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Margie and Luke hold onto their lead and end up alone on the first flight out of Bangkok, but flight delays land Kisha and Jen in Guilin, China first. At a clue box, what should have been a mild contretemps between Jen and Luke gets blown all out of proportion with slo-mo replays and bitch-calling and everything. The situation repeats itself both directly at the clue box, and by proxy at the Road Block as Racers have to get birds to retrieve fish for them, and the birds end up fighting each other for the fish, to the point where one bites Luke's hand. Mark and Michael's Speed Bump has them washing and drying locals' hair, which Mark thinks they did awesomely, of course. The Speed Bump is a choice between choreography and calligraphy, and they're just what they sound like. The cheerleaders go with the dancing option, obviously, while the other three non-Speed Bumped teams follow along with Chinese-speaking Tammy and Victor through a challenge of painting Chinese characters. It's a close finish at the Pit Stop, with Kisha and Jen beating Tammy|Victor and Margie|Luke to the mat by seconds. And then poor Phil has to mediate a blow-up between the black and the half-deaf teams that spills over into race and deafness issues. Can't wait to recap that. Cara and Jaime come in a distant fourth after communication problems with the dancing judges, and Michael and Mark finally drag themselves in and get an elegiac Philimination montage about how awesome they are. I am not buying what you're selling, elegiac Philimination montage.
What would The Amazing Race have looked like back in the olden days. Our vlogger investigates.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Déjà vu, folks -- guess who I got to watch this episode with? That's right, my predecessor, Miss Alli herself. I could say something here about the apprentice having become the master, but we all know that would be horseshit.
Phil tells us something about Bangkok, Thailand: "Built amid a vast system of canals and rivers, it is known as the Venice of the East." Which, if more people had known that during the last leg, maybe they wouldn't have abandoned their belongings at the beginning of a boat trip across the city. One more thing about Bangkok: it includes a former royal palace that just happened to be the eighth Pit Stop in a race around the world.
Margie and Luke are leaving at 9:36 AM, although once again we have no idea at what time they arrived. They rip open their clue, and both Margie and Phil tell us that they're going to be flying to Guilin, China. Phil continues that from the airport, they'll cab it to a street called Qing Xiu Li, and find their clue outside a storefront hair salon. Margie and Luke run for a cab from the Pit Stop, and borrow their driver's cell phone to call about airline tickets. In an interview, Margie translates for Luke as he says that it's nice to be in a country where everyone has similar language barriers to his. Enjoy it while you can, Luke. "It's kind of eye-opening for me," Margie agrees. "Good," Luke says. In the cab, Margie isn't getting through to anyone on the phone, so she says they'll just find a travel agent at the airport. Which they do. They go straight to a counter, where we also learn about an apparent requirement to transfer through Guangzhou. The agent sets them up with a flight that leaves Guangzhou at 8:30 PM, but first they have to catch the flight out of Bangkok an hour from now. "I don't think any other team has any chance of making this flight," Margie happily jinxes herself as they run for the gate.
Jaime and Cara are leaving at 10:30, more than an hour behind the leaders. Jaime looks annoyed the moment she learns they're going to China, probably because she was hoping they'd go to Australia or New Zealand or the U.S. or any other place where people speak English. Oh, now we see them in a cab as Jaime says the only thing she knows about China is that it's "Very populated." Really? That's all she knows? I mean, I wouldn't expect her to know the ins and outs of the Yuan Dynasty, but it seems like it would be harder not to know at least, say a dozen other facts about China, give or take. Of course, China has the largest amount of something Jaime hates, which is people. In a joint interview, Cara shows off some diplomatic skills that will one day serve her well in the U.N. "It would be easier if we did not yell at the taxicab drivers, but that is how Jaime communicates. If it were up to me, we would have a more calm tone with the drivers." So why doesn't Cara intervene? "I know that if I get in the middle of it, it's not going to do anything except drive her to be even more upset." Plus the one she'll be more upset at is Cara, so why buy that kind of trouble? What's hilarious is that Jaime's sitting right to her, so she's trying to be all careful not to provoke her partner's now-internationally-famous temper, when of course Jaime really couldn't give a shit. There are lots of people who claim not to care what people think of them, as Jaime did in the season premiere, but she may actually be the rarest specimen of that breed: the kind that actually means it. Otherwise she probably might have noticed that Cara is becoming increasingly embarrassed by her behavior. In the cab, Cara is trying an affirmation on her partner: "We are going to be positive and have good attitudes." Miss Alli: "And by 'we,' I mean 'you.'"
Tammy and Victor are leaving in third place, at 10:40. They're pretty happy about going to China, since Tammy went there for Spring Break two years ago. Hey, what happens in China stays in China. And so do most Chinese people, of course. "We get to speak Chinese now," Victor says happily in the taxi. Well, I'm sure they'll use it sparingly.
Jaime and Cara have reached the airport, and get booked on a 1:15 flight to Guangzhou and from there onto the same 8:30 connecting flight to Guilin that Margie and Luke will be on. Jaime politely thanks the ticket agent for her help. I don't normally mention pleasantries like that, but with Jaime it's kind of newsworthy. They wonder if Margie and Luke secured the earlier flight, and indeed, that team is now boarding, while Margie jinxes them again. Off they fly to Guangzhou, as Tammy and Victor arrive at the airport and get the same flight arrangements as the cheerleaders.
Kisha and Jen leave at 12:43, which means that going back for their bags during the last leg cost them a good two hours. In the cab, Jen asks the driver, "Do you have mobile?" as she mimes talking into a phone. He doesn't. "That sucks," she says. Well, its not like it helped Margie and Luke all that much. Jen says in a solo interview that now that they're down to five teams in the ninth leg, "That's when the competitive nature comes out in me." Like with all the other Amazing Races she's been in. "If I see somebody in front of me, I'm going to knock them over." Remember that. And in the meantime, Team Go Team and Team Family Law's flight to Guangzhou takes off from Bangkok. And soon thereafter, Kisha and Jen reach the airport, and are booked on a 3:20 flight to Guangzhou that will allow them to connect at 9:10.
As their flight takes off, a splitscreen transition shows the first flight already landing in Guangzhou. Margie and Luke disembark, as she says there's plenty of time until their flight. "I think the other teams are going to catch up," she says. I know that more complicated flight arrangements than usual are requiring the return of more airport footage, but is Margie's narration also necessary?Mark and Michael rip open their clue at 4:08 PM, more than six and a half hours after Margie and Luke left. That's, like, a workday, if you deduct the time you spend eating lunch and taking breaks and reading this recap. In their cab to the airport, they seem realistic but not fatalistic as they describe the obstacles facing them this leg. "We came here to be in the game, and so we just have a little extra something to do. We've just got to make some right decisions." Sure, why not? It's the only thing they haven't tried. At the airport, they get on a flight that's leaving Bangkok at 6:10.
The second flight into Guangzhou is shown landing, so that's three teams in China now, just waiting for their 8:30 flight into Guilin. Except the board shows that the 8:30 connecting flight is delayed, so those teams are going to be waiting together.
The third plane into Guangzhou lands at night, and Kisha and Jen make their way to their connecting flight, having not seen any other teams yet. It's 8:51 at this point, and Margie and Luke tell us that Kisha and Jen may be on a different connecting flight into Guilin. Indeed, unlike the teams that left Bangkok before them, they seem to be leaving Guangzhou on time, at 9:10. "We have not seen any other teams all day long," Kisha says from her seat on the plane pre-takeoff. Alas, their luck in that department is not going to hold. And neither will ours.
So they end up landing first in Guilin, in total darkness. Once they've secured a cab and are en route, Jen says, "There was nobody on our flight, so we don't know what the hell's going on right now." She should look down to where it says "Currently in first place" at the bottom of the screen.
It's still dark when the flight from Guangzhou touches down, so that's Margie|Luke, Jaime|Cara, and Tammy|Victor in town, with only the Stuntmen still en route. The new arrivals rush separately for cabs, and it's soon apparent that this is going to be a strong leg for Team Family Law, as they ask a cabbie in subtitled Mandarin, "Do you know Qing Xiu Lu?" He does, and they're on their way. And let me just lay something out there right now: Tammy and Victor are not going to be shy with the Chinese this leg, so in order to save us all time I'm going to indicate when they're speaking the local language by putting their subtitled dialogue in italics. Good? Hao.
Luke and Margie get their own cab and follow them. Jaime and Cara don't have anyone to follow, so of course Jaime can't resist saying, "We don't really have any idea if we're going where we're supposed to be going, but okay." In the Tammy|Victor cab, they tell their driver, "We are racing against two teams of foreigners." Yeah, keep your American passports put away if you're going to go that route, you two. The driver doesn't seem to care, but Tammy loves being in a country where they speak the language, "and none of the other teams do." Behind them, Margie admits that they're worried about the siblings' Mandarin skills. Luke adds that he'd "like to go to a country where all the people are deaf and all the people sign so we would have the advantage." What a bitter irony that they can't simply backtrack, because I think Jaime's screeching has been leaving a trail of just such countries in their wake.
Mark and Michael have landed in Guilin, and in their cab to Qing Xiu Li, Michael says he's optimistic and wants to stay positive. They should just let Michael do all the talking.
Margie and Luke are also closing in on the hair salon, and they spot Kisha and Jen walking by. The sisters are tired of hoofing it, so they get in another cab and have it follow the other team. Jen says she doesn't trust Margie and Luke. "They sent us in the wrong direction when we were in Bangkok," she says, not entirely accurately. There's a black-and-white flashback to that incident, and then Jen says they need to keep them in sight. Meanwhile, up ahead, Margie is saying that she's never seen Luke this competitive before. "During the race, I am very competitive," he says in a solo interview. "Sometimes, I'm not patient." We're building up to something here, aren't we? They get out of their cab near the hair salon, and quickly spot the Speed Bump sign. "Where's the clue box?" Margie wonders. Well, it's right there in front of the Speed Bump sign, geniuses, but somehow they both miss it and start crowding into the hair salon behind it. Kisha and Jen make the same mistake, and then we get one of those shots that Amazing Cameramen must get up every morning hoping to capture, which is four entire Amazing Racers all standing within a ten-foot radius of the clue box, all of them utterly oblivious to its presence. I once considered going to a Halloween party as an Amazing clue box, but then I realized that nobody would be able to see me. Luke nearly runs into the thing, for God's sake.
And here's where it starts. "We both spot the clue at the same time," Jen says in a post-leg interview. "I yelled 'Mom,' we went running," Luke says through Margie. "We just charged it pretty much at the same time," Jen says. What actually happens is that Luke gets to the clue box first, and is still reaching inside it when Jen comes rushing up. For a moment she has his hands on his sides, and he looks like he's trying to block her from the box with his body. And when she tries to go around him, he throws an elbow before getting out of her way. "Ooh, bitch!" Jen says as she gets her own clue. She signs it as well. Where'd she pick that up? "Wow," Kisha marvels. Luke tells his version: "When I went to grab the clue, she pushed me." But Jen insists, "He pretty much body-checked me. He, like, he gave me an elbow, and I called him a bitch, because it was a bitch move." While all this talking is going on, we've seen two whole instant replays of the incident, including one with a gong noise on the soundtrack. Because we're in China, you know. In the cab, Luke angrily signs, "Time to get dirty now." Margie's trying to calm him down, saying he can't be physical or push. "He definitely, like, bumped her twice," Kisha says in her cab with Jen. And Margie tells Luke that Jen called him a bitch. Anyone have a problem with her telling him that? Because she's taken on the task of translating the world for him, not editing it. And yes, Jen signed it as well, but we have no way of knowing whether either of them saw it. Besides, Jen's still saying it. "Game on, they're bitches," Jen is saying in the cab behind them. Luke says in a joint interview that it's a good thing he's deaf. "If I had heard her yell at me, call me a bitch, it would have been on." As Miss Alli says, saying "it's on" kind of loses some of its impact when you have to do it through your mom.
Ready for another replay? We get one after the ads. In the cab, Margie is saying, "I didn't expect that from her. That's just wrong." And Jen's still doing it, in the cab behind them. "Luke is a bitch," she repeats. "Calling the deaf guy a bitch is not nice," Luke signs. Hey, hasn't he always been saying that deaf people can do anything hearing people can do? Well, sorry, but sometimes getting called a bitch is one of those things. Kisha is quite understandably taking her sister's side in this, and vows to U-Turn them if they get a chance. "Game on, bitches." Can we please quit with the B-word already? My kid's watching this episode, too, you motherfucking cocksuckers.
Across town, Tammy and Victor tell their cab to wait as they get out at the #24 bridge. It's a Road Block. Phil squats on a log raft as he says, "One person has to take part in Guilin's fishing industry. But they'll have to learn to do things the old fashioned way." Specifically, they'll ride a raft out to the middle of the river. Then a local will help them "train" cormorants to retrieve fish. Which means throw fishes in the river for the bird to bring back. After it's brought back ten fish, they get to go back to the shore for the clue. I'm sure the local fishermen will appreciate having these Americans come out and help them bring back fish they'd already caught.
"Who's ready for some fowl play?" the clue reads, as you knew it would. Tammy volunteers to do it. "She can speak Chinese to them, so hopefully that means she can do it faster," Victor says. Does he mean the fishermen, or the birds? She asks her punter to take her to the closest raft waiting out in the river.
Jaime and Cara are now arriving at the bridge, and Jaime's doing this one. She gets along well with animals, remember. Still, not so much with the humans, as she gets impatient about the rafter taking too long to push them off. Out in the river, Tammy is transferring from her raft to a much smaller one, long but literally six logs wide, with a rafter and a couple of big baskets for fish already on board. "They are kinda gross," Tammy chirps. Her fisherman gets them into position while Team Go Team's transport raft approaches.
Mark and Michael approach a group of white-coated locals to ask for directions, but the speedy torrent of Mandarin, while pleasantly delivered, is not helpful. Mark even regrets not being able to understand them, since they seemed so nice. What's this? Is Mark admitting to not being able to do something? I would have at least expected him to claim to have gotten the gist of what they were saying, having read The Good Earth in college. Instead, they flag down another cab.
Luke and Margie are aware of Jen and Kisha in the cab behind them as they approach the #24 bridge. "He did it once, I'm sure Margie and Luke will do it again," Jen predicts. They get out of their cabs at about the same time, and then it's an emotionally charged footrace down to the clue box, with Luke right behind Jen. She reaches the clue box first, and he tries to reach over her, but runs into her from behind instead. She crashes into the clue box and nearly knocks it over, but manages to hold it and herself upright. Meanwhile, Luke is trying to come around her, and gets an elbow of his own. "My momentum, like, carried me into the clue box," Jen interviews, pointedly not blaming Luke. "She grabbed my arm and pushed me back," Luke says through Margie, which I am not seeing. As soon as Jen completes her elbow move, Luke steps back and holds his hands high, to show he's not trying to do anything. Margie and Kisha arrive, and Margie snaps, "Kisha, cut it out!" Oops, wrong sister. They yell at each other for a few seconds before retreating to neutral corners to read their clues. "Don't let it get you mad and get you all upset," Margie advises Luke as they go down to the raft so he can do the Road Block. "This is getting ugly," Kisha says. "What is wrong with that woman?" Margie translates for Luke. Soon the sisters are out on the water, and Jen yells across to Tammy, "You should have seen the fight that we just had between Luke and I. He pushed me into the clue box." "Twice," Kisha adds. Victor does a double take, like he's thinking, Shit, we're supposed to be on a river, so how did we end up on a schoolyard?
Tammy's getting ready to officially begin the Road Block. "When I think of birds and smelly fish, I think of you," Victor tells her in a brotherly way. Tammy starts tossing fish from the basket on her boat near the cormorant that's just been released onto the water, but the bird ignores the first couple. "My bird is struggling a little bit," Tammy laughs. Victor tells her to communicate with it. "They only understand Chinese." Ohhh, he was taking about the birds. Now I don't know what to do with that joke I dropped in about five paragraphs ago.
Jaime's having better luck, and she marvels in an interview over being able to train birds to do this. "If someone tossed filet mignon in my mouth, I do not believe I would give it back," she laughs. That's good to know. Remind me not to do that with filet mignon. Jen has already begun the task. "She's usually ready for foul play, so I said she should do it," Kisha laughs in a post-leg interview, earning herself a couple of slaps upside the head from Jen. See? Violent girl. Although at least she doesn't call Kisha a bitch half a dozen times. Luke's cormorant is slow to give up the bird it just brought him, so he signs, "Bad duck." The bird fails to look duly chastened. Tammy is actually using some Chinese on her cormorant. "Look, bird" she calls. And that seems to work. Now two birds are seen fighting over the same fish, but it goes to Jaime. Presumably that bird doesn't care what any of the other birds think of it.
Across town, Mark and Michael's driver nearly ferries them right past the hair salon, but they spot the clue box and Speed Bump signs from their window and get the cabbie to stop. They've certainly brought their A-game, now that they're seven hours behind. They rip open their Speed Bump clue, and as usual, it's not too challenging. Plus it's got the added non-difficulty of not even requiring them to go anywhere. Right there at the hair salon, where they are already at, all they have to do is shampoo, rinse, and towel-dry the hair of a couple of local ladies. They're already sitting in chairs out on the sidewalk, and a salon employee hands each Stuntman a towel for his lady's shoulders, then a bottle of shampoo each. Mark starts by squirting a big circle of goo on his lady's head, causing the employee to grab at it and the subject to give the camera a nervous look (and the Amazing Editors to insert a gong noise, of course). The brothers get right to work, with Mark being none too careful about keeping the massive amount of suds he's generating out of his subject's eyes. "My dad's a hairstylist, by the way," he can't resist remarking. "Is good?" he asks her, leaning around to look at her face. "Yeah, she's smiling." No, she's cringing. By the way, my dad used to be a mechanic, but you do not want me under the hood of your car under any circumstances. I'm just saying.
Out on the river, Jen is up to seven fish, while Tammy is still telling her bird in Mandarin,"Little bird, you have to grab it." But she's still only up to six, same as Jaime. We don't hear Luke saying how many he has, but as he sits on his raft, waiting with a fish in his hand, mock-ominous music portends the approach of a very determined-looking bird swimming towards him. Sure enough, it snatches the fish right out of Luke's hand, being none too careful about it. Looks like it took a bit of Luke as well, right between the thumb and forefinger. Everyone soon knows what happened (probably due to Luke's wails of "Ow, ow, ow!"), and Jen laughs. "Dumb bird," Margie translates for Luke afterward.
Jen and Jaime both seem to finish at about the same time, so they board their main raft to return to the shore with their partners. "I smell stanky now," Jaime says. Kisha and Jen are once again "currently in first place" as they turn in their fish and get their clue.
Now it's off to the "Ancient South Gate," a thousand-year-old structure near their clue. The sisters' driver knows where it is. "My ass is wet," Jen says as they get in their cab. Of Luke's injury out on the water, Jen says, "I really believe in karma. There's a replay of the bite, and Jen says, "It was extremely bad sportsmanship." Does she mean the elbow, the bitch-calling, or the biting?
Jaime and Cara get in their cab, and Jamie happily says, "She gets it now!" As they drive along, Jaime says, "I'm excited, because our taxi driver has now realized we're in a race. It's amazing how much faster her taxi seems to go." Cara needs to start every leg with an affirmation.
Luke finishes the Road Block , and he talks some more about the avian attack he suffered as they ride back to shore. Tammy, who got there first, still has only nine fish. And what's worse is that her bird has flown the coop. "We need the bird to come back! They're so disobedient!" Victor cries. Try some more Mandarin.
Mark and Michael have their customers bent over a trough to rinse their hair. Then it's a quick towel-dry, and the salon employee presents them with their clue sending them to Bridge #24. Back to their cab. "That was fun," Mark chuckles. For you maybe, but the lady you just beat up is going to have PTSD flashbacks every time she sees a bottle of Suave for the rest of her life.
Tammy manages to lure her bird back with a combination of fish and Mandarin, and she finishes the task. In a solo interview, Victor says they do better when they work together as a team. Points to him for learning from his mistakes. They head back to shore, and pass Margie and Luke so quickly that they think they haven't done it yet. "Just like cab drivers, we get the slow boat drivers too," Margie says. Indeed, the siblings get their clue in third place. As they get back in their cab, Victor tells Margie and Luke's driver, "You guys drive slower! You are driving too fast!" I think he's joking, and even if he isn't, he has to know it wouldn't work anyway. And it doesn't, when Margie and Luke take off in fourth. "That was fun, until the bird bit me," Luke says.
In the cab, Tammy says, "I'm not quite sure but, as we were on the boats, Jennifer said something about Luke body-checking her." To her credit, she reiterates that she's not sure what actually happened. Of course Kisha and Jen are; at least in their own minds. "That was dirty and unnecessary," Jen says. Up ahead, Margie is telling Luke that Jen's saying he pushed her first. "I know you didn't," she agrees when he denies it. "If they think that's what it takes to win, then by all means, play your game that way," Jen says. And Margie is saying that Jen came from behind and pushed him. "I think I'll piss them off more because I'll laugh in their face," Jen says. Which, yes, will happen. My goodness, the only thing more tiresome to recap than an argument is an argument that takes place in two separate taxis.
Is Linda Evangelista supposed to look like the Snow Whitewitch in this commercial? Is that the goal?
After the ads, Margie tells Luke to forget about it. Good advice. If only she'll follow it. Kisha and Jen get to the South Ancient Gate first, and walk across a paved park area to find the clue box. It's a Detour, and suddenly Phil's on a brick outdoor dance floor, surrounded by ballroom-dancing couples. He says it's a choice between two local modes of artistic expression: "Choreography" and "Calligraphy" are the choices. You wouldn't think those two options would need much explanation, but here goes. For Choreography, the teams will need to go to an island in the center of the park's lake (how big is this park?), then join the locals doing their "morning dance routine," and learn the dance for themselves. Then they'll get their clue if they do it right. Phil says, "Learning a dance routine can be a very daunting task, but teams with good rhythm could find themselves quickly shuffling off to their destination." He keeps an admirably straight face while delivering this line. As for Calligraphy, they'll need to cross a pair of footbridges and find one of four "calligraphy stations," which are essentially locations around the park manned by a calligrapher (this is apparently a very large park). There, the teams will use brushes and ink to copy out Chinese characters that happen to be the name of the station. They'll proceed this way through four stations (this park keeps getting bigger and bigger), and the last artist will give them their clue. Phil warns, "The Chinese characters are intricate, and if teams copy them incorrectly, they could find themselves literally lost in translation." Jen and Kisha head off to do calligraphy.
Jaime and Cara seem to be right behind them, and the choreography choice would seem to be a no-brainer for them. Well, I would hope so, as former cheerleaders. But that' s not the only reason: Jaime interviews that she has such terrible handwriting that she couldn't understand her own notes in college. I wonder if she yelled at herself a lot.
Tammy and Victor get out of their cab and run around yelling, "Ancient South Gate? Right or left?" But again, being lost in the local language doesn't keep Margie and Luke from finding the clue box first. They're dong calligraphy, which, as Luke explains, seemed preferable to an option whose instructions included the phrase "when the music starts." Tammy and Victor find the clue box in fourth place, and quickly agree to do calligraphy.
In the cab to the Detour, Mark is voicing his appreciation that the Speed Bump didn't take them off course at all. Yeah, I was noticing that too. Maybe the producers just want them in the Pit Stop before dark. Soon they're at the #24 Bridge, reading the clue: "Who's ready for some fowl play?" Michael thinks that fowl is fish, and Mark agrees that the "fowl play" pun means that this is clearly a fishing task. So, once again, they've gotten to the right place in the wrong way.
Jaime and Cara have found the dance park, and they choose a couple to take aside and teach them the steps. Jaime dances with the woman while Cara dances with the man, in case it wasn't already obvious that Jaime would be leading. They seem to be picking it up rather quickly, as one would expect.
Kisha and Jen arrive at the first calligraphy station, trying to puzzle out what it is they're supposed to do. Margie and Luke show up, and it's quietly tense between the two teams until Luke finds the low table stacked with calligraphy supplies. Both teams stay out of each other's way as they fumble with the accoutrements, but the sisters are vocally keen to beat Margie and Luke. Tammy and Victor arrive, and now he's even speaking to his sister in Chinese: "We have to write what they write. Oh, our Chinese sucks." Yeah, I was gonna say. Everyone's copying down characters, and Tammy says, "Sadly, Victor and I did not pay attention in Chinese school." Oh, please, with the false modesty. I suspect you paid more attention there than the other teams did.
Cara and Jaime are ready to try the dance with each other, as their instructor-couple watch and give non-verbal tips throughout. In VO, Cara explains that they met as Miami Dolphins cheerleaders. "Having experience with choreography, we are very trained to do exactly what we are taught down to the T." It'll be embarrassing if they blow this, then. The woman teaching them is posing them like action figures, and Jaime laughs at the "manhandling," instead of screaming at her for it. Cara should start every leg with an affirmation.
Michael's out on the river, tossing fish in for his birds, while Mark huddles under a blanket on the main raft, yelling advice and looking like an invalid.
Tammy re-explains the calligraphy option for slower viewers, as we see that the sisters have just successfully copied the characters for "Fu Yong Lang." They get a stamp on their card and are sent on their way to find the station. Tammy and Victor are right behind them, and the four of them run down the path together, just as Luke and Margie are finishing up. Jaime and Cara seem confident that they've mastered the dance, so they head back to the dance floor to try it out. Victor is asking locals for directions to Fu Yong Lang, and they point them off down the path.
Over at the dance floor, while we hear Cara talking about the advantage their cheerleading training afforded them, we see them bumping into another couple. And their teacher giggles at how much they're stinking up the floor. Maybe this is happening because they're ex-NFL cheerleaders, and are used to performing in spaces that are also used for people to crash into each other.
Tammy and Victor, with Kisha and Jen in tow, reach the outdoor shelter with the Fu Yong Lang characters posted on the edge of its roof and babble away in Chinese at the calligrapher waiting there. "Yeah, whatever they said," Jen agrees, apparently without moving her lips. Much has been made of Tammy and Victor's advantage with the language here, but if Jen can really communicate telepathically, that's an even bigger deal to me.
Jaime and Cara finish their dance, but the judges shake their heads. The dancers laugh, as the expression goes, which of course pisses Jaime off. "They think it's hilarious, but we're in a race and they're laughing." Do you hear that, locals? Laugh faster!
At the second calligraphy station, Tammy and Victor finish first, and suck up to the calligrapher on their way out. Luke and Margie are right behind them, followed by the sisters. By now, Victor is already asking someone for directions to Wang Peng Yun Tong Xiang, and everyone follows them. This park is huge. Elsewhere, the cheerleaders are having another crack at the dance, counting to each other out loud as they go. "Just walk over them, I don't care," Jaime says when she backs Cara into another couple. Charming. "We're ticking people off with our dancing," Cara says. Yes, including the judges.
Tammy and Victor introduce themselves to the third calligrapher: "We are foreign born, Chinese from America. If we don't win, our parents will cry themselves to death." Victor soon finishes writing "Yang Qiao Xia Mien," and shows it to the judge. He gives it a glance, then turns to see the work Kisha's holding out, but Tammy and Victor say, "Us first, us first." So that's their third stamp, and all six racers head to the last station.
Michael gets his bird to deliver the tenth fish, and they return to shore, planning to catch up. "That was a very unusual task, but very cool," Michael post-mortems in the cab to the Ancient South Gate. I'm glad it was Michael who did that task, so we didn't have to hear Mark telling us how awesome he did.
Jaime and Cara finish the dance again, and the female judge shakes her head and says, "No." "Huh?" Jaime says flatly, like that's the wrong answer. "Well, what is the problem?" she demands. "Do you speak any English whatsoever? Anyone speak any English?" Jaime, did you not hear her say no? That's English, among a few other languages. We go to commercial on Jaime making a frustrated lizard-face. After the ads, they're still not getting any constructive feedback, so they decide to leave. It's Cara who wants to go, but it's Jaime who snits, "Goodbye," just so everyone knows that she's not only leaving, she's mad about it, too.
It's actually Jen and Kisha who get everyone pointed in the right direction to the fourth calligraphy station, which is in a tunnel. This park is bigger than the city it's in.
Jaime and Cara decide to quit looking for calligraphy when they decide to give it another try, but this time they plan to keep going until the music stops. Mark and Michael are happy with their cabbie's confidence level about their destination, probably because they don't yet realize that the size of the place would make it impossible to miss anyway. And at calligraphy station four, Victor says, "Teacher, look, I'm done. Just give us our fourth stamp." They have to repeat it a couple of times, but soon they have their clue, in the form of a small scroll. They step away from the others to unroll it, revealing an ink drawing of a pair of pagodas and the words, "Travel by foot to the Pit Stop."
Phil says that would be Banyan Lake, where they'll need to match up the view in the picture. In fact, that ink-drawing clue would be suitable for framing, if you just drew Phil in at the bottom, like we see him now on the screen. "Nestled in the shadow of the famous sun and moon pagodas, this lakeside spot is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race," he says. And the last team to check in may be eliminated.
Margie and Luke get their clue in second place, with Kisha and Jen right behind them in third. Then it's kind of a scrum, with everyone running together. Waiting at the mat, Phil points across the lake and excitedly says, "There they are, inside, right there! See?" His two co-greeters, an older couple enjoying a casual lunch at a folding table off to one side, don't seem to share his excitement. "We got three teams all together," Phil adds. But the first team across the footbridge and onto the mat, by mere seconds, is Kisha and Jen. "We beat Margie and Luke. Good job, Jen," Kisha says. Victor and Tammy arrive , in second, followed by Margie and Luke in third. "Welcome to Guilin, China," the male diner says over his bowl and chopsticks. These greeters remind me of the director of the Vinny Vedecci show on SNL. Phil gives them their official ranks, and tells Kisha and Jen that they've won a trip to Barbados. Their first win of the Race.
And then he says something kind of regrettable, because of where it leads: "I feel like things are getting a little more tense now, as we're getting close to the finish." Of course it's Tammy and Victor who speak up, because they don't have any idea of the extent to which this has been trumped up by the involved parties. "It's good, spirited fun," Victor says, but the sisters say, "No, it's not," while behind him, Margie is signing "Don't say anything" to Luke. "I'm angry," he signs back. But the sisters aren't taking the high road here, so Margie tells Phil, "He was at the box first, she came up from behind and shoved Luke. And then she called him a bitch." Jen unrepentantly admits as much, and Phil asks, "Do you think there could have been a misunderstanding? You were going for the clue box..." Jen says that's right, and says they both saw it together, and in case you wanted to see it yet again, we get another clip of Jen crashing into Luke from behind. "He put his butt out, I almost got an elbow to the face. He moved out of the way, I got to the clue box, I called him a bitch because it was a bitch move." I can't really disagree with her description, other then the implication that a single bitch move makes one a bitch. Now the greeters are paying attention, by the way.
Margie gives her version: "Jen bashed into him from behind, reached over him, grabbed him." The sisters don't see it that way. Phil is starting to look like he's wishing he could be somewhere else, to say nothing of poor Tammy and Victor, stuck being the silent buffer between the arguing teams. Not talking so much now, are they? Jen tells the story of what happened at the Road Block clue box, and we don't hear her say anything that isn't borne out in that replay, let alone anything that points the finger at Luke, but Luke throws up his hands and storms off furiously. "Bitch!" he signs from a distance. How original. Phil calls Luke back to tell his own side. Luke angrily tells the sisters, "It's my turn to talk now." Kisha lets out a little laugh, and Margie goes off. "Don't laugh at my son when he's signing," she orders, and continues to get angrier even as Kisha says they didn't mean anything by it. "That's what we do, we smile," Kisha says. Which is true; I've seen Kisha smiling through situations that would make some other Racers stroke out. But Margie isn't about to let it go. "He's signing and they're laughing at him!" she appeals to Phil, who's actively trying to defuse this now. "I don't think that's what they meant," he tries. Careful, Margie. The last time Phil was wrong was when he said, "Jonathan, I think you should probably go and talk to Victoria." But Margie will not be stopped. "He's lived with this his whole life, and he doesn't need it from people like you!" Oh, no she didn't. Kisha's smile was already gone, but when Margie busts out with "people like you," whatever that means, she spread her hands helplessly to Phil, like, what the hell was that? Margie rants on, "You should understand oppression because you're black and you've lived with it. He has lived with just as much!" Oh, shit. Bringing up race is like the Godwin's Law of reality shows, and Margie just did it. Bad, bad move. This is why I hate arguments: people get worked up, and they do or say something stupid, like Margie just did, and then the argument becomes about that, and you're never walking it back. Better to just not escalate things that should have been minor incidents to begin with. I'm not taking a side here; I don't think either team has acquitted itself well. But on the other hand, only one of those teams is freaking out right now.
Luke gets into it himself, signing, "My whole life, hearing people put deaf people down." "Yeah," Margie agrees instead of translating, because in her self-righteous rage she's forgotten that they can't follow his signing or read the subtitles on the screen. Luke's nearly in tears as Kisha tries to explain herself that she smiles and laughs, "especially in tense situations. I apologize if there was a misunderstanding thinking we were laughing at you." Normally I hate that kind of non-apology apology, but it's clearly the only one we're going to hear in this situation. And of course Luke doesn't hear it at all, because he's not finished being mad. "All hearing people put deaf people down. They think we're stupid," Luke says through Margie. All hearing people? Shit, I've been missing out! The sisters aren't having that, and in a post-leg interview, they say that laughing and smiling at people is their strategy, to piss them off more. Looks like it worked, better than intended. In her own post-leg interview Margie says something about how Kisha and Jen were laughing like they got away with something, which is the first we've heard of that kind of accusation. "It's just been a bad day and I just want it to be over," she says. I'm not picking a winner in this blow-out, just because everyone behaved so poorly. Let's wait and see who regrets their actions the most in the coming days. Then we'll have a winner.
Jaime and Cara have realized their mistake: they're supposed to have kept doing the dance until the music stopped, not just gone through it once. And, as with most dance tasks on this show, you don't actually have to do it all that perfectly in the first place. So this time they get their clue, and schlep over to the Pit Stop as Team Number Four. "Were there five on this leg?" Cara asks, and doesn't let herself sigh in relief until Phil tells her there were. Funny, we saw her counting so well during the dancing.
Mark and Michael finish learning the dance, and despite the mocking classical waltz playing on the soundtrack and the laughing of the instructors, they get it done. At least they don't have to suffer the indignity of Phil appearing on the dance floor to them and eyebrowing, "May I cut in?" But when they jog to the Pit Stop, Phil tells them they are the last team to arrive, and have been eliminated. "You guys ran it hard all the way to the end," Phil tells them, which is the nicest he's ever been to them. Looks like their last-minute rehabilitation is underway. Mark says people make mistakes, but it was a great run. And their post-Philimination interview, in which Mark says he wouldn't have done the Race with anyone else (no comment on whether Michael feels the same way) is laced with slow-motion replays of the Stuntmen's greatest hits. Leaning their heads out the window of the train in Switzerland, Mark running in his underwear in Novosibirsk, Mark pulling Michael on the rickshaw through Phuket. Interesting how even in this video eulogy, they couldn't avoid including an example of them accidentally cheating. Michael says the race has humbled him a little bit, which is something you wouldn't catch Mark saying, and over clips of them singing in the karaoke van in Bangkok, he says, "I always need to come back to the right size that I am, and it's shown me places and people that I wouldn't otherwise experience." Like Mark's cheese rack coming apart on that Swiss hill. Even funnier in slo-mo. "This world's an amazing place," Michael concludes in a solo interview. If their farewell clip package was designed to make us sorry they're gone, keeping Mark's participation in it to a minimum was probably the way to go.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com