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Probably a little tense in the old Ronald and Christina house this morning, huh? Yikes. So remember how, in the premiere, Ron was sort of dorky and goofy, trying a little too hard with the singing but very endearing with the repeated vows not to let down his daughter? Well, this week, he's really mean to her. Apparently, you can't let down your daughter, but you can put down your daughter. The teams travel to Amsterdam, where they take on this weird Detour that involves either hoisting heavy objects on a pulley or hunting ceaselessly for marked bicycles. Ron, "awesomely," complains about both tasks, seemingly believing that they should refuse to do either. He gets all up in her grill right in the middle of the street, in front of other teams, and tries to read her out, at which point she tells him to stop being such a dick (I am paraphrasing). By now, these two, Julia and Marianna, and Pat and Kate are in a clump bringing up the rear, so it seems fairly clear that one of them will be the first to go. When Pat and Kate miss a bus and have to take a later one, it seems that their number is up. The teams complete a Roadblock that provides the cheapest laughs of the season by dumping both Shana and Nathan's Jennifer into the mud up to their impeccable eyebrows, but the real star is Grandpa Donald, who strips to his skivvies and kind of scares everybody to death. Christina, of course, is subjected to a stream of unhelpful advice as she tries to complete the Roadblock, and then to a crack about her weight (!) as she and her dad make their way to the pit stop. In the end, Pat and Kate are Philiminated, but as it happens, they have concluded that God doesn't take a particular interest in whether or not they win a million dollars (!!), so they're not offended or anything. It's nice to see some people with their priorities straight, Ronald. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Donkeys Famous For Things Other Than Saying "Waffles" In Eddie Murphy's Voice: Teams flew from L.A. to Ireland, where they encountered a couple of different bicycles and a good variety of temperamental donkeys. Kynt and Vyxsin tried to convince everyone that they were truly Goth by saying "Goth" a lot and most likely being the inventors of the entire concept of the Goth pun, while Jason and Lorena went up against Nate and Jen to win the award for Couple Most Likely To Be Long Since Kaput And Already Hooking Up With Disease-Ridden Big Brother Contestants By This Time Year. Nate struggled to find G-rated ways to swear at his girlfriend, missing the fact that "God bless it" is so G-rated that God Himself is like, "Weak sauce, dude." Ron and his daughter Christina seemed to be having a nice time...so far. (Foreshadowing!) Ari and Staella and Nate and Jen both had staggering donkey meltdowns, and ultimately, brother and sister Azaria and Hendekea came in first, while best friends Ari and Staella made an absolutely delightful first boot, because seriously, no. No to the pincushion hair, no to calling yourself a giant bitch, just no. Ten teams left. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. Wow, Kynt and Vyxsin are enjoying the hell out of that head-turn, aren't they? It's like, "Look! Over there! EMO KIDS! Eat them!" In other news, I am taking this space to tell you that I just got my favorite bob of all time at this place, so if you're in New York and you like a cute bob, or you enjoy a friendly, not-too-hipstery atmosphere and very attentive and friendly stylists, I highly recommend them. They'll give you a glass of wine and a scalp massage that will make even the longest of weeks drain away. Ask for Nikki. [BOMP.]
The extremely green and extravagantly rolling hills of Ireland are our opening backdrop this week, as Phil explains. Phil, who is hopefully accustomed by now to having his fashion choices dissected like Charlie Sheen's Gmail account, is sporting a so-so black jacket as he tells us that the teams are pitstopping in this "rich and rugged landscape" at the Connemara Heritage Center. They have no idea what's in store! They think this is What Not To Wear! Won't they be surprised! Phil wonders whether Kynt and Vyxsin can continue to play strong, and whether Nate and Jen can stop arguing long enough to race a little better. I, personally, am wondering whether Nate will come up with anything new that Jen is "the worst person" at, now that he's covered "carrying a backpack in the fog." You know, now that I look, I would also wonder whether Nate will make a decision about the facial hair, as far as whether he's shaving or not shaving, because in the pit-stop shot from last week, he kind of looks like he took one swipe down his face with a razor and then decided that would do it. Nate can't commit! It's a theme, you see.
12:00 AM. Azaria and Hendekea. He does a cute little The Price Is Right wave over the clue envelope, although Wing's sister Toque would tell you that he needs to tap the envelope more. Everyone knows the correct choreography goes, "Sweep, sweep, flourish, tap tap tap." (It used to end with "remove Barker's hand from your tuchus," but he's gone now.) The clue instructs them to fly to Amsterdam, which Phil says is "nearly 600 miles." When they land, they'll take a train to Amsterdam Central Station, and then they'll get out and search the canals for a bridge with a name so long, it seems like they might be kidding about it. The Netherlands are notorious pranksters, you know. As they leave, Hendekea interviews that her brother is pushy, and she's out to prove something to him. Hey, I bet it's that he doesn't need to be so pushy.
12:08 AM. Kynt and Vyxsin. We learn that they're getting $59 for the leg. Barely enough for eyeliner! Man, even I am already tired of these jokes. Is it possible that without the pink hair and the eyeliner, these people are sort of boring? As they drive, Kynt hypothesizes that everyone will love them in Amsterdam. They get along great with hookers and potheads! In an interview, he says that in the game, you're often "completely in the dark," and Vyxsin adds, "Usually, of course, the dark is Kynt and my favorite place in which to dwell." Gah. You know where I like to dwell, Vix? The Land Where Things Aren't Quite That Ratzafrazzing Barfy. Pay us a visit sometime.
12:15 AM. TK and Rachel. He says in an interview that his relationship with Rachel is far more important to him than the race. Hey, that's no kind of attitude! That won't cause any fighting at all! He says they really want to enjoy all these places they're going that they haven't gotten to see before. "Amsterdam, that's gonna be bitchin'," she says. Somehow, I think they will be the team most at home in Amsterdam. Call me crazy. This, of course, is that I suspect them of being regular enjoyers of wooden shoes.
1:15 AM. Lorena and Jason. He tells us that the idea of all the challenges of the race is to "start connecting." He hopes it will begin to occur any time now. Until then, he's going to be connecting with that voice of hers, which is about as pleasant as connecting with a five-year-old squeaking his fingers across a balloon and laughing.
1:35 AM. Nicolas and Donald. In an interview, Nicolas says that he would never yell at his grandpa to hurry up. He does say, however, that Donald sometimes tends to "have an attitude sometimes of going slowly." I'd be interested to see what would happen if Nick did yell at his grandpa to hurry up. Somehow, I'm thinking a belt would be involved. And a buckle mark. And Nick's teeth in a jar.
1:57 AM. Shana and Jennifer. Shana interviews with great seriousness that the race has been "a shock to [their] systems," because she hasn't had a facial or a manicure. She obviously planned that line, and she should have saved it a little longer, because nobody believes she doesn't typically go three days without a facial and a manicure. In other news, Jennifer can't figure out how to keep the brights on in the car, and the squawking horn music on the soundtrack suggests that she's dumb, but if you don't know how to work the particular brights on a particular car, that's an easy thing to struggle with. I don't know how many times my exit from the rental-car place has been delayed because I can't get the window down to give the guy in the booth my paperwork. Hey, shut up.
Donald hits a curb, and they get a flat tire. So that's one used-up and deflated thing we'll be seeing out of Grandpa during this episode. I wonder if there will be any others.
2:46 AM. Ronald and Christina. As they're about to get in the car, she realizes she doesn't have the fanny pack, so she goes back to get it. He kind of razzes her, but hey -- better now than at the airport, right? She's sort of doing the right thing, which is making sure she has everything before she leaves. One would almost think that perhaps, he's a little bit hard on her. I wonder if they're going anywhere with that.
2:47 AM. Kate and Pat. Here's Kate: "We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race." Swooooooon. Hey, they like the same God I like! Our God is a busy God. I love the way Pat goes, "No?" all sarcastically, and then she opens her mouth and laughs, all, "Hotcha!" It's like they find the very idea that you'd ask God to hand you a reality-show victory completely ridiculous and (I'm guessing) sort of sacrilegious. I have a funny feeling that they've had a chance to refine their vision of faith beyond "a rainbow is a symbol of God's promise." They follow Ron and Christina, and Ron pronounces himself "in control of leading." I think he meant to say "in control of being in charge of taking over leading." In any event: settle down, Bossypants.
Nicolas and Donald are working on replacing their tire when Shana and Jennifer go by. Nicolas opines that these particular women would likely not be helpful with the tire. As she and Jennifer blow by, Shana says that of course, if someone looked injured, they'd stop. And...use their bodies to flirt the person to health? Hey, they're compassionate! THEY'RE NOT ROB AND AMBER, you know! Finally, Nicolas and Donald get their tire fixed and get on their way.
2:59 AM. Marianna and Julia. Aaaand you get nothing from them right now. Their luxuriant hair will have to be enough.
3:00 AM. Nate and Jen. Nate interviews that Jen forces him to be on his "A-game" at all times. "It's on like Donkey Kong from here," Jen says in the car, and I add: "In bed." Which is a little unsettling, with the suggestion of ladders and rolling barrels.
It appears that Marianna and Julia have taken the slower way toward the airport, while Nate and Jen have the faster way. Speaking of the airport, let's go there now, where Azaria and Hendekea are arriving, with Kynt and Vyxsin just behind. For some reason, we see a little interview in which Hendekea insists that Kynt and Vyxsin are "serious competitors." I don't know if we were supposed to not know that or not believe it or what, but...there you go. Hendekea also says that Kynt has "some serious adrenaline." Well, you know what they say about Goths -- they're full of pep! These two teams head to the Aer Lingus counter, which will open at 6:00 AM. TK and Rachel arrive , then Lorena and Jason.
Elsewhere, Ronald and Christina and Kate and Pat decide to pull over to a little inn, where they manage to get on the internet. Christina finds some information about flights, but at the same time, the fifth team to arrive at the airport is Shana and Jennifer. Ron bugs Christina while she's trying to use the computer, and as they and Kate and Pat are pursuing this option, Nate and Jen fly by on the way to the airport -- where, by the way, Nicolas and Donald are arriving. It looks like the teams trying to use the internet don't even really do anything before getting up and leaving, and that's not really what you want to do this close to opening time. You need to purchase; you don't waste time on the information side if you can't purchase, if you know it's close to the time other people will get to the airport and buy tickets. In their car, Kate and Pat worry that Ron is being a little bit too much of a jackass with his daughter, not to put too fine a point on it. "I'm hoping she's not having a miserable time," Pat says. That's...optimistic?
In the Nate/Jen car, she's all excited about getting to the airport and hopefully being ahead of Marianna and Julia, who she's pretty sure took a different route.
Azaria and Hendekea and Kynt and Vyxsin request tickets through Dublin that will apparently get them to Amsterdam at 12:15. Jen and Nate arrive at the airport, and the caption says they're in sixth place, just as it said Nicolas and Donald were in fifth place, and isn't that wrong? Because...Azaria and Hendekea, Kynt and Vyxsin, TK and Rachel, Jason and Lorena, Shana and Jennifer, and Nicolas and Donald all got to the airport before Nate and Jen. And only Marianna and Julia, Ron and Christina, and Kate and Pat are behind them. So that would make Nick and Don sixth, and Jen and Nate seventh. It would be nice if the show could get the placements right. If nothing else, it would make me feel like less of a dork over here if I weren't the only person who knew what place everyone's in.
The teams ascertain that there's only room on the Dublin-Amsterdam flight for six teams. And now, Nicolas and Donald break the news to Nate and Jen that they probably won't get on the flight, which is right, so didn't somebody watching the episode compare that with the on-screen placements they were just giving where Nate and Jen were allegedly sixth? It's not a big deal, but it looks all raggedy when I can keep up with the placements better than the captioners.
But now, the placements get even more nonsensical, because Ron and Christina are inside the airport, and then we cut to the parking lot, where Kate and Pat are getting out of their car and are captioned "currently in 7th place." No. Not seventh. Ninth. Who got drunk in post-production, people? Lay off the vodka tonics. As they get out of the car, Kate reveals that Pat is a cancer survivor, but shockingly, this doesn't blossom into a self-pitying rant about how she's more equipped for the race than anyone else. They missed a few lessons at Reality TV School, that's for sure. Meanwhile, teams inside buy tickets. And this is where I realize that there are two lines going, because the last set of tickets is going to go to either Nate and Jen or Nicolas and Donald, depending on whose ticket agent is faster. Owing to the general hostility of the universe, it's Nate and Jen's agent who's faster, so their incredibly shitty performance of the last episode is entirely erased as of this moment. Somewhere, their donkey is rolling his eyes, like, "I did my best; what happens from here is out of my hooves."
The first flight to Dublin is getting ready to leave, and this is the flight that allegedly had space for everyone -- it was Dublin/Amsterdam that didn't. And as Ron and Christina and Kate and Pat are running for the flight, Marianna and Julia are just getting to the airport, and they're not even making this initial flight, even a little. So their route to the airport was not so good. They also learn that everybody else is on the 7:00 AM to Dublin. Which, of course, isn't going to matter if other teams can't get on the connecting flight, and they can get to Dublin soon, which I'm thinking they probably can. The first flight leaves for Dublin, with Marianna and Julia the only team left behind in Shannon. (My Music Stylist: "Oh, Marianna and Julia. Well, you'll still be in bikinis in the credits.") On the plane waiting to leave, Kate and Pat talk about the fact that it seemed like they were hopelessly behind, and now it seems like Marianna and Julia are even worse off than they were.
The flight gets to Dublin, and Nicolas and Donald are on the run, because they got themselves on standby for the flight to Amsterdam, so they're trying to get on. If they don't get this, they'll wait an hour and a half. When they finally find the standby counter, they're told to wait, and Nicolas stresses to the lady -- currently waiting on a nice-looking young girl with glasses who looks a little flummoxed by the burst of activity -- that they can't wait, because someone else will get on the list ahead of them. "You'll have to wait," the agent repeats. Ron and Christina are apparently on standby, too, because they're on their way up to the same counter. They get to a separate station at the same counter and ask for standby, with Ron interviewing that he's in salesperson mode all the time, so his theory is "to be very polite." We'll see. Nicolas is hovering over his ticket agent, and he's just skirting the edge of being way too pushy, and then he says to her, "Please move faster," and that's right over into being way too pushy. It's interesting, because he just lost out at the Shannon airport as a result of the agent there being too damn slow, so you can understand his frustration here; it's just not probably a productive approach he's taking. The agent kind of chuckles, like, "Whatever, dick," so I don't think she's really angry as much as she's just over it, kind of. She agent tells them to step aside and wait to get a call if they can get on. Preposterously, Ron decides to get all bent out of shape, insisting in an interview that Nicolas made them look bad in front of the agent. It's clearly very hard for Ron to just admit that he thinks he knows how everything should be and has a hard time not telling everyone how to behave all the time.
So, for no apparent reason, Ron strolls over to Nicolas and his grandfather and starts lecturing Nick on etiquette. This is so incredibly none of his business, not to mention the fact that Nick already has his grandpa with him, so this carries a veiled insult to Donald, suggesting as it does that he's not doing his duty keeping the kid in line. Not to also mention, of course, that by the end of thie episode, it's going to be clear that giving speeches on public comportment is not a line of work for which he's qualified. Really, unless Nick threw some enormous tantrum that we didn't see that qualified as abusive or threatened an international incident, the fact that he was a little pushy is nobody's business but his own and his partner's, and the fact that it rarely pays off to make service people angry is the only consequence Nick needs to have imposed on him. I have no idea where Ron gets the nerve for any of this, and his poor daughter, understandably, is instantly and horribly embarrassed. When he just won't shut up, she takes over, trying to smooth things over by just telling Nick that the lady behind the counter commented that he was rude, and that's what her dad is reacting to. Remarkably, Nick -- who was impatient at the counter, but who I think was clearly raised right -- keeps his temper as Ron comes back and starts lecturing him again. He's extremely polite in trying to respond, saying, "Let me speak for a second, sir." And the "sir" doesn't come out snotty; it comes out genuine.
Christina is desperately trying to diffuse this, because she's humiliated, and because she doesn't want her team to become the team everyone hates just because her dad can't get along with people. Nick interviews gently that he couldn't really do anything except just sit there and let Ron run his mouth. Which is true, and sad, and not Christina's fault, and fortunately, they don't seem to blame her. Painful, that whole exchange. There's a little moment where, after Ron stomps away, Nick looks at Christina and smiles and says, "He's stressed out." Like, her dad was just a dick to him, but Nick feels for her enough that what he does, instead of getting mad, is essentially communicate to her that nobody's holding it against her, or even against him -- whether or not that's true. I really sense that Nick is good people. Another note: I was super-impressed at how Donald stayed completely out of that and let Nick handle it, even though he clearly has plenty of fire in the belly and easily have jumped in and caused it to escalate.
At the Dublin airport, the first flight to Amsterdam is getting ready to go. Nicolas and Donald and Ron and Christina are still waiting for standby news. As it turns out, there are...only seats for one team, and Nick and Don get them. I like to think of that as karmic payback for that last sequence. And apparently, they weren't so rude that they actually hosed themselves out of seats. Ron pronounces that this "sucks." Well, that is what a salesman would say, in order to be polite. So the first flight to Amsterdam brings Kynt and Vyxsin, Azaria and Hendekea, Jason and Lorena, Jen and Nate, Shana and Jennifer, and Donald and Nicolas.
Hey, it's Marianna and Julia, arriving in Dublin at last! Awesomely, Kate gives an interview in which she says that she and Pat were sitting at the gate, thinking the sisters were totally screwed and way behind them, when they saw Marianna and Julia. She says, "We were like, 'Hey, how are you! [Bitchface].'" Hee, I love them. The number of ordained clergy who will (1) put up with the bullshit that being lesbian ordained clergy entails; (2) go on The Amazing Race; and (3) admit that they make mean faces at other people's good fortune is not large. I'm glad they're here. So the way this ends up, Ronald and Christina, Pat and Kate, and Marianna and Julia are on a trailing flight to Amsterdam together, pretty sure that one of them will be the team to go.
Amsterdam, 12:15 PM. Here's that first flight. Azaria and Hendekea run for the train, figuring they can pay when they're on the train. Which you can do some places, but...counting on that, I don't know. If there's no turnstile or anything that forces you to pay in advance, then maybe so. A bunch of the other teams stop to actually buy tickets at a booth, and they all wind up missing the lead train by a very narrow margin. When Azaria and Hendekea get off the train, it's not made clear whether they ever actually bought any tickets, but they're in the lead in any event. The other teams are pretty close behind, but the brother and sister get to the Long Long Name Bridge first and find the clue box. The clue inside is for a Detour, where the choices are Hoist It and Hunt It. Phil explains that in Hoist It, you use "a traditional rope-and-pulley system" to lift five pieces of furniture up to an apartment a few floors up. This task is nearby, so at least there's no traveling. Nevertheless, the words "traditional rope-and-pulley system" would immediately cause me to turn to absolutely anything else, because what the locals have learned over hundreds of years of practice, I would be trying to learn in thirty seconds with a camera on me, and I would undoubtedly wind up hog-tying myself and shipping myself to Moscow by accident. In Hunt It, you walk a few blocks to a parking ramp, where you search thousands of bikes (ugh) for a pair that are marked with a sticker in the same colors you have. So that part is essentially Huffy-in-a-haystack. Then you ride the bikes five miles to a guy with a clue. Azaria and Hendekea pick the bikes, with him interviewing that he didn't really want to get into the knot-tying and the heavy furniture and whatnot.
Jason and Lorena and Kynt and Vyxsin get to the clue box , and they both take the hoisting, since it's right nearby. Two guys give them demonstrations on how to tie the ropes around the furniture, and this is where I would start to get really worried. Vyxsin tells us, somewhat sheepishly, that she stayed on the ground to do the knot-tying, because she "used to macramé." Reeeeally. How arts-and-craftsy! I bet she was the only Goth at Goth camp giving out friendship bracelets. Vyxsin is the first to get something lifted -- she starts with a baby carriage that's pretty light, so she can get the hang of it. Probably quite smart to learn the ropes (um, sorry) without having a lot of weight to lift.
Azaria and Hendekea arrive at the multiple-story parking ramp, and he's like, "Are you kidding me?" Because...you think you know what thousands of bikes look like, until you see...thousands of bikes. You know it will be bad, and then it's just so bad. It's like finally seeing Viva Laughlin, in that way.
Jason successfully lifts a TV, while Vyxsin struggles with the knot around the TV, with it being so much heavier than the baby carriage. Shana and Jennifer show up, and somewhat to my surprise, they decide to do the hoisting. Nate and Jen and TK and Rachel arrive, and they also decide to hoist. Nick and Don decide to look for the bikes. As TK and Rachel watch the demonstration of the knot-tying, she says she thinks she gets how to do it, and he looks really, really, really nervous. For whatever reason, though, as they start, he's the one on the bottom tying and lifting. Maybe they think she can't lift the stuff? Must be, because he's immediately in the weeds. Jason, on the other hand, totally has the hang of the knots, and he's almost done. Lorena says that the Detour was a great moment for them, because they cooperated very effectively at that moment. They finish up, and they get the clue that tells them to travel to a rural village called Ransdorp, where they'll search a "marked field" for a clue. Phil explains that this will be a bus ride, and Jason and Lorena leave.
Vyxsin is still trying to tie the knot around the TV.
Meanwhile, Azaria and Hendekea find the first of their marked bikes. There was a lot of hooting over the fact that he calls her "babe" here (as in, "Found it, babe!"), but...I don't know. I call a lot of people a lot of pet-like names, and it doesn't have to be sexy, particularly. Nick and Don are also now at the bike circus, looking for their bikes. They find one that doesn't quite match their clue, and I think they actually just found Azaria and Hendekea's second bike. Dun!
Shana and Jennifer do the hoisting. It's impressive that she can get the knots tied, but it really looks as she goes through the task like the one who's at the bottom is getting help from the guy who's supposed to be spotting her that goes beyond spotting her. Meanwhile, Vyxsin finally gets the TV tied up properly and lifts it up to the window. She interviews that she felt a little "Bugs Bunny" (hee) lifting a giant weight so that it was dangling over her own head. The TV does not fall and crush her so that she has to walk off like an accordion with her body playing "Lady Of Spain," so I think her worst fears did not come true.
Lorena and Jason are looking for the bus they need, but when they don't quite get it right the first time, they narrowly miss their bus and have to wait.
Nate and Jen's hoisting is going well, with four items done. And Vyxsin needs Kynt to do the last one, because she's tired. Meanwhile, Nate is struggling with the last item, which is the blasted TV. "You're a guy," Jen says. "You need to know how to do these physical things." I think she's actually trying to be funny, but it's totally not working, because he is in no mood. Meanwhile, TK calls over to Nate not to feel bad, because he can't even get started himself. Aw, it's like they're reassuring each other about their masculinity! That's adorable. And every knot that TK tries to tie is unsuccessful. I continue not to understand why he's doing it at all. Kynt lifts the clock, so he and Vyxsin are done.
Elsewhere, Don and Nick find one of their bikes, and Hendekea finds her second one. "That's what I'm talking about, baby girl!" Azaria yells excitedly. And: same as before. That didn't strike me as weird at all, but perhaps I am not on the lookout for incestuous overtones as much as some. They take off on their bikes.
Jen harangues Nate: "Nate, you can't pull it tight if it's not right on the TV." She gets angrier and angrier. "We're going to switch, because Nate cannot figure out for the life of him how to tie a knot [in bed]," she says with disgust, even though he did the first four pieces. Way to be supportive, bitch. Meanwhile, Shana finishes up the task, so good on her. Can't take anything away from that, even though I'm...kind of trying. She lies down on the ground and announces that she needs a chiropractor. Heh. They get their clue and leave for the bus.
Kynt and Vyxsin are directed to the #30 bus to Ransdorp. Jason and Lorena are still waiting.
Jen hoists the TV, so that's just another thing of which he will never hear the end. So they're done, and...still no love for TK at all. He's at square one.
Shana and Jennifer, Nate and Jen, and Jason and Lorena find themselves waiting at the stop for the #30 bus, but they don't see Kynt and Vyxsin yet. And here comes the bus, and while Kynt and Vyxsin run for it and try to make it, they don't quite, so they're not in the first little knot of teams.
Elsewhere, Nick and Don find their second bike, and they're off. Azaria and Hendekea are done with the bikes, and they're on their way to the bus.
As TK and Rachel continue to make zero progress, they begin to bicker. SWITCH, fools! Rachel's not that weak! I bet she's gotten into a few scrapes at the organic food store when they're almost out of spelt! She's got it in her!
Hey, remember the trailing teams? Marianna and Julia, Ron and Christina, and Kate and Pat are getting on the train to the bridge. Pat interviews that while there were teams out ahead of them, you never know when somebody's going to run into a huge problem. Cut, in a non-subtle fashion, to TK, who still can't get anything tied up and hoisted into the window. "Can you stop talking now?" he finally says to Rachel after she makes one too many attempts to help. "Babe, I don't know what to do," he says with resignation.
After commercials, TK still can't tie, so finally -- FINALLY! -- he and Rachel decide to switch off. Meanwhile, the little group of three screwed teams is approaching. Rachel gets the TV tied up, pointing out how proud her dad would be. I guess her dad was big into...knots. Or something. She doesn't gloat and TK doesn't begrudge as they both are just really relieved that she can hoist the TV up to the window. The three trailing teams hop off the train, and then we return to see Rachel hoisting her last item. That didn't take long, at least in TV time. They get done, so now they can go look for the bus. I hope they have a good excuse for waiting so long, and that in the future, she'll take some of these situations in hand instead of being so "supportive" that they wind up, like, trying to do tasks by feminist process.
Ransdorp. It does look like a rural town in the Netherlands, that's for sure. Nate and Jen, Jason and Lorena, and Shana and Jennifer hop off the bus, and the marked field is apparently right there, because they immediately conk into the clue box. The clue offers them a Roadblock. In this one, you do "ditch vaulting," which is essentially just what you'd think -- you use a pole to leap over a ditch full of mud. Roughly stated, Phil claims that the standard for successful completion is to touch both your feet to "the marshy grass" on the other side of the ditch. Not, you'll note, to avoid getting your feet wet at all. You get the clue on the other side, and then you come back to your partner, which you can do by wading through the muck or however you want. The clue asks, "Which of you is the acrobat?" so Jen takes it for her and Nate. Shana and Jason also are signed up. The first one to try is Jason, who does it so easily that if you blink, you won't realize he already went, which is what happened to me. I was actually asking, "Wait, what happened to Goatee Knitcapington?" Before you know it, he and Lorena have their clue, and they're off. The clue tells them to take what Phil calls a "Dutch cargo bike," which kind of looks like a bike with a smaller version of a little red wagon up front, to a marked drop-off spot at the Durgerdam Yacht Club, which will be the pit stop. Last team to check in, Phil says, just might be eliminated. Lorena hops in the basket part of the bike, and Jason pedals. No big surprise there. "I'm in a basket!" Lorena says happily. Can't get anything past her.
Jen's first attempt at ditch-vaulting dumps her into the mud so spectacularly, complete with her feet madly waggling in the air, scrambling for purchase before she flops full-on into the muck, that I officially clear her record up to this point. She has paid. She owes nothing more on the donkey. Clean slate!
Hey, Nick and Don are done with the bikes and get their clue for the bus. Azaria and Hendekea, Kynt and Vyxsin, TK and Rachel, and Nick and Don wind up on the same bus, which is interesting, because those teams have had really different fortunes in this episode, so it's interesting that they were close enough for it to come to this.
Loser teams find the bridge. All three, interestingly, choose the biking, although it takes Ron and Christina a while to get there. They start out thinking they'll do the hoisting, but as they watch the demo, he almost immediately starts complaining that he can't follow what they're doing. She assures him she understands it, and he tells her it's up to her in a way that promises that if anything goes wrong, he will blame her forever.
Shana gets over the ditch without getting dirty. I really shouldn't have underestimated the filth-surviving fortitude of a girl who's touched Ryan Seacrest on purpose, but she's been pretty impressive this episode. Nate feels the need to taunt Jen that Shana made it. "Nate, do not do that right now [in bed]!" she demands.
Ron and Christina. He declares that trying to do the hoisting is a waste of time. She takes a deep breath and says they can do the bikes, then, and he is equally pissy about that, starting in with his insistence that they have no idea where to go for that, which is undoubtedly also her fault. Gently, she says, "Let's just commit; let's go and ride the bikes." He follows her, puffing out his breath all put-upon.
As Ron and Christina walk to the bikes, now he's complaining about the bikes. "It's basically going to be a lot of...oceans of bicycles," he whines. "I am confident we'll find the right ones," she says, barely keeping it together because she has no choice.
Shana dumps herself in the mud on the way back, so maybe she can consider that her facial. "You're such a good sport," Jennifer laughs, and I have this weird episode of...liking them? Like, not liking them, but...we'll see. The jury is out. Bitchy, but out.
Finally, Jen is told that her attempt is good enough, even though one foot was pretty much in the water the whole time, as far as I could see. I think they feel sorry for her. Happily, she throws herself into the mud again on her way back, so now I owe her one asshole move! She gets a free one! Somehow, I doubt this credit will remain on her account for very long. When she's back, Nate talks about how proud he is of her. I am not convinced.
Jason continues to pedal Lorena in the little bike thing. She tells him she's her hero, but she manages to whine it, and seriously, the fact that she says praising things in that particular voice? Not a good thing at all. Shana and Jennifer and Jen and Nate are also biking. Jen provides the cars driving to her with access to a giant loogie. "That frickin' little bitch did it," Jen whines, presumably referring to Shana. And just like that, she's even again. That free pass really burned a hole in her pocket, didn't it? And now, we get our first awesome shot through a big bra hanging on somebody's clothesline as the teams cycle past. Somewhere, somebody in the Netherlands is like, "Oh my God...that's what all the cameras focused on my clothesline were about." Lorena and Jason arrive at the drop-off point, and they run over to Phil. Two little Dutch children welcome them to the mat. Only the boy gets to talk. They are welcomed as team number one, and they both interview about how they think this will be great for their relationship and so forth. Phil explains that their prize for coming in first is a three-wheeled, all-terrain sport bike. They look pleased, but she looks mostly amused, because I'm not sure she's an all-terrain-bike kind of girl, unless somebody else is pedaling.
Marianna and Julia are hunting for their second bike, and they feel like they've now seen stickers in every possible color combination except the one they want. Finally, they find the right one and get going. Kate and Pat are looking as well, and Ron and Christina are approaching.
Meanwhile, Nate and Jen and Shana and Jennifer arrive at the bike drop-off at about the same time, and Jen muddily and hilariously spazzes out all around the sign, trying to figure out where she's supposed to be running. It's a big, crazy circus of dumb, and then we're at the mat with the high suspense over...second place versus third place! OoooOOOOoooh! Nate and Jen are second, and Shana and Jennifer are third.
Ron and Christina find one of their bikes. Pat and Kate are still looking. "Hey, baby, love you," Pat says casually. "Love you more!" Kate calls out, and somehow, it manages not to annoy -- probably because I get the sense this is what they decided to do when they were in the middle of a really, really bullshit task that they did not like at all. Kate confesses that she's not sure she's paid as much attention all the way down this particular row as she should have, so Pat tells her to go back to the last place she was paying attention and start over. Uh-oh.
Marianna and Julia finish the bikes, so now they can look for the bus.
And Ron has decided to blame Christina for the bikes not working out, just as he made it clear he'd blame her for the hoisting not working out. "I told you this was ocean of things," he says angrily. "This is very frustrating." Christina breathes deep. "Daddy, the only way we're going to do well is to stay positive," she says. Pat and Kate find themselves a bike, so now they and Ron and Christina each have a bike. Back to father and daughter. "Come on, move it," he snaps at her. "Are you looking on the left, or right?" "You can look on the right," she tells him. "What are you telling me to do? I was looking on the left!" he says, really, really stormily angry. As they continue to argue, Pat chuckles to herself, then says, "The bad in me is coming out again." Kate asks what the bad is, and she says, "Seeing somebody else all frustrated." And, she does not add, being unable to stop giggling about it. Which would happen to me too. Who wouldn't laugh at, for instance, "I'm packin' it!"?
Marianna and Julia wait for the bus, with no idea, really, of where the other teams are.
Ron is hollering some blustery thing about optimism, and I think he's warming up to say optimism is bullshit, but then they see their other bike and grab it. So, good. Maybe he'll shut the fuck up. Pat and Kate once again think they lost their concentration while searching, so they're not quite done. Ron and Christina get directions from a helpful local. He asks her if she knows how to get there, and she says she does. He does this whole annoying "Okay, we'll be all optimistic" thing, and when she high-fives him halfheartedly, he starts giving her an "I'm just keeping it real" speech. And you know how I love that. He tells her he won't give her any "rosy picture." He says this: "I'm optimistic with the real truth flavor."
Pardon me while I throw up all over my copy of King Lear.
You can just see how tired Christina is -- not from this, but from her whole life. You can see, telegraphed in her face, that this is what she was afraid would happen, and dreaded would happen, and hoped wouldn't happen, and feels stupid for not realizing would inevitably happen. My guess is that this is every Thanksgiving for her, and every decision she's ever made that he didn't exactly and precisely approve of. This is her whole life, is this argument right here. Sometimes, you can tell people are surprised by fighting during the race, because it's an outlier in their relationship, but Christina is just disappointed that they didn't make it more than a leg and a half before he started in with this, which she has seen many times. She turns to him with remarkable calm, and she says that she'll temporarily take back her calls for optimism so they can keep going, but it's not enough, so he rails at her for giving him "crap" about how "only positive vibes will get you through." Christina calmly says, "I'm not going to ride and lead you unless you stop shouting." Good for her. "I'm trying to tell you the real truth that other people don't tell you, that you have boogers in your bone," says her father before stomping off. I think he meant "in your nose," but it sure sounds like it comes out as "in your bone," and...it's a dick thing to say anyway. It's like he says things like that thinking that the audience at home will find him adorable and endearing, which really, really is not going to happen. It doesn't come off as curmudgeonly and affectionate; it just genuinely seems mean.
Azaria and Hendekea, Kynt and Vyxsin, TK and Rachel, and Don and Nick get off the bus near the field. They read the clue about who the "acrobat" is. Kynt darkly says, "It involves the sheep over there." Ha! It would have been so great if the acrobatic task had involved jumping over a bunch of sheep, like Fonzie hurtling over a line of old cars. Rachel takes it, and Hendekea, and Kynt. They get a demo, and Don and Nick realize that they can kind of watch and see what the other teams are doing and what the Roadblock seems to be about before they decide. Kynt is horrified when he sees that the thing involves mud instead of sheep. "I'm not one of those 'get down and dirty' kind of boys," he says. You know, bud, if it weren't this, it would be something. The race usually gets dirty at least once.
On Hendekea's first attempt, she can't even really get a good grip on the pole, so she really just kind of jumps directly into the water. Rachel, on the other hand, gets it the first time. She sort of sits in the mud on the other side, but hey, it's close enough. Vyxsin tells Kynt he needs to hurry up and try, because Rachel's done. "Oh, I can do that," Don assures Nick. "Watch Pinky do it," Nick says to Don as Kynt makes his first attempt. Aaaand...he half-asses it and winds up in the mud. Can't act scared of the pole! (That's what she said!) (Or, that's what someone giving her sex advice said!) Vyxsin promises that they can "hose [him] off later." As Don heads off to try the Roadblock, Nick predicts that "that may be a costly decision." You know, you can argue with the choice, but you can't take your grandpa on the race and then act like he sucks too hard to do anything. You really can't. You have to let him try things, or you really shouldn't take him at all. Not to mention the fact that he's going to have a much better time if you actually let him do stuff. So mostly, I was pleased that Nick stood back, despite his doubts, and let this go. I think I have a little crush on him, which, frankly, is a little pervy, given my advanced age. I apologize! Kind of.
Finally -- finally! -- Kate and Pat find their second bike and can leave. Meanwhile, Ron and Christina collect the clue that directs them to the bus. Marianna and Julia are already at the bus stop, and Marianna interviews that they think Ron and Christina are on their bus, but they don't see Kate and Pat yet, so they're hopeful about that. As Ron and Christina wait for the bus, he says he wants to "decompress and reconstruct what we did wrong." You can bet that's really "what you did wrong." Hilariously and yet horrifyingly, Ron now castigates Christina for "vacillating" about what task to do. Considering that he complained bitterly about the prospect of doing either one, I have no idea how he does this with a straight face, but he does. "So you've got to be more decisive," he commands. She hears him out and then says, "Do we need to be more decisive, or do I need to be more decisive?" "You need to be more decisive," he insists, missing her point completely, "because I let you loose on this thing, and you basically disappointed me." Christina stands there, probably feeling like Lucy just pulled the football away again, feeling like a sucker for caring what he thought and putting herself in this position. Again.
After the commercials, we come back to find Christina asking to speak after being told that she disappointed her father. She tries to tell him how hard on her he's being. It's interesting, because there are really two ways to go here. One is to say, "I'm simply not going to tolerate you talking to me like this; I am an adult, and you can't talk to me like this." The other is to do what she's doing, which is to basically say, "You are being really, really mean and hurting my feelings." In a way, the way she chose is softer, a bit more naïve, and maybe a little more hopeful. It's like...you choose that because you believe that the person still cares whether he's hurting your feelings or not. She believes that her dad wants not to hurt her feelings, or she'd just tell him to knock it off and shut up. In a way, it seems to get to him, because he sort of shakes his head and then puts his arm around her. She tells him, "You really need to change that about yourself." He tells her "a 58-year-old man isn't easy to change." She doesn't back down or let him feel sorry for himself, saying instead, "But on this race, you need to make improvements overnight." Good for her. By putting it back into race talk, she kind of salvages it so it doesn't become nothing but a referendum on his entire history of parenting, because that wouldn't benefit anyone.
Finally, Kate and Pat get their clue for the bus at the end of the bike ride. The show implies that the bus Kate and Pat almost catch is the same bus Ron and Christina and Marianna and Julia are on; it's not clear to me whether that's actually true.
TK and Rachel are off toward the pit stop. Kynt is still vaulting. Hey, he successfully vaults! Good for him. In other news, Don's first attempt at getting over the water really doesn't go well at all. Nick does not kibitz. Kynt and Vyxsin are ready to leave on the bike.
Kate and Pat discover that bus #30 doesn't run in the evening, so instead, you get a mini-bus. That is not a good sign at all. Not at all.
Hendekea makes it across the ditch. As TK pedals Rachel in the bike basket, he remarks, "Man, you smell like poop." Way to get laid later, dude. Vyxsin boots Kynt out of the basket and tells him she's had enough and he needs to pedal for a while. For a minute, he kind of freezes and looks horrified, which...get over it, man. You have to pitch in, even though you're dirty.
Speaking of dirty, Donald has a lot of mud on him. A lot of mud. And he's decided to take everything but his underwear off to make it easier. Honestly, once your clothes get dirty and wet enough, it's not an impossible thing to understand. Nick stands back and says, very dryly, "I have no comment." Hee hee. I still think he's too young to fly a plane that doesn't run on a rubber band engine, but he's so cute.
TK and Rachel pedal right past the sign for the drop-off and the pit stop. In fact, they pedal right past the mat and Phil! Though Phil's not phacing them from the phront, so that's more understandable. Kynt and Vyxsin come up behind them and do spot the drop-off, so they head for the mat. Welcome, you are team number four! And you smell like poop. Azaria and Hendekea approach, and they get a local to point toward the yacht club where the pit stop is supposed to be, so when they run into TK and Rachel (who have turned around and apparently missed the pit stop again), they decide they'll all work together to get there.
Donald. Muddy grandpa. Into the water. "That had promise," Nick says supportively.
And here are Azaria and Hendekea and TK and Rachel on the mat as teams five and six. Nick and Don are still at the ditch, and Nick tells Don to step it up, because the third bus full of teams is arriving. It would appear that Marianna has done pole vaulting, so she's the clear choice for her team, and Christina takes it for her team. Nick tells Don to kick his legs up more as he goes over. "Kick your legs up, kick your legs up," Nick tells him as Don swings slooooowly over the ditch. He makes it, kind of, sort of, close enough, and the judges tell him he's done. Nick tells us that this shows that "frustration and anger pays off in the end." I knew I trusted that guy! As Marianna explains that indeed, pole vault was her event when she did track, we watch her sail over with no problem.
Naturally, as Marianna collects her clue, Ron begins to instruct Christina on every aspect of how to do this. She's very close on her first try, so she definitely has the basic idea of it. I mean, she's within three or four inches; there's nothing fundamentally wrong with her technique. Nick and Don are a bit ahead of Marianna and Julia as both teams leave on the bikes. Nick and Don, however, miss the sign for the drop-off. Marianna and Julia see it, so they're team seven. Don and Nick follow as team number eight. Phil says to Don, "There's been complaints from the locals, you got down to your underpants." As someone noted on the boards, you could watch a whole season just to hear Phil say "underpants," and it would be worth it. Don ominously says he wore less than that.
Sooo, here's Christina. Just as she's about to go, Ron stops her -- to an actual record-needle-scratch on the soundtrack -- to tell her that a girl is demonstrating how to do it down the ditch a bit. He lectures about the right technique, and placing the pole in the right place, and it's just not helpful at all. Again, she tries, and again, she's very close. Kate and Pat, meanwhile, are approaching the field in their Tiny Van Of Doom. Ron continues berating Christina for her technique, telling her she should have it more in the center, blah blah, and she finally says, "Daddy, I just need to concentrate." He says he hears her, but he ignores her and goes back to lecturing about the physics. She repeats, "Daddy, I just need to concentrate." This means: "Shut up." This time, she gets over. She gets her clue as her dad laughs and says, "I think I could have done it better." Well, of course you do.
They head for the exit. She sits in the little bike basket, and he's going to pedal. "How does that feel for you?" she asks. "It's okay," he says, adding, "You need to lose some weight." Wow, necessary. And smart! He bitches about the "crotchbuster" bike, making Christina feel more and more self-conscious the entire time. They land on the mat, and they are team number nine, and honestly, she doesn't look that happy that they're still in. I think part of her might have been ready to go home. She takes the best possible interpretation, saying that they both "want this so badly for each other" that it's making it hard. I don't really think that's what it is, honestly. He's kind of an overbearing prick, even if he's an overbearing prick who loves her. He tells us that he can be "crass" in how he treats her, calling himself "the Archie Bunker of the home," and unfortunately, I think he's a lot more prepared to address his conversational style, in terms of saying rude shit to her like "lose weight" and so forth, than he is to acknowledge that he's fundamentally unsupportive of her in a way that's really painful for her. He's chagrined, but I think he's chagrined about the wrong things, because if he knew enough to be chagrined about the right things, he'd stop doing them.
And now, Kate and Pat. Lovely and doomed. Kate has clearly tried a few times, judging by her muddiness, but she does get across. Pat says that what they learned is that they still have all kinds of fun together. Aw. That's cool. She says they wound up laughing hysterically a number of times, and they share a quick smooch while Kate is still all gross and muddy. "Sweetie, I gotcha," Pat says as they pile into the bike. "You deserve to be pushed all the way." And...that's what everybody wants, you know? "Sweetie, I gotcha."
They land on the mat and are eliminated. They say they really just wanted to be around longer, and then Pat says they just learned that they're meant to be together and "balance each other really well." And somewhere in the world, someone continues to believe that they are a threat to children. Just have to fit that in there. Because it's so goddamn stupid, and I kind of love this show for silently making that point again and again and again. Mostly, though, politics aside, they're just nice ladies who are nice ladies, and I'm glad they enjoyed the race while they were on it.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.