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The teams stay in Africa, starting off with the grabbing of a chicken that has to stay with them for the rest of the leg. They proceed to a Detour that requires them either to dance their pants off or pan for gold, and we meet a new race feature called the U-Turn. The U-Turn -- long advocated by Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters undoubtedly now demanding a percentage -- is a Yield-like penalty that requires an affected team to go back at the end of a Detour and complete the other Detour option before continuing. Wisely, Shana and Jennifer -- who reach the Detour in seventh place -- use the U-Turn on Jason and Lorena, who are (as they were at the opening of the leg) in last place. Efforts are made to convince us that the remainder of the leg, in which a Roadblock requires someone to carry a heavy load of supplies on a bicycle through a Chaotic Marketplace™, will shuffle the teams enough that Jason and Lorena will recover. New drama breaks out when Jen apparently takes the position that Azaria and Hendekea, who have come in first twice (though she seems to believe it's thrice) should step aside and let her and Nate win. Yes, it seems that she is serious. Hendekea's like, "Yeah...no," and she and Azaria finish first again. In the end, Jason and Lorena are unable to come back from their last-place departure and their subsequent U-Turning, and are eliminated, just as they easily could have been last week. Oh, and: Ron survives another episode dragging that hernia, which is getting really uncomfortable to watch. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on I, Phil Keoghan, Will Now Be Awesomely Funny And Put The Stank Of Jeff Probst To Absolute Shame: Ron had a hernia; you may have heard something about it. The teams traveled to Burkina Faso, where a bunch of camels were not too keen on being used for milk, and Lorena melted down like Frosty in the greenhouse when her camel kept kicking and screaming. Nevertheless, when Julia took pity on Lorena and bailed her out, Lorena came back from the abyss, passed Julia at the Detour, and ultimately knocked Marianna and Julia right out of the race. Moral of the story? If somebody's KF-ing themselves right behind you, you really need to...you know, let them. Azaria and Hendekea finished first, which you wouldn't think would have any continuing repercussions in this leg, but you would be wrong. Eight teams left. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. I have to agree with everyone who has noted that Kynt and Vyxsin's dramatic head-turn is so spectacular that it basically ruins the head-turn forever. The head-turn will have to be retired. Like Brett Favre's number. And helmet. And shoes. And towel. [BOMP.]
Happy children play and happy music accompanies them as we return to Burkina Faso, which is apparently home to a lot of pickup soccer games. Phil tells us that Burkina Faso is "a developing West African nation" jam-packed with art festivals. So, like certain parts of New York, but with fewer hair salons. We find Phil in Bingo, the village where the last pit stop was. He reminds us how all the teams piled up at the end of the last leg, and how they have absolutely no idea what on earth might happen . He wonders whether TK and Rachel's calm (read: stoned) approach will serve them well, and whether Jason and Lorena will have their relationship tested. There's a great moment in this little teaser showing Lorena at the last pit-stop mat sobbing, "I didn't milk the camel right!" She is like something out of a movie, I tell you. A movie with Sally Field in it.
7:58 AM. Azaria and Hendekea. Phil is careful not to claim that they arrived at 7:58 PM, since it was clearly daytime, so it's some kind of extended pit stop. In Bingo. It's no palace in India, but I'm sure it has charms of its own as a place to hang out for a while. The clue tells them to follow a path to a nearby village, where a tribal chief will give them a "customary gift of generosity." Phil doesn't explicitly say what the gift is, but the loud "bawwwwk bawk bawk" heard under this part of the explanation might be a hint of some kind. They are receiving no money for this leg of the race, so you can bet it's a short one in a confined space.
As they leave the mat, Azaria says that they might just get first place on every single leg and then win the whole thing. In an interview, Azaria says that he knows Hendekea has "physical limitations." She immediately says, "'Physical limitations,' like I'm a retard or something." The word "retard" is bleeped. Here's what I hate about the bleeping of that word, in addition to the fact that I generally think offensive terms should be left intact so you can decide for yourself whether they're offensive or not: the only point of showing that exchange is for you to know she said "like I'm a retard." If they didn't think you'd guess what she said, it's not funny or interesting or informative in any way. They want you to know what she said; they just don't want to be on the hook for showing what she said. You can go around and around all day about the comment -- I mostly come out at "No matter what, you've got to be aware enough not to say that shit on television" -- but if they truly thought it was offensive, why show the bit at all? She follows this with, "Like I got a gimp leg." Wait, she can't say "retard," but she can say "gimp"? Wait, do you think I can say "gimp"? Because I already said "retard." Okay, wait. Let me try again: She originally says, "Like I'm a [bleep] or something," and then she follows it with, "Like I got a [bleep] leg." There you go. I am caring and sensitive. YOU'RE WELCOME, GIMPS AND RETARDS.
Azaria and Hendekea approach the tribal chief, who's magnificently attired in his bright blue robe. I wish I could wear a bright blue robe to work. And slippers. ["I ain't stopping you." -- Sars] They learn that what they are supposed to collect is a chicken. Azaria holds open a mesh bag they've apparently been given, and they drop the chicken in. They receive a clue from the chief that tells them to take a taxi to Bouda Pelegtanga, which Phil says is about 100 miles. So that does make the total lack of funds for the leg a little surprising, given that you have to have enough money for a hundred miles in a cab, so you'd better have something saved. Phil also informs us at this point that "as a sign of respect to the tribal chief," they have to bring the chicken along for the entire leg and turn it in at the pit stop. The chicken is kind of like that friend who needs a ride, and maybe you want to give him a ride and maybe you don't, but you have to, so that makes you resent him a little bit. Just a tiny bit. If you could carry your friend in a bag, actually, you'd be less conflicted. Anyway, apparently, the clue says, "No chicken, no check-in," and everyone knows that's adorable as soon as they hear it. No idea why that's not the episode title. Azaria and Hendekea hop in a taxi. In the cab, he asks her how he can get her to go faster, and she says she's going as fast as she can.
8:12 AM. TK and Rachel. TK says that putting pressure on themselves only makes them mess up, so they're just enjoying themselves. And fighting the munchies.
8:13 AM. Nate and Jen. Jen says that in the last couple of legs, they've finished close to the top but not at the top. "If we're this close, we're gonna make first place," she vows. Chase that feeling, Blondie! Attach yourself to the idea of first place! Pin your hopes on it!
8:14 AM. Kynt and Vyxsin. He interviews that "Gothic-oriented people" sometimes seem distant, but he swears that he and Vyxsin are both "sincere and genuine." I believe that. I don't know that I think they're poseurs, exactly, at least not anymore. I just think they're kind of...hangers-on, in a way. My guess is that at some point, they're going to figure out a way to actually be really individual and self-defined, rather than semi-piggybacking on a type that I don't think is necessarily them. I think that in a way, they're too cool to be members of somebody else's club, and in the end, they'll make up their own.
8:15 AM. Ronald and Christina. Ron (he's a herniac, heeeerniac on the floor) tells us that their relationship is improving over the course of the race. He tells her as they're running that he'll let her know when he needs to slow down and, like, put his intestines back where they go or something.
8:16 AM. Nicolas and Donald. I love the way Nick is so tall that when he reads the clue, unless he remembers to hold it down waist-high, his grandpa is basically standing on tiptoe trying to see it, like a little kid trying to look over your shoulder while you read the shopping list. That is a tall kid. Nick tells us that having Don with him (he calls him "Don") is great, because there's no advantage quite like "sixty years of life experience." Nick carries both packs as they run, and he encourages Don to let him know if the pace is too much for him. Don tells us that while he can't run all that fast, he's "got forty fuckin' years on them," and that has to be worth something. For some reason, while I often find old people swearing to be sort of tiresome and obvious, with Don it just seems salty and down-to-earth and awesome. I also love how Nick watches the interviewer for a reaction when Don starts spouting profanity. It's hilarious. Watch for it.
TK and Rachel and Nate and Jen pick up their complimentary chickens. Well, TK and Rachel do. The first time Jen tries to get the chicken to cooperate, she accidentally throws it away. But finally, these teams get going. In the cab, TK tries to get Rachel to kiss the chicken. So he's that boyfriend, is he?
Meanwhile, Hendekea comments that the world out the window kind of reminds her of Ethiopia, where she reveals in an interview she and Azaria have gone together before. She loves the feeling of being in Africa.
Vyxsin, Ron, and Don collect their chickens. The best of these is Don, who basically picks up the chicken in a no-nonsense manner that's probably less traumatic for the chicken than all the terrified, overly sensitive theatrics. Don's just like, "[Cram]," and the chicken is safe in the bag.
8:38 AM. Remember Shana and Jennifer? They haven't left yet. As they go, Shana says that the two of them are "great friends," and they both can speak up about whatever they think on the race. They are not excited about the chicken, but they do grab one and leave. In the cab, they decide that they should name the chicken "Phil," because its tuft reminds them of Phil's spiky hair. Cut to a shot of Phil patting his spiky hair. Hee. "He's cute like Phil," Shana says. I think Phil is cuter than the chicken, but all right. Phil in a bag! …Actually, that sounds good. I'll take one, please.
Azaria and Hendekea are ready to leave their cab and look for the clue. But as soon as they stop, Hendekea needs a potty break, so she dashes off, much to his frustration. In one sense, I understand, but in the other sense, they just cabbed it a hundred miles, and...I mean, when you need to go, you need to go. TK and Rachel and Nate and Jen, however, do arrive while she's in the john, it appears, so that's it for being in first place for the moment. It's not like she's doing this on purpose, though.
Nate and Jen are in first place as they open the clue for the Detour. The two choices are Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. In Shake Your Pan, the team has to go to a local mining pit and use a traditional panning method to come up with one ounce of gold. Phil claims that this task is "physically demanding," which I sort of don't agree with based on what comes later, but he says that at least it's measured "objectively," which is true. It's significant because in Shake Your Booty, the team learns a "traditional local dance" and performs it for a group of judges, both following the dance and adding some "creativity" to it. If they like your dance, you can go. If they don't like your dance, you have to wait ten minutes and then you can go. It's weird, because you don't wait ten minutes and then try again, as it turns out -- you just wait ten minutes in lieu of doing a decent dance. But I like it, in that it has the capacity to create unpredictable results. Because really, who knows what the equivalent of "pitchy" is in Burkina Faso dace circles anyway?
Jen proudly announces in an interview that she has just been dancing for the L.A. Clippers -- for some reason, NBA dancers are a wildly overrepresented group among female reality-show contestants -- so obviously, she took the dancing. TK and Rachel also choose the Booty. Meanwhile, Hendekea emerges from the potty to learn that while she was in there, a couple of teams passed them. In a great visual, the teams are confronted with a sign with two arrows on it, marked "Pan" and "Booty." I can just imagine some poor unsuspecting person stumbling upon those signs and being like, "Well, if those are the choices, I don't need a pan that badly." Azaria and Hendekea choose the dancing as well.
10:07 AM. Lorena and Jason. So that's an hour and a half after everyone else. That implies that after everyone else was done with the camel-milking, Lorena and Julia stood around for another ninety minutes or so trying to get that task done. So they're starting out with a big, big deficit here, and they will really need to luck into at least a little bunching in order to make that up. As they run down the road with him on the right and her on the left, he says that he'll look to the left and she can look to the right. So, he's close, except it's the opposite of what he means. I don't think that's a good sign. He interviews that the race is about not giving up, so they're...not giving up! The episode would go a lot faster if they just made Jason a sign right now that reads, "We Do Not Give Up," and then they let him wave it around as needed.
Nick and Don pass "the Pinkies" in their cab. That would be Kynt and Vyxsin to you.
Jason tells Lorena not to "make any sudden movements" as he tries to stealthily sneak up on a chicken. I'm telling you, that's not necessary. I think you need to announce your presence to the chicken with authority. You are the boss; the chicken is the chicken. This is useful in many areas of life, now that I think about it. Maybe I'll get that t-shirt: "The Chicken Is The Chicken." Jason does get a chicken, though, and they can finally get going. He says in their taxi that he hopes everyone will make lots of mistakes.
Kynt and Vyxsin are passed by Ron and Chris.
Nate and Jen are ready to learn the dance. They select a dancer from a group dressed in giant furry costumes -- and by that, I mean "costumes that are furry," not "the African dancers are apparently furries," which would, of course, get the furries ganging up on me with the [bleep]s and [bleep]tards from earlier. Don't write to me, easily offended furries! Jen tries to teach Nate the basics as she understands them, but he doesn't understand her dance talk and wants her to speak to him in English. Not all this "one, two, three, four." They are the first to perform. They really just seem to do this same stompy move over and over again, and they add...nothing, that I can see. Azaria diplomatically explains that he and Hendekea watched this and figured that if what Nate and Jen were doing was the level of difficulty, they could probably swing it. Nate and Jen eventually just kind of stop dancing, and the judges look at them, and actual crickets chirp on the soundtrack. "No creativity," announces a judge. So they will not pass. They will wait ten minutes. Jen interviews that, for a dancer, this was kind of embarrassing. Not like being an L.A. Clippers dancer really relies primarily on inventiveness, but I see her point.
Nick and Don choose to Shake Their Pan, and Don tells us he's actually done some mining. I think he's just making stuff up now. Chris looks at her dad seriously and says, "You're really good at shaking your booty." With a hernia? Oh, Chris. "My dad is a wild dancer," she interviews. "Smile the whole time," she tells him as they walk to the dance area. He repeats this to himself, undoubtedly thinking about how the hernia may affect his ability to smile.
TK and Rachel look at the dance, decide it's "too hard," and decide to Shake Their Pan. Seriously? Dudes. Come on. As Azaria and Hendekea go to dance, TK and Rachel seek the mining, where Nick and Don already are. Nick asks Don to go down in the pit because of his shoes, and I'm not sure what it is about the shoes, but apparently Nick thinks they're better than his for mining. Old-man shoes to the rescue!
Azaria and Hendekea dance. They do some of what Nate and Jen did, but at least they seem to have a pattern of moving the dance around the space, rather than merely standing still and stomping. They get the pass from the judges, so they're allowed to leave. As they run off, Azaria actually jumps up and clicks his heels, which is pretty cool. Not as cool as Sars doing it in her tomato costume, but still. Nate and Jen have about five minutes left on their penalty, so they're pretty bummed. The clue Azaria and Hendekea receive tells them to go on foot to the Pelegtanga Market, where they'll find another clue box. The clue adds something: "Caution: U-Turn Ahead."
So now Phil explains the U-Turn. A U-Turn is found at the end of a Detour, and it works like a Yield, except that instead of waiting out an hourglass, the U-Turned team has to go back and complete the other option (Phil calls it the other "side") in the Detour. So here, if you pick the dancing, for instance, then when you're done and you get to the U-Turn, it will tell you that you have to go back and also do the mining before you can continue. I will tell you, this is an idea that the EEFPs have been kicking around for many seasons, so if one of them doesn't get the TM on it, it's a real shame. As with a Yield, each team can only do it once, and there are only two on the race.
Kynt and Vyxsin decide, in the great tradition of Goths engaging in joyous, unrestrained dancing, to Shake Their Booty(s). Meanwhile, Nate and Jen's penalty runs out, so they can go. As they leave, Jen talks about how much static she's going to get "from the dancing world" (?) when she returns, over the fact that she screwed up a dancing challenge. Somehow, I think the "dancing world" has bigger things going on just speculating about who Julianne Hough is dating.
Azaria and Hendekea choose not to U-Turn anyone. The clue sends them by taxi to the "outskirts of Ouagadougou" to the Tampouy Goat Market, where they'll get another clue. They leave in their cab. Nothing whets the appetite for animal controversy like a reference to a goat market. Let's go!
TK and Rachel are still looking for the mining, while Nick and Don are already panning. Don does know what he's doing, and he shows Nick how to put a ton of stuff into one of the mesh trays and then pour water over it to get the mud off and reveal the solids, which will let them see the gold. Grandpa certainly learned a lot back during the war, before he was run over by the horseless carriage and lost his memory.
Ron and Chris are ready to dance. They introduce a lot of their own moves, but I don't recognize very much of what they were being taught by the local dancer. It's also just a trifle odd that they're bumping butts, which I will happily say I have never done with any of my relatives. "End strong!" Christina encourages, and this translates into "Stop! Hernia time!" They freeze. Crickets.
Nick and Don find the gold. "There's plenty of gold, so it's not that difficult," Don says. They head over to weigh their haul, while Ron and Chris wait for a decision from the judges. "Your free creativity not very good," the judge announces. So that's a ten-minute wait for them. In fairness, they were trying. But also in fairness, they were horrible. Nick and Don, on the other hand, have enough gold and are ready to go. They seem very laid-back and happy as they leave for the market (and first the U-Turn). TK and Rachel are just showing up at last, ready for mining.
Nate and Jen choose not to U-Turn anyone. "We're going to win this like frickin' men," Jen announces. That will be difficult, given her breasts and vagina. Seriously, why do women have to join in on that stuff, you know? Just...pick something else. Pick something that doesn't hurt the team, you know? They get the goat market clue and leave.
Hey, Shana and Jennifer! They're finally ready to choose a Detour option, and they go for the Shaking Of The Booty.
Jason cheers Lorena up by making funny with the chicken. "What's up, chicken?" he asks. It's actually kind of cute, interestingly enough. "The chicken just said 'hurry,'" he announces gravely. And then he says to the driver, "Rapido!" It's very annoying, but given how far behind they are, I can kind of understand what he's trying to do, as far as lifting her spirits and stuff. If you watch this episode with the knowledge that they're an hour and a half behind and have no prospect of any improvement to their situation, they're pretty much just staying positive in hopes of something happening that probably won't happen. When they got no money, they probably knew it was a short leg on which they'd have little opportunity to make up time, you know?
TK is not as good at mining as Don, and he and Rachel seem to be just pawing through the mud rather than washing the stuff off with water. So that is going to take a lot longer.
Kynt and Vyxsin. "I'm going to improv a little bit, too!" says Kynt, which totally reminds me of the experienced Clay Aiken fans who kept grabbing my friend Jane Wiedlin's Boyfriend's arm at a Clay Aiken concert he was compelled to attend and warning him to "Get ready!" So...Kynt's going to improv! Get ready! His improv turns out to consist mostly of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Eyeliner-ish brandishing of his stick like it's a martial-arts weapon. Again, it's "creative," but he's not doing the dance. She is, though. The crowd really seemed to love them, and the judges do, too: "Congratulations, you are wonderful," says the judge. Aw. Wonderful! In fourth place, they leave for the market.
Unfortunately for those of us who are Nick/Don fans, they're wandering around, not really at the right place for the market, and the people they run into don't seem to know where they're supposed to be. Kynt and Vyxsin beat them to the U-Turn box, where they choose not to U-Turn anyone. Kynt clarifies that they'll "use it later." In the cab, Kynt says that to people in Africa, he and Vyxsin must look like "aliens," but everybody's been incredibly warm and friendly to them. time you see somebody lump all of "reality television" together, as if this show belongs in some sort of family with Rock Of Love, just keep that moment in mind.
Ron and Chris's penalty is up, so they're ready to leave. Shana and Jennifer are ready to learn the dance. Ron and Chris get to the U-Turn (and don't use it), but Nick and Don, at last, are right behind. They take off running, and they get there right after Ron and Chris. It does appear that Nick carries both packs a decent amount of the time, but he's doing fine, and he and Don are finally in their cab and on their way.
Speaking of "finally," TK gets to the part of the gold pit where all the gold is. Even as they happily find some gold, they fret about the fact that the dancing people are probably all finished.
Shana and Jennifer's dance. Man, this is embarrassing. It involves crawling on the ground. And very little of the dance they're supposed to be doing. And gyrating pelvises. And stripper-pole moves. They get their clue, so apparently this dance met the requirements, which is so gross, because...it just is. I'm insulted as a woman, as an American, and as a very bad dancer.
So the way things stand now, both TK and Rachel and Shana and Jennifer are approaching the U-Turn box. As it turns out, Shana and Rachel are ahead, and they see TK and Rachel behind them. But, probably not figuring that TK and Rachel could have gone from almost half an hour ahead of them to behind them in such a short time, they figure that the couple behind them is Jason and Lorena. So this makes them believe, quite reasonably, that they're barely staying out of last place. (When, of course, Jason and Lorena are still way, way behind.) Jennifer doesn't want to use the U-Turn, but Shana assures her that (1) it's a game; (2) the other team will understand; and (3) the other team would, if necessary, do the same. It's a surprisingly level-headed response for a woman who...well, you know. TK can see as he approaches that they're U-Turning someone, and he just hopes it's not him.
Back from commercials, Shana and Jennifer announce that they're U-Turning Jason and Lorena. TK still wants it not to be him. As the ladies leave the U-Turn, they do take a moment to note, "That's a really good picture of us!" You know, the one that's stuck on the U-Turn sign under "Courtesy Of." I love that they have the time to notice this; it's like, "Whee! Remember how pretty we are?" Shana interviews that they thought it was Jason and Lorena right behind them, so that's what they thought they were doing, was staying out of last place. Really, this is what they should do no matter who they think is behind them. They're far enough back that this is likely to be the better of the two chances they'll have to use it, so they might as well, and the only right team to U-Turn is the team in last place. TK and Rachel get to the clue box and are happy that it's not them U-Turned. TK interviews that this was a bad strategic move for Shana and Jennifer, because now there's "a target" on them. Okay, here's the thing: if anybody else has any sense, they're going to use any future U-Turn or Yield or whatever in whatever manner makes the most strategic sense for them, and not as a way to get revenge on Shana and Jennifer. It's just...it wouldn't be logical for anyone to "target" Shana and Jennifer. They've done the only "bad" thing they can do to anyone, in all likelihood, so there's no point in going after them except for revenge, and why would anyone do that? It just doesn't make sense.
At any rate, Shana and Jennifer and TK and Rachel get in taxis for the goat market. In the taxi, Shana says that she thinks they had totally no choice in the matter. Jennifer, however, thinks "karma's a bitch." Yeah, there's really no such thing as that, except as an after-the-fact source of amusement. She knows that doesn't really happen, right? I wonder. "That's not a 'bad karma' thing," Shana correctly points out. "That's a part of the game." Well, seriously. Tell that to everybody who's ever been Yielded, please.
Jason and Lorena arrive at the Detour (finally) and choose to Shake Their Booty. They might as well, you know? You're almost certainly being eliminated; you want to dance, or dig in the mud? Tough choice, not.
On the way to the goat market, Azaria and Hendekea see a bunch of goats in a basket, and the way they are strapped down, all tangled up with each other, is...uncomfortable to look at. I don't blame them for finding that a little jarring; I certainly did. It's kind of Hieronymus Bosch for goats. Hendekea, however, correctly notes that they're going to the market to be sold for food anyway, so "they have a reason to cry." Heh.
Azaria and Hendekea and Nate and Jen are at the goat market with their chickens in hand. Azaria and Hendekea get the clue, which is for a Roadblock asking who wants to do a "juggling act." In this Roadblock, the person has to load up a bike with a big load of supplies, including what Phil calls "a potentially uncooperative goat." Each person has a different vendor to track down in the market to deliver the supplies. Azaria takes it for his team, and Jen takes it for hers. Azaria starts to load up his bike from his list, which includes blankets, a plant, big containers of liquid, sticks, teakettles, hoops of twine, and -- the topper! -- "a goat in a basket." ("Step One: You cut a hole in a basket...") Azaria and Jen both load up their bikes, including their goats, which are lying down in what appear to be plastic laundry baskets.
Back at the dancing, Lorena and Jason are finally trying their hardest to impress the judges. They appear to rely on some down-up hopping, and in an interview, Jason says that he first fell in love with Lorena watching her dance. In the end, they do successfully complete the dance and get their clue, although Jason compares the tense wait for a decision to being on American Idol. Heh. They get the clue -- "U-Turn Ahead" included.
Up ahead, TK and Rachel are right behind Shana and Jennifer, still. And then they pass them. So there's that.
Azaria and Jen get loaded up and leave. It turns out that a lot of the struggle here is just asking locals for help finding your vendor. The two of them are sort of right together as they get going out into the market.
Kynt and Vyxsin, Nick and Don, and Ron and Christina are arriving at the Roadblock. Vyxsin takes it, as do Christina and Nick.
And here come Jason and Lorena up to the U-Turn sign. Lorena allows that she's "pissed," but frankly, they seem mostly frustrated and focused on getting back in the race. I'm not sure they're as appalled as the show might have you believe.
Azaria and Jen going through the market. Jen interviews that this was really serious "culture shock" for her, because she speaks zero French, so she was kind of helpless. It appears that Azaria knows a small amount of French, maybe, and he finds his way to his vendor first. When he gets his clue, it tells the team to travel to the Hotel De Ville in Ouagadougou. Phil says that this is where the mayor's office is, and it's also where the pit stop is. Jen finds her vendor, too, so she and Azaria return pretty much simultaneously. Vyxsin, Chris, and Nick are still loading up their bikes as Azaria and Hendekea and Nate and Jen take off for the hotel in taxis, just about neck and neck. Azaria asks his driver not to let Nate and Jen pass. In a hilarious-bordering-on-cute scene in the cab, Nate tries to kiss Jen, and she's like, "I can't touch," because she's all sweaty, but then she says, "Okay, touch me, touch me," and she allows him to give her a smooch. Aw. There's something kind of needy and demanding about "you may kiss me now," but there can also be something kind of nice about it.
So Jason and Lorena slog through the mining leg of the Detour. They dig out gold from their pan.
Ron yells at Chris in Chinese as she tries to load up stuff on the bike. Vyxsin's bike tips over, and Kynt helpfully narrates that...the bike tipped over. Nick is ready to go, and he leaves in the direction he saw other people going. Chris leaves after him.
Lorena and Jason get more gold.
TK and Rachel get the Roadblock clue, followed closely by Shana and Jennifer. Rachel and Shana take it. Kynt kibitzes way too much about how maybe Vyxsin should have picked a different bike, until Vyxsin says through her teeth, "Okay, you know what, honey? A bit late for that." I think he's about to find himself on the losing end of a hurled goat. As TK and Jennifer kick back, she talks about how bad she felt about U-Turning Jason and Lorena, and how they did it thinking TK and Rachel were those two. He says he "wouldn't have made that decision." He's stupid, then, because it's the right decision to make.
Jason and Lorena turn in their gold. They can leave, finally. Yay! TK tells Jennifer that should Jason and Lorena catch up, Shana and Jennifer "have a target on [their] backs," blah blah, and it really, really, truly barely matters who puts a "target" on whom in this game, as we've often said, so can we stop with the Survivor talk?
When we return, Nick and Chris are looking for their vendors, and Vyxsin is still trying to get the bike set up, as are Rachel and Shana. Jason and Lorena get the clue sending them to the goat market, and in the van, they try to stay chipper, and he talks about "not giving up." Back at the goat market, Nick, Chris, and Vyxsin are searching. Vyxsin interviews that the conditions she saw, as far as the trash and how dirty it was, were pretty disheartening, but she met a bunch of kids who were cheering and helping and leading her to where she wanted to be. Jennifer assures Shana that the goat she's packing up will not bite: "They ram you, they don't bite you!" Pardon me while I sit quietly, waiting for the "that's what she says about boyfriends" joke to pass. ["I would have gone with 'as you may have read in the men's room,' but suit yourself." -- Sars]
Azaria leans out of his cab to, it appears, taunt Nate and Jen, who are right behind him and Hendekea. I'm not sure that seems like a smart thing to do. Both of these teams are trying to gear up for a race to the mat. And then, we see Phil, who is waiting at the mat with a local greeter in a military-looking outfit. "Open the door!" Hendekea begins shrieking repeatedly, and she and Azaria hop out. And then Nate and Jen hop out and run also. And as they run, Jen screams, "Come on, you guys, you got first three times!" This is not true; they have gotten first twice. And, on top of that, who cares? Is there some quota of first-place finishes -- like two -- that requires you to stop winning prizes and let other people finish ahead of you? Does it only apply if it's close, or do you have to step away from the mat and wait an hour for a second-place team to arrive? Anyway, both teams book it to the mat. Azaria, for all his instructions to Hendekea that she needs to focus and pay attention, runs in the wrong direction, which I hope she will remind him of every Christmas for the rest of his life. She gets to the mat well before he does, and the race becomes one between Nate and Jen on one hand and Azaria on the other. He edges Nate by literally one step, although he at least bests Jen by a couple, so she can feel slightly less tormented about that. Both teams submit their chickens to Phil, who repeats that "without a chicken, there's no check-in." Azaria and Hendekea win a pair of motor scooters, and Nate and Jen are checked in second. Phil tells Jen she seems to really want to come in first. "It's very frustrating," she says, and then she gives a chirpy, passive-aggressive shrug and says, "I want to come in first, heh-huh." She should stop here, but she can't. "I mean, we just want it really bad, and...I just feel like everyone should get their time, and they've already had their time two times before this." Oh, Lord. Is she serious? It's like youth baseball, where everybody plays and you have to step aside to let the little kids get a hit once in a while? Come on, lady. My guess, honestly, is that she probably felt really embarrassed about this, like, ten minutes later, but at the time, she simply could not keep her frustration from bubbling up. I think it's very unlikely that she would say that under normal circumstances; she doesn't really believe what she's saying. But she's so frustrated that she can't think quite straight. Hendekea says that she loves them and everything, but...well, she says the obvious, pretty much, which is that she didn't feel obligated on a show called The Amazing Race to slow down and let someone finish ahead of her.
Jennifer prods Shana to go faster, while Nick drops off his stuff and gets his clue. Christina gets her clue also. And then Vyxsin does the same.
Jason and Lorena are in their cab, and again, if you know how far behind they are, you can dig the fact that they're pretty much having a good day knowing that they have to hope for a non-elimination.
Finally, Rachel takes off with her bike as Shana continues to struggle, prodded by Jennifer, who sees Chris, Nick, and Vyxsin returning. In the cab on the way to the pit stop, Vyxsin has herself a cry over the experience of slogging through the garbage and the difficult surroundings, very much the way people often have in India. She says this was the first day when she felt kind of settled into Africa, and it really threw her for a loop. She talks about how hard it is for her to see people where somebody has to realize that "this is it for you," and there's a danger there of assuming that people's lives are miserable or hopeless because they aren't like your life, and of undervaluing their families and traditions and culture and things they care about and undoubtedly gain happiness from, simply because they're surrounded by what Americans would often consider intolerable conditions. But her impulse is unquestionably generous, and her sincerity is very sweet. Kynt gives her a little hug as she breaks down crying.
Shana and Rachel are trying to get directions as Jason and Lorena continue in their cab toward the goat market. Jason tells us there's "no doubt in [his] mind" that they'll stay in, and the editors do all they can to build suspense by showing what a tough time Rachel and Shana are having talking to the locals and finding the vendors.
We return from commercials, and Rachel and Shana are still lost. Nick and Don and Ron and Chris are nearly to the pit stop. Chris and Ron edge out Nick and Don in spite of the fact that Ron's hernia is hurting him, so they're team number three. Nick and Don are team number four. Don says they're "steadily moving up the ladder." I think they're my favorite team right now -- that's a really nice piece of casting.
Shana finally gets her clue, and Rachel does, too. When Rachel turns to go back, though, she's immediately lost again. Shana returns before she does, and she and Jennifer review their clue. Before they leave, Shana breaks the news to TK that Rachel was headed in the wrong direction last time Shana saw her. Rachel, meanwhile, explains that she has "no clue" where she is. Jason and Lorena? Still approaching.
Kynt and Vyxsin turn over their chicken and check in as team number five. Phil asks them how they do in Africa, and Kynt says everybody is really nice to them. "This is just unbelievably...you know, life-altering, and amazing," Vyxsin singsongs adorably. She interviews that she finds some of it "heartbreaking," and that even in a race, you can't help taking note of what you're seeing. She says that "seeing such wonderful people have so little" was very hard for her. She hugs her chicken. Aw.
Jason vows, in his taxi, that if he's not eliminated, he's "going to screw over the blondes." But not right now, because the blondes are being checked in as team number six. So now, it's down to TK and Rachel and Jason and Lorena. Rachel gets some directions, and she makes it back to TK at last. He reads the clue while reassuring her that it's all fine, and he does seem to have some talent for this, and I think he makes her feel better. They leave in their taxi, so now things are not so good for Jason and Lorena.
The nice music that begins playing as Jason finally starts the Roadblock is your first clue that this is their farewell. Lorena voices over about how much she adores him, and certainly, that's your second clue. "I love Jason," she beams in an interview. They get their pit stop clue.
But here are TK and Rachel, checking in as team number seven.
In their cab, Lorena kisses Jason sadly, because she knows that nothing has happened that would cause them to pass anyone unless something incredibly unlikely has occurred entirely outside their field of vision. They undoubtedly haven't seen another team all day, and that's a tough way to go out. "We'll make a million dollars another way, okay?" he says. She smiles. He also tells her that she ought to look around her at the people who live here and realize that "money doesn't make you wealthy." Wow. Deep thoughts. She smiles and agrees. They get to the pit stop. Welcome, Jason and Lorena. You are the last team to arrive, and you are out. She's a little weepy. She tells Phil that she wants them to stay together and "make that million dollars ourselves." By way of summing up, she interviews that she really wants to get married, and it's important to her, but she doesn't have to get married right this minute. Jason, on the other hand, interviews that marriage is confining, and that love is more meaningful when you're both "free." Free to...do what? Keep one foot out the door? Anyway, he thinks that love is deeper when you're not married. That's a cheerful little ending!