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From Bucharest, the teams scatter throughout Europe before converging in Moscow and proceeding to Siberia. A Detour requires them to either stack walls of firewood or assemble wooden shutters. Kisha and Jen take an early lead, while Stuntmen Mark and Michael suffer such a serious setback on the former task that they're further behind than when they started. Then when they switch tasks, they end up getting lost. The second wave of teams at the wood-stacking task suffers an epidemic of collapsing, and Mel|Mike and Amanda|Kris follow in the Stuntmen's meandering footsteps. This season adds the "Blind U-Turn," which allows one team to screw a team behind them -- but without giving themselves away as the ones who did it. Which is what Margie and Luke do to Kris and Amanda. The Road Block requires Racers to not only ride a bobsled, but also collect letters, unscramble them, and, ideally, to have heard of Anton Chekhov. ["It is depressing that the last part of that was the most difficult challenge for people." -- Angel] An all-female race to the Pit Stop has the Flight Attendants winning their first leg, with Kisha and Jen in second. Amanda and Kris never do recover from being U-Turned, and get Philiminated even though the seventh-place Stuntmen don't have enough cash to pay their cabbie at the Pit Stop. Well, if you U-Turn someone, I guess it's a lot less awkward to be rid of them as a result.
Who will win this season? Check out our predictions. Come back later in the week for M. Giant's full detailed episode recap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!After a re-edited title sequence (no more Jennifer licking her teeth in close-up!), Phil welcomes us back to Romania, and flogs the Transylvanian connection to the story of Dracula some more before welcoming us back to Vila Panoramic, the third Pit Stop. Mel and Mike arrived at 10:49 a.m., which is earlier than I suspected, and so are leaving at 10:49 p.m. "Flying to Siberia," Mike reads from their clue. Phil tells us that everyone has to fly to Moscow and thence to the Siberian city of Krasnoyarsk. From there, they need to head to what's shown on the ten-ruble note, which is "the Soviet-era Krasnoyarsk hydroelectric dam." Dude, how convenient is that? They're so lucky they didn't have to go find what was shown on the U.S. nickel. In other news, my mind is somewhat blown that spell-check recognizes "Krasnoyarsk."
As the Whites climb into a taxi and commence some polyglot banter with their driver, Mike interviews, "My dad is part Woody Allen, part Billy Graham, and a splash of Judy Garland. So I feel like with all of those qualities, somehow we're going to survive this race." Has anyone ever been killed on the race? I'm just asking.
Amanda and Kris are leaving four minutes behind, at 10:53. They cannot pronounce "Krasnoyarsk." Kris interviews that because they're so young and competitive and have been together so long, they're going to win. Barring anything unforeseen, of course.
Kisha and Jen are out of there at 10:55, which is even closer behind. "Oh, my ass hurts," one of them says as they run for the taxis. In the recurring "what do you know about your destination" segment, Kisha ventures, "I know that's where they have Siberian tigers."
Margie and Luke are leaving in fourth, at 11:06. "Sound effects," Margie comments as Luke makes his own clue-ripping noise. Margie solo-interviews that Luke's living his dream. "When we are in a competition and it's shoulder-to-shoulder with other teams, he is going to absolutely gun it." But what will he do if another team is not shoulder-to-shoulder with him, but far behind, and he has a chance to screw them over? What happens then?
I know "Krasnoyarsk" is hard to pronounce on first sight, but as he and Michael leave at 11:07, Mark is struggling with "Siberia."
Right behind them at 11:08 are the Flight Attendants, Christie and Jodi, and as they get into their cab, Jodi talks about the importance of research. The cabbie offers to find them an internet café, and thus becomes their "new favorite cab driver." Well, that was easy.
Jaime and Cara, Team Go Team, are in a relatively distant seventh at 11:29. One of them has her hair in a braid right now, but until she's addressed by name, that doesn't help me at all. Looking at the ten-ruble note, the other one says, "Pretty powerful beavers made that dam. They must be females!" Yes, way to remember just in time that your theme for the week is grrrl powrrr.
In the Stuntmen's cab, they ask to borrow their driver's cell phone, as Mark boasts about what a great tool this is that they've discovered. He leaves out the part where they "discovered" it by being one of two teams who failed to do it in the second leg, and thus ended up nearly being Philiminated. Mark says, "Hello" into the phone that their driver apparently already dialed. Meanwhile, in Team Go Team's cab, that driver gets a call on his cell phone and hands it into the back seat, all, "It's for you." Yes, it's Mark, who thinks he's calling Lufthansa. The cheerleader without the braid plays along, pretty unconvincingly, but still convincingly enough to fool Mark. "It's an American," Mark remarks curiously to Michael. Jaime and Cara are both giggling along to the nutty mouth harp playing on the soundtrack. I bet the Amazing Musical Score Guy is glad to have found a use for that recording even after Steve and Linda's departure. After pretending to only have business-class seats on a flight through Frankfurt, the cheerleader hangs up. "That was so mean I can't even believe I did it," she giggles. No, that wasn't mean. Mean would have been booking them.
Tammy and Victor are leaving at one-freaking-thirty in the morning, a full two hours behind Team Go Team. That was one hell of a hike they took. Those two are so lucky that Brad and Victoria got blown up so spectacularly. In the cab, Tammy admits that it was hard to go from first to last, while to her, Victor just blinks to her. I'm sure it was hard, but Victor managed to pull it off.
The Flight Attendants arrive at the internet café and run inside, as Jodi VOs that their flight attendant experience has taught them that there are always multiple ways to reach a destination. Gosh, it just doesn't seem fair that they have access to such arcane knowledge. Searching for connections to Moscow, they rule out one 65-minute connection as too tight. They settle instead on an Istanbul transfer with a nice, safe, three-hour layover that will still get them to Krasnoyarsk at 5:40 a.m.
"I will become an ice cube," Mel predicts as he and Mike taxi to the airport. They end up at the Tarom Airlines counter with Amanda and Kris behind them. Kisha|Jen and Mark|Michael are in a similar configuration at Lufthansa. And somehow, at Air France, Tammy and Victor have caught up with the Margie|Luke and Team Go Team alliance. I honestly have no idea how that happened, unless Team Family Law's departure time had a "1" dropped from in front of it. Everyone gets flights to Moscow easily enough, through Frankfurt, Sofia, and Munich, respectively. Mel explains afterward, "The flight to Moscow and beyond is a turkey shoot. Because from here, we can catchall kinds of flights connecting through all kinds of European cities to get to Moscow. And it looks like a bunch of teams are ending up on that same flight with the 5:40 a.m. arrival time. "In the end," Mike analyzes, "if there's only one flight from Moscow to Kraznosterak...? It doesn't really matter what connections we make as long as we get on that flight." I did like Mike's pause during that little speech, like he was literally thinking, "Fine, go ahead, [sic] me."
From Bucharest, it's a veritable blossom of Amazing Red, Blue, Purple and -- there it is! -- Yellow Lines, which scatter across Europe from Frankfurt to Istanbul and then reconverge on Moscow. From there, the Amazing Yellow Line makes its triumphant return, carrying the ball all the way to Krasnoyarsk at 5:40 a.m. It looks tanned and rested.
The first three teams get cabs at the airport: Mark|Michael, Kisha|Jen, and the Flight Attendants. "Everybody else actually got stuck back at the other airport," Mark says, which doesn't really explain anything. But we catch up with the other five teams, who are still in Moscow as a result of having failed to make the connection to Krasnoyarsk and are now waiting for the flight. In other words, only the Lufthansa flight through Frankfurt and the Flight Attendants' connection through Istanbul arrived in Moscow on time, so clearly the Flight Attendants knew what they were doing. The Stuntmen arrive at the dam first, an impressive structure lighting up the predawn darkness. But when they get to the front door, they find that it doesn't open until 8:30. "We didn't have to really be in such a big hurry," Michael laments. The Flight Attendants arrive , and look pissed, and the eastern sky is lightening as Kisha and Jen arrive in third place.
After the sun rises the morning, the Flight Attendants gaze at the gigantic portrait of Lenin on the side of the building and speculate on who he might be. "Is he the one that built it?" Christie asks. "He's a bad, like, a dictator guy," Jodi "corrects." Is ignorance of Russia, like, a requirement to be on this show?
When the doors open, the guard will only let them in two by two. The Stuntmen, in the lead for once, read their Route Info clue, which is sending them to the Church of Saint Innokenty for their clue. So I think the whole point of the dam was to create an operating-hours bunch (which didn't really work), and then to give us a chance to watch the teams struggling to pronounce the name of the church and the village that is its home. ["And for teams to show their lack of knowledge of Russian rulers." -- Angel] They do not disappoint in that regard. The Stuntmen are still in the lead when they find the clue box outside the church, and open it to find a Detour.
And here's Phil, in a black parka as he says this is about "two things the locals use to protect themselves from the bitter Siberian winters." But they've already bought plane tickets this leg? Oh, never mind. In "Stack," teams have to go to the riverbank and stack firewood. But this is no ordinary stack: they have to basically erect a rectangular log wall six feet high and twelve feet long, with nothing to use as "bookends" except the very logs that they're stacking. Then a "local expert" will give them their clue. The other option is "Construct," in which teams walk to a work shed, where they'll find the pieces needed to assemble a set of wood shutters. Really, Siberia? Really?Wooden shutters are what get you through the winter? Because I'm telling you, here in Minnesota we swear by that plastic shrink-wrap stuff you stick to the inside of the windows, and not just because it's made here. You should look into that. Anyway, once the shutters (pshh) have been completed, the teams must then carry them to a house that has a sign on the fence in front that reads "REPAIRS NEEDED," in both English and Russian. And there's also a little Amazing Flag to the sign, just to make it harder to miss. They'll get their clue when they finish installing the new shutters on the front of the house. Suckers. They should hold out for weather-stripping, at least.
Mark and Michael go with "Stack." "I actually stack wood at home all the time," Mark says, "so I thought it was going to be maybe a better choice than putting something together." Did Mark just admit that he might not be so great at something? I mean, he did it in the context of claiming to be way better at something else, but I'm taking it. The Flight Attendants and Kisha|Jen follow their lead. They actually find the place for stacking first, while the Stuntmen take a wrong turn. One of them even takes a header on the icy sidewalk. Apparently running isn't as simple as they might have once claimed.
The Flight Attendants make their way down a wooden gangplank to the bank of the unfrozen river, where there is apparently some kind of party already in progress. There's accordion music and singing, and a drunken red-haired lady who blares, "America, I love you!" I suspect that America, in the form of The Amazing Race producers, sponsored this little party on the riverbank. I'd also say it's a little early to be two-fisting like she is, but it's Siberia, so I can't judge. I mean, my weather isn't much better, but at least we have skyways. Christie and Jodi discover eight neat, giant stacks of firewood, all lined up along the bank. These are what they'll have to replicate, using the chaotic piles of logs dumped in front of each one. They get right to work, deciding to start at the ends and meet in the middle. Jodi warns Christie against starting their stack too close to the model, lest it fall down and knock over their example. Jen and Kisha arrive shortly thereafter. "It's like Jenga," Jen says, which is going to prove all too accurate for too many teams. Kisha starts sorting the pieces by shape, i.e. the ones with rectangular cross-sections as opposed to triangular. "This is a lot of freaking wood," Jen observes. Two sharp observations in a row.
Mark and Michael finally arrive, the other teams commenting about how they get lost a lot. Mark analyzes the structure. Basically, the ends consist of support columns with the logs stacked in crisscrossed towers that are designed to create enough stability hold the middle logs between them. The teams are all working, and Jen is trying to get Kisha to hand her a piece of wood. "Not that big! Not that big!" How is Kisha the annoying one, now? Meanwhile, Michael points out how Mark is doing it wrong, apparently starting to build support columns all the way into the middle. "Oh, that's right. The other way would have been easier," Mark chuckles. I also notice that they're building their wall dangerously close to the model wall, just like the Flight Attendants didn't.
The last group of teams has finally arrived at the Krasnoyarsk airport, and they race for taxis. En route to the dam, Margie says, "Five teams are fighting for the final four places. One team is going to be eliminated, we think." Not that she'll have anything to do with it.
Meanwhile, the stacking party is still going on, and the drunk Siberian redhead is getting drunker. Mark warns Michael that his tower is getting too tall without any mutual support from any middle logs, and sure enough, it topples -- into the model wall, bringing down half of it along with theirs. "Ohhh, that sucks," both other teams say, independently of one another. So now the Stuntmen have two stacks to build.
A post-ad replay later, Mark makes the executive decision to switch Detour options. "Mark and Mike just got beat by girls," Jodi says. As the Stuntmen head back up to the village, they agree that fixing it would have meant another two hours minimum. The two remaining teams try to hurry to beat each other, and I'm sure this Siberian town thanks Mark and Michael for coming in and vandalizing part of their heat supply for the impending winter.
In the cab ride to the dam, Amanda and Kris's taxi passes Margie and Luke's. Margie says that Amanda and Kris would beat easily them in a footrace, and as they reach the clue box, that's what happens. Well, actually, they might just be beating Margie, but that still counts. Mel and Mike are right behind those two teams, getting their clue in sixth. Team Go Team arrives just in time to see Kris and Amanda returning from the clue box, with Victor and Tammy getting there last as Luke and Margie leave. Victor rushes Tammy along, telling her, "You can do this!" To his credit, he does not appear to be leading her to Mongolia.
In the village, a dog freaks out on Mark. "Mark, leave the dog alone," Michael says, like Mark started it. By the way, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that was a Siberian Husky. They find the workshop, staffed by a cadaverous John Cleese lookalike seated at a lathe, who nods at them in greeting. They pick up their shutter segments and take them outside, then decide that it might be less labor-intensive to find where they need to go before assembling them. They begin to wander down the long, narrow street. "This is going to take all day," Mark says. Kind of early for that attitude. Plenty of time for that later, believe me.
Kisha and Jen, the taller of the two teams stacking wood, get finished first by a narrow margin. A dude in a fur hat the size of a microwave gives them their clue, which is sending them to the museum of the novel, "The Last Bow," which fortunately is right there in town. Oh, and caution: U-Turn ahead.
Phil's back, but now he's here to tell us what's new about U-Turns this season. As a pair of Amazing Hands shuffles through the team photos in the U-Turn box, he explains that U-Turns show up at the end of a Detour, and allow one team to force another team behind them to go back and complete the other Detour option. But in a new twist, this is what's known as a Blind U-Turn. "Previously, when teams forced another team to U-Turn, they had to post their own picture and be known as the perpetrators. Now, they can remain anonymous." That's quite an evil smirk you're sporting there, Phil. Plus, how anonymous can you really be when there's a TV camera pointed at you?
As Jen and Kisha head to the clue box, a different local gets his flirt on with the Flight Attendants, who have also finished. "You...cute girl...the best," he says. He gets hugs from them, and reads their clue over their shoulders with his arms around them. Like he knows what U-Turn means.
Kisha and Jen opt not to U-Turn. As Jen says, there are five teams on a later flight, so they're not in any danger. They proceed to the clue box, where a Route Info clue sends them to Bobrovy Log Park. This not an amusement park for logs, as one might expect in Siberia, but one for people. Kisha and Jen are in their cab a few minutes ahead of the Flight Attendants, who have also decided not to U-Turn anyone. "Sweet, bobsledding!" Christie says. I think we know who's doing this Road Block.
Amanda and Kris reach the Detour clue , and opt for "Stack," as do Mel and Mike, Margie|Luke, and Tammy|Victor. Everyone else, in other words. Once they get down to the riverbank, they discover that party or no, this is not a task to be taken lightly. And in fact, the redheaded Siberian is nowhere in sight, so we can safely assume that she passed out and was carried off. "America...(heave), I love (heave) you!" she's currently telling a toilet. "This is a bitch," Mike says. "How are we going to blow past Mike and Mel?" ask the cheerleaders as they arrive last. Ladies, there are three other teams down there. Why assume the Whites will be the weak links?
Kisha and Jen arrive at the Road Block, which is a rail bobsledding course. But this isn't one of those simple "Racer vs. Physics" tasks; in addition to riding the three-mile course at up to 55-miles per hour, they have to do it in four minutes or less, plus they have to find seven letters (C, E, K, V, C, H, O) that are posted along the course. Then they'll have to unscramble the letters to reveal the name of a famous Russian playwright. So when you see those letters, you either know it's Chekhov or you don't, the Amazing Editors' blunder in showing two Cs instead of two Hs notwithstanding. And then they'll get their clue.
"Lord protect me," Kisha says as she jogs over to be strapped into the bobsled. She's still waiting to be launched when the Flight Attendants arrive, and Jodi tells Christi to do this one. Kisha gets started down the course, having a great time. She spots COHKEH, but misses the final V. She completes the course with five seconds to spare, but only got six letters. Time to head back for another try, as Jen makes a pouty bitchface. It kind of looks like the Lord will need to protect Kisha from her sister more than from the bobsled ride.
Meanwhile, back at the Detour, Mel and Mike are making good progress. "Be careful of that, dad, it's totally jiggling," Mike warns of one of their support columns. At least I hope that's what he's talking about. Tammy and Victor are trying to ignore how other teams are doing. Amanda tells Kris not to lean on the woodpile, and decides on a new division of labor wherein she hands him logs and he stacks. The cheerleaders notice this, and get kind of judgmental about it, even making comments to Margie. "No surprise that down there, Kris is stacking while she gives direction." Well, Kris is like a foot taller. Team Go Team interviews about how much they love Luke and Margie, and appreciate them. "Girls rule, boys drool," one of them says at the task. Yes, grrl powrrr, you bet, absolutely. But less talking and more doing, please.
Back in the village, Mark and Michael are still wandering around. "It says a house nearby. This isn't nearby," Michael says. So they decide to go back. You never know, they might spot the right house on the return walk. They might also transfigure into the wooden shutters themselves.
Christie has started the bobsled course, and is riding the brake a bit. At the end of the course, Jodi comments to Jen that she's not looking good on time. But she not only comes in at four minutes flat, she's got all seven letters. The way it works is that at the end of the course, a guide hands them a little whiteboard and a marker to write down the letters they saw, and if they get them right, they get to move on to the unscrambling field, which is just up the hill from the end of the bobsled course. That's what Christie now does, while Kisha begins her second run. Christie finds herself a little stack of seven letters on wooden plaques. She'll need to slot them into a standing column so they'll spell "Chekhov," but Russian playwrights turn out to not be Christie's strong suit. "There's no way to guess, I have no clue!" she complains to Jodi, who's waiting for her at the bottom of the hill, and couldn't help if she wanted to. Well, staring at her partner instead of the letters isn't going to get her anywhere.
Down at the riverbank, Amanda is showing Kris a weak point in their stack by rocking it back and forth. That doesn't seem wise. Everyone else is doing their best, when disaster strikes: Mike touches his right support column, and the whole wall totters. Mel comes to help him hold it up, but the entire structure comes down domino-style, starting at the far end and not stopping until Mike is left holding up his lone support column. Meanwhile, the cheerleader who's not currently wearing a ponytail is trying to jam a loose log somewhere into the middle of the stack. "Cara, no!" Jaime yells, just as the force causes their left support column to come down, eating a relatively small chunk out of their wall. But the good news is that at least I know which of them is which until one of them changes her hair again. Kris and Amanda are almost completely done when their left support column topples away. When the commercial break comes, it's like a Jacobean tragedy in here all of a sudden; corpses scattered everywhere.
After a three-way replay of the triple collapse, the Whites decide to abandon this task while Amanda and Kris consider doing the same. But Team Go Team, having suffered relatively minimal damage, decides to stick it out. Also, they're completely intimidated by the thought of building and installing shutters. Hey, what happened to "Girls rule?"
Mark and Michael have decided to abandon the search for the house for now and return to the construction part, just to get their minds off it. Solid strategy, except that putting the pieces together looks to be a little tricky as well.
Kisha, on her second run, gets all seven letters, and now she's tied with Christie, in the sense that both of them are equally clueless. "I don't know nuttin' about no Russian," Kisha literally says. Trust me, I never would have made that joke on my own.
Margie and Luke are the to finish their woodpile. Seeing this, Amanda and Kris decide to bail on this Detour. Tammy and Victor finish shortly thereafter, and as they head for the museum, he says, "Let's just pray we're not U-Turned." Because when he ends up on a time-wasting delay, he wants it to have been his idea.
Margie and Luke are discussing that very thing at the U-Turn box. And they decide to U-Turn Kris and Amanda. "Part of the game," Luke says as Margie peels the backing off Kris and Amanda's photo. "Kris and Amanda, we're sorry," she says. "We love you guys, but..." "They're strong," Luke finishes. Off they go to the bobsled, and they give a post-leg interview in which they say they wanted to give Jaime and Cara more time. "We didn't want them to be eliminated," Luke signs. Which strikes me as a bit self-serving. I mean, if the rules of the game allow you to screw someone and you do it, that's fine. Nobody's cheating here. But don't act like you're doing it for another team, because you know who's responsible for Jaime and Cara? That's right, Jaime and Cara.
Team Family Law arrives at the U-Turn sign, and they feel bad about seeing another team's photo up there, but not too bad. "To be honest, Kris is so fast, we've all been viewing him as a threat." They're out of there in fourth place, thanking God it wasn't them and attributing the stability of their wall to "Asian engineering." Which, they are of Asian descent, and they're in Siberia, and they used a Siberian stacking technique, so either way that statement is technically correct.
Back at the bobsled course, Kisha is using a bit of trial and error and some basic knowledge of Russian names to try "Khochev" before coming up with the correct "Chekhov." "What the hell is it that Christie doesn't know?" Jodi wonders. I'm sure she didn't mean that Kisha shouldn't have known anything that Christie doesn't. Kisha and Jen get their clue, and they're headed to the Pit Stop. This week, their destination is "the theater of musical comedy," according to Phil. Or, according to the chyron, simply the "Krasnoyarsk Theater." Isn't Siberia supposed to be a vast wasteland of nothingness, as opposed to this culture-rich region with museums and amusement parks and theaters thick on the ground? I guess we're all learning something tonight. As Phil shares the stage with dancers whirling around him, he warns that the last team to check in may be eliminated. And it probably won't be Kisha and Jen, who are out of there in first place.
Finally Christie makes what appears to be a blind guess, and gets it right. The Flight Attendants are on their way to the Pit Stop. "Boys aren't even here yet," Jodi says. In the taxi, Christie laughs ruefully, "I wanted to look brilliant. And I didn't." No, but even shuffling the letters around would have made her look smarter than standing there helplessly.
Mark and Michael are wandering the town with their shutters when they encounter, much to their relief, Mel and Mike. So they decide to join up, offering to help them put their shutters together in exchange for help searching for the house where they're going to go. I would say that Mark and Michael aren't getting the best of this agreement, but their chances of finding the right house on their own aren't great.
Tammy and Victor approach the bobsled park at the same time as Margie and Luke, passing them in the cab on final approach. Victor and Luke are taking this, respectively. Apparently there are two courses, because they seem to be doing them at the same time -- Victor reminding himself, "Look for letters," while Luke does a happy little chair-dance on his bobsled cart.
Amanda and Kris arrive at the work shed to join the shutter workforce, which will eventually become a search party.
Kisha and Jen spot the theater through the windshield of their cab and recall that the clue instructs them to enter through the main entrance. "I don't know, homey," Kisha says as they go in through an entrance that doesn't look very main at all. Jodi's reading the same clue, and as they get out of their taxi, Kisha|Jen are figuring out that they entered through the stage door. The theater appears to be part of some larger complex, and while the sisters are still bumbling around, the Flight Attendants get a receptionist to direct them to the main entrance. That leads them into the auditorium and down the center aisle to the stage, which they mount to jump on to the mat. Every performer onstage welcomes them in unison and in Russian (I assume). Phil enjoys telling them, "You are team number...one!" They scream and Christie says, "No way!" "Yes way," Phil assures them dorkily. Their prize? A pair of 650 motorcycles, which they're thrilled about. Christie interviews that they're trying not to get too overconfident, since they've been in the lead before. "But we feel pretty good about being in first!" Might as well enjoy it.
They're still on the mat when Kisha and Jen come scampering up, and they don't seem too annoyed at having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. That's got to hurt, though, being in the lead for most of the leg until you lose as a result of taking the wrong door.
Victor finishes his course on time and with a complete set of letters. "Once I saw the letters n the ground, Chekhov instantly came out, because, you know, who doesn't know who Chekhov is?" There's a way to say that without sounding like a tool, and I think Victor... missed it. I mean, I know who Chekhov is -- one of my first dates with Trash was the first act of The Three Sisters -- but I'd be more likely to say something like, "I was glad it was Chekhov, because he's the only Russian playwright I know." Which would also be true. While he's doing that, Tammy and Margie enjoy watching Luke roll down the course, vocalizing the whole way. Victor and Tammy wish Margie good luck as they take off in third place.
Luke finishes the course with two seconds to spare. "Yes! Yes!" Margie shrieks. Then he hands over his white board, with all seven letters correct. "Yes! YES!" Margie shrieks again. Don't take this the wrong way, but was Luke always deaf? I'm just asking. He runs up the hill to where the letters are waiting for him in a stack, and he interviews while Margie translates, "I had never had any Russian... literature classes. I don't know who he was. I didn't have any idea." On the hill, he asks, "Why couldn't it be in English?" Well, it kind of is, Luke. Be glad you don't have Cyrillic letters staring up at you. He commences what will be a long process of trial and error, his first guess being "Coehkvh." Nyet, of course. Margie is more worried about Luke getting frustrated with himself than anything else. He needs to relax. There are only, like, 480 possible combinations, after all.
Mel and Mike finish assembling their shutters, unlike Amanda and Kris, who decide to take their half-finished shutters outside with them in pieces to join in on the search.
And Luke continues to be frustrated with the letter unscrambling. "Who's a Russian author?" he wonders. Well, I think we can eliminate Dostoevsky.
Mark and Michael have hit on the idea of using their ladder to carry their shutters between them, which is the one smart thing they've done this whole leg. Mark tells the Whites where they've already searched in vain, and Mel tells them all they can do is search the street again. "And this time...peel those eyeballs!" This last in such an unintelligible falsetto that it calls for subtitles. That must have been a "splash of Judy Garland" moment.
Jaime and Cara are down to five logs to stack, and Luke is just discovering that there is no Russian playwright named Hockevh. Yeah, Hockevh was a Ukrainian playwright. Totally different dude. "He's done it three times and gotten it wrong all three," Margie says. Really? Even the second time? "English is a second language for him," she explains. "English literature was difficult enough. I don't think he knows what they're asking, to tell you the truth." Oh, I think he gets it; he just doesn't know what the answer is, and it's frustrating the hell out of him.
The cheerleaders finish up their wall, "With no help from boys!" one of them crows. Well, one boy did say he was helping you. You just don't know it yet.
The three teams doing "Construct" are still wandering the one street. "It was like a caravan of idiots, holding their ladders with all their stuff in it," Mike says.
Luke continues to get frustrated, letting out a mighty, "Daaaah!" Or else he's using The Secret to try and conjure an affirmative answer in Russian. A fourth attempt gets him nowhere, and he wears the expression of someone who has been gutshot.
After the ads, Margie tells him to keep trying. She's starting to get nervous that another team will show up. She couldn't help him even if she wanted to; she has to wait at the bottom of the hill and the tower and the letters are facing away from her, so she can't see them. Plus someone on production might get suspicious if they saw her fingerspelling at him.
Jaime and Cara are "Currently in 5th place" as they read their clue, get in their cab, and thank whoever U-Turned Amanda and Kris. Not that the U-Turn has come into play yet. As Team Go Team rides out of town, they spot a few cabs still waiting, which they take as a good sign. For them.
"How can four smart guys and the rest of us not be able to figure this out?" Mel laments. And then the camera pans from where he's conferring with the other Racers on a street corner, to the very fence with the "Repairs Needed" sign attached to it. In other frustration news, Luke has busted out his pen and paper to try to work this out. Back in the village, Mel says, "I'm suspicious." Has someone finally noticed in real time that an Amazing Camera is doing some ironic panning? Mike suddenly leads everyone back in the right direction, and Mel breaks into a run when he spots the sign. "Oh, fuck," he says (I think), and then calls out to everyone, "It's here!" They all load their shutters into he yard, uniformly disgusted with themselves. And rightfully so. But especially Mark and Michael.
Luke makes another attempt, asking Margie, "Have other teams arrived?" She tells him not to worry about that. And he's gotten it right anyway. He hugs the guide lady and they get their Pit Stop clue in fourth place. In the parking lot, they encounter Team Go Team, whom they give directions up the hill to the bobsled course. In the taxi, Luke tearfully tells his mother that he's happy to have gotten through that leg. "It was very hard." Margie says she thinks they're fourth, and that she's proud of him. Aw.
Jaime's taking this for the cheerleaders, on the grounds that she's a good reader. Off she goes down the bobsled course, and we're back into a brief period where I know which of them is whom.
Mike and Mel finish installing their shutters first, and a lovely woman in elaborate traditional garb emerges from the decrepit little house to give them their clue. Mark and Michael are right behind them, and Amanda and Kris are left behind in last. "Oh, crap, they've already been U-Turned!" Mike says when he spots the sign at the museum. On their way to their cab, they update the arriving Stuntmen, who agree, "That sucks." In the cab, with his hair looking like Earl Hickey's, Mike says Kris and Amanda will have to redo the log task, "And I think that'll just crush 'em." Especially given that they're already in last place. Sure enough, they're not happy to see their faces on the U-Turn sign. "Shady," Amanda says. "Shady, shady," Kris corrects. So it's back to the woodpile for them. "What conniving people," Amanda says as they go back down the gangplank. "We have been nothing but so nice to everyone." I know they're upset, but you know who else got screwed? That lovely owner of that crappy little house, which needed eight sets of shutters and only got three. She's going to have a long, cold winter.
Tammy and Victor are team number three. That was quite a recovery.
On the bobsled, Jaime repeats the letters to herself using the military alphabet: "Charlie, Kilo, Victor, Oscar, Echo, Charlie..." That was so unexpected that for a second I forgot that she's not a Flight Attendant. Between that and the fingerspelling, maybe she's some kind of alphabet savant. We've seen stranger things. According to the clock in the corner of the screen counting down her final seconds, she comes in just in time. But once she has her letters, she's stressing out about how she doesn't know any Russian playwrights. Cara's like, don't sweat it, and in fact Jaime gets it on the very first try. She's so shocked and happy she literally falls down. Off they go in fifth, very happy indeed.
The Whites and the Stuntmen arrive at the bobsled course at nearly the same time. Michael's taking it. Margie and Luke jump onto the mat at the theater, and are happy to hear that they' re team number four.
Michael finishes the bobsled course in only 3:38, but he only got six of the seven letters, so he has to go around again. In the long run, he didn't save any time at all. Maybe a little more fear this time. Meanwhile, Mel gets started down the course. Presumably the ride isn't too groin-intensive. I can't believe I just said that.
Jaime and Cara are totally stoked to learn that they're team number five. That won't be such good news in a few weeks, girls.
Kris and Amanda finish reconstructing their woodpile, and the guide demands a kiss from Amanda before handing over their clue. Dude, Siberians are leches. Now, as the party on the riverbank finally breaks up, they head back to the museum to get their clue, and get back in their taxi, officially in last place. As they ride to the task, Kris narrates, "It's a blind U-Turn, but we have a pretty good feeling that it was Jen and Kisha. They were the ones on the first flight, so it only makes sense that it was them." Which is odd, because that was the same reason Jen and Kisha have for not U-Turning anyone. "Or the blondes," Amanda points out, who are "not trustworthy, either." I'm not clear on why that is, aside from the obvious fact that you should never trust people who bring rolling suitcases on The Amazing Race. Kris is sure that Mel and Mike felt bad, and Amanda is sure that Margie and Luke did as well. Ironic evil-B&W shot of Margie and Luke, looking... not eliminated, unlike some teams.
Mel unscrambles his letters without too much trouble, so that's him and Mike out of there in sixth place. I would hope a writer would have been able to pull this off. "Is he still behind me? The little guy?" Mel asks as they run back to the cab. He is. "We're second to last," Mark interviews while waiting for Michael to finish his second run. And in the cab, Mike promos, "Just when you think you're out of this race, something happens and you're back in it." Which, somewhere behind them, is more or less what Kris and Amanda are telling each other.
On his second attempt, Michael shaves two seconds off his time, plus he has all seven letters. The unscrambling isn't much of challenge for him either. "It came to mind right away," he says, and they take off. "We're in seventh place right now, but it is Amazing Race and anything can happen," Mark says in the cab. I think he means they might pass someone, but a more likely interpretation is that there's still hope for Kris and Amanda.
Kris takes the "Who's ready to speed read?" clue.
Mel and Mike slump up on to the stage, in sixth place, totally exhausted.
Kris met the time requirement, and got all of his letters, so now it's a matter of unscrambling. It's coming on sunset on that hillside. "Think of how names are spelled here," Amanda encourages from below. "I have no idea how names are spelled here," he responds. They're not spelled Khechov, that's for sure. But he gets it on the second try, and off they go.
The Stuntmen are still in their taxi to the Pit Stop. When they arrive, the driver asks for his 8,000-ruble fare, but all they have is 5,000. Not sure how that happened, unless they either didn't exchange enough money or simply had him follow them around the Siberian village looking for the right house.
"Definitely don't want to go home now," Kris says in his cab with Amanda. The sky is getting dark out the windows, so the Amazing Editors have their work cutout for them making this a suspenseful finish. But the Stuntmen are doing their best to assist, considering giving the driver a watch rather than stiffing him entirely. By way of declining, the driver displays his own Rolex. According to current exchange rates, the difference between what they have and what they owe is about eighty bucks, so that's not insignificant. They offer him the winter jackets off their small backs, but the driver isn't interested. He'd have to cannibalize them to make one to fit himself. "Still racin'," Kris says, somewhere behind them. "We'll find out if we're eliminated now, huh?" Finally, Mark and Michael's driver accepts what they have -- not like he has a lot of other options -- and they gratefully and respectfully take their leave. Then it's a mad dash into the theater, where they join in the dancing for a bit on the mat before Phil tells them they're team number seven.
And the dancing gets all elegiac and slow-mo as Amanda and Kris finally come in, to a welcome and a round of applause from the dancers. Phil tells them they're the last to arrive, which is a surprise to neither of them. And they are Philiminated. So that's all of the dating and married couples out, one after another. Does this season have it in for the breeders, or what? Of course, it's tough to say whether the U-Turn made a difference, since they had been in last place for a while, but if anyone could have screwed up enough to be overtaken, it obviously would have been the Stuntmen. I guess we'll never know. In their interview, Amanda says the best part of the Race was traveling with Kris. "We've done everything together but travel, and to finally get to do that together has been awesome." Kris adds, "I'm so deeply in love with her, it's ridiculous." Amanda predicts that they'll be together for the rest of their lives. Well, I can't see any reason why not.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com