Props to Karen, who let me drive by her building, roll down the window, and grab the tape of this episode before I got killed by approaching traffic. And who gave me such good directions out of downtown Minneapolis that I only got lost once, and if I were a normal person, I probably wouldn't have gotten lost at all.
Previously on Pride Goeth Before A Philimination: Charla and Mirna tangled with Colin and Christie and appeared to come out ahead, only to see their lead disintegrate in a pile of pidgin English and fluffy curls. When Charla was slow to eat an ostrich egg and Colin managed to get over his gag reflex just in time, the cousins took a long walk to Sequesterville, undoubtedly complaining the entire time about how sick and disgusting it was.
Credits. You know, Colin secretly hates that boat. He hates the water. He hates the sun. Inexplicably, he gives his own hair a pass.
We return to the bright sun of Tanzania, where apparently, there are animals and children. So it's just like the Minnesota State Fair, except that Tanzania has more rhinos and less alligator meat on a stick. Phil reminds us that Lake Manyara was the most recent pit stop. I have to say, that's one big necklace Phil is sporting. Did he get that from the quarterback of the football team? Because I think that means you're going together, there, Phil. Don't let him pressure you into anything; you don't owe him just because he buys you dinner. Anyway, Phil explains about the eating, and the sleeping and mingling, but the only featured mingling seems to be in the form of a Twinkie looking confused. Maybe two people switched places on her in mid-conversation. Phil wonders whether Ancient Very Very Old People Chip and Kim can stay out ahead of the youngsters, and whether the Twinkies can stop fighting long enough to get out of last place. They have spent a lot of time sucking other people's exhaust, that's for sure.
2:42 AM, also known as Half Past A Very Bad Time To Leave If You Hope To Keep Your Lead. Chip and Kim rip the clue, which tells them to take a taxi 100 miles to Kilimanjaro Airport, where they'll sign up for one of three charter flights to Nairobi, and then go another 2200 miles from there to Dubai. In Dubai, they'll have to find a hotel where their clue is located across the street. Oh, no, a clue across the street from a hotel? I think I've heard that before. That's trouble right there. Chip also informs us that they've received $200 for the leg. And do you need any? I'm sure he'd be happy to give you some. All you'd have to do is ask.
Chip and Kim proceed out to a conveniently located row of taxis, and Chip asks how much to the airport. The guy initially quotes him $150 (not that bad for 100 miles, after all), but Chip ends up getting the ride for $100. In the cab, Chip introduces himself and Kim to the cabbie, and then Kim voices over that Chip's way of befriending strangers has been of great help to them over the course of the race. Chip voices over that "whatever you give out, it will come back to you." And he doesn't mean diseases, either, although it applies in both cases.
At 3:00 AM, it's time for the increasingly grim-looking Colin and the still-perky Christie to blow the pit stop. Christie says that she and Dead-Eyed Headlamp Boy still want to learn to "trust each other." That would be much smarter, I think, if either of them were trustworthy, but I guess she's got to work her own strategy. She touches on the difficulty of having "two decision-makers who work together." And by "decision-makers," she means "pushy, Type-A know-it-alls." When Colin is quoted a hundred dollars, his initial response is "No way." Christie offers 60, but the guy isn't interested. "No, no, no. Hundred dollars," he repeats. Colin claims that they can't pay a hundred. "We can do 60, that's it, all we have is 60 dollars," he says. The cabbie repeats, "One hundred dollars," and then, apparently realizing that they're not going to do any better when faced with this fairly intimidating taxi driver oligopoly, Colin and Christie agree and get in. I think it's partly because nobody can take Colin seriously as a negotiator while he's wearing a headlamp, a T-shirt, khakis, and white sneakers. He looks like he's spelunking in the employee lounge at Best Buy. "You'd better be fast for a hundred dollars, man, that's a lot of money," Colin remarks. He has such a good attitude. If I were a member of the service industry, he would be just the kind of person I would hope to wait on.
3:06 AM. Linda and Karen. Linda talks about how "awesome" it would be to have two moms win. And I agree, but...I don't know about these moms. They do show quite a tendency to fall behind in a wide variety of circumstances. She goes on to insist nevertheless that it's still anybody's race.
3:10 AM. Brandon and Nicole. Brandon rips the clue open with quite a flourish this week. They read the clue, and Brandon manages to mispronounce "Dubai." Which really isn't that hard. He needs to drink a Mai Tai and play jai-alai, and watch Bridge On The River Kwai, and look at a little bonsai. He'll catch on. They also are taken aback at the $100 fare, but all the cabbies continue to hang together and nobody they ask will go cheaper than that. Furthermore, Brandon, sweetheart, it's 100 miles. They charge me $20 for the seven-minute ride to my apartment from the airport, and I have to put up with the cab driver bitching about what a short fare it is and how he's not making any money. (That has happened the last three consecutive times I have taken cabs home from the airport. time? No tip.) In the cab, Nicole bites her lip as we hear her voice over that she and Brandon "need to work on being more aggressive." She notes that the more aggressive teams are ahead, but I'm not sure that the footage of Chip and Kim or Linda and Karen is too convincing right there. Are those teams "aggressive"? Wouldn't that have been better if she had remarked that she and Brandon needed to work on being older?
3:12 AM. (See how close behind Brandon and Nikki the Twinkies are? I think the Charla/Twinkie egg-eating race was totally overblown last week, and I think Charla and Mirna were significantly behind by the time they left that Roadblock.) In their cab, a Twinkie comments that they're going to the airport. So at least she's got that part down. One of them voices over that in general, they need to "slow down." Totally. After all, it's not a race, people. She refers to her team as "spastic," though, and that's kind of funny. She claims that the people in front are the ones that "really analyze the clue." You know, the world would be a better place were it not so densely packed with people who confuse the daunting task labeled "analyze" with the less-intimidating concept known as "read."
As Colin and Christie zip along in their cab, they are approached from behind by Linda and Karen's cab. So maybe they're not zipping all that much. Linda gloats happily about approaching Colin. "Okay, I'm not paying if they pass us," Colin says to his driver. Yeah. Except that you've already made the deal and accepted the service. At this point, you've got no argument. Indeed, in keeping with Chip's theory about what you put out and what you get back, Colin gets a big old face full of karmic blowback as Linda and Karen whiz right by him. He shakes his head. Intensely, of course. Is there any other way? What's more, Brandon and Nicole are only a couple of minutes behind, and before you know it, they pass Colin and Christie as well. So I think their driver really was, for reasons that will become clear, not able to go at full speed. Brandon happily notes that he and Nicole have made it into third place. Colin is not so excited about this turn of events. "You drive slower than my grandma," Colin spits at the driver. Of all the people who are going to enjoy watching this episode, I guess Colin's grandma is officially at the bottom of the list. Because he just insulted her, and also, she's related to him, and...really not a big week for family pride. In fact, it just might be a week to put a bag over your head when you go to Meatloaf Night at the retirement village. Just saying. Christie narrates sadly that they've been passed by two teams now, so they're in to last place. Behind them, the Twinkies look...confused. Chip tells his driver that they just want to make the first charter, while Linda notes that "the pack's really close." Brandon says that he and Nicole are just trying to make the second charter instead of the third. The Bowling Moms get a taste of their own medicine when Brandon and Nicole pass them just like they passed Colin and Christie.
Speaking of Colin and Christie, their cab drifts over to the side of the road and stops. It seems that it has a blown tire. Colin paces angrily, but he hasn't even seen the worst of it, because when he goes to help the guy get the spare tire, he learns that there is no spare tire -- the spare tire is the one that busted. "We're driving with a donut on the front of the car," he snaps back at the driver. "Very bad!" Colin sees a car approaching and flags it down. And what do you know, it turns out to be the Twinkies. Colin tells them that his guy needs to borrow their spare tire, and they get out and obligingly allow the plan to proceed. One of them notes, though, that Colin never thanked them or acknowledged the fact that they had helped him out. It's sad to realize that failure to apologize is going to fall to the third page or so of Colin's list of socially inept behaviors by the end of the episode. It might even be in the footnotes. The Twinkies also hypothesize that in a similar situation, Colin wouldn't have pulled over for them. And I agree. Colin helps the driver change the flat while Christie waits unhappily in the car. I'm getting kind of tired of how much that's the theme of the season -- guys pacing while their girlfriends gaze miserably out of windows. Less girlish inertia would be appreciated.
In further Car Follies, Linda and Karen's cab abruptly peters out when it runs out of oil. And the Twinkies, having left Colin and Christie behind, now come upon Linda and Karen as well. This time, quite understandably, they drive on. Yeah, I'd say you only have to pull over to help one competitor per trip. Actually, I'd say you should pull over to help one less competitor per trip than that. "We're not going to stop again," Karli says. "This is...God thanking us for giving our spare tire away, and I don't feel guilty. I'm not Triple-A." It's a shame she had to screw up that perfectly good "Triple-A" line -- not to mention doing something sensible for once -- with that stupid "God thanking us" thing. What's God thanking you? The Bowling Moms being stopped is God thanking you? You not helping them is God thanking you? I am so confused. And I'm not sure that God is all that grateful that you helped, you know, Colin. In fact, you might have interfered with a bit of an operation God was running, if you get my drift.
Colin completes the changing of the tire -- probably because he would have bitched that the driver was too slow if the driver did it -- and they're on their way. In the cab, Christie asks Colin to just adjust now to the fact that they're going to be on the last charter, and to try to be okay with that. But Colin is probably really happy he didn't listen to her, as usual, because at this point, they come upon the hapless Bowling Moms and their oil-free cab. And, wonder of wonders, they do stop. Colin actually has a weirdly good-humored moment in which he ribs them about driving too fast (a callback to their passing him earlier). I think his mood improved markedly when he realized they could leave Linda and Karen behind them and make the second charter rather than the last one. Colin and Christie's driver calls for another cab for Linda and Karen, leaving the Moms in last place. Karen is told that it will take about ten minutes to get a new cab.
At Kilimanjaro Airport, the first team to arrive is Chip and Kim. Chip gives his driver a twenty-dollar tip on top of the hundred-dollar fare. Yeah, in a normal situation, that's just good manners, but when you've got $200 for the leg? Too much, Chipper. Kim voices over that Chip is generally a really generous tipper, and it's hurting them with money, although endearing them to the International Association of Taxi Drivers. I think that particular organization has Chip's picture up on the wall of its members-only treehouse, but I fear it won't be up for long. In fact, it may now contain dart holes. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They sign up for the first charter, leaving at 8:30 AM. Brandon and Nicole arrive at the airport , and they sign up to share the 8:30 flight with Chip and Kim. They're happy about getting there, but almost immediately start arguing about what and how to pay their cabbie. Because financial dealings with cab drivers are one of this week's themes, in case you didn't pick up on that one by yourself. We're here to help.
The Twinkies pull up to the airport and hop on the list for the second charter. They pay their cabbie without incident -- do you think maybe they feel a little more secure about money than the other teams? Could that be...foreshadowing? One of them comments that she's really happy to have crawled out of last place and be in the middle of the pack. Yeah. And all it took was two large mechanical failures impeding other teams. She should be really proud of what they've accomplished.
Dun-dun-duuuuun! Okay, let's get ready to grrrrrrrumble! Colin and Christie's driver pulls up outside the airport. Colin decides to grant himself a 50-percent discount, and informs the driver that he will give him 50 bucks -- he can take that, or get nothing. I have no idea what makes Colin think the driver sees that as one of Colin's options -- if Colin had the option of saying "50 or nothing," why wouldn't he have the option of saying, "Yeah, never mind, I'm not paying you." Or paying a dollar. You don't have that option, dear -- cabbies aren't going to just say, "Damn you, if you don't give me my hundred dollars, I don't want anything from you!", and then go stomping off with their hands on their hips. In other words, you don't have a new choice to make at the end of a cab ride. You're not free to decline the deal like you are at the beginning. You should assume that the cabbie has some method of enforcement, and he isn't really required to "take it" on a "take it or leave it" deal after he's already delivered the service. At any rate, the driver wants to know why Colin won't pay him the agreed-upon amount, and Colin tells him it's because he drove on the spare tire the whole way. The driver says he wants his hundred dollars, but when he declines to accept the 50 that Colin is offering, Colin says that's fine, and walks away with all of his money, apparently considering the matter closed. Yeah, probably. Fool. The driver looks after him unhappily. I have absolutely no idea why the driver didn't lock their bags in the trunk at this point, because I certainly would have.
Inside, Colin and Christie sign up for the second charter flight, and then Colin heads back to the cab for their bags. The driver, however, is on his way into the terminal, where he intercepts Colin. Colin, absurdly, starts arguing with the guy about how the delay made him fall behind other teams, which is totally not the point, because the guy absolutely could not care less, and isn't obligated to care. On the other hand, Colin says to him, "We said, 'If you want a hundred dollars,'" and then the guy cuts him off, so I think that Colin probably did tell the guy as they were leaving that they'd pay him a hundred dollars if he got them there in the cab in the same order they left in, but I also suspect that it was done as something of an afterthought, and that the driver wouldn't have taken it to mean they didn't have to pay him anything -- or that they could set their own price -- if it didn't work out that way. Furthermore, that wasn't even Colin's argument initially -- when he first offered the guy the 50 bucks, he told him it was because driving on the spare was unsafe. So I don't think he's making that up when he says it later, but it's not much of a leg to stand on. "Give me my money, one hundred dollars," the driver tells him. Colin offers 50 again, and the guy flatly refuses. Again, Colin seems to think it's over in that case, and he leaves, giving his snotty little, "Oh, well, your loss, you get nothing."
Outside, Linda and Karen arrive. It appears that they pay their driver in full, despite the oil problems. Go figure. Inside, they sadly note that they are all alone on the last plane. "Here we go again," they moan. Indeed, they are the Bad News Bowlers.
Unsurprisingly, Colin's taxi driver is not finished, as he has now brought a police officer, which is exactly what you should expect if you pull this kind of thing. Whether or not what Colin is doing is theft in a technical sense, which I can't speak to as a non-expert on Tanzanian criminal law, it's certainly theft in spirit, and I'd get a cop, too. A discussion ensues in which a lady at the airport who translates for Colin tries her best to tell him that the thing to do here is to finish his business with the cab driver and get on with his damn life, but that's not happening. Colin goes back to his "I'm happy to give him fifty dollars" routine. "Not fifty dollars," the woman tells him. "He wants one hundred." "Well, that's too bad," Colin says, turning back to the driver. "You can take fifty dollars, or you can take nothing." "I don't need fifty dollars," the driver says. "I need one hundred dollars." "Well, I'm not giving you a hundred dollars," Colin says. "You can bring any policeman you want down here, okay? You can bring the president of your country down here, and I'll be glad to talk to him." Considering that, as I understand it, said president was responsible for little things like, you know, reforming the entire political system, I don't suspect it would be a huge problem to deal with the likes of you, you sputtering dumb-ass. Colin repeats that driving two hours on the spare tire was "unsafe." Which is why when the cab broke down, Colin insisted on calling another one like Linda and Karen did, rather than just borrowing another spare and risking his life in that very, very unsafe situation. Oh, wait. He didn't. Aaanyway, Colin, the cop, and the cabbie go outside to continue their chat, and the cop invites Colin to the police station. Chant with me! Here we go: Throw him in the clink! Throw him in the clink! Anyway, Colin asks how far the station is, and the cop points out that it's kind of right over there, meaning that the guy is probably airport police as opposed to the regular kind. Which is probably lucky for Colin.
Once Colin arrives at the police station, he asks the gentleman behind the counter whether he speaks English. "Yes. Do you know how to speak Swahili?" Ooh, burn. Yeah, somewhere around here, Colin should have just realized the way the wind was blowing and cut his losses, but hey, that would be rational. And not adequately intense. Christie follows him, saying in an impatient, "Come on, dipshit, it's time to knock it off" kind of tone that she doesn't understand why he wasted time even walking over here. As if his girlfriend is quite simply the stupidest person he has ever met, Colin says, "Our flight doesn't leave for three and a half hours. This is going to take five minutes. So please stop making things worse. Please?" Worse than he's making them? That would be quite a feat, unless she manages to get them tarred and feathered and forced to swallow whole peppers until they catch on fire. Knowing it's futile to argue, Christie stands back and observes. Up at the counter, Colin repeats that he will pay 50 dollars, and no more. But he has no problem paying the 50 -- "No problem," he says. "Hakuna matata."
I'm sorry, my head just exploded from him being such an enormous tool. Wait while I clean up. I mean, yes, that's a real expression. But there's no way that a couple of guys who probably deal with tourists constantly haven't just about had it up to here with people whose entire Swahili vocabulary consists of "hakuna matata." It's like if every tourist who came to the United States had a vocabulary consisting of "Show me the money!" About the third time I heard it, blood would be spilled.
Okay. Exploded head is all cleaned up. Anyway, the guys behind the counter prepare to call their boss, while back at the airport, the teams speculate about what's happening to Colin. Chip, not sure whether to be amused or alarmed at the mess Colin has sunk himself into, says he certainly wouldn't get into it with the police over fifty dollars. Yeah. We saw the twenty-dollar tip, sweetheart. We know. Chip speculates that "the team that's going to destroy Colin and Christie, that's Colin and Christie." And oh, amen to that.
Back at the station, Colin and Christie stand outside talking, and he makes the preposterous statement, "This would be so much easier if you weren't making it so difficult." She calmly asks what exactly she's doing that's making it difficult. She points out that nothing has even happened since she got there, so she certainly hasn't changed the circumstances for the worse. She says she hasn't done anything but share her opinion that it's a waste of time. Finally, Sam Manhalwa, the officer who runs the station, arrives. Colin introduces himself. The boss asks what's up with the hundred dollars, and Colin says that he only ever promised a hundred dollars if they arrived in the same order in which they left. Again, I suspect that at some point, he said something like that. But again, that's a totally different argument from "it's unsafe," and changing your argument is always a sign that something is amiss. But at any rate, Colin goes on to explain that the spare tire blew out on the ride when they hit a bump. Then, already losing his temper again after obviously trying to start out with Sam on the right foot, Colin says sharply with an abundance of hand gestures that leaving on a two-hour trip (he says "two-hour journey," actually, which is kind of dorky) with a spare tire on the car is a stupid move. Which is true. "How much would you like to pay him?" Sam asks, fairly clearly offering Colin his intervention as a mediator. I thought it was abundantly obvious at that moment that Sam agreed in part with Colin, and would have tried to get him twenty dollars off or something. Colin, however, responds in exactly the wrong way, by again snapping, "He can have 50, or he can have nothing." I firmly believe that if he had said, "I'll pay him 50; I think 50 is fair," he would probably have ultimately walked away at 75.
But that's not what happens. Instead, Colin decides to leave -- during a discussion with airport security, which...no, no, no -- and Sam follows him outside. "Let's discuss it peacefully," Sam says, giving him more leeway than he's entitled to. Colin says they've already discussed it peacefully, but Sam cuts him off. "I'm a police officer. This here is a police station. You see?" Seriously. Do you see, Colin? Part of what happens here is that Colin reacts as if he has a lot of power in a situation in which he basically has none. If he wanted a discount, he was going to have to be humble about it, because he wasn't entitled to it, and these guys aren't necessarily going to feel instinctively inclined to help him. I agree with him that leaving on a 100-mile trip where you know people are in a hurry when you're driving on a spare tire is not a good move, and not a very up-front way to operate, and that Colin probably should have gotten a break on the fare as a show of good faith. But in terms of actually trying to get that break, it was a favor he was asking for -- a courtesy, essentially. And you ask for courtesies, you don't yell for them.
At any rate, Christie is telling Colin to pay the money so they can leave, so now you know he's definitely not going to do that. Sam tells Colin that he entered into a contract, which is exactly right. He says that if Colin has a different interpretation under which he's entitled to pay less than he owes, he needs to prove it, because the guy can't just take his word for it. Colin says, "There's no contract," a couple of times, and finally just yells right in Sam's face, "THERE'S NO CONTRACT!" You really don't yell at cops like that, dude. Haven't you seen...well, any episode of Cops, ever? Colin then returns to insisting that they have to make their flight. Sam says that the driver wants to have Colin charged -- presumably with theft of services or something similar. Christie points out the obvious, which is that they don't have time for Colin to stand around getting charges filed against him. Sam -- increasingly angry at Colin's standing there and ignoring him on his turf, among other things -- orders Colin to go inside the station and wait. Now, Colin announces he's not going inside. "Right now, inside," Sam repeats. Colin voices over about going to jail, and then we at least have the peace of advertising.
Commercials. Nothing makes me feel honored as a woman like the sight of a lot of other women with writing on their tummies explaining about stomach problems they're having.
When we return, Colin is inside the station, still arguing, and Christie is still trying to tell him that they don't have time to stand around arguing about it. Sam explains to Colin that he and the taxi driver are both partially right. "Now who's going to give [the driver] his rights?" Sam asks. "I've got to make my flight," Colin insists, like they're going to care. Dude, once you're getting yourself arrested, they're not really interested in making sure you're not inconvenienced. They understand that if you weren't in jail, you'd have somewhere to be. In fact, that's one of the things that makes jail work, is the way it kind of puts you out. Colin picks up his money, takes a hundred dollars, and tosses it into the air as he leaves. Sigh. We've come a long way since "impromptu diplomats." It's actually a little sad. But if the driver had yelled out, "No tip?", that would have been the funniest thing ever to happen on this show.
As they leave the station, Christie says, "Colin, wait for me." "Walk fast," he answers darkly. "Don't be mad at me," she says -- defiantly at this point, not pleadingly. Colin starts to say, "He took --" and she cuts him off. "No, he didn't," she says. "Don't make it up in your head, Colin." Ooooh, she landed on the perfect line, actually. As they walk back to the terminal, Colin voices over that he was frustrated by Christie's reaction, because whether he was right or wrong, he wanted her to back him up. Which...yeah, there's a place for that, and for not undercutting when somebody is in the middle of trying to stand up for something he thinks is important, but that? Wasn't it. When you start to take the other person's welfare into your hands -- not to mention when you're that completely wrong and that completely out of hand -- you're past expecting to turn around and see "My Asshole, Right or Wrong" on a waving flag. In a bit that seems a bit hacked-up, he says, "I want a different kind of relationship," and she answers, "That pisses me off, Colin."
Colin and Christie return to the group at the airport. Linda asks if he "got away with it," and Colin holds up two fingers. "Came that close," he says. Uh, when? Anyway, he begins to regale the group with the tale, as Linda ribs him about how disappointed she is that he didn't win the battle. Hee. Unbelievably, he attempts to blame Christie, saying that he would have won if she weren't there -- presumably telling him they didn't have time, which I guess sabotaged all his careful negotiating strategy. Not sure how that did any harm, considering how he was standing there insisting he had a flight to catch anyway. Christie cuts him off with a well-deserved, "Oh, my God, just get over it," and he's all, "I'm just telling the story, is that all right with you?" Yeah. It's not the telling, creep, it's the way you're telling it. Christie turns and walks out, not about to stand there and listen to him blame her. ["It is at this point that I would have literally, physically separated Colin's face from his skull with my hands." -- Sars] Kim voices over: "Colin is so abusive and belligerent to Christie, she is constantly living in stress." Well, we can argue about appropriate use of the word "abusive" all day, and even about in what sense Kim means it, but I think there's no remaining doubt that he is a huge jackhole who needs a few years of Remedial Social Skills if he's going to try to hang around with grownups.
I mean, honestly. Look at the situation. You have one chance to visit Tanzania. You have one chance to be on television, on a really good and cool show that people really like. You have one chance to share this experience with your girlfriend. And you decide to act like...this? Good God. Mirna was full of shit, but at least she was trying to have a good time. Better a persecution complex than a prosecution complex. Besides, again, this show does not give you enough money or enough fame to live on for the rest of your life. I just can't understand people who can't wrap their brains around how short your time as a cast member is, compared to the amount of time you're going to spend as a former cast member, the entire pleasantness of which is going to be determined not just by whether you win, but by how you act. Is this the guy you want to be, for fuck's sake? No matter who you really are, do you really want to be the guy who touched off a discussion about various and assorted Creepy-Ass Men and Bad Boyfriends We Have Known? You really want to be the guy who made everybody embarrassed at a national level because you made us all feel like we needed to send flowers to Tanzania and apologize for you? This is just no way to act.
Chip and Kim and Brandon and Nicole leave on the first charter out of Kilimanjaro at 8:30 AM. As Phil reminds us, once they get to Nairobi, it will be time for a flight to Dubai and the Clue Hotel. Both teams express relief about being on the first flight.
Back at the airport, Colin and Christie "talk" about their blowup. She explains, inordinately calmly, that she was frustrated by the "waste of time." His response, according to the captions: "Do you see how you are just harping on me?" Pfft. He hasn't seen harping. At any rate, I think he actually said "were" harping on me -- I think he's talking about before, at the station, not right now. She goes on to say that she wasn't harping just to harp, that she got frustrated and perhaps didn't handle it in the best possible way. Did she just apologize? Ew. Gross. I mean, she may have cranked up the complaining for a while, but it's not like he didn't earn it, and she certainly doesn't owe him any apologies. Ew. Yeah, it's worth two "ew"s. Possibly more.
Their flight takes off at 9:30, carrying both of their increasingly unsettling asses as well as the Twinkies'. Linda and Karen wait for their charter -- the last one, of course.
At the Nairobi airport, Chip and Kim and Brandon and Nicole are just arriving. Inside, they all get tickets on a flight on Kenya Air that leaves at noon.
At 10:30, Karen and Linda's flight finally takes off. Shortly thereafter, Colin and Christie and the Twinkies arrive, and they go in and get tickets on the same flight. As these teams prepare to board, they note that the only team not there yet is Linda and Karen. At 11:40, as the flight to Dubai is boarding, Linda and Karen are arriving. They spot the rest of the teams boarding the plane as their plane is taxiing, so they bolt inside to try to get tickets on the same flight. The guy tells them that there's nothing he can do, because the flight is leaving in ten minutes. In my favorite moment of the whole episode, the guy walks away from them saying, "Okay." And Linda turns around all, "You'll do it?" And he says, "No." Hee hee. Yeah. Some "okay"s are just "I'm done with you." She begs some more, but there's just not anything the guy can do. So the noon flight from Nairobi to Dubai leaves without the moms. Kenya Air has nothing else, so they set out to wander the airport looking for another option. They eventually find a later flight that will get in at 12:19 AM -- about six hours after the other teams, who will land in Dubai at about 6:00 PM tonight. They complain some more about how they're always in last place. Ladies? Less lamentations. More getting out of last place. And honestly, they should immediately realize that they have a reasonably good shot at catching up, if the arrival times are dinnertime and midnight.
In Dubai -- which they finally deign to tell you is in the United Arab Emirates -- the noon flight from Nairobi lands. The teams run through the airport, with Chip calling out, "Twins, where we runnin'?" Nooooo, Chip! Don't ask them! They don't know! You'll end up in Denmark! They all head into taxis outside the airport and ask for the Clue Hotel. (No, I don't know how to spell it.) In his cab, Chip makes it sound like he was hanging with the Twins, talking about how they "made the old man have to run again." Heh.
When the teams get to the hotel, it turns out that the cab driver really doesn't want to let you out where the clue box is -- he wants to take you right to the door of the hotel. It looks like the only team to be let out right by the box is Chip and Kim, so Chip is the first with his hands on the clue. The clue sends the teams to the hotel's heliport -- hours of operation for that being 8:00 to 6:00 PM. They missed it by about fifteen minutes, it would appear, and now they have to wait until morning. Somebody (Colin, I think) comments that at least they have a fourteen-hour break to rest. Seriously. He could accumulate an elaborate Dubai criminal record with that kind of leisure time available.
Speaking of people who will be happy to make the best of the hours of operation, the Bowling Moms arrive in Dubai later that night. When they read the hours of operation, they realize they're back in it. I'm not sure when I stopped really being happy for them anymore, but it was probably, like, the ninetieth time they had their asses saved. It's getting a little silly.
At ten to eight the morning, the sun is brilliant over the striking curved architecture of the hotel. The teams all head for the glass elevator that they have to ride to the top. While they're heading up, Colin says, "Gimme a kiss," so Christie does. They both look bored. That didn't creep me out as much as it did some people, and it actually seemed like he felt a little bit bad and was looking for reassurance and a certain amount of face-saving, but it certainly is not a relationship built on overt warmth. Let me ask you something else weird -- aside from that kiss right there, how many times during the race would you have been able to prove they weren't brother and sister? I'm asking seriously. Do they have sparky affection of any kind between them? Anything like Nicole jumping on Brandon's back to go across the rocks, or Chip teasing Kim about being Queen Nefertiti...how many times would they have looked weird if you had thought they were brother and sister? I would venture to say...not very many. Just an observation. Posited: Blake and Paige were more romantic than Colin and Christie.
At any rate, as everyone ascends in the glass elevator, there is much ooh-ing and aah-ing over the view, which does look to be spectacular. At the top, everyone heads for the clue box at the same time. Phil explains that they now have to get themselves to a water taxi station, where they'll take a water taxi to the Port of Dubai. There, they'll have to find a traditional boat called a dhow, where a guy will give them a clue. "Dhow." Hmm. Never heard of it, but Microsoft Word recognizes it. What do you know. I hate it when I'm less worldly than my computer.
Everyone heads downstairs and gets -- once again -- into taxis. Chip and Kim ask whether the water taxis are nearby, as Kim worries about whether they're going to have enough money for whatever the task is. Colin and Christie manage to get passed in their cab by the Moms again (because apparently, word travels fast in the taxi underground that the American with the bad attitude is an even worse tipper), which causes Colin to start up again with the demands that the guy go very fast. When they all arrive at the water taxis, Brandon and Nicole have nothing but twenties, and when the driver (unsurprisingly) fails to have any change, Brandon gives him a twenty and lets him keep it, much to Nicole's chagrin. When she protests, he seems -- although frustrated -- to stop and give her the opportunity to go back if she really wants to, but I think she knows he's right, basically. Chip and Kim, Brandon and Nicole, and the Twinkies wind up on the same water taxi. On the ride, Nicole asks around and is frustrated to find out that everyone else only paid their cab driver nine dollars. "You can't keep giving twenties out, baby," she says. Again, whiny, but she's right. Kim voices over that she agrees with Nikki, and that Chip is the same way, with all of the throwing the money around.
Colin and Christie and the Moms pull up to the water taxi station. They, too, share a water taxi.
Chip asks a bunch of locals for the particular boat they're looking for, which he calls a "dee-how" boat. And I'm not sure that's going to help. On the other hand, they do find it, so apparently, it worked. Perhaps the locals are used to translating from Microsoft Word. On the boat, Chip and Kim -- "Currently in 1st Place" -- get their clue. And it's the Detour. Pros and cons, yadda yadda yadda. This week's Detour is a choice between Off-Plane and Off-Road. In Off-Plane, you both skydive, tethered to instructors. The downside, time-wise, is that it's one team to a plane, and planes only go once every 45 minutes. In Off-Road, you go to the same dunes where the skydivers will land, and you drive a 4x4 over the dunes through a course. Don't get stuck, or they'll have to tow you. Oh, and you have to take a safety guide with you, so don't get any wacky ideas about popping wheelies.
Chip and Kim choose the Off-Road, while the Twinkies and Brandon and Nicole are jumping. Well, Nicole is jumping. Brandon seems against it, but Nicole states her opinion, and she seems to prevail. Chip and Kim, on the other hand, are clearly having trouble finding a taxi driver who has any idea where it is they're trying to go. The slightly lagging Colin and Christie and Moms get their clue, and both choose Off-Road, with Christie making it fairly clear that she wants that option because she doesn't want to wait to skydive. When Colin and Christie's cab pulls up, she leans in to talk to the driver, and when he comes up to her, she points at the back of the car and says, "Go! Back there, I'm talking to him." See, it's interesting, because...when she does stuff like that, I really don't see her as the shrinking violet type. I see her as the bad-at-bickering type, but not the cowed-by-her-boyfriend type. I'm just not seeing it. In spite of her weird apology, I get the feeling that she doesn't put up with a lot of shit from him before she gives him a kick, and when she doesn't, it seems like it's because she knows there's no point, rather than because she's scared of him. In other words, I think he's a complete ass to her, but I don't think he runs her. From the door-blocking, you can see that she's perfectly capable of diving down into some of the same overcranked, immature crap that he likes so much. After all, she never once told Colin he was being an embarrassing asshole; she just said he was wasting her time.
In Chip and Kim's cab, meanwhile, they note that their money is running low and the meter is ticking up. In Brandon and Nicole's cab, they're not looking all that excited about the skydiving. In Colin and Christie's cab, he's yapping about how he's got all kinds of off-roading experience, so he's all set. Whatever. In Linda and Karen's cab, Linda's saying she's always wanted to off-road on sand dunes, and Karen is saying, "You'd better not flip us." Heh. Back in Chip and Kim's cab again, Chip is voicing over that he realized he didn't have the money to pay the guy. Ooh, not cool. You gotta tell the guy that, Chip. It certainly is Screw The Taxi Industry Week.
All the skydivers arrive at the Aeroclub. Brandon and Nicole blow by the flag on the way to the entrance, even though they see it, but when the Twinkies get there, Karli gets their cab to stop at the flag, and she wants to get out. Kami overrules her, though, all, "Just because we see the flag, that doesn't mean this is the spot." So she makes the driver leave and follow Brandon and Nicole. When they all wind up circling back to that fateful flag, Karli understandably can't resist pointing out that she was right. Both teams pile out of their cabs at the airfield, and the first to the clue box is Brandon, so he grabs the little "1" off the post for their team, putting KamiKarli 45 minutes behind them. When he waves the "1" at the camera, it's particularly nice that Brandon resists doing a "We're Number One!" with one finger. To her credit, Kami immediately apologizes to Karli, and says she's sorry, and she should have listened. You know, people don't often do that quite that readily; that impressed me.
Commercials. DEAN CAIN! Okay, I'll tell you the story of my "Super Wishes" picture. In the early days of widely-used AOL, I used to hang out in some of their chat rooms (this was before I had Real Live Internet at home, even). During the run of Lois and Clark, they had a chat with him (I KNOW!), which I went to (I KNOW!). And they had a trivia question at the end, and the five fastest people to answer won autographed pictures. Thus, I have an autographed picture of him that says, "To Linda, Super Wishes." I am not even lying. It's mostly because I can type fast, and I'm obsessive enough to remember stupid details like the name of the award that they were fighting over in some early episode or another. Because that was the question. (I KNOW!)
When we return, Kami and Karli are sitting in white chairs, waiting for Brandon and Nicole to take off ahead of them. Karli is still pissed. Kami's like, "Get over it," and Karli's like, "I'll get over it when I want to get over it," and there are the Twinkies I know. Their moment of grace couldn't last, unfortunately. Brandon and Nicole's skydiving plane takes off. On the ground, we are treated to the extended dance mix of the Twinkie pout, with extra cowbell.
In the Colin/Christie cab, Colin feels the need to point out how much he'd love to go skydiving (because he's not a sissy or anything, AT ALL), but they're taking the Off-Road option on the theory that it will be faster. They are the first to arrive at the 4x4s, hollering "very fast" at everybody all the time, which is just getting really old now, so they should quit it. The guide tells Colin to follow the flags and get to the endpoint as quickly as he can. Colin takes off. Woooo! Off-roading! Anyway, so Colin is getting his Big Stud Moment on, and you can just kind of doze off around here if you want to. You won't miss much, except his efforts to overcompensate, if you get my drift. Yeah. When I told Mirna I didn't think he had a Napoleon complex, I shouldn't have said I didn't think he was short -- I should have said I didn't think he was short like that.
As the Moms approach the Off-Road, Linda tells Karen not to worry -- "If we roll, we roll," she chirps. Heh. They get there and get in their vehicle. Meanwhile, here come Chip and Kim, realizing that the meter has ticked right past their ability to pay the driver. When he pulls up to the Detour, Chip offers the driver all the money he's got, and pretty much begs for mercy. Not really wanting to get in a fight about it, the driver apparently decides to go along. The way Chip describes it, they were about ten bucks short. That's ten bucks out of what it sounds like was about a $25 fare, so that's not just whistling "Dixie" either, as my father would say. That's seriously shorting the cabbie, and that's too bad. Chip goes on to voice over, a little inappropriately, that the cabbie went along, and Chip thinks it's because he puts out so much positive karma or whatever. Yeah. I'm sure the cabbie will enjoy eating all the food he can buy with the proceeds from your past good deeds. I love Chip, but...no.
Linda and Karen are in their 4x4, where Karen is lamenting the fact that she essentially fears that she is about to die. They leave, followed by Chip and Kim. And it takes Linda about twelve seconds to get stuck in the sand. This time, she does manage to get out on her own without a tow.
Oh, look. Brandon and Nicole are skydiving. Brandon says that the worst part of skydiving was looking down and seeing the other teams, and then having to wait. On the ground, Colin streaks across the dunes, and Brandon and Nicole then jump out of their plane. Colin drives. Brandon and Nicole succumb to gravity. The music swells. Colin and Christie run to the clue flag. "I'm glad I had experience, because that was not easy." Yeah. And nobody else could have done that, right? Whatever. Anyway, the clue tells them to climb aboard a camel and use a GPS navigation system to get to the pit stop. Aww, look! All of Shecky's relatives! And they're wearing cute little outfits! I tend to agree with the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters that the little noseguards the camels are wearing are actually anti-spit devices. They're very dapper, whatever they are. Phil explains that the camel will be dragged by a camel wrangler, whom the team will have to direct, using a handheld GPS gizmo. And where is the pit stop? It is at a "Desert Oasis." Wait, it's not a castle? That's like when they used to have ones like "Jungle Camp." Throwback! To the days before four-poster beds and clawfoot tubs! Once again, Phil does not say that the last team to check in will be Philiminated. So, wait, they will be, then? I'm so lost now. I'm lost without my not-so-secret not-so-subtle clues, I tell you! You will be shocked to hear that Colin immediately announces that he knows how to use the GPS. Yeah. It looks real hard, with the giant arrow and everything.
Elsewhere, Brandon and Nicole land. They pull the camel clue. They board the camel, and Brandon says to the camel, "Let's go...donkey." D-- donkey? I'm assuming that's a joke. Brandon? That's not a donkey. It's biiiiiiigger than a donkey. With more humps. Brandon is pretty.
Back at the Aeroclub, the Twinkies leave on their skydiving plane. They speculate that they are "screwed," but allow as how they don't actually know for sure.
Chip and Kim, on the other hand, are screwed for sure. He comments that he doesn't see any flags, and she breaks the news that she doesn't either. Chip picks up some tire tracks to follow, and hopes out loud that they're not the ones he just made. In a sense, it would be just as well if they were, because at least he would eventually get back to wherever he went wrong.
Elsewhere, now Linda really does get herself stuck. She spins the wheels, which, predictably, dig her farther and farther down into the sand. Linda rubs her forehead miserably as her wheels throw sand into the air. Man, I've had that day at work. Many times.
Commercials. Wait...we're all supposed to have Barbie anniversary parties now? Please. I can barely remember my own birthday anymore.
Back on the dunes, Linda is still spinning the wheels. They've realized that now, they're going to have to wait for the promised tow, which will undoubtedly slow them down, even though I don't think it's far back to the base at this point.
Meanwhile, Chip and Kim finally spot the flag they're supposed to be heading for, and they seem to get themselves pointed in the right direction at last. However, just as things are improving, Chip, too, digs himself into the sand.
The Twinkies prepare for their jump. Eeeeee! With any luck, they'll manage to continue traveling in a downward direction until they come to rest on the ground. This is probably the least likely to get lost that they've been all season.
Colin, meanwhile, is -- of course -- berating his camel wrangler for not being fast enough. With Brandon and Nicole hot on his tail, Colin says that he certainly would rather not be passed yet again on this leg. Both teams start to be rather obnoxious with their wranglers, which is just...I don't know. They're all so damn bossy. Obviously, Colin is the worst, but none of them are covering themselves in glory at the moment. Despite Colin being pushier, Brandon eventually gets his guy to put the camel in a trot, which is kind of cool. And Brandon thinks it's cool, which is fun.
And then, Phil is there, waiting at the pit stop, like a tall glass of cool New Zealandian water. (Incidentally, I like to use the phrase "New Zealandian" once per season in order to harvest emails from the people in New Zealand who think I'm so stupid that I don't realize that's not a phrase they would use. I'm a big fan of non-words, People From New Zealand, so step off.) Phil does that thing they try once a season where he points off the mat, as if demonstrating for the greeter, "Look! There's a team, arriving! But the camera is not showing who it is!" ["I always feel sort of bad for Phil having to point all Philrence of Philrabia like that." -- Sars] Aaaaand it's Colin and Christie, finishing up in first place, both as racers and as, in Colin's case, fuckin' assholes. They are welcomed and told of their first-place finish. Oh, and they've won a vacation to "the sunny Caribbean." Eh. Maybe Colin will get eaten by...whatever the Caribbean has that's carnivorous. Christie does a weird post-leg interview in which she talks about being stressed -- check! -- and being afraid of being in last place more than necessary -- check! -- and concludes with a breezy, "I should have never been angry at him." Ch -- wait, what? She should have never...oh, feh. How totally gross. They are not entertaining, they are just weird and bothersome.
Brandon and Nicole run up to the mat in second place.
Linda and Karen are being towed out. Once they're clear, Linda yells out that she wants to pass Chip and Kim, who appear to be stopped in their tracks, worrying about being passed. From the sky, the Twinkies are preparing to descend. Chip and Kim are towed from their position of stuck-itude, and now they're on their way, also.
Twinkies, jumping. "Aaaaaaaaaaah!"
Chip and Kim, tearing up the sand course. Moms, just behind them. Twinkies, falling to earth. Chip and Kim pull up to the camels first, followed by the Moms. They both read about the GPS and such, and then they head out on their beasts of burden. Just then, the Twinkies are in the process of landing, and reading about how "the last team to check in may be eliminated." One more spontaneous and in-unison "woo!" from them, and all three of these teams are on camels, headed for the pit stop.
Chip and Kim run up to the mat. Yay! They are team number three. They give Phil a little hug. I really don't like these full-contact pit stop arrivals. Phil is not your friend. Phil is The Philiminator. Stop acting like he's your brother. Or, in Mirna's case, that guy you've been stalking.
The Moms and Twinkies urge on their camels. Linda calls her camel "Mr. Camel," and he's all, "Are you mocking me with the formality?" Teams, cameling! Camels and camel guys, doing all the work! And then Linda and Karen are at the pit stop, getting down from their camels and running to the mat. So they are not in last place, and they are very grateful.
A little more in last place are the Twinkies. They walk up to the mat and are told that they're last. The good news? Non-elimination leg. The bad news? Hand over all your money. And...damn, it looks like they were thrifty, too. Those girls are carrying some cash on them. Phil asks them how they're going to get by in the desert with no money, and they call themselves "resourceful." Snerk. Oh, and "young and cute." Eh. One out of two. Well, one out of three, counting "resourceful." They announce that they really look forward to lying to people, because that's really what it's all about. Sigh. They declare that they want to be the first all-female team to win. Meh. I kind of don't want that. Although they can hardly hurt the average, which currently consists entirely of Flo.
Executive producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Manipulation! Begging! Colin flipping out! Someone...getting a haircut. Yeah, they're out of tasks.