Previously on Twee to Tango: Everyone skedaddled out of Uruguay and hauled ass (or in Donny's case, hauled an ass) to Argentina. Mirna invented a new version of Spanish, unfazed by the stick-in-the-mud cultural anthropologists who continue to refuse to recognize "stop-ay" as legitimate usage, despite its having been found among the ancient graffiti of Seville. A pack of dogs, much to their credit, tried to devour Alison, and when she turned out to be too gamey, they distracted themselves with cheap, meaningless sex. Kami was just as peeved as peeved can be when Chip wouldn't acknowledge the rules she spontaneously wrote about cab-claiming, which coincidentally would have given her the disputed cab. But that is totally not why she wrote the rules that way! Honest! Blessedly, however, the world's most vexing taxi standoff did not delay the involved teams enough to prevent the Philimation of the odious Alison and Donny, who seemed to hate each other on the mat, but who turned out to be only getting started, hate-wise. Now, there are nine teams left. "Who will be eliminated...?" Oh, I hope it's Alison. Alison, Alison! ...Wait, what? She was? Oh. That's right. Yeah, anyone's fine, then.
Credits. Why are Mirna and Charla dancing around in their yard? Throw in a couple of MGDs and a guy running around with, like, one shoe on, and it feels like just another Friday night on patrol with your neighborhood peace officers. [BOMP.]
Commercials. TGIFriday's has an Atkins-approved menu. Wow, awesome! Or you could just stay home, eat three plates of bacon and eggs, and listen to the sound of thousands of nutritionists crinkling up their diplomas, muttering, "Well, that's fine, nobody needs my highly educated ass, apparently."
We nervously observe various parts of Buenos Aires, as Phil explains that in the "lush countryside" surrounding the city, you will find the teams "relaxing" at La Portena, a "traditional Argentine estate." You know, I have seen some of these people, and I think it's unlikely that they're "relaxing." I promise you, whatever Mirna is doing, she is not relaxing. I imagine something like, "Why isn't anybody helping us eat and sleep? Pequeno bella, is impossible! No can mingle-o!" Elsewhere, Phil is strolling -- man, did Phil get hotter all of a sudden? I've always thought Phil was cute, but they really have gotten a much better bead on how to dress him or something so he doesn't look like such a sixth-grade science teacher, because...yeah. If they ever get the jeans to fit right, Jeff Probst is going to have to go in for chin implants or something just to keep up. Anyway, we move into the pit stop segment, where the main thing I learn is that I still have a really hard time telling Christie and Nicole apart if they aren't with their boyfriends. I don't have trouble when they're in couples, because the Christopher Atkins kind of weird is easy to differentiate from the Bad Ex-Boyfriend Who Kept Some Of Your Underwear kind of weird. Phil wonders whether Chip and Kim will make up with the Twinkies, and whether said Twinkies will get themselves out of last place. Somehow, I suspect both of those teams are going to keep right on sucking wind until there's just no more wind to suck.
11:50 PM. Brandon and Nicole are the first team on the mat. Brandon reads the entire clue like it's a set of queries: "Fly to San Carlos de Bariloche? In Patagonia?" Don't act so confused, Curly. It ain't going to say "Head for Chicago." Some hyper shots of flags follow, and Phil explains for Brandon's baffled benefit that the teams will indeed be driving themselves about 60 miles back to Buenos Aires and to the airport, at which point they'll fly 1000 miles to San Carlos de Bariloche, which is a village at the base of the Andes. When they get there, they'll drive into town and find the mayor, who has their clue. Huh. Well, it's no "find the country represented by this flag," but it doesn't entirely say "go here, nitwit" either. So that's good, I guess. I do love how they edit these little clue-explaining sequences, like we're all visual learners. "They will land [picture of plane], then drive themselves [picture of Jeep] to the mayor's office [picture of mayor]." If you liked See-N-Say, you'll love this kind of editing.
As Brandon and Nicole leave the mat, she explains that they've been together for a year, mostly long-distance, and they're learning whether they really want to be together or not. He agrees that the race is how he intends to find out whether they're "meant to be." Because it's their ultimate love test, apparently, which is almost as touching as it is barfy. They get into their car, with him driving. But they're probably really just hoping to find out whether he's meant to be driving.
11:51 AM, Charla and Mirna. Wow, we learn that they're getting $11 for the leg. Won't be stocking up on the cattle souvenirs, apparently. ("I Had A Moooo-velous Time In Argentina!") Mirna has also decided not to curl her hair quite so extensively today, and actually has it partially tied back with barrettes or something. Maybe she ran out of setting lotion, or maybe she was tired of having her 'do searched by airport security. Charla interviews, with an oddly pained expression on her face (she is, in fairness, spending a lot of time with Mirna and not getting a lot of roughage), that they're "working well together." She says that they yell at each other sometimes, but will always be "there for each other." Well, sure. Probably because they're the only ones who have any idea what either of them is talking about, with all the imaginary Spanish. As they leave, they're following Brandon and Nicole, with whom Mirna explains they have "formed an alliance." She goes on: "They're God-fearing people, just like we are. We hope they stick to their words." Well, sure. Because the atheists are so unreliable in cooperative situations. (God: "Less fear! More listening!") As they go, Mirna notes that it's getting muddy, and Charla directs her to drive into the grass.
Brandon, however, commands Nicole to stop (or, rather, "Stop, baby," because it is the '70s, and he is in a disco, and everyone is doing The Hustle), to which she protests that they can't just stop in the mud. "Yes, we can," he insists. Just then, the laws of physics arrive in the form of wee sprites in festive outfits who suck Nicole's tires down into the muck. Behind them, Mirna loudly complains about the stopping, concerned that it will just get everyone stuck in the mud. She honks her horn and yells, "Go!" Well, I'm glad she does her obnoxious haranguing in a God-fearing way. Nicole spins her wheels as Mirna drives around Brandon and Nicole on the right and starts to take off. Nicole calls on them to wait, as she is now mired in the mud, thanks to her boyfriend's excellent advice. As she and Charla drive off, Mirna observes that Brandon and Nicole are stuck, and wonders aloud whether they should stop. "Yeah, we have to," Charla says, and they do. Brandon climbs out of his car, meanwhile, talking about how they're going to have to get some help. There appear to be several tractors stopped by the side of the road (at midnight?), and Brandon goes over and flags one down. As Charla and Mirna run back to Brandon and Nicole's car, Mirna notes that they have to help Brandon and Nicole, because they're "allies." And, of course, because of God.
12:21 AM. Jim and Marsha. She comments that they're very excited about the way they were able to dig out of last place and get all the way up to third at the end of the second leg. She refers to them as the "comeback kids." The Golden Heifer of Foreshadowing chews her cud thoughtfully.
Spooky music indicating the possible presence of mud-dwelling demons takes us back to Brandon, still trying to get his car out of the mud. As the tractor backs up to get to his car, he notes that his shoe is covered with mud. He therefore picks up his foot, takes off his shoe, and plunks his clean sock down into the mud. Nice work, Einstein, that ought to take care of everything. In other news, the kid who is unmistakably the same kid who demonstrated the bandanna Roadblock with the calves in the last episode is up on the tractor as Brandon asks whether the tractor can pull them all the way through the mud.
Mirna comes to the window and asks Nicole if she and Brandon got stuck. Nicole: "Yeah." Then Mirna asks if she's all set now, and Nicole says yes, they're being pulled out. You know, they're being pulled out by that big tractor...the one that's attaching itself to their car with chains? My sense is that transmissions are not the only things on which Mirna has trouble getting all the gears to engage. As Mirna runs off, Brandon calls out to her to wait for them. Then, as Charla makes her way along the fence, she grasps the top part of it with her hand, and a telltale buzzing -- which I suspect was sadly absent from the real-life events -- goes by on the soundtrack. Charla squeals. "I just got electrocuted!" she hollers. Nicole's like, "Huh?" "I got electrocuuuteeed!" Charla yells again as she heads for the car. The word she's looking for, I would point out, is more like "shocked," as she is not actually dead, which "electrocuted" requires. It's kind of like getting a mouthful of seawater and yelling, "I just drowned!" The tractor pulls Brandon and Nicole out of the mud as Charla returns to the car. Both teams take off, now with Mirna and Charla in the lead. "We had to make sure our friends were okay," Mirna says, "because we would hope that somebody would care enough about us to help us, too." Yeah, your "friends." How incredibly warm. I kind of want to poke her in the eye with her own curling iron.
Marsha navigates her way through the mud, and Jim profusely congratulates her on her crazy mud-avoidance skills. He has survived bandaging! She has survived mud! What could stop them now?
As Charla and Mirna drive, Mirna asks Charla to tell her what to do. "Go straight!" Charla says. Meanwhile, Brandon tells Nicole -- in the trailing car -- "Go left here." Nicole notes that Charla and Mirna are going straight, but Brandon tells her they really do need to go left. Nicole wonders where Charla and Mirna are going, and Brandon says, "They're not going the right way." Up in her car, Mirna notes that suddenly, nobody is behind them anymore. Back in the Blue Lagoon-mobile, Brandon says what sounds like, "Mirna and Charla didn't catch up, so we can't slow down too much...we've got teams on our back." So I think they did wait a little bit, but having already lost time, they don't want to wait indefinitely. Furthermore, they have no idea where Mirna and Charla are, or whether they'll ever come along this route to the airport at all, since if they get down the road and get new directions, they might go a different way entirely and Brandon and Nicole would never see them. So you can't wait for them indefinitely -- that's not one of the choices. I think Brandon and Nicole, as the following car, had very few options in that situation, as it was clear that they didn't realize Mirna and Charla were going the wrong way until it was already happening. "Now we're lost," Mirna declares in her car as she fusses prettily, "because we trusted somebody." Oh, please. You are lost because Charla said, "Go straight," and the right answer was "Go left." It happens. It doesn't mean you're being mistreated. It's this endless ability to blame everyone else for everything that happens that just makes me really, really not like her. The very idea that Brandon and Nicole are the reason she's lost, as opposed to, at worst, not having done quite enough to rescue her ass after she got herself lost, is completely delusional. ["Furthermore, nobody is required to wait for your ass. Why? That's right, kids: Raaaaace." -- Sars]
12:28 AM. Karen and Linda. "Come on, wee-hee-hee!" Linda squeaks as they run to the car. I'm telling you, if they keep squeaking like that, there are going to be casualties. Starting with my eardrums, which I will pierce with barbecue forks. But not right now, because I would be really sad if the last thing I ever heard was "wee-hee-hee!"
12:31 AM. Bob and Joyce leave. Karen explains in her car that they agreed with Bob and Joyce to help each other if they could. As Linda drives through the mud and Karen cautions her not to go too fast, Linda yells, "You forgot my middle name's Mario Andretti!" Karen interviews that Linda is "so vivacious." By which she means "hella squeaky." Joyce, meanwhile, interviews that she and Bob believe that you don't have to be all fit and muscled to win, you just have to keep your head and "handle the stress." Which seems like it should be true, and yet three out of four of the winning teams look like they are made up of bouncers, so...I mean, whatever. I'd like to think they're right, and there really is no bouncer team this year, so we're bound to get a different result. Which is good, because I'm kind of tired of the list of winners including only bouncers and Flo. (Oh, my God, Bouncers and Flo is totally my new buddy-cop film. Don't you dare steal it.)
Charla and Mirna are lost as usual, and Mirna is asking for directions to the airport. Just in case "air-o-puerta" from Mirna isn't adequate to inform the poor lady they're bothering what it is they're looking for, Charla spins around, giving a little airplane imitation. "Charla, get in the car, forget about it!" Mirna barks. Wow. Thanks, Bossy van Snippypants. We'll all just line up to take our orders from you, I suppose. Elsewhere, Brandon and Nicole approach the airport. "It looks desolate," he comments as they go inside. Well...it is the middle of the night. Not exactly prime time for airports to be hopping. In fact, I'd say it's the time of night where people getting on red-eye flights expect you to allow them to peacefully sleep standing up in the security line.
12:32 AM. Colin and Christie. Christie interviews as they leave that they've been kicking around near the back of the pack since the race started, and they've had to work on avoiding being the last team. Colin, meanwhile, remarks calmly that he's sized up the competition, and he's confident that he's going to win. Well, that's...a little premature. Try finishing in the top half for a leg before you get too confident, there, Mr. Intensity.
At the airport, Brandon and Nicole (Dating! Models!) are working the phone, and he's asking about getting to Patagonia. He remarks that they're right by the ticket counter for Argentine Airlines. On the phone, they tell him that the earliest flight is at 9:10, but that one is sold out. "Let me talk to him," Nicole says, confidently taking the phone. "Sir?" she says. "When is the flight?" Wow, I'm glad she took over, because I doubt Brandon would have come up with the always-sneaky "Ask About The Flight After That" strategy on his own. The guy tells her that the flight is at 10:30.
Jim and Marsha drive up to the airport. She surmises that because Patagonia is in Argentina, they should go to Argentine Airlines. Well, sure. Why check anywhere else? After all, nobody flies between St. Louis and San Francisco except American Airlines. Sigh. At 2:30 AM, Marsha goes up to the line and puts her stuff down, apparently having decided to just wait it out at the counter. Meanwhile, Nicole is apparently being told that she can't reserve tickets over the phone.
Linda and Karen and Bob and Joyce are slightly lost in their little caravan, and once Linda admits through the open window to Bob and Joyce that she's lost, they pull over and have a chat. Just then, Colin and Christie approach. The other teams sound rather excited that Colin is approaching, as if they've concluded that Colin is That Nice Smart Boy Who Always Knows Everything. Like what cemetery to go to, for instance. Smart Creepy Colin stops the car and walks up on the conversation. He has nice shoulders, but the slicked-back hair really needs to stop immediately. This is no time to emulate late-model Judd Nelson. ("This" being "ever.") They all have a discussion, and the other teams agree to go with Colin's instinct that they just need to go a little farther and keep looking for the airport. What's more, they ask him to lead. When he's back in the car, he smiles an extremely evil little smile, as he voices over that part of his strategy is helping people now, so that he'll be able to get information from them later.
12:41 Marshall and Lance. As they head to their car, Lance says that he and Marshall aren't "bodybuilder-type" guys. I make a note. They voice over, in what sounds almost like it's a cobbling together of both of their voices, that they just have a goal of sticking around every leg, over and over and over again. It's interesting how their hopes and my fears are so closely aligned.
The Colin-led brigade arrives at the airport. "Come on, let's go get some tickets, you guys!" Linda squeals on the way in. Come on, let's stop screeching! I'm telling you, there's a fine line between "vivacious" and "seemingly hopped up on pills."
Charla and Mirna? Oh, yeah. Still lost. Mirna asks a guy for directions. In fact, she gets him to take her to the airport, as she apparently has no ability to follow a map, nor does Charla. I'll say this for them -- I've never seen a team so good at taking advantage of people's kindness to compensate for their own total ineptitude. It's a legitimate strategy, I just think it's kind of tiresome.
At the airport, Brandon and Nicole ask a security guy what time the Argentine Airlines counter opens. He tells them it opens at 4:00 AM. They run into Marsha, who apparently put her bags down at the Argentine counter but hasn't talked to anyone yet, and tell her that the first available flight is at 10:30, because the 9:10 is sold out. They also share this news with Linda and Karen, who in turn share it with Bob and Joyce. These last two teams apparently decide not to hassle over it, and agree to just book the 10:30 flight when the counter opens up. Well, sure, because...no hurry.
Karma makes its first convincing appearance of the season, running onstage with a hat and a cane, singing, "Hello, my baby, hello, my honey, hello, my ragtime gal," as Marshall and Lance get a big old flat tire. Which they deserve. They pull the car over and start trying to decipher the instructions in the manual. Yes, that would be the manual on tire-changing, because tire-changing is apparently not intuitive at all, so you very much need a book about it, lest you incorrectly try to locate the spare in the glove compartment or take off the lug nuts with one of the radio knobs.
1:08 AM. Chip and Kim. As they leave the mat, Kim voices over that she and Chip believe that "there's no such thing as an alliance," which makes a surprising amount of sense in this particular game. "From this point forward, we just trust each other," she says. That's so sane, I don't know how it ever got on the air. I'm sure that kind of madness won't continue.
1:13 AM. Twinkies. Karli reads the word "Patagonia!" with great enthusiasm, which I secretly believe is because she thinks it's the country Julie Andrews is from in The Princess Diaries. They're off. She voices over that they're feeling "anxious" because they're in last place. Now, unless they've switched the necklace, they switch girls in the middle of this comment, because when the voice talks, it says "Kami and I," but when they show the girl talking at the end, she has the necklace on, which has indicated Kami in the past. No fair switching speakers in the middle of a sentence, editing types. It's not like twins aren't already enough of a challenge.
For some reason, there is chicka-bocka music playing as Lance and Marshall change their tire. Are we changing the tire, or are we getting funky? Because I really don't want to see either one, but if it's the latter, I'm going on strike right now. In other news, they express total befuddlement at...the wrench. And seriously, y'all, even I know what that is. There's no reason to look at the wrench like it's an obscure Chinese artifact. They do get the tire changed, although I have to wonder if any of the nuts were still on when they had driven a quarter-mile. When they finally get going, they congratulate themselves for the fact that "two fat Jewish guys" were perfectly capable of changing a tire, and only lost thirteen minutes. Or rather, Lance congratulates them and Marshall laughs at Lance, because Lance is hilarious. Lance is comedy personified. Lance is laughter, and laughter is love, people. (The preceding two sentences borrowed with permission from the upcoming cabaret show, Lance Is Love.)
Charla and Mirna finally make it to the airport, and Charla exchanges the cheek-kiss with the taxi driver who led them there so that they wouldn't have to follow a map or anything, because if they'd wanted to spend a month following directions and feeling all pressured, they would have gone on some kind of show about traveling in a hurry.
At the airport, when Charla and Mirna run into Brandon and Nicole inside, Brandon comes up, calling, "Mirna! Where in the world did you guys go?" Mirna whines to Nicole and Brandon about "what happened to you guys?", and Brandon insists that they waited for some span of time before they left again, which would be consistent with his comment in the car that the cousins "didn't catch up" and he and Nicole weren't able to wait indefinitely. "We thought you guys just ditched us; we were really upset," Mirna says expectantly, as if Brandon is going to apologize to her just because she was "upset." Whatever. I think having to live without a shower massage makes Mirna upset. ["Did anyone else's mind go where mine just went? Thought so. Pass the bleach." -- Sars]
Mirna gives a quick interview in which she says that Brandon and Nicole claim to have waited for them, although Mirna didn't see them. Well, how would she have seen them? It didn't appear that she ever got herself on the right route on her own, so how would she have seen them if, as he said, they turned and waited for a minute or two before they continued on? Unclench, Mirna. It's going to be a long race for both of us if you do the entire thing wearing that bitchface. Mirna then says that Brandon and Nicole have agreed to book tickets for all four of them, and "if they truly want to show that we can trust them, then they will." All this self-righteousness because Brandon and Nicole committed the sin of being behind Mirna when she and Charla fucked up and went the wrong direction. All. This. Self-Righteousness. Leave it to Mirna to make me sympathetic to the models with God on their side.
Chip, driving to the airport, grins and notes that the Twinkies have caught up to them. He notes that the girls are "kind of competitive." Meanwhile, in the Twinkie car, Kami says in her best pinchy Mean Girls voice, "I think Chip is an ass. We had a falling-out in the last leg." Chip now says, "My little nickname for the twins is the Bad Seeds. They seem like these little cute, innocent things, but they will chop your head off." I don't think they would chop your head off, as much as they would tell you that you were obligated to chop your own head off, and then they'd think you were a bad person if you said no.
Marshall and Lance arrive at the airport and note that everyone is waiting for Argentine Airlines to open. Bob and Joyce fill them in that it's all about waiting for the 10:30 flight. They leave their bags and go off in search of "an alternate route," and they wind up at a Southern Winds counter. They ask a guy whether Southern Winds (which Lance calls "South Winds," because it's hard to correctly recite an airline's three-syllable name when it's printed on a bunch of signs right in front of your face) flies to Patagonia, and the guy confirms that it does. Furthermore, it has a flight at 9:40. (Music: "[Brrrrrump!]") The brothers look stunned. In fact, Lance has his little hand over his mouth like he's an eight-year-old girl who just heard somebody say "sex." They ask the guy to find out whether there are seats available.
Brandon and Nicole and Charla and Mirna visit the Southern Winds counter as well, but when they run into Lance, he tells them that the ticket agent isn't open until 5:30 AM. Mirna asks whether they're "in line for [the ticket agent]," and Lance says yes. The ticket guy tells Marshall and Lance that there are still a few seats on the 9:40 flight -- a flight the news of which Charla shares with Brandon. The ticket guy tells Lance that in order to line up, he won't want to stand right by the counter where he is now, but across the hall. At this, Mirna and Charla run across the hall to cut the brothers off before they can get there. Which would be perfectly fine, and race-like and everything, except that if you watched the CBS Insider clips, you know that Mirna threw an absolute apoplectic hissyfit -- including doing the least flattering thing any lawyer can do, ever, which is pull out the "I know everything, I'm an attorney" card, just after threatening to call security and accusing Bob of "trespassing on [her] property" -- when Bob didn't allow her bags to hold her place in a line after she had walked away. Not only that, but she called him both "disgusting" (!) and "sick" (!!) because he was "an elderly gentleman" who touched her bags (by moving them out of the way). Look, Mirna. If you want people to play by kindergarten rules to the degree where your bags can indefinitely hold your place in line, then you certainly can't pull something like this, where you cut off the person who was clearly at the desk ahead of you, just by running to the new place to stand before he can get there. Again, a situation where Mirna could legitimately do it either way, but not both. And furthermore, "sick" and "disgusting"? Over having your bags moved out of the way? You need some Advil and a very tall cocktail, you big, fluffy drama queen.
Trying to figure out whether it's worth his time to stand in line behind the bitching Mirna, Marshall asks her whether she's buying tickets for anyone else. "Are you buying for anyone else?" she snots back. He says no. One of the brothers voices over that "Mirna and Schmirna" (okay, I chortled, even though it's not funny) were in line ahead of them, which created a possible problem if they were buying for multiple teams. Just at this point, Brandon and Nicole walk over to the line. Marshall (I think) asks Brandon and Nicole whether they're with Charla and Mirna for ticket-buying. Mirna walks over and tries to insert herself into the conversation, complaining that it's "none of [their] business." "Stand in line!" she commands. "I have a right to ask him whatever I want," Marshall quite correctly says, more calmly than she deserves. He apparently recognizes, as Mirna does not, that this is not Mirnaland, where Mirna is Queen and gets to wave her Mirna-Wand and straighten her Mirna-Crown and tell everyone what to do. Mirna wears her bitchface and her crossed arms some more as Marshall continues to see whether Brandon and Nicole will just tell him what's going on. "If you're working together with [Mirna and Schmirna], that's fine," he says. Nicole calmly explains that Charla and Mirna are standing in the Southern Winds line, while she and Brandon are in the Argentine Airlines line. Mirna butts in again (God, SHUT UP), all, "Nikki, why do you have to explain it to him? It's none of his business." (Yeah, and speaking of NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS...) As Marshall walks away, he says to no one, "I hate her so much, I can't even begin to explain it to you." He vows to get even. I'm surprised to find myself in this position, but I feel Marshall at that particular moment, because she is quite insufferable indeed.
Chip and Kim pull up to the airport, right along with KamiKarli. These teams do appear to be destined to spend a lot of time together, that's for sure. Inside, all the other teams are standing around. Certainly is a lot of standing around in this leg.
At 4:00 AM, the ticket counter at Argentine Airlines opens. Marsha opens by asking for the 9:10 AM flight. The woman tells her that there is only one seat available on that flight. Marsha tells the lady that they (which is, in reality, not only herself and her dad, but also their two crew guys) need to fly together, and she wants to purchase the one seat on the 9:10, hoping that the other three can get on standby. Oh, Marsha, that is not smart. I would assume that you can't buy two confirmed seats for the same person for two successive flights, and I think you have to make sure you come out of this with confirmed seats for all four people on some flight or another, so I think she made a yooooooge (tm Trump) mistake there by buying one seat when she couldn't buy four. For a given flight, you either put everybody on standby or you get everybody a ticket, because one seat does pretty much nothing for you except block you from flights that all of you can get on. As Marsha is buying, Nicole leans over and asks if Marsha will get "us" tickets. (No hint of how many of "us" there are in that request.) Marsha agrees.
Mirna, still waiting at the Southern Winds counter, looks down and sees what looks to be going on, and she says with some concern that they "put [their] faith" in Brandon and Nicole, and now it looks like they're having Marsha buy them tickets. Of course, if I were Brandon and Nicole, and I saw how Mirna acted since everybody got to the airport, I wouldn't be her ally anymore, either. We then see Marsha telling the flight lady, "We also need to book for tickets for 10:30." Mirna comes over and butts her head in. "They're buying tickets for you," she says to Nicole. "No, no," Nicole says. "They're not buying tickets for us." "Why is Marsha buying tickets for you?" Mirna demands again. "They're not buying tickets." Nicole tells her. Marsha turns around and says, "And then we put you on the 10:30 flight as well." Interestingly, that was cut like more of a "Busted!" situation than I think it may have actually been. It's hard to figure what actually happened. Presumably, Brandon and Nicole were in a perfectly good position to get 10:30 tickets on their own -- they didn't need Marsha for that. I think perhaps they wanted Marsha to get them on standby for the 9:10, and that's what Nicole was telling Mirna ("They're not buying tickets"), and that although Marsha did end up buying them tickets, that wasn't really what they were up to. Ultimately, I don't like this new thing of people buying tickets for each other anyway, so if you get screwed out of the extra benefit of having another place in another line in addition to the one you're waiting in, I really don't feel all that bad for you. In an interview, Charla complains about how Brandon and Nicole "broke [their] trust," blah blah blah, which is hard to take seriously, considering that she and Mirna had already concluded they were being treated poorly when Brandon and Nicole failed to throw a lasso around their car and keep them from driving off in the wrong direction on the way to the airport. Feh. "If you give these people the chance, they'll squash you like a bug," Mirna complains bitterly as she stands at the Southern Winds counter. Man, you'd almost think this wasn't a cooperative endeavor at all. You'd think it was something competitive, like some kind of...well, Sars will throw the word in for you right about here. ["Race. Some kind of race. The kind that will amaze you." -- Sars]
Back at the counter, Nicole confirms with Marsha that they're guaranteed for 10:30. Linda, meanwhile, explains that she booked herself and Karen, as well as Bob and Joyce, on the 10:30, too. Christie and Colin and Chip and Kim follow. The Twinkies, however, have to go standby on the 10:30, because Chip and Kim took the last confirmed seats. They speculate that they might be "screwed at this point." Hee hee, that's so sad, I can barely bring myself to grin from ear to ear.
5:30 AM. Mirna buys tickets for the 9:40 flight. Marshall and Lance get tickets on it as well. Nicole then comes up to that counter, and is told the flight is full. She asks to be put on standby for the 9:40 flight. Brandon, meanwhile, explains that he's in line for standby for the 9:10, so it looks like perhaps Marsha didn't get them on standby. Colin and Christie are trying to get on standby for that flight, too. "Please, por favor," Christie says, at which point Colin holds up his shushing finger. "Shhhh," he says. "Just stop talking, okay? Because you're real high-strung and it's stressing these people out." Yeah, you can keep the shushing finger to yourself, there, dear, if you don't want it broken off at the knuckle. What is she, eleven years old? Not to mention, "high-strung"? Coming from a person who calls himself "the most intense person to ever run the race," and who looks like he regularly grinds glass with his teeth? Shut up. As Christie looks at him most unhappily, Colin asks the ticket lady if they can be put at the top of the standby list for the 9:10, and the lady complies. He smiles coolly, because of course, it's easy to be nice to her. Someday, he's going to forget, and he'll be nice to Christie and shush the ticket agent, and he'll find himself on a one-way flight to Akron.
Brandon and Nicole then get themselves on standby as well. It certainly looks plausible to me that there could have been confusion over when tickets were being purchased as opposed to when standby was being achieved, to the point where I'm not at all convinced that Nicole was doing anything particularly awful when she told Mirna that Marsha wasn't buying her tickets. Obviously, Nicole at some point discovered she couldn't get on standby that way (thus, waiting in this second line), and that may have caused the dust-up. Either way, it's Mirna. Mirna hasn't exactly earned anyone's loyalty, so whatever.
Anyway, Brandon explains that they have tickets on the 10:30, and they're on standby for the 9:10 and 9:40. Nicole says it's an "emotional roller-coaster." And then, in seriously one of the funniest things they've ever done on this show, we cut to a shot of Brandon and Nicole looking softly upwards, as cranked-up sparkly light on the windows behind them overwhelms the shot and churchy music goes "Aaaaaaaah" in the background. Nicole explains in her voice-over that she's just asking the Lord to keep her calm and focused. And then we slide up from their upturned faces, to see that Brandon and Nicole are staring at the warm, celestial glow of the arrival/departure monitors. Wow. That was so brilliant I think I passed out. Dear Everybody Who Makes This Show: Be my Valentine. Love, Miss Alli.
Charla and Mirna are at the Argentine Airlines counter, trying to work themselves onto the 9:10 flight. "I have to get to the doctor," Charla insists. (God: "What happened to all the fearing?") Unbelievable. Again, you can either bitch self-righteously about other people's lack of honor, or you can lie through your teeth and take advantage of the compassion of airline personnel to get your way. You can either choose to run the race like a racer (my personal preference), or you can run it like a Scout, but you cannot demand that you get to run like a racer and everybody else has to run it like Scouts. That is utter nonsense. Man, I do not like these girls at all. At. All. Charla voices over that they're trying to get help, and she says, "Usually, people help me when they see me." I'm not even going to keep track of the number of times they openly exploit Charla's size and the fact that people feel sorry for her, but I will say it's now pretty well-established that they are openly exploiting Charla's size and the fact that people feel sorry for her, which again is not such a great way of breaking stereotypes or proving how capable she is. She repeats again, "I need a doctoro." "Okay," the lady says, "I will give you a priority." That would be, presumably, a medical priority of some sort. I have to say, I understand about using all your advantages to get ahead, but I would certainly hate to see this show degenerate into people trying to find the sneakiest lie they can come up with to make people help them -- "You've got to get me out of town, my abusive husband is after me" or whatever. I don't find this kind of thing -- the phony medical emergency -- very entertaining or very satisfying. Furthermore, I do believe God makes a note of it in his Great Big Book of Fear This, Blondie.
Jim and Marsha actually look at their tickets at this point for the first time, and they discover that Marsha has a ticket at 9:10, and he and the crew have tickets at 10:30. But she has no ticket at 10:30, probably because, again, you cannot have tickets for both, or because the lady didn't realize she was saying she wanted tickets for both -- in which case it was Marsha's responsibility to check and make sure she got both tickets, given the strange nature of her request. Marsha finally gets on the stick about getting herself on the waiting list for 10:30, but by now, of course, that flight is sold out and other people (including the Twinkies) are on that waiting list ahead of her. She just bungled the airport, is all. Bungled it good. The lady tells her there's maybe a ten percent chance they'll make it onto the 10:30 flight. Aww.
At the standby counter for the 9:10 AM flight, the first people who are allowed on are Colin and Christie -- who appeared to ask first, as well as specifically asking to be put at the top of the list. Second on are Mirna and the Medical Emergency. Whatever. I hope they get airsick. These are the only two teams that are going to make the 9:10. Again, why Mirna's innate moral sense of "firsties" didn't kick in to prevent her from snaking ahead of Brandon and Nicole when they got themselves on the standby list before she did is...well, it's not clear, entirely.
Jim voices over that they're still trying to stay positive, because they still have standby tickets on the 10:30 flight. Meanwhile, the 9:10 flight leaves. , the 9:40 flight leaves, carrying Marshall and Lance and Brandon and Nicole, who apparently got standby. Sadly, it isn't clear whether Jim and Marsha even pursued standby on the 9:40, or ever even knew about it. You certainly don't see them standing around at the standby counter. In fact, you don't see a lot of people around the standby counter, and it would be sad to think they could have made this flight if they'd asked.
The 10:30 flight carries Linda and Karen, Bob and Joyce, and Chip and Kim. And then, waiting for standby, are KamiKarli and Jim and Marsha. And who gets on the plane? The Twinkies. Awwww. Marsha looks shocked, which she shouldn't, because it looks like she was just about the last person to get herself on standby, so...there you go. Jim and Marsha do not make the flight. Dun-dun-duuun!
Commercials. Ron Livingston and...Brittany Murphy? What kind of a cosmic injustice is that?
We return to the sight of the 10:30 AM flight pulling out. Phil explains, with help from the Amazing Yellow, Red, and Orange Lines (a whole family of them! Now with little tiny planes in the front!), that eight of the nine teams are en route to San Carlos de Bariloche, on three flights. First flight is the 9:10, with Colin and Christie and Mirna and Schmirna. Er, "Charla." Second flight is the Southern Winds 9:40, carrying Marshall and Lance and Brandon and Nicole. Final flight is the 10:30, featuring the Screechy Moms, Bob and Joyce, Chip and Kim, and the Twinkies. Back at the airport, Marsha and Jim are getting themselves on a Southern Winds 11:30 flight. She speculates that they could still catch up, and will not be quitting. Sigh. Well, that's good, anyway. Their flight leaves at 11:30 AM.
In Bariloche, Mirna and Charla and Colin and Christie deplane and head across the parking lot to a row of white Jeeps. Mirna, providing information that you will really not need her to provide, says, "I've never driven a car quite like this before!" Colin and Christie, meanwhile, scope out one that has decent-looking tires before climbing in. Ooh, pretty smart. "I don't know how to drive this car," Mirna complains as she tries to start it and Colin and Christie get out ahead of her. Colin admires a lake as they cruise by it, and Christie agrees, so that he won't come at her with the shushing finger. Finally, Charla and Mirna are on their way, and Charla admires the natural beauty as well. Mirna is probably angry at the natural beauty for not being more helpful.
The second flight lands, and Marshall and Lance and Blue Lagoon walk through the airport on their way out. Brandon describes to Nicole the directions he got on the plane, and he explains in a voice-over that he met someone on the plane who explained to him exactly how to find the mayor's office when they get into town. Unsurprisingly, Marshall and Lance become aware of this and remark, "We're going to try to follow you." Brandon's like, "Uh, okay," because they didn't really ask, so much as inform.
Colin and Christie are the first to find the mayor's office, and as they get their clue, Colin congratulates the mayor on his "beautiful town." Eh. The mayor should have shushed him. They leave, and read a clue directing them to a "chocolate factory." Phil explains that there are a lot of chocolate stores in Bariloche, and they have to find a particular one that's only two blocks away. As Charla and Mirna pull up and go into the office, Colin and Christie get directions to the factory. They're the first to arrive there, and when they pull the clue, it's a Roadblock. Phil explains that in this particular Roadblock, there are 11,000 pieces of chocolate laid out, 20 of which have white centers. One team member has to bite into pieces of chocolate from the pile until they find a white one. When they find it, they'll get their clue. Sheesh, 11,000 pieces? And 20 white ones? I don't like those odds, nausea-wise.
Colin takes the Roadblock, and for whatever reason, is forced into not only an apron but a comical chef's hat before he can start biting. Christie watches through an interior window as he goes to work. (EEFP Zron: "This is not the last time that Colin and Christie are going to hold a conversation through a pane of glass. Of course, time he'll be wearing an orange jumpsuit.")
Brandon and Nicole make a light that Marshall and Lance do not make. Ah, well. You can't always sponge off other people's information, now, can you? In a heavily chopped-up sentence, Nicole comments on her concern that they're going to look like they're "screwing people over," although in that situation, it looked like there was no "agreement," there was just a team that said it was going to try to follow them. As they say, there's no honor among leeches.
At the Roadblock, Charla blanches at doing it, but Mirna insistently barks, "I will vomit, Charla!" at which point, Charla relents. Because...when somebody pulls the vomit card, there's really nothing you can do. Furthermore, Mirna did the last one, so Charla knows she sort of needs to suck it up. (Uh, literally.) As Colin eats chocolates, a chef's-hatted Charla runs in with a stool, sets it down, and climbs up to reach the counter where the chocolates are. Mirna yells at her about how she doesn't have to eat them, she just has to bite them. Colin cracks up watching her, although in all honesty, they all look pretty damn stupid, so I can't really judge for that, even though he's pinging all over my Creepy-Meter. Charla complains about how disgusting it is, how she's going to throw up, blah dee blah. Charla does, however, find a white one fairly quickly, it appears, and she springs down from the stool (yikes) and runs out. Yeah, not so funny anymore, is it, Creepy-Creepy? Charla goes over and hands her clue to the "master," who is a little person also, as it turns out. (Note to production muckety-mucks: If that is, as reported, actually supposed to be an Oompa-Loompa joke? It is seriously beneath you, and it's time to stop drinking while planning tasks, because no, that is not funny.) Charla runs out and is subjected to being hugged by Mirna, who tells her what a great job she did. As they read their clue, Phil explains that they'll have to drive 12 miles to Villa Catedral, where they'll take a gondola up a mountain.
Back at the Roadblock, Colin is irked to see that Christie is pacing around, not watching what's going into his mouth. He knocks on the glass insistently until she turns and looks. He makes the "Look" sign with his fingers pointing at his eyes. Oh, come on. Is he insisting that she watch everything he bites into? Can he not look at the pieces of chocolate? Is he too intense for that? ["And seriously, who makes that gesture besides phys-ed teachers who are simultaneously barking, 'Front and center!'? Nobody, that's who." -- Sars] Christie voices over that "Colin has a short fuse," and says that she'll be giving him "a little leeway" (emphasis hers) when he "gets frustrated." Hmmm. Don't like the sound of that one bit. All too often, "short fuse" is code for "tendency to belittle me when angry." , we see her call his attention to one of the chocolates, asking whether it was a white one. "Cream, was that cream?" "Whaaaat?" he says with great irritation, as if she's nuts. "No-o!" he shouts, kicking at the large pile of chocolates accumulating on the floor at his feet. So, let me get this straight. She's supposed to look, but if she thinks she sees one, she's not supposed to say anything, lest he scream at her? Okay, get it together, there, guy. You're coming off like a psycho, and I am not so much into "leeway."
Mirna struggles with the Jeep, manipulating the gearshift with both hands, making the gears cry with pain. "Oh, my gosh, there's like smoke coming out," she says. She then manages to back up into the car behind her, at which point its burglar alarm goes off. Mirna is like a little traveling disaster. She should come with her own FEMA representative.
And then Marshall and Lance are driving up to the mayor's office, where it appears Mirna and Charla left their truck when they went to the chocolate factory, so that's where Mirna is struggling with the gears. "Bitch!" one of them (undoubtedly Lance) yells out the window as they pass. Mirna looks up. "Who was that? Somebody just yelled 'Bitch.'" Cut to Lance, laughing at how hilarious he is. And we're back to Mirna, stating that "the people that we deal with are disgusting." Sigh. She was all set to have the moral high ground in that situation...why did she have to give it up? I mean, aside from Marshall and Lance and that comment right there, nobody else has earned "disgusting" yet. I guess she's talking about Bob, because he touched her bags, and is lucky he hasn't been arrested already. It's unfortunate that she's such a whiner that she makes it difficult to feel sorry for her, even in this situation where she's clearly been wronged by a total fuckwit, and sympathy for her is entirely called for.
Brandon and Nicole visit the mayor's office, get their clue, and go.
Back at the chocolate factory, Colin the Creepy Chocolate-Eater is still trying to bite his way to victory. He finally gets a white one. He and Christie grab their clue and leave.
At 12:30, the third flight lands, and Bob and Joyce are on the run out of the airport. Just behind them are the Twinkies, the Moms, and Chip and Kim.
Meanwhile, back at the mayor's office, which they've finally found, Lance and Marshall ponder what they're doing as they run inside. Well, you're...you're going inside, idiots. And you're seeing the mayor, and...do I really have to explain? Oh, good. They get the clue and leave, which is probably a great relief to the mayor, who presumably sprayed his office for bugs immediately. It's a shame that you can't spray for boorish louts.
Brandon and Nicole find the chocolate factory on foot. He offers to take the Roadblock on the theory that he has "a bigger stomach." Than a pageant girl? Yes, probably. She watches and laughs good-naturedly as he says with trepidation that he has "a better shot at winning the lottery." Your odds of winning the lottery are better than 1 in 550? Oh, Brandon. You are the kind of person who makes the lottery work. He ultimately finds his white center (snerk) and raises it in the air, yelling, "Woo!", because that's the law. They get their clue and run out to their Jeep, heading for Villa Catedral.
Mirna and Charla make a turn that appears to actually be correct, and Colin and Christie are just behind them. "Let's just make sure we beat 'em," Colin says, chewing on the map. No, really. Chewing. On. The map. (Creepy-Meter: "Weee-ooooh, weeeeee-ooooooh, weeeeee-oooooh.") Mirna notes that Colin is following them, and says, "Oh, man, we need to get there first." Of course, when people are following you, that's often what happens, so maybe she'll get lucky.
Back at the chocolate factory, Lance says he doesn't like sweets, so Marshall is fatefully sent in to deal with the Roadblock. He commences chomping. Meanwhile, Bob and Joyce find the mayor's office and then head for the chocolate factory, as do Linda and Karen, the Twinkies, and Chip and Kim.
Back at the Roadblock, Lance is harassing Marshall to go faster, and Marshall is protesting that he's going to "puke." Lance opines that it's taking far too long. Yeah. If you want to have good luck, don't yell "Bitch!" out of car windows, Sparky. Because surprisingly often, that'll happen.
Joyce takes the Roadblock for her team. As she runs in, Lance bitches that "everybody's catching up," and Marshall responds that he can do nothing -- "It's random luck." Which it is, if you leave out the fact that he's not going particularly quickly. As Marshall and Joyce stand there biting chocolates, Joyce suddenly yells, "Got it!", and she scoots. In fourth place, they run to their Jeep and take off.
At 1:45 PM, Jim and Marsha finally land. They get in their cab, and when Marsha asks her dad what he thinks they should do, Jim responds that they should hire a taxi to lead them to the mayor's office. I agree with this, basically -- you might as well deploy all your resources, because you have nothing to lose. Except, you know, the whole thing.
Roadblock. Marshall and Lance looking at each other miserably. Marshall taking his time. Linda, outside, agreeing to take the Roadblock. Inside, Karen asks Lance how long they've already been here, and he claims that it's been an hour. The Twinkies arrive , and Kami runs in to do it. As she gets started and Linda keeps going, Marshall declares that he "can't do it." He leans against the table miserably. After being admonished by Karli to "stay focused" (DRINK!), Kami finally comes up with the white center. They leave. As they're running to their Jeep, Chip and Kim are pulling up. "Go, Twins, go!" Chip calls as he passes them. "Yeah, right," spits a running Twinkie. Chip takes the Roadblock for his team and winds up going through chocolates alongside a still-energetic Linda and a flagging Marshall.
Jim and Marsha pull up to the mayor's office and run inside. They get their clue and go.
Back at the Roadblock, Linda finally finds a white center, and she squeaks (of course), then runs for it. Marshall flings a chocolate across the room in disgust. Hey, don't abuse the confections, dude. They are innocent bystanders, full of chocolaty goodness. At this point, Lance is forced to chuckle in a resigned fashion that Marshall is the only guy who can't find the white one. Linda and Karen leave in sixth place. "Should I even continue over here?" Marshall moans as Chip finds a white one and runs for it. Hee. "Just keep going!" Lance yells. Yeah. How about you keep going, ass.
Commercials. I don't care how open-minded you tell me to be; I am uncomfortable traveling to a cartoon peanut. You just don't know who you can trust.
When we return, Marshall, who now looks like some kind of clinically depressed chef, asks Lance whether he should move to a different spot on the Great Chocolate Array. Lance thinks it's better to just keep working where he is. Marshall voices over about the "feeling of helplessness" that he got as teams came and went without his being able to find a white chocolate. "You do know what the color white is, right?" Lance says loudly through the glass, and Marshall looks up at him ominously, and then smiles a little. Finally, Marshall bites into one, gets up with great relief, and hands it in to get their clue. In their Jeep, Marshall again complains about the "random luck" at the Roadblock. Interestingly enough, the random luck didn't seem so stupid to him at the roulette Detour, when it benefited him. Go figure.
Jim and Marsha arrive at the chocolate factory. "Who's got a sweet tooth?" the clue reads. "You do!" Marsha chirps, probably because chocolate would make her fat. Jim agrees to do it. We watch him start to attack what's left of the chocolate. Considering that Marshall was kind enough to bite into about nine million of them, there aren't that many left.
Having navigated themselves to the mountain with surprising competency, Mirna and Charla arrive there in first place, with Colin and Christie just behind. Both teams walk up to the gondola together. They board and head up the mountain to receive their alien implants. Brandon and Nicole are just pulling up, and as they look for flags, Brandon thanks God. (God: "Don't look at me. I was busy hiding chocolates from Marshall.")
Jim finishes the Roadblock, and they again hire someone they can follow to Villa Catedral.
Meanwhile, Mirna and Charla and Creepy and Christie get off the gondola at the top of the mountain. As the teams are on the path up to the clue box, Colin mutters to Christie, "I am so serious, we have to beat the midget," and then he and Christie run past Mirna and Charla. Nice. Furthermore, Mirna's all, "Come on, Charla! Push through, honey," as if Charla needs motivational assistance, which she obviously does not. If she can overcome Mirna, that's really the biggest obstacle of all, so there you go.
Both teams pull the clue, and it's a Detour. The options are Smooth Sailing and Rough Riding. The first option is paragliding (tethered to an instructor) off a mountain; the second is a six-mile bike ride down the mountain. Yeah, there's a close call. That's barely even Reckless/Chicken. That's like Reckless/Triathlete. Whatever, Detour designers. Both teams choose the paragliding, with Charla, among other things, saying she can't ride the bikes, which is an interesting question of its own.
Christie and Creepy are the first to do the paraglide. Charla and Mirna are right behind them, and Mirna interviews that although she was scared and crying, she tried not to act scared so that Charla wouldn't be scared. Mirna? You are not Charla's mother, and Charla IS NOT SCARED. Jesus. Has she met Charla? Charla is a little person, not a little girl. "Charla," she calls out. "God be with you." Charla comes back with, "Don't worry, Mirna, we're going to make it. It's fine." See? She knows you're scared anyway, Mirna, so just don't try so hard. Mirna glides. Charla glides. I find myself really wishing they would quit it with the persecution complex (Mirna in particular, though not exclusively), because I think that otherwise, I might be able to find them endearingly wacky. But they really, really, really need to stop blaming other people for everything that happens and acting like angry three-year-olds when they don't get their way.
Brandon and Nicole are in the gondola to the top of the mountain when he looks out and sees the paragliders. "Oh, my gosh, Nic, look," he says. When they get to the top and pull the clue, they, too, select the paragliding. Bob and Joyce are pulling up to the flags at the bottom of the mountain, along with the Twinkies, Linda and Karen, and Chip and Kim. Marshall and Lance, meanwhile, are asking for directions, and Jim and Marsha are following their taxi driver. This is the portion of the episode in which they try to convince you that it is still possible that despite landing substantially after everyone else, Jim and Marsha may make it. Also known as The Later Part Of Every Boston Red Sox Season, Ever.
Colin and Christie land. They read the clue, which directs them to drive to the pit stop. Phil explains that now, it's time to drive 14 miles to Bahia Lopez, a bay outside Bariloche. When they get there, they'll have to find Phil and the mat, both of which are on a little island out in the bay. The last team to check in will be Philiminated. Christie and Creepy run for their Jeep as Mirna and Charla are landing. There's some swell ankle-level camera work, by the way, following Colin and Christie as they run through a field of wildflowers. Mirna lands, and she chooses from the list of approved paragliding metaphors, stating that she felt like "a bird in the sky." They read the pit stop clue. As they go, Charla declares that she needs to do a cartwheel, and she does. Hee. I thought that was cute. Oh, whatever, kill me, I'm not totally heartless. It's a cartwheel!
Brandon and Nicole paraglide. They wave to each other in the air. As they land, Brandon says, and I quote, "Ayyy, yi-yi-yi-yi-yeah-yay." Or thereabouts. They read the pit stop clue. As they do, Bob and Joyce read the Detour clue, and they pick the paragliding. "Oh, YES!" Joyce says, happily pumping her fist. "I've always wanted to do this!" That was awesome. She's kinda cool. And they apparently got the gondola ahead of the Moms, Twinkies, and Chip and Kim, because those teams are still at the bottom. Kim says, as she and Chip wait, that she's hoping their "friends, the twins," won't "sneak their way" on. Twinkies sneaking their way on ensues. These two teams, destined as they are to see a lot of each other, go up together, as Linda and Karen continue looking for the gondola. On the mountain, as Chip runs to the clue, he calls out to the Twinkies, "We're tired of eating your dust!" I would call that good-natured, but I'm sure Kami wouldn't. Chip is such an ass! Both teams choose paragliding.
Lots of gliding ensues. As Chip and Kim walk away, he comments that he's got to "walk bowlegged" after coping with the harness. "So we can't have kids anymore?" she asks. "Thank God," he responds. Heh. As the Twinkies depart, one of them complains that her guy kept doing circles, so she had to pretend to be sick so he would get her on the ground. She appears not to know that all those circles were likely part of a strategy called Managing Your Airspeed So You Don't Die As A Heap Of Broken Bones. Ungrateful wretch.
The tense music pumps up as Linda and Karen prepare for the glide. Linda says she was entertaining some doubts as to whether this was an entirely safe thing to do, as you might, when staring off the edge of a cliff at the ground on which you may be dashed to bits if your guy fails to make the right number of irritatingly time-consuming circles. Karen, on the other hand, takes off without difficulty. In the air, she asks her instructor whether they can see if Linda went. As Linda stumbles on the hill and says she "can't do this," Karen tells her instructor she hopes Linda isn't "chickening out." Mmm, smells like fake tension.
Commercials. I'm not sure drowning out your firing with crunchy cereal is a great idea. Being fired will really cut into your crunchy cereal budget, after all.
Linda agrees in an interview that she was nervous as we see her prepare for gliding. Finally, though, she runs down the hill with her instructor and completes the task without incident, as have many people in history who appeared to be losing their cool right before the commercials. She explains in a voice-over how proud she was of herself, given the inherent craziness of jumping off mountains to begin with.
Lance and Marshall. Behind. Not behind enough, though, because they're arriving at the bottom of the mountain. They note that they've "just missed the gondola," and a tense "Brrrrrump!" on the soundtrack brings us back to Jim and Marsha. It's a great cut, because it's timed so that she's yanking the gearshift right on that blast of music, and it really does give you that feeling of, "Aaaand here are Jim and Marsha, coming on strong!" -- even though you kind of know it's probably not true. It's the sort of thing you never notice until you watch it a thousand times, but if that music cue wasn't punctuated with something visual, it would not work the same way. I'm telling you, if the editors don't get their Emmy this year, I'm launching an investigation, because corruption is the only explanation.
But anyway, Jim and Marsha pull up to the bottom of the mountain. Theoretically, they're sort of running for the gondola before it leaves with Marshall and Lance, but it's hard to know to what degree that's what happened. She does claim, as they cross the parking lot, that she sees "teams," presumably in the gliders. Speaking of gliding, Linda and Karen land safely. They read the clue and squeal happily on the way to the pit stop. I invest in ear plugs, as they appear to be my only hope.
Lance and Marshall get on the gondola. Jim and Marsha do not get on with them, and they therefore head up alone, leaving Jim and Marsha to wait for the one.
Colin and Christie race for the pit stop, as do Charla and Mirna. As they approach, Mirna asks Charla if her hair looks okay. "Mirna, just concentrate on the road," Charla says with some exasperation. "Every time Phil sees us," Mirna complains, "we look, like, terrible." Okay, that was a little bit funny, once. It is, however, not funny anymore. Charla doesn't think so, either, judging from the way she's staring out the window and making a "my partner is a crazy buffoon" face. Again, I'm not sure I don't like Charla. I just can't stand Mirna. Brandon and Nicole are on their way to the pit stop, too. "We just want to win," he says insistently.
Marshall and Lance are strolling to the Detour clue. "This sucks," Lance (I think) is saying. They insist that they're not running, as Jim and Marsha are seen getting out of the gondola at the top. When they reach the clue box, Lance and Marshall select the paragliding. As we watch Lance and Marshall getting ready to go, Jim and Marsha are running to the clue box. Jim leans on the box and looks really, really beat as Marsha reads the clue. I'm not sure he was going to last a lot longer anyway, in all honesty. But at any rate, they unsurprisingly choose the paragliding. "We might as well do something fun," Marsha says unhappily. I sense that reality is setting in. Elsewhere, Marshall and Lance glide, as much as they really can, not being graceful like gazelles, particularly.
Jim and Marsha get ready to glide. He talks again about never giving up, and says that they think they still have a chance to win. Sigh. They glide. Into obscurity. Oh, I'm sorry, were you still in suspense?
Christie and Colin are first out of their Jeep at Bahia Lopez, and Colin spots Phil out on the island, where he's waiting with three little kids. Aw. Colin and Christie walk across a shallow stretch of water to the island, splashing around up to about their shins. They climb up a little hill and land on the mat. Welcome, Colin and Christie, you are team number one. You can kind of tell that Colin feels that order has been restored to the universe because he is in first place. Christie interviews that they have begun to learn how to really play the game, as Colin stares what I swear to God is the creepiest stare I have ever seen on this show. It is Apprentice-Sam creepy. Creeeeepy. I'm sorry, I have to go and warm up my bones, which are now chilled.
Marshall and Lance finish gliding, read the clue, and head for the pit stop.
Wacky "doodle-doo" music that sounds like it comes from the part of a Family Channel movie where the moppet sets his father up on a date with his teacher accompanies Charla and Mirna as they splash over to the island. "Hurry up!" Mirna barks at Charla. Hey, back off that, please. They scramble up to the mat. Phil grins. Seriously, Phil's open affection for these weird people is totally throwing me off. I'm used to being able to trust Phil, but in this situation, one of us is off. Naturally, I assume it can only be Phil. Sorry, Phil. Anyway, he tells them they're team number two, and Mirna hugs Phil again. She better not be touching Phil's ass back there. You either, Charla.
Jim and Marsha land on the ground. She thinks the gliding was "awesome." They read the clue, and Marsha opines that if somebody else "suck[s] at driving," they might be able to catch up. Cut to Marshall and Lance, sucking at driving. It would have been nice if that were enough.
Brandon and Nicole finish crossing the shallow water, and she jumps up on his back. "Come on, baby, muy rapido!" she says. See, I thought that was a tiny bit funny. And cute. It's kind of weird that I like their relationship pretty well right now, since it started out with that weird "I boss my girlfriend around because it's God's will" vibe they had going for a while. They climb up to the mat. Welcome, you're team number three. I have to say, that's a very efficient team, and they don't tend to bleed time at all going from one place to another. I'd have to say that overall, I think they've made the fewest mistakes out of anyone. Again, probably because of God.
Jim and Marsha speed toward the pit stop. We wish. Marshall and Lance stop and get what everyone wishes were directions to France.
Bob and Joyce are team number four. Hee. They're all happy.
In one of those moments you really can't make up, the Twinkies are in the wrong spot when they see the island with the flags. "There, we've gotta swim!" one of them hollers. They go diving into the water. They swim across, and as they clamber out of the water and one of them falls down, the kids on the pit stop mat are seen to giggle. The girls climb up to the mat, dripping wet in their swimsuits. Hey, welcome, you're team number five. "Wooo!" they scream as they high-five, quite happy with themselves. "That was quite an entrance," Phil says, barely containing a guffaw. "Everybody else just walked across the shallow water there," he says, indicating the path. You can just hear the swallowed chortle. The girls look over at the shallow water, kind of deflated, like, "Wait, 'walked'?" I love it when Phil crushes their spirits.
Linda and Karen get out at the pit stop, as Chip laments in his car that "the mothers" beat him. Eh. They've beaten you several times, dude; it's probably time to stop acting surprised. Linda and Karen are team number six. Chip and Kim are team number seven.
Marshall and Lance head for the pit stop. Jim and Marsha head for the pit stop. And then we're at the pit stop, watching from the mat as...Marshall and Lance approach. Feh. They step up to the mat and are not Philiminated. Lance yells, "What up?" in that unconvincing way that only a guy with his name sewn into his underwear possibly can. They are very excited, so apparently, being last among non-eliminated teams was their plan all along. Totally!
Jim and Marsha come up to the mat. You are the last team to arrive; you have both been eliminated. Aww. They congratulate each other. Asked if she's proud of Jim, Marsha talks about how much guts it took for her dad to keep going. She interviews that she learned from her dad that even when you're the underdog, you can do great things if you keep trying. He, in turn, says to Phil, "Anything I thought I could teach her..." (Insert Dad-trying-not-to-weep-openly Dramatic Pause.) "…she already knew." (Except airport strategy.) He interviews that he had wanted to teach her certain things during the race. "She's proved to me that she's lacking nothing," he says. (Except airport strategy.) Aw, that was nice. They share a hug on the mat.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Colin looks even creepier. He fights with Mirna. Marshall and Lance screw up. (Hopefully, it will be enough.) Caviar makes pretty girls cry.