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The race moves to Rome and then to Greece, and for the first time in quite a while, there is some bunching that causes the teams to be reshuffled. Eric and Jeremy wind up on top again, and when they, MoJo, and Fran and Barry all go for a totally luck-based Fast Forward, the lucky streak continues as Eric and Jeremy win it and finish first. Of course, this does mean they go away early. Elsewhere, a bungee-jumping Roadblock brings out the tiger in Monica and the whiner in Fran, and then a Detour leads to a lot of wrestling and javelin-throwing and so forth. BJ and Tyler prove to be no brilliant navigators, while Lake and Michelle go from cute to uncomfortable in a single week and can't find anything, either. Ray and Yolanda are firing on all cylinders, however, and they manage to come in first among non-FF teams. MoJo and Fran and Barry are in the middle, and it's Lake and Michelle and BJ and Tyler in a race to avoid a last-place finish that many of us assumed would be unimportant, as we seemed due for a non-elimination. But the non-elimination isn't coming, and when Lake and Michelle's driving and navigating is even more inept than BJ and Tyler's, the hippies are saved, and will live to make fun of other people's accents another day. Lake, meanwhile, gets to stop at calling his wife "bitch," and at least now, things won't get worse. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Never Go Against A Sicilian When The Race Is On The Line: BJ and Tyler continued their efforts to take over the world by their wits alone, using the twin weapons of bogus signage and funny accents, much like the great thinkers of the world have always done, as when Socrates attempted to save his own life by speaking in exaggerated broken Greek and holding up a sign that said, "Mandatory Hemlock Disposal." A task involving the counting of heads wasn't nearly as much fun as it would be in the sequel Se7en Times Se7en Is Forty-9i9e, although the teams did get the opportunity to become one with the concept of fish. The Roadblock forced the members of a kayak polo team to humiliate themselves by pretending they were overwhelmed by Barry and Dave's athleticism and unable to provide any defense. Somewhere, a hopeful klutz watched the sequence, turned to his mom, and yelled, "Oh my God, I think that's my sport!" And then he knocked over a lamp. Very little happened during the leg, but the lovable Lori and Dave did just enough wandering on the way from one end of Sicily to the other that they slipped behind Ray and Yolanda and landed in last place. They were Philiminated, leaving them with nothing but their senses of humor, adoration of each other, highly functional relationship, and wonderful travel experience to console them. Poor dears. You know what their showered, sweet-smelling selves are doing during this leg full of rain and bungee jumping and mud? Yeah, so do I. Now, we are down to six teams. Who will be Philiminated…?
Credits. I don't want to over-generalize and slag dentists generally, but man, do I hate dentists.
We are in Siracusa, Italy, home of cymbals and small birds. It's also apparently a place where you can still fish right off of public piers without getting toxicsludgemosis. Phil explains that Siracusa was once "the most powerful Greek city in the Mediterranean," but now, it is just another city playing Italian basketball in the Big East conference. And here, at the natural spring, was indeed the fifth pit stop on the race, which Phil calls the sixth pit stop, a bit of confusion I'm just going to have to get over before I drive us all mad. I'm going to wind up like one of those guys who contests his traffic tickets on the basis that the flag in the courtroom has yellow fringe on it. All the teams showed up and rested here in poor, defenseless Italy, which never did anything to deserve it. Phil wonders whether Lake and Michelle will be damaged by the impact of their "emotions," by which he means "obnoxious behavior," and whether BJ and Tyler will be protected by their "carefree ways," by which he means "obnoxious behavior." Yes, it seems likely that their taste for whimsy will continue to protect them from Philimination. Because as you know, it doesn't really matter whether you're competent -- only that you're adequately silly, which is why Glark refers to BJ and Tyler as "Patchouli Adams."
10:33 PM. Eric and Jeremy are in first place again, forcing the women of the world to continue to only hope that the fellas will turn and look over their shoulders long enough to give little old us a second glance. They haven't been talking nearly as much recently about all the nonstop action they get; I really miss that. The clue tells them to take a train to Rome, which is, after all, almost as ruined as they are. Drunken careening! As the music swells to a booming theme somewhere between a passionate gladiator medley and the opening strains of "Thriller," Phil explains that in Rome, they will find Trevi Fountain, where there will be a man with a yellow and red scooter, and that man -- who may or may not be named Mayor McCheese -- will give them a clue. Seriously, I appreciate the effort to enforce thematic consistency, but I don't know why they decided to steal the McDonald's color scheme. Phil is nobody's hamburger-pushing clown. At any rate, it turns out that there are already tickets in the packet for the 8:00 AM train to Rome, so the guys leave for the station. Eric explains in an interview that they find it fun while they're on the race to just "tease [them]selves all day." They are not the first comedians to decide to aim their humor at their most receptive audience, that's for sure. "Let's find out where this bitch is," one of them mutters as they get into their car to head for the train. Do you hear that, Siracusa train station, you bitch?
10:38 PM. BJ and Tyler. They cough up another "Andiamo!" on the way off the mat. I think when he's tired, Tyler doesn't have a lot to offer other than that or "Chef Boyardee!" So he's actually chosen the less culturally insensitive option, which is a little scary. Tyler interviews that they're just as intense about the game as anyone else, but they're also taking the time to keep a positive attitude and, of course, mock the locals for the way they talk. They are so adorable that I just want to wrap them up in several layers of macramé and smoke them in incense until they wheeze for mercy.
11:40 PM. Joseph and Monica. She is very happy about heading to Rome, unsurprisingly, although she talks about how the race sometimes makes her feel "like [she's] going crazy," which many of us have noticed while watching her announce, for instance, that carrying a fish is the worst thing she's ever done in her entire life. She mentions how they go from doing great to having her "bawling and freaking out." Self-awareness is certainly worth something. Monica also mentions that she's always afraid of someone racing right past them. "That fear really makes you very emotional," she says. Also making her emotional: sad songs that say so much, kitties, and probably Ace Young. Just a guess; she seems like the type to go for that whole "Oh, baby, kiss me and let this butterfly alight on your finger" thing. As they leave in their car, she says, "Ugh, it smells like dead fish in here." I bet it does, too, and that would not be what I would want to encounter right at the beginning of a leg. This entire leg kind of makes me hope that the people who rented the cars to this show were really well compensated. I have a feeling they'll be showing this one at the European Rental Car Dealers' Association Conference as part of the presentation Reality, No!.
11:53 PM. Fran and Barry. In an interview, Barry proudly has his arm around Fran and her psychotic purple hat as he salutes her "mental toughness." He calls his wife "a rock." And then, as he does with all immovable objects, he runs her over with their car. Ha ha! Just kidding! (Spoiler!)
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the train station. They get inside and find that the station is not actually open yet, and will not open until 4:00 AM. I have a feeling that's enough time for twenty or thirty sexual encounters for either one of them, so I think I know what they're going to be doing with their free time. They also learn from the bored security guard that their 8:00 AM train is indeed the first one to Rome. Ah -- perhaps we will finally get a nice bunch and stop watching the same teams march around single-file like kids at a fire drill. BJ and Tyler are just behind them getting to the station, and when they get there, BJ calls out, "What's the story, ladies?" Because insulting guys by calling them women is exactly what you do when you're searchers for the funny and ironic. Not to mention the blisteringly original. I can sort of understand how this entire knot of assholes could end up drunk off their asses half-naked and reaching for each other's underwear. After a while, there's nowhere to go with your shtick but directly to the "getting drunk and doing it" place. Or so I've heard.
12:17 AM. Lake and Michelle. She explains as they leave that nothing that's happened to them has "affected [their] commitment to being a team." They start to bicker almost immediately, however, about the directions and the piece of paper and something that they appear to be missing already. "It's your fault this time," she ultimately declares, and he responds, "It's my fault because you didn't pick it up, yeah." "I don't know what else you want," she says. "I didn't git it!" he comes back, cranking up the accent that always means things are about to get either very ugly or very funny. We're one "dadgummit" away from disaster. "It doesn't matter," she says, quite passive-aggressively. "You didn't hand me the damn piece of paper," he insists, "or the sumbitch would be on me!" Utterly unable to drop it any more than he can, she mutters, "It's a big mistake on your part." "You never handed it to me, bitch, now shut up," he says, sailing right over the line without even apparently seeing it going by. "I didn't make a mistake this time, Lake," she says calmly, "but I'm going to take the blame, because I usually do." Why, when I was just starting to like him more, did he have to go to "bitch, now shut up" in a way that sounds kind of serious and mean? I wish he wouldn't do that.
At the train station, Monica and Joseph get the scoop from BJ on the scheduling. Incidentally, I thought there was no one less qualified to pull off the expression "What up?" than I am, until I saw Monica do it. Fran and Barry are close behind, so the teams begin to pile up.
1:02 AM. Ray and Yolanda read the clue. Ray interviews that there's no room for them to make mistakes after their weak showing in the leg. Their plan at this point is to move up gradually, going by one team at a time. That is certainly a good plan, provided your aim is to start every leg in last place.
At the train station, Lake stops for a minute to talk to Eric and Jeremy, and all he leaves them with is Eric's impression that Lake is "bipolar." Ray and Yolanda pull up, and they have a chat with Eric and Jeremy, whom they almost never see, of course. The moon operates as a transitional effect, and then it is morning. Phil explains that all the teams are now aboard the same train to Rome. And then: Rome! Ancient and important buildings! Statues of…historic Corinthian pigs, it seems like! A train full of contestants arriving! First off the train are Eric and Jeremy, followed by MoJo, BJ and Tyler, Fran and Barry, Lake and Michelle, and -- bringing up the rear again -- Ray and Yolanda. Several teams choose to take public transportation to Trevi Fountain, although MoJo and Eric and Jeremy opt for cabs. BJ and Tyler, Lake and Michelle, and Fran and Barry wind up on the same train, but Ray and Yolanda are left behind. They wind up getting the train, so they're already running behind again. Apparently their plan to pass one team at a time is not designed to kick in quite yet.
Eric and Jeremy arrive at the fountain first, and they locate the guy on the scooter. As Phil explains, the clue they get tells them to go less than a mile and find a set of horse carriages near the Spanish Steps. There, they'll find portfolios in the carriages, and the portfolios will tell them what to do . "Keep the contents with you," Eric reads off the clue. Wait, wait, I know! It's going to be portfolios filled with gnomes! I'm not sure what portfolios have to do with anything, unless this is some kind of tribute to the local art students. At any rate, there is an envelope included with the clue, and when they open it, it seems to be part of a drawing, and then some parts of letters. And then Phil explains that the clues are "In the spirit of the upcoming movie, The Da Vinci Code." Oh, barf. Even worse than gnomes! Bad-hair Tom Hanks! Just as pointy-headed, only taller! Phil says that the envelope they have contains part of the famous Da Vinci drawing "Vitruvian Man." The parchment they'll get with the portfolio will be able to be put together with the one they just got to assemble a comprehensible clue. And the first team to put the pieces together and bring it to the pit stop will win a prize. I wonder if the prize will have something to do with a sponsor of the show. No, I really wonder. These are the things that keep me up at night. Eric and Jeremy run for the Spanish Steps.
MoJo, in a cab. They make "vroom, vroom" noises at their driver, always guaranteed to get you a speedy response. They get to the fountain and find the scooter guy. They scramble back into their cab, which may well not be the fastest way to go less than a mile, actually. Maybe they're afraid that along the way, Monica will see a fish and start crying.
Now, other teams are emerging from the metro and running toward the fountain. BJ and Tyler get to the scooter guy first. Lake and Michelle and Fran and Barry are just after them. When BJ and Tyler get the clue, one of them knows it's the "Something Man," and the other says, "It's naked, is what it is." Well, they'd know, I guess. Once the teams all have the clue, they all run for the Spanish Steps, with Fran telling Barry not to lose the other teams, lest they not know how to get where they're going. You're in Rome, and you're afraid you won't be able to find the Spanish Steps when they're less than a mile away? That does…not seem likely. ["In theory, no. In practice, for a team that ran past the same clue box sixteen times?" -- Sars] Now, Ray and Yolanda finally reach the scooter for their clue.
Eric and Jeremy find the horse carriages and open their portfolio. They get a clue that tells them to fly to Athens. Phil tells us that this is about a 665-mile jump. There, they'll find the Agora, where there will be a clue. The portfolio also gives them the other parchment that's needed for the Da Vinci thing, and tells them to combine the two to "crack the code." It takes Eric and Jeremy -- Eric and Jeremy! -- about two seconds to figure out that if you lay one piece over the other piece, they combine to show the words, "You have cracked the code. The first team to the pit stop with the solution wins the prize." As you can imagine, people who did not have seventy percent of their brains consumed with memories of breasts gone by would have an even better shot at it. They "crack" the "code" before they even leave the damn clue box, as a matter of fact. Now, they leave for the airport.
MoJo is in a cab, and Monica comments about how great it is "to walk in the same places as Caesar and…all those people." She apparently doesn't have quite the extensive list of friends, Romans, and countrymen at her disposal that she might wish she did. Hee. They find the carriages and get their portfolio. You'll notice that the teams, by the way, don't do anything with the carriages, like get in them or anything, so I'm not sure what the purpose of the carriages even is. It's like it's just better than a free-standing clue box.
BJ and Tyler, Lake and Michelle, and Fran and Barry all get to the carriages . BJ and Tyler also "crack" the "code" as they're standing there. In the Lake and Michelle cab, this is the first time I notice that he shaved somewhere after the beginning of the leg. He definitely looks less creepy without the neat, angry little beard. He's taking deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm. Ray and Yolanda hit the steps and get their Athens clue. In the cab, Ray says that he's seen lots of shops in Rome, so he'll have to come back here sometime to spend his million dollars.
Teams begin arriving at the airport. Inside, Eric and Jeremy are the first to learn that the first flight to Athens is leaving at 7:25 PM. MoJo winds up with the same tickets. BJ and Tyler are just pulling up outside, and they come in and get the same tickets, too. Lake and Michelle, Fran and Barry, Ray and Yolanda…everybody's got the same flight out of Rome, so they're all together again. The Amazing Yellow Line shows us that all the teams are on their way to Athens. As we see, Athens is a place characterized by big old buildings and people selling things from pushcarts. That's what I've always heard.
Fran and Barry seem to be the first ones to get a cab to the Agora. And Ray and Yolanda are . Crazy! Topsy-turvy! : MoJo. "This is where thinking began," Monica announces in the cab. Does she mean right here in this very cab? Because that would be remarkable. As they pass Ray and Yolanda, Joseph says, "I don't get them." Monica agrees: "They're just all business. All about the race, all the time." Over in the Ray and Yolanda cab, Yolanda sees MoJo and comments, "I'm not sure there's a lot going on there." Ha! Yeah, me neither. Lake and Michelle get out of the airport , meaning that the Choad Family is, for once, running behind. Jeremy asses it up in their cab, doing his best Animal House, momentarily letting that whole side of his personality just run roughshod over all the other parts of his personality, which isn't too difficult, since those other parts are tiny. In other news, Tyler invents the word "Taxi-doodle-doo."
When Fran and Barry arrive at the Agora, they find that it doesn't open until 8:00 AM. thing you know, it's morning, and it's absolutely pouring rain, which is to be an emerging theme for the remainder of the leg. The teams are all let into the Agora, and they start hunting for the clue box. First to get there are Monica and Joseph. In the clue envelope, they see a Fast Forward. Phil explains that this is one of only two on the race. And Phil says "most advantageous to go for it," but you know, it's just not the same anymore. In this Fast Forward, you go to a popular restaurant and break plates until you find one with a clue in it. Jesus, another needle in a haystack? Seriously? Unbelievable. So if you have more than one team trying it, it will be nothing but luck which one gets it. Monica and Joseph decide to go for the FF. Ray and Yolanda decide to just follow the clue, which says, "Travel by train from AG. Anargini railway station to the city of Corinth. To find your clue, get off at the Isthmos station." Phil explains that this is more than 70 miles by train. Eric and Jeremy decide to go for the FF. Lake and Michelle and BJ and Tyler decide to just get on the train, but Fran and Barry are going for the FF, too.
MoJo heads for the restaurant. Eric and Jeremy are looking, too. Ray and Yolanda and BJ and Tyler meet up at a bus that can take them to the train station. Tyler is, to his credit, pretty helpful about pointing Ray and Yolanda to the bus, which is probably wise, since it's unlikely to make a huge difference. Lake and Michelle are going to the train station in a cab.
Restaurant of Plate-Breaking. The locals are dancing, just as you knew they would be. It's either that or insane, head-exploding music. MoJo runs in and immediately starts smashing plates. Eric and Jeremy arrive close behind. Before Fran and Barry can even arrive, Eric and Jeremy get the FF, because in addition to being good and fast, they are also very lucky, almost always. A frustrated MoJo dashes out to head for the train station, convinced, naturally, that they're completely screwed because they wasted time at the FF. In fairness, of all the times I've seen teams blow time at the FF, I think that was about the smallest loss ever. Joseph laments their inferior luck as he and Monica run through the rain. Eric and Jeremy open the FF clue, which tells them to skip everything else and go straight to the pit stop at the Fortress of Rion. Once Phil has shown some pretty pictures of the pit stop, Eric and Jeremy celebrate by diving into and trying to smash all the other plates that are sitting there, because hey, who cares about the people who have to clean up after your ass, right? Outside, they find a marked car that they're to take to the pit stop. Jeremy comments that he cut himself, and I really hope it was at the end, where he was being a shit.
Fran and Barry get to the FF and figure out that it's already gone. Now, they need a taxi to the train. Meanwhile, at the train station, Lake and Michelle get tickets to Corinth first, followed by the bus-taking BJ and Tyler and Ray and Yolanda. "Either the other three teams are competing for the Fast Forward," BJ says on the train, "or they're lost in ancient Athens." The way he says this is a little funny, so of course, he has to add to it, "And may the gods help them," which sends it over the line into irritating and dumb.
Monica and Joseph are looking for the train station, unaware that they are not alone because Fran and Barry also went hunting for the FF in vain. Thus, Monica announces that they're done. "No, we're not!" Joseph protests. They try to get a taxi, but she gets the impression that nobody wants to pick them up. Maybe it's the raincoats. They do look kind of scary.
Commercials. Which I cannot describe for you, as a result of watching this week's episode (legally) courtesy of Google Video.
When we return, MoJo gets directions to get to the train station by bus, just as BJ and Tyler and Ray and Yolanda did. On the bus, Joseph tells Monica that her defeatist attitude isn't actually doing them any good. And then he uncorks the awesome line, "Lift up your spirit before I get pissed." She cries. I may have to keep "lift up your spirit before I get pissed." It's not often that somebody comes that close to a firm, "Be happy, dammit!"
In Fran and Barry's taxi to the train station, Barry is explaining all the things that they do more slowly than everyone else. "So we fall behind. It sucks," he says.
MoJo's bus brings them to the train station. They buy their tickets, and as they wait for the train, he goes to comfort her. She tries to explain to him that getting all upset is her way of coping, and he shouldn't get all upset in return. Fran and Barry's cab gets them to the train station . They're very happy to see MoJo, obviously. These teams wind up on the same train toward Corinth. Monica explains on the train that they were happy to see Fran and Barry, because they're fairly confident that they can beat Fran and Barry if necessary and stay out of last place.
On the other train, Tyler thinks Greece is beautiful; Lake thinks it's "not near as pretty as Italy." Way to go, Mr. My Greek Glass Is Half-Empty. When this group of teams gets off the train, they're unable to find the clue box, and they quickly ascertain that this is not the Isthmos station where they were supposed to get off. They get tickets on a bus to take them there, but as they get on the bus, Michelle wonders if they'll get in trouble for not following the clue by not taking the train to the right station. Good question, lady.
On the later train, Barry is explaining that their bus left about 40 minutes before the one ahead of it.
Now, the bus takes the earlier group to the Isthmos station. They finally find their way to the clue box. They open it, and it's a Roadblock. The question: "Who wants to hear the sound of their own screams?" Phil explains that the Roadblock is the obligatory bungee jump. This particular one is a 240-foot drop off a bridge. Ray, Tyler, and Michelle agree to do the Roadblock for their respective teams. That's also the order in which they get to the bungee place and take their numbers. to Isthmos are MoJo and Fran and Barry, and Monica and Fran agree to do the Roadblock. As soon as she finds out what it actually is, Fran starts to whine extravagantly about how she didn't want to do a bungee jump -- that was the one thing she didn't want to do! How was she to know that if she didn't want to do a bungee jump, she shouldn't take the Roadblock that says, "Who wants to hear the sound of their own screams?" What's great is that Barry laughs at her the entire time. Even he does not feel bad for her. And how can he, really? She called him "pathetic" just one episode ago while he was doing the kayak polo thing, and at least that wasn't one that he took after reading a clue that said, "Who wants to see themselves play kayak polo?"
Ray executes the bungee jump first, and does so with a minimum of drama. He gives a good, loud holler, but it seems like he kind of feels like he has to. When he's done, they receive their clue, which Phil explains is the Detour. Your choices are Herculean Effort and It's All Greek To Me. (Ugh. Gross.) In the first option, you go and compete in three Olympic events: discus, javelin, and -- most awesomely -- diaper wrestling, although you do not have to don a diaper, which is too bad in some cases (Ray) (Joseph). In the second option, you go to an open field and find nine pieces of pottery with Greek letters on them. Bystanders will help you figure out what English letters the Greek letters translate to (sort of), and then you unscramble those letters to spell one of the many, many towns on a map. That just looks tedious to me. Ray and Yolanda choose the Olympics. They get in their car and go.
Tyler does the bungee. He does it in a funny and ironic way, of course. They take the Olympics, and they are thoroughly insufferable about it as they run toward their car. I've never seen hippies squeeing before. I'm not sure I like it.
Michelle jumps. They want the Olympics, too. Monica loves the bungee jump, taking the biggest and most enthusiastic dive of anybody, which is kind of cool. Fran freaks out even more as she listens to Monica scream with happiness. When MoJo gets back, they run into Fran and Barry, and Monica tells her, "Frannie, we love you, you'll be fine." She gives a hug and leaves. She and Joseph are taking the Olympics as well.
Fran cannot stop talking about how terrified she is as she walks out onto the bridge. "Oh my God, I'm so scared!" Barry repeats to us that this is "the one thing" Fran didn't want to have to do. Which, again…why take the one that basically says this is what it is? The rain pounds on Fran as she continues losing her shit. "I'm too scared! Oh, I'm scared!" Thus the part where you hear your own screams, you know? And thus do we once again fade out on someone supposedly too scared to do the bungee jump.
More commercials. I have no idea what they were!
When we get back, Fran is still freaking out. But they count her down from three, and she sort of weakly crawls off the platform and stumbles off. She certainly approaches it like she's trying to die, that's for sure. Of course, as always, the "will she jump or not?" plotline comes to nothing. You'd think they would realize that we're not so fooled by this anymore. She goes, they leave, and they're looking for the non-Olympic Detour with the Greek letters.
Lake and Michelle, in their car on the way to the Detour, are arguing again. He's blaming her, she's telling him to stop yelling at her…things are degenerating. "Dammit," he finally says, "don't be a idiot [sic] right now; don't be crazy right now, you're gonna fall apart right when the pressure gits tough?" He gets more southern the more pressure he's under; have you noticed? ["At least he dropped an actual d-bomb instead of that 'Jupiter Christmas' nonsense he usually says." -- Sars] They go inside somewhere and ask for directions.
Eric and Jeremy, seen so mercifully little in this episode, are arriving at the pit stop. Welcome, you are team number one! And because they put together the kindergarten-level Da Vinci thing together, they get to attend the red-carpet premiere of The Da Vinci Code. "We're pretty excited to see the premiere of The Da Vinci Code," Jeremy obediently says into the camera, making sure that the movie gets the appropriate bang for its buck. I don't understand how these guys can be in Hollywood and remain sane. You know, if you think they're sane. Because they'd be surrounded by breasts, and I don't understand how they could tolerate that and still find enough energy to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide.
Stadium. Olympic Detour. Diaper wrestling! Ray and Yolanda arrive first, and they choose the guy who, I guess, is the one they're going to wrestle. It takes Yolanda two shots to get the discus far enough -- or at least two shots that they show. Ray gets a lesson in javelin.
BJ and Tyler are in their car, and they're beginning to wonder whether they're headed in the right direction. They decide to stop and ask. Lake and Michelle? Also lost. And still fighting. There are a lot of navigational difficulties today, which is always a very hard thing to predict.
MoJo arrives at the stadium. It appears that Ray's javelin problem is getting it to stick in the ground rather than just land flat. I'm not sure I could do that either, actually. (By which I mean, "There is no way.") Monica starts on the discus. She finishes before Ray finishes the javelin, so now, it's Joseph and Ray on the javelin at the same time, taking turns. Ray finishes his turn, so it's time for Joseph to go. Joseph can't get it to stick, either. I really don't mean this to come out sounding so dirty.
Fran and Barry find the stadium, which is also where the Greek letters are located, so they're very happy. They find their way to the little area where all the pottery shards are scattered, and they begin to collect them. When they have all the pieces, they start to gather them up to translate them and "make an English word," according to Fran, which…I think they're making a city name, right? In Greece? Will that be considered an "English word"?
Lake and Michelle get to the stadium, but when they find the Greek letters before the Olympics, they decide to just do that, since they're already there. They collect the pottery pieces as well. When they've gathered all the pieces, Lake gives a hearty "Hay-ll, yah!", and they start assembling.
A very concerned BJ and Tyler finally actually stop somewhere to ask directions. The first guy tells them flat-out that they're just going the wrong way. "We just lost an hour," BJ says, and Tyler corrects that they lost two hours, so I think they drove a full hour in the wrong direction, it sounds like. "This is it, we're done," BJ says. Oh, I wish.
Commercials! But not for me!
We return to find BJ declaring that they're "officially two hours behind all the other teams." "I am so sorry," Tyler says. "But all we can do now is just hope it's a non-elimination." Tyler pauses. "All right, man?" BJ coldly doesn't answer, thus fitting himself ever more neatly into one of my least favorite categories: Partner-Blamer.
Back at the Olympic Detour, Yolanda is cheering Ray on as he throws the javelin. Once again, it bonks on the ground uselessly. Joseph goes , and he manages to make it stick. He and Monica move on. Ray throws again. And again, no dice.
Fran and Barry are working with their pottery shards at the other Detour. (I refuse, for reasons of my dignity and yours, to say "It's All Greek To Me.") A guy helps them figure out what English letters they should be looking for. My favorite part is where they hold up the "M" and the guy solemnly says, "M." Fran goes looking for the map where they're supposed to find the unscrambled city, and she finally finds the maps. "Here the hell it is," she grumps. That was not a very convincing episode of semi-profanity. Meanwhile, Lake and Michelle take their map as well. Michelle talks about how she can't believe they're seeing Barry and Fran, but Lake says he's glad to see them. "They're just better than us," Michelle says snottily. "Shut up!" Lake snaps.
In BJ and Tyler's car, BJ is now wearing a big frog hat. He says it's also for luck, and he finally reaches back and grabs Tyler's hand, deciding apparently that now, it's okay for Tyler to be taken off the hook. Tyler laughs, terribly relieved.
Diaper wrestling! Joseph and Monica are about to get started. Once they start wrestling, Monica keeps kind of dabbling in helping to push the guy out of the circle, and then she keeps sort of prancing away, all, "Heeee heee hee, oh my goooood!" Finally, with no help from Monica, Joseph manages to shove the wrestler out of the circle. So they're done, and they get the clue that sends them to the pit stop. This is a 107-mile trip to the fortress. They get going, and she notes on the map how confusing the whole thing is.
Back at the Olympic stadium, Ray finally gets the javelin to cooperate. He and Yolanda choose a wrestler, and from the beginning, they are in the wrestling together. I also like the way they slap hands with the wrestler, like everybody understands that it won't be anything personal when Ray and Yolanda have to tag-team him in a way that would normally be considered bad sportsmanship. And they do fully cooperate in shoving the guy out of the circle, which seems not to take them all that long. They leave for the pit stop.
Meanwhile, Fran and Barry are finding the assembly of the letters into a city very difficult. "New York Times crossword puzzle? This may be harder," Barry observes. Lake and Michelle are still getting letters translated, and they're still bickering. She wants to double-check every letter, while Lake is sure that if they get eight out of nine, they'll get the right city. I tend to side with her. Over at their little outpost, Fran and Barry find the city of Dimitsana, which is the right one. They get their clue and leave in fourth place. Almost immediately, Lake and Michelle also get the right city and get their pit stop clue. So Fran and Barry and Lake and Michelle are peeling out of the Detour at the same time. In the car, Michelle says that the fortress isn't showing on their map. Their map which, you'll note, has a giant rip in it, which may well be the result of earlier bickering in which they were shoving the map back and forth at each other. Over in Fran and Barry's car, he backs the car into a tree as a result of completely not looking where he's going (the tree is not a secret hidden tree; it is a huge tree that is directly behind them when he hits it). (Miss Alli's Mom: "It wasn't there before! Just like the clue box!") Fran expresses some concern over the fact that he just smashed the back of the car, but he's very much unconcerned. You know, it occurs to me that he's like Inverse Grandpa. "Don't worry about stopping to fix your car!" "Give up immediately!" They stop for directions, and they're told to go toward Patra.
So now, it's raining again, and BJ and Tyler are arriving for their Olympic events. BJ throws the discus.
Lake and Michelle's car. He is freaking out, convinced that they're going the wrong direction. It appears that he has an actual, literal panic attack, judging from the way that before you know it, they're pulled over to the side of the road, and she's up in the front seat, telling him to breathe and rubbing his chest.
Tyler throws the javelin. They finally get their wrestler out of the circle after a fair amount of fucking around, and then the poor wrestler is standing there with a blanket around him. Seriously, dude. I bet it's cold out there in the rain when you're only wearing a diaper. Once they get going, they pull over and ask for directions, and they, too, are sent on the road toward Patra.
Joseph and Monica are also making their way to the fortress. Shockingly, Ray and Yolanda, however, are already there. No, really! They pull in at the fortress and park, and then they run to the mat. "Ray and Yolanda, you are the second team to arrive." And then Phil says the word you do not want to hear, unless it's right after he says you're the last team to arrive. And that word is "however." Phil explains that they indeed did not complete the clue correctly that told them to get off the train at Isthmos, so they are going to have to sit out a 15-minute penalty. Hmm. I don't know how I feel about that one. It's true that they inadvertently didn't get off at the correct station, but the show has always handled intentional violations and screwing up somewhat differently. They probably should get a penalty, but it's kind of weird, because it wasn't failure to read the clue or anything like that, and it wasn't an effort to gain an advantage, like with the famously lawyered clue in TAR1. They just didn't get off at the right train station, and I'm not sure that it wouldn't make sense to just say having to get a bus to where you're supposed to be wouldn't be its own penalty. But at any rate, they have to wait 15 minutes before they can be checked in.
Joseph and Monica arrive and check in, and they are the actual team number two. Aww. Then, it's time for Ray and Yolanda to check in, so they land as team number three.
Lake and Michelle? Oh, they're totally lost. They're sure they're last. Elsewhere, BJ and Tyler are also sure that they're last, although Tyler says that they're excited, because they've had this great experience and so forth.
Fran and Barry arrive at the fortress. Welcome, you are team number four. And apparently, there is no penalty for careless driving or destruction of property.
BJ and Tyler come to the pit stop with BJ on Tyler's back. They're the fifth team to arrive. However. Penalty for getting off at the wrong station. So they'll be waiting out a fifteen-minute penalty. Of course, at this point, it's all over, because Lake and Michelle are the only team left, and they'd be subject to the same penalty, so all this business about whether Lake and Michelle will get there before the fifteen minutes are up is bogus suspense, to say the least.
But here are Lake and Michelle, approaching. Will they make it? Well, they do not make it, and Phil checks in BJ and Tyler as team number five. BJ grabs Phil and gives him an uninvited smooch on the face. "That's just one of you, I hope," Phil says. So of course, Tyler does the same.
Here, at last, come Lake and Michelle. Welcome, Lake and Michelle, you are the last team to arrive. And you are eliminated. She cries, and he hugs her, and he tells Phil that Michelle "did great." In an interview, he insists that they've "gotten along great most of the time." She blubbers that she's sad: "I couldn't do anything to help us." That's a very weird construction there. She interviews that she understands many people will look at their relationship as "completely whacked." Or "wacked." I don't know how the kids use that particular term. She says, though, that their relationship works for them, and for most of the race, I'd have gone along with her. This leg, though… "Shut up, bitch" and such is really not okay, to me, so I would hope maybe he'll look at that on TV and think perhaps he doesn't want to be that guy. I think he has a better guy than that in him.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Yolanda tells Ray not to talk to her like that. BJ collapses from the heat, but as you know, it's probably just a bit he's doing.