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The five remaining teams head to Almaty, Kazakhstan via three separate flights, but an enforced full bunch up outside the gates of a chicken factory puts the laggers (Dan and Andrew, obviously) back in the game. While Andrew, Toni, and Tina rummage through live chickens for golden eggs, Nick|Starr and Terence|Sarah race each other to a sheep-ass-eating Fast Forward. Which is going to be tough for Terence, since he's a vegetarian. Maybe he shouldn't have insisted on going for it, then. He ends up bailing, allowing Nick and Starr to zoom ahead to their fifth win.
Meanwhile, the other three teams face a Detour where they have to either busk for tips or wander the streets in a cow costume (everyone chooses the latter). And Ken and Tina seem to have taken over Kelly and Christy's role as designated non-clue readers, which allows Toni and Dallas to pull ahead and come in second again, while the separated couple land firmly in the middle of the pack. The Frat Boys get lost, abandon their shoes, fall to sniping at each other about how fast they should walk, and take an illegal cab ride that they have to return and then walk back to the Pit Stop from. But they still check in ahead of Terence and Sarah, who wind up getting Philiminated. How are the Frat Boys lasting this long? I've never seen a team circle the drain so many times without its orbit decaying.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hey, remember Delhi? Phil does. "Founded more than 2200 years ago," he informs us, "it is now one of the most populated cities in the world." We're at Pit Stop number seven, Humayun's Tomb. Phil asks us, "Having claimed four first place finishes, can anyone stop Nick and Starr?" Can anyone edit that line? The object and the subject are all janked up. Anyway, because Nick and Starr arrived at the Pit Stop at 10:14 a.m., they're leaving the Pit Stop twelve hours later, at 10:14 p.m. I'd just like to pause and recall that Nick and Starr began their leg at 8:55 the morning, which means they finished the entire thing in under an hour and twenty minutes. I've had showers that took longer than that. But two legs will do it for India this season, so now the teams will all have to fly one thousand miles to Almaty, Kazakhstan. After they land, they'll take taxis to a certain chicken factory to find their clue. And they're getting $403 for this leg, so that doesn't sound like a very short taxi ride. Nick interviews that every week he gets more pessimistic at the start of a leg: "I just keep waiting for our luck to run out [or] some other team to zoom in front of us and blow us out of the water." But for now, they're off to the hotel to do some computer research.
Toni and Dallas are leaving ten minutes behind them, at 10:24. As they walk to the hotel, Dallas admits, "The only thing I know about Kazakhstan is Borat." "And we're not going to mention that to anybody," Toni says firmly. In an interview, she says that they've been "under the radar," which she sees as an advantage. Yet as they arrive at the hotel business center, Starr's radar goes off quite visibly. While uniformed concierges help Toni and Nick search for flights, their partners sit behind them flirting, to the accompaniment of romantic piano music. Starr asks Dallas if he's shy, and he denies it. "You didn't make any eye contact with me in L.A., though. I tried so hard!" Starr points out. "I was on the race," Dallas explains. That's a better answer than saying he was staring at the Southern Belles instead. Toni breaks up the little party by reporting what she's found: a Lufthansa flight that transfers in Frankfurt -- that's Frankfurt, Germany, several time zones ahead of where they're going -- and lands back in Kazakhstan at 11:50 p.m., presumably the following evening. They can reserve their seats from here at the hotel, but they need to go to the airport to actually buy the tickets. So that's where they're off to, in their separate cabs. Dallas remarks that he wants to help Starr, but he also wants to win a million dollars. "If I win a million at least I'll be able to pay for dinner." Good point. Tell her that and maybe she'll convince Nick to hang back.
I don't really believe that both teams got in and out of there in less than a half hour, but we're just now seeing Terence and Sarah leaving the Pit Stop at 10:43. Terence has not bothered to do anything with his hair this leg, or else he has and the high winds have fucked it all up for him. Well-played, high winds. Sarah says she's thrilled to be going to Kazakhstan, probably so she can learn another language in the airport there ten seconds after they arrive. In the back of their cab to the Delhi airport, their driver grins at us as Terence stresses out about all the papers he's carrying. Indeed, he looks like he's doing his taxes back there or something. Sarah would really like him to calm him down a bit, and he asks her not to spoil her pleasant, relaxed mood. Like waving a red cape, Sarah.
Ken and Tina leave over an hour later at 11:48 p.m., and Tina says that they've been communicating better over the last couple of legs. "If it all comes together, there's no team that can beat us." As an example of their communications skills, they take the time to make sure their driver is taking them to the right airport.
The Siblings and Toni/Dallas arrive at the airport at roughly the same time, hoping their Lufthansa reservations will put them ahead of the other teams.
At 12:00 a.m., Andrew and Dan show off their "Last to depart" subtitle, which is starting to get a little worn around the corners from overuse. "Kazakhstan, baby, Borat!" Dan crows predictably. Andrew interviews that the teams that are left are heavy hitters. However, "Teams should not be counting us out. We're still here." "Nothing's ever final until you get on that plane," Dan philosophizes in their cab. I would have more respect for them if they just accepted reality and openly embraced the strategy that has gotten them this far: being on the race with one other team who screws up even worse than they do.Terence/Sarah arrive at the airport without reservations, and at the first ticket counter they find, they are told they can expect to arrive at "1:20 in the night," although there are only two tickets available on that flight. Does that mean their camera and sound guys would have to take a rickshaw to Kazakhstan?
Ken and Tina arrive at the Delhi airport, and run into trouble as soon as they get out of their cab: "Our bag broke," Ken reports, picking stuff up from the drop-off lane and putting it back into the remains of what looks like a brown paper grocery sack that he's carrying along with his backpack. No idea what he's doing with that. They spot Nick/Starr and Toni/Dallas inside the terminal and go to join them. Meanwhile, Terence/Sarah's ticket agent has told them about the Lufthansa flight through Frankfurt that the lead teams are on, so they head over to the Lufthansa counter, only to find three teams there in line ahead of them. Toni notices Ken and Tina in the line behind them and offers a "good for them," which Nick jokingly disagrees with, patting her on the arm. I guess we can assume that the Siblings' alliance with "Mom and Dad" has come to an end. Ken/Tina and Terence/Sarah end up at separate counters at the same time, in what is essentially a race between which agent can lock up the last few seats faster, a race that Ken and Tina's agent wins. "Now we're trying other options," Terence tells us just before we see the plane subtitled "First Flight to Almaty" lifting off into the night.
Andrew and Dan arrive at the terminal, and Andrew is amazed at how busy the airport is, even after midnight. Like it stops being Delhi after a certain hour. Terence and Sarah seem to be getting on a flight that transfers in Moscow and lands at 1:20 a.m., exactly an hour and a half after the lead flight. Andrew and Dan are trying to get on the same flight at the same time, but this time it's Terence and Sarah who win that race. "We'll just have to make up an hour and a half after the other teams," Sarah shrugs as she and Terence walk down the jetway to the "2nd flight to Almaty. She is correct, but not in the way she thinks. Andrew and Dan get on an Emirates flight that Dan describes as being "significantly behind the other teams." This would all be more suspenseful if we didn't know from last week's preview that in terms of rankings on the ground when they arrive, all of this airplane-jockeying is going to amount to precisely dick.
The Amazing Yellow Line has recovered enough to come back to work this week, but it's gotten some help. It's still taking the longest route, to Frankfurt and back, but an Amazing Orange Line heads up to Moscow (Terence and Sarah) while an Amazing Green Line representing the Frat Boys' flight makes the short hop over to Dubai. "All teams are now making their way via three connecting cities to Almaty, Kazakhstan," Phil VOs. Those three Amazing Lines even seem to have synchronized their convergence on Almaty in the same order that the flights arrive. Amazing.
The flight schedule apparently allowed for a full day of b-roll shooting, which shows folk music, folk dancing, a folk horse-and-carriage ride, and a folk sunset. Apparently Kazakhstan is folk-intensive. The first flight touches down at the airport in the middle of the night as scheduled, and the first three teams quickly find cabs. Ken and Tina's driver promises to get them to their destination in ten minutes, which is a relief to Tina after the cab chaos of Delhi. "We're not there yet," Ken reminds her. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch," they dork at each other. That is so obvious and stupid and totally something I would not have been able to stop myself from saying. Three taxis arrive at the chicken factory in darkness, and the racers get out and wander around until Tina spots a gate. They run over to it to find it locked, and the sign attached to it lists the hours as 7:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Haven't seen too many operating-hours bunches this season, so I guess we were about due. "I guess we're going to have some quality time with one another," Starr remarks. Translation: Dallas and I are going for a walk. Everyone hand over your headlamps and don't get any ideas.
Terence and Sarah land, and she speculates in their cab about whether they'll have to pluck or eat chickens. "I hope not," Terence mutters, unaware of what he's going to be asked to do instead, at his own insistence. Sarah's the first to spot the factory sign, on which she's able to read the Cyrillic lettering meaning "agro." Is this chick a full-time linguist or what? Although I guess if you date Terence, you have to know how to say "aggro" in many languages anyway. "Yay, we made it," Sarah says, as they realize they've caught up with the other teams.
As the sun comes up the morning, a consensus seems to be forming that Dan and Andrew won't be there for the opening. Indeed, it seems to be full daylight outside as their plane finally touches down at Almaty, putting them quite decisively in last place. They seem to find a cab driver inside the terminal, and as they follow him to the exit, Dan asks if he knows how to get to the chicken factory by imitating a chicken. "Sometimes you gotta make noises," Dan explains. In their cab, Andrew is blandly and unconvincingly talking about how excited he is when their driver stops and asks them for the address, which Andrew hands over. "We're in last place and we get the one clueless driver," Dan complains, although there's no way he could possibly know that. But they get back on the road, and are glad to arrive at the factory before the gates open. The other teams are less happy about that. Tina even mutters her bizarre curse, "Turkeylips." When a factory worker clad head-to-toe in paper opens the gate from inside, all ten racers push past her and sprint the fifty yards to the clue box. Dan gets there first and grabs a clue, but Nick snatches it out of his hand, thus saving himself as much as half a second that he would have had to spend reaching inside himself, which Dan has to do again. That's pretty obnoxious of Nick, but nobody says anything because they're all thinking, How the fuck did Dan just beat us all in a footrace?
The clue is for a Road Block, which Phil tells us is a "close encounter of the bird kind." The racers will need to enter a chicken shack that looks to be about the size of a football field and which is swarming with 30,000 live chickens, all milling around at floor level. Somewhere in there are seven golden eggs, which we see Phil holding up to the camera while wearing a Tyvek coverall emblazoned with an Amazing Flag on the breast. He looks weird; his hair's all wrong because he's wearing paper gloves, and he's pretty self conscious about wearing pants that are too baggy for us to determine the ambient temperature by looking at him. The clue question is, "Who's feeling peckish?" The ones taking this are Andrew, Toni, and Tina. But wait! There's a Fast Forward.
Suddenly Phil is walking around the tables in a Kazakh restaurant, seemingly oblivious to the many belly dancers who are writhing around in the background trying to get his attention. He describes this second of the race's two Fast Forwards as "a traditional Kazakh feast. What they'll find out is that the main ingredient is the fat from the rear end of a sheep." Yum! Both team members have to eat a big plate of it to win the Fast Forward. Nick and Starr decide to go for it. So do Terence and Sarah. They race all the way to their taxis, and both teams rush their drivers out of there, but it's Nick and Starr who end up out ahead. "Babe, I don't think this is a good idea," Sarah says to Terence. "I do," he pants. That right there should tell you that this is going to be disastrous for them. By way of explaining why they didn't try for the Fast Forward this time, Dan and Andrew interview, "This team doesn't live on big gambles." Especially given the way that they are frankly intimidated by the two teams who are going for it.
Now all six of the racers staying behind for the Road Block have to don paper coveralls, hoods, booties, masks, and gloves before stepping inside, which apparently smells about like you'd expect any room containing thirty thousand chickens to smell. The three players wade out into the avian tide, carefully stepping over the ankle-level drinking pipes that run the whole length of the room. Their partners talk about the risk of the Fast Forward. "There's two of 'em going for it, one of 'em's coming back," Ken says. If he reminds Dan that he and Tina beat them out to the last one, we don't get to hear it.
In their cabs, Nick and Starr are aware of Terence and Sarah behind them. "This is what the race is about, taking the chance and going for it," Terence pronounces, while Sarah nods and smiles to him. You know, I can understand why Sarah wouldn't want to argue with Terence every time he's wrong, because that would be a full-time job. But there are times where it might be worth the effort.
Back at the chicken coop, Dan yells at Andrew not to worry about stepping on the birds' feet. Toni is the first one to find an egg, and she hurries back to Dallas. Outside, they get their clue, which tells them to find some giant crane trucks that just happen to be parked nearby. Is Kazakhstan famous for crane trucks? Maybe someone in the production misheard a comment about the country's population of Siberian cranes, or simply decided this episode had too many birds and animals as it is. Whatever the case, each team will ride in one of these crane trucks to the Koktobe Arch near the Tienshan Mountains. Then it's up a marked footpath to meet a Mongol Warrior, at which point they'll "wait for their clue to arrive." Wait? Who wants to watch waiting? I'm not recapping The Amazing Wait here. Fortunately, the reason for the waiting will turn out to be kind of cool.
The two teams heading to the Fast Forward each discuss what it means, "Going for this Fast Forward will make or break our race," Sarah says. She's half right. And even though they're in the lead, Nick remarks to Starr, "We're probably still gonna have to do whatever it is faster than them." They'd better hope it's not a task that requires taking wrong turns or learning a new language or saying "babe," then.
Andrew finds his egg, and starts making his way back through the teeming poultry, asking them to hurry up and get out of his way. Like they're not going to be, "Oh, are we slowing you down, human who wants to get out of here so you can win half a million bucks to spend at Chik-fil-A? Also, we only understand Russian. Bock-ski."
Toni and Dallas have found the crane trucks. I'm sorry to see that they don't have to drive it themselves, but have a driver waiting for them. Dallas remarks that the clue stop will be first-come, first served, since there are only two Mongol warriors there. Wow, it must be really hard to put together a horde these days.
Tina has found her own golden egg, so now it's an awkward, slow-motion, chicken-kickin' race between her and Andrew to get back first. It's the Frat Boys who get out in the lead. Hey, they need these leads once in a while. Otherwise, what would they have to blow?
Nick and Starr's cab reaches the restaurant and they run inside at full tilt, with Terence and Sarah haring along behind them. They breathlessly rush in, totally spoiling the atmosphere created by the folk music band and the belly dancers, and plop down at a table across from some locals. They're given special menus that describe the Fast Forward, and Starr interviews that she refused to even look at the ingredients on the bottom of the menu. Plates are delivered to her and Nick, containing what look like sheep-ass chunks in a brown grease sauce. I'm glad to see that it's not the Fear Factor-type eating challenges of days past; it's a generous but reasonable portion, and it doesn't look like something that was invented purely to gross us out (although I'm not saying it doesn't). Plus it's already in small pieces, which should help. When Terence and Sarah get theirs, Terence says, "Oh, no, frickin' meat." He interviews, "I'm a vegetarian. I haven't had meat for fifteen or sixteen years." Amid shots of locals gleefully eating even grosser stuff, like scraps of cow that they pull right off the skull, Terence flatly tells Sarah, "I can't eat it, babe." She just looks at him like, "You have got to be shitting me." I don't know how much the Fast Forward clue told them, but if it said it was a food challenge, or even at a restaurant, what did he expect? "You are going to have to eat so much rice"? After the ads, Terence goes on to say that everything in the restaurant made him sick, but he had to go for it to have a chance a the million. So let's watch Terence display his determination and perseverance.
En route to the clue, Toni and Dallas are hoping that Nick and Starr will win the Fast Forward, forcing Terence and Sarah to return to the race. Because Terence and Sarah are such a threat, with the zero legs they've won. Toni and Dallas make a quick stop for directions on a suburban-looking street, and basically get confirmation that they're already going the right way. I'm kind of surprised that the drivers don't already know where they're going. Don't I feel like an ass about making fun of Starr for worrying about that back in Cambodia? Not really.
Ken and Tina won the race to the crane trucks and get out ahead of the Frat Boys, who loudly remark, "I hope this driver knows where he's going." Andrew's bitter about being behind despite not getting out last. You'd think they'd be used to getting passed up all the time by now.
At the Fast Forward, Starr is struggling to choke her food down with liberal swallows from her water glass. Sarah interviews, "I think it was sheep's butt that we were eating. It was disgusting!" At the table, she encourages Terence to be tough. He hasn't even made a visible dent in his serving yet. He's probably wondering about his chances of excusing himself and returning with a dog to hide under the table.
Toni and Dallas arrive at the arch and disembark from their crane truck before climbing a steep footpath to where a pair of Mongol warriors await. "Please, please help us," Toni wheezes. Cut to a small band of warriors in period armor riding into a clearing. Toni and Dallas are beckoned to stand to one of them, who bids them wait. But they don't have to wait long, because the Mongol at the far end of the clearing, about a hundred yards away, has a falcon on his arm. Toni and Dallas's warrior beckons the bird over, and it skims along the ground to land on his gloved arm, so he can take the rolled-up clue from its talons and hand it over. There's no reason for it other than that it looks cool, but it does meet that criteria easily. And after that majestic moment, things are about to get so random.
It's a Detour. The first choice is "Play Like Mad," in which teams have to go to the museum of folk musical instruments, learn how to play a tune on a couple of traditional Kazakh instruments (a kind of mouth harp and a stringed lute), and go to a nearby park to play for tips. After they've earned about a dollar and a half (maybe 180 Kazakhstan tenge, in other words), they'll get their clue. I'm going to tell you right now that nobody will do this. That makes me a little sad, because you almost never see the race reward people with musical ability, which is one of my few talents. "Act Like Fools," the unanimous choice, requires them to go to the children's puppet theater, get into a two-person cow costume, and wander around the streets until they find a marked milk stall and drink a glass of moo juice. As you do. The instructions on the bottom of the glass will send them to a local bazaar, where they will have to "deliver themselves" to a butcher to get their clue. That "deliver themselves" phrase would make me a little nervous, with its implication that teams will eventually arrive at the Pit Stop wrapped in neat little packages of white paper. As Toni and Dallas come down the hill, they meet Ken and Tina coming up. "Hello, warriors," Ken greets them, and Dallas warns them about the long, steep walk ahead of them.
Andrew and Dan have begun leaning out the window of their truck to ask people for directions as they lumber by. They're running into two classic problems: the Language Barrier, and the Nobody Wants To Help Andrew And Dan Barrier.
At the Fast Forward, the Siblings are more than halfway done with their "food," while Terence and Sarah are getting nowhere. Sarah interviews that she was trying to give Terence tips on getting the food down, although she seems to be more giving him tips on how to vomit if need be. He's ready to give up, while Nick and Starr are still powering through. "Can you finish that?" Terence asks Sarah, hoping to get off the hook. "Yep," she says instantly. Looking over at the Siblings' table, they finally give it up as a lost cause, which is really their only option. Even if Terence could eat the meal at all, which as the husband of a vegetarian I respectfully doubt, there's no way he could finish before either Nick or Starr, let alone both of them. "Congratulations, you guys," Terence calls over his shoulder as they leave. Nick and Starr share a gloating high-five, happy that another team attempted the ass-eating Fast Forward.
Toni and Dallas have hired a cab, apparently able to abandon their crane transport for the day. Ken and Tina get their Detour clue from the falcon, and go for "Act Like a Fool," thinking it'll be faster to walk around in a cow suit. "Guess what half I am," Ken says in the cab.
Terence has made his and Sarah's cabdriver pull over so he can get out and retch, which they really don't have time for because they have to get their loser asses back to the Road Block, where everyone else is of course long gone. "We should have just bailed when we saw it was food," Terence postmortems. "I mean, you were doing a great job, you were slowing down because of me. We messed up. I messed up. It was my idea to go for the Fast Forward." Sarah doesn't exactly disagree with him. If she doesn't argue with him when he's wrong, why should she argue with him when he's right?
Dan is sticking his head out of the crane's cab, yelling at people who are standing around at a bus stop or something. Nobody makes a move. Apparently Kazakhs are immune to Dan's particular brand of loud, obnoxious, uptight American charm.
At the Fast Forward, Starr is finished eating and can now focus on encouraging Nick to put away the last few forkfuls. He finishes his last bite, and Starr gets handed their clue before he even wipes his mouth. Now they're off to the Pit Stop, a place called "Old Square." In the cab, Starr is saying that she knew Terence and Sarah wouldn't be able to do the food. "They could be so screwed right now," she says. "Could be?" Nick shoots back.
Dan and Andrew are still riding around seemingly at random, leaning out of the window for directions every time they see someone. Andrew lets out a mirthless laugh, and Dan bites his head off for it like Andrew actually thinks it's funny. Or, I don't know, maybe Andrew does think it's funny. He seems to think Dan is funny, so he's clearly got a low baseline.
Sarah's doing the Road Block. The chickens are like, "Weren't we done with these paper-wearing morons? Do svidaniya, crazy lady." She wanders around, pausing to look under individual birds, while Terence yells at her to check the perimeter. Dan and Andrew? Still getting nowhere. Sarah has begun talking to the chickens, probably because they're easier to get along with than Terence is. The Frat Boys' frustration is boiling over, as they appeal for help to another crowd of motionless locals. "They're like zombies," Andrew remarks, and he's not too far off. Dan is, however: "These are horrible people!" he snaps, which doesn't exactly impress their driver. Now he has to decide whether to keep driving around in circles or get to the arch as soon as possible so he can be rid of them.
At the chicken coop, Sarah lets out a scream and drops to the ground so fast I think she had a stroke and collapsed, but she's just diving for the egg she found. Now they're off in search of the crane trucks. Meanwhile, inside the Frat Boys' truck, Dan is bitching in his typical epic way. "We're in last place. We're gonna lose. I mean, it's over." You know, any team that says that in the first or second act of the episode is always the team I'm going to root for. How about you?
So of course, after the ads, they find a woman in a headscarf who's willing to get up, hike around the giant hook protruding from the front of the truck, and give their driver directions in either Russian or Kazakh, which I'm embarrassed to say I can't tell apart. Amazing what a simple commercial break can fix. But don't assume the Frat Boys are out of the woods yet, because Terence and Sarah have just now gotten into their own truck, and are effectively in the same stage of the leg as the Frat Boys. And if anyone can screw up enough to allow Terence and Sarah to come back from as far behind as they are, it's the Frat Boys.
At Old Square, Nick and Starr jog up to the mat. The greeter is not Borat, but a white-bearded man in a fur hat and an elaborate gold-embroidered green robe who spreads his hands wide and proclaims, "Welca to Kazakhstan!" Phil tells them they're team number one. "You sound like a broken record, Phil!" Nick cracks. Uh, you sound a little cocky, there, Nick. Still a few legs to run yet, Sparky. Phil tells them that they've won a pair of 180-HP waverunners, which should make up for the effect their new electric cars will have on their carbon footprint. Starr interviews about what a great relationship they have, and how much it's helped them. Nick agrees, "I think a truly positive attitude and a never give up approach to the race has really behooved Starr and I." I love Fast Forwards. One less team to recap for half of the episode!
Toni and Dallas arrive at the Children's Puppet Theater where they're supposed to pick up their cow costume. There looks to be some kind of performance going on in the auditorium as they make their way backstage to where the person in charge of wardrobe is waiting, in costume herself. "The wardrobe witch!" Toni says, which is a lovely thing to call someone you just met. "We need to be a cow," Dallas tells her. They climb into the costume, which features big furry pants, rubber boots, a spotted hide to drape over both of their backs, and a big pink udder that Dallas calls a bladder. They drape the body over themselves, and Dallas dons the headpiece. "Yes! I get to make my mom be the ass of a cow!" Dallas interviews. They head out onto the sidewalk, and Dallas moos loudly at Ken and Tina as the couple arrives outside. Tina interviews that as the navigator and the more detail-oriented of the two of them, it only made sense for her to be in front. They come out with Ken mooing loudly, to which Tina responds, "If you don't calm down, we'll never get it done. "Oh, relax, lady. You're in a cow. Dignity does not enter into it.
Out in the streets, Dallas is leading his mom along, telling her, "Wag the tail. Be a good ass." They interview about how everyone was staring at them, so he decided to play it up a little, with the mooing. Oh, and it turns out to be easier to get directions in this part of town in a cow costume than in whatever part of town the Frat Boys were trying to get directions in from their crane. Not being the Frat Boys probably helps as well. Ken and Tina just kind of plod along sideways because Ken doesn't seem to want to stay behind Tina. A cow only has one head, dude.
Dan and Andrew have reached the arch, and Andrew is lagging behind as they hike up the path to the Mongol warrior. He wants Dan to walk with him, but Dan doesn't want to go that slowly. It devolves into bitchy arguing. "The race isn't won by walking everywhere," Dan says. "Dude, whatever," Andrew responds. Good one.
Terence and Sarah have taken a more aggressive approach to getting directions: finding a car to follow. "That's my car," Terence says to the driver, pointing to the giant crane truck pulled over up ahead. "You drive, I follow, I pay you." The guy seems to agree to the arrangement, if only to get Terence to stop breathing his sheep-ass-flavored vomit stank into his car window.
Toni and Dallas have reached the corner that has the marked milk stand on it, but since there's no Amazing Flag and only a big easel sign reading with a picture of a milk glass over the Russian word "MOLOKO" (which I assume means "helicopter"), they don't notice it and keep on moooving. When Ken and Tina arrive at the same corner, she does spot the stall. She removes her headpiece and goes up to the window to suck down one of the waiting glasses, which takes her a little while. "It's kind of warm and strong," she reports back to Ken behind her, as she picks curds off her lip. Ew. Toni and Dallas are trotting along, and have decided to go all the way back to their starting point to figure out where they went wrong on their directions, Tina, meanwhile, has finally choked down her milk, and she asks the vendor for a clue. He just sits behind he counter motionless, which leads Tina to conclude that she's got the wrong stall. You know, one of the many other stands throughout Kazakhstan that dispense milk free to anyone who shows up at the front end of a cow costume. They're about to go off in search of the right one when another cow trots into view. Instead of waiting to see what happens, Ken says, "Put your helmet back on, let's roll." So they're gone by the time Dallas downs his glass. He also doesn't get handed a clue, but after checking the text of the clue from the original clue box, he realizes he needs to read the bottom of his glass. Which he does, and then waves over the nearest passerby, who points them in the right direction. As they head off, Dallas reports to us quite seriously that Ken and Tina left without their clue. This valuable analysis is somewhat undercut by the fact that it's coming out of a cow head.
Frustrated, Tina drops her cow head and the camera follows it poignantly to the brick pavement. She very politely approaches some locals for directions, and as they get pointed back to where they just came from, Tina soliloquizes that maybe it was in the bottom of the glass. "If you could just move a little," she prods Ken from back underneath the head. Sure enough, back at the stall they find the clue at the bottom of the empty glass she left standing there. "Tina, you should have known that, duh," Tina says. But they're not done screwing up, because now they think they have to ditch the costume back where they got it before going to the butchers'. Failure to read the clue? Or just refusing to take any chances? Hard to say.
Back at the hill with the Mongol warriors, the Frat Boys get their airborne clue, and go with the cow costume. In the cab on the way to the theater, Dan thinks he should be in front because he's faster. How long does he think that cow gets? When Andrew resists the idea, Dan claims that you need to have the bigger guy in the back. "Bigger guy's usually in the back...There's probably physics behind it." Well, clearly Dan's already got the manure-producing part of being a cow down. Terence and Sarah are still traveling through the suburbs, trying to remain optimistic.
As Toni and Dallas approach the market, some kid comes up and pretends to feed their cow from a bowl. And Ken and Tina have returned to the theater, Tina remarking, "Gives me a new appreciation for mascots." As they enter the costume shop, Ken wants Tina to be sure they're supposed to give it back, but she shuts him down, and they leave the suit -- and their chances for a second-place finish -- behind before heading to the bazaar.
Toni and Dallas are still putting on a show as they reach the bazaar, find the meat section, and narrow things down until Dallas spots an Amazing Flag on one of the stalls. They get their clue, which begins, "Make your way on foot to the Pit Stop." Phil tells us again about the Pit Stop, "Old Square:" "This public plaza in the oldest part of the city is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race." And the last team? May be eliminated. The clue also tells them to bring their cow heads to the Pit Stop. On their way out, as they're schlepping the costume in sections while still wearing the furry white pants, Toni wants to take a cab, but Dallas reminds her that the clue rules that out. This obviously means that someone will take a cab at some point. Any guesses on who? Toni and Dallas meet Ken and Tina on the street, and Dallas wonders where their costume is. Ken reports that they dropped it off already. Without slowing down, Dallas corrects that they need to bring the costume to the butcher's stall, and Toni adds that they need to bring part to the Pit Stop. Ken and Tina didn't see that in the clue (and still don't when Tina checks), but since they're there, they figure they might as well give it a shot without the costume. And Toni and Dallas are regretting telling Ken and Tina what the deal was. "We're idiots," Toni says. Not that it's going to make much difference to them in this leg. When the find the butcher's stall, Ken and Tina discover that they indeed will not get a clue while being de-cowed, so they hurry back toward the theater to quickly re-bovinate themselves.
The Frat Boys are trying to stay positive in their cab, remembering the Fast Forward that two teams went for. "We don't know how long that takes, though," Dan carps. Terence and Sarah are now arriving at the arch, not as happy to face that uphill climb as you might think. Come on, you guys! This is a physical challenge! You love this shit! After the falcon delivers their clue, they make the Detour unanimous: "Babe, we're acting like fools. We are fools," Terence says. "We?" In the cab, he tells her, "No quit, my love," Terence tells Sarah in the cab. "No quit," Sarah dutifully agrees. Just lose, she thinks. And lots of it.
Ken and Tina are back at the theater and struggling back into their cow costume. "At least we know where to go now," Ken says from underneath the ass section as they head out. The Frat Boys arrive , and of course Andrew loves the big udder as they try to assemble their costume like a puzzle. They leave their shoes behind to pick up later, and earn themselves a slow-mo hero shot of the cow emerging from behind the curtains into the world. Behold the coowww!
Toni and Dallas jog into Old Square, schlepping their cow segments and yelling, "Phil!" Phil merely pops an eyebrow at them in response. They're team number two.
Tina and Ken finally make it back to the butcher stall and get their Pit Stop clue. Tina wants a cab, but Ken reminds her of the "by foot" clause in the clue. So far, so good.
The Frat Boys are going one block at a time, but still not having much luck getting directions. And Terence and Sarah have gotten into their cow and quickly find someone to lead them to the bazaar on foot. In the back end, Sarah thanks them. In Russian, of course. Why is she even on this race? She could earn a million dollars much more easily just by working as a Babel Fish.
Ken and Tina are relieved to learn that they are team number three. And the Frat Boys are still arguing, as Andrew wants to stop and ask for directions, while Dan insists on yelling at people as they walk by, because he wants to keep moving. Eventually they come across a group of taxi drivers, and agree to pay one of the drivers 1000 tenge, which as of this writing is about eight U.S. dollars, to lead them on foot to the milk stand. Terence and Sarah ask their guide to walk faster. "You're not tired?" he asks them. Aw, how nice of him to be concerned about them under that cow costume. The Frat Boys find the milk stall first, and Dan sucks it down. "I want some milk," Andrew whines from behind. Dan reads the clue on the bottom of the glass and gets their increasingly reluctant taxi driver guide to agree to lead them to the bazaar. Terence and Sarah get their glass at some point after the Frat Boys have left, and as they walk off with their empty glass, Terence tells her, "Good job, my love." "Good job, my cow boyfriend," she responds. I wonder if that's something she's been calling him all along.
Andrew and Dan arrive at the bazaar with an obligatory cry of "Where's the beef?" They find the sign at the butcher stall, and after they get their clue telling them to make their way to the Pit Stop on foot, they ask their cab driver to take them to the Pit Stop. In his CAB. Stupid Frat Boys. "What about our shoes at the theater?" Andrew wonders. Dan says they'll get them later. After they get to the Pit Stop in their CAB.
Terence and Sarah have become a jogging cow, with part of Terence's hand visibly holding up the headpiece. It almost looks like the cow swallowed someone who managed to lock his fingers over the edge of the jaw in his last moments. Andrew throws his and Dan's cow costume into the trunk of a CAB. They get there pretty quickly, of course, since they took a CAB, and they run up to the mat. Phil tells them they're the fourth team to arrive. "However, you have not read your clue correctly." Andrew pulls out the clue and finds where it says "make your way on foot." They just stand there flummoxed, not knowing what to do, until Phil tells them, "Go back to the end of the Detour and then make your way back here to the mat on foot." They head out. "And you better move!" Phil yells unsympathetically at their retreating backs. So awesome. They run back out to the street, where there are currently no cabs at all. "We're gonna lose because of that? Now I'm pissed," Andrew says as we leave them stranded by the curb.
After the ads, Andrew wonders, "Is it just me, or would that be a long-ass walk?" For you two, maybe. Meanwhile, Terence is lavishing praise and encouragement on Sarah for how well she's doing under the costume. It's like he's aware of the danger that these could be his final moments on television and he doesn't want to leave us with a memory of him as...well, as Terence. Either that, or he's thinking about the expression "Nice guys finish last" and figured that he better get nice in a hurry.
The Frat Boys finally get a cab back to the Detour. Terence and Sarah agree to run faster. "Moo!" Terence bellows from under the headpiece. "I'm like an angry cow." In their cab, Dan and Andrew remind each other to remember the way back. Not that either of them is sparing a glance out the back window. Terence guides Sarah down a curb. "We're about to enter. Follow me." Like she has a choice. The Frat Boys de-cab and begin the long walk back to the Pit Stop. "Dude, I think it's this way," is the first thing they say. Good sign, that. Finally Terence and Sarah get the clue sending them to the Pit Stop. Andrew and Dan are already on their way back there, and the costume boots are beginning to take their toll. "You can't run in these things," Andrew says. It's not clear if "these things" means the Wellies or Andrew's legs. Their slowness could hurt them, as Sarah and Terence are resolving to haul ass to the Pit Stop at a run. Andrew asks a young local couple for directions, which takes too much time for Dan's liking: "They don't know what they're doing either," Dan bitches, as they clearly point Andrew up the street. Terence and Sarah are also getting directions to the Pit Stop, which is more understandable for them as they have not already been there. And the Frat Boys are arguing again, as Andrew says he's been patient with Dan throughout the race. Dan thinks it's the other way around. Without taking sides one way or another, Dan is wrong. Andrew brings up the BloKart debacle, and Dan admits that Andrew has been patient in a different way. "I've been patient myself, with speed," he claims, whatever that means. Dan can be patient the fastest? Andrew insists that they walk as a team. Dan still wants the team to walk faster. This is not going to get resolved until they get eliminated, and even then it'll only be resolved for us, the viewers. Dan and Andrew will still be bitching at each other about it when they're eighty and racing to Old Country Buffet.
Terence and Sarah seem to have spotted Old Square, and since Andrew and Dan look like they've gotten lost again, it might just end up being close after all. At least that's what we're supposed to think, as both teams are shown running into the square. And then the fourth-place team arrives. Phil tells them, "Andrew and Dan, you are team number four." All is forgiven between the two of them. "And you are still in the race," Phil adds. Andrew can't believe it. Neither can Phil. Neither can I. Neither can the entire English-speaking world.
Terence leads Sarah in from another direction, as they run through a garden strip to come around to the mat from the side. The Frat Boys are nowhere in sight. "Welca to Kazakhstan!" says the greeter. Terence thanks him and adds, "Kazakhstan is very beautiful." Appreciate the effort, but it's out of the greeter's hands, dude. Terence braces himself for the bad news by getting a kiss from Sarah, for which Phil is happy to give them plenty of time. At last, Phil tells them they're last. "Fudge, fudge," I think Terence says. And they wait for the official word. Phil gets as far as "I'm sorry--" before Sarah lets out a moaning "Noooo!" Phil gets right to the point of where and how they blew it: "You get to the Fast Forward, you saw Nick and Starr there..." Terence says he can run marathons and triathlons, but "I couldn't swallow that food to save my life. Couldn't do it." "Couldn't do it for a million dollars?" Phil says. Terence just looks at him like, "well, when you put it that way...motherfudge!" Sarah solo-interviews that Terence is going to be beating himself up over deciding to go for the Fast Forward for a while. "I hope that, with some time, he can see that we got out of this some great things for our relationship. We saw the world together, and hopefully in the long run that'll be just as valuable as whether we were able to win it or not. And maybe now I'll be allowed to open envelopes and talk and climb once in a while." Except for the last part. Back at the mat, Terence tells Phil how much he loves Sarah, and how "honored and blessed" he feels to have run the race with her. He interviews that Sarah will remain a part of his life, wherever that life takes him. So if anyone has been spending the season hoping that Terence and Sarah would provide us with a new specimen of that rarest of TAR birds, the Mat Breakup, it's clearly not going to happen.
week: Nick and Starr finally catch a tough break, for at least five seconds or so.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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