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As you might have expected, TK and Rachel's big lag falls away as the teams make their way to Taiwan. Ron and Chris jump out ahead as a result of what certainly appears to be Chris successfully convincing a ticket agent to deny tickets to the other teams, leaving TK and Rachel, Nick and Don, and Nate and Jen in a big bunch once the teams get where they're going. In fact, TK and Rachel jump out ahead of the other teams in the group at a Roadblock featuring an underwater plunge, so they have time to run off and do a thoroughly unchallenging Speed Bump and still be right in the hunt as the teams head for a Detour offering a choice between a fire-lighting task that looks kind of complicated and a bumpy-rock-walking task that just seems vaguely uncomfortable. Naturally, everyone goes with the bumpy rocks, and Ron and Chris slide into first place with little difficulty. TK and Rachel pass Nick and Don at the bumpy rocks, and they finish second.
Have we mentioned it's Jen's birthday? It is. And all day, she makes these little "I can't believe you're being so mean to me on my birthday" noises as she and Nate return to bickering, arguing, bitchy form. So it's them and Nick and Don battling it out at the finish line, and to the absolute shock of everyone who's been waiting for their inevitably victory through clenched teeth, Nate and Jen do not finish third. They finish fourth, and they are eliminated, and they are definitely not going to win, and I recommend that you repeat that to yourself many, many times, because I'm here to tell you -- it won't get any less great. And that's not to even mention how great it is to watch a guy as old as Don go into the final three, or how great it is to watch a kid like Nick get a payoff for carrying two backpacks all the way around the world, or how great it is that Nate and Jen seem, in part, to be booted on account of their inability to stop arguing and think through a problem. Rarely does a team that sucks get tossed because they suck, but here it is. And it kind of seems like they might be breaking up at the end, but you know what? I doubt it.
Warm up for the finale, folks. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Spoilers And Foilers And Phil, Oh My: You may not know it, but there was a spoiler going around for the last couple of weeks that predicted an outcome so horrifying that many were tempted to stop watching, including me, which is why the last three recaps were completed by my clone, Miss Salli, who takes over any show when I believe my heart is about to be broken. She is also in charge of pretending to care about PBS documentaries by Ken Burns. I won't tell you what the spoiler said, but as you can see, I am back. Not that she'd tell you the truth if I weren't.
In other news, the teams went from India to Japan, with TK and Rachel striking out (so to speak) on their own and ending up sucking several hours' worth of jet fumes as a result. Don and his old-man bones started to get a little more seriously tired, and Nick mastered the Two-Backpack Run, because his seventy-year-old grandfather was almost as reluctant to tote his own gear as Flo. Her legacy of goldbricking is tarnished! Nate and Jen once again wanted desperately to come in first, and they were once again denied -- this time by a late-surging Chris and Ron, who have been doing a lot better since Ron stopped bouncing basketballs off her head. TK and Rachel wound up about three hours behind the pack, but they avoided elimination. Instead, they were promised a Speed Bump during this leg that would force them to play a little harder to avoid coming in last. Four teams left. Three essentially don't suck. What are the odds? Oh, reality television, you fickle bastard. "Who will be eliminated...tonight?" Aw! Old-timey introduction! Yea Verily, Phille Has Blowne The Show's Wee Wadde.
Credits. I barely remember Shana and Jennifer. It's like they were on three seasons ago. I feel like they lost on the same night as John Kerry. I feel like one of their tasks was digging up dinosaur bones that were still warm. [BOMP.]
Back from commercials, we are in Osaka, Japan. Phil welcomes us back to Tempozan Park, where the teams checked in for the last pit stop. It has a Ferris wheel, which can only be associated with happiness and good cheer...unless you've seen Atonement. Or Big. Obviously, Phil wonders whether TK and Rachel can make up their three-hour drag (no pun intended), and further wonders which of these four teams will not be making it into the final three.
HA HA HA!
7:02 AM. Ron and Christina. I am more tired of Ron's parade of "Who's Your Daddy?" shirts at this point than I ever was of any hat. (Olde Schoole Hatte Joke! For Olde-Tymers!) Because, really, "Who's Your Daddy?" was half-funny exactly once, and after that, it became not funny nine times, so Ron's account is running a serious deficit. The clue tells them to take a taxi to "the building with a hole in it" and find the Floating Garden. Phil explains that this clue should lead them to the Umeda Sky Building, which has the aforementioned "hole in it." (Awesomely, the first time I watched this, I missed the audio and wrote down the name of the building, from the on-screen caption, as the "Umedasky Building," and I was thinking, "Man, 'Umedasky' doesn't sound like a very Japanese name; I wonder what's up with that." I AM A GENIUS.) Based on the pictures, I'm not sure I think that building has a hole in it so much as it has a decorative feature with a hole in it, but...all right. Once they get there, they have to figure out that the "floating garden" is a rooftop observatory where the clue box is located. Ron and Chris get a cab, and as they get going, she talks about how proud she is of the fact that her father has stopped berating her. On the one hand, relatively speaking, I agree with her. On the other hand, it's...kind of depressing how all she wants is a break from the screaming. She says it's all about progress, though, and she knows her dad is genuinely trying. "This is the race to the final three," Christina says somberly in the cab, and Ron unfortunately does not respond with "That's so clichéd."
7:15 AM. Nate and Jen. They get in a cab, and Jen announces that it is her birthday.
HA HA HA!
They also discuss the fact that TK and Rachel are a long way behind. Jen tells us in an interview that she and her beloved/be-hated "are not playing Mr. Nice Jen And Nate." First of all, that's ridiculous. There's no such person as Mr. Nice Jen And Nate. Think of how confusing it would be for him to check into a hotel. Second of all, even if there were a Mr. Nice Jen And Nate, he would have atrophied while spending the entire race up to this point in seclusion while Actual Jen And Nate vowed in public to despise each other's souls for all eternity. Nate tells us that they're going to tear their shirts off, like the Hulk. I love the idea of two separate Hulks arguing with each other. "It not Hulk's fault! It your fault!" "It not me Hulk's fault! You Hulk to blame!" "You worst Hulk Hulk ever met!" "Hulk hate what you turn into!" "YOU CHEAT ON HULK!" "You right; Hulk sorry." "That better."
7:21 AM. Nick and Don, who tell us they're getting $374 for the leg. In the cab, Don observes frankly that it's stressing him out that he's not really able to do all the running in the race as well as he'd like to. Honestly, it's pretty amazing that he's got it in him to do this much running on this little rest, and it tends to make a lot of other teams throughout history look kind of bad for whining. It's like, "Were you born after World War II? I thought so. Pick up your backpack and cram it." I really think Nick and Don are the model for how to do this very thing, though. Don does have some physical limitations, which he knows about, and which Nick knows about. So Nick pushes him to go as fast as he can, but in the end, Nick carries his bag and doesn't berate him about it. Nick is an example, to me, of "Either don't bring your grandfather at all, or bring him and don't spend the whole time complaining about how slow he is." It's okay to know and to address your partner's limits, but you can't sit around and complain about it. The fact that racing around with the two packs will put forty years on Nick's spine? That's not the point.
Ron and Christina find the building with the hole, and they get out of the cab. Nate and Jen and Don and Nick are not far behind. Nick asks if Don needs him to carry the bag. "No, I'm fine," Don assures him. See? Does as much as he can. When the teams get to the building, however, they find that it's not open until 10 AM, so that's going to eat up a substantial chunk of the lead they have on TK and Rachel. Not all of it, but a good bit of it. All the teams commiserate about losing their lead on TK and Rachel -- honestly, if they watch the show, they can't be all that surprised -- and Nate correctly points out that they should still be somewhat ahead. At 10 AM, the doors finally open, and they all run inside. Nate and Jen scamper onto the first elevator with Ron and Christina, but Nick and Don are a few steps behind and have to get the one. At the top, as soon as the teams get off the elevator, Nate and Jen are bickering about whether she ran off without him when she got off the elevator. Here, I notice that Jen really likes those red shorts she's wearing. I bet those things smell like Satan's morning breath right about now.
Ron and Christina are the first to open the clue, which tells them to fly to Taipei, Taiwan. From the airport, they'll take a taxi to Taipei Main Station, where a clue awaits. When Nate and Jen open their clue, Jen introduces the fact that she believe "Taipei" is pronounced "Ta-Pie." T-PIE! Hey, yell it loud! A similar mantra worked for a couple of nitwits a couple of seasons back. Sigh. On the way back down in the elevator after they get their clue, Nick takes Don's backpack. Or, if you prefer, "Nick takes Nick's other backpack."
Nate goes underwater. Jen resists the urge to hold him there. Don looks highly unamused by the tippy car. "Hope the fuckin' brakes work on this thing," he says. You betcha. Nate finishes the underwater ride, and he gets their clue, so they get the clue to head back to Taipei (I'm sorry -- "Ta-PIE") via rail and find the teahouse. Nick tries to coach Don through the breath-holding, but he holds up fine. Don used to dive for treasure with pirates in the Indian Ocean. They get the clue and leave.
Contrary to what their driver said, it appears that Ron and Chris do make the 7:16 train back to Taipei.
TK and Rachel run through some fireworks in a field. As dramatic as they try to make it by having TK compare it to "running through a war zone," it's...not that. It sort of reminds me of the welcome dinner at the Monster Beverage surfing competition I attended a year ago at this time. (Just...don't ask.) Elsewhere, Nate and Jen mention that they know Nick and Don are just behind them, and TK and Rachel are off dealing with the Speed Bump. Speaking of whom, TK and Rachel are already done with the Speed Bump and headed back to the Jeep place to pick up the clue. In the cab, TK both makes a "going out with a bang" pun related to the fireworks and calls the experience "bitchin'." He certainly is the guy he claims to be, I think. If you took his green kerchief off, affable dork would fall out all over the place. And I mean that as a compliment.
Nate and Jen are begging to be let on the 7:36 PM train, but it appears that they have just barely missed it, because they're only being offered 8:00, so they're going to wind up on the same train with at least Nick and Don, who show up shortly behind them. The lady tells them that it's currently 7:31 PM, and tickets for the 7:36 PM are closed. Jen begs and pleads, but she's told that the system won't print tickets for the earlier one. Nick wants to run for the earlier one, too, but he gets the same bad news. The high-speed rail is a harsh mistress.
TK and Rachel, at Acrobatics Jeep, see that everyone else is gone, and they get the clue to head back to Taipei. In the cab, TK guesses that they're not more than ten or fifteen minutes behind the other teams. At the train station, Jen tells Nick and Don she's just hoping TK and Rachel don't make it.
Commercials for Mad Money (alternate title: If I Say What I'm Thinking Regarding Atie-Kay Olmes-Hay, This Recap Will Mysteriously Be Removed From The Internet). Seriously, can you still start a real movie ad with "gitchie gitchie ya ya ya ya"? Wasn't that years ago? Didn't we retire that with unironic uses of "shizzle," about three years before we retired ironic uses of "shizzle"?