Previously on No Retreat, No Surrender, Unless, Like, You Get Tired: Colin and Christie saw their lead go the way of the dodo bird when they had to wait for the opening of an opening. Linda and Karen begged for funds, thanks to Phil's merciless stripping (no, not that kind of stripping, sadly) of their money at the end of the last leg. Everyone came screeching up to the Cairo airport, where Colin and Mirna traveled several more nautical miles along their inevitable Voyage of Love. (Just kiss already!) Marshall's knees continued to make alarming creaking noises, and although a sand pit created a problem for several teams, Marshall and Lance fell so far behind that there was no option for them but to quit. And what's so great about the quitting was how they never quit. They are such heroes. It's hard to believe they don't already have their own Wheaties box, so that little kids can imagine how great it would be to grow up, have bad knees, and be a great big quitter. I wonder if they just stop cooking your pizza if they get bored in the middle. "Who will be eliminated...?"
Credits. See, look at Charla and Mirna in that turn-to-the-camera shot! Phyllis and Phyllis, if ever you saw them. [BOMP.]
Commercials. My friend Pool Boy was so excited about Alien vs. Predator that he made me watch the trailer online. Does anything happen in that movie besides the dripping fang? Because that part, I already saw.
Dum-dum-dum-dummmm! Things are energetic from the start as we land in Luxor and then work our way up to Crocodile Island. I really wanted Phil to do a Crocodile Hunter impression, by the way -- it's almost the same accent, and I like the idea of Phil going, "Whatever you do, nev-ah, ev-ah do this," and then, like, poking a stick into a nest of poisonous spiders. ["There's a Flo joke here somewhere, but I'm going to need more coffee to get at it." -- Sars] Anyway, Strolling Phil exposits that this was the sixth pit stop. Wow, did we see last week how Colin was finger-gunning like a dork as he was running to the mat? What a tool. He's almost ready to go out and sell vinyl flooring. ("Let me tell ya, this baby practically cleans itself [finger guns]!") Elsewhere, this week in news of eating, sleeping, and mingling, we learn that Christie and one of the Twinkies put their heads close together to see if they could hear the ocean. I suspect they both did. Phil wonders whether the Colin/Christie-Charla/Mirna "hostility" will inspire them or lead to their demise. Or, of course, it could do both. That's how hostility usually affects me. He also wonders whether, having dodged Philimination twice, the Moms will pull it together this week and get off the bottom of the food chain. Seriously. They're about to turn into whatever plankton eats.
5:33 AM. Colin and Christie. The clue tells them to fly to Nairobi, Kenya, and then sign up for a charter flight to a Mystery Destination. Ooh, let's guess! Is it...Oconomowoc, Wisconsin? No? Okay, I have no idea, then. Phil elaborates that this will call for taking a marked taxi to the Luxor airport. They've got tickets that will get them on any Egypt Air flight to Cairo, the first of which will leave at 7:00 AM and the second at 10:00 AM. In Cairo, they'll have to find the fastest way to Nairobi, Kenya, where -- as Phil again mentions -- they'll get a charter to the Mystery Destination. Is it...Fresno? I bet it is. Anyway, they get $75 for the leg. As they leave, Christie voices over that they're trying really hard not to become overconfident, which is Christie for "I am kicking all of these people's asses, and besides, I am pretty, ha ha ha, and have you seen my teeth?" She tries to allow for the fact that you can be cruising along coming in first, and then find yourselves Philiminated, but she doesn't mean it. She's already counting the money. You can tell. Her mouth says, "Overconfidence is bad," but her heart says, "What's the most expensive BMW, and does it have a lighted mirror on the driver's side?"
6:01 AM. Chip and Kim. Kim explains that she and Chip believe they can compete, because they're "doing everything right" at this point. Chip interviews that in order to win, you need "brainpower more than brawn." And I agree, although both are helpful, as well as appreciated by me. They get in their cab.
6:03 AM. Twinkies. Upon reading about flying to Kenya, they give identical "woo!"s and jump up and down. You know, girls, some things just aren't worth doing in tandem. Kami interviews that now that they're in third, they figure first is within reach. It's only two spots away, you know. (They borrowed a pencil and some paper.) "We just have to be in control of what we're doing," she says. They hop in their cab. "We need to get there fast!" they helpfully tell their cab driver, who will have to go against the Taxicab Code of Conduct and its default preference for lollygagging.
Colin and Christie arrive at the airport for the Egypt Air flight. Chip and Kim are on their way also.
6:10 AM. Brandon and Nicole. "I put my confidence and my trust in the Lord, not necessarily assuming that it's in His plan for Nikki and I to win." Okay, aside from a small problem with pronoun usage, I actually can get behind that. They recap the clue in their taxi, including the magic words "Mystery Destination." Is it...Shreveport? Nicole goes on to discuss in the cab how much she loved Egypt, and how wonderful she thought the people were. Nicole loves the Egyptians. She wants to grow up to walk just like them.
Chip and Kim and the Twinkies get to the airport and head inside.
6:28 AM. Charla and Mirna. Charla goes to dramatically rip the clue, and she manages to fail to rip the strip properly, so they have to stand around tearing the envelope apart, which isn't nearly as adorable as they think it is. They read the clue. "Let's get the heck out of here!" Charla says. Mirna's strange notions continue to unfurl as they leave the pit stop. (Miss Alli's Mom: "She thinks she invented aluminum foil! She's delusional!") Mirna says that now people don't underestimate them -- they overestimate them. She believes that people have become so insanely terrified that they believe her and Charla to be even better than they actually are. Which, you will recall from Mirna's comments, is so good that they make everyone crazy with jealousy. "We're having a good time, and we're not going to let anyone take that away from us," Mirna interviews, as Charla squints agreeably, wearing a highly unflattering and scrunchy fuchsia thing. Whatever all that fussy stitchy business is that's going on between Charla's boobs, that's not a good look for anyone. As Mirna walks, she snipes at Charla to go faster, as Charla runs along behind her. I wonder what Mirna would think of anyone else commenting that Charla isn't very fast. I'm just wondering, since Mirna brings it up about every five minutes.
6:33 AM. Bowling Moms. They mention that Mystery Destination also. Is it Guadalajara? Karen interviews that Linda has to keep encouraging her, because she gets depressed about being in the back of the pack. Linda says that indeed, she's working on maintaining a positive attitude. "It's tough," she says. With the losing, presumably. They get a cab.
Mirna rents the cabbie's cell phone by saying in her Broken English Of Improved Understanding, "You give cell phone, we give dollar." It works, too. Oh, Mirna. You give funny talk, he give favor. World work in mysterious way, no? Mirna calls to try to get reservations on Egypt Air, but she finds out that the first plane is at 7:00, and it's already twenty to seven as they're in the cab. Colin and Christie, Chip and Kim, and the Twinkies have all landed tickets on the 7:00 AM flight.
Brandon and Nicole de-cab at the airport and go in, followed by Charla and Mirna and the Moms. Charla happily says that the flight was delayed half an hour -- meaning, for those of you keeping track of flight delay luck, that she and Mirna have already gotten airport lucky once this leg, just by not being already three hours behind at least the first three teams. "Everything's always delayed in this country," she says, speaking words she (or at least Mirna) will apparently soon forget.
The long and the short of it is that everyone gets on the same flight, which leaves Luxor for Cairo. Phil explains that in Cairo, they'll need a taxi to the new international airport, where they'll look for a flight to Nairobi. When the flight lands in Cairo, everyone starts looking for taxis. There is running through the airport, and then there is piling into cabs. These are marked cabs, too, incidentally, as you can see from the red and yellow flags hanging from the mirrors. The taxis jockey for position, and seriously, I understand that "habibi" is a real word, and that Mirna is using it properly to my knowledge, but there is no word that you should use with a taxi driver this many times in a row. I don't care if it means "beloved," "dude," "friend," "bud," or "my little croissant with jelly" -- you just don't need to use any term of endearment for a taxi driver in every single sentence you speak.
Controversy rears its ugly head again this week as the teams arrive at the international terminal. The Twinkies get inside, where one of them says she needs to get to "Kenya, Africa." Of course, she's currently in "Egypt, Africa," so...yeah. Good one. She finds out that the Kenya Air office (I believe) won't be open for a while. But outside, the real trouble begins when Colin and Christie pull up, followed closely by Charla and Mirna. Christie stands in the doorway into the airport as Colin pays their cab driver, and she calls out, "Come on, Coliiiin...come on, Coliiiiin." Because it's the day of acting like an obnoxious brat, Christie has positioned herself in the door with her arms up against the sides so that nobody can get past her. Mirna and Charla come up behind her. "Excuse me," Mirna says, quite reasonably under the circumstances, and Christie ignores her. Now, granted -- you literally see Christie block the door for a total of six seconds. Six seconds. Of which she impedes Mirna for about three and a half, and Charla not really at all, because by the time Charla gets there, Colin is right behind her, and Christie gets out of the way, and they all go inside at the same time. But still...come on. Blocking the doorway? Is that really necessary? Must we go in that direction? My head already hurts.
Of course, after they're inside and Christie is merely running front of her, Mirna repeats, "Bitch, move out of the way." Which is great, because when she was absolutely right, she said, "Excuse me," and now that she has no case, she says, "Bitch, move out of the way." Christie doesn't have to move out of the way when she's running in front of you, dear. It's also great because Mirna had an Insider video interview a week or two ago in which she was going on and on and on and on about Colin and Christie saying "fuck" and how disgusting it was. Apparently, "Bitch, move out of the way" is more the way the delicate ladies talk. I think she's got her pinky up while she says it, actually. The other stupid thing is that they're all fighting to get to Kenya Air, which they find out is closed anyway. Good show, morons. Some things just don't require elaborate analysis, and this is one of them: Hello? You all suck.
Brandon and Nicole and Chip and Kim get to the terminal , along with the Moms.
Inside, Christie breathlessly repeats to a Twinkie how she "stood in the doorway like this," and she proudly giggles at how she blocked Charla and Mirna out of pure spite. She happily repeats how Mirna was all, "Out of the way, bitch!" Oh, I remember junior high. "She was like...and I was all...and then she was just totally...and then I go…and she goes...and I was like, 'OH MY GOD!' And that's why I'm not giving her any gum." Elsewhere, Mirna is telling the story to the Moms as well, but interestingly, when she tells it, she says, "She blocked the doors like this, against Charla." And damn, that pissed me off. What Christie did was totally ridiculous, but it was not aimed at Charla, it was aimed primarily at Mirna, and Mirna knows it. What bugs is that she's the one, in that situation, who is stereotyping Charla and making her into a little victim, all persecuted by mean people, in a situation where Charla's size has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I think it's really offensive for Mirna to try to leverage the things that are legitimately a pain in the ass for Charla in order to gain a point against a girl she just doesn't get along with, no matter how much that girl just acted like a total bitch. It's like she's exploiting the pity that people feel for Charla, which Charla is forever trying to get them not to feel. Why didn't Mirna just say Christie blocked her? Or them? As far as I'm concerned, she did it because it makes a better, more sympathetic story, and Mirna gets more mileage out of it, if she says "against Charla." Charla, of course, isn't exactly objecting. "She was blocking the airport doors as if she has control over the whole airport!" Charla agrees. Yep. Christie seized control of the entire airport for six whole seconds. String her up!
To review: I hate everyone involved in that entire incident. Well, except Charla, who didn't really have much to do with it. And Colin, who, as to that particular piece of business, didn't, either. So I guess it's just Mirna and Christie, both of whom could use a bucket of pig's blood over the head at the prom, if you ask me.
Colin meets up with Brandon and Nicole and the Twinkies and asks them if they want to work together so that Mirna and Charla don't beat them. Elsewhere, Mirna is still calling Colin and Christie "the scum of the earth" and so forth. Yawn. Brandon and Nicole are in for Colin's plan, as are the Twinkies, and Colin says he's going to ask Chip and Kim, too. Nicole interviews that Colin and Christie don't want to give information to Mirna and Charla, and although she doesn't feel that way, she's willing to cooperate with the plan. Christie haughtily explains "how it works" to her new alliance, saying that if you're "in," everyone shares information, and if you're not, you get no information. Thanks, Christie, I never would have figured it out without you. And also? You're not the queen of the eighth grade with your Bermuda bag smacking against your Esprit pants anymore, so just unclench, princess. Colin voices over that Mirna is "blatantly rude" to them (hmm, I wonder why), and that she tries to get other teams against him (which...he would never!).
Unsurprisingly, over at another counter, Mirna is still living in an alternate reality. We see her telling Linda and Karen that Colin "leeches on to weak people" and then "gets rid of them one at a time." Now...come on, sweetheart. Colin didn't pop Marshall's knees. How is he on the hook for that? Or Jim and Marsha? Or anyone? Doesn't it occur to Linda and Karen that this is, you know, crap? Apparently, it does not, because Linda just loves being with Mirna. Oh, well. As the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters would say, lie down with histrionic crapweasels, wake up with fleas. Histrionic crapweasel fleas.
It's a shame, because if any of these people were making a lick of sense, they would immediately jump out into the lead, as far as sucking less.
In my favorite voice-over of the episode, Linda says, "We've been watching the game too much, and I know Colin and Christie are good, but dammit, Charla and Mirna are better." I'd like to see the research backing up that unusual claim based on the last couple of legs, but then...Linda's not exactly an authority on winning at this point herself, so perhaps it's not so surprising. Maybe she means they're better at using the word "habibi." Or at alienating people. Come to think of it, I think they're pretty much tied with Colin on that score.
Chip and Kim go with Colin's plan as well, and then in an interviews, Chip explains that there's this "Mirna camp," and this "Colin camp." "It's like the Clash of the Titans," he says. "They can't stand each other." Eh, "Clash of the Titans," "Battle of the Network Bores"...six of one, half-dozen of the other. Kim says, "Colin and Mirna are really, really competing against each other, and hopefully, they're going to knock each other out of this race." Now see, that is a smart attitude. Also, it would help you tolerate the behavior if you could say to yourself, "Well, the good news is, they may both be gone soon, and they can torment each other in Sequesterville."
Camp Colin heads to SwissAir to check out the options there. The best option they can get is a connection through Zurich (ack), arriving tomorrow. Camp Mirna, meanwhile, chooses to check with GulfAir. That guy comes through for them, and then Mirna goes to explain what they're doing. She's not explaining it to anyone except Linda and Karen and the cameras, so maybe someone can explain to me why she says, "We going Abu Dhabi, and then we going Nairobi, and we arriving Nairobi 6:30 AM." Can I ask when she lost her English-speaking ability? Or, what, is that supposed to be...cute? Because really...not. It's a version of baby talk, basically, and like all other baby talk, it's a bit sick-making. Mirna closes the blinds at GulfAir -- I'm sure the airline appreciates her making the office appear to be closed, by the way -- and she and Charla and Linda and Karen all decide to hide so that Colin won't see them through the windows.
Elsewhere, a Twinkie frets over where Camp Mirna has landed, and what tickets they're getting. Colin notes the GulfAir office, and notes that it's open, and he heads inside -- where he finds Mirna and Linda pressing themselves up against the side wall. Yeah, that was some darn effective subterfuge, there. When Colin walks over to talk to the airline guy, Mirna -- who, you'll recall, was really put out that Colin suggested that she couldn't talk to Bus Station Cleaning Guy while he was trying to have a conversation with him -- busts in and gets physically between Colin and the airline guy, instructing the airline guy not to help Colin. Now...the airline would listen to Mirna because...why, again? You're telling me she thinks the guy is going to skip selling sixteen last-minute, full-fare tickets because...she's so charming, and she told him to? He's going to say, "Boss, I know it cost us a hundred thousand dollars, but she called me 'habibi.' I had no defense"? It turns out that Mirna did have a more evolved plan, however. She proudly adds in an interview that she told the airline guy not to help them because they're violent. Which...yeah. You don't invoke security issues at an airport, as far as I'm concerned. You just do not. My line of Race ethics is pretty relaxed, and it leaves a pretty wide berth for doing a lot of things to get ahead of other teams, but you don't do something that has any potential to involve authorities or police -- especially if you're full of shit, which she is.
Outside, Christie tells a Twinkie that Mirna is telling them not to sell tickets to the rest of them. "Bitch," the Twinkie says. Certainly is quite a lot of that going around. And then we look over and can see through the door that a gloating Mirna is grinning and giving them the "shame, shame" gesture with her fingers. Charla joins in, making faces and taunting and showing off how hilarious it is to make fun of people -- unless it were her, of course, in which case making fun of people would be totally immoral. Charla goes on to crow about how much she's intimidating everyone, and how the other teams are "boiling" about it. Mirna then strolls out of the GulfAir office, making quite a display of waving her tickets and hooting and strutting. "You suck," she tosses off with a laugh at Nicole and a Twinkie, who are sitting on the ground not even doing anything. Charla joins in, showing off and kissing her ticket grandly. I think they officially know less about the critical topic of Your Ass, And The Things That Will Inevitably Bite You In It than anyone, ever. As Colin asks inside for GulfAir tickets, the Twinkies sit outside, and one whispers, "Colin's an idiot." Meanwhile, Charla and Mirna get on the GulfAir flight. Back outside the GulfAir office, a Twinkie says, "That Swiss decision was the stupidest decision any of us have ever made." Stupider than swimming to the pit stop? Stupider than throwing away the puzzle pieces? I have to say, I think she's being much too hard on herself about the "Swiss decision." She's made many stupider decisions than that. Tense music plays as Charla and Mirna gloat on the plane and Colin stews in the GulfAir office.
Commercials. If you went by television, you would think 90 percent of people's time was spent choosing between allergy medications.
When we return to the GulfAir office, KamiKarli is still bitching to KarliKami about what "idiots" they were to follow Colin instead of "doing their own thing" at the airport. Yeah. Because doing their own thing? That always turns out really well. "Their own thing" has staked them to a whole series of back-of-the-pack finishes, so it's really too bad they didn't go with that, because their Mystery Destination really would have been Oconomowoc. On the plane, the Moms and Mirna and Charla put their bags in the overhead compartments. "Let's relax!" says Charla or Mirna (I still can't tell their voices apart). And back in the GulfAir office..."We can take all of you," the gentleman says.
So all of them board the plane. "I felt genuinely terrible," Mirna says as she explains her feelings upon seeing the rest of the teams. Well, at least that makes me feel genuinely better about how genuinely irritated I was feeling before the commercials, when she was being such a genuine pain in the genuine ass. We cut to a shot of Colin's evil smile, which I think is just a leeeetle bit exaggerated for comic effect. He's really oily, though. And tragically, he's not even pretty enough to be a smarmy little pretty boy.
The flight with everyone on board goes from Cairo to Bahrain. In the Bahrain airport, Charla and Mirna are looking again for an earlier flight. Mirna, speaking in her accented English again, some more, explains that she has exchanged their tickets through Abu Dhabi for tickets through Dubai. She congratulates herself and pumps her fist and whatnot as she goes through the airport. Karen explains -- while looking very dubious, I would point out -- that this is supposedly going to get them into Nairobi a half-hour ahead of the other teams. "It's a gamble," Linda says, recognizing what it appears that Mirna does not -- that switching to a different flight with a different connection is a risk, and when the only payoff is a half-hour? The Extra Step is one thing, but if you're going to gamble for that small of an advantage before you've done any tasks, you'd better feel confident that it's going to work out for you. And what was that about how everything is always delayed? Yeah. Anyway, these four fly from Bahrain to Dubai. The rest of the teams leave Bahrain for Abu Dhabi, where they'll change planes as well.
In Dubai, the funniest thing happens -- for once, Mirna and Charla do not have perfect luck, and find that their flight is delayed. "It was truly a sad moment," Charla says. Well, yes. But of course, one person's "sad" is another person's "hilarious." Mine, specifically. Linda and Karen lament to the camera that they are now behind the pack again. Well, those are the risks of not paying any attention to actual records of success when determining which team is "better." ["Or of not doing your own work. To my mind, it's a bit late in the game to be relying on other teams for transportation, but whatever." -- Sars] "We have to keep our fingers crossed that fate is on our side," Mirna interviews. Mm-hmm.
Phil explains again that when teams arrive in Nairobi, they'll sign up for one of three charter flights to the Mystery Destination. Is it...Pittsburgh? The flights leave at 8:00 AM, 8:45 AM, and 9:30 AM. At the Nairobi airport, the first team off the plane is Colin and Christie, and they head for the charter desk. Colin and Chip run up to the desk together, so those will be the teams on the first charter. "They're not here," Colin says, as Brandon and a Twinkie come up behind to sign up for the second charter. "They're not here." The Twinkie stops and does a little arm-waving victory dance, which I thought was kind of cute. I have to admit -- and it might just all be relative -- that the Twinkies are sorta growing on me. They're not very bright, but they do have a bizarre ability to avoid being Philiminated long after they should have vanished in a puff of vapidity. Colin explains that, indeed, he expected Mirna and Charla and the Moms to have arrived ahead of them, but instead, his group all made it on the first two flights.
Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie board the first charter flight. "This is so cool," Colin says to Christie. "I mean, here we are, Nairobi, Kenya, on a prop plane, not knowing where we're going ." Thank you, Colin, for that totally spontaneous moment of awe. As they're leaving, they spot Mirna and Charla and the Moms, coming in on their flight. What's totally hysterical is that despite the fact that the sign-in sheets are right there, and we've already seen that they're filled in, Mirna asks whether there's room on Charter 1...and is told, obviously, no...before accepting that indeed, she will be on the last plane. Apparently, she thought that the other teams might have decided to sign up for the later charter instead of the earlier one. Hey, you never know! By the way, while waiting for her delayed flight, Mirna apparently used her spare time to put some really silly-looking braids in her hair.
On Charter 1, Colin and Christie and Chip and Kim take in the sights as they fly. Colin points out Mount Kilimanjaro, in case you were going to miss it. They're followed at 8:45 AM by Charter 2. On that flight, Nicole spots a rainbow out the window. "It's a symbol of God's promise," she says. And yes, it's twee, but it's also right out of the Bible, so...yeah, if that's what she thinks, then that's what she thinks. It's not like she went up and told the pilot, "Excuse me, I would just like to point out the symbol of God's promise off to the right. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your -- AAAAAAHHH, no, no, fly straight, I'll sit down." At 9:30 AM, the last charter takes off, carrying Mirna and Charla and Linda and Karen.
The music grows stereotypically Cheery and African, kind of like it was found in someone's abandoned hard drive after The Lion King was scored, and we see happy children, frolicking animals, and finally a caption showing us that we are in Kilimanjaro, Tanzania, where Charter 1 is getting ready to land. "Unbelievable," Chip says. "We're really in Africa." And...as stated previously, Egypt is also "really in Africa," but I know what Chip's saying, I think. As Chip gets off the plane, he spreads his arms. "Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha," he says, channeling the 7-Up guy. (The old 7-Up "Uncola" guy, not the "Show Us Your Can" guy. It's probably good that Chip didn't walk around Africa saying, "Up yours.") The two teams make their way to the clue box. When they rip the clue, it welcomes them to Tanzania. Phil explains that now, they will take a bus about 70 miles to Mto Wa Mbu, where another clue awaits. At the bus station, Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie both get onto a bus, and Kim asks how much Colin was charged. "Five dollars," he says. "Yeah, that's what he charged us," she says. There are quite a few other people on the bus as it gets going. "Boy, this is something else," Chip understates. Kim watches out the windows as she voices over that she's wanted to come to Africa ever since she was little. "Just to be here just means so much," she says, as we watch her bliss out in the unfavorable conditions.
Brandon and Nicole and the Twinkies land and collect their clues. When they get to the bus station, it's very hard to tell what they're being charged, because they appear to be talking to the guy together, and a Twinkie says, "So wait, forty dollars?" Now, if that's for both teams, with eight people including crew, then guess what? That's five bucks a person, and if Colin's figure was per person, they're getting the exact same rate as Colin. However, if whatever measure Colin was using is the same measure the Twinkies are using, then they're getting hosed, obviously. "When does this bus go?" Brandon asks. "We leave now," the guy assures them. "We have to go now," Nicole repeats before she gets on board. "No problem," the guy tells her. Having been assured of this, they board the bus. Once they're there and the bus isn't going, Brandon decides to offer the guy a hundred bucks if he'll leave now (which the guy after all already told them he would when they agreed to forty in the first place). Bus Guy wants two hundred, but KamiKarli tells him no. "One hundred dollars, all of us go, now," she offers. "One hundred, start now," Brandon repeats. The guy drops his demand to $150 -- for doing, incidentally, what he told them he would do for $40 before they got on the bus. "I don't like this," one Twinkie says to the other. "These guys are shady," Brandon says unhappily, clearly figuring he ought to bail. "We're getting off," a Twinkie announces. The guys on the bus block the aisle, however, and she can't leave. Brandon, too, tries to get off, and says, "Let me off. Let me off," but there are guys standing there, one of whom holds Brandon's shoulder back with his hand. "Jump out the window," a Twinkie suggests, but that doesn't really sound like a great idea, either. "Brandon, are you sure this is safe?" Nicole asks nervously. KamiKarli is still offering the same $100, and she wants to go right now. The guy gives her shit, and she starts to get up to leave again, at which point the bus takes off. I don't think you have to be xenophobic to have the distinct impression that that would be...unsettling.
Charla and Mirna and the Moms get their clue and head for the buses.
Colin and Christie and Chip and Kim get to the clue box, having had a fairly uneventful bus trip, it would seem. Exposition Hands will have you know this is a Detour, and the choices are Buzzing and Busy. In Buzzing, you choose one bicycle per team and ride to a honey farm, where you put on beekeeper outfits and harvest honey from hives. Phil says that while this will be creepy, it should go fast. In Busy, you find a furniture store, load two chairs onto a cart, and deliver them to an address in town. Each team will have to deliver to a different address, and Phil explains that all addresses are hard to find, because places aren't clearly marked. When they've delivered the chairs, they have to get a receipt and bring it back to the store to get their clue.
Christie says she thinks they should do Buzzing. "You don't mind being all in the bees, though?" Colin says. He's thinking only of her, of course. She's a girl, you know, and we scare easy. Ultimately, both of the lead teams choose the furniture store. They seem to find the furniture store within about three minutes, and Colin asks some of the locals which of the addresses is closest. Pretty smart. Both teams hook up with some folks who will help them find the addresses they need. Amusingly, Chip and Kim first find themselves taken to a place that sells pillows for chairs. The guy legitimately seems to have thought they wanted to buy pillows first. "That's good thinkin'," Kim compliments him anyway. Hee. Chip interviews: "I said, 'Hey, we don't want to get all the accoutrements with the doggone thing, we just want to deliver the chairs where we want to deliver them.'" They are so cute, seriously. Anyone who can appropriately use the word "accoutrements" is okay in my book.
On the bus, the guy comes around for money. Brandon wants to pay half now and half when they get there. The guys are not going for that. Brandon tells them that he doesn't have any way of knowing if they're "trustworthy." Brandon says that he needs to get where they're going, and when they get there, he'll give them the money. A Twinkie calls the entire experience "very intimidating," and says she was thankful that they had Brandon there. I kind of don't like the "put the boy in charge" thing, but on the other hand, in that position, I'd be glad he was there, too. Brandon says, with what looks to me like genuine concern, "Mirna and Charla and the Bowling Moms, I have no idea how they'll do."
They do fine, though -- they get on their bus, are charged three dollars (per something), and leave. "Come on, habibi, we don't have all day!" Mirna yells. Is the Tanzanian bus driver likely to speak Arabic? Because if he doesn't, you wouldn't want to accidentally call him, say, "Bag Of Rotten Meat." It might be time to retire "habibi," Mirna.
Christie, still getting her ice princess on for the day, tells the people who are helping her and Colin that if they don't go faster, they're not paying them -- which apparently they've agreed to do. She certainly is today's Goodwill Ambassador for the Snooty McBitch Corporation, isn't she? Colin and Christie drop off their furniture and get the receipt.
The happy faux-Disney music kicks in again as Chip and Kim arrive at their destination. They enjoy a very happy meeting with the people at the house where they deliver the chairs. A woman emerges from the house and greets them, and then the guy who helped them bring the chairs urges Kim to come and sit in one of them. Chip and Kim take a moment to just sit in the chairs on the porch, to their hosts. Chip comments, "People -- everywhere I turn -- people look like me. It's not something that we get to experience every day. It's just a beautiful, beautiful thing." As they're getting ready to leave, the lady of the house emerges with some watermelon slices, which they stop to enjoy for a minute before they get going. They thank the hosts profusely, of course. Lovely people, all of them. They're like the sweet chewy center in a big and crunchy Bitter Bar.
On the Brandon/Nicole Kami/Karli Bus of Discontent, things come to a grinding halt as the bus guys announce that they're out of gas. Hmm. They insist they'll send someone to get gas, and it's "no problem." Of course, everything with this particular guy appears to be "no problem." Brandon asks how long it will take to get some more gas, and as two guys run off in a random direction, they're assured it won't be long. Brandon tries the "I'm in a race" thing, as he sometimes does, and that is not going to work. Seriously. A guy who is, in all likelihood, right in the middle of ripping you off? He's not going to care if you're in a race. If anything, he's going to be like, "Twenty for the gas. Oh, you're in a race? I meant...fifty for the gas."
As Brandon stands by the side of the road, Mirna and Charla and the Moms' bus comes by, and they see his rather distinctive Christopher-Atkins-like form hanging out by the bus. They all grin. "How did we catch up?" Linda wonders. Well, that would be the part where the bus broke down, genius. Did you see how they were all standing by the side of the road? Yeesh. Brandon tells the camera that after getting on the middle flight and having their bus break down -- a bus he's not even confident will take them where it's supposed to once they get everything squared away -- he's just not feeling too confident. "Lord, please help us get there," he mutters. (The Lord: "Hey, I never said the plan was winning; you said so yourself. Maybe My plan is for you to enjoy the scenery where the bus broke down.") Nicole sits miserably inside the bus, slooooowly succumbing to...Killer Fatigue.
Commercials. Does CBS actually have such a tin ear that they haven't noticed yet that just as many people are sick to death of Rupert as are charmed by him? Must we continue being subjected to his obnoxious mug? Please, seriously, I can't stand it. And when did he start talking like a fucking wrestler?
When we return, the sound of Nicole's jangling nerves plays on the soundtrack as a Twinkie talks to Brandon. "We have cause to be upset, don't you think?" she asks. He agrees that they do, what with the breaking down in the middle of the trip and everything. Well, here come the guys with the gasoline can, and...it looks like they got about a gallon. And with that load of people? On that vehicle? I'm sorry, but this entire thing is looking like one big fat scam to me. They also get told that they're going to have to pay twenty dollars for the gas. The hell? It takes the same amount of gas to get there whether the guy remembered to fill up ahead of time or not. That's another way you can tell they're getting ripped off -- there's no reason on earth why it would cost extra just because the guy didn't fill the tank before they left, if they agreed on a price to get where they're going. This is a flat-out scam, and I don't blame Brandon for his obvious discomfort, or for telling the guy he'll pay ten now and ten later.
Colin and Christie return their receipt to the store and get the clue sending them to a village called Kibaoni, where they'll need to find the Kavishe Hotel. There, they'll get another clue.
The Charla/Mirna/Moms bus has stopped now, although as they explain, it appears to be a "potty stop." And what does Linda yell to the guys? "Vamonos." Yeah. Not so much. I always remember Clown Al gently saying, "'Rapidito' doesn't mean 'fast' ineverylanguage," which was one of the most subtly funny things anybody has ever come up with on this show. I am reminded of it every time something like this happens. Once they get going again, their bus is overtaken by the Bus of Discontent, now loaded with fuel again. Brandon says that he hadn't even realized that those two teams had passed them, but he's very glad to have made up that ground again.
Chip and Kim return their receipt and thank their local help as they rip the clue. Off to the Kavishe Hotel. Speaking of which, Colin and Christie are already there, getting directions to the hotel.
Finally, the Bus of Discontent pulls into town and stops. Brandon and Nicole and the Twinkies get off the bus. They find the clue box, but as they head for it, they're stopped by the driver, who wants the other ten dollars Brandon agreed to pay him. Brandon says he's not coughing it up, because the bus broke down in the middle of the trip. The driver rejects this explanation. "No, we're not paying any more," Nicole says flatly. She opens the clue and tries to ignore the driver. As they read the clue, the driver stands right there and pokes Brandon in the shoulder several times. Nicole continues to insist that they're not paying any more, and as she and the driver argue, he half-swats her cheek with a piece of paper he's holding. "Don't hit me," she says, quite taken aback. Brandon tells Nicole that this whole thing is just slowing them down, and she asks what he wants her to do. He wants her to give the guy the ten dollars. "Ten more, ten more, I want ten more," the driver says. "You know what?" she says, reaching into the Amazing Purse. "Here's ten more," and she tosses the money on the ground, using one of the tricks she learned from the book, A Hundred Ways To Get Your Ass Kicked In Three Minutes Or Less. "Get it," she says. "You're a fool," the driver says, and Brandon leans over, picks up the money, and hands it to the guy. "Thank you," he says, anxious to defuse the situation as soon as possible. "No, I don't talk with you," the driver says as he leaves, suddenly all morally offended by having the money he scammed them out of thrown on the ground. Seriously, that's part of the "gas money," so I don't blame her for being upset, because that is a crock. When you negotiate the price at the beginning and the guy knows where you're asking to go, fuel costs are included. You don't pay more, as I said, just because the guy's tank wasn't full when you started, even assuming he was really out of gas. Which I kind of doubt.
"I just so wanted to get us out of that situation," Brandon interviews. "It felt dangerous, it felt unsafe." He and Nicole and KamiKarli read the clue and both decide on Busy. Apparently, everyone is afraid of bees. Or honey, which seems equally possible in our anti-carb atmosphere. Both of these teams hook up with locals once they get to the furniture store, so that seems to be the answer to the "addresses are hard to find" portion of the task. The Twinkies cooperate to push the cart, but Brandon is pretty much on his own, with a tired Nicole dragging behind. "Baby, I can't run. Don't run," she says.
Elsewhere, Mirna and Charla and the Moms catch the Detour clue, and they both choose the furniture as well.
Colin and Christie are the first to arrive at the Roadblock. "Who's really hungry?" the clue asks. Oy. Another eating task? Bleh. I don't like these at all. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the person who takes it will need to eat an ostrich egg. First, you open the egg and drain enough into a bowl to fill it completely. Then, you cook the egg in a pan, and then you eat it. The amount they have to eat is the equivalent of about two dozen chicken eggs, and...seriously, if I wanted to watch Fear Factor, people, I'd be watching it. Enough with the stuff-your-face challenges. At least in seasons, it was the unusual nature of the food, and not its tendency to make you physically sick, that was at issue. This is just a really unfortunate trend.
Colin takes this Roadblock -- since, after all, Christie did the caviar. He voices over that he's very "bad at eating foods," due to his "sensitive gag reflex." Oh, come on, you big baby. Where would you know that from? Never mind, I don't want to know. He uses a drill to get into his egg. He pours it into the bowl, but as he goes to pick up the bowl, a bunch of it slops out. He fills it with more of the egg, but when he tries to get it past the store owner who's running the Roadblock, it's no dice -- not full. He's got to try again with a new egg. Hee. You can see that he yells, "FUCK!" as he goes to get another egg. I like to see a guy lose his shit over scrambled eggs. That's funny. And he's not going to be able to go to a brunch buffet without having post-traumatic stress for the rest of his life. Sad, but...also funny.
Chip and Kim approach the hotel.
Colin tries again with a new egg, but once again, he slops the egg out of the bowl when he goes to pick it up. "Colin, it's falling!" Christie yells angrily. Yes, the egg? It is falling. She wanders to the edge of the little eating area and slams the clue envelope down onto a table with considerable force. Ooooh, she's got her a temper, too. Colin throws the bowl down in disgust. Snerk.
The Twinkies keep pushing their cart, and Nicole keeps telling Brandon she can't run. He voices over that she "just kind of gave up" on this particular leg. He adds that she's not particularly physically strong, and she seemed to need to be pulled along.
Charla and Mirna are loading and pulling their cart, as are the Moms. The Moms take a straight route to get going, but Charla insists on detouring around a puddle first, which causes them to get behind from the very beginning. "Charla, they're not stuck, you're making us go a lot further," Mirna complains. "My heart is gonna stop," Charla complains as they pull the cart. "Okay, just let it go, I'll do it by myself," Mirna answers. As they run, Mirna says more loudly, "Charla, just let it go if your heart's gonna stop." It doesn't really seem to be an issue of them literally lacking the physical power to pull the thing, because they have two guys working on it with them, and they're certainly moving faster with the cart than Brandon and Nicole or the Twinkies. I think they just didn't do quite as well with the navigating, which would be consistent with their tendency to get lost every time they get away from their one comfort zone, which is the airport. They're great in the airport. Everywhere else? Problems.
At the Roadblock, Colin finally manages to get a full bowl of egg over to the pan to cook. "You'll be fine; it's just a big scrambled egg," Christie says. They note the approach of Chip and Kim. As soon as they read the clue, Kim's like, "Yeah, that's you," and Chip says, "The Chipper? Yeah." Hee. "The Chipper." He pours the egg into the bowl on the first try, which you can tell really irritates the crap out of Colin, as do most things. Colin puts a hand on his head and goes back to stirring his eggs really hard. It's a very funny moment. I've never really seen a guy do anything I would call "infuriated stirring" before, but there it is. Kim tells Colin she thinks his eggs look done, and he says, "Yeah, I want it cooked more." "Colin, there's teams behind us," Christie says impatiently. "There are?" he asks. Now, I assume he's being sarcastic, but he didn't do the delivery very well if he was. I almost think he was wondering whether she was seeing other teams coming.
Speaking of other teams, KamiKarli get their chairs delivered and pick up their receipt. Linda and Karen do, too, and their locals seem to help them find a convenient route to where they're going. Brandon and Nicole are still dragging a little, and Linda and Karen actually get their chairs delivered before Brandon and Nikki do. KamiKarli return their receipt and get the Roadblock clue, as Brandon and Nicole finally deliver their chairs. At this point, it looks like they're close to a tie with Mirna and Charla, who are just arriving at their delivery destination. Linda and Karen return their receipt, followed by Brandon and Nicole, and both teams head for the Roadblock.
Chip sits down to eat. And what does he do before he eats? Well, he says grace. And in this case, "grace" is just the right term, too. It also occurs to me that his thanking God for the nourishment of the egg, even if it is a Roadblock, eases a little bit the discomfort of having these teams gorge themselves on unnecessary food in an area that doesn't exactly look like the locals are rolling in dough. Colin finally puts his eggs into the bowl as Chip starts to eat. Chip voices over that he was "the Michael Jordan" of the caviar task, but that this was harder, because he couldn't just put the eggs in his mouth and wash them down -- he had to chew them, too. Colin starts to eat, and complains that the eggs stick to his throat. Mm-hmm. But, of course, if you have the motivation to do it, you're going to get it done, right? Right? Sure, you are. It's mind over matter, ya sissy! Colin decides, however, that the problem is that it's not cooked enough. And if you've ever cooked scrambled eggs, you know that Colin's eggs are plenty done -- they look nearly dry to me. He insists he will eat it immediately with no problem if he can just get the eggs more cooked, so he actually puts them back into the pan. Ohhh, bad move. Scrambled eggs are actually pretty delicate. You don't want them twice-cooked.
The Twinkies and Charla and Mirna head for the hotel. At the Roadblock, Colin lifts his wooden spoon like he's going to stab his eggs to death, but at the last minute, he remembers that they won't feel it, and he stops. Kim tells Chip he has to just make himself eat the damn eggs. Colin, meanwhile, has reduced his eggs to a pile of little grainy-looking clumps that are totally not appetizing at all. Those are way, way overcooked, seriously. It looks like some combination of eggs and cold oatmeal. Gross with a capital "G." Chip, however, is done. The Chipper, he can eat. Phil explains that the teams will now have to cross a giant gorge on a flying fox (a zipline, basically), and then they'll land at the pit stop, which is at a place called the Lake Manyara Lookout. He explains that the lookout "is the pit stop for this leg of the race." When he doesn't say, "The last team to check in here will be eliminated," careful viewers know that this is a non-elimination round, which sort of takes the air out of the few scenes.
KamiKarli come to the Roadblock, arriving with Brandon and Nicole. Meanwhile, Colin retches for the first time. Kami and Brandon take the Roadblock, switching off from their caviar-swallowing partners. Linda and Karen have arrived, too. My favorite part is that they're standing in the wrong order, so that their shirts say "Moms Bowling." Which reminds me of the episode of Home Improvement where the little son was in the Christmas pageant, and when the four kids walked onstage, their choir robes spelled out "LEON." Very funny, even though it was an episode of Home Improvement. Anyway, Linda tells Karen she's going to have to be the eater this time. I have a feeling that being the caviar-eater was an experience that stuck with these people quite traumatically. Karen is not thrilled, but there's not a lot she can say, so she agrees.
Mirna and Charla approach the hotel. At the Roadblock, Colin is considering throwing up. He ultimately goes with his gut. Heh. Before you know it, everyone is eating, and Colin is still struggling with his plate. "Colin, you're acting like a baby. It's eggs, for crying out loud," Christie says. Karli tells Kami to just think of it as "an omelet." Mirna and Charla arrive, which Christie points out to Colin. "Who's really hungry...Charla is," Mirna says. "I guess so," Charla says, clearly unhappy. Colin digs into his totally disgusting eggs. Charla tries to break into her egg, as Mirna tells her, "It's delicious; it's good for you; all protein." If I'm Charla, that's where I turn around and go, "Well, then, YOU eat it, or SHUT YOUR FLUFFY TRAP."
Eating, eating, eating. "You're going to beat Colin, I can't believe it, Karen," Linda says, apparently buying into the "It's All About Beating Colin" model made popular by Mirna. Kami is also working on not throwing up. "It's just eggs!" Charla is saying as she cooks, as Mirna gives the never-helpful advice that "it's a delicacy." So apparently, Charla will be having no trouble with it at all. Colin eats as Charla continues cooking. He continues eating. "I just hope we can keep our lead," Christie laments.
Commercials. I cannot tell you how much I don't need to hear Larry King interviewed about his sex life. I mean, seriously.
More eating. Linda speculates that all of the locals standing around are wondering what the "crazy Americans" are up to. Colin, especially, although they'll know the answer is, "Repeatedly throwing up into a bucket." I cannot believe how disgusting his eggs look. I couldn't eat those suckers, either. I think I would have just thrown in the towel and started over with a new egg. Nobody else's look nearly that horrifying. Kami is eating while holding her nose, nevertheless.
Elsewhere, Chip and Kim are at the flying fox to head for the pit stop. Yay! They climb up and get harnessed in together, and they start over the gorge. "Oh, my God, this is awesome!" Chip says. They land, and they get detached from all the equipment. "That was fuuuun!" Kim says. Hee. They run to the pit stop. "Heeeey, there he is!" Chip says. On the mat, the greeter welcomes them to Manyara, Tanzania. "Thank you, my brother," Chip says, shaking his hand. Phil tells them they're team number one. Phil tells them that they've won a vacation to Latin America. Wooo! Trip for Chip and Kim! Yay! Can I go with you? Okay, not really.
Colin takes his last few bites, and finally, he and Christie are off. Kami? Still holding her nose.
A bite of eggs tries to leap up out of Karen's throat, but she keeps it down. And she's the to be done, so they're out of there.
Colin and Christie do the flying fox with surprising enthusiasm, considering that he just ate about a pound of eggs. She seems to be holding back a little until she reaches the other side safely without a chest full of partially digested scrambled eggs. Although honestly, I'm not sure he still had much of it in his belly at this point. I think a lot of it was back in the bucket, if you get my drift.
Brandon finishes his eggs. "Come on, Charla, you can do it, you're good at this," Mirna insists. Yeesh, shades of Millie. Brandon and Nicole get up and out, leaving only the Twinkies and Mirna and Charla behind.
Linda and Karen flying-fox it across the gorge. And what are they doing? Oh, they're squeaking.
Colin and Christie land on the mat. They are team number two. It looks like Colin's pissed, but actually, I think he just burped. I'm not kidding.
Speaking of burping, Charla does, as well, as she tries to eat the end of her eggs. This is cut as a race between Kami and Charla, but it's hard to tell how close they are to each other, really.
Brandon and Nicole do the gorge, and he sort of yodels, as usual. I have a lot of affection for them, despite the fact that she had a bad week. It's kind of like Emily in India -- people do things they shouldn't do, and they lose their minds, but she really seems to be a nice person, if not necessarily a very worldly one.
"Don't look at it, Kami, just shovel it in your face," Karli advises. Well, that makes it seem more appetizing, surely. Charla and Kami both look pretty ill at this point.
Linda and Karen hit the mat. You are team number three. They look relieved. Brandon and Nicole are team number four.
Eating, eating. Kami finishes first, and she and Karli get up to go. And then Mirna and Charla get up to go.
KarmiKarli take the flying fox across the gorge. Welcome, KamiKarli, you are team number five.
Charla asks for mercy as she and Mirna cross the gorge. Mirna tells Charla to keep running, because "it might be a non-elimination." In my living room at this point, I said out loud, "Yeah, it is, as you know, but you're getting your money taken, at least, ha ha ha." I actually started thinking in my head about how good their odds would be of catching up in the leg if they started out in Tanzania without any money.
They approach Phil on the mat. Charla is grinning. "You're the last team to arrive." And Charla stares at Phil with this obvious, expectant smile. She knows -- she knows -- it is non-elimination. She's waiting for, "The good news is..." Instead, she hears, "I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race."
WHAAAAAAAT? I will tell you, even as Phil said, "I'm sorry to tell you," I expected some kind of a hook -- just kidding! Not really eliminated! Even after he said it, I was looking for the catch. But there is no catch. They are Philiminated. Mirna, of course, hugs Phil. Charla says they had "a great experience." "Charla," Phil says, "you wanted to prove something to other small people in the world, and you really did that." "I just wanted to prove to the world how much I can do," she says, crying. So if you think they made her say all that stuff? They didn't. I mean, I don't dislike or disagree with that sentiment at all, but it is hers. "And it's not easy when there's so much pointing down at you," she continues. "And always people thinking that you can't do it." You mean, like coffin-carrier drivers who think you can't run because your boneheaded partner runs up to them and says, "Small lady, not possible"? Those kinds of people? She goes on to say that she has to work "triple as hard" as "regular people." At certain particular things, this is obviously true. At other things, it's not true. She goes on about accomplishing your dreams and so forth, and then Phil totally flakes out by CRYING (oh, Phil, stay with me for five minutes without losing your composure, WOULD YOU PLEASE?) all over her about her "amazing spirit." Except for the bitchy parts, because those parts were less amazing.
Phil tries to throw a bone to Mirna (not in the way she wants, of course) by talking about what a great partner she was and all. Mirna doesn't even talk; it's all Charla saying she loves Mirna. Which is grand. And I'm really glad they're not going to be on the show anymore, because frankly, they were unpleasant. Not evil, not dirty, just unpleasant and unhappy about everyone else on the trip, and that's just not the kind of energy I particularly enjoy. Don't get me wrong -- Colin and Christie suck also. I would vote for them to go . They won't, I don't think, but that would be my vote. All these people who have chosen to spend all their time bitching about each other? Yeah, they can all go home.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Colin blows his stack, finally. Criminal!