still out there, scampering around like he's on a quest for the clitoris.
Brian and Ericka miss their exit, so Gary and Matt are the first ones to reach Ski Dubai. A camera in a helicopter circles the world's largest freezer as a Middle-Eastern version of "Jingle Bells" plays. Clever. Having found the building, Pinky and the Brain are relieved by the abrupt drop in temperature as they walk into the ski
area and find the clue box. Detour!
Walking a beach with the Gulf in the background, Phil narrates, "Sheltered from the scorching sun of Dubai's endless summer, teams will discover an unusual phenomenon." And then suddenly he's in winter gear, tossing mittens full of snow and saying, "A desert snowstorm"! Then he's skiing competently along while adding, "Here they'll need to decide which frozen folly they'd like to take on: build a snowman or find a snowman." Building a snowman requires them to haul snow from the inside to the outside, where it's 130 degrees in the shade. Or at least that's what a hand-colored thermometer poster says the temperature is, and who am I to argue with a hand-colored thermometer poster? They'll have to build a snowman under these conditions, complete with all the accessories. For "Find a Snowman," they ride a chairlift, then sled down to some snow mounds, there to dig for a tiny stuffed-animal snowman about the size of the palm of your hand. Then they're supposed to give it to the creepy-ass polar bear furry waiting nearby and get their clue from him. I'm not sure it's worth it.
Gary and Matt decide to Find, probably because they haven't gotten a load of that polar bear yet. They hop on the chair lift, and Matt marvels, "Can you believe it? We're in the middle of the desert on a ski slope." A splitscreen transition reminds us that it's 28 F inside and 120 F outside, back at the Desert Reserve. "No quit," Lance pants to himself, because he doesn't have the strength for grammar right now, and he interviews about the "hellish" heat. Canaan finally finds an urn with water and fills his bag, while Lance finds another dry one. Canaan returns to Mika and lets her read the clue while he falls to his knees and pants theatrically. Meanwhile, up on the crest of a dune, Lance is conserving his flagging energy by bellowing and hurling an empty urn down to shatter on the sand. No quit, maybe, but no class, either.
Gary and Matt find the waiting sleds, which are only sleds in the loosest sense of the word. They look more like short-handled beach shovels, where you plunk your ass onto the blade and then hold onto the handle protruding between your legs. Matt claims to have sledded in his boxers in Montana. Of course he does. Gary and Matt enjoy the ride down and get digging, with no idea what a Dubai snowman looks like. "Hopefully it's not white," Gary says. Well, keep hope alive.
Brian and Ericka are just now arriving, just ahead of Team Two Pair. The Globetrotters are closing in as well. They all put on gloves that I guess are supplied, and all agree to do the sledding and digging. At which Gary and Matt are still getting nowhere.
This is also true of Lance, who's getting frustrated with the number of empty urns he's finding "I'll do the Amazing Race, yeah, yeah, no problem," he snarks bitterly to himself. Okay, heh.
Looking at her speedometer as she drives, Mika wonders how it can be that 120 feels like 60 in Dubai. Canaan explains to her about kilometers and miles. You learn something every day, don't you? Especially when you're Mika.
Lance has finally found an urn with actual water in it, and is spooning it out while beating himself up. "I disappointed Keri 'cause I kind of screwed it up for us." He says he's not a quitter, and then leaves the half-full urn upended to spill its contents in the sand so he can huff back to where Keri is waiting. Which would be kind of a dick move, if not actually penalty-worthy, if there were still any teams behind him. He throws his equipment down on the ground in front of the Bedouin, saying, "Have a spoon, have a ladle, have a nice life" before jogging off. The Bedouin must be like, "He breaks my urns and dumps my water, and I'm the asshole?" Lance jokingly brags to Keri, "I'd go another lap, but we gotta go to the clue." he says. A camel groans, "Whatever."
Team Two Pair plus Team Miss America all slide down the hill, Ericka laughing like she's never sledded before. All of them get to work on the snow pile, working together, as the Globetrotters arrive and decide on the same Detour option. And all of them quickly get frustrated with the search. "Gosh, so much for our lead," Gary grumbles. The polar bear looks even creepier from a distance, watching and waiting motionlessly from behind a fence. Did David Lynch direct this episode?
In the car back to Dubai, Lance is telling us they came to win, and that he's kicking himself. This is unfortunately not literal, which I thought I should mention considering how much we know he likes kicking. He says he doesn't want to be out. "It's too soon." Not for me.
Ericka is the first to find the snowman at the Detour, and she holds it up for everyone else to see what they're looking for before following Brian over to the polar bear. They're now in second place, according to the subtitles. Except the subtitles also tell us that they are Meghan and Cheyne, so who knows whom to trust at this point? Ericka screams with excitement upon learning that they're going to a Pit Stop.
Once again, Phil tells us that teams have to go to Souk Madinat Jumeirah, although now they have to drive themselves. In keeping with the show's tradition, I've reserved my description of it for the approach of the non-Fast Forward racers. It's quite impressive, with the aforementioned pond surrounded by old-style desert buildings on all sides, almost like a UAE area at EPCOT. "With its old Arabian style, it is a stark contrast to the surrounding buildings in this modern and ever-growing city," Phil says. Especially with the top of the famous Burj al Arab tower, that sail-shaped skyscraper, poking over the buildings behind him. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated," he warns.
And not to get ahead of ourselves, but here's that team: Lance and Keri, who can't seem to decide which way to go at a roundabout.
As the Globetrotters sled down the hill towards the snow mound, Team Inside Straight makes an executive decision to switch to snowman-building. The Globetrotters are still coming (and now it's Flight Time endangering bystanders by throwing his sled in the air) as Gary and Matt make the same decision. Dan wants to do the same, but Sam refuses to quit. Even with Globetrotters squishing down the top of the pile?
Lance and Keri are going the wrong way again, and he manages to blame her without screaming at her. "I'm just saying, I think you made a mistake," he whines. After the ads, they decide to turn around.
At Ski Dubai, the brothers are arguing about whether to switch tasks while the Globetrotters continue to punch at the snow. "The teams could be done with Build already," Dan complains.
Then we're outside, in a little astroturfed courtyard, Gary and Matt carry out a sled (a real sled this time, one of those lightweight deals like a plastic stretcher) full of snow and dump it out on one of the white circles set up there. Now they're at least glad to be warm again, as is Team Inside Straight.
Canaan tells Mika to change lanes. She doesn't, and tells him to stop yelling at her. "I'm not stupid," she says. "I didn't say you were," he responds. Not out loud.
Lance and Keri seem to feel like they're going the right way again. "Every one of our decisions cost us like a half an hour," he says. "They're just poor, bad, awful, despicable." They laugh about being directionally challenged as they finally reach a sign pointing them to Dubai.
Brian and Ericka are already celebrating as they reach the mat, and are even happier to hear they're team number two. Sounds like a vindication of Brian's karma philosophy.
Sam finally gives in to Dan's whining, and they switch to the building task. He interviews afterward that he figured the Globetrotters would never be able to find a snowman alone. And then they find one about a second later. "That's how you be a man, baby!" Big Easy yells, as they run over to hand a tiny little bitty stuffed snowman to a waving cartoon polar bear. I thought I was doing it wrong. "Can't read it here 'cause my hands are too cold," Flight Time says when they get their clue. Is theirs in Braille?
Over where the brothers have joined the build group, they get the word from team Inside Straight that the Globetrotters are done and on their way. "Desert to the snow. Crazy," Flight Time remarks. They run into Mika and Canaan in the parking lot, and advise them to run back and get their coats. Canaan interviews about how the Globetrotters helped them out. And added onto their time, too.
Team Two Pair is struggling with the construction of their snowmen construction, but of course Gary and Matt, being from Montana, know all about snowman building (just as they do duck-herding, VCR-smashing, and scarf-spotting), and they do finish their snowman first. They're off to the Pit Stop in fourth place.
Mika and Canaan are doing Build, since Mika can't sled, either. Good call, Canaan, going on the Amazing Race with Adrian Monk.
Keri estimates that she and Lance are probably still ten minutes out.
Nutcracker music plays as the Globetrotters dance on the mat, Phil chuckling at one of them calling the other "Old Man." They're quite happy to be team number five. Another few legs, that's not going to cut it any more.
Mika and Canaan have joined the build group by the time Team Inside Straight has finished their snowman and gotten their clue. Canaan is saying, "Ain't no way I'm losing this race because of a snowman." Dan snaps at Sam, "Just put it in!" That's what she said. Or what he said, as the case may be. They complete their snowman to the guide's satisfaction, and get out in sixth. Canaan lets out another curse: "Shnikes!" They're the last ones there, so he's totally justified in bringing out the big guns.
Gary and Matt arrive and are team number four. Team Inside Straight is struggling with advanced concepts like west and east. Sam and Dan are asking a cabbie for directions. And Lance and Keri are finally getting to Ski Dubai.
The snowman judge loves Mika and Canaan's snowman, and he bows to her like he's in Asia as she hands him their clue. "We're screwed if Lance and Keri did the other one," he says as they take off in seventh place. Meanwhile, Lance and Keri, currently in last place, decide to build the snowman.
Sam and Dan reach the Pit Stop in fifth place. Team Inside Straight finds the place, locks their car, and runs up to the mat. Phil, never wanting to pass up a chance to fuck with these two, tells them, "Pick a number." Tiffany says six and Maria says five. "You guys are good with numbers," Phil says, informing then they're team number six. Congratulations to Phil for finding a way to give them a compliment, even if he did have to go pretty far out of his way to do it.
Lance and Keri's snowman is getting tall, and Canaan is hiring a cabbie to lead them to the Souk. This is not exactly a suspenseful ending, as much as Canaan talks about Lance not giving up. And to be fair, he isn't, but Team Nashville has got their car parked and are at the mat being told they're team number seven by the time Lance is breaking off their carrot in their snowman's face. An eye falls off, but the guide isn't going to hold them back. Lance asks for permission to kick their completed snowman, as though he ever asked for permission before, and she awesomely says, "You want your clue or not?" Marry me, Ski Dubai snowman building judge lady. Keri tells him to just take the clue already, and they're actually laughing as they read that they're going to the Pit Stop. "I may come back again one day just to build a snowman," Keri says as they head for the parking lot. On the drive to the Pit Stop, Lance is holding out hope that it's a non-elimination leg, and Keri is saying, "In the history of all the races, I don't think anybody's ever done this bad," which is a little harsh. I'm sure lots of other teams have done worse; I can think of several off the top of my head that Phil had to go out and find, which is this show's gold standard for an epic fail. But on the other hand, most of those teams fell victim to one mistake or setback, not the kind of consistent pattern of loserdom that we've seen from Lance and Keri today.
They walk down the steps to the mat, and when the greeter welcomes them to Dubai, Lance deadpans, "Thank you. We've seen a lot of it." Phil tells them they're the last team. "And I am really sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race." They take it pretty well, Lance saying, "We had a great time and it was a dream to come here." In their post-Philimination interview, Lance says he and Keri are different, but they have a good relationship. "We're different people, but I don't think I would want to marry myself. I think it would suck." Keri agrees much too readily. "Two of you would be too much," she says, overshooting the correct number by one. After leaving the mat, they remain philosophical. "We were hoping we could do more of it," Lance says. "It's just a great thing to have in your life." I'm sure that's true. Right now I'm thinking of a great thing to have out of mine.
And in news related to things not so great to have out of your life, if you've been missing Miss Alli's recaps lately? Go here. It's even for a good cause.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com