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As is customary for TAR finales, we will only say this: blah blah blah, BJ and Tyler win, ick. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: We had joy, we had fun, we had about seasons of hairy and non-hairy dudes I don't ever need to see again, even if they are carrying money at the time.
After the credits, in an unusual move, we go directly into the show, beginning with Phil's reintroduction to Bangkok. Look, tuk-tuks! I miss tuk-tuks. Anyway, Phil (in a gorgeous watermelon-colored shirt -- two thumbs way up!) would like you to know that Bangkok is an "exotic metropolis" full of "uniquely designed religious monuments"! And along one of the canals (I am non-proudly representing those who didn't know Bangkok had canals, because I am less cultured than vanilla yogurt), the Marble Temple. This was the eleventh (sort of) pit stop. Mandatory rest period! Eat! Sleep! If you recall, Ray and Yolanda won a trip at the end of the last leg, and this is their chance to enjoy it. Well, the beginning of it. See, they got to go to a fancy hotel, and they had the chance to go play with the hotel computer to plan their trip to Sydney. Let's look in on them right now! Because when you want breakneck action, you know what's awesome? Watching people type things on the computer. Don't you wish you could see me right now? Don't you? Watch this: QWERTY! Hilariously, we see all the mousing Ray and Yolanda are doing and none of the other overnight hotel room activities, meaning that somebody associated with this show doesn't know what to leave on the cutting room floor. Phil wonders whether they can continue "working well together" (bomp-chicka-bomp), or whether their "relationship issues" will impede their progress. No information is provided about whether they were able to get back and forth from the hotel bed to the bathroom without calling the front desk for directions. ("Left at the...lamp, sir.") Phil also wonders whether BJ and Tyler will regain their lead, or whether Eric and Jeremy will remain "consistent."
11:18 PM. BJ and Tyler. Their clue tells them to travel about 75 miles by taxi to the Royal Kraal, an elephant gathering place of some renown, where an "elephant in ceremonial dress" will hand over a T-Mobile Sidekick. Wait, I think I've had that dream. I read somewhere that it means you feel trapped between the corporate world and the elephant world. As they leave, BJ voices over that he, of course, expected when the race started that because they're so much smarter than everyone else and have more travel experience, they would naturally win every leg. He was surprised to find out that they were subject to the making of mistakes and wouldn't just "slaughter the competition." Only in the world of BJ and Tyler could that sentiment, which is basically "I am not quite as incalculably awesome as my life up until this point had led me to reasonably believe I was," qualify as an outpouring of humility. In their cab, Tyler talks about how now, they have no fear of being eliminated, and they are just racing for the finish line. I never need to hear Tyler say "losing the fear" again, I don't think. It makes me think of a movie where someone has a fatal disease and learns to love again. I am thinking as this scene concludes, "After this episode, I will never have to look at those stanky orange pants again." Their cab, incidentally, appears to be from a company called "Unseen." I wish.
1:21 AM. Eric and Jeremy. They take their $388 and wander off in search of a taxi. Eric, still wearing the dumb tuxedo-printed T-shirt that is attempting to operate at seven levels of irony and dropping the ball at about one and a half, tells us how the race at this point is about the two of them functioning as a team. They get a cab, and Jeremy promises they're "ready to win." Eric says in the cab that he's never seen elephants close up. Only on When Elephants Attack. I think I recapped that. No, wait, I'm thinking of the other most cerebral show Fox ever televised. In other news, Eric and Jeremy's taxi has Pooh paraphernalia in the back window.
BJ and Tyler find the elephants, but the elephant place doesn't open until 4:00 AM, so they just stand around making "peanuts" jokes and doing the elephant-trunk thing with one arm. Brilliant. I think it's small children, and not actual elephants, who find that entertaining. And the children have to be really small. My particular favorite two-year-old would be like, "Yeah, hilarious. Now make yourselves useful and get me a black coffee."
1:28 AM. Ray and Yolanda. As they go for a cab, Ray points out that his relationship problems with Yolanda have added a degree of difficulty to the race for them. He tells us that relationships take on an added dimension when you're just sitting there talking about which way to turn, and all of a sudden, it's "the Amazing Relationship Race." Heh. I do think there's some evidence that non-romantic relationships, on average, have an advantage in that the relationship stuff tends to be less complicated. As was so brilliantly explained by Brian and Greg, in one of the few great moments ever captured in a clip show. Also, Ray displays here his annoying tendency to refer to Eric and Jeremy as "the Frat Girls." Everyone who thinks that there's nothing more insulting than referring to men as girls needs to meet...well, my favorite two-year-old, come to think of it. Because seriously: stop it with that shit. Particularly you, Ray, because there's a girl with you, in case you forgot.
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the elephant place, followed by Ray and Yolanda. Tyler hugs Yolanda and tells her that he's happy she's still in it. At 4:00 AM, the teams are let in, and much of the excitement centers around attempting to run to the elephants without stepping in elephant poo. Somehow, this just doesn't seem all that exciting to me. Maybe I'm spoiled on more exciting tasks, but...not stepping in crap? Anyway, when they all find the elephants, the Sidekicks are indeed presented in the elephants' trunks. Poor elephants. That is very undignified. If an elephant were capable of saying, "I'm not your dancing monkey," I'm sure that's what these particular elephants would say. That's what they're undoubtedly thinking. At any rate, the Sidekicks contain a clue telling the teams to fly to Tokyo, Japan, which is more than 7000 miles, as Phil says. Once there, they'll drive to Shibuya, which Phil says is Japan's "version of Times Square" (didn't realize we had nailed down that patent on the concept of busy intersections -- we are awesome!), where teams will look at all the big video screens to find their clue. We learn during the Phil-over that the clue will say, "Find Hachiko." I can just imagine Ray and Yolanda getting there and being like, "God, what is with this show and finding stuff? 'Find this,' 'find that.' It's reeeally getting old."
The mention of Japan sends BJ and Tyler into apoplectic fits, for reasons they will be explaining ad nauseam (and, of course, because they like having fits the way some people like pancakes or football). All the teams run for taxis. In their cab, Tyler explains that he has a Japanese girlfriend and that he walked across the country, a project the chronicling of which was mentioned in the forums approximately 400,000 times this season by people who I'm sure were not at all part of the Tyler-pimping street team, but simply friendly forum posters who coincidentally knew about the project because they run in obscure travelogue fandom and wanted to share. By the way, once you've read the story of how Tyler tried unsuccessfully to get into Stanford by making a horse's ass of himself in about 50 different ways (including painting his hippie-like Cadillac and using hippie-like donated private plane time), only to have the admissions committee break the news that being really obnoxious is not a good way to make a good impression, a lot more things about Tyler begin to make sense, in terms of incredibly poor skills in the area of room-reading. At any rate, he tells us how comfortable he is in Japan, and Eric and Jeremy confirm that they are aware of Tyler's advantage in this area. Wait, you mean he's mentioned it? Hard to believe, since his mouth is only open to talk about himself 96 percent of the time. (The rest of the time, he's asleep.)
At the airport, Ray and Yolanda learn of a United flight departing at 6:40 AM, arriving in Tokyo at 2:15 PM. They go to check it out. BJ and Tyler decide to try Nippon Air, and they are redirected to a different desk. Eric and Jeremy do like Ray and Yolanda and head for the information desk, and they also learn of the United flight. They run into Ray and Yolanda at the United counter, and both of these teams manage to finagle tickets. When BJ and Tyler get there, however, they are told that the flight is very full -- in fact, they are told that they can't get on. Oh, how I wish there was any chance that anything happening this early would make any difference. Despondent feelings arrived early during this episode.
When we return from a set of commercials, Ray and Yolanda and Eric and Jeremy are getting on their flight. BJ and Tyler are not. It leaves without them, which is very unusual, given that the commercials coming right after "You cannot get on the flight" are almost always accompanied by "Wait, four people just died, so their seats are available." They actually have to go to Thai airlines and get a flight leaving at 8:20. I know! Shocking. BJ notes that the advantage the other teams have is about an hour and a half. But they haven't given up! No, sir! And their ability to communicate in Japan will "excel [sic] our progress," as Tyler puts it. Stanford is filled with regret, I'll tell you that much. Phil explains that in Tokyo, the teams will find a hotel and drive themselves in marked cars to Shibuya, where they'll look for the big screen, as the Sidekick-bearing elephants of yore have decreed.
Ray and Yolanda and Eric and Jeremy get off their plane and head for the bus to the hotel where the marked cars are to be found. They take the same bus to the hotel, and they find the hotel at the same time. Ray and Yolanda take off, while Eric and Jeremy go inside for some directions. Ray and Yolanda figure they can get themselves there without help. They, of course, become lost almost immediately. In fact, they miss the turn for their expressway, which was hiding in a tricky manner by being marked with a large sign.
BJ and Tyler land and take the bus to the hotel. "This is our time to catch up!" they declare dramatically, because "Where's the bus?" would be boring. Meanwhile, Jeremy admires all the lights of Tokyo. They talk about how "screwed" they'd be without the map they got at the hotel, and indeed, Ray and Yolanda are just that screwed right now without the hotel map. They have literally stopped in the middle of the highway, right where it's splitting, so that they can ponder which way to go. As if sitting there will help them figure it out, you know? BJ and Tyler also get off the bus and get their car out onto the expressway. Tyler dances in the driver's seat. Eric and Jeremy are the first ones to find the building where they have to park, although they seem to find it fairly luckily. I cannot explain the weird electric guitar going in the background, by the way. I guess someone thinks it sounds...like Japanese light rock? I don't know. Maybe it does, but I'm lost. Ray and Yolanda now stop for more directions, because stopping for directions is kind of what they do, and then soon, they're on their way again.
Tyler feels like he's home. Many Japanese people wave their arms frantically in a gesture of dispute and make "thumbs down" gestures.
Ray and Yolanda have trouble with directions. I need a macro for that. I actually need a single button for that on my keyboard. I demand that someone invent the Of Course button, which should be programmable.
Shibuya! Eric and Jeremy are looking around for other teams, but soon turn their attention to watching the big video screens. The shots of them staring up at the buildings certainly do make them look even more baffled than usual. Jeremy is actually mouth-breathing while watching, which makes anyone look more alert and intelligent, as you undoubtedly know. And then finally, they spot the "Find Hachiko" clue, which Phil explains refers to a statue of Hachiko, who is apparently a celebrated dog of Japanese lore. Sitting by the statue is a lovely young man in a yellow and red scarf, and he has their clue. He's cute, if a little girly. Eric and Jeremy stop a couple of women and ask where to find Hachiko, and they get a tentative, shy point in the right direction for their trouble. They wander off and find the guy in the scarf, and he turns over their clue. They chuckle at how impressive it was that the women they asked -- I'm sorry, the "chicks" -- knew about the dog statue. It is in their country, you turkeys.
The clue they open is a Detour. Phil explains about a Detour, and the pros as well as the cons, and then he says that the choices are Maiden and Messenger. In Maiden, you take a taxi seven miles to a tea garden, where you carry a maiden in a sort of litter thing about a third of a mile to a tea ceremony. In Messenger, you travel on foot about 200 yards to a parking lot, where you assemble two "folding bikes" and pick up two messenger bags that you have to deliver on the bikes to two different buildings. When the deliveries are finished, you bring back the signatures and get your clue. Eric and Jeremy choose Maiden (duh!) and get back in their taxi. Like Eric and Jeremy were ever not going to choose something called "Maiden." It would be like hitting a Roadblock where the clue says, "Who wants to touch some large breasts?" and having them both refuse to do it.
BJ and Tyler drive into Shibuya. They also find the parking with what appears to be a minimum of drama. So you'll notice they've made up an hour and a half on Ray and Yolanda. They park their car and head into the square. They quickly spot the "Find Hachiko" sign. They ask someone (apparently, Tyler does not know what Hachiko is), and they go over to the scarf guy, to whom Tyler says, in a way most embarrassing, that he wants the clue. Except he says it in Japanese, and he says it like he's four years old, and he says it like he's on crack. In spite of this, the guy gives him the clue. They choose the Messenger Detour, on the theory that Tyler will be able to get directions on the bikes so quickly that it will be faster. Have they mentioned that Tyler speaks Japanese and feels at home here? I think what's funny is that Tyler seems to have said certain things over and over and over to make sure that they got a great shot of him saying that particular thing that they could use, and even he didn't intend for the goddamn editors to use all of the times that he said everything.
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the Maiden Detour. I'm pretty sure this isn't, incidentally, what they were hoping a Maiden Detour might look like. (Write your own dirty "pros and condoms" joke here.) They lift up the carrier, and Jeremy immediately starts bitching about how heavy it is. For one thing, they're carrying it at the beginning like a yoke over a couple of oxen, which is sort of poetically appropriate, but not so clever. When they turn it so that the pole is parallel to the way they're walking and each of them has it on one shoulder, it goes a lot better.
Tyler and BJ are shown asking directions in Japanese so that you can admire their ability to navigate 200 yards without help because they are honorary natives, adopted as always by an adoring world, not counting Stanford. They find the bikes and put them together. They bike off toward the first of their two buildings. Tyler thinks he's been to the building before, which is where his posturing begins to become a little less than believable. He...what, wandered into office buildings while walking through the country? Does he recognize that newsstand? That parking space? That fire hydrant? He and BJ ring the bells on the bikes as they go through the streets. More noise! More making your presence known! More merriment! More whimsy! I MUST HAVE MORE WHIMSY!
Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. Ray thinks that all the teams will have problems, and Yolanda thinks that nobody else is going to have their level of problems. Yeah, I think that she sort of recognizes the...order of magnitude issue better than he does. "We've got to do better than this," she says unhappily.
Back from commercials, Ray and Yolanda are lost some more, and when they stop to ask, they are told...some things that I guess they understand better than I do, given that even a skeptical Ray seems to think that the information they have received will get them moving toward where they need to be.
Eric and Jeremy haul the Maiden. They reach the end of the course and open the carrier, and -- what do you know? -- a girl pops out. As she is handed a cup of team, Eric comments, "This is like a naughty fantasy come true right here." At least he didn't miss what the show was going for, because...gee, Eric, do you think? They receive a clue telling them to go to the Capsule Land Hotel. As you know if you watch America's Top Model or if you are knowledgeable about the way international business travel operates in a way that I am not, people in Japan sometimes stay in hotels where, rather than having a room, you have a sort of enclosed bunk -- your "capsule" -- that you can choose to think of either as "cozy" or as "disturbingly similar to what it would be like to lie in a coffin." The teams will get their clue at a hotel of this kind. Eric and Jeremy decide to look for a cab.
BJ and Tyler ding their bells and find the building where they deliver their first parcel. Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, are not only still having navigation problems, but now they're arguing, and she's sort of randomly dissing him for being too "cool" and so forth. Things are not going well in that way that they never go well when you're spending way too much time navigating all over the place without any apparent hope for improvement in your situation, but at last, they find the garage and get their car parked. They get to the square, they miss the "Find Hachiko" thing and stare aimlessly at buildings...you know the drill. It just wouldn't be fun if they saw the clue right away.
BJ and Tyler are still on their bikes. Ding ding! Might I suggest they should really be… Girls' Bikes? Because Gary Busey would have a good time with them, I think. Not to even mention Vince Neil. They ride into the second building. They get the signature for their second parcel and leave. It's like watching an actual bike messenger, only less interesting. They head back to the place where they picked up, and must return, the bikes.
Finally, Ray and Yolanda find the Hachiko clue, and then Hachiko himself, and then the scarf guy. They choose the Maiden Detour, because they are not in any sort of mood to ask for more directions or drive around Tokyo on bikes. I do not blame them, and I suspect the passersby of Tokyo appreciate the kind consideration. Elsewhere, Eric and Jeremy flag down a cab, but when they stop the guy, he doesn't know where the Capsule Land Hotel is. He does, however, know how to take them back to Shibuya, where the hotel is, so they decide to head back to the area. Their driver, however, is a champ, and he gets on the phone to find out where the hotel is. Heroic cab drivers: one of the race's great motifs. For their part, BJ and Tyler, still accompanied by that obnoxious Karate Kid II music, finish their Detour and get their clue. Tyler has to tell us once again how much fun he's having with this whole racing thing, since he figures that the more times he says it, the more genuine and natural it's bound to seem. Everything I really mean, I say to my friends six or eight times in exactly the same way.
Ray and Yolanda carry the Maiden. They appear not to get lost in the entire one-third-mile course.
Eric and Jeremy get to the hotel, and when they check in, they ask if they're first, and they are told that they are. That's good news, but it's another big mostly-bunch, and they are handed a pile of linens and a sign saying that their departure time in the morning is at 9:00 AM. When they get to the capsules, they realize what "capsule" means in this context, and to their credit, they mostly find the idea of sleeping in capsules kind of funny. Many forum posters saw a surprisingly literate reference to Sleeper in Jeremy's comment that he hopes not to wake up and find that it's 1972, but I'm not sure it's not fortuitous, since right before that, one of them refers to it as the "Time Capsule Hotel." I wouldn't put the reference past him, but he may just have fallen on it. Blind pigs and truffles, you know.
Ray and Yolanda carry their Maiden, and Ray learns as he attempts a feel-good chant that "I don't know, but I've been told" unfortunately doesn't rhyme with "million dollars." They deliver their maiden, to whom Yolanda says, "What are you doing in there?", and Ray says, "You are much heavier than you look." Heh. They get the Capsule Land Hotel clue, and they get a taxi. Ray hopes that they might be in second place. Not.
Instead, in second place are BJ and Tyler, now arriving at the hotel. They receive a departure time of 9:15 tomorrow morning. They get upstairs and find Eric and Jeremy already resting comfortably in their coffins. I mean, "capsules." There is discussion of the fact that nobody knows where Ray and Yolanda are.
Here they are! Arriving at the hotel and receiving a 9:30 AM departure. On the elevator upstairs, Ray is hoping that there's a tiny chance they might be in first place. He is unhappy, as you can imagine, to find that BJ, Tyler, Eric, and Jeremy are all upstairs relaxing in their white robes like they all just had facials. Greetings all around, although no one is happy to see each other. Everyone closes up the capsules and turns in.
The morning at 9:00 AM, Eric and Jeremy are the first out. The clue tells them to go to Fujikyu Highland, which Phil explains is a very popular amusement park full of what he will later call "thrill rides." And, presumably, sarsaparilla and other old-time delights. It is at the base of Mount Fuji, as you might expect from the name, and it is where they will find their clue. It turns out that they start by returning to the place where they parked their cars yesterday, so Eric and Jeremy head back to that building. There, they ask for directions to Fujikyu Highland. They are told to get on the number four highway, which will be your good friend for the little stretch here. At 9:15 AM, BJ and Tyler follow. They also receive information that they need the highway. "This is the Japan leg we dreamed about!" BJ says, because -- I don't know if you've heard -- it turns out that Tyler has some experience with Japan and speaking Japanese, so they think they might have an advantage. At 9:30 AM, a grateful Ray and Yolanda, who probably finished last night more than 15 minutes off the pace, talk about getting a fresh start today. Today can only be better, right? Right? It can't get worse. First, of course, they need directions. And what better place to ask directions than a Denny's? I think they assume that a Denny's will have Americans in it, which maybe isn't such a bad guess, but it doesn't pan out this time. Instead, they wind up taking directions that -- yes, again -- they have a very hard time understanding. They can pick out pretty much the word "highway." That isn't really enough, but all they can do is get going at this point. I think Ray also turns on the windshield wipers unnecessarily when they start driving, so now he's becoming a caricature of himself. up: the horn will start honking and he won't be able to make it stop.
Eric and Jeremy collect a toll ticket and get on the highway, and when they see Mount Fuji, Jeremy refers to it as "Mount Tokyo." "Dumb-ass," Eric says, proving that he is the brains of the operation indeed, "it must be Mount Fuji." Of course, Tyler already knows it's Mount Fuji. For he is the happy hippie of love, and he observes the world around him! You must love him! He knows as much about Japan as...Eric! Love him! In Ray and Yolanda's car, they also know that it's Mount Fuji, and Ray is practicing asking directions by saying the word "Fujikyu" in about twelve different tones. Heh.
Eric and Jeremy pay the toll at the end of the highway, and then they stop to ask directions again. He offers to lead them right to it, and then Jeremy makes a borderline offensive, but probably weirdly valid, point when he says that he's learned that if you speak too slowly, people don't understand you. He seems to associate this with the fact that it sounds to him like people in Japan talk really fast, but I think it's probably true everywhere that the more you can pronounce things normally -- as opposed to, for instance, in a drawn-out way like people are stupid -- the more likely they are to understand you. It's really interesting, because Jeremy is one of those guys who is blessed with comic timing and very good delivery, but he's also an asshole, so that confuses me. Eric is less naturally funny, but more substantively worthy. It is a puzzlement.
As for BJ and Tyler, they are on their way, talking about how close they are to winning only a few meaningless tasks before it starts mattering what happens! Eric and Jeremy arrive at the amusement park and pull in, followed closely by BJ and Tyler. In fact, the teams enter the park together. "Those hippies, and their damn...language-knowing," says either Eric or Jeremy. (I still sometimes can't tell without a visual.) Both teams park, and both run to the nearby clue box. The clue is for a Roadblock that says, "Who's ready to coast through their day?" This Roadblock requires you to ride three roller coasters. Seriously, that's the whole thing. Officially, you have to keep your eyes open for a clue while you ride, but basically, it's riding three roller coasters. Note to show: It's not a very challenging "Roadblock" to test your resolve and your ability to triumph over adversity when average, ordinary, everyday, twelve-year-olds pay to do it. Good grief. Oh, and this is where Phil says "thrill rides." I hate this Roadblock. They send them all the way to Japan, and then put them in an environment as much like the middle of the Mall of America as possible. If Mount Fuji were the Build-A-Bear outlet, I would think it was the middle of the Mall of America.
Tyler and Jeremy take the Roadblock. They climb on the first ride and bore the crap out of the local women -- both of them do, but in different ways. Tyler is more humored, while Jeremy is more ignored. The ride goes fast. The music sounds like it's from a Saved By The Bell movie. The fuck? Marry me, Kelly Kapowski! When the ride is over, they both seem to think that they saw nothing, so they run to the ride. Question: What are the odds that the thing will be visible from a ride other than the last one, thus sapping the suspense from one of the three rides? Answer: Not good. The car on The Price Is Right ends in a zero, and the clue will be on the last ride.
Ray and Yolanda get off the toll road and need to pay, but they can't find their ticket. Honestly, where could it have gone in such a short time? Where? WHERE? Did they crumple it up and throw it somewhere? They crawl around their car looking for it, picking things up, searching under, like, the floor mats...this is where you figure out that there is no chance they're going to win. Searching for the ticket in the ashtray doesn't make you look like a couple of contenders.
After a block of commercials, we return to see Ray sent over to deal with a manager over his lack of a ticket. The manager takes pity on them and just charges them a basic amount. Ray takes the opportunity to ask the toll guy for directions to Fujikyu Highland while he's at it, and the guy knows right where it is and tells them where to go. And then, as Ray heads back into the car, the guy smacks him right on the ass. Ray is rather taken aback by this, although he seems to think it's more funny than anything. "They don't do that where I'm from," he comments to Yolanda. Nothing like a well-timed smack on the ass to keep you going when you're tired and lost.
Tyler and Jeremy ride a roller coaster. Oh, and Tyler responds to a girl telling him she likes his beard by telling her to touch it. Which she does. Sigh. Every encounter is a wacky adventure! On this roller coaster, neither of them sees anything again, but when they get off the ride, Tyler tells Jeremy that he saw it, so Jeremy starts to think he might have missed it and might have to go back and do all the rides again. On the third coaster, Jeremy is complaining that he couldn't see anything on the last ride, so he's going to keep looking. Tyler winks at us (literally) and tells us that he is full of shit in a different way than usual, and that he didn't actually see anything along the last ride. Certainly is full of wacky schemes, that one! As they head around a curve on the last roller coaster, they see a guy who is waving a big sign that says, "Lake Yamanaka." They both go to the park manager and report on what they saw, and he hands them their clues. As Tyler runs out of the park to rejoin BJ, he says -- you waited for it, and here it is -- "T-Tow." Apparently, that's what Tyler had to stop saying when he started talking about Japan, since the fact that he keeps up a constant stream of meaningless babbling means that when one thing starts to be mentioned, something else has to be dropped. Both lead teams read a clue directing them to Lake Yamanaka, where they'll take a paddle boat to a big boat shaped like a swan, which will be the pit stop. Both of them get going, with Eric and Jeremy figuring that they can beat BJ and Tyler in a paddle-boat race. "Don't tell anybody, but I was on the swan boat club in high school," Jeremy says. "I was actually the captain." See? That's funny, but he's still a putz.
Ray and Yolanda are finally at Fujikyu Highland, and they're bickering again over directions. When they open the Roadblock, she has to take it, so she's happy to get away from him for a few minutes. She straps into the first ride.
Tyler reports on the way he tried to psych out Jeremy, and Jeremy tells Eric the same thing. "They're trying to be sneaky, huh?" Eric says with sympathy.
Yolanda rides the second ride. She rides the third, and -- Lake Yamanaka! She sees it! When she gets out, they get the pit stop clue and leave. Oh, wait -- first, they have to stop for confusing directions that they can't decipher. They have a map, so maybe they have a chance. Ha ha ha! She tells us in the car that she had a good time getting a break from Ray, and Ray complains in response -- but with a smile -- that she's a back-seat driver. Of course, given the way the camera and sound guys sit, that's...hard to avoid.
BJ and Tyler arrive at the lake, followed by Eric and Jeremy. The entire Choad Family runs down a long pier, and they hop into boats. Aside from the stupidity of watching two teams of guys who are this impressed with themselves paddle what are essentially plastic birds, this simply is not interesting. BJ and Tyler get to the boat first, and then they land on the mat first. They are team number one! They each get a Sidekick with three years of service. Eric and Jeremy land and are unhappy about second place, especially after Phil harasses them about losing to "hippie boys." Hey, Phil -- back off. Eric and Jeremy explain that they were doing their best -- "We were going as fast as you can pedal those things," Jeremy says, to which Tyler has to jump in and say that they weren't, because they lost. Of course, that's fairly obviously not Jeremy's point -- his point is that when they were trying to catch up, they were pedaling as fast as the pedals seemed to allow, and it would have been a tiny bit gracious if Tyler could have kept his big fat yap shut for thirty seconds rather than having to demand even more face time on the theory that he hasn't been on enough during this season of The Amazing Goddamn BJ And Tyler Show, on which everyone else is merely a supporting player. Phil asks whether they're thinking about the end, and Jeremy faux-pouts about how the hippies are "playing dirty," and Tyler mentions the cab-stealing in response, so Jeremy says Tyler is "mean." What's bizarre is that Tyler starts making diplomatic remarks, because he really doesn't understand that Jeremy is not serious. Tyler does not have much of a sense of humor, in reality; he has only a sense of clowning, which is totally different.
Ray and Yolanda arrive. They run down the pier, they paddle, and they land. They're in last place, of course, but there's no elimination. There is, however, the taking of all of their money and all their stuff, so that we can squeeze in a little more begging before we reach the point of any relevance. They could spend the last ten minutes of this finale having the screen spout cash directly into my purse, and it still wouldn't be worth what a chore the rest of this feels like. Phil points out that being in a country where they don't speak the language and need to beg for money will not be an easy way to start. Yolanda tells us that they won't get discouraged, and Ray says they're good at being underdogs, and he's sure they can win it. Phil promises that we will soon find out who's going to win. I certainly freaking hope so.
After some more commercials, we are back at Lake Yamanaka at the base of Mount Fuji, and we are at the Big Swan, which is the big boat where the leg concluded. What's a leg of a race without a form of transportation shaped like a big animal? Ride the Lemur Train! We watch the teams eat together as Phil explains that this will be it. The million-dollar leg. Well, the million-dollar tenth of a leg, which will not be happening until later.
12:18 AM. BJ and Tyler depart. They open the clue, which tells them to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. Polar bears! Phil explains that they will choose a marked car and get their clue. BJ and Tyler, as they're leaving, drop off money for Ray and Yolanda. So fucking lame, this entire money-trading nonsense. Tyler tells us that he and BJ have been training for this leg of the race "for [their] entire lives." In terms of that referring to the part about being on television, I certainly believe it. I certainly believe they have trained their whole lives to get as much attention as they're getting right now. Tyler tells us that they approach life with "wide-eyed enthusiasm and joy." Okay. You cannot declare yourself to have "wide-eyed enthusiasm." It's like naming yourself "the Cut Man." You can't. Someone else has to comment on your "wide-eyed enthusiasm." You just cannot, under any circumstances, call yourself "wide-eyed"; that is so patently phony. That's how you just know that this is all bullshit -- not that it isn't how they act off-camera, because believe me, it is, but that it's done for effect, to make people look at them and like them and think they're nifty. As I've said before, I think it's like Robin Williams. People reach a point where they're no longer themselves; they're constantly playing themselves in a big lifelong show about themselves. And because they are characters of their own devising, they have that weird tendency to comment on themselves as characters, referring to their "wide-eyed enthusiasm" as if they're commenting on someone else. It's fucked up.
12:20 AM. Eric and Jeremy. There is talk of ass-kicking, and how second place "isn't an option," and they're scraping their car of frost, just as BJ and Tyler did. People seem to be using their passports for this purpose, which strikes me as a good way to get held up at customs while they blow-dry your travel documents. Eric and Jeremy do their badly-dubbed kung-fu bit, which would be funnier if it hadn't been done an enormous number of times in an enormous number of contexts. When the Choad Family runs into a fork in the road, BJ and Tyler go one way and Eric and Jeremy go the other.
3:01 AM. Ray and Yolanda. Did you see that? They wound up almost three hours behind. Three hours! They read the Alaska clue and go to their car, where they find the money from BJ and Tyler. They're happy to have a little money to start with, although they know they're going to need more than that, so they're heading back to the hotel. It's a good thing it's not a race where anyone gives a damn about doing their own work.
BJ and Tyler arrive back at the hotel where they picked up their cars, which is apparently where they need to pick up a shuttle to the airport. The shuttle doesn't leave until 6:10 AM, so Tyler asks if there is internet access that he could use. He's told that there is, and it's on the second floor. And then BJ tells the hotel guy that if he's asked again, he should act like he doesn't speak English. It's basically the same thing as cab-canceling -- it's not against the rules, apparently, but not the kind of thing I show up to watch. It's not offensive to me so much as it is...weak, you know? I think early seasons of racers would mostly have felt like...like punks doing this. They'd feel like it meant they couldn't just outhustle and outsmart your ass. I remember that Jerry Tarkanian used to say that he only half-counted victories where he couldn't beat you with man-to-man defense and had to go to a zone. He thought winning meant beating you one on one, and I'd rather see people play this the same way. No lying. Just do shit faster than other people.
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the hotel and discover the same thing about the 6:10 AM shuttle. They go inside, and Eric asks if there's internet at the hotel. The guy says there is. Then Eric asks if they can use it, and the guy seems to suddenly remember he's supposed to pretend not to understand, so he doesn't answer. Then he finally coughs up in a very unconvincing fashion that they don't have internet service. A suspicious Eric wants to know why he just said they did, then. Not so terribly fazed by this incredibly tricky scheme, Eric and Jeremy outsmart the scheme by...using the phone! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, people used to book flights even before there was the internet. I know! It's shocking.
Ray and Yolanda arrive at a place called Jonathan's, which is like Denny's but less so, in order to beg. Ray is wearing a sign that says "Yen." Subtle! They approach a table of businessmen, and one of them says to Yolanda, "You look like Janet Jackson." A couple of the guys, well on their way to drunk, actually dance, sort of, and they all laugh hysterically. Yolanda seems to find it slightly less hilarious. "If it's so funny, y'all give us money, then," Yolanda urges. And actually, they do. Yolanda shakes someone's hand and says, "I'll tell Michael you said hey." Snerk. Out in the car, Ray says, "Good thing those businessmen were there, boy." "Gettin' lit," Yolanda adds. They head for the hotel.
BJ and Tyler find a flight online on Northwest that would get them to Anchorage at 10:53 AM. They reserve the flight. Jeremy, meanwhile, asks on the phone, and he finds a flight through Taipei getting them to Anchorage at 7:50 AM. Boy, that worked well, keeping the boys from looking on the internet and relegating them to the phone. Brilliant strategizing! Downstairs in the lobby, unaware of his good fortune in being "screwed" by BJ and Tyler, Eric wishes that BJ and Tyler would stay an hour behind, as they appear to be at the moment. As they head downstairs, BJ and Tyler decide to announce that they have been lurking around, spying on Eric and Jeremy, hoping that they can cover up the fact that they're emerging from the second floor of the hotel rather than from the parking lot as they would have if they'd really been behind Eric and Jeremy. Nothing doing -- Eric immediately wants to know why (after BJ and Tyler greet him with a "T-Tow," for fuck's sake) they came from the direction they did, like they were already inside the hotel. "We've been spying on you from outside," Tyler announces. Eric, who I think is just beginning to have suspicions about this entire scenario, asks BJ and Tyler with a chuckle why they went "the wrong way." Tyler says it was "to try and trick you." "You tricked us; we thought you were idiots," Eric offers. The show edits this as if it's a wonderful triumph for BJ and Tyler, who sneakily arrived first, over the stupid Eric and Jeremy, who don't know that BJ and Tyler have been hanging around, but...keep in mind: BJ and Tyler created a situation in which Eric and Jeremy got a flight three hours earlier than their own, and they pretty much made that happen, where they might well have wound up on the same flight otherwise. They are idiots, quite frankly, because they outsmarted themselves by trying to be tricky. Eric comments on the lack of internet, and he says it's "really weird, [he] thought." Outside, both teams get on the shuttle to the airport, and both note the absence of Ray and Yolanda.
Ray and Yolanda are on their way to the hotel, of course, although they probably have to stop at six gas stations and a Chuck E. Cheese first.
The Choad Family arrives at the airport, and Eric and Jeremy correctly surmise that BJ and Tyler's strategy will be to follow them around in the airport. They therefore hide behind some baggage equipment, leaving BJ and Tyler to wonder where they went. Meanwhile, Ray and Yolanda arrive at the hotel, then get on the airport shuttle.
Eric and Jeremy go to book their arranged flight to Taipei, traveling on to Anchorage to arrive at 7:50 AM. They're all done. They leave first. BJ and Tyler, meanwhile, check with a gate agent to see if they can improve on their existing reservation. They are told that they can get on a later flight to Taipei and make the same connection as Eric and Jeremy, not that they know Eric and Jeremy are doing this. When Ray and Yolanda arrive, they hear about an inferior flight, which they wisely do not decide to take. They hop on the computer instead and keep looking.
Eric and Jeremy arrive in Taipei, and they sit themselves down with a view of Transfer Counter D, which is where anyone will have to go first who is going to be on their flight to Anchorage. Back at the Tokyo airport, Yolanda finds the same itinerary as BJ and Tyler. However, she and Ray are told that the flight is already closed. Yolanda begs, but is told that there's nothing that can be done for them. Dramatic commercials of impending tragedy!
We come back to find Ray and Yolanda still trying, and ultimately, one of the gate ladies makes a call on their behalf. Whew! I didn't think the ominous commercials could actually lead to ominous results twice in the same episode. Elsewhere, BJ and Tyler are ecstatic not to see Eric and Jeremy at their departure gate (because they're not as clever as they think), and to note that Ray and Yolanda haven't been seen all day. Ray and Yolanda, however, are just now being told that they can get on the second flight to Taipei, and they happily head down to the gate, where they encounter BJ and Tyler. As they all get on the plane, Ray says to BJ and Tyler, "For the first time, I'm happy to see you guys." Which is sort of agreeably funny, and exactly the kind of good-natured thing BJ and Tyler like to think they'd say, which is why it's so vile when BJ gives this disgusted look to the camera after Ray walks by, like, "What a fucking idiot." Read the famous Sars piece about what BJ is doing right there -- he's being Orly Adams.
Eric and Jeremy watch and wait at Transfer Counter D, hoping that nobody will get on their flight. But...here comes the flight carrying the other two teams, who quickly show up. Eric admits that he's not happy to see BJ and Tyler, and even less happy to see Ray and Yolanda a moment later. All teams are now on their way to Anchorage from Taipei. Apparently, Anchorage is the home to some very icy dogs, as well as the home of the funniest story I have ever heard that included the phrase "Bear repellent." Ask me about it sometime.
And now, we are in Anchorage. The Choad Family, to no one's surprise, gets off the plane first and to the marked cars that they will be taking, as it turns out, to Mirror Lake. Phil explains that this is a 30-mile drive to a scenic recreation area. Al three teams are soon on the way. They are directed, for your reference, to Old Seward Highway. If you ever want to go there, now you know, in addition to knowing how to get to Fujikyu Highland. It's looking pretty cold in Alaska, among other things, which does tend to make driving more difficult and stressful. I would know, because I am from the tundra myself and have frequently done whimsical winter things like swearing at my windshield wipers and driving into ditches. Ray and Yolanda ask for directions, predicting that this will be the only time they'll have to do so. Oh, Lord.
BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy are right together on the way to Mirror Lake, so Eric and Jeremy pass. The teams are… well, they're still right together as they jump out of their cars and run to the clue box. This is a Detour called Drill It or Deliver It. In Drill It, you drill ten holes (for ice fishing) into the ice with a couple of augurs. You then slide a big fishing shack over from the shore so that it covers at least two of your holes. In Deliver It, you load up with medical supplies and fly more than 150 miles round trip to deliver them. Uhhh...I'm thinking you take the ice? Because it's 150 miles? Maybe I don't understand how fast planes are. But BJ and Tyler think the delivering looks "fun," so they want to do that. Eric and Jeremy take the drilling. I suspect that BJ and Tyler are saved from yet another stupid mistake by yet another stroke of luck when they learn that the delivery plane can't fly right now because of the weather, so it's Drill It or nothing. Not really a Detour, so much, when one of the "cons" is "you can't do it."
The drilling begins, although no drilling will ever match the sequence in which Wil tried to drill (and hack, and burn, and stab) his way into that ice globe. Oh, man. Good times. The Choad Family shit-talks back and forth as they try to drill holes. You are no Wil, fellas.
Ray and Yolanda? Oh, they're lost. Yes, still. Yes, forever. Yes, it's permanent. Why do you ask? They get more directions. At least the directions aren't in Japanese now, not that I'm confident at this point that that's going to help as much as you'd think. In fact, I'm not sure it made a whit of difference in the end that Tyler knew some Japanese.
Eric and Jeremy finish the drilling first. They head over to pick up their fishing shack. "Oh, man, this is sucky," they say. Tyler starts the last hole for his team. As they head over for their shack, BJ and Tyler get their last hole drilled. Eric and Jeremy cover two holes with their shack (hee), and they pull a clue telling them to go to Kincaid Park and find the chalet, where they'll pick up snowshoes and poles. This is a 26-mile drive, unless you're Ray and Yolanda, in which case it is a 126-mile drive, counting wrong turns. As Jeremy drives, he comments that the drilling really hurt his biceps.
BJ and Tyler push their shack over the holes and get the Kincaid Park clue. Just then, we see Ray and Yolanda arrive at the Detour. They take the drilling. BJ and Tyler leave for Kincaid Park as Ray and Yolanda drill. He finds the drilling not up his alley, with him being from the south.
Eric and Jeremy are on their way, and they're already thinking about how to keep BJ and Tyler from following them.
Yolanda wishes aloud that she could drill the hole with her legs, which are stronger than her upper body. That's not a bad problem to have, really. They cover the holes and leave, hoping that they'll be able to catch up at the airport.
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the chalet and head directly for the sets of snowshoes and poles that are leaning up against the side of the chalet, in plain sight. "I can tell this is going to suck," one of them remarks as they take off. Then, BJ and Tyler appear at the chalet. "Crap, hippies," Eric and Jeremy note, and they take off jogging in their snowshoes. But there isn't much danger from the hippies, actually, because they...walk right by all the sets of snowshoes that are in front of their faces. They run up the stairs. The camera guy stares sadly at the snowshoes. They go inside to look. They come back outside to look. They walk past the snowshoes again. "Choose a set of snowshoes," Tyler reads from the clue as they...walk by the sets of snowshoes.
After more commercials, we see BJ and Tyler still looking, and now they go inside and ask for snowshoes, and someone mercifully tells them to look outside. Finally, they go outside and manage to find the snowshoes. Of course, once they have them, BJ puts them on and starts skipping, because...he has to. It's the law. Can't stop now, to say the least.
Ray and Yolanda are driving...somewhere.
Eric and Jeremy are making their way on the snowshoes through...well, the snow. They consult their map and keep hunting for the trail they're looking for. BJ and Tyler are looking for the trail as well. Tyler aims for a moment of childlike wonder as he passes the camera guy and pauses to catch a snowflake on his tongue. The universe responds by dumping a load of snow directly onto his face from a tree branch, which is the best thing that the universe accomplishes during this entire episode. For once, the universe feels me. Now, Eric and Jeremy find their way to the clue box, and the clue they open tells them to fly to the final city: Denver, Colorado. Phil reminds us that this is where the race started. When they get there, they'll take a taxi 30 miles to the Clear Creek History Park in the town of Golden. There, they'll search for a clue. Eric and Jeremy leave. BJ and Tyler are still lost. Eric and Jeremy return their snowshoes and get a cab to the airport. BJ and Tyler find the clue box at last and open the Denver clue. When they return their snowshoes, Tyler says to set them up carefully "so Ray and Yolanda think no one's been here." Thank you, Snidely Whiplash. Always with a plan! They leave for the airport.
Ray and Yolanda arrive at the snowshoes. I sort of want to stop watching them, because I like them, and it now feels like they're just not in it.
Eric and Jeremy discover at the airport that there is a Frontier flight at 11:10 PM. Eric comments that it would be great not to see BJ and Tyler or Ray and Yolanda. "If they were frozen," he muses. I half-agree. BJ and Tyler, for their part, borrow a cell phone from their cab driver and learn of the same 11:10 flight to Denver.
Ray and Yolanda find the Denver clue. They are relieved to be leaving Alaska, which is a tiny bit inhospitable, weather-wise. I know how they feel, except that I never get to leave.
At the airport, BJ and Tyler see Eric and Jeremy and ask if they found anything international. "I don't know," Eric says. "Did we?" "If you did, then why are you going back to the other terminal?" BJ asks. "You never know," Jeremy says, so BJ and Tyler decide to trail them. Yeah, that would get annoying. Once again, not cheating; once again, boring and not the way the show should go.
Ray and Yolanda head for the Anchorage airport. They probably know enough about the way the show works to know that they will probably have one more chance to get back in it, given the show's fondness for close finishes.
Heading into the airport, Tyler prattles endlessly, as in love with the sound of his own voice as ever, just filling empty space with constant blather. In this case, he's saying, "Oh, frat boys. What's a race around the world without the frat boys?" "You'd probably have a better chance of winning," Eric (I think) notes. Tyler wants to trade information about flights. Eric doesn't care, saying he's sure they have the same flight. But BJ perseveres, saying that on three, they'll both say what flight they're on. Eric, because this whole thing is stupid, says "Air China," while Tyler starts to say "Front --" and then stops. Tyler will not shut up, still, and he says, "Frat boys...is it the million dollars that's tearing us apart?" Eric opines that it is, although it could also be Tyler's INCESSANT TALKING. If you watch, you'll see it immediately. He fills every spot. Walking along, he has to say, "Here we go, walking along!" On the way out of an airport, he has to say, "Heading out of the airport!" It never stops. He never shuts up. He fills all available space. It's a big part of what makes him, to me, just exhausting to watch.
Ray and Yolanda arrive at the airport. They encounter the other teams at the Frontier counter. Eric remarks on how much fun it is to be ahead and have everyone catch up. He would know, as it has certainly happened to them more than to anyone. All three teams wind up on the same 11:10 flight, so even after everything they've done wrong, Ray and Yolanda's errors are all forgiven, and heading to the final city, nothing anyone has done up to this point makes any difference. The Amazing Map shows us the Amazing Yellow Line to Denver. In the Denver airport, everyone runs for taxis. Eric and Jeremy are the first out, then BJ and Tyler, then Ray and Yolanda. There's a shocker.
Golden, Colorado. Eric and Jeremy arrive at the history park and start hunting around for a clue. They find one in a shed. "Go back to where you started: Red Rocks Park," says the clue. Phil reminds us that this is the same park where the starting line was, and that it is seven miles away by taxi. BJ and Tyler arrive as Eric and Jeremy are leaving. Eric notes in the cab that they're very close to BJ and Tyler, and they only have a few minutes on them, so they really need to get moving. BJ and Tyler, at the history park, hunt around for a clue and ultimately find one in the snow. They get the Red Rocks clue and leave. "T-Tow!" Grrrrrr. Ray and Yolanda arrive. In BJ and Tyler's cab, Tyler -- still going for the sound bite -- says they're going to Red Rocks, "where [they] started a race around the world!" Stop reading off the script in your head! Stop trying to create a clip for Best Week Ever! Just stop!
Eric and Jeremy arrive at Red Rocks, and in the BJ and Tyler cab, Tyler says, "Damn you, frat boys!" for about the 800th time this episode. Do you suppose he knows he does that?
Here they are: the last set of commercials for this very tiresome season.
When we come back, Eric and Jeremy stop along the road into Red Rocks Park to pick up a clue, which is for a Roadblock. As Phil explains, the Roadblock involves running into a field of 285 flags and find one for each foreign country they visited. They'll then have to arrange the flags in the order in which they visited the countries. Brazil, Russia, Germany, Italy, Greece, Oman, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. For some reason unknown to me, the Roadblock allows the other team member to shout instructions, and just not to physically assist, so it's not really a Roadblock. When you're done, you run to the finish line. So basically, the entire two-hour finale is this task. All the navigating, the entire Japan leg, everything they did until the Denver airport doesn't count. It's just this task. Eric takes the Roadblock.
Eric starts with the Brazilian flag, which is correct. He then goes for the last place they were, which is Japan. BJ and Tyler approach in their cab. Tyler is still talking nonstop about nothing, trying to please the camera guys. "I smell Phil lurking in the shadows." They read the Roadblock clue. BJ takes it. Eric looks for Germany and Russia in that order, so he's got those two backwards. BJ, for his part, concludes that Russia isn't there at all, so he looks for Germany. Eric, on the other hand, has correctly identified the Russian flag; he just has it backwards with Germany. He goes for Australia . BJ, meanwhile, puts Italy after Germany, so he's wrong, too. Tyler wails theatrically that the flags are "bringing back memories." And then, in my imagination, he turns and gives the camera a huge thumbs-up.
Ray and Yolanda search the history park for their clue. Forget them.
Eric and BJ both put Greece into their arrays . Eric puts it in the right spot. BJ puts it too early, since he's still skipping Russia. So the situation is that Eric has six flags placed, and they're all correct except that Germany and Russia are flipped. BJ has four flags placed, and three of them are wrong as a result of the fact that he has concluded that the Russian flag isn't there. Eric correctly identifies the flag of Oman. BJ grabs it as well. Eric now moves Greece to the wrong place, convincing himself that he needs to put Italy after, not before, Greece. Tyler continues his nonstop screaming as BJ puts Australia into his thing and goes for Thailand. Eric remembers Thailand, and he brings back the correct flag. Now, BJ and Tyler begin to realize that they're short a flag, so they've left something out. Eric completes his array, with two problems. Germany and Russia are switched; Italy and Greece are switched. He is told that he's incorrect. He cannot figure out what he has wrong. Meanwhile, on the little board they have showing all the flags, Tyler decides that he knows which one is the Russian flag, and he's correct. In case you've been wondering whether the show is trying to shove the magic of BJ and Tyler down your throat, they actually insert a yellow glow around the flag as Tyler identifies it. What is this, Pulp Fiction? I can decide whom I like without special effects, thank you very much.
Unfortunately for Eric and Jeremy, they go backwards when Jeremy convinces Eric that the Thailand flag is actually Oman, so now they're totally fucked. Jeremy needs to not try to be the brains. Eric does now flip Germany and Russia, but now, there are still two things wrong. Thailand and Oman are now backwards; Greece and Italy are still backwards. Now, he flips Italy and Greece. So now, if he hadn't listened to Jeremy, he'd be done and they would win the money. He was perfectly capable of finishing fast enough to beat BJ, and he would have, had it been a regular Roadblock without kibitzing from teammates.
So BJ runs back with the Russian flag, and he puts them in order, and they're all right, so they can run for the finish line. And of course, the storyline here is supposed to be that greater intelligence wins out, which isn't what happened, because BJ and Eric both made mistakes, and had this been an actual Roadblock, Eric would probably have beaten him. But Jeremy talked him into a mistake, while Tyler was the one who told BJ which one was the Russian flag, and the whole thing is completely disheartening, but yes, they win. Cheer, cheer, hooray.
This is seriously the most unpleasant ending ever for me because not only do I really, really dislike both of them, but they weren't even remotely the best racers overall, nor were they the best racers in this leg. They were lucky enough to be good at the right task at the right time, and because the show is arranged the way it is, they get the money. The win is perfectly fair and perfectly legitimate, and it is indeed nice that there was a non-physical task, but it didn't really "come down to brains," as Phil said. Eric and Jeremy had plenty of brains (mostly Eric's), as evidenced by their repeated ability to find things and follow clues and see things directly in front of their faces. Eric had a couple of countries reversed; BJ didn't even think the Russian flag was there until Tyler told him. It doesn't really prove that anybody is "smarter," at least not because of that. BJ and Tyler raced very well, particularly early in the race, but they are also the luckiest team in the history of ever, because they fucked up repeatedly, far more than Eric and Jeremy did, but they fucked up things that the structure of the show removed from the equation. Which is fine; it isn't unfair, and it's happened every season. But it's not a meritocracy, nor were they consistently more intelligent than...well, Eric, anyway. Anyway, it's a very sour ending. Their self-conscious, self-indulgent childlike wonder makes me want to throw up, and the way that their alleged lovable-ness is being shoved down my throat kind of pisses me off, quality-of-show-wise. It's a more distasteful win to me than either Flo or Kendra, because at least neither of them sat around congratulating herself about what a fine human being she was, nor did the show try to make those women into something they weren't. It was unfortunate, but it didn't have the stench of propaganda, the way this does. There are no unicorns, there are no children on ponies, and there are no daisies blooming in meadows. It's not good over evil. It's just one obnoxious pair of guys beating a differently obnoxious pair of guys. One big Choad Family Reunion.
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the mat frustrated, which is hard to argue with. They recover well, though, as Jeremy makes a good-natured remark about how they didn't anticipate it would be brains at the end. And then Ray and Yolanda finally arrive, the day or the week or whatever, and they're in third place, and they love each other and so forth.
Oh, and Tyler tells you again during the closeout sequence that they walked around with "wide eyes." It seems kind of appropriate that the last sentiment of the season is how desperately that dude needs to put a hemp sock in it.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
Dear This Season: Boo.