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After the Pit Stop literally pulls up anchor and drops the racers off in an entirely new city, they have to snatch a clue from the mouth of a dragon (okay, it's really a puppet). Then the Detour is a choice between schlepping a concrete animal around a park and doing a Vietnamese word puzzle. Only Marcy and Ron opt for the latter, while the others struggle with awkward animals and rickety carts. Indeed, Zen and Justin suffer a casualty; their giraffe will never be the same. Through a Road Block, that requires the dismantling of VCRs for recycling, the Globetrotters hold onto their early lead it right up to the Pit Stop at Reunification Palace, although Meghan and Cheyne make them run hard for it (and for Big Easy's very recently deceased father).
Throughout, Lance and Keri display their idiocy at several junctures, first by thinking they're in the wrong city and then by missing clues (including one that's in their hand), losing a required balloon and abandoning their animal in traffic, getting lost at the Detour, constantly bickering, and doing the Road Block with brute force (which still counts for some reason). But Marcy and Ron, who tried to do their word puzzle on their own instead of asking for local help like they were supposed to, fall so far behind that they lose the three-way race for last and are Philiminated. Not that coming in near-last and being forced to apologize to his fiancée takes Lance down a peg.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Phil welcomes us back to the Mekong Delta. "During the Vietnam war, it was a place to be feared as intense fighting between the Americans and the Vietcong led to thousands of American soldiers losing their lives." As opposed to the Vietcong, who simply respawned like it was a video game. "But today, it is a place of beauty and simple living." Hence all the boats being rowed up and down the river by the Vietnamese equivalents of Paris and Nicole. "And traveling down the now-peaceful waters," Phil bellows over the racket of the diesel engines that are clearly deafening him to the irony, "the Bassic III. This local riverboat was the second Pit Stop in a race around the world."
And then a totally awesome thing happens: the Pit Stop moves! Phil explains that the boat pulled anchor and sailed from Cai Be to My Tho, "a destination unknown to the teams." It looks to be about 25 miles along the river, or just far enough to mess everyone up. Poker players Maria|Tiffany and father/son team Gary and Matt interview separately from the boat's deck about how their Pit Stop is moving and they don't know where to. This is kind of a fun little twist, isn't it? Suddenly it's not so much a Pit Stop as a Pit Cruise.
The briefest of clips showing the moon passing across the screen indicates that it's the day, as we see Gary and Matt leaving the now-docked boat at 5:45 AM. You'd think that would be the ass-crack of dawn, but it's already full daylight. "Make your way to Ho Chi Minh City," Gary reads. Phil tells us that the racers have a long taxi ride ahead of them to get to Vietnam's largest city. There, they'll have to find the "Golden Dragon Water Puppet Theater," (which also sounds like the name of a Chinese buffet in New Jersey) and grab their clue from the mouth of one of the dragon puppets wiggling around in a pool. Gary and Matt run out to the main road, but have trouble deciding which way to go once they get there. In a joint interview, Gary says Matt is proving himself, but it's tough to let go. "Pick a direction, Dad, let's go," Matt says impatiently, rather undercutting Gary's point. In turn, Matt says he gets annoyed when his dad plays the dad card, and hopes he'll see him as an adult. Well, there's a first time for everything, right? Oh, wait, that happens every season. There's also a last time for everything, though, and perhaps we've already seen it. Then when Gary and Matt arrive at their last Pit Stop or the Finish Line, Gary can sigh wearily, "Goddamn, Phil, I'm gonna be taking care of this little punk for the rest of my life." Whatever the case, they seem to find a cab pretty quickly.
Brothers Sam and Dan are leaving at 5:55, in second place. Dan quickly hollers out to the first taxi he sees, but Sam reasonably points out that Gary and Matt are kind of already loading their gear into the trunk of that one. In an interview, Sam explains that aside from being gay, they're completely different from each other. For example, Dan is quite impatient and easily frustrated, and we see ample evidence of this in their search for the cab. Sam, the older brother, says he's more laid back. Well, he is, except when Dan's whining gets on his nerves. Then, as we now see, he becomes impatient and easily frustrated.
Since Flight Time and Big Easy (that's the Harlem Globetrotters team, in case you're having trouble placing those names) were right behind the brothers at the end of the last leg, they're leaving one minute later, at 5:56. As they jog into town to find a cab, Big Easy drops a bit of a bomb on us: "I lost my dad two days before the race." In an interview clip, both of them are wearing t-shirts that read C-RICH, which I assume is a reference to Big Easy, Sr. In an interview, Big Easy says that when he was growing up in the projects of New Orleans, his dad told him that you can do whatever you want no matter where you come from. And his dad's last words to him were, "Win the damn race." Dude, no pressure or anything. And won't anyone who beats them just feel like an asshole?
Lance and Keri are just one more minute behind, at 5:57. "I'll let you lead, but let's not waste a lot of time," Lance says from behind Keri as they jog through town. Classy as always. In an interview, he says the race is harder than they expected, and he calls it "Survival of the fittest." Back in My Tho, Lance reminds Keri that they have to go to Ho Chi Minh City. "We are in Ho Cho Minh City," Keri retorts, and the soundtrack music contributes one of its popular "FAIL" sound effects as she mistakes this little fishing village for the largest city in Vietnam. WHICH THEY'VE BEEN TO. As the interview continues, Lance goes on boasting about how awesome they are, while we see them wandering around looking for a theater and Lance getting pissed at her. "Really, the truth of the matter is, we're the lions, and some of these teams are running like a pack of gazelles or zebras. And we're gonna take 'em down." Gotta catch 'em first. Back in the race, Keri gets tired of Lance's carping and says, "My help's not working. Go." Oddly, he doesn't seem to appreciate her attitude.
Zev and Justin are off at 6:04, with Meghan and Cheyne out at 6:10 and Maria and Tiffany right behind them at 6:11. All three of them hit the village, and end up together in a group as Justin finds a local who a) speaks English, b) tells them it's a two-hour taxi ride to Ho Chi Minh City, and c) is even willing to call a cab for them. Shouldn't she call three?
Mika and Canaan take off at 6:14, in eighth place. By the time they're in town, Zev and Justin are in their cab and officially in third place. Meghan and Cheyne are in fourth, with Maria and Tiffany in fifth. So I guess the local did call three cabs. I hope they appreciate the hospitality in My Tho, which might as well be called Your Tho.
Marcy and Ron are leaving in ninth place at 6:15. It never bodes well when the oldest team is at the back of the pack. As they leave, there's a solo interview with Marcy, in which she talks about how her father, a General Robert Malloy, was shot down over Vietnam in 1968. Obviously he was rescued, because according to my research, at the time he was only a colonel. Marcy figures he survived his ordeal by "sheer adrenalin, will and determination. I've always thought that's what I am made of." Okay, by that logic, I was in the Navy with Tom Hanks's character in Apollo 13.
Dan continues to be a complete Debbie Downer, but they finally get a cab and head off to Ho Chi Minh City in 6th place. Even Sam is whispering, "Dammit." Although it's hard to tell whether that's because they've fallen in rank or because he failed to ditch Dan.
Lance yells, "English?" until a woman comes up to them, probably just to shut him up. When Keri asks, "Where's that dragon theater," she's like, "Go to Ho Chi Minh City!" with a barely-unspoken "Duh!" They learn it's a two-hour ride, but at least they've walked far enough by now that they're able to quickly get a cab. "It's like being dropped on the planet Mars," Lance complains in the taxi, "because we don't know where we were dropped off at." I've heard it's much harder to get a taxi on Mars.
Marcy uses a whistle to flag down a passing cab. Mika just uses her waving arms and her voice, but both women and their partners are soon on their way. "Sounds like you gotta try and charm the dragon puppet," Canaan misreads their clue. Mika says she'll kiss it. "Uh, yeah," Canaan stammers uncomfortably, making a mental note to get a clue to stick down his pants at the earliest opportunity.
Finally, Brian and Ericka leave at 6:29, in last place but less than 45 minutes behind the leaders. It's anyone's leg at this point (well, except Lance and Keri's, obviously). They're happy to be going to Ho Chi Minh City, and seem to get a cab almost instantly. So far so good.
So now that all the teams are in transit to the city, Marcy and Ron talk about how happy she is to be in Vietnam, and she says she really wants to experience and enjoy it. In a solo interview, she talks about how nice the people are, but it makes her "emotional about all the people who died here." Well, yeah, all the hostile people got killed, and the friendly ones are what's left. Seems like there's a Beatitude in there somewhere.
Okay, Keri? At the risk of sounding like Phil at the beginning of week's episode, this is Ho Chi Minh City. You can tell by its huge traffic roundabouts, skyscrapers, and armadas of mopeds. Gary and Matt marvel at the scene outside their cab windows, which includes one moped with a large, plastic, and completely full lobster tank strapped to the back. Of course, that's only a drop in the aquarium of their traffic woes. Gary wishes the other teams into a similar predicament. But somehow the Globetrotters' taxi has zoomed ahead. In fact, they just spotted the theater, whose sign includes the English phrase "Vietnamese Water Puppetry." Inside, a percussion band is making a hell of a racket, while the "stage" consists of a pool of water in which four long, snakelike dragon puppets are writhing around, sticking their faces up and squirting water out. I have no idea how this works. Are the puppeteers above the pool? In the wings? Under the water, somehow, using the same traditional scuba gear that has been in use since the eleventh century? Later I do some research and discover that they're hidden behind the screen at the back of the pool. In any case, it's clear that even though we can't see them, they can see the racers, because when Big Easy leans over the water, trying to snatch a clue, he isn't fast enough. The puppets keep darting away from him just as he reaches his hand out. Flight Time takes a turn, and admits in a post-leg interview that "Those dragons were quick." Finally Flight Time gets hold of a clue. It's a tiny nylon pouch, inside of which is a small brass cylinder, just large enough to hold a single rolled-up postage stamp. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what it turns out to hold. The stamp is a picture of a stately stone building, which Phil tells us is the Ho Chi Minh City Main Post Office. That's where the clue is. The Globetrotters leave the theater just as the drummers wrap up a number with a big finish. Well, I call it a big finish, even though it's really not any bigger than the middle and the end were.
Out in the street, the Globetrotters get the name of the place from a local, who in terms of directions tells them, "Ask taxi." That's exactly what they do, hopping into one. It's possible to be helpful without being knowledgeable. In fact, that's kind of my day job.
Gary and Matt get to the theater , and Matt nabs the clue. But Gary's the one who figures out that they have to go to the building in the picture. Fortunately all the locals seem to know what the Main Post office looks like. Or maybe that's just the only thing that goes on postage stamps in Vietnam. I can't imagine it has anything to do with the fact that the structure was built by some chump named Gustave Eiffel. Pinky and the Brain are still getting info when Zev and Justin rush past on their way in. After hearing that it's a kilometer away, Matt wants to run it to save cash. Now that's a man who's confident in his lead.
Inside the theater, Justin is clue-fishing, but Zev's damp t-shirt indicates that he took a few passes at it as well. Once Justin retrieves the clue, they know exactly what to do. Meanwhile, Gary and Matt are learning that one kilometer is a lot longer when you don't know exactly where you're going. Or rather, Matt is. It doesn't seem to be as much of a revelation for Gary.
By this time, Flight Time and Big Easy are already at the clue box, positioned in the center of the vast stone courtyard in front of the Main Post Office, and they open it to discover that it's the first Detour of the season: Child's Play or Word Play. Suddenly Phil's at a park, walking past one of those parade dragons like you see at Chinese New Year, except that instead of having human beings inside it appears to be operated by dancing cymbals. Phil tells us that this is a choice between a noisy city park or noisy city streets. What, no quiet option? For Child's Play, the teams go to the park and pick out one of the concrete animals from a kiosk. "They must then transport this heavy and unwieldy animal along the bumpy pathways of the park," Phil adds over footage of production assistants struggling to load their animal on what amounts to a wheeled pallet, and then negotiating bumps and curbs (this is a very large park) while collecting five different-colored balloons from vendors. Once they get their animals and balloons to the children's playground, they get their clue. Which I guess they can then try to use to make their toes grow back after having crushed them during the task.
Word Play looks trickier, if less physically demanding. What that one requires is for the teams to climb to the rooftop observation deck of a local hotel with a commanding view of a huge roundabout intersection. Among the traffic circling that nightmare ("Look, kids! Big Ben! Parliament!") are six mopeds, each with a different Vietnamese letter visible either on the cargo or the driver's hat. Once they've collected all six letters and confirm them with the security guard posted on the roof, they have to hit the streets and get some locals to help them unscramble them to spell DOCLAP, which would be the Vietnamese word for "independence" if I could figure out how to get the Vietnamese versions of those letters up online. The Globetrotters go for Child's Play. "Physically, we know we're strong," one of them says, leaving the other half of that equation unspoken and inspiring the Washington Generals to challenge the Harlem Globetrotters to an Asian-language spelling bee.
Gary and Matt seem to get back in the same cab they had earlier (it's hard to be sure, since there seems to be only one cab company in this town), and as they ride to the Main Post Office, Matt says that it turns out it's more than a kilometer after all. "I probably should listen to my dad a little but more." Gary doesn't exactly argue the point.
The Globetrotters arrive at the park and quickly find the right kiosk, which is surrounded by a veritable cement menagerie. Flight Time wisely suggests they pick one with a low center of gravity, and a moment later they're hefting a ram onto a cart. Flight Time wants them to be careful and take their time, which Big Easy isn't as patient with, until Flight Time reminds him that if they lose control and break it, they'll have to pick up all the pieces. Not that this will be relevant to another team later or anything. After they score a red balloon from a lady who's positioned to hand them out, they have their eyes on the blue one , until they realize that they'll have to cross a busy roadway to get to that part of the park. What the hell kind of park is this? They make it across, Big Easy encouraging the more reticent Flight Time, and proceed to orange. For a minute there this was looking like a scene from Bowfinger.
Cheyne has a rather odd technique with the dragons when he and Meghan arrive at the theater. He crouches down low and duckwalks toward the edge of the pool, like if the dragons can't see him the puppeteers can't either (not that I've exactly figured out where the puppeteers actually are at this point on first viewing). But I can't argue with the results, because he scores one on his first snatch. I hate it when I can't make fun of something because it works.
It looks like the four teams are all arriving at the theater at about the same time: Maria|Tiffany, Sam|Dan, Marcy|Ron, and Lance|Keri. As Meghan and Cheyne agree that he did good, those four teams all have a member lined up on the edge of the pool, trying to grab for a clue. Tiffany interviews about how her flirty technique didn't work on the puppets.. Yeah, it's not working on Sam and Dan, either. Speaking of whom, Sam is the first of these teams to get a clue, so now they're in fifth place. With Maria holding onto her leg to help her balance while she leans far out over the water, Tiffany gets the sixth clue. Ron is , leaving Lance in there alone, soaking his shirt. But at least he finally has a clue. Or have I spoken too soon?
Outside, Team Two Pair (which is what I'm calling Maria|Tiffany and Sam|Dan on those occasions when they team up) figure out that they need to go to the building on the picture and quickly learn from a local that it's the Main Post Office. Ron and Marcy are just one step behind them, but Lance and Keri are completely flummoxed; they think they still need a clue, not realizing that it's already in their possession. "Where's the clue?" Lance demands. "There is none!" Keri says, triggering the gong of "You idiots" over an extreme close-up of the little case in her hand. I assume that was an insert shot, because there was no way even the most Amazing Cameraman would have filmed that without giving it away. Unless I'm overestimating Lance and Keri's intelligence, in which case I deserve a gong sound effect of my own. Meanwhile, Marcy whistles down another cab, and as they drive off, she says, "Hey, my whistle worked again, huh?" "Okay," Ron says impatiently, like talking to her is distracting him from the demanding task of sitting in the back of a taxi that someone else is driving. Back at the theater, Lance is still yelling at Keri over the clue, and they go back so he can show what they've got to the young usher in the lavender tunic posted outside the theater. He just looks at them in confusion. They are at a complete loss. Have they really never before encountered a problem they can't solve by yelling?
Back from commercial, they continue flailing around, even shoving the little clue-case under the noses of the band that's still banging away inside the theater. Finally they figure out that there's a stamp inside, and that maybe the picture is indicating where they need to go (although that wouldn't explain why they got the same photo of the Post Office as everyone else and not a miniature reproduction of a Hieronymus Bosch painting). They return to the streets to ask directions, just as Mika and Canaan are arriving at the theater and running inside. As Lance and Keri finally figure out where they're going and get in a cab, Keri tells him not to yell at her one more time. That should work.
Inside the theater, Mika is trying to dance a clue out of one of the dragons, and getting nothing for her trouble but squirted with water. Canaan takes a turn and does no better. I wonder how they'd react if they'd seen the other teams doing this task. "No fair, guys, you're supposed to charm it!"
Hey, remember Brian and Ericka? They're still en route, stuck in traffic. Brian thinks that's because it's rush hour, but although I've never been to this city, I suspect it has 24 rush hours.
The Globetrotters now have three balloons, and as they wheel their stone ram past a random local doing a dance on the sidewalk for some reason, Flight Time says, "Work it girl, work it." That's quite a lead they're building for themselves.
So let's check in with the second place team, Zev and Justin, who seem to have arrived at the Post Office just before Gary and Matt. Team Asperger's opts for Child's Play. "We don't know any Vietnamese," Zev points out, seemingly forgetting how well they did at the starting line despite not knowing any Japanese, either. Meanwhile, Meghan and Cheyne are telling their cabbie to wait right there, as Gary and Matt also choose Child's Play in third place, with Meghan and Cheyne making the same choice right behind them. Gary and Matt run back to the street, and nearly jump into Meghan and Cheyne's cab before the latter team arrives and chases them off. Gary doesn't acknowledge his faux pas other than by yelling "Taxi!" in Cheyne's ear. Zev and Justin are grabbing their cab as Marcy and Ron are arriving, and the latter team decides to do Word Play. They head off to the hotel in fifth place. Justin is trying to direct his cabbie, but when some local standing outside on the sidewalk says the driver doesn't know where the park is, Justin drafts him as a third passenger. Chun, meet Justin and Zev. And America.
The Globetrotters now have four balloons, and are on there way to the last one, a green one. Flight Time tells Big Easy to slow down before he makes him lose a balloon. "My bad, I got you, I got you." I don't know why the producers think that everything they say during a task has to be subtitled. I'm pretty white and I can understand them just fine.
Team Two Pair is proceeding to the Post Office, and Dan climbs half out the window of the moving cab to make sure everyone makes the correct turn. "You need to calm down," Sam tells him, before this turns into that one episode of Six Feet Under. They reach the clue box, and decide to do Child's Play together. Pretty much literally. "We'll help you carry, 'cause that's the faster one," Dan offers. Is it me, or are they overselling the fake alliance a bit too much?
Back at the water puppet theater, the puppet dragons seem to be getting bored, because one of them holds still long enough for Canaan to grab the clue from its mouth. Maybe they were the only ones who correctly read the clue after all. They dash out just as Brian and Ericka are arriving. Brian seems to get his clue quickly, and they rush off to show it to their cab driver.
The Globetrotters get their last balloon, and realize they're already pretty much at the end of the course. They roll their ram up a ramp into a waiting stall, menaced by one of those loud dragon puppets that was making such a racket earlier while Phil was trying to describe the Detour. I'm not sure why they don't just have them put the concrete animals on the dragon.
Meghan and Cheyne, now in second place, are starting the same task, and going with the same kind of animal for the same reasons as the Globetrotters. As they're on their way from the first balloon station to the second, the Globetrotters finish the task and get their clue in first place. We get a good look at it, for all that helps us: "Make your way to Dien Co 08 at the intersection of Durong Vinh Vien and Durong Ly Thurong Kiet to find your clue." Although again, it's the Vietnamese alphabet, with all the diacritical marks that entails. Over footage of this very busy intersection overhung with a tangle of power lines straight out of India, Phil tells us this is where they'll find their clue. As the Globetrotters take off, a little girl is already climbing onto the back of the ram they just provided. Who says the Amazing Race doesn't make a difference in the world?
Lance and Keri arrive at the Post Office, where the clue box is, and rush... right past it, into the building, making them the first team to have done so. I guess we should thank them for giving us an interior view of the building that we otherwise wouldn't have had, because it's very nice inside. And I assume it's even nicer when Lance isn't in it. "There's gotta be a clue box!" Lance bellows, as right outside, Mika and Canaan rush up to it and open it up, with Brian and Ericka right on their heels. "The clue box is right here! Dammit, Keri!" Lance shrieks as they run back outside. All three teams decide on Child's Play, including Lance and Keri, who according to the subtitles are "Currently in last place." I pause for a moment on that image.
Marcy and Ron arrive at the hotel. For some reason, in the elevator to the roof, she slaps him on the face with the clue, harder than I think she meant to, and apologizes immediately. "The fuck was that?" he laughs. Excellent question. We see Meghan and Cheyne at the park with one balloon left to collect before returning to Marcy and Ron, who find themselves the only ones at the observation deck. As they start perusing the vehicles circling below, a little window pops up at the bottom left of the screen with the letters they're searching for: PLACOD (and please just accept this disclaimer about the Vietnamese versions of the letters as applying to the rest of the recap). They find the C, A, P, O, and L in short order, but Ron mistakes the rather block-like D for an O. Which is an understandable error, since he's looking at it sideways. But when they go to check with the security guard shakes his head. This task would be a lot more dangerous without him. Not because of the security he provides, but because he keeps the racers from going off on the step with the wrong letters. Of course, if an actual security situation were to arise, you'd be shit out of luck.
A whole batch of teams is arriving at the animal kiosk at about the same time in a confusing mass, but Sam|Dan end up pulling a grazing doe out, having positioned it lying on its side on the cart. Maria and Tiffany have a big wolf, Gary and Matt haul out a zebra, and Zev and Justin, for reasons unknown, have selected a giraffe, which is so heavy that a local has to help them load it up. Their waggish cameraman keeps focusing in close on the giraffe's painted-on eyes, which somehow nonetheless seem to reflect the indignity it's suffering at the hands of these buffoons. While the teams ahead of them are already getting their red balloons, Justin is pulling the cart while Zev warns that the giraffe is tipping, and the giraffe starts to look distinctly nervous. Up ahead, Team Inside Straight has run into trouble crossing the road: their cart has broken. Points to the Amazing Cameraman who actually got a shot of how the caster has come halfway detached from the bottom of the cart's deck. Otherwise I would have just assumed the girls were being stupid again. Gary and Matt take advantage of this unscheduled pit stop to pass the women while Dan hangs back and tries to help them. In an interview, Tiffany says, "As much as we love those guys, we don't want to impede their progress... they should race and do as awesome as they can." What a mature and reasonable position to take. Even if Sam and Dan don't always do all that awesome. In real time, Tiffany sends Dan on ahead and she and Maria resolve to head back on their own for a fresh dolly. As the other teams continue to collect balloons, Maria and Tiffany get going again, while Zev and Justin are trying to lower their giraffe down off a curb. Justin's attention is occupied by the wheels, so he doesn't heed Zev's warning that the whole thing is about to topple over. Which it does. As it crunches into the pavement, a whole section of its neck breaks, although the wire armature underneath keeps the head on so the Amazing Cameraman can pan past its horror-stricken eyes to the pieces of it lying on the pavement. "This is awful," Zev says. But the Amazing Cameraman is saying to himself, "This is awesome!"
Back from the ads, we get a replay of that sickening moment when a defenseless giraffe was horribly maimed. In an interview, Justin (sitting to Zev, who's wearing a big conical hat) admits that the giraffe was a mistake. "We grabbed the biggest, tallest thing cause it was closest to us." Which turned out to not be such a time-saver, because now they have to pick it up. Worse yet, Ericka and Brian, the team that left the Pit Stop last, have now arrived at the start of the course. Once the giraffe is upright again, Zev goes about picking up the shrapnel, and interviews that it said in the clue that you have to do that. He has to explain as much to an impatient Justin during the task. They get going again, and not for the first time, I wonder if there's some rule stating that only one member of each team can read the clue.
Brian and Ericka pick out a zebra for symbolic reasons, and in an interview, they clasp their hands together so his light fingers alternate with her dark ones, zebra-like. Okay, that's cute. Lance and Keri are loading up a doe (Just kill me now, it's thinking) as Mika and Canaan debark form their cab. Meghan and Cheyne finish the task in second, and share a very sweaty kiss in the taxi.
Back at the hotel, Marcy figures out that the thing they thought was an O is actually a D. Having satisfied the security guard that they have the right letters, they head downstairs. "Take a deep breath," Marcy tells Ron, and he tells her that she's "the one who seems a little hyped today." Well, one of them needs to develop a sense of urgency here, or we might have to endure Lance for another week.
Gary and Matt finish in third place, nearly dropping their zebra at the very end. Tiffany is now pushing their wolf, while Maria pulls it by the rope attached to the front of the cart. She's also pulling her rolling suitcase, while Tiffany's is under the wolf. Tiffany asks to Maria to slow down. "My legs are burning," she reports. Brian and Ericka get across the road, but start moving a lot faster when they see Lance and Keri coming up behind them. But then Lance loses their red balloon crossing the road, so they have to go back for another one. Why can't he just scream at the balloon to come back? The best part is that Lance leaves their doe in the middle of the road, blocking traffic and making the entire city pay for his fuck-up. Brian and Ericka, meanwhile, extend their lead.
Marcy and Ron are now on the sidewalk, getting impatient with each other for some reason. She explains to him that now they have to use the six letters they've gathered to spell a Vietnamese word. Their strategy? Look around. Oh, shit.
Sam and Dan finish the Detour in fourth place. As we catch up with Maria and Tiffany with their animal, Tiffany interviews, "I was gasping for breath like I've never gasped before." Well, for a while, at least, she's pulling the animal by herself while Maria handles the balloons and the directions. Couldn't Maria at least lighten the load by tying the balloons to the wolf or something? Did the race start before Up came out? Tiffany adds that they're the only team that doesn't have "a man to lean on." Well, not since Dan and Sam went on ahead, that is.
Mika and Canaan get underway with an elephant. Thanks to some confusion on the part of Team Asperger's and Team Inside Straight, Brian and Ericka finish the task in fifth place. Brian looks at the clue and reads, "'Intersection of D--"we have to show it [to the cabbie]." Heh. They're off, and again they clasp hands in the cab. "Team Zebra," they say. That's adorable. I wish I felt like I could get away with calling them that long-term.
Meghan and Tiffany finish up in sixth place. It turns out their rolling suitcases also have backpack straps, and Tiffany has picked this moment, when she's on the verge of pulling a Margie, to try them out. She seems to avoid passing out in the cab, though.
Zev and Justin are getting their clue as Lance hovers around them, yelling, "Where's the balloon lady, guys? Please! Balloon lady!" Surprisingly, the gazelles don't give the lion directions. They're off in seventh while Keri is climbing over the railing of a gazebo, yelling, "Where's the balloon lady?" until Lance screams at her to come back. Lance hulks their animal into place, nearly crushing a chair in the process. They're in eighth, and Mika and Canaan finish up in ninth.
So that would put Marcy and Ron in tenth place, and since they're trying to solve their puzzle by looking for signs that include words made up of the letters they have, I don't see that changing any time soon.
Flight Time and Big Easy arrive at the clue box, which is indeed at an intersection, as advertised. A big old stack of derelict VCRs (as though there's any other kind) is leaning against it. Flight Time reads the Road Block question: "Who's ready for a complete breakdown?"
Over a shot of a whole crew of locals on their haunches on the sidewalk busily picking away at VCRs, Phil informs us, "In Vietnam, almost everything that can be recycled is." The Amazing Editors show us a small sledgehammer, a set of tin snips, and a pair of pneumatic screw guns as Phil tells us that each person will use those tools to dismantle two VCRs and put the parts into piles. And that's it. Flight Time is taking this one, and he takes the time to watch the demo before getting started. He's going to regret spending that time when he watches this episode at home.
Meghan and Cheyne arrive , and Meghan says, "I'm horrible at building." And at reading clues, clearly. So Cheyne's on it. Cheyne squats down on the sidewalk to Flight Time, who looks to be just getting started. Gary and Matt arrive, and Matt's doing it. As with the duck herding, Matt has a surprising level of experience with this kind of thing. "I've taken apart VCRs before, just by... curiosity of what was inside of them." Something about the slightly sheepish way he relates this leads me to suspect that what was inside that particular VCR was his half-eaten tape of Bicurious Robot Alien Vyxsins 6. Either way, there doesn't seem to be much to do on the farm back in Montana. He seems to be moving pretty quickly, even holding the Road Block clue in his mouth.
Marcy and Ron decide to try seeing if their letters spell the well-known Vietnamese phrase "Old cap." That goes as well as you'd expect, except the second security guard, whose job it is to check their work, doesn't slap them.
Flight Time, Cheyne, and Matt seem to be finishing their first VCRs at about the same time.
Finally,. Marcy and Ron have broken down and asked a couple of locals for help. You know, like they were SUPPOSED TO. One of them quickly writes down DOCLAP for them, and after Ron confirms that everyone knows it (the dude nods and smiles patiently, like you would at an escaped head wound victim), they head back to have it checked.
Flight Time finishes his second VCR first, so now it's off to the Pit Stop, Reunification Palace. Phil tells us the place is "Famous for this pivotal moment in history when a North Vietnamese tank crashed through the palace gates and ended the Vietnam War." We even get to see archival footage of that pivotal moment. We never get to see archival film footage of historical shit that happened in ancient times, so this is kind of a nice bonus. And, of course, speaking of history, that's what the last team to check in may end up being.
The Globetrotters are having trouble finding someone who can point them in the right direction. Maybe if Flight Time took off his safety glasses. He looks like he's getting ready to dispose of a corpse.
Other teams are now arriving, and Brian and Sam are doing this for their respective teams. Dan frets advice at his brother, until Sam finally snaps, "Shut up, Dan!" as he sits down to work. The Globetrotters are still coming up empty in their search for a cab, and Gary tells Matt, "You're letting a surfer boy beat you!" A moment later, that's exactly what happens as Cheyne finishes, and he and Meghan are off to the Pit Stop in second. Gary and Matt are right behind them, so Matt at least narrowed their lead. Meanwhile, the Globetrotters have resorted to going into storefronts to ask where Reunification Palace is. "Huh?" says the helpful person behind the counter, complete with subtitles. Clearly that storekeeper would insist that she still lives in Saigon. Seeing Meghan and Cheyne run past outside, Big Easy yells at Flight Time that they need to go. "Let's follow them and beat them in a footrace!" Sounds like an iffy proposition, but they're kind of out of other options. They come out in time to see Meghan and Cheyne get into a cab, and they score one of their own, instructing the driver to follow that car. The driver obeys, even though (or perhaps because) Flight Time is still wearing his safety glasses. For Gary and Matt, it's a little less fraught. "I've got, like, seven cuts in my finger," Matt muses.
Marcy and Ron finish their Detour in last place and whistle for yet another cab. That makes three this hour.
Maria and Tiffany arrive at the Road Block, Maria closing the cab door on Tiffany as she's about to exit. That will actually prove to be Maria's primary contribution to the team this week. Witness: "I'm not good at putting stuff together," she tells Tiffany. Who just did the Detour, so she might as well do the Road Block, too. Ericka and Dan report that the girls are here. Brian's cool with that. "I'm just telling you," Ericka says rather snippily. "I'm in the motherboard now!" Brian says with relish, making it sound as dirty as possible. Tiffany gets down to work, one of the few players smart enough to be wearing work gloves, but also the only one to get a screw gun in her hand and ask, "How do I... make it go?" The growing crowd of spectators laughs at her ineptitude, and suddenly she's the floor show. Sam finishes up, and Brian, also wearing gloves, is close behind, so now they're in fifth place. And Dan is complaining about the difficulty of getting a taxi while Sam complains about Dan's complaining. Both teams seem to cab up at about the same time.
On the approach to the Pit Stop, both lead teams are talking about the impending footrace in their respective cabs. Flight Time says Meghan and Cheyne can take second this time, but Big Easy says, "They ain't gonna take it. They want first, just like we do." Big Easy reminds us that he's playing for his late dad. Meghan and Cheyne spot the entrance gate and stop their driver. The Globetrotters do the same, and it is indeed a footrace. The Globetrotters can't catch Cheyne before he reaches the gate, but they have passed Meghan, and that's enough. Once on the grounds, all four of them drop their bags (some local is running along with them like Dwight's cousin Mose or something) and Cheyne is the first to jog onto the mat. But it's not enough, because he has to step aside for both of the arriving Globetrotters before Meghan can catch up to him. And it doesn't count until the whole team is on the mat, of course. "Welcome to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam!" pipes up the lovely greeter in the white dress. Has there ever been a hideous female greeter? All the male greeters have "character" and do shit like play flutes with their noses, but the women all look like they could be on the cover of magazines other than National Geographic. Anyway, all four racers stand arm in arm as Phil tells Flight Time and Big Easy that they're team number one, and Meghan and Cheyne are happy to be team number two. Phil says the Globetrotters have won a trip to Aruba. "Never been there before," Flight Time says. What kind of globetrotter is he, anyway? Phil remarks on how close it was, and they're all good sports about it. Big Easy reminds us that this was for his father, who's proud of him and what he's become. Aw. That's one for Even Bigger Easy.
Justin is taking this Road Block for Team Asperger's as they arrive in seventh place. Tiffany finishes up her VCR, and seems to have accumulated a cheering section that's pointing her to where the various pieces go. She gets started on her second one. I forgot how to do this now!" Well, at least now I've figured out why she's such a successful poker player; having no short-term memory, she's immune to gambler's fallacy. Justin, meanwhile, is taking his VCR apart as though he's going to have to rebuild it later, doing his best to keep all the parts intact and in good condition as he removes them. Mika and Canaan arrive, and Canaan gets to work.
Lance and Keri's cab drops them off at the Road Block, sort of, maybe, but they've either been delivered to the wrong intersection or they can't see where they're supposed to be, because they go wandering up the street, Lance yelling at Keri to ask for directions and Keri refusing because he's yelling at her. Eventually they're pointed back down the block in the right direction. Possibly.
Gary and Matt are team number three. Marcy and Ron are en route to the Road Block. And Keri tells Lance that she's done being yelled at, "So you gotta stop if you want a teammate." I don't know, that's a big if. They continue being lost, and when she tells him to ask for directions, he says, "I'm done with you." Yeah that was a big if.
After the ads, they find a cab and end up getting in it to ride (back?) to the Road Block. As they ride, she calls him on acting like she's supposed to know everything, and blaming her when she doesn't. "You know this is an extreme situation," he whines, but she says it isn't; it's just directions. Well, it's directions for a million dollars, so I have to award that point to Lance. Still, She's tired of him blaming her, and he claims that his frustration isn't with her, but "this whole frigging thing." She does not let him off the hook. "I'll take my apology now." she informs him. "All right, if that's the case, I'm sorry," Lance says. Awesome. Keri is my hero.
Brian and Ericka arrive at the mat in fourth place, and are obviously pretty thrilled to have come "dead last to fourth." If they advance that many places in the leg, they'll come in negative-second!
Ron and Marcy are stuck in traffic, and Ron says, "If you don't have patience with traffic, you should not live in Ho Chi Minh City." "If you don't have patience with the opposite sex, you should not live on planet Earth," she responds, apropos of nothing.
Finally Lance an Keri reach the Road Block, just as Tiffany's finishing up, putting Team Inside Straight in sixth place.
Sam and Dan scramble onto the mat as dorkily as usual, in fifth place. If nothing else, they seem to have a knack for moving from the back of the pack to the middle.
At the Road Block, Lance is making up time, by making up rules, ignoring all the tools save the hammer and pretty much smashing the thing apart with his bare hands. And screaming, of course, to the point where the people who come here daily and endure the racket of the screw guns and the hammer blows and the clatter of components are looking over at him, like, "Dude, cold you keep it down?" "It was kind of the man thing to do," Lance says in an interview afterwards. If you put "cave" before "man." Marcy and Ron get out of their cab near the corner just as Canaan is finishing up and getting his and Mika's clue in seventh place. The complication of Lance's brute force and the destructive power of Keri's voice soon causes their second VCR to succumb, and he gets their clue despite just having thrown all the pieces in random directions as far as I can tell. Justin looks up as Zev impatiently tells him they're last (well, not counting the team that hasn't arrived yet, Zev). "Just smash it out!" Zev yells in frustration. Lance and Keri are off in search of a cab, officially in eighth place, and Justin finally abandons finesse and gets his and Zev's clue in ninth. And I bet they'll be able to recycle just as much raw material from his VCRs as they will from Lance's.
They're gone by the time Marcy and Ron arrive, and before Ron gets started, he doesn't fail to notice that theirs is the last clue in the box. Meanwhile, out on the street, Justin and Zev score a cab just before Lance and Keri do, and Lance calls that "the luck of the draw." Although it looks more like Team Asperger's had their cab wait for them, and that's the one Lance tried to claim (though, to his credit, he backed off the second Justin set him straight). So that's more like "the luck of the team that thought ahead more than three seconds."
Ron finishes up his first VCR, and after we see Maria and Tiffany check in as team number six, Marcy tells her camera while Ron works, "When we first met, he told me he was really handy." So if she ever needs a VCR destroyed, she'll know who to call. Mika and Canaan are team number seven, which they seem pretty happy about. Almost as happy as Ron and Marcy as they get their clue in last place. Marcy whistles for one last cab (spoiler!).
Zev and Justin stress out about the traffic they're stuck in, but Chun (remember him?) has already told the driver they're in a race and there's nothing more they can do. Lance and Keri are in a similar situation. "This could be the end of the line for us, but we'll see," Lance says with uncharacteristic modesty, not to mention realism. In the taxi he's sharing with Marcy, Ron remarks, "Comes down to a cab driver." Yes, blame the cabbie who's taking you to the Pit Stop. It's his fault you arrived at the Road Block in dead last. Justin reminds Zev that they'll have to run. "Oh, I'm running," Zev promises. It's looking like a three-way race for last, but the team to pull up outside the front gates of Reunification Palace is... Lance and Keri. But have hope, it isn't not over for them yet! Zev and Justin have arrived on the other side of the courtyard, so the two teams are converging on the mat. Or one of them is, because once again, Lance and Keri don't know where they're going. And get this: Ron and Marcy show up. "Zev, I see it! Zev, dig, buddy!" Justin yells. And the stereotype of people with Asperger's syndrome being literal-minded is put to rest when Zev keeps running instead of looking around for a shovel. Lance is right behind Justin, bellowing incoherently as always. Ultimately, Justin hits the mat first, and as Zev joins him, he says, "I love you, kid!" Lance and Keri are on the mat by the time Phil tells Zev and Justin that they're team number eight, and Lance and Keri look relieved just to hear they're still in the race as team number nine. Phil looks less rather less relieved. "That was very close," he says, even as Lance's swagger grows back right before our eyes. "The lion is still alive, Lance," Phil remarks. Who knew Phil watched the interview footage? Clearly it's worth it, because he adds, "Right now, the zebras and the gazelles are beating you to the mat." He asks if Lance still thinks he's the most competitive person in the race, and Lance offers to wrestle Phil to the ground. Phil demurs, but Zev offers, "We'll take 'em on." My money's on Zev.
Marcy and Ron make it to the mat at last, and are Philiminated. Ron admits that he's "deeply disappointed," but Marcy is grateful for the opportunity to be here in Vietnam. She tells Phil about her dad who was shot down. "Through his tenacity and determination, he was rescued. I just get choked up." And that's what she's doing. And honestly, as much as they deserved to lose, it wasn't a lack of tenacity and determination that cost them this leg; just a lack of speediness. She solo-interviews, that you can't hit a home run unless you step up to the plate, "And I think going on the Amazing Race was stepping up to the plate." Fair enough. time bring a bat.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com